I have been in a form of denial about Max as of late. I've noticed it, it doesn't really effect me, except for it's become more than just some under the covers type of thing. The increasing rate at which he is "noticing" girls. Not just girls, women. He is generally stupified when a beautiful women walks by, is on the television or is on the cover of his favorite magazine. Speaking of magazines, he keeps bugging me to buy him these filthy magazines. Low Rider, yeah...you know the one. Nekked women draped all over some tricked out 76 Chevy Impala, with stripper heels on and something resembling a band aid. Nekked doesn't bother me, nekked is perfectly healthy and normal and we've sort of always been pretty open in our house. It's the way the women are objectified and how it is totally directed at men (achem boys) betweent the ages of 16 or so and about 21.
So, my son is joining the target demographic of all things directed at the hypersexualization of boys 16 - 21. I know the work I've done with him about safe sex and respect and good choices will have had some afffect on him. I trust him to some degree, we'll keep having those talks. BUT I REFUSE to buy him a Low Rider magazine and he can tell me it's because of the cars all he wants, yeah....okkaaaaay.
Contrary to whatever dillusion he's got in his head, I did NOT just fall off the back of a prude truck. Not in the least darling.
But Low Rider? Come on son, that stuff is just icky. At least go for something with a little more class.
Moving on...that said, Max noticed a flavored lip gloss that I'd purchased the other day. It's true, I buy flavored lip gloss. I might as well be 15 for all it's worth, I can't help it. I like fun stuff like that. Blue nail polish and glittery lip gloss. Oh well. I am who I am. Anyway, Max comments "Oh, that stuff tastes good!"
Silence.
Blank Stare.
Max! You little devil!
He proceeds to explain to me about the number of girls he is 'dating' at the moment and how the one he likes the most wears black cherry lip gloss. Apparently Max is quite the man all of the sudden and I felt it was a hint and I mean a STRONG hint that kissing wasn't all they were doing. I don't think it's what I think, yet. But I think I'd be a fool to ignore it. When a kid tells you stuff like that, it's best to file it under "Pay ATTENTION!" so that he doesn't end up a daddy before his time and I don't end up a grandmother before mine. Let's not forget who we are talking to hear, achem!
Welcome to the world of adolescent sex. How much fun. I am elated. Can't you tell? I can't wait to go home and talk to Max about how to use a condom and all the other stuff. It's not like we haven't talked about it before, but something about this feels a little bit different.
Good times.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
An Exciting Week Ahead And Weekend Workings
This past weekend was quiet, pretty lazy. Had a nice catch up chat with Crys on Friday and Matty came over that night for some dinner and beers. Nice to catch up, even if he did smell like a gas station :)
This coming week promises to be exciting and slightly demanding on the energy side of things. Mon - Wed it's going to be working like a mad woman, trying to close and wrap up the audit. Plus, I'm still trying to sell my clients on new application development, so it means getting my preverbal ducks in a row and quacking in unison before I can even present them with the new process revisions.
Max is going to his Dad's parents for Thanksgiving, our first holiday ever apart. It will be strange, though I have to say I'm not at all in the 'holiday' mood, so I'm not feeling terribly sentimental about it. We spent a lot of time together this weekend and he'll be home Saturday morning, so we'll still have a pretty normal routine. Except he's always really tired when he comes home from there and I, of course, always have this sense there's something he's not telling me.
Anyway, Thursday morning I have to get up and take Kasha for a nice long walk and then get ready to go pick up Kyler. Kyler is my friend Sandy's dog who I'm watching for her over the Thanksgiving holiday. I'm looking forward to this tremendously, Kyler is such a doll. Plus, I'm being compensated handsomely. A totally mutually beneficial situation for all involved. I'm taking Kyler up to my mom's for Thanksgiving, we'll prob stay up there and have some dinner and I'll come home Friday morning. I'm looking forward to seeing my mom, though I feel a little anxious about it also. There's so much she doesn't know and I guess, I just don't have the energy to face her with a lot of it or go through all the details. I know she's curious, but I already gave her a heads up that I'm just kind of not able to go into detail about it all right now, but when I'm ready I will. I realized hits weekend, why that is. Because it means I have to acknowledge that I've unintentionally harshly judged her for her own actions in the past. Let's just say my mom isn't the only one guilty of getting involved with men who weren't good for our family. I owe her an apology, that's for certain. I'll have to wrestle with that when I have more energy to do so. Coming out of this relationship has been a lot like working a 12 step program and one of those steps is admitting when I've been wrong and making amends to others. Talk about embracing 'humility.'
Friday I'll come home, prob need a nap and get Kasha and Kyler acclimated to one another. THAT should be interesting.
P will be here this weekend! Woop woop! I'll be meeting up with them Friday night, I'm totally looking forward to that:)
Saturday will be play time with Kyler when Max gets home. I think we'll take them all down to the Greenbelt and see how that goes. Saturday night will definitely need to be rest time with Maxter, then Sunday I'll take Kyler home and just chill.
Besides this thing with my mom, I also had another pretty startling realization this weekend. It's no secret that I'm a physical person, meaning that I can appreciate physical forms of affection. Luckily, I was raised in an environment where there was a lot of hugging and I spent countless hours snuggled up with my grandfather, it felt like the safest place in the world to me. Well, yesterday afternoon Max and I were watching a movie. Just chillin' in normal fashion, usually cozy with blankets and pillows and some what snuggly but he is a teenage boy and mostly finds any display of affection toward his mother a repulsive thought, when out of the blue he gets up to get a snack for us and comes down, hugs me pretty hard and kisses me on the cheek and tells me I'm a "good poo poo." For those of you who don't know, "poo poo" is my nickname. Don't ask, I don't know. It really caught me off guard and when he pulled away to go sit down, I had this blinding flash of realizing how much I miss being physically affectionate with someone else. In our day to day existence, we don't touch one another. People are so sterile with one another and since I don't spend a lot of time with much of anyone except Max and the people at my work, it's safe to say that between an environment where hugging my co-workers would be considered completely inappropriate (except Rhy, he's a hugger outside of work, which is nice) and living with my 15 year old who can only tolerate random moments of love in my direction, I think I'm feeling pretty physically starved. I had a similar realization while hugging Crystal good bye in the drive way of that massive house where we went to the Halloween party, because she might be the first adult in a very long long long time to hug me with such ferocious passion and love. But I think I was also just so happy to have that moment with her, those are the hugs you hold on to in your heart on the bad days. But this thing with Max really did startle me, it was like "Oh, that's right! I love to hug and be hugged! I AM a snuggle monster and I AM very good at it!" Like I'd forgotten or something. Because mostly I've had such a strong need to be alone and away from all things emotional outside of myself (Yes, yes I get it, I've been VERY self absorbed) that this may have been something that got lost.
It's not a sad thing, realizing this. Well, maybe a little, but probably in all the obvious ways you can imagine. I'm looking at more like rediscovering something valuable within me, like that I really can love and be loved back and that it feels great. That I'm not totally cold inside. Life is still budding within me, little green happy buds of my internal sunflowers:)
This coming week promises to be exciting and slightly demanding on the energy side of things. Mon - Wed it's going to be working like a mad woman, trying to close and wrap up the audit. Plus, I'm still trying to sell my clients on new application development, so it means getting my preverbal ducks in a row and quacking in unison before I can even present them with the new process revisions.
Max is going to his Dad's parents for Thanksgiving, our first holiday ever apart. It will be strange, though I have to say I'm not at all in the 'holiday' mood, so I'm not feeling terribly sentimental about it. We spent a lot of time together this weekend and he'll be home Saturday morning, so we'll still have a pretty normal routine. Except he's always really tired when he comes home from there and I, of course, always have this sense there's something he's not telling me.
Anyway, Thursday morning I have to get up and take Kasha for a nice long walk and then get ready to go pick up Kyler. Kyler is my friend Sandy's dog who I'm watching for her over the Thanksgiving holiday. I'm looking forward to this tremendously, Kyler is such a doll. Plus, I'm being compensated handsomely. A totally mutually beneficial situation for all involved. I'm taking Kyler up to my mom's for Thanksgiving, we'll prob stay up there and have some dinner and I'll come home Friday morning. I'm looking forward to seeing my mom, though I feel a little anxious about it also. There's so much she doesn't know and I guess, I just don't have the energy to face her with a lot of it or go through all the details. I know she's curious, but I already gave her a heads up that I'm just kind of not able to go into detail about it all right now, but when I'm ready I will. I realized hits weekend, why that is. Because it means I have to acknowledge that I've unintentionally harshly judged her for her own actions in the past. Let's just say my mom isn't the only one guilty of getting involved with men who weren't good for our family. I owe her an apology, that's for certain. I'll have to wrestle with that when I have more energy to do so. Coming out of this relationship has been a lot like working a 12 step program and one of those steps is admitting when I've been wrong and making amends to others. Talk about embracing 'humility.'
Friday I'll come home, prob need a nap and get Kasha and Kyler acclimated to one another. THAT should be interesting.
P will be here this weekend! Woop woop! I'll be meeting up with them Friday night, I'm totally looking forward to that:)
Saturday will be play time with Kyler when Max gets home. I think we'll take them all down to the Greenbelt and see how that goes. Saturday night will definitely need to be rest time with Maxter, then Sunday I'll take Kyler home and just chill.
Besides this thing with my mom, I also had another pretty startling realization this weekend. It's no secret that I'm a physical person, meaning that I can appreciate physical forms of affection. Luckily, I was raised in an environment where there was a lot of hugging and I spent countless hours snuggled up with my grandfather, it felt like the safest place in the world to me. Well, yesterday afternoon Max and I were watching a movie. Just chillin' in normal fashion, usually cozy with blankets and pillows and some what snuggly but he is a teenage boy and mostly finds any display of affection toward his mother a repulsive thought, when out of the blue he gets up to get a snack for us and comes down, hugs me pretty hard and kisses me on the cheek and tells me I'm a "good poo poo." For those of you who don't know, "poo poo" is my nickname. Don't ask, I don't know. It really caught me off guard and when he pulled away to go sit down, I had this blinding flash of realizing how much I miss being physically affectionate with someone else. In our day to day existence, we don't touch one another. People are so sterile with one another and since I don't spend a lot of time with much of anyone except Max and the people at my work, it's safe to say that between an environment where hugging my co-workers would be considered completely inappropriate (except Rhy, he's a hugger outside of work, which is nice) and living with my 15 year old who can only tolerate random moments of love in my direction, I think I'm feeling pretty physically starved. I had a similar realization while hugging Crystal good bye in the drive way of that massive house where we went to the Halloween party, because she might be the first adult in a very long long long time to hug me with such ferocious passion and love. But I think I was also just so happy to have that moment with her, those are the hugs you hold on to in your heart on the bad days. But this thing with Max really did startle me, it was like "Oh, that's right! I love to hug and be hugged! I AM a snuggle monster and I AM very good at it!" Like I'd forgotten or something. Because mostly I've had such a strong need to be alone and away from all things emotional outside of myself (Yes, yes I get it, I've been VERY self absorbed) that this may have been something that got lost.
It's not a sad thing, realizing this. Well, maybe a little, but probably in all the obvious ways you can imagine. I'm looking at more like rediscovering something valuable within me, like that I really can love and be loved back and that it feels great. That I'm not totally cold inside. Life is still budding within me, little green happy buds of my internal sunflowers:)
Friday, November 16, 2007
I'm Getting Better At This!
I guess sometimes we are just more able to deal with crisis, or when crisis occurs so often in a limited period of time ones perspective changes on what really constitutes 'crisis' and it becomes more like a 'challenge.'
This morning I reflected about how if the basement had flooded this time last week or a few weeks ago it might've put me right over the edge. Or the fact that I missed work (again) because of the basement and my boss while not directly crusty toward me, I know probably not happy with me at the moment. How knowing that I am on the 'list' of several people in my life and this helpless feeling like I can't make things right with any of them right now might've cut that very thin line I seem to be hanging on by right in half.
Something shifted though after last weeks very rough week. I realized that I can't make everyone happy all the time and with the number of directions my attention must take at any given moment, it's likely someone is going to be pissed at me, at some point, for some reason or another. That I'm doing the best that I can and that I've screwed up in a pretty fundamental core way, but it's not irreparable nor is all of within in my control to 'fix.'
Actually, I think I finally realized that in life, all in all...when all is said and done, we are all totally alone. Alone in the sense that our choices may ultimately leave us in a place that others can not help us out of. No matter how supportive, loving or compassionate the people in my life are...the fact is that I've got a gigantic black tarantula following me around, trying to drag me down and eat me up, and it must be dealt with. I've slayed some giant spiders in my day, I'm not even afraid of bugs or 8 legged things any how. I won't be killing this one anyway, just sending it home. But it IS up to me and it's going to take time. Sure it's been 5 months already and yeah, I thought I'd be in a better spot by now....but like all stubborn mules, I do things in my own time. When life is sparked into me though, I run with it. Always have, always will. I'm slowly coming back to life, but in the interim I think I can see the ways in which I am growing and becoming more the woman I want to be and thought that I was until I was taken down a few notches.
In the meantime, big black furry spiders and all....it's getting better, or at least my state of mind is getting better.
Love you all,
till next time,
S
This morning I reflected about how if the basement had flooded this time last week or a few weeks ago it might've put me right over the edge. Or the fact that I missed work (again) because of the basement and my boss while not directly crusty toward me, I know probably not happy with me at the moment. How knowing that I am on the 'list' of several people in my life and this helpless feeling like I can't make things right with any of them right now might've cut that very thin line I seem to be hanging on by right in half.
Something shifted though after last weeks very rough week. I realized that I can't make everyone happy all the time and with the number of directions my attention must take at any given moment, it's likely someone is going to be pissed at me, at some point, for some reason or another. That I'm doing the best that I can and that I've screwed up in a pretty fundamental core way, but it's not irreparable nor is all of within in my control to 'fix.'
Actually, I think I finally realized that in life, all in all...when all is said and done, we are all totally alone. Alone in the sense that our choices may ultimately leave us in a place that others can not help us out of. No matter how supportive, loving or compassionate the people in my life are...the fact is that I've got a gigantic black tarantula following me around, trying to drag me down and eat me up, and it must be dealt with. I've slayed some giant spiders in my day, I'm not even afraid of bugs or 8 legged things any how. I won't be killing this one anyway, just sending it home. But it IS up to me and it's going to take time. Sure it's been 5 months already and yeah, I thought I'd be in a better spot by now....but like all stubborn mules, I do things in my own time. When life is sparked into me though, I run with it. Always have, always will. I'm slowly coming back to life, but in the interim I think I can see the ways in which I am growing and becoming more the woman I want to be and thought that I was until I was taken down a few notches.
In the meantime, big black furry spiders and all....it's getting better, or at least my state of mind is getting better.
Love you all,
till next time,
S
Thursday, November 15, 2007
I'm Not A Drowned Rat
A perfect example of mother nature letting us know we've gone just on step to far. My pipes were FILLED with roots, lots of them. Fresh, sprouting roots. The irony? I have no tree. My neighbor has a tree and my plumber said if my pipes were this bad, then imagine how the nieghbor's must be.
Thank the good green earth for the most holiest of all insurance, The Sacred Home Warranty. 1 $50 check, 3 hours with a funny and adorable plumber and 2 glasses of iced tea later, I have a freshly plumbed pipes.
Back to work. uck.
I'm trying to ignore my emails and the barrage of drama surrounding it today. Think "loving, well intentioned and protective loved ones" meets "the most extreme case of denial I've ever witnessed" and you have a fundamental clash of values, core beliefs and I'm in middle, watching it all pass by with wonder. I tell you this, I would NEVER want to meet Mary in a dark alley if she were pissed at me:) It's good to have people like that on your side.
And for the record, let it be known that one DOES reap what they sow. Life is NOT forgiving, in any way. Lesson learned. Check.
I'm moving along now, thank you Universe for that nice kick in the ass. I must've needed it to move into the next phase of this journey.
Thank the good green earth for the most holiest of all insurance, The Sacred Home Warranty. 1 $50 check, 3 hours with a funny and adorable plumber and 2 glasses of iced tea later, I have a freshly plumbed pipes.
Back to work. uck.
I'm trying to ignore my emails and the barrage of drama surrounding it today. Think "loving, well intentioned and protective loved ones" meets "the most extreme case of denial I've ever witnessed" and you have a fundamental clash of values, core beliefs and I'm in middle, watching it all pass by with wonder. I tell you this, I would NEVER want to meet Mary in a dark alley if she were pissed at me:) It's good to have people like that on your side.
And for the record, let it be known that one DOES reap what they sow. Life is NOT forgiving, in any way. Lesson learned. Check.
I'm moving along now, thank you Universe for that nice kick in the ass. I must've needed it to move into the next phase of this journey.
huh?
My basement flooded last night....every single towel I own is soaked and starting to smell like....wet towel. Mmmm, yum.
I'm waiting for the plumber to come, hoping like hell this doesn't cost alot.
*taps fingers restlessly*
I cant' shower, flush my toilet or otherwise use water.
Oh well, maybe the plumber will be cute.
We'll see.
Updates as they become available.
I'm waiting for the plumber to come, hoping like hell this doesn't cost alot.
*taps fingers restlessly*
I cant' shower, flush my toilet or otherwise use water.
Oh well, maybe the plumber will be cute.
We'll see.
Updates as they become available.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Make it stop!
Please make it stop, it's like Robert Smith on acid singing about his cat.
It just keeps spinning in my head. Like a record baby, you spin me right round, right round....
Cat, I'm A Kitty Cat.
oh lord.
It just keeps spinning in my head. Like a record baby, you spin me right round, right round....
Cat, I'm A Kitty Cat.
oh lord.
Heh - Playlist Mania!
In case anyone here is wondering, I embed these playlists for my own personal use.
This new found sense of entitlement Max has is interesting to observe.
He whines and complains about why he can't get a job right now, but asking him to get up a little earlier so he can ride the bus to school so I can get off of work earlier, and thus be home with him earlier offends him somehow.
The endless (and I MEAN endless) discussions about getting a car, the zillions of dollars he seems to think he's going to have to actually purchase his first car never, ever stop. Within any given day, he will prattle on about this H3, Shelby GT or that Toyota Forerunner (yeah, I'm talking THAT huge) at least 10 different times. It's absurd. Not absurd that he'll have the success he desires some day, but absurd that he seems to think this kind of thing will just materialize with little to no effort on his part. When I remind him that he must have at least a C average (at least) to get his drivers permit, he acts as if I'm stomping all over his dream to become a BMXing, pro racing super stud star, like I'm just totally and completely full of shit.
When I attempt to assist him in getting organized with school on some level, for example a large English project he has due next Monday, he insists that he knows what I'm doing and to back off. All the while filled to the brim with attitude. I
Being a mother is one of the most beautiful experiences of my life thus far, I enjoy him and love him dearly. But today, I'm not really sure I recognize him and I wonder what Max will think of when he thinks back to these years. Right now, he pretty much hates my guts, which is not unexpected. It's not pleasant either.
I can't help but feel that the constant push/pull between teenagers and their parents not only benefits the child eventually, but the parent as well. The process helps the teenager begin to identify their own individuality and try on the many different archetypes they will explore through life. It gives the parent a glimpse of what life might be like for said teenager as he continues to grow and eventually leaves the nest. I think the idea, in the last remaining years at home, is to help Max polish the life skills he will need to achieve his own personal goals. In essence, it is the first real pre-test to life.
It's funny though, because this child resists my efforts at every single possible turn. I am left with little choice but to give it to him 100% straight.
Sorry Max, I know you won't always like me right now and I understand that. Mostly, the decisions you are making are equating in the current results you are experiencing right now. Unfortunately I am simply the messenger. Tough shit if you don't like riding the bus to school. If you think it's embarrassing or you don't want to get up that 20 minutes earlier to make it to the bus stop on time. Tough shit if you don't want to hear it that you can't have D's on your mid-term and get F's on finals and think your going to get your drivers permit before you are 16. It's too bad that you want to go riding all weekend with your friends, but haven't done your chores or your homework for the weekend. And I don't care if you don't think you should have to take out the garbage or walk the dog, guess what? At my house, you do. You will have to take out your own garbage when your a big grown up man and with all the dreams and aspirations you have, for which I am happy to hear that you do, you WILL have to walk your dog or someone's dog in some figurative sense.
I may not know much, but one thing I know for sure, nothing...not one single thing in life, just falls in your lap. It is all related, in some karmic way, to your efforts or lack thereof. Your work, your love, your spirit and your attitude.
In the amount of time you spent bitching and whining and complaining about what a horrible mother I am for reminding you that your grades are in poor shape so you should be working on that big English project diligently and that Monday night is garbage night, you could've spent that time doing something positive or loving or kind.
I love you son, with all my heart and I will always be there for you. No matter what, you may not always appreciate my methods or my choices and I the same in return, but we will always have each other. My love for you, however, does not mean I should coddle you or otherwise condone such negative behaviors or allow you to manipulate me. How I wish I could teach you everything you need to learn now so that life doesn't have to be difficult for you, but as always, you are teaching me volumes about life. And the one thing I'm learning in a big big way right now is that I can no longer hold your hand, especially if you will not accept my offers to do so. I cannot force your will. I can only guide you and be here for you.
I know it's been a hard year for us. I am sorry that you've seen the results of my own poor decisions and I am sorry that Chance disappointed you too. I am sorry that things are tighter for us financially more than ever and that I worry and that my stress level is so high. I know it's not fun to be around me when I'm in this place. These things are all unfair to you and for that I apologize. These things are not your fault and if nothing else, you have learned first hand what NOT to do from this situation. I will do whatever I can to rectify this situation, but ultimately, you are responsible for you and what you do. If you blow off school, you'll have to repeat those classes at your own expense. If you throw attitude at everyone, it's not going to help you achieve your goals. If you don't put some effort into your own life, you cannot point the finger at me and wonder why you can't have what you want like some spoiled little child. It's my job to nag you about school. It's my job to make you do your chores and take the dog for a walk. And it's my job to help you to learn how to treat people. It's my job to not always give you what you want, as much as I may want to. It's my job as the person who loves you more than anything on this planet, to be the one putting up the stop signs and setting up the boundaries when you can't do it for yourself.
As cliché' as it sounds, if I didn't care about you, I would've already given up. I know what that feels like, for people to give up on you. It's not good. I won't do that to you, but I won't casually sit by and watch you not take important things seriously, seriously enough at least. And, I won't bail you out every single you time you screw up. Not because I don't want to, trust me, I suffer right along with you. I can't bail you out every time Max, I just can't. It's not in your best interest, or mine as your mother. I believe in you, that is why. I know it makes you crazy that I do not submit to your every whim or that we aren't 'rich' like your friends or that you somewhere along the way got this notion in your head that you are not accountable for your own actions, but that's too bad. In time, it will all make a lot more sense.
And until then, we both need to take deep deep breathes.
He whines and complains about why he can't get a job right now, but asking him to get up a little earlier so he can ride the bus to school so I can get off of work earlier, and thus be home with him earlier offends him somehow.
The endless (and I MEAN endless) discussions about getting a car, the zillions of dollars he seems to think he's going to have to actually purchase his first car never, ever stop. Within any given day, he will prattle on about this H3, Shelby GT or that Toyota Forerunner (yeah, I'm talking THAT huge) at least 10 different times. It's absurd. Not absurd that he'll have the success he desires some day, but absurd that he seems to think this kind of thing will just materialize with little to no effort on his part. When I remind him that he must have at least a C average (at least) to get his drivers permit, he acts as if I'm stomping all over his dream to become a BMXing, pro racing super stud star, like I'm just totally and completely full of shit.
When I attempt to assist him in getting organized with school on some level, for example a large English project he has due next Monday, he insists that he knows what I'm doing and to back off. All the while filled to the brim with attitude. I
Being a mother is one of the most beautiful experiences of my life thus far, I enjoy him and love him dearly. But today, I'm not really sure I recognize him and I wonder what Max will think of when he thinks back to these years. Right now, he pretty much hates my guts, which is not unexpected. It's not pleasant either.
I can't help but feel that the constant push/pull between teenagers and their parents not only benefits the child eventually, but the parent as well. The process helps the teenager begin to identify their own individuality and try on the many different archetypes they will explore through life. It gives the parent a glimpse of what life might be like for said teenager as he continues to grow and eventually leaves the nest. I think the idea, in the last remaining years at home, is to help Max polish the life skills he will need to achieve his own personal goals. In essence, it is the first real pre-test to life.
It's funny though, because this child resists my efforts at every single possible turn. I am left with little choice but to give it to him 100% straight.
Sorry Max, I know you won't always like me right now and I understand that. Mostly, the decisions you are making are equating in the current results you are experiencing right now. Unfortunately I am simply the messenger. Tough shit if you don't like riding the bus to school. If you think it's embarrassing or you don't want to get up that 20 minutes earlier to make it to the bus stop on time. Tough shit if you don't want to hear it that you can't have D's on your mid-term and get F's on finals and think your going to get your drivers permit before you are 16. It's too bad that you want to go riding all weekend with your friends, but haven't done your chores or your homework for the weekend. And I don't care if you don't think you should have to take out the garbage or walk the dog, guess what? At my house, you do. You will have to take out your own garbage when your a big grown up man and with all the dreams and aspirations you have, for which I am happy to hear that you do, you WILL have to walk your dog or someone's dog in some figurative sense.
I may not know much, but one thing I know for sure, nothing...not one single thing in life, just falls in your lap. It is all related, in some karmic way, to your efforts or lack thereof. Your work, your love, your spirit and your attitude.
In the amount of time you spent bitching and whining and complaining about what a horrible mother I am for reminding you that your grades are in poor shape so you should be working on that big English project diligently and that Monday night is garbage night, you could've spent that time doing something positive or loving or kind.
I love you son, with all my heart and I will always be there for you. No matter what, you may not always appreciate my methods or my choices and I the same in return, but we will always have each other. My love for you, however, does not mean I should coddle you or otherwise condone such negative behaviors or allow you to manipulate me. How I wish I could teach you everything you need to learn now so that life doesn't have to be difficult for you, but as always, you are teaching me volumes about life. And the one thing I'm learning in a big big way right now is that I can no longer hold your hand, especially if you will not accept my offers to do so. I cannot force your will. I can only guide you and be here for you.
I know it's been a hard year for us. I am sorry that you've seen the results of my own poor decisions and I am sorry that Chance disappointed you too. I am sorry that things are tighter for us financially more than ever and that I worry and that my stress level is so high. I know it's not fun to be around me when I'm in this place. These things are all unfair to you and for that I apologize. These things are not your fault and if nothing else, you have learned first hand what NOT to do from this situation. I will do whatever I can to rectify this situation, but ultimately, you are responsible for you and what you do. If you blow off school, you'll have to repeat those classes at your own expense. If you throw attitude at everyone, it's not going to help you achieve your goals. If you don't put some effort into your own life, you cannot point the finger at me and wonder why you can't have what you want like some spoiled little child. It's my job to nag you about school. It's my job to make you do your chores and take the dog for a walk. And it's my job to help you to learn how to treat people. It's my job to not always give you what you want, as much as I may want to. It's my job as the person who loves you more than anything on this planet, to be the one putting up the stop signs and setting up the boundaries when you can't do it for yourself.
As cliché' as it sounds, if I didn't care about you, I would've already given up. I know what that feels like, for people to give up on you. It's not good. I won't do that to you, but I won't casually sit by and watch you not take important things seriously, seriously enough at least. And, I won't bail you out every single you time you screw up. Not because I don't want to, trust me, I suffer right along with you. I can't bail you out every time Max, I just can't. It's not in your best interest, or mine as your mother. I believe in you, that is why. I know it makes you crazy that I do not submit to your every whim or that we aren't 'rich' like your friends or that you somewhere along the way got this notion in your head that you are not accountable for your own actions, but that's too bad. In time, it will all make a lot more sense.
And until then, we both need to take deep deep breathes.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Mostly quiet weekend, spent Friday night with Rhy & M and the Mercury Cafe. I love that place, it's hard not to enjoy some of the only vegetarian/organic spots in Denver. Plus, it's just a cool place to kick it with good friends. Margaret is a DOLL, I love her. And Rhy and her are pretty sickening. New love is a gift unlike any other and their's is soemthing I can relate to. It is heartwarming. Max also enjoys Rhy, it's hard not to. Rhy is pretty wicked cool.
Saturday Howard came to help with some odds and ends about the house. I'm so grateful to him...for him, in our lives. I never feel judged or overtly criticized, even though I am not one of his 'perfect' children. Must be all that lawyer-ing that helps him to be a neutral source of both support and love, thank goodness for Howard on so many levels. He keeps us all on the level.
Child support order papers came in the mail, homeboy has start paying each month AND 50% of Max's medical. This was effective Nov 1st 2007, SOOOO if he doesn't pay from now on at least they can take it out of his check. I am thrilled about it, it will ease the financial issues with Max slightly.
Mood wise I am persistently flat or bordering on down, it's just what it is right now. I take comfort in knowing that I do find joy and laughter in my daily life, that I have not lost myself in the total depths of despair. Though, I do find it helpful to avoid too much deep thought about my current situation or past. It seems doing so gives me license to beat myself to a pulp internally and that goes no where good.
Sunday I just slept and ate brownies. I hate getting fat, but sometiems I don't feel like doing anything about it so I can't really bitch that I'm fat when I sit on the couch all day eating brownies now can I?
I'm missing Carin terribely, I had a dream about her this morning. She comes to me a lot when I am sad, she must be be baby sitting me from afar.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BTomqsanSM
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/f/fleetwood+mac/sara_20054249.html
Saturday Howard came to help with some odds and ends about the house. I'm so grateful to him...for him, in our lives. I never feel judged or overtly criticized, even though I am not one of his 'perfect' children. Must be all that lawyer-ing that helps him to be a neutral source of both support and love, thank goodness for Howard on so many levels. He keeps us all on the level.
Child support order papers came in the mail, homeboy has start paying each month AND 50% of Max's medical. This was effective Nov 1st 2007, SOOOO if he doesn't pay from now on at least they can take it out of his check. I am thrilled about it, it will ease the financial issues with Max slightly.
Mood wise I am persistently flat or bordering on down, it's just what it is right now. I take comfort in knowing that I do find joy and laughter in my daily life, that I have not lost myself in the total depths of despair. Though, I do find it helpful to avoid too much deep thought about my current situation or past. It seems doing so gives me license to beat myself to a pulp internally and that goes no where good.
Sunday I just slept and ate brownies. I hate getting fat, but sometiems I don't feel like doing anything about it so I can't really bitch that I'm fat when I sit on the couch all day eating brownies now can I?
I'm missing Carin terribely, I had a dream about her this morning. She comes to me a lot when I am sad, she must be be baby sitting me from afar.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BTomqsanSM
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/f/fleetwood+mac/sara_20054249.html
Friday, November 09, 2007
Ape-Shit Versus Bat-Shit
Quandary of the day:
What is the difference in the phrase "Ape-Shit" and "Bat-Shit"?
For example, you might hear a friend say something like "My dog goes bat-shit for Kong toys." or today I over heard a co-worker say "So and so is going to go ape-shit if we don't finish this today."
Please weigh in, discuss amongst yourselves as needed.
I cannot actually utter these two words out loud because it makes me laugh like a grammar schooler. I wish I could, these two phrases have an obvious implication of something...I just don't know what exactly?
Also, if you have not visited this website, I must insist that you do so immediately. It has kept me in giggles the entire day:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/
What is the difference in the phrase "Ape-Shit" and "Bat-Shit"?
For example, you might hear a friend say something like "My dog goes bat-shit for Kong toys." or today I over heard a co-worker say "So and so is going to go ape-shit if we don't finish this today."
Please weigh in, discuss amongst yourselves as needed.
I cannot actually utter these two words out loud because it makes me laugh like a grammar schooler. I wish I could, these two phrases have an obvious implication of something...I just don't know what exactly?
Also, if you have not visited this website, I must insist that you do so immediately. It has kept me in giggles the entire day:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Sarah Facts
Cuz I need some distraction from work at the moment.....
- I adore the smell of banana's, but don't really care to eat them. Banana bread with cream cheese, that's another story all together. Actually, besides berries and melons I am not particularly keen on fruit over all. Put a vegetable in front of me though, and I mean ANY vegetable and I will happily engage.
- Colors are some of my favorite things in the world to experiment with, but I can't help my attraction to greens of all shades, dark blues and purples.
- I didn't graduate from high school and technically didn't complete the 9th grade.
- I did, however, get my GED and graduate from college at the same time as I would've if I had bothered to attend high school.
- Originally, I began attending school to become a graphic artist.
- Labor was extremely difficult, but even at such a young age, I absolutely adored being pregnant. There was something so warm about the whole thing and in all my naivitie, I knew something pretty amazing and huge was going on inside my belly. Reading and talking to "Max" before I even know he was a "Max" and eating massive quantities of oranges and watching Little House On The Prairie was our daily ritual from my 2nd trimester all the way until I went into labor. I was eating a tuna fish sandwhich when I went into labor. At that moment, I vowed never to eat tuna again. Luckily, I got over that. I LOVE TOOTER fish.
- The first tattoo I ever wanted was a small Tigger, holding a lilly and sitting up on his tail. I still don't have it.
- "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." Is my favorite new bumpersticker.
- I didn't learn to drive until I was 19 and refused to drive on the highway for about the first year I drove.
- I've never broken a bone or had a cavity filled. I think I have a cavity now though, I'm not sure.
- A dog bit me when I was about 8 or 9 years old, right through the thigh because I had not yet learned that not all animals are lucky enough to have families who love them. He was terrified of me and I remember trying to pet him, instead he let me have it. I didn't tell my mom at first because I'd heard they killed dogs who bit little girls. I had to tell her the next day though because it was really hurting. Good call on my part, since it was infected by the time we go to the doctor and I had to get a tetanous shot. I was SO mad at that dog for making me get a tetnous shot. It took 3 people to hold me down when I was a child to adminster a shot or take my blood. Needles were bad bad BAD and I fought back when people came at me with them. I wonder what ever happened to that dog...
- On the subject of dogs, my mom had a boyfriend who had a HUGE and I mean HUGE Rotwieler. His name was "Bear" and we were instant friends. My mom wasn't so sure about how physically close this dog and I'd become, sitting with my face next to the jaws of a 140 lb drooling Rotwieler seemed perfectly normal to me. Later in life, I had the same fears with my own son and a large dog. It's noraml. Anyway, this boyfriend lived in a secluded town very high in the rockies and getting to his house required a jeep ride. Bear and I did a lot of hiking together, many memories of my childhood were born that summer. There was a spot we liked to hike to together, I'd been warned that a brown bear had been spotted there a few weeks earlier. I was 11, I didn't care. Bear and I were rock hunting and I was overcome with the sense that there was something behind me. Totally like you'd see in a movie. I turned around, and there was an actual bear walking along the ridge. I was paralyzed with fear, I'll admit it. It was MUCH bigger than I'd ever thought a bear could be. Or maybe I felt very small. Bear the dog immediately put himself in between the brown bear and myself. Definately trying to protect me. He began growling and pushing me, aggressively in the opposite direction. Almost like he was hearding me or something. We walked slowly, but surely, back to the boyfriends cabin. All the while, Bear the dog kept himself firmly planted in my parameter. Circling me the whole way home. I was scared, definately...but when I told my mom about she pretty much went stark white immediately. We were forbidden from hiking together unattended and Bear the dog got an elk steak for dinner that night and slept with me in my bunk.
Deep Deep Deep Bref's
Deep breathe is pretty good stuff isn't it? It's become common practice for me these days.
When my heart begins to pound and I can feel the pulsing in my temples and heart it my ears.
When that thing in my stomach starts to tickle and well up, eventually becoming some alive entity all in it's own. Churning and making noises and trying desperately to get my attention.
When my mind begins to look back at things I am helpless to change and dwell on the sheer wonder at how absolutely horrid a person can be, how devious. At just how much I'd like to wring his little, scrawny, back stabbing, lying, thieving, deceiving, smoldering piece of shit, neck. At how much disgust I feel for loving someone so so SO fake and selfish and full of himself. At how long it's going to take to recover from making the simple mistake of trusting the wrong guy. At how much I'd love to just kick him ride in the southern region, to watch him cry and see him writhe. For even one single solitary second so that he might feel for even a brief period of what I feel. Take down that very healthy sense of pride and ego he's got, just a touch. Yeah, I said it and I do feel that way. Today anyway. I don't have the energy to apologize for how I feel.
At how much I absolutely deplore feeling so much negative emotion within me toward another person and toward myself. About anything, besides my sons father and the man that abused me, I'm not sure I've EVER felt such total ickiness toward someone else and I dislike it very very VERY much. I think it must go against my grain or something, because it feels absolutely awful. While everyone else is able to openly discuss their disgust for his choices, I am simply unable to even let the thoughts enter my head b/c I just can't do it. Except they are starting to seep in. Like the good ole fashion kick in the balls fantasy, retribution. Take that you little ....sigh.
Breathe.
I am so greatful to yoga and meditation for teaching me about breathand how powerful oxygen is, it has saved me many a panic attack and more recently, bursting into tears at the most inopportune time.
Breathe.
The breath of life.
Breathe. DEEEP DEEEP breath. Exhaaaaaaaaaaaaale.
In through the nose, out through the mouth.
Better.
When my heart begins to pound and I can feel the pulsing in my temples and heart it my ears.
When that thing in my stomach starts to tickle and well up, eventually becoming some alive entity all in it's own. Churning and making noises and trying desperately to get my attention.
When my mind begins to look back at things I am helpless to change and dwell on the sheer wonder at how absolutely horrid a person can be, how devious. At just how much I'd like to wring his little, scrawny, back stabbing, lying, thieving, deceiving, smoldering piece of shit, neck. At how much disgust I feel for loving someone so so SO fake and selfish and full of himself. At how long it's going to take to recover from making the simple mistake of trusting the wrong guy. At how much I'd love to just kick him ride in the southern region, to watch him cry and see him writhe. For even one single solitary second so that he might feel for even a brief period of what I feel. Take down that very healthy sense of pride and ego he's got, just a touch. Yeah, I said it and I do feel that way. Today anyway. I don't have the energy to apologize for how I feel.
At how much I absolutely deplore feeling so much negative emotion within me toward another person and toward myself. About anything, besides my sons father and the man that abused me, I'm not sure I've EVER felt such total ickiness toward someone else and I dislike it very very VERY much. I think it must go against my grain or something, because it feels absolutely awful. While everyone else is able to openly discuss their disgust for his choices, I am simply unable to even let the thoughts enter my head b/c I just can't do it. Except they are starting to seep in. Like the good ole fashion kick in the balls fantasy, retribution. Take that you little ....sigh.
Breathe.
I am so greatful to yoga and meditation for teaching me about breathand how powerful oxygen is, it has saved me many a panic attack and more recently, bursting into tears at the most inopportune time.
Breathe.
The breath of life.
Breathe. DEEEP DEEEP breath. Exhaaaaaaaaaaaaale.
In through the nose, out through the mouth.
Better.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
One Day At A Time....Again!
Yesterday afternoon wasn't such a great way to wrap up my day. I think I am just over the limit on how much I can handle on any given day, I overwhelm easily it seems. Luckily, I got through the afternoon in tact and after a lot of tears, I felt alot better today. Maybe because I am just so tired, I don't really have any energy to fret about anything today.
I'm really done with it all though, feeling like a looser, fighting with the bank over Chance's bike, wondering if I'll have a place to live in 3 months, the crying. It's just exhausting me. And finally, I got it last night that I really am depressed. Probably in a very real way, unlike anything I've experienced before. One thing I keep counting on is that it will change, no matter good or bad, it will change. Something will move this along some how.
In the meantime, I am taking great joy in my son whom seems attached to me at the hip lately. Hey, I'll take it. He's a really specially dude, I've got 3, maybe 5 years left of him being at home with me and I'm not going to waste my time left with him. Besides, he gives me a reason to focus on something else besides how insane I feel lately. Plus, since he's hurt, he's sort of stuck with me at home and that's not so bad. We watch movies, eat pizza and ice cream and play with the animals.
We watched "You Kill Me" and "Sicko" last night. You Kill Me is hilarious, I love dark comedy. This was kind of a dark, comedy, surrealist, romance type of thing. Max and I both cracked up through most of it.
Sicko was a tough movie to watch, I've sort of had to put it out my mind and will try absorb it more when I am more able. Max fell asleep half way through it and kept kicking me on the couch in his sleep. Michael Moore is a brilliant individual, albeit one I'm not always sure is truthful or totally innocent of the spinning he so vehemently accuses the media and other public figures of doing. I did decide that I might just stop my bitching about life in general and move to France. It looks like that might be a good place for me. You can drink, smoke and eat alot of fatty food and STILL live much longer than the average American. Free health care, college, child care and support services. AND the government is terrified of it's people, not the other way around. What a concept! All joking aside, the movie was informative and sparked a sense of passion in me I haven't felt for a while. I cried of course through almost the entire thing, but I laughed pretty heartily during much of it as well. Sarcastic wit is hard to ignore.
I'm really done with it all though, feeling like a looser, fighting with the bank over Chance's bike, wondering if I'll have a place to live in 3 months, the crying. It's just exhausting me. And finally, I got it last night that I really am depressed. Probably in a very real way, unlike anything I've experienced before. One thing I keep counting on is that it will change, no matter good or bad, it will change. Something will move this along some how.
In the meantime, I am taking great joy in my son whom seems attached to me at the hip lately. Hey, I'll take it. He's a really specially dude, I've got 3, maybe 5 years left of him being at home with me and I'm not going to waste my time left with him. Besides, he gives me a reason to focus on something else besides how insane I feel lately. Plus, since he's hurt, he's sort of stuck with me at home and that's not so bad. We watch movies, eat pizza and ice cream and play with the animals.
We watched "You Kill Me" and "Sicko" last night. You Kill Me is hilarious, I love dark comedy. This was kind of a dark, comedy, surrealist, romance type of thing. Max and I both cracked up through most of it.
Sicko was a tough movie to watch, I've sort of had to put it out my mind and will try absorb it more when I am more able. Max fell asleep half way through it and kept kicking me on the couch in his sleep. Michael Moore is a brilliant individual, albeit one I'm not always sure is truthful or totally innocent of the spinning he so vehemently accuses the media and other public figures of doing. I did decide that I might just stop my bitching about life in general and move to France. It looks like that might be a good place for me. You can drink, smoke and eat alot of fatty food and STILL live much longer than the average American. Free health care, college, child care and support services. AND the government is terrified of it's people, not the other way around. What a concept! All joking aside, the movie was informative and sparked a sense of passion in me I haven't felt for a while. I cried of course through almost the entire thing, but I laughed pretty heartily during much of it as well. Sarcastic wit is hard to ignore.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Sunshine
I don't know if was the sunshine greeting me this morning, the crispness of the fall air or this delicious "Blue Machine" (tons of vitamin B's) shake I'm drinking for breakfeast, but I feel incredible this morning.
Maybe it's that I've decided I'm not loosing my home without a fight or layers of fog are beginning to burn off or accpeting that I have to do something about my weight or suffer some fairly serious healthy consequences that are not at all worth the comfort food brings me when I'm mega stressed.
It could be that Max seems in a rather bright mood though his entire left hand is pretty much out of commission.
Or that the holidays are approaching, or that I am up for review soon and should get a small raise. Maybe it's that I will find out more about the child support situation or that I'm just not feeling as stresssed as I was last Friday and that feels good.
Maybe it's that I've been more social lately and I've forgotten what a fantastic group of people are in my life and how much I enjoy them all and how much they enjoy Max and I.
I don't think I'll spend a lot of time questioning it, I think I'll just breathe it in and allow myself to actually feel pleasure in the moment.
What a concept eh?
Maybe it's that I've decided I'm not loosing my home without a fight or layers of fog are beginning to burn off or accpeting that I have to do something about my weight or suffer some fairly serious healthy consequences that are not at all worth the comfort food brings me when I'm mega stressed.
It could be that Max seems in a rather bright mood though his entire left hand is pretty much out of commission.
Or that the holidays are approaching, or that I am up for review soon and should get a small raise. Maybe it's that I will find out more about the child support situation or that I'm just not feeling as stresssed as I was last Friday and that feels good.
Maybe it's that I've been more social lately and I've forgotten what a fantastic group of people are in my life and how much I enjoy them all and how much they enjoy Max and I.
I don't think I'll spend a lot of time questioning it, I think I'll just breathe it in and allow myself to actually feel pleasure in the moment.
What a concept eh?
Monday, November 05, 2007
Weekends, Battle Scars & Focusing On The Positive
What a great weekend I had! Really, until about Sunday afternoon, it was pretty marvelous. 2 fantabulous weekends in a row...wow, really? Love it.
Friday night my dinner with Sandy was warm and comforting. I'd been pretty depressed since my meeting with the bankruptcy attorney the previous Thursday night and trying to keep it all in perspective. Life has been a roller coaster for so long now and I'm sort of getting used to the sudden drops and the occassional highs and all the dissapointments in between, except I'm done with being dissapointed in myself and am ready to just take this as a life lesson and move on. Friday though, wasn't such a great day. The idea of loosing my house, having to start all over....over what? It's hard to choke down some days.
I had a good long cry with Kristen on the phone, I almost didn't go to Sandy's because it seems like every time I've seen her this past summer I've pretty much been a total wreck. And I was doing fine until she asked me how I was doing, less than 10 minutes in the door. The tears started rolling and there was lots of hugging and reassurance. My friends are so great. She also ordered this amazing gourmet vegetarian meal, which totally blew my mind and nourished my body. After a glass of wine, a wonderful meal and lots of loving from a dear friend, I was so tired I could barely stand.
Slept like a baby and woke up bright and early to Max chasing the cat up and down the stairs and Kasha licking my face. For two minutes I almost fell back into the depression about the house and what this coming year could look like for me financially, but opted to push that aside and get up and enjoy my day. Max and I had breakfeast, took about an hour nap after and then go ready for Kim's bday party. Went downtown and had a great time at the Giggling Grizzly. Max can hardly contain his giggles over the name of this place, it's so cute. Like he's 5 or something. He had a huge hamburger and at least a pound of french fries. I had a delicious and spicy bloody mary and fun was had by all.
Kim, Max and Moi. Do not question the message of Kim's shirt, it's a Michigan thing and you can't understand unless you hang out with all these Michigan kids, which I do...and let's just say they take their sports VERY VERY seriously. Close to the frat boy level if you know what I mean....
Mandy and her husband showed up and we went over to The Falling Rock for yet more food and drinks and spent a few hours getting to know one another. What a sweet couple, I am really enjoying learning more about them. After, Max and I went home and seperated for a few hours. I went over to Kristen's and we chatted, then I went home and just chilled the rest of the night. Max and I were both in bed early.
Good times.
Sunday, slept in until about 9. Made breakfeast, before Max even finished crunching his toast he was out the door and to the skate park.
Flash forward to about 4 PM Sunday afternoon....Max comes in the door holding his hand up over his head, with a exruciating look on his face. I'm looking for blood. No blood. Except, his fingers aren't moving, his knuckles are the double the size they should be and he's cringing when I try to open his hand to ice it. I see little tears forming in his eyes and I know it's bad because I honestly don't remember the last time I saw Max cry.
ER here we come.
4 hours later: 1 failed series of xrays and another successfull one (after the vicodin finally kicked in, poor kid) which indicated no obvious fracture, but severe hyperextension in his first and middle finger, as well as a possible hairline in his hand. This is treated with a ginormous splint and vicodin w/ tylenol at night only.
Apparently he fell at the skate park and his fingers touched the other side of his arm. Ouch. No.
Little big man has his first official "battle scar" from his beloved BMX'ing, which he was quite proud of. Mom managed it all pretty well until Max cried during the xrays. I don't do well when he cries or is in pain.
Let it be known this injury occurred all in the name of a girl who hangs out at the skate park and was watching him ride AND that he is quite happy about all the nursing and sympathy he'll get from the girls at school today, since he is a little gimpy.
All in all, it was a great weekend though spending our Sunday evening in the ER wasn't exactly enjoyable, it could've been so much worse. I am so happy he is safe, ableit a little broken, safe nonetheless.
Friday night my dinner with Sandy was warm and comforting. I'd been pretty depressed since my meeting with the bankruptcy attorney the previous Thursday night and trying to keep it all in perspective. Life has been a roller coaster for so long now and I'm sort of getting used to the sudden drops and the occassional highs and all the dissapointments in between, except I'm done with being dissapointed in myself and am ready to just take this as a life lesson and move on. Friday though, wasn't such a great day. The idea of loosing my house, having to start all over....over what? It's hard to choke down some days.
I had a good long cry with Kristen on the phone, I almost didn't go to Sandy's because it seems like every time I've seen her this past summer I've pretty much been a total wreck. And I was doing fine until she asked me how I was doing, less than 10 minutes in the door. The tears started rolling and there was lots of hugging and reassurance. My friends are so great. She also ordered this amazing gourmet vegetarian meal, which totally blew my mind and nourished my body. After a glass of wine, a wonderful meal and lots of loving from a dear friend, I was so tired I could barely stand.
Slept like a baby and woke up bright and early to Max chasing the cat up and down the stairs and Kasha licking my face. For two minutes I almost fell back into the depression about the house and what this coming year could look like for me financially, but opted to push that aside and get up and enjoy my day. Max and I had breakfeast, took about an hour nap after and then go ready for Kim's bday party. Went downtown and had a great time at the Giggling Grizzly. Max can hardly contain his giggles over the name of this place, it's so cute. Like he's 5 or something. He had a huge hamburger and at least a pound of french fries. I had a delicious and spicy bloody mary and fun was had by all.
Kim, Max and Moi. Do not question the message of Kim's shirt, it's a Michigan thing and you can't understand unless you hang out with all these Michigan kids, which I do...and let's just say they take their sports VERY VERY seriously. Close to the frat boy level if you know what I mean....
Mandy and her husband showed up and we went over to The Falling Rock for yet more food and drinks and spent a few hours getting to know one another. What a sweet couple, I am really enjoying learning more about them. After, Max and I went home and seperated for a few hours. I went over to Kristen's and we chatted, then I went home and just chilled the rest of the night. Max and I were both in bed early.
Good times.
Sunday, slept in until about 9. Made breakfeast, before Max even finished crunching his toast he was out the door and to the skate park.
Flash forward to about 4 PM Sunday afternoon....Max comes in the door holding his hand up over his head, with a exruciating look on his face. I'm looking for blood. No blood. Except, his fingers aren't moving, his knuckles are the double the size they should be and he's cringing when I try to open his hand to ice it. I see little tears forming in his eyes and I know it's bad because I honestly don't remember the last time I saw Max cry.
ER here we come.
4 hours later: 1 failed series of xrays and another successfull one (after the vicodin finally kicked in, poor kid) which indicated no obvious fracture, but severe hyperextension in his first and middle finger, as well as a possible hairline in his hand. This is treated with a ginormous splint and vicodin w/ tylenol at night only.
Apparently he fell at the skate park and his fingers touched the other side of his arm. Ouch. No.
Little big man has his first official "battle scar" from his beloved BMX'ing, which he was quite proud of. Mom managed it all pretty well until Max cried during the xrays. I don't do well when he cries or is in pain.
Let it be known this injury occurred all in the name of a girl who hangs out at the skate park and was watching him ride AND that he is quite happy about all the nursing and sympathy he'll get from the girls at school today, since he is a little gimpy.
All in all, it was a great weekend though spending our Sunday evening in the ER wasn't exactly enjoyable, it could've been so much worse. I am so happy he is safe, ableit a little broken, safe nonetheless.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Yes, It Really Can Be THAT Overwhelming For Some People
I realize this is an extreme example, but considering my current circumstances, it caught my eye this morning while skimming the local news for weather and events.
http://www.9news.com/news/article.aspx?storyid=80169
Thank goodness there are people in the world educated enough on how stressfull this kind of financial difficulty is and are alert enough to be more proactive than to wait for something awful to happen.
There are so many people with no support, no one to help them make these difficult decisions, no one to wipe their tears. Those who reach out to others in need during times of crisis are definate beauties in my book, they do, very literally, save lives.
I am surrounded by love, support and a wise group of individuals who I trust to counsel me when my own head is totally out of whack.
These are people who can truly understand the absolute seriousness of this situation and can treat it as such, VERY VERY VERY SERIOUS!
VERY SERIOUS!
Except Crystal. Damn her. Last night, I called her up hysterically bawling after my meeting, ranting and raving about how my life was going to hell in a handbasket, how could I be so stupid? Beating the living crap out of myself and carrying on about woe is me and what have I done and so on and so forth. Do you know what she had the nerve to do? She made me laugh! Not just a half-assed, forced giggle. Har Har. Nope, it was FULL ON belly laughter. I mean, like buahwhwhwwhawaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and then I cackled my standard Sarah cackle and it was over. And more than once too.
;-)
And then....I felt better. At least the hysterical crying stopped. Not just because she did listen and essentially mommied me while I was on the verge of breakdown (plus I know I am rather pathetic when I cry, like Puss N Boots from Shrek I've been told, so she probably was tired of hearing that) but also because she reminded me that I AM going to get through this, I'm not the first woman on the planet who loved the wrong guy and did stupid shit for love, no one hates me and pulling up my big girl panties and getting a plan in order is really the only thing left to be done at this point. Then, in only the way that Crystal & I can during a private conversation, esablished the perfect euphemism for my current situation, except that it is not at all Blogger.com freindly, so I'll leave that to your imagination.
Then I was able to compose myself long enough to talk with Howard with some sense of calm exterior, though doubtful it was totally convincing. We have the beginnings of a tentative plan and like all plans, that means getting an outline of what your options are, having a meeting with all your experts and getting action items in motion.
I realized I can no longer be married to specific outcomes, that flexibility in my decision making and my ability to problem solve must become my shield and sword as I begin this new journey. The shock has finally worn off, now I can start getting it together. All the while, keeping that north star shinning bright in front of me.
So what if today is "just gotta get through the day" days? Who cares? No town has ever rebuilt in the aftermath of a torndado in one day or one week or one month.
Rebuilding takes patience, time, forgiveness.
http://www.9news.com/news/article.aspx?storyid=80169
Thank goodness there are people in the world educated enough on how stressfull this kind of financial difficulty is and are alert enough to be more proactive than to wait for something awful to happen.
There are so many people with no support, no one to help them make these difficult decisions, no one to wipe their tears. Those who reach out to others in need during times of crisis are definate beauties in my book, they do, very literally, save lives.
I am surrounded by love, support and a wise group of individuals who I trust to counsel me when my own head is totally out of whack.
These are people who can truly understand the absolute seriousness of this situation and can treat it as such, VERY VERY VERY SERIOUS!
VERY SERIOUS!
Except Crystal. Damn her. Last night, I called her up hysterically bawling after my meeting, ranting and raving about how my life was going to hell in a handbasket, how could I be so stupid? Beating the living crap out of myself and carrying on about woe is me and what have I done and so on and so forth. Do you know what she had the nerve to do? She made me laugh! Not just a half-assed, forced giggle. Har Har. Nope, it was FULL ON belly laughter. I mean, like buahwhwhwwhawaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and then I cackled my standard Sarah cackle and it was over. And more than once too.
;-)
And then....I felt better. At least the hysterical crying stopped. Not just because she did listen and essentially mommied me while I was on the verge of breakdown (plus I know I am rather pathetic when I cry, like Puss N Boots from Shrek I've been told, so she probably was tired of hearing that) but also because she reminded me that I AM going to get through this, I'm not the first woman on the planet who loved the wrong guy and did stupid shit for love, no one hates me and pulling up my big girl panties and getting a plan in order is really the only thing left to be done at this point. Then, in only the way that Crystal & I can during a private conversation, esablished the perfect euphemism for my current situation, except that it is not at all Blogger.com freindly, so I'll leave that to your imagination.
Then I was able to compose myself long enough to talk with Howard with some sense of calm exterior, though doubtful it was totally convincing. We have the beginnings of a tentative plan and like all plans, that means getting an outline of what your options are, having a meeting with all your experts and getting action items in motion.
I realized I can no longer be married to specific outcomes, that flexibility in my decision making and my ability to problem solve must become my shield and sword as I begin this new journey. The shock has finally worn off, now I can start getting it together. All the while, keeping that north star shinning bright in front of me.
So what if today is "just gotta get through the day" days? Who cares? No town has ever rebuilt in the aftermath of a torndado in one day or one week or one month.
Rebuilding takes patience, time, forgiveness.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Busy, Drippy Tree Fruit
Not much really to report other than that I've had another sinus thing this week that put me down for almost 2 full days and am hella busy trying to catch up. Today, I am meeting with the you know who for the you know what, will know more after that about what's to come. Howard is coming this weekend to help me with some man things around the house, bless his heart. He's so good to us. Plus, it might be good for Max to see him.
Max and I are butting heads right now about school, I dont' expect him to be a scholar if that's not his choice, but he does need to at least PASS his classes. Since soccer has been out, I see a steady decline. Like he doesn't seem to think he has to keep his grades up any more. Sigh. It's difficult sometimes, I feel like Max really should be able to handle managing his own school work and projects, but every time he falters, I feel like I have to get involved and light a fire under his ass. I don't quite get that and I've begun to wonder, at what point do you as a mother have to step back a little and just let your kid fail? I don't like that idea at all, but I can't force him to do anything and short of literally going to school with him every day and holding his hand through every assignment, I'm at a loss about what to do. I communicate with teachers and they all tell me the same thing, that Max just needs to turn in higher quality work. You'd be amazed at how little homework he actually has, a large portion of what is done each week is hands on at school. And probably the most frustrating thing for everyone involved, is the knowledge that Max is a bright young man. He's got a lot going for him, but he's got to want it and when he doesn't want it, it shows. And I mean it SHOWS. He's either excelling in his classes or totally bombing them and it's not about the subject, because this can change at any given time. One semester it might be science he's got an A in a D in Math. The next semester could be the complete opposite. Yet, the whole time he's talking about how he can't wait to get a job and a car and all these things that won't happen if he fails a class by the time the semester ends. It makes me sad for him, but he is making his own choices. I can only remind him so many times that he's got a project to turn in that week, or check through his work every night or talk with his teachers. I may revisit the locking him the closet until he's 21 theory soon.
Tomorrow night I'm going to see Ms. Sandy pants at her new house. YAY! Saturday, Max ad I are going to Kim's to meet the new boyfriend and watch the college football game. Football is not my thing, but under that guise I will have plenty of time to catch up with some old friends.
Sunday will be the 'nothing' day, which is good cuz I feel like I'll need one by then.
And, it is OFFICIALLY Christmas here in Colorado. Last night I saw people dragging lights out of garages and this ungodly inflatable Santa and his eight tiny reindeer has been hoisted by some poor grunting man to his rooftop. The stores are filling up with ornaments and other holiday-ish things. I'm still stuck in July/August for some reason. Seriously. I'm always slow to accept the madness of November & December. I do look forward to decorating my own house for solstice though and there will be at least one gift for Max this year, maybe. If he's good. Right now, I might just put a car-sized piece of coal wrapped up like a car under the carport. That would be mean wouldn't it LOL. I'm terrible.
Till next time, xo all
S
Max and I are butting heads right now about school, I dont' expect him to be a scholar if that's not his choice, but he does need to at least PASS his classes. Since soccer has been out, I see a steady decline. Like he doesn't seem to think he has to keep his grades up any more. Sigh. It's difficult sometimes, I feel like Max really should be able to handle managing his own school work and projects, but every time he falters, I feel like I have to get involved and light a fire under his ass. I don't quite get that and I've begun to wonder, at what point do you as a mother have to step back a little and just let your kid fail? I don't like that idea at all, but I can't force him to do anything and short of literally going to school with him every day and holding his hand through every assignment, I'm at a loss about what to do. I communicate with teachers and they all tell me the same thing, that Max just needs to turn in higher quality work. You'd be amazed at how little homework he actually has, a large portion of what is done each week is hands on at school. And probably the most frustrating thing for everyone involved, is the knowledge that Max is a bright young man. He's got a lot going for him, but he's got to want it and when he doesn't want it, it shows. And I mean it SHOWS. He's either excelling in his classes or totally bombing them and it's not about the subject, because this can change at any given time. One semester it might be science he's got an A in a D in Math. The next semester could be the complete opposite. Yet, the whole time he's talking about how he can't wait to get a job and a car and all these things that won't happen if he fails a class by the time the semester ends. It makes me sad for him, but he is making his own choices. I can only remind him so many times that he's got a project to turn in that week, or check through his work every night or talk with his teachers. I may revisit the locking him the closet until he's 21 theory soon.
Tomorrow night I'm going to see Ms. Sandy pants at her new house. YAY! Saturday, Max ad I are going to Kim's to meet the new boyfriend and watch the college football game. Football is not my thing, but under that guise I will have plenty of time to catch up with some old friends.
Sunday will be the 'nothing' day, which is good cuz I feel like I'll need one by then.
And, it is OFFICIALLY Christmas here in Colorado. Last night I saw people dragging lights out of garages and this ungodly inflatable Santa and his eight tiny reindeer has been hoisted by some poor grunting man to his rooftop. The stores are filling up with ornaments and other holiday-ish things. I'm still stuck in July/August for some reason. Seriously. I'm always slow to accept the madness of November & December. I do look forward to decorating my own house for solstice though and there will be at least one gift for Max this year, maybe. If he's good. Right now, I might just put a car-sized piece of coal wrapped up like a car under the carport. That would be mean wouldn't it LOL. I'm terrible.
Till next time, xo all
S
Monday, October 29, 2007
Weekend Warriors, New Friends and A Happily Blissfull Tree Fruit
Purrrrrrr. Happy sigh. I am a happy tree fruit today.
A physically exhausted tree fruit, but a happily blissful tree fruit nonetheless.
I spent my weekend hugging some of my favorite people ever, making great new friends and playing volley ball in the pool at 1 AM at a rockin' Halloween party. I can't wait for those pictures. Crystal looked smokin' hot, Heather and Mark cracked me up with their creativity and Dane makes the best fuzzy dice I've ever seen. Good times.
The weekend left me feeling loved and knowing that those special relationships in life transcend location, time and life experiences. Crystal also said something that got me thinking. "No regrets Sarah, no regrets." It was in reference to a rather giggly matter, but the general concept resonated with me. Some mistakes have been made, on my part and on the part of others. Holding regret in my heart, lamenting my choices and putting energy into something I cannot change is an exercise in futility. I thought about this coming from someone who I know has experienced the kind of pain that no one should, and knew that it was the truth. That those challenges in life that bring us pain, that thwart our efforts toward progress and boggle the mind are the same challenges that are already in the past by the time we are able to fully realize the complexities of said challenges. All I can do now is try to live it right and heal along with my son. Luckily, a select core few have stuck around through a lot of growing pains. I am truly blessed in that regard.
I also was able to finally piece together the reality that I've essentially been in shock these past few months and am just now beginning to feel the feelings. It makes perfect sense as the summer has just been a roller coaster of events and results of those events, washing over me in huge waves. How else can I begin to heal and feel my feelings when I can't even catch my breathe? Finally, those first tentative gulps of air are beginning.
The weekend brought much pleasure and fun, along with some much needed clarity that sometimes can only come from the people who know you best and love you the most.
Yay weekends with friends from Seattle! Cartman says Kiiiiick ass! Oh yes and Dane, ManBearPig will be haunting you for many episodes to come. May the force be wtih you.
A physically exhausted tree fruit, but a happily blissful tree fruit nonetheless.
I spent my weekend hugging some of my favorite people ever, making great new friends and playing volley ball in the pool at 1 AM at a rockin' Halloween party. I can't wait for those pictures. Crystal looked smokin' hot, Heather and Mark cracked me up with their creativity and Dane makes the best fuzzy dice I've ever seen. Good times.
The weekend left me feeling loved and knowing that those special relationships in life transcend location, time and life experiences. Crystal also said something that got me thinking. "No regrets Sarah, no regrets." It was in reference to a rather giggly matter, but the general concept resonated with me. Some mistakes have been made, on my part and on the part of others. Holding regret in my heart, lamenting my choices and putting energy into something I cannot change is an exercise in futility. I thought about this coming from someone who I know has experienced the kind of pain that no one should, and knew that it was the truth. That those challenges in life that bring us pain, that thwart our efforts toward progress and boggle the mind are the same challenges that are already in the past by the time we are able to fully realize the complexities of said challenges. All I can do now is try to live it right and heal along with my son. Luckily, a select core few have stuck around through a lot of growing pains. I am truly blessed in that regard.
I also was able to finally piece together the reality that I've essentially been in shock these past few months and am just now beginning to feel the feelings. It makes perfect sense as the summer has just been a roller coaster of events and results of those events, washing over me in huge waves. How else can I begin to heal and feel my feelings when I can't even catch my breathe? Finally, those first tentative gulps of air are beginning.
The weekend brought much pleasure and fun, along with some much needed clarity that sometimes can only come from the people who know you best and love you the most.
Yay weekends with friends from Seattle! Cartman says Kiiiiick ass! Oh yes and Dane, ManBearPig will be haunting you for many episodes to come. May the force be wtih you.
Friday, October 26, 2007
I Am Moon
The moon this morning, wow! Setting over the gorgeous Rockies, something about this phase of the moon, this time of year fills me with elated emotion.
Today, while staring at the moon out the side of my window on the way to work and trying to concentrate on the road rather than that dreamy spot in my mind; the lines of every poem, short story, song lyric and book I've ever read beamed through with startling clarity. You know the one, about the phases of the moon, the rising and setting sun, etc. Life ebbs and flows, rises and falls, joys and pains. I am Moon. So are you and all the energies that surround us. The phases of life are real, it's not a metaphor.
In the past 10 days, I feel as if I've engaged in battle. Something within me feels beaten, fallen.
Driving to work reminded me that any of us can be done with this life experience at any minute based on something so simple as a piece of rubber wound around a piece of metal.
Messages, letters, information gave me some clarity on places I still can't always wrap my head around. How some one could be so irresponsible with another persons life, with the life of a child that can do nothing about it. I'll admit I've had the sort of thoughts I am afraid of about him this past week, the thoughts that make me uncomfortable because there is nothing kind or compassionate about them. Bordering on purposefully wishing harm on someone else, born out of my own pain. I am not proud of this, but I can't apologize for it either. Something very very wrong has occurred here. Very wrong. I'm not always very well equipped in handling this sort of thing because I just can NOT understand it. No matter how I hard I try, I just can't. I am at fault in my own ways, certainly. Though, stealing from a mother and her child, putting them in financial peril for many years to come and taking absolutely zero steps to correct it or even acknowledge it, is beyond my comprehension. Cowardly actions for a man who so actively preaches integrity, humility and peace. Again, I am not proud of my need to still work through this in such a way, but I don't think shedding tears and feeling pain are to be unexpected still in this situation. I'd be willing to wager that most anyone who has expereinced such a signifcant betrayel would need to spend time working through it for an untold amount of time after it occurred. However long it takes, is the answer to that.
Friendships of 15+ years have been defiled. Darkness was thrown in my direction and I am simply unable to deflect it actively. I would rather walk away with out engaging in that ugliness than battle her another day. And he, will be left wage that battle on his own, I can no longer participate. It is over and I am sad for my son in that regard, because I know this will effect him in the longer term, but in other ways I believe it will benefit him as well. People change and it's important that they do, but when the relationships of those people change and it's no longer mutually beneficial for all involved, it's best to take the necessary steps to move on.
My emotional capacity to manage relationship conflict is null. Does not compute. All servers are down.
Though the battle feels waged upon me, I know it is not personal nor does it make me unique in any way. None of us are exempt from tears. Or the happiness. Laughter and brightness are available to us, in massive quantities, at our disposal. So are all these other cloudy skies, but they come and go. It's all sort of up to us. Soon, they will be gone for me and I can sense that. I am able to see my life 6 months from now. A smiling, happy and more centered version of myself. Someone who enjoys time with good friends and family more than anything. Someone who finds herself in the outdoors more often than not. Someone who has forgiven, is forgiven and isn't looking back. Someone who is honoring her callings, the direction in which her own North Star exists. A year from now, I see someone I don't even know right now. She doesn't seem like such a bad egg, more like a perfectly content sunflower. Reaching toward the sky in the forever journey of growth and enlightenment.
She needs to be watered though, so my humble request to you Universe, is please don't forget. I know you won't.
Today, while staring at the moon out the side of my window on the way to work and trying to concentrate on the road rather than that dreamy spot in my mind; the lines of every poem, short story, song lyric and book I've ever read beamed through with startling clarity. You know the one, about the phases of the moon, the rising and setting sun, etc. Life ebbs and flows, rises and falls, joys and pains. I am Moon. So are you and all the energies that surround us. The phases of life are real, it's not a metaphor.
In the past 10 days, I feel as if I've engaged in battle. Something within me feels beaten, fallen.
Driving to work reminded me that any of us can be done with this life experience at any minute based on something so simple as a piece of rubber wound around a piece of metal.
Messages, letters, information gave me some clarity on places I still can't always wrap my head around. How some one could be so irresponsible with another persons life, with the life of a child that can do nothing about it. I'll admit I've had the sort of thoughts I am afraid of about him this past week, the thoughts that make me uncomfortable because there is nothing kind or compassionate about them. Bordering on purposefully wishing harm on someone else, born out of my own pain. I am not proud of this, but I can't apologize for it either. Something very very wrong has occurred here. Very wrong. I'm not always very well equipped in handling this sort of thing because I just can NOT understand it. No matter how I hard I try, I just can't. I am at fault in my own ways, certainly. Though, stealing from a mother and her child, putting them in financial peril for many years to come and taking absolutely zero steps to correct it or even acknowledge it, is beyond my comprehension. Cowardly actions for a man who so actively preaches integrity, humility and peace. Again, I am not proud of my need to still work through this in such a way, but I don't think shedding tears and feeling pain are to be unexpected still in this situation. I'd be willing to wager that most anyone who has expereinced such a signifcant betrayel would need to spend time working through it for an untold amount of time after it occurred. However long it takes, is the answer to that.
Friendships of 15+ years have been defiled. Darkness was thrown in my direction and I am simply unable to deflect it actively. I would rather walk away with out engaging in that ugliness than battle her another day. And he, will be left wage that battle on his own, I can no longer participate. It is over and I am sad for my son in that regard, because I know this will effect him in the longer term, but in other ways I believe it will benefit him as well. People change and it's important that they do, but when the relationships of those people change and it's no longer mutually beneficial for all involved, it's best to take the necessary steps to move on.
My emotional capacity to manage relationship conflict is null. Does not compute. All servers are down.
Though the battle feels waged upon me, I know it is not personal nor does it make me unique in any way. None of us are exempt from tears. Or the happiness. Laughter and brightness are available to us, in massive quantities, at our disposal. So are all these other cloudy skies, but they come and go. It's all sort of up to us. Soon, they will be gone for me and I can sense that. I am able to see my life 6 months from now. A smiling, happy and more centered version of myself. Someone who enjoys time with good friends and family more than anything. Someone who finds herself in the outdoors more often than not. Someone who has forgiven, is forgiven and isn't looking back. Someone who is honoring her callings, the direction in which her own North Star exists. A year from now, I see someone I don't even know right now. She doesn't seem like such a bad egg, more like a perfectly content sunflower. Reaching toward the sky in the forever journey of growth and enlightenment.
She needs to be watered though, so my humble request to you Universe, is please don't forget. I know you won't.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Daily Gratitude's
Today, I am Grateful for:
My son Max
....for coming into the world and teaching me about love, patience, laughter and joy.
My dog Kasha
...for speaking a language I'm sure I would understand if I were 8. Since I am not, I am working to allow my mind to let go of everything it knows and just listen to her.
My favorite flannel sheets
...for enveloping me each night in warmth, safety and comfort. Like the arms of some long lost lover.
My family and friends
...for keeping me grounded with love and giving me the space to be me, in spite of me.
My heart
...for loving, forgiving and accepting.
My spirit
...for persevering.
My body
...for getting me out of bed each morning, even on the days when I'd rather stay in bed all day.
My son Max
....for coming into the world and teaching me about love, patience, laughter and joy.
My dog Kasha
...for speaking a language I'm sure I would understand if I were 8. Since I am not, I am working to allow my mind to let go of everything it knows and just listen to her.
My favorite flannel sheets
...for enveloping me each night in warmth, safety and comfort. Like the arms of some long lost lover.
My family and friends
...for keeping me grounded with love and giving me the space to be me, in spite of me.
My heart
...for loving, forgiving and accepting.
My spirit
...for persevering.
My body
...for getting me out of bed each morning, even on the days when I'd rather stay in bed all day.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
A Little Better Today
Today is better, though my dreams are still difficult and weighing on me. I'm having alot of dreams about death, I know death in dreams can represent rebirth or any number of big changes in your life and that would make perfect sense with my current state of mind.
I think I also feel a little better because I am getting a plan into action about how to proceed and it's going to mean working long hours, taking a huge hit in both the amount of time I have with my son on a regular basis and my long term financial stability, but it's what must be done or my house will go bye bye and Max and I can't be in that position. It is true, that life does in fact catch up with you and those you allow in your life and the choices you make along the way can have long term affects you may not be able to anticipate at the time. It's the chance you take I guess. Live, learn, grow.
And not looking back I suppose because it's not going to change a thing. Let it go, forgive. I cannot change decisions that have been made or the actions of others, I can only begin to work to rectify them.
Besides, Crystal will be here in about 24 hours so that's hard not to get excited about ;)
xo ya'll, till next time.
S
I think I also feel a little better because I am getting a plan into action about how to proceed and it's going to mean working long hours, taking a huge hit in both the amount of time I have with my son on a regular basis and my long term financial stability, but it's what must be done or my house will go bye bye and Max and I can't be in that position. It is true, that life does in fact catch up with you and those you allow in your life and the choices you make along the way can have long term affects you may not be able to anticipate at the time. It's the chance you take I guess. Live, learn, grow.
And not looking back I suppose because it's not going to change a thing. Let it go, forgive. I cannot change decisions that have been made or the actions of others, I can only begin to work to rectify them.
Besides, Crystal will be here in about 24 hours so that's hard not to get excited about ;)
xo ya'll, till next time.
S
Monday, October 22, 2007
Nothing
I'm not in a good mood today, so I'll keep this brief. I really having nothing to report at the moment, nothing positive anyway. Matt's visit with me this last weekend, which was really helpful emotionally and he was supportive as usual, was good and I did appreciate the company of an old friend. Crystal is coming soon, this is something I look forward to and I'm sure as the days draw nearer, I will feel lighter and brighter.
I feel poo poo today though and haven't been able to shake it since Friday. I just can't put my finger on how I've managed to make such a mess out of my life and why is that most every time I feel this way it involves a man in some way or another. Who needs 'em. I know me, I can't exist in this space for very long and the optimist in me will reemerge and become free again, not every day is going to be a good day and that's ok. Still though, these days make it hard to get out of bed, to feel joy, to have any kind of faith in others or even myself.
yuck.
Oh, it did snow yesterday tho. Big fatty flakes, very pretty. Made it easy for me to stay in bed all day.
I feel poo poo today though and haven't been able to shake it since Friday. I just can't put my finger on how I've managed to make such a mess out of my life and why is that most every time I feel this way it involves a man in some way or another. Who needs 'em. I know me, I can't exist in this space for very long and the optimist in me will reemerge and become free again, not every day is going to be a good day and that's ok. Still though, these days make it hard to get out of bed, to feel joy, to have any kind of faith in others or even myself.
yuck.
Oh, it did snow yesterday tho. Big fatty flakes, very pretty. Made it easy for me to stay in bed all day.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
He Finally Did It.
He finally said it, I knew he would and I'm sure it's not the first time but it's the first time probably so publically and in regards to Iran.
World War III.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/18/washington/18prexy.html?em&ex=1192852800&en=db166eae14f905a9&ei=5087%0A
If the holy honorable ears of my Grame and my Aunties didn't read this blog I'd have some rather choice words for "Mr." Bush.
Damn you, you bleep bleeeppppeeddy bleeeeep!
I just want to shake the living crap out of him. Let us not forget that we still have another year and some months until our next president is inaugurated.
Until then I will silently pray that some how the Dick Cheney's of the world aren't prepping for such an event.
World War III.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/18/washington/18prexy.html?em&ex=1192852800&en=db166eae14f905a9&ei=5087%0A
If the holy honorable ears of my Grame and my Aunties didn't read this blog I'd have some rather choice words for "Mr." Bush.
Damn you, you bleep bleeeppppeeddy bleeeeep!
I just want to shake the living crap out of him. Let us not forget that we still have another year and some months until our next president is inaugurated.
Until then I will silently pray that some how the Dick Cheney's of the world aren't prepping for such an event.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Coldplay - Fix You
I always thought this song was about a fathers love for his daughter, though I don't try to interpert the lyrics of other musicians. I think music is supposed to move us in the way it happens upon us, not nessisarly how it is intended by the musician. That is why art comes to us in so many forms, to help us think and feel and ponder our existance.
Regardless of how it is intended or even my own thoughts on it, I find this song greatfuly comforting during difficult times. It reminds me that I am not alone, that I am whole and complete within myself and that love contributes greatly to what
'fixes' us, not the approval of others or false senses of securities brought on by relationships or money or any of the other external things that won't fullfill those lonely places inside us.
Check out the video if you can, the end is sweet. Coldplay would be high on my list of indie rockers to see live.
**********************************************
Coldplay - Fix You
**********************************************
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream, down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...
Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
**********************************************
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBO6_u6Mb6s
Regardless of how it is intended or even my own thoughts on it, I find this song greatfuly comforting during difficult times. It reminds me that I am not alone, that I am whole and complete within myself and that love contributes greatly to what
'fixes' us, not the approval of others or false senses of securities brought on by relationships or money or any of the other external things that won't fullfill those lonely places inside us.
Check out the video if you can, the end is sweet. Coldplay would be high on my list of indie rockers to see live.
**********************************************
Coldplay - Fix You
**********************************************
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream, down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...
Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
**********************************************
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBO6_u6Mb6s
Friday, October 12, 2007
Friday = Funday
I am of the opinion that most days should be Fridays. I like Mondays and Tuesdays because that is when a lot of work gets done and I am my most productive. Wednesday and Thursdays are good for wrapping up work, tidying loose and preparing for the weekend. But if I could find a way for most days to be Fridays, I probably would. Except I'd still need to be paid for a full week - now THAT would be a feat in and of itself, wouldn't it?
Today is an exciting day, where a justice of sorts will be served. A day where the price of agony will not go unnoticed by those responsible. Sometimes in life, no matter whether you want to face it or not, you have to take measures to protect yourself. For me, today represents a marker in time, an indicator of growth.
Tonight is laundry, picking up the house and readying the back patio for winter. Winter, by the way, IS on it's way. It's still in the 60's and 70's during the day, but you KNOW it in the morning and after the sun goes down. I can't wait. I found a place to purchase pet-friendly products for the back area to help with the ice. The salts traditionally used get in Kasha's little paws and burn her little pads. She is a fragile little puppy wuppy you know, no matter how vicious her bark is.
Tomorrow morning I have to work in the morning and then grocery shopping. After that, I will spend most of the weekend cooking/watching movies and playing with my doggeh. Max has promised to spend all of Sunday with me, cooking together and watching Hereo's on DVD. I suspect he has something he wants to talk to me about or maybe, he just wants to chill with his mom for a change. Who knows?
Next week is the big court date for child support, we won't have final details from Wyoming until around Nov 1st. Though we know for sure that Max's dad will now be responsible for medical insurance and a percentage of cash support every month, what the value is remains to be see. And, if I see any of is also questionable. Time will tell, either way I feel the forward motion is a positive one.
Till next time kiddies, good night and good luck.
xo,
S
Today is an exciting day, where a justice of sorts will be served. A day where the price of agony will not go unnoticed by those responsible. Sometimes in life, no matter whether you want to face it or not, you have to take measures to protect yourself. For me, today represents a marker in time, an indicator of growth.
Tonight is laundry, picking up the house and readying the back patio for winter. Winter, by the way, IS on it's way. It's still in the 60's and 70's during the day, but you KNOW it in the morning and after the sun goes down. I can't wait. I found a place to purchase pet-friendly products for the back area to help with the ice. The salts traditionally used get in Kasha's little paws and burn her little pads. She is a fragile little puppy wuppy you know, no matter how vicious her bark is.
Tomorrow morning I have to work in the morning and then grocery shopping. After that, I will spend most of the weekend cooking/watching movies and playing with my doggeh. Max has promised to spend all of Sunday with me, cooking together and watching Hereo's on DVD. I suspect he has something he wants to talk to me about or maybe, he just wants to chill with his mom for a change. Who knows?
Next week is the big court date for child support, we won't have final details from Wyoming until around Nov 1st. Though we know for sure that Max's dad will now be responsible for medical insurance and a percentage of cash support every month, what the value is remains to be see. And, if I see any of is also questionable. Time will tell, either way I feel the forward motion is a positive one.
Till next time kiddies, good night and good luck.
xo,
S
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
In Honor Of.....
John Lennon
October 9th, 1940 - December 8th, 1980
My personal solo song of his is Instant Karma, the energy of the song is powerful and the lyrics are undeniably true.
I have been criticized for my idealistic perspective on the hippy movement of the 60's and my adoration for people like John Lennon simply because I was not there and did not experience it first hand. As if I'm some kind of poser for having respect for an era. Shame on you criticizers, for without that period in American history in which great social change was beginning to take it's first deep deep breathes, I'd be willing to wager that life would look very differently to my own generation. The simple concepts of peace, loving one another, unity, tolerance....those are NOT flakey theories to have and I wouldn't apologize for believing in them if you asked me to. The argument is that flower children were lazy, tuning out, doing too many drugs, taking things too far. Of course they took it too far, a certain group in every generation and every culture always does, it's part of human nature to visit extremes on all ends. This fact doesn't negate the effects of a time period that to me, signifies a profound ideological shift in the American social structure.
People like John Lennon gave people hope and permission to dream and a creative outlet to explore and release. It saddens my heart that he is gone already, but what he did while he was here was beautiful to me in that iconic way that only people like him achieve. He's not such a bad guy to have your list of conceptual hero's.
Peace :)
October 9th, 1940 - December 8th, 1980
My personal solo song of his is Instant Karma, the energy of the song is powerful and the lyrics are undeniably true.
I have been criticized for my idealistic perspective on the hippy movement of the 60's and my adoration for people like John Lennon simply because I was not there and did not experience it first hand. As if I'm some kind of poser for having respect for an era. Shame on you criticizers, for without that period in American history in which great social change was beginning to take it's first deep deep breathes, I'd be willing to wager that life would look very differently to my own generation. The simple concepts of peace, loving one another, unity, tolerance....those are NOT flakey theories to have and I wouldn't apologize for believing in them if you asked me to. The argument is that flower children were lazy, tuning out, doing too many drugs, taking things too far. Of course they took it too far, a certain group in every generation and every culture always does, it's part of human nature to visit extremes on all ends. This fact doesn't negate the effects of a time period that to me, signifies a profound ideological shift in the American social structure.
People like John Lennon gave people hope and permission to dream and a creative outlet to explore and release. It saddens my heart that he is gone already, but what he did while he was here was beautiful to me in that iconic way that only people like him achieve. He's not such a bad guy to have your list of conceptual hero's.
Peace :)
Monday, October 08, 2007
A Repeat Of Rwanda In Progress....?
I detest the idea of posting such an ugly article on my blog, however, I have no choice as this seems a familiar story. One which was being reported in the years up to the genocide occurring in Rwanda in 1994, but the world remained silent. My one major criticism of Clinton was his failure to respond to the violence occurring during those years leading up to and during the tribal brutality.
The rape was one of the first methods of torture/intimidation used by the Hutu's used against the Tootsies. Not long after, the genocide began.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/07/world/africa/07congo.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ei=5090&en=f9e3e9a3cd5274f3&ex=1349409600&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss
Certainly, we can't ignore the violence still raging in Darfur even though it's been out of the media limelight for several months now.
http://www.savedarfur.org/pages/background
I don't have the answer for how to stop the mass desecration of life, it is beyond my comprehension. I only know that information is the place to start.
The rape was one of the first methods of torture/intimidation used by the Hutu's used against the Tootsies. Not long after, the genocide began.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/07/world/africa/07congo.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ei=5090&en=f9e3e9a3cd5274f3&ex=1349409600&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss
Certainly, we can't ignore the violence still raging in Darfur even though it's been out of the media limelight for several months now.
http://www.savedarfur.org/pages/background
I don't have the answer for how to stop the mass desecration of life, it is beyond my comprehension. I only know that information is the place to start.
The Simple Life
Life is relatively quiet at the moment and I am thankful for this. Max is wrapping up soccer and other than the standard teen-age testing, he seems relatively stable and happy at the moment. All the animals are healthy getting ready for winter. Pumpkin and Kasha are forever engaging in a battle of wills and territory over who is Mom's 'favorite' which is a loosing battle because I don't have a 'favorite' but I can't seem to articulate this into kitteh/puppeh language.
Speaking of winter, it is definitely on it's way. Typical Colorado falls look like very cool mornings, with warmer afternoons in the 60's and 70's and that's how the rest of the week is supposed to go. Today however, it is very chilly out and cloudy. I expect more and more cloudy and cooler days, which I don't mind. If and/or when I move to another location, I will miss Colorado Spring/Fall so.
I have letters to write, aunties to call and friends coming to visit. I've lost 5 lbs (w/o so much as any effort) and have successfully revisited meditation in the past week on 3 different occasions. That vein in my forehead no longer throbs and pulses to it's own beat, there have been no headaches for over two weeks. I no longer feel bloated with grief and disappointment and am able to begin seeing the svelte, beautiful unique and lovely fruit within blossoming.
I miss that girl, the confident, happy and content person who's outside match her insides. It is possible she may experience another metamorphosis, even grander than the last. Time tells, no?
My dreams are regularly about the one we won't speak of though, actually more than ever these past two weeks. Yesterday morning, after a long night of awkward and strange dreams, I awoke half expecting him to be there, next to me. Except before my eyes opened I silently prayed to my angels that he wouldn't be, that I was free from months and months and months of confusing emotions and difficult mental spaces. Perhaps it is my subconscious finally allowing itself to explore this recent situation more indepthyly, while the conscious Sarah begins to move forward.
Who knows, but this morning I am snuggly in my sweater and have a nice warm cup of white tea ready for drinking.
Happy Monday friends, there is work to be done.
Till next time, love to you all.
xo,
S
Speaking of winter, it is definitely on it's way. Typical Colorado falls look like very cool mornings, with warmer afternoons in the 60's and 70's and that's how the rest of the week is supposed to go. Today however, it is very chilly out and cloudy. I expect more and more cloudy and cooler days, which I don't mind. If and/or when I move to another location, I will miss Colorado Spring/Fall so.
I have letters to write, aunties to call and friends coming to visit. I've lost 5 lbs (w/o so much as any effort) and have successfully revisited meditation in the past week on 3 different occasions. That vein in my forehead no longer throbs and pulses to it's own beat, there have been no headaches for over two weeks. I no longer feel bloated with grief and disappointment and am able to begin seeing the svelte, beautiful unique and lovely fruit within blossoming.
I miss that girl, the confident, happy and content person who's outside match her insides. It is possible she may experience another metamorphosis, even grander than the last. Time tells, no?
My dreams are regularly about the one we won't speak of though, actually more than ever these past two weeks. Yesterday morning, after a long night of awkward and strange dreams, I awoke half expecting him to be there, next to me. Except before my eyes opened I silently prayed to my angels that he wouldn't be, that I was free from months and months and months of confusing emotions and difficult mental spaces. Perhaps it is my subconscious finally allowing itself to explore this recent situation more indepthyly, while the conscious Sarah begins to move forward.
Who knows, but this morning I am snuggly in my sweater and have a nice warm cup of white tea ready for drinking.
Happy Monday friends, there is work to be done.
Till next time, love to you all.
xo,
S
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Encouraging News!
A court date has been set for Oct 16th 2007 to establish an official child support order! This also means that Sean would be required to provide Max with health insurance. I'm not sure if I can express in words how much it would help for Max's father to contribute financially, it would certainly lighten the weight so I can at least breathe and avoid robbing Peter to pay Paul. At least from now forward he will be required to by law and he won't have a lot of wiggle room around that. Of course, this does then beg the question of visitation, but H and I have discussed this and agreed that we will not even discuss visitation until Sean has submitted his payments on time for 3 consecutive months. Max is not a dollar sign, he his a human being and I don't see it as trading Sean's money for time with his own son. However, Sean has had 13+ years of opportunities and done nothing with them. The idea is that if Sean commits to being responsible enough to pay his child support on time, then he may possibly be capable of committing to visitation with Max.
In other news, I've decided to chose a class for the Spring 2008 semester and begin attending school. 1 class, 1 semester at a time. It feels like it's time and I think I can handle 1 class per semester. Besides, my organization offers tuition reimbursement, I'd be a fool not to take them up on it. It's more than adequate to pay for one class each semester. The next decision....what do I want to be when I grow up? Luckily, I can start with just some core classes, I'll need to meet with an advisor and decide which campus to attend. I may also consider University of Phoenix, I'm hearing good things about the programs and they have a Bachelors of Science - Information Technology/Software Engineering. I am at a cross roads of sorts, I may pursue a completely different outlet other than my current position, I may expand on my current skills which would be the most financially lucrative move, though I'm not sure my heart will be in it for the next 20 years. I've considered advocacy as a potential option, particularly with homeless/battered women and children. Environmental advocacy has also crossed my mind on a number of occasions. Working in a field that provides the opportunity to effect change seems to be the direction my spirit wants to move toward, but the sensible part of me says make the money and volunteer. It's a difficult decision.
Let's see what else....oh my cousin Krista had her 2nd baby. He's SO cute. Two boys now under the age of 2, I thinks he's crazy but she seems determined to have a large family, I can respect that. I often wish I were closer to my families, in the Pacific Northwest I have all this warmth and wisdom and up in them great lakes, I've got this huge extended family. Sometimes I forget that I really do have all this bloodline out there in the world. I miss
Max has homecoming this weekend, there is a lot of himming and haawing over what he'll be doing this weekend as he's made a very firm decision NOT to go to the dance with a 'date.' Apparently his soccer team has opted as a group not to go to the dance and are planning to do stuff together. Girls are not NEARLY as important as hanging out with the guys right now. School, soccer, BMXin's and 'dude' time are pretty much Max's life at the moment. I'll take it, less opportunities for pregnancy that way LOL.
Work is going to be extremely demanding in the coming months, one of our clients is being audited and since I am knowledgeable in all things 'techie' then I must be a whiz at accounting to right? Heh. Wrong. That seems to be assumption however, it's often implied that I am to manage the data of my clients though I am only supposed to build the infrastructure for them to manage their data. Manage your own damn data! I've already spoken with my supervisors about this and made it clear that I will provide the client with an export of the data they've requested and an Access database to create the queries they are looking for, but I WILL not be involved with the actual audit process. I AM NOT AN ACCOUNTANT! Putting my foot down on this one. Cover your ass! CYA all the way baby!
This weekend should be a quiet one, I've got a few small chores and a book to finish. I've was reading "The Fifth Sacred Thing" which I adore and then made the mistake of beginning to read "MiddleSex" on afternoon which is worth reading if you can get through the first 3 - 5 chapters. After that, it's an intense story and has challenged my thought about gender and sex. The concepts described in this book are not new to me, but the detail in which they are described is powerful. Now that I've finished that I can return to "The Fifth Sacred Thing" where I left off. It's supposed to be rainy/snowy (YEP they said a MIX of snow on Saturday!) all weekend so I'm SO about snuggle time with a book and my doggeh.
Animal news: Gaia has finally healed up from her Rocky Mountain Jaguar experience (coyote) but has a nasty scar on her hind quarter. I was beginning to get nervous about infection there for a while, but kitteh's have their own ways of healing themselves and I trusted her in that. Plus, a little antiseptic from Mom never hurt either. Pumpkin NEVER stops mewling, but since Matty's last visit where he carried her down the stairs and made her sit with him, she has decided to become part of the family again and cusses me less if I am holding her. She is very much like an infant, she wants to be held or on my knee or my shoulder or licking my ear. The new thing is for EVERYONE to follow me around, get under foot and fight over who sits with Mom and where and for how long. They truly are like a set of siblings. I usually watch an hour or so of TV at night, after I settle in to do so I am surrounded. Pumpkin on the left of me, purring and shedding all over me and watching Kasha suspiciously for any sudden movements. Kasha on the right, licking my hand, burrowing under the blanket and eyeing Pumpkin in case Pumpkin should get any closer than she already is OR goes to Kasha's water bowl for a drink. This is NOT ok, the cats may NOT drink out of Kasha's water bowl under any circumstances whatsoever.
Gaia just lays at my feet, under the table and sleeps. She really is far to sophisticated for all this nonsense. I feel for her, she's surrounded by total jokers and can barely tolerate us. She does have to keep an eye on us though, and thus has joined the parade. *grin*
I'm off for now, work beckons and my belly is rumbling again. Note to self: Chips and salsa do NOT a good breakfast make. I wanted berries, yogurt and some toast...but no time b/c Max and I both were running out the door late today.....
In other news, I've decided to chose a class for the Spring 2008 semester and begin attending school. 1 class, 1 semester at a time. It feels like it's time and I think I can handle 1 class per semester. Besides, my organization offers tuition reimbursement, I'd be a fool not to take them up on it. It's more than adequate to pay for one class each semester. The next decision....what do I want to be when I grow up? Luckily, I can start with just some core classes, I'll need to meet with an advisor and decide which campus to attend. I may also consider University of Phoenix, I'm hearing good things about the programs and they have a Bachelors of Science - Information Technology/Software Engineering. I am at a cross roads of sorts, I may pursue a completely different outlet other than my current position, I may expand on my current skills which would be the most financially lucrative move, though I'm not sure my heart will be in it for the next 20 years. I've considered advocacy as a potential option, particularly with homeless/battered women and children. Environmental advocacy has also crossed my mind on a number of occasions. Working in a field that provides the opportunity to effect change seems to be the direction my spirit wants to move toward, but the sensible part of me says make the money and volunteer. It's a difficult decision.
Let's see what else....oh my cousin Krista had her 2nd baby. He's SO cute. Two boys now under the age of 2, I thinks he's crazy but she seems determined to have a large family, I can respect that. I often wish I were closer to my families, in the Pacific Northwest I have all this warmth and wisdom and up in them great lakes, I've got this huge extended family. Sometimes I forget that I really do have all this bloodline out there in the world. I miss
Max has homecoming this weekend, there is a lot of himming and haawing over what he'll be doing this weekend as he's made a very firm decision NOT to go to the dance with a 'date.' Apparently his soccer team has opted as a group not to go to the dance and are planning to do stuff together. Girls are not NEARLY as important as hanging out with the guys right now. School, soccer, BMXin's and 'dude' time are pretty much Max's life at the moment. I'll take it, less opportunities for pregnancy that way LOL.
Work is going to be extremely demanding in the coming months, one of our clients is being audited and since I am knowledgeable in all things 'techie' then I must be a whiz at accounting to right? Heh. Wrong. That seems to be assumption however, it's often implied that I am to manage the data of my clients though I am only supposed to build the infrastructure for them to manage their data. Manage your own damn data! I've already spoken with my supervisors about this and made it clear that I will provide the client with an export of the data they've requested and an Access database to create the queries they are looking for, but I WILL not be involved with the actual audit process. I AM NOT AN ACCOUNTANT! Putting my foot down on this one. Cover your ass! CYA all the way baby!
This weekend should be a quiet one, I've got a few small chores and a book to finish. I've was reading "The Fifth Sacred Thing" which I adore and then made the mistake of beginning to read "MiddleSex" on afternoon which is worth reading if you can get through the first 3 - 5 chapters. After that, it's an intense story and has challenged my thought about gender and sex. The concepts described in this book are not new to me, but the detail in which they are described is powerful. Now that I've finished that I can return to "The Fifth Sacred Thing" where I left off. It's supposed to be rainy/snowy (YEP they said a MIX of snow on Saturday!) all weekend so I'm SO about snuggle time with a book and my doggeh.
Animal news: Gaia has finally healed up from her Rocky Mountain Jaguar experience (coyote) but has a nasty scar on her hind quarter. I was beginning to get nervous about infection there for a while, but kitteh's have their own ways of healing themselves and I trusted her in that. Plus, a little antiseptic from Mom never hurt either. Pumpkin NEVER stops mewling, but since Matty's last visit where he carried her down the stairs and made her sit with him, she has decided to become part of the family again and cusses me less if I am holding her. She is very much like an infant, she wants to be held or on my knee or my shoulder or licking my ear. The new thing is for EVERYONE to follow me around, get under foot and fight over who sits with Mom and where and for how long. They truly are like a set of siblings. I usually watch an hour or so of TV at night, after I settle in to do so I am surrounded. Pumpkin on the left of me, purring and shedding all over me and watching Kasha suspiciously for any sudden movements. Kasha on the right, licking my hand, burrowing under the blanket and eyeing Pumpkin in case Pumpkin should get any closer than she already is OR goes to Kasha's water bowl for a drink. This is NOT ok, the cats may NOT drink out of Kasha's water bowl under any circumstances whatsoever.
Gaia just lays at my feet, under the table and sleeps. She really is far to sophisticated for all this nonsense. I feel for her, she's surrounded by total jokers and can barely tolerate us. She does have to keep an eye on us though, and thus has joined the parade. *grin*
I'm off for now, work beckons and my belly is rumbling again. Note to self: Chips and salsa do NOT a good breakfast make. I wanted berries, yogurt and some toast...but no time b/c Max and I both were running out the door late today.....
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
I KNEW IT! Course, depends on the day I guess...
What dog breed are you? Quiz
Free Fun Quizzes at FunQuizCards.com
My Result Was:
Your dog breed personality is - Bulldog, Alsatian, Labrador, etc. Aggressive, spontaneous and hyperactive.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Updates, Revelations and Joy
My weekend was relatively quiet. Evan and I had a wonderful time Saturday, he's grown so much. Saturday afternoon Matty worked on my car (thanks Matt!) and we had a beer and he called me "old" for which I promptly reminded him that women, like fine wine, only become more intoxicating with age. He was only kidding of course, though I will remember that when the next decade turns over for him. It is not painful, but it is an enlightening experience that YES.....our physical body is not permanent and that life does not wait for our visions or plans to pan out. Sunday was my typical quiet, to myself day while Max went rushing about on his bike and roller blades.
I can report that I've begun to grow back into my own skin and, happily so. I realized that I'd allowed my summer to have damaging effects on my self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Scalding humiliations can do that to a person. Somehow though, the human spirit is a resilient being and for all my faults, I seem to excel in resilience.
My Aunt MB sent me a book, it was a monster size light bulb that went !DING! I'm not sure how to articulate where I am in this moment, but I know it is a shifting space of ebbs and tides, with all this flowing universe around me waiting to be explored and considered. Something inside me is beginning to bloom and even though I'm NOT in the most positive mood today, I can still feel it in there, wiggling around and trying to bust up out of my internal soils and blossom into something bigger than is there today.
The question has become "Now what?" I am in the position of completely reformulating my life, sparking new idea's and new possibilities. I know I'd like to make some changes career wise in the coming years, I'd like to begin working more with meditation and regrouping myself spiritually, and devoting some energies to the changes I'd like to see in the world. Those are strong messages from within, but I'm not even sure where to start.
It will come to me, I'm sure of it.
I can report that I've begun to grow back into my own skin and, happily so. I realized that I'd allowed my summer to have damaging effects on my self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Scalding humiliations can do that to a person. Somehow though, the human spirit is a resilient being and for all my faults, I seem to excel in resilience.
My Aunt MB sent me a book, it was a monster size light bulb that went !DING! I'm not sure how to articulate where I am in this moment, but I know it is a shifting space of ebbs and tides, with all this flowing universe around me waiting to be explored and considered. Something inside me is beginning to bloom and even though I'm NOT in the most positive mood today, I can still feel it in there, wiggling around and trying to bust up out of my internal soils and blossom into something bigger than is there today.
The question has become "Now what?" I am in the position of completely reformulating my life, sparking new idea's and new possibilities. I know I'd like to make some changes career wise in the coming years, I'd like to begin working more with meditation and regrouping myself spiritually, and devoting some energies to the changes I'd like to see in the world. Those are strong messages from within, but I'm not even sure where to start.
It will come to me, I'm sure of it.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
My High Score: 92!
Ok, for you bowlers out there DO NOT READ this post because you will just laugh at me. But I got a 92 as my high score today! YAY MEE!
Once per quarter my company does something fun with my team, we have potlucks, go bowling, play Family Feud (that is a HOOT!) and occasionally, we just get to leave early on Friday's if our work is done on time.
Today we went bowling, had pizza (they even ordered a veggie for Rhy and I, aw) and whilst there is no libations allowed of any kind because someone always ruins it, we all plenty and plenty of fine.
Hooting, hollering and a whole lot of non-techie speak, which is almost unheard of at my work b/c if we aren't speaking nerd-speak to one another that is related to work, the jokes we make are nerd-speak and sometimes I'm just like COME ON PEOPLE the world does not exist inside a desktop computer and the world of code. Seriously.
Even J whom I rarely even hear a peep from was throwing his gorilla balls (and handed my ass to me, but oh well) and giggle like a little boy. Does much for morale I'd say.
So, out of 3 games I bowled an 86, an 82 and then...a 92! One more frame and I would've broke 100. YAY BOWLING. YAY Tree Fruits!
I'm off to finish up a few quick chores about the house and then, I'm done for the day. Max and I plan to do a little weeding this weekend, watch monkey Bubba and I will spend my standard 2 - 4 hours each day combing the internet for contract job.
YAY BOWLING!
peace
Once per quarter my company does something fun with my team, we have potlucks, go bowling, play Family Feud (that is a HOOT!) and occasionally, we just get to leave early on Friday's if our work is done on time.
Today we went bowling, had pizza (they even ordered a veggie for Rhy and I, aw) and whilst there is no libations allowed of any kind because someone always ruins it, we all plenty and plenty of fine.
Hooting, hollering and a whole lot of non-techie speak, which is almost unheard of at my work b/c if we aren't speaking nerd-speak to one another that is related to work, the jokes we make are nerd-speak and sometimes I'm just like COME ON PEOPLE the world does not exist inside a desktop computer and the world of code. Seriously.
Even J whom I rarely even hear a peep from was throwing his gorilla balls (and handed my ass to me, but oh well) and giggle like a little boy. Does much for morale I'd say.
So, out of 3 games I bowled an 86, an 82 and then...a 92! One more frame and I would've broke 100. YAY BOWLING. YAY Tree Fruits!
I'm off to finish up a few quick chores about the house and then, I'm done for the day. Max and I plan to do a little weeding this weekend, watch monkey Bubba and I will spend my standard 2 - 4 hours each day combing the internet for contract job.
YAY BOWLING!
peace
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Finally, it happened...
It seemed inevitable, that I was well one my way to becoming the emotionally barren ice queen I've always feared. She's not able to embrace the warmth of life, of living each day. She cannot appreciate the beauty of others or avoid the cynical eye peering down upon the new ones crossing her path. She lost her own light somewhere and put the blame on anything else to deflect it from being her own responsibility to find it again. She hisses secretly with her fellow female cohorts, and took great pleasure in the idea's that she might become the martyr for all of those who've pained and lost and sacrificed and been taken advantage of. And surely, she would never ever love anyone again as an even great measure of self-preservation. Certainly, she wouldn't allow anyone that control over her.
She is someone I fear, someone I've managed to avoid thus far in spite of a number of rather low blows. She terrifies me, living in a space of complete nothingness. Without love or warmth or pleasure or goodness or anything, just nothing. That seems like a bad place.
Then, last night, it finally happened. I cried. Not just cried, I mean I wept and sobbed. For over an hour. I haven't cried more than a few tears in a few months (believe it or not) and something about that felt to me like the life draining right out of me. At first, I thought I'd just cried it all out. Maybe the tears had finally just dried up. Then it seemed maybe it was just a normal phase of grieving and then I started to really worry when it'd been weeks and weeks since anything more than a tiny tear appeared at the corner of my eye. Crying is a release for me, it's a release I've practiced my entire life time and unlike many, I am comfortable doing it openly and up until recently, often. I cry to cleanse, I cry to feel the emotions that build up within my body that I am unable to release any other way and I cry because pain is something I am familiar with, but work with it to give it room to breathe and once it starts to breathe, like all wounds, it begins to heal. I cry because it feels good, I cry when I am overcome with joy and I cry when I hold an infant or hear a moving song live at Red Rocks.
And last night, I cried and cried and let it all wash over me. I cried for the shock I've been in. I cried for the lies, the pain, the disappointment. I cried for the fears, I cried for the memories, I cried for the enormous amount of expended energies. I cried for the tremendous highs and happiness and places of safety. I cried for loosing my path and mistrusting my instincts, I cried for wanting to be loved and being vulnerable. I cried for the mother I am and the mother I wish to be. I cried for the pain of death and birth and rebirth. I cried for the humiliation, the betrayals, the place within me that just aches.
The little girl within shed tears and shook violently and felt small and scared and alone. And that was ok. The big girl within held on tight and simply let her cry until she couldn't any longer. And then, when the tears began to dry...she was exhausted, emotionally spent, ready to sleep (the best nights sleep she's had in weeks) and prepare for another day of being a big girl again. Knowing now that she could do it because finally she'd cried out all of that awfulness, it was all real again, not hidden behind the big walls that started building themselves without her permission. The cancer that was forming wasn't going to just go away by itself, but cleansing it out was a good start.
She is someone I fear, someone I've managed to avoid thus far in spite of a number of rather low blows. She terrifies me, living in a space of complete nothingness. Without love or warmth or pleasure or goodness or anything, just nothing. That seems like a bad place.
Then, last night, it finally happened. I cried. Not just cried, I mean I wept and sobbed. For over an hour. I haven't cried more than a few tears in a few months (believe it or not) and something about that felt to me like the life draining right out of me. At first, I thought I'd just cried it all out. Maybe the tears had finally just dried up. Then it seemed maybe it was just a normal phase of grieving and then I started to really worry when it'd been weeks and weeks since anything more than a tiny tear appeared at the corner of my eye. Crying is a release for me, it's a release I've practiced my entire life time and unlike many, I am comfortable doing it openly and up until recently, often. I cry to cleanse, I cry to feel the emotions that build up within my body that I am unable to release any other way and I cry because pain is something I am familiar with, but work with it to give it room to breathe and once it starts to breathe, like all wounds, it begins to heal. I cry because it feels good, I cry when I am overcome with joy and I cry when I hold an infant or hear a moving song live at Red Rocks.
And last night, I cried and cried and let it all wash over me. I cried for the shock I've been in. I cried for the lies, the pain, the disappointment. I cried for the fears, I cried for the memories, I cried for the enormous amount of expended energies. I cried for the tremendous highs and happiness and places of safety. I cried for loosing my path and mistrusting my instincts, I cried for wanting to be loved and being vulnerable. I cried for the mother I am and the mother I wish to be. I cried for the pain of death and birth and rebirth. I cried for the humiliation, the betrayals, the place within me that just aches.
The little girl within shed tears and shook violently and felt small and scared and alone. And that was ok. The big girl within held on tight and simply let her cry until she couldn't any longer. And then, when the tears began to dry...she was exhausted, emotionally spent, ready to sleep (the best nights sleep she's had in weeks) and prepare for another day of being a big girl again. Knowing now that she could do it because finally she'd cried out all of that awfulness, it was all real again, not hidden behind the big walls that started building themselves without her permission. The cancer that was forming wasn't going to just go away by itself, but cleansing it out was a good start.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Amongst the attirbutes I'd like to add to my growing list of "Super Powers" is the ability to elongate and stretch my body like cats do. In yoga, it may be possible to achieve something similar and certainely, stretching in such a manner is satisfying. Based on the the blissfull gratification that cats seem to gain from their stretching, I'm not sure the many ideartions of down-ward dog and cat pose could ever compare. Gaia Cat's look the most graceful, her paws seem to extend far beyond her normal reach and her yawning mouth exposes all those teeth and her eyes roll back in her head, you can almost see her transcending this reality for a breif moment. Gaia also has the ability to hunch her spine up in a most startling manner, much like you'd see in a child coloring book for Halloween. She is the epidome of the "Halloween Black Cat" when she arches up like that. This arching looks extremely enjoyable as it always followed by another round of the paws extended forward/teeth/posessed eyes stretch. Pumpkin is old and mostly, just takes her time doing every thing. Her stretches are mostly on her back and remind me of when she was a smalll kitten. In that moment, Pumpkin is 4 months old and staring at me upside-down, taunting and hoping beyond hope that I will produce string or some other string like object from my person. My personal favorite was to chase her with the feather duster, which put my mother through the roof because it was made of "real ostritch feathers" and that meant nothing to me except that some poor ostritch had lost it's beautiful garment to this silly household item. It made a much better kitten toy and eventually Pumpkin did have her with it and the feather duster was no more.
Those are good memories, chasing Pumpkin with the feather duster and my mother having a coniption over it. I'll need to keep this in mind when Max is tormenting me with such silly things and I find myself getting frustrated, is it not the job of children to get a rise out of their parents? How ever slight and usually without any real purpose but for the simple pleasure of doing so?
This weekend was quiet, I spent the majority of it rebounding from a nasty fluish type thing. My body has never ached so from a virus (thus the stretching mentioned above) and luckily my body finally did say "No More" and the fever totally broke Saturday night. Sunday I slept, read and watched Max buzz around the house. My senses are still quiet sleepy, I feel pretty slow moving and lethargic (like Pumpkin!) and still like no appetite, but I'm up and moving around. The weather today makes me want to be right back at home, sleeping the day away. Cloudy, rainy....I'd better go check on the animals at lunch. Kasha is out back today.....that always make me nervous.
Matty stopped by briefly Saturday night, always a treat to see him. I received a few text messages later that would imply he was having a good night at his bosses house. Sleep eluded me most of the night, my body getting restless I suppose.
Work beckons, I should be moving myself along here.....heard this on the radio this morning and while The Police and I are long standing friends, I couldn't help but laugh at Johnny Rotten's comments about Sting. Love him or hate him, he is a long standing figure in the punk community and that 70's era of punk music thrived off of shock value and insults.
Johhny Behave!
Those are good memories, chasing Pumpkin with the feather duster and my mother having a coniption over it. I'll need to keep this in mind when Max is tormenting me with such silly things and I find myself getting frustrated, is it not the job of children to get a rise out of their parents? How ever slight and usually without any real purpose but for the simple pleasure of doing so?
This weekend was quiet, I spent the majority of it rebounding from a nasty fluish type thing. My body has never ached so from a virus (thus the stretching mentioned above) and luckily my body finally did say "No More" and the fever totally broke Saturday night. Sunday I slept, read and watched Max buzz around the house. My senses are still quiet sleepy, I feel pretty slow moving and lethargic (like Pumpkin!) and still like no appetite, but I'm up and moving around. The weather today makes me want to be right back at home, sleeping the day away. Cloudy, rainy....I'd better go check on the animals at lunch. Kasha is out back today.....that always make me nervous.
Matty stopped by briefly Saturday night, always a treat to see him. I received a few text messages later that would imply he was having a good night at his bosses house. Sleep eluded me most of the night, my body getting restless I suppose.
Work beckons, I should be moving myself along here.....heard this on the radio this morning and while The Police and I are long standing friends, I couldn't help but laugh at Johnny Rotten's comments about Sting. Love him or hate him, he is a long standing figure in the punk community and that 70's era of punk music thrived off of shock value and insults.
Johhny Behave!
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Malaise
mal·aise
Pronunciation: m&-'lAz, ma-, -'lez
Function: noun
Etymology: French malaise, from Old French, from mal- + aise comfort -- more at ease
1 : an indefinite feeling of debility or lack of health often indicative of or accompanying the onset of an illness
As defined by Merriam Webster....
yes, it is a word and yes, it is a real thing. I, however, am giving it no more acknowledgement than a simple technical definition and a double boost of Vitamin C/Echinacea.
Back you evil crud, there is no home for you here! Your kind is not wanted and I am stronger than your silly viral attack!
BACK BEAST, BACK I SAY!
Pronunciation: m&-'lAz, ma-, -'lez
Function: noun
Etymology: French malaise, from Old French, from mal- + aise comfort -- more at ease
1 : an indefinite feeling of debility or lack of health often indicative of or accompanying the onset of an illness
As defined by Merriam Webster....
yes, it is a word and yes, it is a real thing. I, however, am giving it no more acknowledgement than a simple technical definition and a double boost of Vitamin C/Echinacea.
Back you evil crud, there is no home for you here! Your kind is not wanted and I am stronger than your silly viral attack!
BACK BEAST, BACK I SAY!
Monday, September 17, 2007
Top 5 Reasons I Am Happy Today
1) I woke up to a pink little tongue happily licking my face (this means it's time to wake up and go to the potty, it's a short window, puppies have small bladders.)
2) Max and I both made it to school/work on time (and I listened to Amy Winehouse all the way to work WOOT WOOT.)
3) Troop withdrawal is actually a public discussion now and not just a theory propagated by 'lefty tree huggers.'
4) My Aunty MB sent me an email that gave me more food for though than I've been able to absorb in a while.
5) All day I've eaten only protein and veggies and though I am eating meat again (fish, some chicken, with NO stringy animal things involved) I feel pretty good about the fact that I am doing it consciously and making the choice to do so because it is what makes sense for my family right now in terms of budgeting.
2) Max and I both made it to school/work on time (and I listened to Amy Winehouse all the way to work WOOT WOOT.)
3) Troop withdrawal is actually a public discussion now and not just a theory propagated by 'lefty tree huggers.'
4) My Aunty MB sent me an email that gave me more food for though than I've been able to absorb in a while.
5) All day I've eaten only protein and veggies and though I am eating meat again (fish, some chicken, with NO stringy animal things involved) I feel pretty good about the fact that I am doing it consciously and making the choice to do so because it is what makes sense for my family right now in terms of budgeting.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Ok Weekend....
Weekend was pretty quiet, I mostly felt like crap Fri/Saturday from this sinus infection. M & H came over some Monopoly, which was fun. I miss Matt, I don't see him all that often these days. We all turned in relatively early for us and I was up early this morning.
Mostly I just read all today, watched a few movies and sat for a while in my yard trying to understand what I'm doing with my life and the direction I'm going to take.
It became clear to me that some closure is still needed with Chance and until that happens, I may not be able to fully take the steps necessary to move forward and heal. I do not miss Chance, but I miss the trust I once was able to feel inherently for others that he took with him. I do not miss his endless tirades, concepts that can only survive in a land of fantasy that exists in his mind and the gigantic ego he so eagerly claimed to have released, but somehow I was left to constantly feed. I don't miss being ignored, I don't miss being ridiculed and I definitely don't miss being compared to someone that can never exist. I miss the man I thought he was, the man he was for the first 1.5 years of our relationship, but not the man he became after the facade faded. I do not miss feeling powerless, vulnerable with no hope and unprotected. I do not miss wondering how long it would take for him to touch me again like he loved me, to do something even remotely considerate or show some sign of respect for the life that my credit and my money (and the money of my family) helped him to have. He will always deny it and expect all others to honor all that HE did to help what we started happen, which at first was the bare bones of what he SHOULD be doing. You know, like paying his half of the mortgage/bills (as promised) but that's about it. Certainly nothing above and beyond the very bottom of what he obligated himself to in the beginning. During the last 6 months of our relationship, his "help" as he often put it, became less reliable. In fact, before he even left he owed me a fair amount of money for bounced checks, car issues and a number of little debts here and there.
I can never fault his heart for changing as mine had in January of this last year (but I chose to stick it out) but I can fault him for his poor judgement in financial matters, lack of honesty and maintaining some level of integrity through this process. Yes, I fault him for that because everything he's done goes against everything I've seen him preach to others in his life. Everything I thought we both believed in, living with some sense of integrity, doing the best you can do to the best of your ability. It's so easy to spin a beautiful tale, but actually living it are two different things. This doesn't just apply to others, this applies to myself as well and I know I am also accountable for many poor decisions recently.
Do I sound bitter? Perhaps. Truthfully, at this moment I do not harbor any bitter in my heart, only the knowledge that I can fully except where I have failed and now know what has to be done in order for me to move on, free myself and heal. I will always approach the world with compassion and kindness, but this does not mean I must release my personal power in the process.
Chance will never give me what I need in order to move on willingly, ever. He will rationalize his behaviors and lie even to himself until the very end. He will never apologize or even admit any wrong doing, I'm not even sure that he internally struggles with anything that has occurred over the past few months that sit on his shoulders. It may sound like blame, but the facts speak for themselves and I imagine even a totally objective party with no association to Chance or I could see that. Chance will never put his pride down long enough to do the right thing. Chance will never give me what I need to get past this. I will have to take it from him. And I will. Not out of hatred, or ill will or as a means to a power struggle between us. It will be about me finally doing what I should have done a long time ago, taking back my life and protecting the inters ts of my son and I. Forgiveness for Chance and my own poor judgements will come with time.
Until then, I am ready to get serious about what the next steps are in the immediate moment and partly that means do everything possible to completely disassociate myself from him in every way. Financially, spiritually, emotionally and even physically. He still lives in this house in many ways, there are signs of him here, I still feel strange sleeping on his side of the bed and I keep finding little treasures all of the house of his. I'm sure he's not thinking an ounce of Max or I while he's sitting in his high rise condo with the new room-mate watching college girls get in and out of the pool and drinking massive quantities of alcohol. Cheers bachelors!
Chance once told me that our love would transcend any adversity, that we were soul mates, that we would live together in a space that only existed for us. Quite charming huh? Once again, one profound lesson I've learned from this is just how cheap cheap cheap talk can be. I believed in us and for us, the connection (I thought) was fundamentally spiritual.
I have no choice but to completely remove him from any space within me. There is nothing left for him and I can no longer sacrifice energy. I know only I can make that happen.
Mostly I just read all today, watched a few movies and sat for a while in my yard trying to understand what I'm doing with my life and the direction I'm going to take.
It became clear to me that some closure is still needed with Chance and until that happens, I may not be able to fully take the steps necessary to move forward and heal. I do not miss Chance, but I miss the trust I once was able to feel inherently for others that he took with him. I do not miss his endless tirades, concepts that can only survive in a land of fantasy that exists in his mind and the gigantic ego he so eagerly claimed to have released, but somehow I was left to constantly feed. I don't miss being ignored, I don't miss being ridiculed and I definitely don't miss being compared to someone that can never exist. I miss the man I thought he was, the man he was for the first 1.5 years of our relationship, but not the man he became after the facade faded. I do not miss feeling powerless, vulnerable with no hope and unprotected. I do not miss wondering how long it would take for him to touch me again like he loved me, to do something even remotely considerate or show some sign of respect for the life that my credit and my money (and the money of my family) helped him to have. He will always deny it and expect all others to honor all that HE did to help what we started happen, which at first was the bare bones of what he SHOULD be doing. You know, like paying his half of the mortgage/bills (as promised) but that's about it. Certainly nothing above and beyond the very bottom of what he obligated himself to in the beginning. During the last 6 months of our relationship, his "help" as he often put it, became less reliable. In fact, before he even left he owed me a fair amount of money for bounced checks, car issues and a number of little debts here and there.
I can never fault his heart for changing as mine had in January of this last year (but I chose to stick it out) but I can fault him for his poor judgement in financial matters, lack of honesty and maintaining some level of integrity through this process. Yes, I fault him for that because everything he's done goes against everything I've seen him preach to others in his life. Everything I thought we both believed in, living with some sense of integrity, doing the best you can do to the best of your ability. It's so easy to spin a beautiful tale, but actually living it are two different things. This doesn't just apply to others, this applies to myself as well and I know I am also accountable for many poor decisions recently.
Do I sound bitter? Perhaps. Truthfully, at this moment I do not harbor any bitter in my heart, only the knowledge that I can fully except where I have failed and now know what has to be done in order for me to move on, free myself and heal. I will always approach the world with compassion and kindness, but this does not mean I must release my personal power in the process.
Chance will never give me what I need in order to move on willingly, ever. He will rationalize his behaviors and lie even to himself until the very end. He will never apologize or even admit any wrong doing, I'm not even sure that he internally struggles with anything that has occurred over the past few months that sit on his shoulders. It may sound like blame, but the facts speak for themselves and I imagine even a totally objective party with no association to Chance or I could see that. Chance will never put his pride down long enough to do the right thing. Chance will never give me what I need to get past this. I will have to take it from him. And I will. Not out of hatred, or ill will or as a means to a power struggle between us. It will be about me finally doing what I should have done a long time ago, taking back my life and protecting the inters ts of my son and I. Forgiveness for Chance and my own poor judgements will come with time.
Until then, I am ready to get serious about what the next steps are in the immediate moment and partly that means do everything possible to completely disassociate myself from him in every way. Financially, spiritually, emotionally and even physically. He still lives in this house in many ways, there are signs of him here, I still feel strange sleeping on his side of the bed and I keep finding little treasures all of the house of his. I'm sure he's not thinking an ounce of Max or I while he's sitting in his high rise condo with the new room-mate watching college girls get in and out of the pool and drinking massive quantities of alcohol. Cheers bachelors!
Chance once told me that our love would transcend any adversity, that we were soul mates, that we would live together in a space that only existed for us. Quite charming huh? Once again, one profound lesson I've learned from this is just how cheap cheap cheap talk can be. I believed in us and for us, the connection (I thought) was fundamentally spiritual.
I have no choice but to completely remove him from any space within me. There is nothing left for him and I can no longer sacrifice energy. I know only I can make that happen.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Strangely....It's Not So Bad!
Ha. Caught the crud, feel lousy. Baby daddy drama. I am broker than broke and looking for ways to supplement my income actively, I owe a ton of money to a ton of different sources and my ex-boyfriend stiffed me on several thousand dollars and got a brand new Harley Davidson out of the deal AND my son's XBox and 3 years of my life.
Sounds like a country song.
But...strangely, it's just not all that bad. And why, might you ask? Cuz, every day things get better. Every day, I am able to see sunshine, feel love from my surroundings and know, eventually something will change again. It's only temporary. It's all only temporary and at some point, it's getting more and more clear to me that I don't have to be afraid any more. That I can be a big girl and that the big bad wolf won't huff and puff and blow my house down and if he does, I can probably deal with it.
Sounds a bit like tempting the fates so I'll leave it at that.
Sure, it's stress full. Sure, I wonder how many years have been taken off of my life due to anxiety and the resulting behaviors and sure....I sure as hell wish this weren't my current state of existence. Let's face it, I haven't exactly had the easiest story book.
But I'm alive, my son whom I adore is doing well, I love my animals, I have a place to live and a car to drive and a job and alto of love in my life. My toolbox is filling up every day, someday I'll be able to share them with someone else.
All that other shit, it passes. With time. And then the next thing will come up and I'll deal with that too.
The reality that Max is growing up is sinking it and guess what kids? I have like, a whole life time still left if I am lucky! Isn't that amazing? I can do whatever I want next, amazing. Shocking really.
So I'm starting to prep and steadily pull myself out of this deep hole of depression and fear and loss. All things I am familiar with.
Next step....don't know, and that's ok too. For today, it's to keep looking for contract work/suitable part time employment. And work and be a mom and do the dumb laundry and be ok with that.
Ha....one side note, I've notice now that I'm not picking up after someone who has zero understanding of the concept of "clean" or how to co-habitate peacefully with others, I don't feel NEARLY as resentful about being a domestic goddess. Amazing how when you aren't being taken advantage of, how you feel less resentful. DUH! Here I was made to feel like I was just being "crazy" and "hysterical" and "over-reacting" and "dramatic" for asking for some pretty simple things. I don't miss any of that. Plus, Max has always been a big helper, so my house stays on the upside of tidy and neat rather than it being a constant battle and for me, that is a good thing because chaos breeds chaos and I need none of that.
Buh bye depression....buh bye guy who made me feel less than good enough and buh bye all the haters from my previous life. Buh bye.
I'm cleaning house!
Sounds like a country song.
But...strangely, it's just not all that bad. And why, might you ask? Cuz, every day things get better. Every day, I am able to see sunshine, feel love from my surroundings and know, eventually something will change again. It's only temporary. It's all only temporary and at some point, it's getting more and more clear to me that I don't have to be afraid any more. That I can be a big girl and that the big bad wolf won't huff and puff and blow my house down and if he does, I can probably deal with it.
Sounds a bit like tempting the fates so I'll leave it at that.
Sure, it's stress full. Sure, I wonder how many years have been taken off of my life due to anxiety and the resulting behaviors and sure....I sure as hell wish this weren't my current state of existence. Let's face it, I haven't exactly had the easiest story book.
But I'm alive, my son whom I adore is doing well, I love my animals, I have a place to live and a car to drive and a job and alto of love in my life. My toolbox is filling up every day, someday I'll be able to share them with someone else.
All that other shit, it passes. With time. And then the next thing will come up and I'll deal with that too.
The reality that Max is growing up is sinking it and guess what kids? I have like, a whole life time still left if I am lucky! Isn't that amazing? I can do whatever I want next, amazing. Shocking really.
So I'm starting to prep and steadily pull myself out of this deep hole of depression and fear and loss. All things I am familiar with.
Next step....don't know, and that's ok too. For today, it's to keep looking for contract work/suitable part time employment. And work and be a mom and do the dumb laundry and be ok with that.
Ha....one side note, I've notice now that I'm not picking up after someone who has zero understanding of the concept of "clean" or how to co-habitate peacefully with others, I don't feel NEARLY as resentful about being a domestic goddess. Amazing how when you aren't being taken advantage of, how you feel less resentful. DUH! Here I was made to feel like I was just being "crazy" and "hysterical" and "over-reacting" and "dramatic" for asking for some pretty simple things. I don't miss any of that. Plus, Max has always been a big helper, so my house stays on the upside of tidy and neat rather than it being a constant battle and for me, that is a good thing because chaos breeds chaos and I need none of that.
Buh bye depression....buh bye guy who made me feel less than good enough and buh bye all the haters from my previous life. Buh bye.
I'm cleaning house!
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Ok....breathing now....
After some discussion, thought and welcomed wisdom...I'm able to put this thing in perspective with Max's dad. Understand that these emotions are strongest when the situation first occurrs, I am then able to breathe a little more and know that Max and I can work through it and life soon will present new challenges to meet, greet and solve. It's just what it is and I'm sure everyone can understand the emotional aspects of this, Max is my only child and we've been through a lot together. I'm not always strong or totally capable and half the time have zero clue about how to mother a teenager, but I'm getting there and I've had alot of support.
Sometimes I get childish about it, I will admit that. I'm still learning how to be a grown up. I know none of this is fair and I know whinning about it doesn't change it, fix it or somehow make it better for Max. I also know that it's ok for me to vent it out and say what I really feel and why I feel it and that's not always easy to do either.
Maybe I'm just having a crappy day. Nothing I say comes out right today and my head is all weird. Actually, I think I'm getting sick. Which isn't totally surprising, everyone (including Max) around me has some kind of stupid crud and it's that time of year...kids go back to school, everyone starts getting sick. Sounds like a waiting room at the height of flu season in my office right now.
Till I can make more sense and formulate thoughts that are coherant...
Sometimes I get childish about it, I will admit that. I'm still learning how to be a grown up. I know none of this is fair and I know whinning about it doesn't change it, fix it or somehow make it better for Max. I also know that it's ok for me to vent it out and say what I really feel and why I feel it and that's not always easy to do either.
Maybe I'm just having a crappy day. Nothing I say comes out right today and my head is all weird. Actually, I think I'm getting sick. Which isn't totally surprising, everyone (including Max) around me has some kind of stupid crud and it's that time of year...kids go back to school, everyone starts getting sick. Sounds like a waiting room at the height of flu season in my office right now.
Till I can make more sense and formulate thoughts that are coherant...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)