Nothing

I'm not in a good mood today, so I'll keep this brief. I really having nothing to report at the moment, nothing positive anyway. Matt's visit with me this last weekend, which was really helpful emotionally and he was supportive as usual, was good and I did appreciate the company of an old friend. Crystal is coming soon, this is something I look forward to and I'm sure as the days draw nearer, I will feel lighter and brighter.

I feel poo poo today though and haven't been able to shake it since Friday. I just can't put my finger on how I've managed to make such a mess out of my life and why is that most every time I feel this way it involves a man in some way or another. Who needs 'em. I know me, I can't exist in this space for very long and the optimist in me will reemerge and become free again, not every day is going to be a good day and that's ok. Still though, these days make it hard to get out of bed, to feel joy, to have any kind of faith in others or even myself.

yuck.

Oh, it did snow yesterday tho. Big fatty flakes, very pretty. Made it easy for me to stay in bed all day.

He Finally Did It.

He finally said it, I knew he would and I'm sure it's not the first time but it's the first time probably so publically and in regards to Iran.

World War III.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/18/washington/18prexy.html?em&ex=1192852800&en=db166eae14f905a9&ei=5087%0A

If the holy honorable ears of my Grame and my Aunties didn't read this blog I'd have some rather choice words for "Mr." Bush.

Damn you, you bleep bleeeppppeeddy bleeeeep!

I just want to shake the living crap out of him. Let us not forget that we still have another year and some months until our next president is inaugurated.

Until then I will silently pray that some how the Dick Cheney's of the world aren't prepping for such an event.

Coldplay - Fix You

I always thought this song was about a fathers love for his daughter, though I don't try to interpert the lyrics of other musicians. I think music is supposed to move us in the way it happens upon us, not nessisarly how it is intended by the musician. That is why art comes to us in so many forms, to help us think and feel and ponder our existance.

Regardless of how it is intended or even my own thoughts on it, I find this song greatfuly comforting during difficult times. It reminds me that I am not alone, that I am whole and complete within myself and that love contributes greatly to what
'fixes' us, not the approval of others or false senses of securities brought on by relationships or money or any of the other external things that won't fullfill those lonely places inside us.

Check out the video if you can, the end is sweet. Coldplay would be high on my list of indie rockers to see live.
**********************************************
Coldplay - Fix You
**********************************************
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...

Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
**********************************************
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBO6_u6Mb6s

Friday = Funday

I am of the opinion that most days should be Fridays. I like Mondays and Tuesdays because that is when a lot of work gets done and I am my most productive. Wednesday and Thursdays are good for wrapping up work, tidying loose and preparing for the weekend. But if I could find a way for most days to be Fridays, I probably would. Except I'd still need to be paid for a full week - now THAT would be a feat in and of itself, wouldn't it?

Today is an exciting day, where a justice of sorts will be served. A day where the price of agony will not go unnoticed by those responsible. Sometimes in life, no matter whether you want to face it or not, you have to take measures to protect yourself. For me, today represents a marker in time, an indicator of growth.

Tonight is laundry, picking up the house and readying the back patio for winter. Winter, by the way, IS on it's way. It's still in the 60's and 70's during the day, but you KNOW it in the morning and after the sun goes down. I can't wait. I found a place to purchase pet-friendly products for the back area to help with the ice. The salts traditionally used get in Kasha's little paws and burn her little pads. She is a fragile little puppy wuppy you know, no matter how vicious her bark is.

Tomorrow morning I have to work in the morning and then grocery shopping. After that, I will spend most of the weekend cooking/watching movies and playing with my doggeh. Max has promised to spend all of Sunday with me, cooking together and watching Hereo's on DVD. I suspect he has something he wants to talk to me about or maybe, he just wants to chill with his mom for a change. Who knows?

Next week is the big court date for child support, we won't have final details from Wyoming until around Nov 1st. Though we know for sure that Max's dad will now be responsible for medical insurance and a percentage of cash support every month, what the value is remains to be see. And, if I see any of is also questionable. Time will tell, either way I feel the forward motion is a positive one.

Till next time kiddies, good night and good luck.
xo,
S

In Honor Of.....

John Lennon
October 9th, 1940 - December 8th, 1980




My personal solo song of his is Instant Karma, the energy of the song is powerful and the lyrics are undeniably true.

I have been criticized for my idealistic perspective on the hippy movement of the 60's and my adoration for people like John Lennon simply because I was not there and did not experience it first hand. As if I'm some kind of poser for having respect for an era. Shame on you criticizers, for without that period in American history in which great social change was beginning to take it's first deep deep breathes, I'd be willing to wager that life would look very differently to my own generation. The simple concepts of peace, loving one another, unity, tolerance....those are NOT flakey theories to have and I wouldn't apologize for believing in them if you asked me to. The argument is that flower children were lazy, tuning out, doing too many drugs, taking things too far. Of course they took it too far, a certain group in every generation and every culture always does, it's part of human nature to visit extremes on all ends. This fact doesn't negate the effects of a time period that to me, signifies a profound ideological shift in the American social structure.

People like John Lennon gave people hope and permission to dream and a creative outlet to explore and release. It saddens my heart that he is gone already, but what he did while he was here was beautiful to me in that iconic way that only people like him achieve. He's not such a bad guy to have your list of conceptual hero's.

Peace :)

A Repeat Of Rwanda In Progress....?

I detest the idea of posting such an ugly article on my blog, however, I have no choice as this seems a familiar story. One which was being reported in the years up to the genocide occurring in Rwanda in 1994, but the world remained silent. My one major criticism of Clinton was his failure to respond to the violence occurring during those years leading up to and during the tribal brutality.

The rape was one of the first methods of torture/intimidation used by the Hutu's used against the Tootsies. Not long after, the genocide began.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/07/world/africa/07congo.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ei=5090&en=f9e3e9a3cd5274f3&ex=1349409600&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss

Certainly, we can't ignore the violence still raging in Darfur even though it's been out of the media limelight for several months now.
http://www.savedarfur.org/pages/background

I don't have the answer for how to stop the mass desecration of life, it is beyond my comprehension. I only know that information is the place to start.

The Simple Life

Life is relatively quiet at the moment and I am thankful for this. Max is wrapping up soccer and other than the standard teen-age testing, he seems relatively stable and happy at the moment. All the animals are healthy getting ready for winter. Pumpkin and Kasha are forever engaging in a battle of wills and territory over who is Mom's 'favorite' which is a loosing battle because I don't have a 'favorite' but I can't seem to articulate this into kitteh/puppeh language.

Speaking of winter, it is definitely on it's way. Typical Colorado falls look like very cool mornings, with warmer afternoons in the 60's and 70's and that's how the rest of the week is supposed to go. Today however, it is very chilly out and cloudy. I expect more and more cloudy and cooler days, which I don't mind. If and/or when I move to another location, I will miss Colorado Spring/Fall so.

I have letters to write, aunties to call and friends coming to visit. I've lost 5 lbs (w/o so much as any effort) and have successfully revisited meditation in the past week on 3 different occasions. That vein in my forehead no longer throbs and pulses to it's own beat, there have been no headaches for over two weeks. I no longer feel bloated with grief and disappointment and am able to begin seeing the svelte, beautiful unique and lovely fruit within blossoming.

I miss that girl, the confident, happy and content person who's outside match her insides. It is possible she may experience another metamorphosis, even grander than the last. Time tells, no?

My dreams are regularly about the one we won't speak of though, actually more than ever these past two weeks. Yesterday morning, after a long night of awkward and strange dreams, I awoke half expecting him to be there, next to me. Except before my eyes opened I silently prayed to my angels that he wouldn't be, that I was free from months and months and months of confusing emotions and difficult mental spaces. Perhaps it is my subconscious finally allowing itself to explore this recent situation more indepthyly, while the conscious Sarah begins to move forward.

Who knows, but this morning I am snuggly in my sweater and have a nice warm cup of white tea ready for drinking.

Happy Monday friends, there is work to be done.

Till next time, love to you all.

xo,
S

Encouraging News!

A court date has been set for Oct 16th 2007 to establish an official child support order! This also means that Sean would be required to provide Max with health insurance. I'm not sure if I can express in words how much it would help for Max's father to contribute financially, it would certainly lighten the weight so I can at least breathe and avoid robbing Peter to pay Paul. At least from now forward he will be required to by law and he won't have a lot of wiggle room around that. Of course, this does then beg the question of visitation, but H and I have discussed this and agreed that we will not even discuss visitation until Sean has submitted his payments on time for 3 consecutive months. Max is not a dollar sign, he his a human being and I don't see it as trading Sean's money for time with his own son. However, Sean has had 13+ years of opportunities and done nothing with them. The idea is that if Sean commits to being responsible enough to pay his child support on time, then he may possibly be capable of committing to visitation with Max.

In other news, I've decided to chose a class for the Spring 2008 semester and begin attending school. 1 class, 1 semester at a time. It feels like it's time and I think I can handle 1 class per semester. Besides, my organization offers tuition reimbursement, I'd be a fool not to take them up on it. It's more than adequate to pay for one class each semester. The next decision....what do I want to be when I grow up? Luckily, I can start with just some core classes, I'll need to meet with an advisor and decide which campus to attend. I may also consider University of Phoenix, I'm hearing good things about the programs and they have a Bachelors of Science - Information Technology/Software Engineering. I am at a cross roads of sorts, I may pursue a completely different outlet other than my current position, I may expand on my current skills which would be the most financially lucrative move, though I'm not sure my heart will be in it for the next 20 years. I've considered advocacy as a potential option, particularly with homeless/battered women and children. Environmental advocacy has also crossed my mind on a number of occasions. Working in a field that provides the opportunity to effect change seems to be the direction my spirit wants to move toward, but the sensible part of me says make the money and volunteer. It's a difficult decision.

Let's see what else....oh my cousin Krista had her 2nd baby. He's SO cute. Two boys now under the age of 2, I thinks he's crazy but she seems determined to have a large family, I can respect that. I often wish I were closer to my families, in the Pacific Northwest I have all this warmth and wisdom and up in them great lakes, I've got this huge extended family. Sometimes I forget that I really do have all this bloodline out there in the world. I miss

Max has homecoming this weekend, there is a lot of himming and haawing over what he'll be doing this weekend as he's made a very firm decision NOT to go to the dance with a 'date.' Apparently his soccer team has opted as a group not to go to the dance and are planning to do stuff together. Girls are not NEARLY as important as hanging out with the guys right now. School, soccer, BMXin's and 'dude' time are pretty much Max's life at the moment. I'll take it, less opportunities for pregnancy that way LOL.

Work is going to be extremely demanding in the coming months, one of our clients is being audited and since I am knowledgeable in all things 'techie' then I must be a whiz at accounting to right? Heh. Wrong. That seems to be assumption however, it's often implied that I am to manage the data of my clients though I am only supposed to build the infrastructure for them to manage their data. Manage your own damn data! I've already spoken with my supervisors about this and made it clear that I will provide the client with an export of the data they've requested and an Access database to create the queries they are looking for, but I WILL not be involved with the actual audit process. I AM NOT AN ACCOUNTANT! Putting my foot down on this one. Cover your ass! CYA all the way baby!

This weekend should be a quiet one, I've got a few small chores and a book to finish. I've was reading "The Fifth Sacred Thing" which I adore and then made the mistake of beginning to read "MiddleSex" on afternoon which is worth reading if you can get through the first 3 - 5 chapters. After that, it's an intense story and has challenged my thought about gender and sex. The concepts described in this book are not new to me, but the detail in which they are described is powerful. Now that I've finished that I can return to "The Fifth Sacred Thing" where I left off. It's supposed to be rainy/snowy (YEP they said a MIX of snow on Saturday!) all weekend so I'm SO about snuggle time with a book and my doggeh.

Animal news: Gaia has finally healed up from her Rocky Mountain Jaguar experience (coyote) but has a nasty scar on her hind quarter. I was beginning to get nervous about infection there for a while, but kitteh's have their own ways of healing themselves and I trusted her in that. Plus, a little antiseptic from Mom never hurt either. Pumpkin NEVER stops mewling, but since Matty's last visit where he carried her down the stairs and made her sit with him, she has decided to become part of the family again and cusses me less if I am holding her. She is very much like an infant, she wants to be held or on my knee or my shoulder or licking my ear. The new thing is for EVERYONE to follow me around, get under foot and fight over who sits with Mom and where and for how long. They truly are like a set of siblings. I usually watch an hour or so of TV at night, after I settle in to do so I am surrounded. Pumpkin on the left of me, purring and shedding all over me and watching Kasha suspiciously for any sudden movements. Kasha on the right, licking my hand, burrowing under the blanket and eyeing Pumpkin in case Pumpkin should get any closer than she already is OR goes to Kasha's water bowl for a drink. This is NOT ok, the cats may NOT drink out of Kasha's water bowl under any circumstances whatsoever.

Gaia just lays at my feet, under the table and sleeps. She really is far to sophisticated for all this nonsense. I feel for her, she's surrounded by total jokers and can barely tolerate us. She does have to keep an eye on us though, and thus has joined the parade. *grin*

I'm off for now, work beckons and my belly is rumbling again. Note to self: Chips and salsa do NOT a good breakfast make. I wanted berries, yogurt and some toast...but no time b/c Max and I both were running out the door late today.....

I KNEW IT! Course, depends on the day I guess...

What dog breed are you? Quiz

Free Fun Quizzes at FunQuizCards.com





My Result Was:
Your dog breed personality is - Bulldog, Alsatian, Labrador, etc. Aggressive, spontaneous and hyperactive.

Updates, Revelations and Joy

My weekend was relatively quiet. Evan and I had a wonderful time Saturday, he's grown so much. Saturday afternoon Matty worked on my car (thanks Matt!) and we had a beer and he called me "old" for which I promptly reminded him that women, like fine wine, only become more intoxicating with age. He was only kidding of course, though I will remember that when the next decade turns over for him. It is not painful, but it is an enlightening experience that YES.....our physical body is not permanent and that life does not wait for our visions or plans to pan out. Sunday was my typical quiet, to myself day while Max went rushing about on his bike and roller blades.

I can report that I've begun to grow back into my own skin and, happily so. I realized that I'd allowed my summer to have damaging effects on my self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Scalding humiliations can do that to a person. Somehow though, the human spirit is a resilient being and for all my faults, I seem to excel in resilience.

My Aunt MB sent me a book, it was a monster size light bulb that went !DING! I'm not sure how to articulate where I am in this moment, but I know it is a shifting space of ebbs and tides, with all this flowing universe around me waiting to be explored and considered. Something inside me is beginning to bloom and even though I'm NOT in the most positive mood today, I can still feel it in there, wiggling around and trying to bust up out of my internal soils and blossom into something bigger than is there today.

The question has become "Now what?" I am in the position of completely reformulating my life, sparking new idea's and new possibilities. I know I'd like to make some changes career wise in the coming years, I'd like to begin working more with meditation and regrouping myself spiritually, and devoting some energies to the changes I'd like to see in the world. Those are strong messages from within, but I'm not even sure where to start.

It will come to me, I'm sure of it.

My High Score: 92!

Ok, for you bowlers out there DO NOT READ this post because you will just laugh at me. But I got a 92 as my high score today! YAY MEE!

Once per quarter my company does something fun with my team, we have potlucks, go bowling, play Family Feud (that is a HOOT!) and occasionally, we just get to leave early on Friday's if our work is done on time.

Today we went bowling, had pizza (they even ordered a veggie for Rhy and I, aw) and whilst there is no libations allowed of any kind because someone always ruins it, we all plenty and plenty of fine.

Hooting, hollering and a whole lot of non-techie speak, which is almost unheard of at my work b/c if we aren't speaking nerd-speak to one another that is related to work, the jokes we make are nerd-speak and sometimes I'm just like COME ON PEOPLE the world does not exist inside a desktop computer and the world of code. Seriously.

Even J whom I rarely even hear a peep from was throwing his gorilla balls (and handed my ass to me, but oh well) and giggle like a little boy. Does much for morale I'd say.

So, out of 3 games I bowled an 86, an 82 and then...a 92! One more frame and I would've broke 100. YAY BOWLING. YAY Tree Fruits!

I'm off to finish up a few quick chores about the house and then, I'm done for the day. Max and I plan to do a little weeding this weekend, watch monkey Bubba and I will spend my standard 2 - 4 hours each day combing the internet for contract job.

YAY BOWLING!

peace

Finally, it happened...

It seemed inevitable, that I was well one my way to becoming the emotionally barren ice queen I've always feared. She's not able to embrace the warmth of life, of living each day. She cannot appreciate the beauty of others or avoid the cynical eye peering down upon the new ones crossing her path. She lost her own light somewhere and put the blame on anything else to deflect it from being her own responsibility to find it again. She hisses secretly with her fellow female cohorts, and took great pleasure in the idea's that she might become the martyr for all of those who've pained and lost and sacrificed and been taken advantage of. And surely, she would never ever love anyone again as an even great measure of self-preservation. Certainly, she wouldn't allow anyone that control over her.

She is someone I fear, someone I've managed to avoid thus far in spite of a number of rather low blows. She terrifies me, living in a space of complete nothingness. Without love or warmth or pleasure or goodness or anything, just nothing. That seems like a bad place.

Then, last night, it finally happened. I cried. Not just cried, I mean I wept and sobbed. For over an hour. I haven't cried more than a few tears in a few months (believe it or not) and something about that felt to me like the life draining right out of me. At first, I thought I'd just cried it all out. Maybe the tears had finally just dried up. Then it seemed maybe it was just a normal phase of grieving and then I started to really worry when it'd been weeks and weeks since anything more than a tiny tear appeared at the corner of my eye. Crying is a release for me, it's a release I've practiced my entire life time and unlike many, I am comfortable doing it openly and up until recently, often. I cry to cleanse, I cry to feel the emotions that build up within my body that I am unable to release any other way and I cry because pain is something I am familiar with, but work with it to give it room to breathe and once it starts to breathe, like all wounds, it begins to heal. I cry because it feels good, I cry when I am overcome with joy and I cry when I hold an infant or hear a moving song live at Red Rocks.

And last night, I cried and cried and let it all wash over me. I cried for the shock I've been in. I cried for the lies, the pain, the disappointment. I cried for the fears, I cried for the memories, I cried for the enormous amount of expended energies. I cried for the tremendous highs and happiness and places of safety. I cried for loosing my path and mistrusting my instincts, I cried for wanting to be loved and being vulnerable. I cried for the mother I am and the mother I wish to be. I cried for the pain of death and birth and rebirth. I cried for the humiliation, the betrayals, the place within me that just aches.

The little girl within shed tears and shook violently and felt small and scared and alone. And that was ok. The big girl within held on tight and simply let her cry until she couldn't any longer. And then, when the tears began to dry...she was exhausted, emotionally spent, ready to sleep (the best nights sleep she's had in weeks) and prepare for another day of being a big girl again. Knowing now that she could do it because finally she'd cried out all of that awfulness, it was all real again, not hidden behind the big walls that started building themselves without her permission. The cancer that was forming wasn't going to just go away by itself, but cleansing it out was a good start.

Amongst the attirbutes I'd like to add to my growing list of "Super Powers" is the ability to elongate and stretch my body like cats do. In yoga, it may be possible to achieve something similar and certainely, stretching in such a manner is satisfying. Based on the the blissfull gratification that cats seem to gain from their stretching, I'm not sure the many ideartions of down-ward dog and cat pose could ever compare. Gaia Cat's look the most graceful, her paws seem to extend far beyond her normal reach and her yawning mouth exposes all those teeth and her eyes roll back in her head, you can almost see her transcending this reality for a breif moment. Gaia also has the ability to hunch her spine up in a most startling manner, much like you'd see in a child coloring book for Halloween. She is the epidome of the "Halloween Black Cat" when she arches up like that. This arching looks extremely enjoyable as it always followed by another round of the paws extended forward/teeth/posessed eyes stretch. Pumpkin is old and mostly, just takes her time doing every thing. Her stretches are mostly on her back and remind me of when she was a smalll kitten. In that moment, Pumpkin is 4 months old and staring at me upside-down, taunting and hoping beyond hope that I will produce string or some other string like object from my person. My personal favorite was to chase her with the feather duster, which put my mother through the roof because it was made of "real ostritch feathers" and that meant nothing to me except that some poor ostritch had lost it's beautiful garment to this silly household item. It made a much better kitten toy and eventually Pumpkin did have her with it and the feather duster was no more.

Those are good memories, chasing Pumpkin with the feather duster and my mother having a coniption over it. I'll need to keep this in mind when Max is tormenting me with such silly things and I find myself getting frustrated, is it not the job of children to get a rise out of their parents? How ever slight and usually without any real purpose but for the simple pleasure of doing so?

This weekend was quiet, I spent the majority of it rebounding from a nasty fluish type thing. My body has never ached so from a virus (thus the stretching mentioned above) and luckily my body finally did say "No More" and the fever totally broke Saturday night. Sunday I slept, read and watched Max buzz around the house. My senses are still quiet sleepy, I feel pretty slow moving and lethargic (like Pumpkin!) and still like no appetite, but I'm up and moving around. The weather today makes me want to be right back at home, sleeping the day away. Cloudy, rainy....I'd better go check on the animals at lunch. Kasha is out back today.....that always make me nervous.

Matty stopped by briefly Saturday night, always a treat to see him. I received a few text messages later that would imply he was having a good night at his bosses house. Sleep eluded me most of the night, my body getting restless I suppose.

Work beckons, I should be moving myself along here.....heard this on the radio this morning and while The Police and I are long standing friends, I couldn't help but laugh at Johnny Rotten's comments about Sting. Love him or hate him, he is a long standing figure in the punk community and that 70's era of punk music thrived off of shock value and insults.

Johhny Behave!

Malaise

mal·aise
Pronunciation: m&-'lAz, ma-, -'lez
Function: noun
Etymology: French malaise, from Old French, from mal- + aise comfort -- more at ease
1 : an indefinite feeling of debility or lack of health often indicative of or accompanying the onset of an illness

As defined by Merriam Webster....

yes, it is a word and yes, it is a real thing. I, however, am giving it no more acknowledgement than a simple technical definition and a double boost of Vitamin C/Echinacea.

Back you evil crud, there is no home for you here! Your kind is not wanted and I am stronger than your silly viral attack!

BACK BEAST, BACK I SAY!

Top 5 Reasons I Am Happy Today

1) I woke up to a pink little tongue happily licking my face (this means it's time to wake up and go to the potty, it's a short window, puppies have small bladders.)

2) Max and I both made it to school/work on time (and I listened to Amy Winehouse all the way to work WOOT WOOT.)

3) Troop withdrawal is actually a public discussion now and not just a theory propagated by 'lefty tree huggers.'

4) My Aunty MB sent me an email that gave me more food for though than I've been able to absorb in a while.

5) All day I've eaten only protein and veggies and though I am eating meat again (fish, some chicken, with NO stringy animal things involved) I feel pretty good about the fact that I am doing it consciously and making the choice to do so because it is what makes sense for my family right now in terms of budgeting.

Ok Weekend....

Weekend was pretty quiet, I mostly felt like crap Fri/Saturday from this sinus infection. M & H came over some Monopoly, which was fun. I miss Matt, I don't see him all that often these days. We all turned in relatively early for us and I was up early this morning.

Mostly I just read all today, watched a few movies and sat for a while in my yard trying to understand what I'm doing with my life and the direction I'm going to take.

It became clear to me that some closure is still needed with Chance and until that happens, I may not be able to fully take the steps necessary to move forward and heal. I do not miss Chance, but I miss the trust I once was able to feel inherently for others that he took with him. I do not miss his endless tirades, concepts that can only survive in a land of fantasy that exists in his mind and the gigantic ego he so eagerly claimed to have released, but somehow I was left to constantly feed. I don't miss being ignored, I don't miss being ridiculed and I definitely don't miss being compared to someone that can never exist. I miss the man I thought he was, the man he was for the first 1.5 years of our relationship, but not the man he became after the facade faded. I do not miss feeling powerless, vulnerable with no hope and unprotected. I do not miss wondering how long it would take for him to touch me again like he loved me, to do something even remotely considerate or show some sign of respect for the life that my credit and my money (and the money of my family) helped him to have. He will always deny it and expect all others to honor all that HE did to help what we started happen, which at first was the bare bones of what he SHOULD be doing. You know, like paying his half of the mortgage/bills (as promised) but that's about it. Certainly nothing above and beyond the very bottom of what he obligated himself to in the beginning. During the last 6 months of our relationship, his "help" as he often put it, became less reliable. In fact, before he even left he owed me a fair amount of money for bounced checks, car issues and a number of little debts here and there.

I can never fault his heart for changing as mine had in January of this last year (but I chose to stick it out) but I can fault him for his poor judgement in financial matters, lack of honesty and maintaining some level of integrity through this process. Yes, I fault him for that because everything he's done goes against everything I've seen him preach to others in his life. Everything I thought we both believed in, living with some sense of integrity, doing the best you can do to the best of your ability. It's so easy to spin a beautiful tale, but actually living it are two different things. This doesn't just apply to others, this applies to myself as well and I know I am also accountable for many poor decisions recently.

Do I sound bitter? Perhaps. Truthfully, at this moment I do not harbor any bitter in my heart, only the knowledge that I can fully except where I have failed and now know what has to be done in order for me to move on, free myself and heal. I will always approach the world with compassion and kindness, but this does not mean I must release my personal power in the process.

Chance will never give me what I need in order to move on willingly, ever. He will rationalize his behaviors and lie even to himself until the very end. He will never apologize or even admit any wrong doing, I'm not even sure that he internally struggles with anything that has occurred over the past few months that sit on his shoulders. It may sound like blame, but the facts speak for themselves and I imagine even a totally objective party with no association to Chance or I could see that. Chance will never put his pride down long enough to do the right thing. Chance will never give me what I need to get past this. I will have to take it from him. And I will. Not out of hatred, or ill will or as a means to a power struggle between us. It will be about me finally doing what I should have done a long time ago, taking back my life and protecting the inters ts of my son and I. Forgiveness for Chance and my own poor judgements will come with time.

Until then, I am ready to get serious about what the next steps are in the immediate moment and partly that means do everything possible to completely disassociate myself from him in every way. Financially, spiritually, emotionally and even physically. He still lives in this house in many ways, there are signs of him here, I still feel strange sleeping on his side of the bed and I keep finding little treasures all of the house of his. I'm sure he's not thinking an ounce of Max or I while he's sitting in his high rise condo with the new room-mate watching college girls get in and out of the pool and drinking massive quantities of alcohol. Cheers bachelors!

Chance once told me that our love would transcend any adversity, that we were soul mates, that we would live together in a space that only existed for us. Quite charming huh? Once again, one profound lesson I've learned from this is just how cheap cheap cheap talk can be. I believed in us and for us, the connection (I thought) was fundamentally spiritual.

I have no choice but to completely remove him from any space within me. There is nothing left for him and I can no longer sacrifice energy. I know only I can make that happen.

Strangely....It's Not So Bad!

Ha. Caught the crud, feel lousy. Baby daddy drama. I am broker than broke and looking for ways to supplement my income actively, I owe a ton of money to a ton of different sources and my ex-boyfriend stiffed me on several thousand dollars and got a brand new Harley Davidson out of the deal AND my son's XBox and 3 years of my life.

Sounds like a country song.

But...strangely, it's just not all that bad. And why, might you ask? Cuz, every day things get better. Every day, I am able to see sunshine, feel love from my surroundings and know, eventually something will change again. It's only temporary. It's all only temporary and at some point, it's getting more and more clear to me that I don't have to be afraid any more. That I can be a big girl and that the big bad wolf won't huff and puff and blow my house down and if he does, I can probably deal with it.

Sounds a bit like tempting the fates so I'll leave it at that.

Sure, it's stress full. Sure, I wonder how many years have been taken off of my life due to anxiety and the resulting behaviors and sure....I sure as hell wish this weren't my current state of existence. Let's face it, I haven't exactly had the easiest story book.

But I'm alive, my son whom I adore is doing well, I love my animals, I have a place to live and a car to drive and a job and alto of love in my life. My toolbox is filling up every day, someday I'll be able to share them with someone else.

All that other shit, it passes. With time. And then the next thing will come up and I'll deal with that too.

The reality that Max is growing up is sinking it and guess what kids? I have like, a whole life time still left if I am lucky! Isn't that amazing? I can do whatever I want next, amazing. Shocking really.

So I'm starting to prep and steadily pull myself out of this deep hole of depression and fear and loss. All things I am familiar with.

Next step....don't know, and that's ok too. For today, it's to keep looking for contract work/suitable part time employment. And work and be a mom and do the dumb laundry and be ok with that.

Ha....one side note, I've notice now that I'm not picking up after someone who has zero understanding of the concept of "clean" or how to co-habitate peacefully with others, I don't feel NEARLY as resentful about being a domestic goddess. Amazing how when you aren't being taken advantage of, how you feel less resentful. DUH! Here I was made to feel like I was just being "crazy" and "hysterical" and "over-reacting" and "dramatic" for asking for some pretty simple things. I don't miss any of that. Plus, Max has always been a big helper, so my house stays on the upside of tidy and neat rather than it being a constant battle and for me, that is a good thing because chaos breeds chaos and I need none of that.

Buh bye depression....buh bye guy who made me feel less than good enough and buh bye all the haters from my previous life. Buh bye.

I'm cleaning house!

Ok....breathing now....

After some discussion, thought and welcomed wisdom...I'm able to put this thing in perspective with Max's dad. Understand that these emotions are strongest when the situation first occurrs, I am then able to breathe a little more and know that Max and I can work through it and life soon will present new challenges to meet, greet and solve. It's just what it is and I'm sure everyone can understand the emotional aspects of this, Max is my only child and we've been through a lot together. I'm not always strong or totally capable and half the time have zero clue about how to mother a teenager, but I'm getting there and I've had alot of support.

Sometimes I get childish about it, I will admit that. I'm still learning how to be a grown up. I know none of this is fair and I know whinning about it doesn't change it, fix it or somehow make it better for Max. I also know that it's ok for me to vent it out and say what I really feel and why I feel it and that's not always easy to do either.

Maybe I'm just having a crappy day. Nothing I say comes out right today and my head is all weird. Actually, I think I'm getting sick. Which isn't totally surprising, everyone (including Max) around me has some kind of stupid crud and it's that time of year...kids go back to school, everyone starts getting sick. Sounds like a waiting room at the height of flu season in my office right now.

Till I can make more sense and formulate thoughts that are coherant...

OH BROTHER!

Max's father called to wish him a happy birthday yesterday evening. Funny thing, he requested a DNA test just to "be sure" that Max is his son, though he's never denied that Max is his child and everyone under the sun can tell that Max his Sean's child. Just look at him for cripes sake. That humiliation aside after Max gets off the phone with Max his mood was visibley changed. Not up or down, just...different. Anxious? He started getting very bouncey, sort of reminded me of when he was small and couldn't control himself physically.

Then the story comes spilling out.

A little background for those of you who don't know Owen. Owen is a child that became involved with Max's side of the family through a series of strange and rather unfortunate events. Max's Aunt S was married to a man much older than herself, this man had a daughter and this man's duaghter was Owen's mother. Max's Aunt S had children with this older man, and eventually their children and Owen were all taken into state custody for neglect and suspected abuse. During this time, the older man passed away and another strange series of events occurred and somehow, all of the kids ended up with Max's grandparents. For about 3 years they had these kids while their parents worked to get their lives together and the stated deemed them fit to care for their own children. During this time, Owen's mother simply dissappeared.

So since, Owen has essentially been passed around the family between Max's Aunt S, the grandparents (he was even left in foster care at one point) have been playing pass the kid for about 15 years now. He's a nice boy mostly, but clearly, he's going to have issues.

Anyway, the last big shift was that Max's grandparents got tired of trying to work with him and essentially stuck him on a bus to Mississippi (by himself at age 13) to live with his mother. The scenario could've had a happy ending, except that Owen's mother is newly remarried and has new children with this man and as I understand it, every bit as nasty as she was when Owen was a baby. I remember and she was NOT a warm or caring woman in any way. In fact, after only one visit I wouldn't allow Max to be around her. Ever.

Moving on. As predidcted, she couldn't handle Owen either and sent him back to CO. This past weekend. Literally, stuck him on a bus to Denver and told the grandparents he was on his way, AFTER they'd put him on the bus. What the hell is wrong with these people?

As it turns out, Max's grandparents can't committ to his care either. Guess where he's living. Just guess.

WITH MAX'S DAD! That's right folks, Sean is 'adopting' Owen and they will live together as 'room-mates.' A 15 year old boy and a 38 year old man who's never been able to care for his own child in any way is now suddenly capable of caring for Owen. Owen who is perpetually in trouble, at school and with the law even. Owen who's been passed around like a hot potato. Owen who had sex already by the time he was 12 and brags about it.

Yeah, I know.

Sean then proceeds to tell Max how much money he's making and how much fun he and Owen are going to have living together. That Sean should have his car fixed, so he can come to CO around the holidays to see Max for the "few short days your mom will let me see you." ugh.

It took every single ounce of energy in my body to restrain myself. I just stared at Max. Finally, I said "Max, your dad plans to support Owen?" and he said "Yeah, isn't it cool. They'll be like brothers or something! Besides, he just got this great new job and will be making tons of money so they should be fine."

I couldn't help it. I mumbled under my breathe:

"Great. Then he can finally send us some freaking money."

I feel terrible about it. You should have seen Max's face, he was a little taken back by it obviously. I generally keep those comments to myself. I was totally out of line, it was one of those came-out-of-my-mouth-before-I-could-think-it-through things. yuck.

Max doesn't get it at all, he seriously doesn't. He really has this thing in his head that Sean shouldn't have to pay child support and his rationale has always been because his dad can't afford it. But he can afford to bring in a wayward kid? How the hell can he take care of Owen? But he can afford to buy new motorcyles and go on vacations to CA for 3 weeks? But he's going to make us PROOVE that Max is his child through DNA sample before he'll even bother to drop a dime on his own son.

A$$hole. Call my son up on his birthday to what? Rub this in his face....somehow get Max to think he is a "cool" guy? WTF? Are you KIDDING ME! Sean sent Max $50 for his bday, as you can imagine Max was excited and that's great. But you know, $50, once or twice a year isn't jack SHIT. Does it make you feel like a good dad to throw your own son a bone once in a while? Yep, freaking dad of the year. That's you Sean. Nice going!

I am so angry about this today (obviously) and let me tell you, this little encounter has gotten Max thinking and I can tell. Since last night, he's been so snippy with me. He's acting out. He doesn't understand why a simple conversation with his dad could cause such tensions. And it's not fair to him, I know...but none of this is fari. I guarantee he's not puting 2 and 2 together yet about this thing with Owen, he's mostly just thinking about how cool it would be to live in WY with them. Like "room-mates" with no school, no responsibility, no accountability. Certainely not some strict mother who makes him go to school every day and checks his homework at night and insists he keep his room at least picked up and makes him take out the garbage and won't just let him rot in front of the TV and talks to him about the hard stuff and takes care of him when he's sick and worries about money and how to meet his every need.

My love for Max and our life together can never be undone. I know that. Max has every right to know his father and have a relationship with him. To find out how who his dad is and make his own decisions. I know that too and embrace and accept it if it was Max wants and I will help him any possible way I can.

But damn you Sean. Damn you for every time you pop up and confuse this boy. Damn you for being so irresponsible, so selfish! Damn you for hurting my baby. Damn you for making me feel so hateful toward you. Damn you.

Busy, but mostly quiet weekend....

We had a great weekend, I got a ton accomplished and was extremely productive most of the weekend. I LOVE IT! Friday night we went for hair cuts and a quick dinner and straight home for rest and then to bed.

Saturday morning Max and I both slept in way later than normal, but we both figured that was because we needed the rest so when we DID finally got up, we walked the dog and got ready to meet Mary & Howard for lunch. Had a lovely lunch a Joe's and Max spent a great deal of time savoring every last morsel of crab from his Big Daddy Crab Feast (yummm!) dinner. We then went and spent Max's birthday money on a new camcorder. More on that when I have time, but it's a pretty nifty gadget and I've been assured that I can use it when he is NOT using which he tells me will be most of the time, so I shouldn't get too excited. Heh. We'll see about that.

After yet more shopping, cleaning and laundry I finally settled in at Kristen's for a bit and we essentially took over the garage from her brother and got close to almost recording a song! It's a start, I keep telling her there's no reason we can't become rock stars in our 30's. Hell, look at Bonnie Rait. Girl didn't even get signed until she was like 41, so HA! Kristen just laughs at me, she wanted me to explain to her how'd she get up in front of a crowd and play? She is a little shy, but there are ways around that sort of thing.

Anyway, the evening didn't go quite according to plan after as some family drama ensued, but it's all good stuff that really needs to get worked out. Sometimes getting things out on the table is hard, but necessary. Though, almost never easy.

Yesterday, I did more laundry and napped and helped Max figure out how to use the software for his camcorder. He's got a cold, poor kiddo, so today he's not so happy that I sent him to school with both a cold AND on his birthday. Gasp! Truly, I am a wretchedly strict mother. I don't know how he stands me!

Dearest Aunties and GramE's, I have many letters to answer and I promise that I will do so this week.

Hope you are all well, off for now. Work and I are at odds, it's just that time of year.

Until next time kids...remember this: I would love to stop eating chocolate, smoking that darn occasional cigarette and never drink wine again, but I'm not quitter. Quitters are loo-hooosers!

:)

Woo Hoot!

Fun Things Coming Up In Chronological Order

• Max's Bday!
  Max is the big 15 on Monday September 10th 2007. Only by the grace of good friends, good family and some damn good luck have we made it this far, but I'm so happy for him. He's really growing into a nice kid and if I am at all lucky, the rumors about boys chillin' out a little at 15-ish are even remotely true, then cheers to a good year all around!
  
  We will be having lunch with Mary & Howard at Joe's Crab Shack per Max's request. He wanted a simple thing this year, ask and ye shall receive (wink MB!)
  
• Finally Getting To Meet S's New Man!
  My loverly girlfriend Ms. Sassy Sandy has a new main squeeze and it's looking good folks, finally I'll get to meet Mr. Man as he lives back east for the time being and comes to visit as much as possible. He'll be moving here in Dec 2007 most likely, but until then, I have to meet Mr. Wonderful so I can give my stamp of approval. Thus far, if ANY one makes her that happy, then I can't help but love him.
  
  Saturday night will be informal cocktails down town.
  
• Visits From My Women!
  
  Oct 5 - 7th - Old high school friend from Colorado Springs is spending the weekend at Kristen's. Woop Woop!
  
  Oct 19 - 21st - Miss Purty Sweet Pea is coming up from NM to spend the whole weekend with lil OLE ME:) YAY ME! I mean, I'm sure she'll be happy to see her mom and stuff too...but YAY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  
  Oct 24 - 28th - My sweet soul sista and her new hubby are coming all the way from Seattle to SEE MEEEEE. Just ME. All Me, All The Time. It's always about me:) We will have Casa Bonita (I will not eat it, but I will have it LOL) and a sleep over and fun times. YAY! It's like old times!
  
  Ok, I guess I'm getting a little full of myself here. Like, I know Crys has reasons for being here that are bitter sweet that don't involve me and I know for sure that P needs to see her Mom's on her visit.....but P and Crys are coming to see ME. It's like my birthday in freaking October!
  
  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOT
  
  
  
  

Labor Day Weekend Blogg

Friday:
After a demanding work day, I rushed home in the hopes of getting Max's first official soccer game, against Golden High School. Unfortunately, they lost, but they did play a good game and it seemed like everyone had a good time doing so.

Max and I had a nice meal after the game and he went rushing off with S to hang out at the skate park. A came over and we chatted, caught up and he decided to take me out for drinks at the Buffallo Rose. For those of you not from Colorado, you know that this place is widely known as THE biker bar in Golden. Not generally my scene, but after getting there it was a pleasant surprise. The entire interior has been remodeled and expanded. The patron genre has expanded as well, so there was a good mix of local yokels, tourists, bikers and so on. We chatted, listened to the band and drank lemon drops until we'd had enough. Then on the way home someone got the bright idea to hike up the south mesa at midnight. It was gorgeous. The moon and the wind were speaking to me on top of that mountain. Let it be noted that I did so in my black flip flops and A only had to help me over one nasty part. Not one single ankle broken or otherwise sprained. Woo hoot. It was slightly awkward, hanging out with him. He is, after all, C's best friend on the planet. I wasn't sure if he'd been sent to spy on me or somehow otherwise be malicious. Mostly, I think he just wanted to take me out for a night 1) to get me out of the house 2) because I think he's been concerned about Max and I and 3) because I think he wanted to be sure we'd keep in touch all things considered. He's a good guy and though I'm not sure how much we really will keep in touch over the long haul, I had a great time with him Friday night. Besides, some interesting factoids were illuminated during the evening that I think slathered yet another layer of glue on an already sealed deal.

Saturday:
Max and I had breakfast and I just sort of lounged about for a bit, then he was off again to the skate park. They went downtown that day, he came home happy (and tired) as a clam. I spent a good chunk of the day feeling a lot of anxiety about not wanting to go to a party I'd been invited to and agreed to attend that night. I just didn't want to go, I don't know why I agreed to go in the first place. There isn't some significant reason why I didn't want to go, other than large groups of people feel way to overwhelming for me right now. Not to mention the fact that this particular group seems to have little in common except for drinking too much and a high rate of dysfunction. I guess I just want to be over all of that....not wanting to surround myself with negativity should hardly be a crime. However, I've been dear friends with one of these people for about 10 years and we've been through alot together. I am sure it has disappointed her greatly and there is a smidgen of a voice inside that is nudging me to feel guilty.

But I just can't do it. I can't feel guilty any more for doing what's right for me. What I learned from this is that next time I should be less committal or just simply say "No." Funny how music can capture so much of one might be feeling in any given moment. This song seems to have done just that for me in recent weeks, I know it's about a romantic relationship....but for me, it is in general how I feel about almost all of my relationships at the moment...not that I must say goodbye or end them; just that I need some space and I have to do what's right for me right now and that really has to be ok, if it can't be then I can't be left with all this guilt over it either.

Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry

Sunday:
Max and I both slept in, had breakfast and went to The Simpson's at matinee. If you haven't seen it, please do. I'd love to compare notes. The first half was hilarious, the second very typical Simpson's fodder and 'family values' for consumption. There is a full frontal of Bart which everyone giggled about, but I think that whole scene was some how tied into censorship issues. Again, if you haven't seen "This Film Not Yet Rated" I highly encourage that as well.

Max ended up babysitting Sunday afternoon, so I took my whole $20 I had left in the 'fun' budget for the weekend and went to a new place that just opened up last week down the street. Terrible, terrible atmosphere and the staff were literally RUDE but somehow I ended up meeting these two women from Seattle (funny heh?) and we spent the next 4 hours drinking awful, nasty cheap beer and doing karaoke. It was a blast. It was more than a blast, I felt about 15 again. We sang "Oh Mickey" by Toni Basil, "I Want Candy" 80's version by Bow Wow Wow and "Like A Virgin" by Madonna. Another friend of mine had invited me to her Labor Day Weekend party but I thought it best I not be out driving around after at least my share of 2 pitchers of the shwag beer. She offered to have someone come get me and then I wasn't sure what was going on with Max, if he was staying where he was or not. So, I cordially declined and walked home from where I was.

Max DID stay where he was and I went home and went to sleep. Only to be awoken by my phone buzzing off the table from the alarm I'd forgotten to turn off the night before.

Monday:
Decided I'd probably better get serious about this looking for part time work thing. Got on Monster, started updating my resume and then got distracted and started surfing the net. Then a Bridgette Jones marathon was on, so I was left with little choice but to snuggle up with Kasha an watch that. Max was (you guessed it) at the skate park most of the day after he got home from baby sitting. I got a sweet text message from the gals I'd met the night before who were on their way out of town. Connecting with these girls was liberating for me, it was a nice break from all the intensity of my relationships lately. If only to serve as a reminder that I have choices, that relationships are intended to be mutually beneficial and that I needn't feeling guilt for moving forward with my own life when others cannot either support that or be tolerant of my own personal growth.

It was a good weekend, mostly quiet and largely uneventful. But most of all, restful and relaxing. Yay Weekends....but they are never ever long enough! Youth is definately wasted on working hard!

Sink Licker!

This is The Gaia Cat:



Notice her luxurious, ebony coat. The piercing green eyes and fetching aura! A true beauty to behold!

For those who are not familiar with the story, I will share the condensed version for a little bit of back ground. Gaia (formerly known as "Princess" -ack ghastly name for such a sophisticated being) was born to a feral group of cats living near the daughter of a friend of mine. She found the little fur ball, all of 2 months old sitting in an oil patch in her apartment driveway area and rescued the little dear immediately. Unfortunately, "Princess" and her current kitty were really not getting along well. Gaia was being bullied terribly, which is difficult to believe. Gaia would only stay in the bathroom, refused to come out and would simply not bond with her new family no matter what was tried.

News of this situation traveled and it was clarified that if a home wasn't found for said good sweet little black fur ball, then she would go to the pound. Unacceptable. Plus, Chance and I had just moved in together and I thought he'd like to have something to call his own at our house and thought he'd enjoy having a new kitten to pour some of that energy into. Besides, when we met with her we immediately fell in love. It's hard not to...all black soft mewling soft fur ball with little pink tongue and huge greens eyes that seem to engulf her entire face....blech, it's almost DISGUSTING how adorable she was.

Thus, the Sink Licker came to live with us. We learned immediately that she prefers to drink out of the faucets from the bathroom sink. Preferably while her human is in the bathroom with her, it is her way of bonding with her humans. She purrs and drinks and is affectionate and makes little chirping sounds. The garden hose is also acceptable, as long as the water is running. Fresh, she was a street cat after all, her instincts tell her that running water is safe water and therefore drinkable. She's also still very leery of newcomers, if you are new to my home, you most likely won't see much of her.

However, if you are NOT a newcomer and you happen to be in the bathroom and made the very poor choice to shut the bathroom door all the way you are going to hear about it. She will scratch at the door. Piss and moan until you (this means me, ok....not Max, not anyone else, it's JUST me that she constantly harangues in the damn bathroom *laugh*) open the door so her majesty may enter. If I am taking a bath, she insists on being in the bathroom while the bath water is running, but then wants out immediately at the very moment I slip into a warm, sudsy bubble bath. Also let it be noted that sleeping in my bedroom with out her will not be tolerated. Even though Kasha and Gaia aren't the best of friends, they both insist on being in my room at lights out. Period. And if not, Gaia will scratch under the door and if ignored, launch into even more pissing and moaning about what a terrible human I am for ignoring her needs.

She won't eat just anything either, if it strikes her as odd in any way at all....nope. But she'll mew her fool head off for some milk, or if she thinks your getting milk...or if you head in the general direction of the kitchen (that's where the milk is you know!) she comes a trotting. We later found out a neighbor (back when she was out gallivanting) was the one who brought in the milk situation because before then, none of us had given her milk. Pasteurized cows milk isn't so good for little kitties tummies. I try to buy her the Cat Milk, but she prefers the cow milk. She may have been a farm cat in a previous life. Actually, I think she was a farm witch in a previous life. Her eyes are haunting and sometimes, I swear she's trying to trip me down the steps.

It is all of these nuances that make her such a divine feline. She is sassy, striking and most definitely sweet.

While stunning, emotive (when milk or cat nip are involved) and charismatic with the ridiculous humans; alas she is a neighborhood brawler. She is a total bruiser or very curious, I've not figured it out yet. In recent adventures, she managed to acquire two concerning wounds on each hip. As if, some large animal, perhaps a DOG (Gaia!) or even a COYOTE (Dammit Gaia!) had attempted to bite down and run off with her. In fact, these two wounds are just that....bite marks of some animal that she got in too deep with.

Silly Sink Licker!

Since this obviously harrowing experience, Gaia has refrained from tomcatting about all night long like some feline foot soldier. She mostly travels the parameters around the house she has established for herself and guards her family. A rather unfortunate outcome of this recent injury is her inability to jump to the sink for drinks. Initially, I spent a great deal of time ensuring her comfort and safety while she healed. I put a blanket on the counter in the upstairs bathroom, made sure she had plenty of milk available at all times and carried her to her food dish for breakfast and dinner each day.

However, in line with my farm-witch theory, it has recently come to my attention that Gaia has trained me to be her personal assistant. The wounds have scabbed over, she's healed for the most part and is adhering to her strictly enforced bathing schedule regularly. Yet, strangely...she still requires my assistance to get her poor old weary bones up to the water dish. And then, oh...woe is poor poor kitty...I have to carry her to her food dish. And then, I have to get her down from her food dish when she's finished her meal.

You might be wondering how long did it take me to figure this out....how times I carried her totally capable butt around while she basked in all the glory of her human doting on her and not that foul obnoxious dog (Gaia's words, not mine)? A few days? A few weeks?

It's been at least 2 weeks.

I realized this morning that I'd gotten so used to doing these things for her, helping her and doting on her....because I like to dote sometimes I'll admit, I LIKE TO LOVE THINGS - I can't help it!. However, I'd gotten so used to doing it for my poor little kitty witty that'd I'd lost sight of the fact that she could do it her damn self and that I surely needn't coddle the poor dear any longer. But yet, she kept right on letting me take care of her and when today, when I made her do it her damn self....she looked at me like I'd just broken her heart right in half. Guilt. Wow. It spans the species like wildfire.

Talk about a total cosmic lesson on a microscopic level.

Dr Phils Test As Stolen From C's Blog

Dr. Phil's Test
==============================================

1. b 4
2. b 4
3. d 7
4. c 2
5. a 6
6 b 4
7. c 4
8. d 4
9. c 4
10.e 6
45

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up ! and help them out.

click here to do your own

A Day Is A Day Is A Day....

Nothing new to report really, just sorting of floating through the days. I generally feel a little out of it, probably b/c of the meds the doc gave me for the migraines. Had another doosey on Tues night/Wed day. It's still lingering, leaving that strange sensitivity to just about everything. I've noticed that things even smell weird for days after the pain starts to dull. If that's not some nuero-transmitted strangeness, I don't know what is.

Caused by stress I am sure. It's been a difficult few days around my house, just settling into new idea's and routines. I am dirt ass poor and there's nothing I can do about it except to get another part time job. I'll have to work another 20 hours a week to really make it worth it and get myself out of this slump. I'm thinking if I can start something in Sept and work through Dec, that should get me pretty caught up and hopefully, back on track. Meanwhile, if I'm lucky...maybe that child support will finally come through.

Freaking guys. You'd wonder where their conscience flew off to? Maybe it's lingering over their heads somewhere waiting to drop on them when they least expect it?

This thing in Greece is so sad isn't it? Alot of people are dying and all that history in harms way, scary to me. I've been keeping an eye on it and hoping it gets better.
http://earthobservatory.nasa.gov/NaturalHazards/shownh.php3?img_id=14469

I watched a documentary on New Orleans last night that was pretty horrifying. All I kept thinking as I heard the statistics about crime, poverty, drug use and lack of housing, employment and health care was...."This is his legacy. Iraq and Katrina. This is our legacy now. What the world will think of my generation and my sons generation." Over and over, all I could think of was how our country has failed and faltered and become somewhere I am more ashamed to live than proud. What really moved me was the number of folks in FEMA trailers are the are a) sick from the formaldehyde in the wall lining, b) unemployed with no health care and c) suicidal. This is how we treat our own refugee's, no wonder torture is deemed acceptable at GNTMO.

This next year will be an interesting one, that's for certain. I'm excited about the potential for changes, but not as optimistic as I'd like. I'm not totally confident in our voting system or the fact that enough people are voting. I can only hope that this year, people will come out in droves to vote. It's a start at least.

Amazing what difference a day can make....

My post from this morning, I realize was prob a little depressing. FYI Monday Mornings are a little depressing usually for me. Since then, I feel pretty great. Max is all on top of his homework, working hard, being organized and taking pride in his work!
It's a start.

Plus, friends who reach out and say hello, I love you. It makes all the difference doesn' it? Even when your not always able to reach back.

Don't worry all, my ups and downs will continue. But on the other end is a shinning happy sunflower fruit:)

Natural Progressions And The Nothing Space Again

The weekend was a mixture of warm and cool reminders of the current state of affairs. Max spent most of the entire weekend doing 'teenager' things that include football games, flirting with cheerleaders, babysitting the nephew and eating pizza at Pietra's with the guys yesterday afternoon. There were really only brief glimpses of him until dinner last night when I was finally able to reel him in long enough to sit down with me and go over the coming week at school.

I spoke at length Friday evening with my GramE, which was helpful for my spirit. She is a great source of inspiration to me. I was able to touch base with a few other friends briefly, but by Saturday morning I found myself in a pretty bad place emotionally and it pretty much took me the rest of the weekend to climb out of it.

Never before these past few months have I felt such a need for solitude, not even the energy to answer phone calls or emails. I just can't some times. I want to be alone, to sleep, to rest, to find myself again.

In reflection this morning, I can see that what I experienced over the weekend is a fairly natural progression in the process of healing. Now that the chaos has begun to subside and life is returning to something like this new kind of normalcy, I've been able to begin the next state in this journey. This weekend, I felt more sadness and more loss. The recognition that while I am supported, loved and highly encouraged by most people in my life, the simple fact is that I find myself facing this world alone again. Everyone that I am close to in my life has a partner, a mother or brother they are close to, etc. They do things together, go to concerts, enjoy life together, support each other in only that way that those people can. This is not to say that I do not have closeness with others and in no way does it discount my relationship with Max, because we are a family and we do work hard together to make that happen. No, that is not what this is about. It is about the realization that I've spent 3 years developing a life with someone else who has disappointed me in every possible sense. It is about the time, energy, love and money I've invested into creating a life with someone that has all been a great facade. It is about the idea that I lost myself so completely in someone else, something I swore I'd never do. Many of my relationships have waned because of my involvement with Chance and I find myself in a situation where those associations are pretty much dead in the water and I do not have the energy to reach out to them or rekindle those friendships. It's coming down to the bare bones fact that I am picking myself up from a place that was lower than when I met Chance, colder, lonelier. Sadder. I am changed, I am hurt, I am older and I am flailing. Not because I am without him, that ship has sailed my friend and it is the healthiest possible result all things considered. That I know for certain. I am flailing because I am drained. I am so emotionally dry and cracked at the moment that I find myself with days where I have zero energy, a giant chip on my shoulder, little or no interest in much of anything and mostly, I'd just rather be alone. The good news is that these days, (the really bad ones) are outweighed more and more by the good ones. So, I'll take solace in that.

But, I'm not totally thrilled with this idea that every few days or so I am digging myself out of this headspace that feels sort of dreamy and not grounded in any sense of the word. It's not just about Chance, it's about this feeling like I don't really know what to do with myself right now. Max is growing up quickly and is home much less, as mentioned before a good majority of the people in my life are out living their own lives and I am so happy for all of them. Certainly my happiness is no one else's responsibility but my own. The being alone part, in the physical sense, that is not so much the difficult part. Again, as I mentioned....it's what I prefer at the moment. Right now, spending time alone feels like the only way I can really heal. I don't have to answer to anyone, put on a happy face or otherwise find a way to entertain others or pretend I'm doing ok when I'm just not. The difficult part is just feeling no sense of direction, everything has shifted again and I suppose it simply draws attention to my total inability to adapt to change. I am resilient, this is probably true. However, history has dictated that changes are usually traumatic for me. And in this case, that was initially true...now, it's just the adaptation, the clean up after the hurricane.

This all seems like a natural progression to me, I don't feel terribly depressed necessarily. Just in that nothing space again. It comes and it goes. Chance often accused me of 'wallowing' in my own sadness, as if I enjoyed it. Interesting to me now that he was often the cause of that sadness, yet I refused to see it or call him out on it when I did see it. Even if I did, he would've never acknowledge his role. What ever it is that I am wallowing in now, it is not sadness for the loss of him, it is the sadness for who I am now and how to get the girl that I, and everyone else, loves back. Getting it back to good so to speak. It is sadness for the loss of an innocent place in me, that loved so openly and so courageously after all I'd been through and to have that betrayed. It is sadness for the feeling deep inside me that questions whether or not I'll ever even be able to love again. It is sadness for the loss of my personal power, my self esteem, my peace of mind. It is sadness for my body and my spirit and my heart. It is sadness for what I've done to myself and not knowing how to redeem it. That part hurts probably the most. The only person I can look to for answers is myself. "Blaming" others is worthless here. Becoming embittered and cynical are all the things I wish to avoid.

With all that is going on in the world, surely I must be able to find a place to put all this energy. To help someone else, to love again, to find purpose again. Max is my purpose and that goes without saying, but mother hood has never been totally what defines me. Especially as he gets older, Max is becoming his own person and I have to find something in the midst of all of this that promotes growth for myself as well.

What that looks like right now, I don't know. I don't know what's with all sudden urgency either, maybe that it's been 2 months and I'm still sort of out of it some times. Feeling surreal. I guess I can't put a time frame on any of it. Something WILL shake me out of this tree, I know that.

I guess until then it is ok for me to snuggle up with my woobie and my dog all day if I want to. It's not the worst thing I could be doing.

Cheers to a brighter day today! Have a good day all....just keep swimming!

To Honor The Green Man....

Burning Man is honoring Green Man this year at festival! Oh I'm so saddnedd, once again I've not made it!

Have fun burners, be safe, drink lots of water and dance dance dance!

http://www.burningman.com/art_of_burningman/bm07_theme.html

Big Man's First Day!

Work and home life currently have my nose to the grindstone, but I wanted to take a quick moment to report that Max's first day of High School seems to have been a success. He's seeing old friends from other schools that feed into this high school, he's getting to take some way cool electives including photography, web design (html) and macromedia/visual arts (which means video production!)

So he's excited both about the electives, but also about soccer and seems to already be into this social studies class head first. It's nice to see him find a class he enjoys. His tutor has helped us devise an extremely organized and functional way to keep track of his assignments, tests and projects. She really has a handle on how to work with kids Max's age, I'm so grateful for her.

Mom is acclimating to the fact that High School is much like the world on a very micro level. You are faced with diversities, adversities and some 'real life' stuff on a daily basis in high school and this time is primarily grooming Max for the adult world and what he chooses for that to look like for him.. It is the beginning of the end of his childhood and while there is a sadness in that, it does seem time. He is ready, alot can happen in a summer. Whole life times can occur in a few months and Max, has definitely achieved some sort of advancement in growth this past summer.

I'm very proud of him and miss him already. He's growing up and my ability to protect him and care for him seem less and less every day. Now I essentially stay on stand by at all times so that when he needs me, I'm there.

Send us lots of positive energies as Max needs all the support he can get from wherever you happen to be. What ever tomorrow brings, I am confident that today is going to be a good one for him.

Big changes for big man and mom too I guess :)

Signature Stories - Punk Rock Persistence

Check this out, it's Mary's sweet babee rocker boy!

Signature Stories - Punk Rock Persistence
http://www.myfoxcolorado.com/myfox/pages/Home/Detail?contentId=4045490&version=1&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=VSTY&pageId=1.1.1

Weekend Recap & The Nothing-Space

The weekend was quite enjoyable, probably the quietest weekend I've had in many months. Friday night Max was off perusing the Carnation Festival with his buddies and probably chasing girls. I played computer games, read and watched Intervention. Finally spoke with my mother briefly after months of silence, I confronted her about not contacting me in over 2 months and she suggested that it simply wasn't fair to expect her to work around my cell phone schedule, which leaves weekends totally open. *shrug*

Saturday morning was spent resting and weeding the flower bed. S came and spend the afternoon w/ me at the Carnation Festival, it was good to catch up. I am so pleased for her, she is so happily in love with Mr. Big T and it overcomes me with joy. What a special lady, it is time for her to be treated as such by a man she loves.

Max babysat Evan monkey Saturday night, first real babysitting gig by himself without parents. Max is amazing with children and animals, it's fun to see him have an interest already in spending time with his little nephew.

Saturday night I watched the second seasons of "Weeds" I would highly recommend it to Crys & D, P & J and M & H. The humor is incredibly absorbing. I also spent the evening texting various folks across the country and feeling a little bored to be honest, but not feeling much energy to do anything about it. Listless might be a good word to describe how I felt that night.

Slept like a sweet little bebee and was up early Sunday pondering the universe and feeling that nothing-space again. It's not a negative place really, it's just...nothing. I feel nothing. In recent months I have been experiencing moments, even days at a time where I seem to feel almost nothing at all. There is no elation, joy, fear, anxiety. I don't feel loving, grateful, happy or sad. Laughter sort of spews out operatically. Painful thoughts cross my mind but I don't really feel one way or the other about that. Getting excited about much of anything seems sort of daunting and my body just doesn't allow it. I suppose this is SOME kind of emotive expression....apathy? I recall feeling something similar to this when I came home from CA. Just sort of plugging through the day, on auto-pilot and generally feeling wasted, Drained. I guess that can be ok place to be, it just doesn't feel very grounded to me and perhaps that is why it feels so foreign. Certainly not because I am the epitome of grounded zen-ness, but more because I am generally emotional and sensitive and feel rather comfortable with that as it's how things have always been for me. Removing the deeply embedded emotional thread leaves a void. Voids are empty. And that's how I felt yesterday, Just sort of empty and walking through empty territory.

My that sounds depressing. When it is expressed in words it definitely sounds that way doesn't it? It might be time to start doing something about this. I keep thinking the energy I need to do so will come back to me and I'll suddenly perk up and bloom like a gloriously enormous sunflower, top heavy and beautiful, strong and yellow. Smiling and happy again. I may need to do some watering, I guess nothing grows without a little nurturing?

Teenagers!

Today I spent the day biting my tongue, getting dirty looks (and giving a few admittedly) and snide, sarcastic comments regarding the following:

a) How I am trying to ruin his social life

b) How totally unfair I am because he has chores, NONE of his friends have nearly as much to do around the house as he does (he takes the garbage out and does his own laundry, BIG WOOP!)

c) How he doesn't really have to answer to me all the time, because it's HIS life

d) How nice it must be to have "money" as he admired all the cars at his high school registration (all students he claims, surrrrrrrrrrre)

e) How much he doesn't really care about school (after I just $450 getting him registered), how it's mostly pretty unimportant and how he thinks all he has to do is get through his first trimester with decent grades and he'll be able to get his license (wha????)

I was informed (not consulted mind you) INFORMED that he'd be spending the night at J & C's and would watch the baby on Saturday for the whole day. I was then INFORMED that he'd be spending the money he makes there to go out Saturday night with Travis & Stephen to the skate park down town. INFORMED...not consulted. Not even a "Hey let me talk to my mom and I'll get back to you." as he's on the phone, nope....just ok, cool. Yep, I'll be there and sure oh yeah...that's fine. Ok...

~ blink ~

In a matter of about one week, my son went from pretty sweet and cool kid to phsyco-hormone-ridden-rotten-teenager-monster-boy! BAD MAX!

I INFORMED him tonight that his attitude was getting him no where except for no bike privelages for the remainder of the week. I INFORMED him that he might want to spend a little more time discussing his plans with me as it is simple common courtesy to talk with your MOTHER about what you would like to do for the weekend before you agree to doing those things. I INFORMED him that it is really to his benefit to come home ON TIME (or call) each and every time and not just come in when he feels like it. I INFORMED him that if I ask him to do some thing simple, like put the dishes away from the dish washer it can be done during the 10+ hours of free time he's had each day for the past week. I INFORMED him that "because I just didn't do it" isn't a good reason for not doing ask he is asked. I guess that's the replacement for "I don't know!" YARGH.

I feel like forming a print of my boot right in his ass. This child is a precious and dear individual, but today...he is being a sh*t and I don't feel bad for saying so. I love you Max, some day you are going to understand that this isn't easy on either of us, but I do the best I can. All the money, friends and homework that goes undone in the world isn't going to change the fact that you are growing up and I know it's not easy to do, hell kid, I STILL fight it some days okay? But you've got the whole world right in front of you, on a plate with a big ole side of french fries and ketchup (your fav) just waiting for YOU! Just grab it and stop fighting it, it's much easier and far more enjoyable than you ever thought possible.

I LOVE YOU!

But could we skip this part please? Seriously, I did enough being a totally far-gone shit-head teenager for both of us, you don't need to go this route. Really, you don't WANT to. It's not worth it! Step AWAY FROM THE ATTITUDE. Put it down carefully, think with your brain crinkles and not your hormones. And for goddess-sake man....take a deep breath. Just breathe. I'm on your side, I am not the enemy.

Eh!

The weekend was ok. Thought I was going to have to put Pumpkin to sleep, she really perked up Friday and we did some more blood work on her. Vet says she probably has some kind of digestional/stomach cancer and gave me some meds that very literally almost brought her right back to normal. It's easy to administer, 2x a day, few drops on her tongue. Vet says she'll have a comfortable quality life for at least several more months if not years. So, after all that trauma of deciding to put her to sleep and then seeing her have such a 'good' day on Friday and then the doc and I deciding this simple medication could make life good for her for a while longer, I decided just to take it one day at a time with her. Friday wasn't an easy day tho. Really, it was all over the place and I'm still not sure I did the right thing. My thoughts were that if all of her other bodily functions are normal and these magic few drops are going to extend her life and her QUALITY of life, then I had no choice.

Sigh.

Kasha puppy decided to get into the ant bait I'd put out b/c of the trail of ants from my next door neighbors house directly into mine and right up to the dog food. I had to induce vomiting, call the vet in a total panic state and baby sit her most of Saturday. I'm sure my vet has seen enough of me for a while.

Whomever says domestic companion animals DECREASE stress should have been at my house this weekend.

Saturday night I let a friend take me out for a few glasses of wine, I had some beers and kicked 3 asses in pool! WOOP WOOP! YEAH ME! I'm not much of a bar fan these days, but getting out of the house seemed a good idea all things considered and who am I to turn down a free glass of wine?

Max went to Kristen's and helped her plant her fall foliage. I came home, slept like a baby. Woke up to discover my phone missing and tore the house apart searching for it. Max found it this morning, deeply embedded in the couch. Stoopid couch. Freaking me out like that. A pathetic state of mind I must live in to freak out like that over my phone...but it DOES have my life in it.

Thank goodness it's there. Decided I'd better back it up again soon so Id don't loose my contacts/pics in the event I should loose it.

Max try's out all this week for soccer. GO MAX!

Tomorrow morning I have to register him for high school. Hold on to yer britches kiddies...big man is on his way to becoming an even BIGGER man. Though between the vet bills and registering Max for school, I'm like CRRRRRRRRAP man. Hope I find out about that contract job soon.

No word on the C front, guess he's just going to blow everything off in typical form. How many opportunities can you give someone before they make it right? I've exhausted that route with him. Actually, I'm just totally exhuasted of him. Done. Over. Though I know better than to say I'd never see or speak to him again, life has a funny way of teaching you that lesson on it's own.

I'm marginally depressed today. Just low energy I suppose. I feel pretty drained these days. I love to beat myself up and tell myself that I just need to get it together and stop whinning...but I have to give myself some space to acknowledge that these past few months have been really hard and I need to give myself some room for that in all realms of my daily existence. So my house isn't perfectly clean, so I still haven't started that diet and so what if I only seem to have the energy to get through the day at this point and don't always even do a good job at that. I am totally non-committal in all ways at this point, with most people...except for all things pertaining to Max, my work, myself and my health....and the basics of getting by each day. Which all of that is a fair amount to consider on a regular basis, but all very manageable and doable and I'm happy for it. That's about all I can do and am not feeling to bad about these days, which is nice. I decided this isn't something you just "get over." There is no-one and nothing that is really going to make this pass or somehow "fix" the pain I feel right now, just time, patience with myself and others, introspection and the ability to forgive.

This summer has been one for the record books, I seem to recall a summer about 5 years ago that was similarly painful. It occurred to me that I must take notice of the cyclical nature of life and know somewhere that with the downward spiral brings and eventual upswing. Things WILL change, always have...always will. Life will even out and I will face more trying days in the future I am certain of that. But, I do have the ability to work in conjunction with the spiritual universe to create a loving and enjoyable life for Max and myself. I am not powerless, I am not destined to live my life in a fully vulnerable state not of my choosing and I'm certainly more able to avoid living my life at the whims and follies of others.

Just keep swimming.

Can anyone tell me...

For me, time begins to fly about Wednesday afternoon. In fact, I begin thinking about my weekend on Wednesday morning on the way too work. Usually accompanied with all of the things that must happy BEFORE Friday afternoon rolls around in order for me to actually appreciate the 2 days a week away from work.

Can someone tell me why at around noon or 1 PM on Wednesday, I blink and it is suddenly Friday afternoon? And then I blink again and it's Monday morning again? AND THEN......Monday and Tuesday dredge on and on?

I'm not sitting here trying to pine away my life, I'm just a fan of weekends more than week days and until I am retired, I imagine that will be the norm for me. I also am in no hurry to move this moment along, it just happens?

I watched a fascinating program on Discovery about how time appears to move faster when we are having 'fun' or stimulated, versus slower when we are less stimulated. It's physically true for each of us...when you think of yourself in your own time/space continuum. Our reality DOES move faster for us when certain chemicals are firing off like endorphins, adrenaline and dopamine. The program was primarily based on the discussion of time, when it is believe to have been initially recorded and how time affects us as social beings. As someone who lives somewhere between each second hand and am always early for everything, it was a fascinating topic.

Oh, look at that...it's 12 Noon. WOOP WOOP...time to start the weekend:)

300

Max begged me to watch 300 last night and I did. Admittedly, the effects and the concept of the heroe's journey ring true throughout the film. Otherwise, the film is the most blatant piece of propaganda I've seen in recent times, maybe ever.

Let's recap, shall we??

Film Premis: Barbaric bad guy threatens patriotic good guy with threats of slavery, loss of liberty and attacks on freedom.

Bad Guys = Brown skinnned Persians.
Good Guys = White skinned Greeks (Europians)

Good guy provokes attack when good guy will not submit to bad guys demands.

Good guy goes on to insight battle with not nearly enough soldiers, inadequate armour (HELLO!) and is slaughtered to death.

Hundreds of thousands of bad guys outnumber good guys, but they are brave good guys and honor their country and thus they will fight to the death, no matter how many they are outnumbered and with undying loyalty to their king whom leads them to battle with no question.

Throughout the battle scenes the brave Spartan soildiers cry out such phrases as "Freedom is not free, it requires great sacrafice. The price is paid in blood!" and "We did what we were trained to do, what we were bred to do, what we were born to do!"
While the King screams: "My children, gather round! No retreat, no surrender; that is Spartan law and by Spartan law we will stand and fight... and die. A new age has begun. An age of freedom!" and "The world will know that free men stood against a tyrant, that few stood against many, and before this battle was over, that even a God-King can bleed."

One Spartan man looses his son during battle and the father goes into a fairly long monologue about how proud he is of his child and how he wished he'd just said I love you one more time and how important his son was to him.

Meanwhile, back at home....the council denies additional resources to help the king fight his battle and the queen is begging for assistance for fear of loosing her own son. She is blackmailed and raped by Theron who then betrays her.

The best part of the entire movie is when the Queen of Sparta guts Theron with a sword and unviels him as the traitor he is to the council and she is left to mourn her loss in peace.

End then...there is NO END. It is implied that the 'good guy' wins. But no one really 'wins.' Everyone is just dead, but Sparta lives on and they all died in the name of honor and sacrifice to their country.

The WORST attempt I've seen at disguising brainwashing in a long long LONG time. And gee, guess who the target audience is for this movie? Ummm, maybe guys between 18 - 34?

On Hiatus

Fear not friends and family, I'll be back...but I am on temporary blogg hiatus due to the following:

a) Full time job
b) Soccer camp through the end of the week
c) DNA testing
d) Contract work bidding
e) Domesticities that desperately now need my attention as my ankle is healing and I'm feeling like a little bouncy bunny rabbit and am eager to get moving agian.
f) Emails to read/send
g) C drama's that best remain quiet for now as I simply do not have the energy...nor am I sure I care to discuss it any longer at this time.
h) Getting my weight works outs in my very slow, but nessisary (I think) walks in each night
i) Part time job searches
j) And........................hrm, I need to read! I am going to the library today, above all things outside of work that and getting Max's forms filled out for school MUST BE DONE TODAY!

So, until my next blogg let me just say this one thing as it is my general response to all things at the moment: