OH BROTHER!

Max's father called to wish him a happy birthday yesterday evening. Funny thing, he requested a DNA test just to "be sure" that Max is his son, though he's never denied that Max is his child and everyone under the sun can tell that Max his Sean's child. Just look at him for cripes sake. That humiliation aside after Max gets off the phone with Max his mood was visibley changed. Not up or down, just...different. Anxious? He started getting very bouncey, sort of reminded me of when he was small and couldn't control himself physically.

Then the story comes spilling out.

A little background for those of you who don't know Owen. Owen is a child that became involved with Max's side of the family through a series of strange and rather unfortunate events. Max's Aunt S was married to a man much older than herself, this man had a daughter and this man's duaghter was Owen's mother. Max's Aunt S had children with this older man, and eventually their children and Owen were all taken into state custody for neglect and suspected abuse. During this time, the older man passed away and another strange series of events occurred and somehow, all of the kids ended up with Max's grandparents. For about 3 years they had these kids while their parents worked to get their lives together and the stated deemed them fit to care for their own children. During this time, Owen's mother simply dissappeared.

So since, Owen has essentially been passed around the family between Max's Aunt S, the grandparents (he was even left in foster care at one point) have been playing pass the kid for about 15 years now. He's a nice boy mostly, but clearly, he's going to have issues.

Anyway, the last big shift was that Max's grandparents got tired of trying to work with him and essentially stuck him on a bus to Mississippi (by himself at age 13) to live with his mother. The scenario could've had a happy ending, except that Owen's mother is newly remarried and has new children with this man and as I understand it, every bit as nasty as she was when Owen was a baby. I remember and she was NOT a warm or caring woman in any way. In fact, after only one visit I wouldn't allow Max to be around her. Ever.

Moving on. As predidcted, she couldn't handle Owen either and sent him back to CO. This past weekend. Literally, stuck him on a bus to Denver and told the grandparents he was on his way, AFTER they'd put him on the bus. What the hell is wrong with these people?

As it turns out, Max's grandparents can't committ to his care either. Guess where he's living. Just guess.

WITH MAX'S DAD! That's right folks, Sean is 'adopting' Owen and they will live together as 'room-mates.' A 15 year old boy and a 38 year old man who's never been able to care for his own child in any way is now suddenly capable of caring for Owen. Owen who is perpetually in trouble, at school and with the law even. Owen who's been passed around like a hot potato. Owen who had sex already by the time he was 12 and brags about it.

Yeah, I know.

Sean then proceeds to tell Max how much money he's making and how much fun he and Owen are going to have living together. That Sean should have his car fixed, so he can come to CO around the holidays to see Max for the "few short days your mom will let me see you." ugh.

It took every single ounce of energy in my body to restrain myself. I just stared at Max. Finally, I said "Max, your dad plans to support Owen?" and he said "Yeah, isn't it cool. They'll be like brothers or something! Besides, he just got this great new job and will be making tons of money so they should be fine."

I couldn't help it. I mumbled under my breathe:

"Great. Then he can finally send us some freaking money."

I feel terrible about it. You should have seen Max's face, he was a little taken back by it obviously. I generally keep those comments to myself. I was totally out of line, it was one of those came-out-of-my-mouth-before-I-could-think-it-through things. yuck.

Max doesn't get it at all, he seriously doesn't. He really has this thing in his head that Sean shouldn't have to pay child support and his rationale has always been because his dad can't afford it. But he can afford to bring in a wayward kid? How the hell can he take care of Owen? But he can afford to buy new motorcyles and go on vacations to CA for 3 weeks? But he's going to make us PROOVE that Max is his child through DNA sample before he'll even bother to drop a dime on his own son.

A$$hole. Call my son up on his birthday to what? Rub this in his face....somehow get Max to think he is a "cool" guy? WTF? Are you KIDDING ME! Sean sent Max $50 for his bday, as you can imagine Max was excited and that's great. But you know, $50, once or twice a year isn't jack SHIT. Does it make you feel like a good dad to throw your own son a bone once in a while? Yep, freaking dad of the year. That's you Sean. Nice going!

I am so angry about this today (obviously) and let me tell you, this little encounter has gotten Max thinking and I can tell. Since last night, he's been so snippy with me. He's acting out. He doesn't understand why a simple conversation with his dad could cause such tensions. And it's not fair to him, I know...but none of this is fari. I guarantee he's not puting 2 and 2 together yet about this thing with Owen, he's mostly just thinking about how cool it would be to live in WY with them. Like "room-mates" with no school, no responsibility, no accountability. Certainely not some strict mother who makes him go to school every day and checks his homework at night and insists he keep his room at least picked up and makes him take out the garbage and won't just let him rot in front of the TV and talks to him about the hard stuff and takes care of him when he's sick and worries about money and how to meet his every need.

My love for Max and our life together can never be undone. I know that. Max has every right to know his father and have a relationship with him. To find out how who his dad is and make his own decisions. I know that too and embrace and accept it if it was Max wants and I will help him any possible way I can.

But damn you Sean. Damn you for every time you pop up and confuse this boy. Damn you for being so irresponsible, so selfish! Damn you for hurting my baby. Damn you for making me feel so hateful toward you. Damn you.

Busy, but mostly quiet weekend....

We had a great weekend, I got a ton accomplished and was extremely productive most of the weekend. I LOVE IT! Friday night we went for hair cuts and a quick dinner and straight home for rest and then to bed.

Saturday morning Max and I both slept in way later than normal, but we both figured that was because we needed the rest so when we DID finally got up, we walked the dog and got ready to meet Mary & Howard for lunch. Had a lovely lunch a Joe's and Max spent a great deal of time savoring every last morsel of crab from his Big Daddy Crab Feast (yummm!) dinner. We then went and spent Max's birthday money on a new camcorder. More on that when I have time, but it's a pretty nifty gadget and I've been assured that I can use it when he is NOT using which he tells me will be most of the time, so I shouldn't get too excited. Heh. We'll see about that.

After yet more shopping, cleaning and laundry I finally settled in at Kristen's for a bit and we essentially took over the garage from her brother and got close to almost recording a song! It's a start, I keep telling her there's no reason we can't become rock stars in our 30's. Hell, look at Bonnie Rait. Girl didn't even get signed until she was like 41, so HA! Kristen just laughs at me, she wanted me to explain to her how'd she get up in front of a crowd and play? She is a little shy, but there are ways around that sort of thing.

Anyway, the evening didn't go quite according to plan after as some family drama ensued, but it's all good stuff that really needs to get worked out. Sometimes getting things out on the table is hard, but necessary. Though, almost never easy.

Yesterday, I did more laundry and napped and helped Max figure out how to use the software for his camcorder. He's got a cold, poor kiddo, so today he's not so happy that I sent him to school with both a cold AND on his birthday. Gasp! Truly, I am a wretchedly strict mother. I don't know how he stands me!

Dearest Aunties and GramE's, I have many letters to answer and I promise that I will do so this week.

Hope you are all well, off for now. Work and I are at odds, it's just that time of year.

Until next time kids...remember this: I would love to stop eating chocolate, smoking that darn occasional cigarette and never drink wine again, but I'm not quitter. Quitters are loo-hooosers!

:)

Woo Hoot!

Fun Things Coming Up In Chronological Order

• Max's Bday!
  Max is the big 15 on Monday September 10th 2007. Only by the grace of good friends, good family and some damn good luck have we made it this far, but I'm so happy for him. He's really growing into a nice kid and if I am at all lucky, the rumors about boys chillin' out a little at 15-ish are even remotely true, then cheers to a good year all around!
  
  We will be having lunch with Mary & Howard at Joe's Crab Shack per Max's request. He wanted a simple thing this year, ask and ye shall receive (wink MB!)
  
• Finally Getting To Meet S's New Man!
  My loverly girlfriend Ms. Sassy Sandy has a new main squeeze and it's looking good folks, finally I'll get to meet Mr. Man as he lives back east for the time being and comes to visit as much as possible. He'll be moving here in Dec 2007 most likely, but until then, I have to meet Mr. Wonderful so I can give my stamp of approval. Thus far, if ANY one makes her that happy, then I can't help but love him.
  
  Saturday night will be informal cocktails down town.
  
• Visits From My Women!
  
  Oct 5 - 7th - Old high school friend from Colorado Springs is spending the weekend at Kristen's. Woop Woop!
  
  Oct 19 - 21st - Miss Purty Sweet Pea is coming up from NM to spend the whole weekend with lil OLE ME:) YAY ME! I mean, I'm sure she'll be happy to see her mom and stuff too...but YAY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  
  Oct 24 - 28th - My sweet soul sista and her new hubby are coming all the way from Seattle to SEE MEEEEE. Just ME. All Me, All The Time. It's always about me:) We will have Casa Bonita (I will not eat it, but I will have it LOL) and a sleep over and fun times. YAY! It's like old times!
  
  Ok, I guess I'm getting a little full of myself here. Like, I know Crys has reasons for being here that are bitter sweet that don't involve me and I know for sure that P needs to see her Mom's on her visit.....but P and Crys are coming to see ME. It's like my birthday in freaking October!
  
  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOT
  
  
  
  

Labor Day Weekend Blogg

Friday:
After a demanding work day, I rushed home in the hopes of getting Max's first official soccer game, against Golden High School. Unfortunately, they lost, but they did play a good game and it seemed like everyone had a good time doing so.

Max and I had a nice meal after the game and he went rushing off with S to hang out at the skate park. A came over and we chatted, caught up and he decided to take me out for drinks at the Buffallo Rose. For those of you not from Colorado, you know that this place is widely known as THE biker bar in Golden. Not generally my scene, but after getting there it was a pleasant surprise. The entire interior has been remodeled and expanded. The patron genre has expanded as well, so there was a good mix of local yokels, tourists, bikers and so on. We chatted, listened to the band and drank lemon drops until we'd had enough. Then on the way home someone got the bright idea to hike up the south mesa at midnight. It was gorgeous. The moon and the wind were speaking to me on top of that mountain. Let it be noted that I did so in my black flip flops and A only had to help me over one nasty part. Not one single ankle broken or otherwise sprained. Woo hoot. It was slightly awkward, hanging out with him. He is, after all, C's best friend on the planet. I wasn't sure if he'd been sent to spy on me or somehow otherwise be malicious. Mostly, I think he just wanted to take me out for a night 1) to get me out of the house 2) because I think he's been concerned about Max and I and 3) because I think he wanted to be sure we'd keep in touch all things considered. He's a good guy and though I'm not sure how much we really will keep in touch over the long haul, I had a great time with him Friday night. Besides, some interesting factoids were illuminated during the evening that I think slathered yet another layer of glue on an already sealed deal.

Saturday:
Max and I had breakfast and I just sort of lounged about for a bit, then he was off again to the skate park. They went downtown that day, he came home happy (and tired) as a clam. I spent a good chunk of the day feeling a lot of anxiety about not wanting to go to a party I'd been invited to and agreed to attend that night. I just didn't want to go, I don't know why I agreed to go in the first place. There isn't some significant reason why I didn't want to go, other than large groups of people feel way to overwhelming for me right now. Not to mention the fact that this particular group seems to have little in common except for drinking too much and a high rate of dysfunction. I guess I just want to be over all of that....not wanting to surround myself with negativity should hardly be a crime. However, I've been dear friends with one of these people for about 10 years and we've been through alot together. I am sure it has disappointed her greatly and there is a smidgen of a voice inside that is nudging me to feel guilty.

But I just can't do it. I can't feel guilty any more for doing what's right for me. What I learned from this is that next time I should be less committal or just simply say "No." Funny how music can capture so much of one might be feeling in any given moment. This song seems to have done just that for me in recent weeks, I know it's about a romantic relationship....but for me, it is in general how I feel about almost all of my relationships at the moment...not that I must say goodbye or end them; just that I need some space and I have to do what's right for me right now and that really has to be ok, if it can't be then I can't be left with all this guilt over it either.

Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry

Sunday:
Max and I both slept in, had breakfast and went to The Simpson's at matinee. If you haven't seen it, please do. I'd love to compare notes. The first half was hilarious, the second very typical Simpson's fodder and 'family values' for consumption. There is a full frontal of Bart which everyone giggled about, but I think that whole scene was some how tied into censorship issues. Again, if you haven't seen "This Film Not Yet Rated" I highly encourage that as well.

Max ended up babysitting Sunday afternoon, so I took my whole $20 I had left in the 'fun' budget for the weekend and went to a new place that just opened up last week down the street. Terrible, terrible atmosphere and the staff were literally RUDE but somehow I ended up meeting these two women from Seattle (funny heh?) and we spent the next 4 hours drinking awful, nasty cheap beer and doing karaoke. It was a blast. It was more than a blast, I felt about 15 again. We sang "Oh Mickey" by Toni Basil, "I Want Candy" 80's version by Bow Wow Wow and "Like A Virgin" by Madonna. Another friend of mine had invited me to her Labor Day Weekend party but I thought it best I not be out driving around after at least my share of 2 pitchers of the shwag beer. She offered to have someone come get me and then I wasn't sure what was going on with Max, if he was staying where he was or not. So, I cordially declined and walked home from where I was.

Max DID stay where he was and I went home and went to sleep. Only to be awoken by my phone buzzing off the table from the alarm I'd forgotten to turn off the night before.

Monday:
Decided I'd probably better get serious about this looking for part time work thing. Got on Monster, started updating my resume and then got distracted and started surfing the net. Then a Bridgette Jones marathon was on, so I was left with little choice but to snuggle up with Kasha an watch that. Max was (you guessed it) at the skate park most of the day after he got home from baby sitting. I got a sweet text message from the gals I'd met the night before who were on their way out of town. Connecting with these girls was liberating for me, it was a nice break from all the intensity of my relationships lately. If only to serve as a reminder that I have choices, that relationships are intended to be mutually beneficial and that I needn't feeling guilt for moving forward with my own life when others cannot either support that or be tolerant of my own personal growth.

It was a good weekend, mostly quiet and largely uneventful. But most of all, restful and relaxing. Yay Weekends....but they are never ever long enough! Youth is definately wasted on working hard!

Sink Licker!

This is The Gaia Cat:



Notice her luxurious, ebony coat. The piercing green eyes and fetching aura! A true beauty to behold!

For those who are not familiar with the story, I will share the condensed version for a little bit of back ground. Gaia (formerly known as "Princess" -ack ghastly name for such a sophisticated being) was born to a feral group of cats living near the daughter of a friend of mine. She found the little fur ball, all of 2 months old sitting in an oil patch in her apartment driveway area and rescued the little dear immediately. Unfortunately, "Princess" and her current kitty were really not getting along well. Gaia was being bullied terribly, which is difficult to believe. Gaia would only stay in the bathroom, refused to come out and would simply not bond with her new family no matter what was tried.

News of this situation traveled and it was clarified that if a home wasn't found for said good sweet little black fur ball, then she would go to the pound. Unacceptable. Plus, Chance and I had just moved in together and I thought he'd like to have something to call his own at our house and thought he'd enjoy having a new kitten to pour some of that energy into. Besides, when we met with her we immediately fell in love. It's hard not to...all black soft mewling soft fur ball with little pink tongue and huge greens eyes that seem to engulf her entire face....blech, it's almost DISGUSTING how adorable she was.

Thus, the Sink Licker came to live with us. We learned immediately that she prefers to drink out of the faucets from the bathroom sink. Preferably while her human is in the bathroom with her, it is her way of bonding with her humans. She purrs and drinks and is affectionate and makes little chirping sounds. The garden hose is also acceptable, as long as the water is running. Fresh, she was a street cat after all, her instincts tell her that running water is safe water and therefore drinkable. She's also still very leery of newcomers, if you are new to my home, you most likely won't see much of her.

However, if you are NOT a newcomer and you happen to be in the bathroom and made the very poor choice to shut the bathroom door all the way you are going to hear about it. She will scratch at the door. Piss and moan until you (this means me, ok....not Max, not anyone else, it's JUST me that she constantly harangues in the damn bathroom *laugh*) open the door so her majesty may enter. If I am taking a bath, she insists on being in the bathroom while the bath water is running, but then wants out immediately at the very moment I slip into a warm, sudsy bubble bath. Also let it be noted that sleeping in my bedroom with out her will not be tolerated. Even though Kasha and Gaia aren't the best of friends, they both insist on being in my room at lights out. Period. And if not, Gaia will scratch under the door and if ignored, launch into even more pissing and moaning about what a terrible human I am for ignoring her needs.

She won't eat just anything either, if it strikes her as odd in any way at all....nope. But she'll mew her fool head off for some milk, or if she thinks your getting milk...or if you head in the general direction of the kitchen (that's where the milk is you know!) she comes a trotting. We later found out a neighbor (back when she was out gallivanting) was the one who brought in the milk situation because before then, none of us had given her milk. Pasteurized cows milk isn't so good for little kitties tummies. I try to buy her the Cat Milk, but she prefers the cow milk. She may have been a farm cat in a previous life. Actually, I think she was a farm witch in a previous life. Her eyes are haunting and sometimes, I swear she's trying to trip me down the steps.

It is all of these nuances that make her such a divine feline. She is sassy, striking and most definitely sweet.

While stunning, emotive (when milk or cat nip are involved) and charismatic with the ridiculous humans; alas she is a neighborhood brawler. She is a total bruiser or very curious, I've not figured it out yet. In recent adventures, she managed to acquire two concerning wounds on each hip. As if, some large animal, perhaps a DOG (Gaia!) or even a COYOTE (Dammit Gaia!) had attempted to bite down and run off with her. In fact, these two wounds are just that....bite marks of some animal that she got in too deep with.

Silly Sink Licker!

Since this obviously harrowing experience, Gaia has refrained from tomcatting about all night long like some feline foot soldier. She mostly travels the parameters around the house she has established for herself and guards her family. A rather unfortunate outcome of this recent injury is her inability to jump to the sink for drinks. Initially, I spent a great deal of time ensuring her comfort and safety while she healed. I put a blanket on the counter in the upstairs bathroom, made sure she had plenty of milk available at all times and carried her to her food dish for breakfast and dinner each day.

However, in line with my farm-witch theory, it has recently come to my attention that Gaia has trained me to be her personal assistant. The wounds have scabbed over, she's healed for the most part and is adhering to her strictly enforced bathing schedule regularly. Yet, strangely...she still requires my assistance to get her poor old weary bones up to the water dish. And then, oh...woe is poor poor kitty...I have to carry her to her food dish. And then, I have to get her down from her food dish when she's finished her meal.

You might be wondering how long did it take me to figure this out....how times I carried her totally capable butt around while she basked in all the glory of her human doting on her and not that foul obnoxious dog (Gaia's words, not mine)? A few days? A few weeks?

It's been at least 2 weeks.

I realized this morning that I'd gotten so used to doing these things for her, helping her and doting on her....because I like to dote sometimes I'll admit, I LIKE TO LOVE THINGS - I can't help it!. However, I'd gotten so used to doing it for my poor little kitty witty that'd I'd lost sight of the fact that she could do it her damn self and that I surely needn't coddle the poor dear any longer. But yet, she kept right on letting me take care of her and when today, when I made her do it her damn self....she looked at me like I'd just broken her heart right in half. Guilt. Wow. It spans the species like wildfire.

Talk about a total cosmic lesson on a microscopic level.

Dr Phils Test As Stolen From C's Blog

Dr. Phil's Test
==============================================

1. b 4
2. b 4
3. d 7
4. c 2
5. a 6
6 b 4
7. c 4
8. d 4
9. c 4
10.e 6
45

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up ! and help them out.

click here to do your own

A Day Is A Day Is A Day....

Nothing new to report really, just sorting of floating through the days. I generally feel a little out of it, probably b/c of the meds the doc gave me for the migraines. Had another doosey on Tues night/Wed day. It's still lingering, leaving that strange sensitivity to just about everything. I've noticed that things even smell weird for days after the pain starts to dull. If that's not some nuero-transmitted strangeness, I don't know what is.

Caused by stress I am sure. It's been a difficult few days around my house, just settling into new idea's and routines. I am dirt ass poor and there's nothing I can do about it except to get another part time job. I'll have to work another 20 hours a week to really make it worth it and get myself out of this slump. I'm thinking if I can start something in Sept and work through Dec, that should get me pretty caught up and hopefully, back on track. Meanwhile, if I'm lucky...maybe that child support will finally come through.

Freaking guys. You'd wonder where their conscience flew off to? Maybe it's lingering over their heads somewhere waiting to drop on them when they least expect it?

This thing in Greece is so sad isn't it? Alot of people are dying and all that history in harms way, scary to me. I've been keeping an eye on it and hoping it gets better.
http://earthobservatory.nasa.gov/NaturalHazards/shownh.php3?img_id=14469

I watched a documentary on New Orleans last night that was pretty horrifying. All I kept thinking as I heard the statistics about crime, poverty, drug use and lack of housing, employment and health care was...."This is his legacy. Iraq and Katrina. This is our legacy now. What the world will think of my generation and my sons generation." Over and over, all I could think of was how our country has failed and faltered and become somewhere I am more ashamed to live than proud. What really moved me was the number of folks in FEMA trailers are the are a) sick from the formaldehyde in the wall lining, b) unemployed with no health care and c) suicidal. This is how we treat our own refugee's, no wonder torture is deemed acceptable at GNTMO.

This next year will be an interesting one, that's for certain. I'm excited about the potential for changes, but not as optimistic as I'd like. I'm not totally confident in our voting system or the fact that enough people are voting. I can only hope that this year, people will come out in droves to vote. It's a start at least.

Amazing what difference a day can make....

My post from this morning, I realize was prob a little depressing. FYI Monday Mornings are a little depressing usually for me. Since then, I feel pretty great. Max is all on top of his homework, working hard, being organized and taking pride in his work!
It's a start.

Plus, friends who reach out and say hello, I love you. It makes all the difference doesn' it? Even when your not always able to reach back.

Don't worry all, my ups and downs will continue. But on the other end is a shinning happy sunflower fruit:)

Natural Progressions And The Nothing Space Again

The weekend was a mixture of warm and cool reminders of the current state of affairs. Max spent most of the entire weekend doing 'teenager' things that include football games, flirting with cheerleaders, babysitting the nephew and eating pizza at Pietra's with the guys yesterday afternoon. There were really only brief glimpses of him until dinner last night when I was finally able to reel him in long enough to sit down with me and go over the coming week at school.

I spoke at length Friday evening with my GramE, which was helpful for my spirit. She is a great source of inspiration to me. I was able to touch base with a few other friends briefly, but by Saturday morning I found myself in a pretty bad place emotionally and it pretty much took me the rest of the weekend to climb out of it.

Never before these past few months have I felt such a need for solitude, not even the energy to answer phone calls or emails. I just can't some times. I want to be alone, to sleep, to rest, to find myself again.

In reflection this morning, I can see that what I experienced over the weekend is a fairly natural progression in the process of healing. Now that the chaos has begun to subside and life is returning to something like this new kind of normalcy, I've been able to begin the next state in this journey. This weekend, I felt more sadness and more loss. The recognition that while I am supported, loved and highly encouraged by most people in my life, the simple fact is that I find myself facing this world alone again. Everyone that I am close to in my life has a partner, a mother or brother they are close to, etc. They do things together, go to concerts, enjoy life together, support each other in only that way that those people can. This is not to say that I do not have closeness with others and in no way does it discount my relationship with Max, because we are a family and we do work hard together to make that happen. No, that is not what this is about. It is about the realization that I've spent 3 years developing a life with someone else who has disappointed me in every possible sense. It is about the time, energy, love and money I've invested into creating a life with someone that has all been a great facade. It is about the idea that I lost myself so completely in someone else, something I swore I'd never do. Many of my relationships have waned because of my involvement with Chance and I find myself in a situation where those associations are pretty much dead in the water and I do not have the energy to reach out to them or rekindle those friendships. It's coming down to the bare bones fact that I am picking myself up from a place that was lower than when I met Chance, colder, lonelier. Sadder. I am changed, I am hurt, I am older and I am flailing. Not because I am without him, that ship has sailed my friend and it is the healthiest possible result all things considered. That I know for certain. I am flailing because I am drained. I am so emotionally dry and cracked at the moment that I find myself with days where I have zero energy, a giant chip on my shoulder, little or no interest in much of anything and mostly, I'd just rather be alone. The good news is that these days, (the really bad ones) are outweighed more and more by the good ones. So, I'll take solace in that.

But, I'm not totally thrilled with this idea that every few days or so I am digging myself out of this headspace that feels sort of dreamy and not grounded in any sense of the word. It's not just about Chance, it's about this feeling like I don't really know what to do with myself right now. Max is growing up quickly and is home much less, as mentioned before a good majority of the people in my life are out living their own lives and I am so happy for all of them. Certainly my happiness is no one else's responsibility but my own. The being alone part, in the physical sense, that is not so much the difficult part. Again, as I mentioned....it's what I prefer at the moment. Right now, spending time alone feels like the only way I can really heal. I don't have to answer to anyone, put on a happy face or otherwise find a way to entertain others or pretend I'm doing ok when I'm just not. The difficult part is just feeling no sense of direction, everything has shifted again and I suppose it simply draws attention to my total inability to adapt to change. I am resilient, this is probably true. However, history has dictated that changes are usually traumatic for me. And in this case, that was initially true...now, it's just the adaptation, the clean up after the hurricane.

This all seems like a natural progression to me, I don't feel terribly depressed necessarily. Just in that nothing space again. It comes and it goes. Chance often accused me of 'wallowing' in my own sadness, as if I enjoyed it. Interesting to me now that he was often the cause of that sadness, yet I refused to see it or call him out on it when I did see it. Even if I did, he would've never acknowledge his role. What ever it is that I am wallowing in now, it is not sadness for the loss of him, it is the sadness for who I am now and how to get the girl that I, and everyone else, loves back. Getting it back to good so to speak. It is sadness for the loss of an innocent place in me, that loved so openly and so courageously after all I'd been through and to have that betrayed. It is sadness for the feeling deep inside me that questions whether or not I'll ever even be able to love again. It is sadness for the loss of my personal power, my self esteem, my peace of mind. It is sadness for my body and my spirit and my heart. It is sadness for what I've done to myself and not knowing how to redeem it. That part hurts probably the most. The only person I can look to for answers is myself. "Blaming" others is worthless here. Becoming embittered and cynical are all the things I wish to avoid.

With all that is going on in the world, surely I must be able to find a place to put all this energy. To help someone else, to love again, to find purpose again. Max is my purpose and that goes without saying, but mother hood has never been totally what defines me. Especially as he gets older, Max is becoming his own person and I have to find something in the midst of all of this that promotes growth for myself as well.

What that looks like right now, I don't know. I don't know what's with all sudden urgency either, maybe that it's been 2 months and I'm still sort of out of it some times. Feeling surreal. I guess I can't put a time frame on any of it. Something WILL shake me out of this tree, I know that.

I guess until then it is ok for me to snuggle up with my woobie and my dog all day if I want to. It's not the worst thing I could be doing.

Cheers to a brighter day today! Have a good day all....just keep swimming!

To Honor The Green Man....

Burning Man is honoring Green Man this year at festival! Oh I'm so saddnedd, once again I've not made it!

Have fun burners, be safe, drink lots of water and dance dance dance!

http://www.burningman.com/art_of_burningman/bm07_theme.html

Big Man's First Day!

Work and home life currently have my nose to the grindstone, but I wanted to take a quick moment to report that Max's first day of High School seems to have been a success. He's seeing old friends from other schools that feed into this high school, he's getting to take some way cool electives including photography, web design (html) and macromedia/visual arts (which means video production!)

So he's excited both about the electives, but also about soccer and seems to already be into this social studies class head first. It's nice to see him find a class he enjoys. His tutor has helped us devise an extremely organized and functional way to keep track of his assignments, tests and projects. She really has a handle on how to work with kids Max's age, I'm so grateful for her.

Mom is acclimating to the fact that High School is much like the world on a very micro level. You are faced with diversities, adversities and some 'real life' stuff on a daily basis in high school and this time is primarily grooming Max for the adult world and what he chooses for that to look like for him.. It is the beginning of the end of his childhood and while there is a sadness in that, it does seem time. He is ready, alot can happen in a summer. Whole life times can occur in a few months and Max, has definitely achieved some sort of advancement in growth this past summer.

I'm very proud of him and miss him already. He's growing up and my ability to protect him and care for him seem less and less every day. Now I essentially stay on stand by at all times so that when he needs me, I'm there.

Send us lots of positive energies as Max needs all the support he can get from wherever you happen to be. What ever tomorrow brings, I am confident that today is going to be a good one for him.

Big changes for big man and mom too I guess :)

Signature Stories - Punk Rock Persistence

Check this out, it's Mary's sweet babee rocker boy!

Signature Stories - Punk Rock Persistence
http://www.myfoxcolorado.com/myfox/pages/Home/Detail?contentId=4045490&version=1&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=VSTY&pageId=1.1.1

Weekend Recap & The Nothing-Space

The weekend was quite enjoyable, probably the quietest weekend I've had in many months. Friday night Max was off perusing the Carnation Festival with his buddies and probably chasing girls. I played computer games, read and watched Intervention. Finally spoke with my mother briefly after months of silence, I confronted her about not contacting me in over 2 months and she suggested that it simply wasn't fair to expect her to work around my cell phone schedule, which leaves weekends totally open. *shrug*

Saturday morning was spent resting and weeding the flower bed. S came and spend the afternoon w/ me at the Carnation Festival, it was good to catch up. I am so pleased for her, she is so happily in love with Mr. Big T and it overcomes me with joy. What a special lady, it is time for her to be treated as such by a man she loves.

Max babysat Evan monkey Saturday night, first real babysitting gig by himself without parents. Max is amazing with children and animals, it's fun to see him have an interest already in spending time with his little nephew.

Saturday night I watched the second seasons of "Weeds" I would highly recommend it to Crys & D, P & J and M & H. The humor is incredibly absorbing. I also spent the evening texting various folks across the country and feeling a little bored to be honest, but not feeling much energy to do anything about it. Listless might be a good word to describe how I felt that night.

Slept like a sweet little bebee and was up early Sunday pondering the universe and feeling that nothing-space again. It's not a negative place really, it's just...nothing. I feel nothing. In recent months I have been experiencing moments, even days at a time where I seem to feel almost nothing at all. There is no elation, joy, fear, anxiety. I don't feel loving, grateful, happy or sad. Laughter sort of spews out operatically. Painful thoughts cross my mind but I don't really feel one way or the other about that. Getting excited about much of anything seems sort of daunting and my body just doesn't allow it. I suppose this is SOME kind of emotive expression....apathy? I recall feeling something similar to this when I came home from CA. Just sort of plugging through the day, on auto-pilot and generally feeling wasted, Drained. I guess that can be ok place to be, it just doesn't feel very grounded to me and perhaps that is why it feels so foreign. Certainly not because I am the epitome of grounded zen-ness, but more because I am generally emotional and sensitive and feel rather comfortable with that as it's how things have always been for me. Removing the deeply embedded emotional thread leaves a void. Voids are empty. And that's how I felt yesterday, Just sort of empty and walking through empty territory.

My that sounds depressing. When it is expressed in words it definitely sounds that way doesn't it? It might be time to start doing something about this. I keep thinking the energy I need to do so will come back to me and I'll suddenly perk up and bloom like a gloriously enormous sunflower, top heavy and beautiful, strong and yellow. Smiling and happy again. I may need to do some watering, I guess nothing grows without a little nurturing?

Teenagers!

Today I spent the day biting my tongue, getting dirty looks (and giving a few admittedly) and snide, sarcastic comments regarding the following:

a) How I am trying to ruin his social life

b) How totally unfair I am because he has chores, NONE of his friends have nearly as much to do around the house as he does (he takes the garbage out and does his own laundry, BIG WOOP!)

c) How he doesn't really have to answer to me all the time, because it's HIS life

d) How nice it must be to have "money" as he admired all the cars at his high school registration (all students he claims, surrrrrrrrrrre)

e) How much he doesn't really care about school (after I just $450 getting him registered), how it's mostly pretty unimportant and how he thinks all he has to do is get through his first trimester with decent grades and he'll be able to get his license (wha????)

I was informed (not consulted mind you) INFORMED that he'd be spending the night at J & C's and would watch the baby on Saturday for the whole day. I was then INFORMED that he'd be spending the money he makes there to go out Saturday night with Travis & Stephen to the skate park down town. INFORMED...not consulted. Not even a "Hey let me talk to my mom and I'll get back to you." as he's on the phone, nope....just ok, cool. Yep, I'll be there and sure oh yeah...that's fine. Ok...

~ blink ~

In a matter of about one week, my son went from pretty sweet and cool kid to phsyco-hormone-ridden-rotten-teenager-monster-boy! BAD MAX!

I INFORMED him tonight that his attitude was getting him no where except for no bike privelages for the remainder of the week. I INFORMED him that he might want to spend a little more time discussing his plans with me as it is simple common courtesy to talk with your MOTHER about what you would like to do for the weekend before you agree to doing those things. I INFORMED him that it is really to his benefit to come home ON TIME (or call) each and every time and not just come in when he feels like it. I INFORMED him that if I ask him to do some thing simple, like put the dishes away from the dish washer it can be done during the 10+ hours of free time he's had each day for the past week. I INFORMED him that "because I just didn't do it" isn't a good reason for not doing ask he is asked. I guess that's the replacement for "I don't know!" YARGH.

I feel like forming a print of my boot right in his ass. This child is a precious and dear individual, but today...he is being a sh*t and I don't feel bad for saying so. I love you Max, some day you are going to understand that this isn't easy on either of us, but I do the best I can. All the money, friends and homework that goes undone in the world isn't going to change the fact that you are growing up and I know it's not easy to do, hell kid, I STILL fight it some days okay? But you've got the whole world right in front of you, on a plate with a big ole side of french fries and ketchup (your fav) just waiting for YOU! Just grab it and stop fighting it, it's much easier and far more enjoyable than you ever thought possible.

I LOVE YOU!

But could we skip this part please? Seriously, I did enough being a totally far-gone shit-head teenager for both of us, you don't need to go this route. Really, you don't WANT to. It's not worth it! Step AWAY FROM THE ATTITUDE. Put it down carefully, think with your brain crinkles and not your hormones. And for goddess-sake man....take a deep breath. Just breathe. I'm on your side, I am not the enemy.

Eh!

The weekend was ok. Thought I was going to have to put Pumpkin to sleep, she really perked up Friday and we did some more blood work on her. Vet says she probably has some kind of digestional/stomach cancer and gave me some meds that very literally almost brought her right back to normal. It's easy to administer, 2x a day, few drops on her tongue. Vet says she'll have a comfortable quality life for at least several more months if not years. So, after all that trauma of deciding to put her to sleep and then seeing her have such a 'good' day on Friday and then the doc and I deciding this simple medication could make life good for her for a while longer, I decided just to take it one day at a time with her. Friday wasn't an easy day tho. Really, it was all over the place and I'm still not sure I did the right thing. My thoughts were that if all of her other bodily functions are normal and these magic few drops are going to extend her life and her QUALITY of life, then I had no choice.

Sigh.

Kasha puppy decided to get into the ant bait I'd put out b/c of the trail of ants from my next door neighbors house directly into mine and right up to the dog food. I had to induce vomiting, call the vet in a total panic state and baby sit her most of Saturday. I'm sure my vet has seen enough of me for a while.

Whomever says domestic companion animals DECREASE stress should have been at my house this weekend.

Saturday night I let a friend take me out for a few glasses of wine, I had some beers and kicked 3 asses in pool! WOOP WOOP! YEAH ME! I'm not much of a bar fan these days, but getting out of the house seemed a good idea all things considered and who am I to turn down a free glass of wine?

Max went to Kristen's and helped her plant her fall foliage. I came home, slept like a baby. Woke up to discover my phone missing and tore the house apart searching for it. Max found it this morning, deeply embedded in the couch. Stoopid couch. Freaking me out like that. A pathetic state of mind I must live in to freak out like that over my phone...but it DOES have my life in it.

Thank goodness it's there. Decided I'd better back it up again soon so Id don't loose my contacts/pics in the event I should loose it.

Max try's out all this week for soccer. GO MAX!

Tomorrow morning I have to register him for high school. Hold on to yer britches kiddies...big man is on his way to becoming an even BIGGER man. Though between the vet bills and registering Max for school, I'm like CRRRRRRRRAP man. Hope I find out about that contract job soon.

No word on the C front, guess he's just going to blow everything off in typical form. How many opportunities can you give someone before they make it right? I've exhausted that route with him. Actually, I'm just totally exhuasted of him. Done. Over. Though I know better than to say I'd never see or speak to him again, life has a funny way of teaching you that lesson on it's own.

I'm marginally depressed today. Just low energy I suppose. I feel pretty drained these days. I love to beat myself up and tell myself that I just need to get it together and stop whinning...but I have to give myself some space to acknowledge that these past few months have been really hard and I need to give myself some room for that in all realms of my daily existence. So my house isn't perfectly clean, so I still haven't started that diet and so what if I only seem to have the energy to get through the day at this point and don't always even do a good job at that. I am totally non-committal in all ways at this point, with most people...except for all things pertaining to Max, my work, myself and my health....and the basics of getting by each day. Which all of that is a fair amount to consider on a regular basis, but all very manageable and doable and I'm happy for it. That's about all I can do and am not feeling to bad about these days, which is nice. I decided this isn't something you just "get over." There is no-one and nothing that is really going to make this pass or somehow "fix" the pain I feel right now, just time, patience with myself and others, introspection and the ability to forgive.

This summer has been one for the record books, I seem to recall a summer about 5 years ago that was similarly painful. It occurred to me that I must take notice of the cyclical nature of life and know somewhere that with the downward spiral brings and eventual upswing. Things WILL change, always have...always will. Life will even out and I will face more trying days in the future I am certain of that. But, I do have the ability to work in conjunction with the spiritual universe to create a loving and enjoyable life for Max and myself. I am not powerless, I am not destined to live my life in a fully vulnerable state not of my choosing and I'm certainly more able to avoid living my life at the whims and follies of others.

Just keep swimming.

Can anyone tell me...

For me, time begins to fly about Wednesday afternoon. In fact, I begin thinking about my weekend on Wednesday morning on the way too work. Usually accompanied with all of the things that must happy BEFORE Friday afternoon rolls around in order for me to actually appreciate the 2 days a week away from work.

Can someone tell me why at around noon or 1 PM on Wednesday, I blink and it is suddenly Friday afternoon? And then I blink again and it's Monday morning again? AND THEN......Monday and Tuesday dredge on and on?

I'm not sitting here trying to pine away my life, I'm just a fan of weekends more than week days and until I am retired, I imagine that will be the norm for me. I also am in no hurry to move this moment along, it just happens?

I watched a fascinating program on Discovery about how time appears to move faster when we are having 'fun' or stimulated, versus slower when we are less stimulated. It's physically true for each of us...when you think of yourself in your own time/space continuum. Our reality DOES move faster for us when certain chemicals are firing off like endorphins, adrenaline and dopamine. The program was primarily based on the discussion of time, when it is believe to have been initially recorded and how time affects us as social beings. As someone who lives somewhere between each second hand and am always early for everything, it was a fascinating topic.

Oh, look at that...it's 12 Noon. WOOP WOOP...time to start the weekend:)

300

Max begged me to watch 300 last night and I did. Admittedly, the effects and the concept of the heroe's journey ring true throughout the film. Otherwise, the film is the most blatant piece of propaganda I've seen in recent times, maybe ever.

Let's recap, shall we??

Film Premis: Barbaric bad guy threatens patriotic good guy with threats of slavery, loss of liberty and attacks on freedom.

Bad Guys = Brown skinnned Persians.
Good Guys = White skinned Greeks (Europians)

Good guy provokes attack when good guy will not submit to bad guys demands.

Good guy goes on to insight battle with not nearly enough soldiers, inadequate armour (HELLO!) and is slaughtered to death.

Hundreds of thousands of bad guys outnumber good guys, but they are brave good guys and honor their country and thus they will fight to the death, no matter how many they are outnumbered and with undying loyalty to their king whom leads them to battle with no question.

Throughout the battle scenes the brave Spartan soildiers cry out such phrases as "Freedom is not free, it requires great sacrafice. The price is paid in blood!" and "We did what we were trained to do, what we were bred to do, what we were born to do!"
While the King screams: "My children, gather round! No retreat, no surrender; that is Spartan law and by Spartan law we will stand and fight... and die. A new age has begun. An age of freedom!" and "The world will know that free men stood against a tyrant, that few stood against many, and before this battle was over, that even a God-King can bleed."

One Spartan man looses his son during battle and the father goes into a fairly long monologue about how proud he is of his child and how he wished he'd just said I love you one more time and how important his son was to him.

Meanwhile, back at home....the council denies additional resources to help the king fight his battle and the queen is begging for assistance for fear of loosing her own son. She is blackmailed and raped by Theron who then betrays her.

The best part of the entire movie is when the Queen of Sparta guts Theron with a sword and unviels him as the traitor he is to the council and she is left to mourn her loss in peace.

End then...there is NO END. It is implied that the 'good guy' wins. But no one really 'wins.' Everyone is just dead, but Sparta lives on and they all died in the name of honor and sacrifice to their country.

The WORST attempt I've seen at disguising brainwashing in a long long LONG time. And gee, guess who the target audience is for this movie? Ummm, maybe guys between 18 - 34?

On Hiatus

Fear not friends and family, I'll be back...but I am on temporary blogg hiatus due to the following:

a) Full time job
b) Soccer camp through the end of the week
c) DNA testing
d) Contract work bidding
e) Domesticities that desperately now need my attention as my ankle is healing and I'm feeling like a little bouncy bunny rabbit and am eager to get moving agian.
f) Emails to read/send
g) C drama's that best remain quiet for now as I simply do not have the energy...nor am I sure I care to discuss it any longer at this time.
h) Getting my weight works outs in my very slow, but nessisary (I think) walks in each night
i) Part time job searches
j) And........................hrm, I need to read! I am going to the library today, above all things outside of work that and getting Max's forms filled out for school MUST BE DONE TODAY!

So, until my next blogg let me just say this one thing as it is my general response to all things at the moment:

"Pain is the weakness leaving your body."

I heard this yesterday, struck a chord and wanted to document it before I forget it. For what ever reason, hearing this lifted the weight from my heart and my spirit. I keep rolling it over in my mind, letting the idea move through me instead of letting myself be consumed with the various area's of pain within my physical and emotional body at the moment.

It feels very empowering, like on the other side of this...I'll be stronger. I will have achieved something, it's not all for nothing or just for the sake of suffering. This period in my life is purposeful, sometimes I loose sight of that.

Indicators

My new favorite word is "indicator." One single word encompasses gauging a situation.

R (a total doll of a co-worker and interesting too, proof that looks, brains and a soul do exist a guy!) took me to Kabob Station today (hmmm) and I spent the entire time feeling hypersensitive to things I hadn't noticed before. He went to get his truck to pick me up and drop me off near the door so I didn't have to walk to much, he listened to what I had to say. He looked me in the eye while communicating and gave me a little squeeze when I got a little frustrated about my ankle and how long it takes me to move around; he brought me crutches today at work and is trying, to no avail - I am CLUMSY these days - to use them. He yelled at me for having cigarettes in my purse, he said he didn't want to have wooop my ass over something so stupid since he's sure I must be smarter than that. He holds the door and offered to carry my purse (ha man purse) while I was trying not fall and split my head open on those crutches, he doesn't bullshit me. He's not trying to be a good-guy, he's not trying to get in my pants or my wallet. He's happily involved with a beautiful young lady and loves her and her son. I see marriage for these two, it's so very sweet. He talks about her like she his princess and swells with pride when even the mention of her name comes up.

Then I got it, this is just how he treats women. The women he likes. He and I get along quite well, much like my relationships with Brian, Matt and Dane through the years...it's very honest and brotherly, but still fun enough to feel like good close friends.

I forgot what it is like to be treated like I am worth something by a man, like I count, like who I am interests him. I forgot what's like to spend time with a man that opens the door for you and doesn't smooth everything over with a thin film of charm. Spending time around someone that isn't trying to so hard to convince me (or themselves) that they are a good person, honorable, genuine, authentic, compassionate....not trying to convince me, just are those things....wow, the clarity!

Yup. Talk about a wake up call.

Then I thought to myself that R treated me sweeter in an hour than I'd been treated by a guy in a very long time and how really sad that is. I thought about the long lunches I used to take with Brian and how we had a similar repoire, just comfortable and he seemed to think I was a pretty special girl. So special in fact that he asked me to help him pick out his then-fiance's engagement ring because it mattered what I thought.

All of these things, actions....the things people DO and not just say, they are indicators. Indicators of who they are, not what they say they are. Why I've never realized this before is beyond me....Howard treats Mary like she is a queen (and she is) without question, the respect they have between them is not like anyhting I've seen. My Grandfather takes care of my GramE and vice versa. Dane really tries to make Crystal happy, he cares about she feels. Matt wants to know that Helen is happy and in love, because it matters to him. Matt CLEANS the bathroom!?!?!? Can you imagine? Dane takes Crystal to the movies and does stuff with her. They hang out - together!

The closest people to me, their actions also say more than any words I've heard from the people that have come and gone through out my life. My best friend and I haven't been able to live more than 15 miles apart since I moved home from CA. My family is supportive and loving and always there, no matter what. Howard said to call him at 3 in the morning if I need to. Sandy is trying to help me find a contract job, Crystal offered to pay for me to come to Mexico for cripes sakes so I wouldn't miss her wedding b/c it was important and I was sad that I was missing it. That's what people who love you do.

Slowly, the realization of what love is becomes clearer. It's not about what you say....it's about what you do. Duh. And from the beginning, when you are first getting to know someone...there are indicators about what type of person they are simply based on these little things.

It's not about judgement. It's about allowing myself to see what is real and not what I want it to be.

Random Meanderings... (OUUUUUUUUUCH)

I talked at length with my Aunt Marcy last night, it was neat. I feel so open with her, my Conlee's sure do rock! Their all so loving, accepting...like what families do right? I was in a mood last night I tell ya, Aunty got to see me in a prime state of mind. But hey, everyone has those days where they cuss too much and are angry at the world. I think it was the combination of the pain pills and one too many cigarettes. I don't smoke any more - remember! Danget, busted.

Anywhoozle...it feels good to get to know my fathers family, I like finding out where I come from and it never hurts to have one more person out in the world to love! I talked to my GramE for a few minutes last night too, I love her voice. It makes me feel good.

I am miserable today though, those freaking pain killers are killing ME! They make me feel worse than they are worth, which really is a bummer because it hurts today. I won't lie, I'm feeling pitiful about it kind of. I'm exhausted by the whole thing...hurting takes a lot out of a girl. It's safe to say I am completely drained at this point. So, I'll be going home soon I think. Going home to look at my Hello Kitty fun things from P and snuggle my Max and water the dog. Yeah, I have to water my dog. She LOVES water. It's hard to deny her.

The motorcycle people are calling me, luckily I know what to say. I'm getting more and more nervous about it....it's unbelievable to me how much a person can deny their irresponsibility and how it's adversely affected others. The strain this situation has put on me, Max and Mary & Howard is so painful. My life has suffered, my relationships are suffering and I end up left feeling like all of this for a guy? Wow. I'll know better next time, that's for sure.

On that note, because I am left with huge furniture payments that were supposed to be paid off in trade for my credit helping him to buy the bike....blah blah blah..(I'm not bitter) blah blah blah...I'm bidding on contract work. I can't under cut myself on this one, but it is non-profit so I have to be as minimal as possible. If it pans out, I should get a little closer to not going bankrupt.

Other news....Max starts soccer camp Monday and he's gigantic. I am going home now to snuggle him and forget about money and work and soccer practice for a few hours and then sleep!!!!

The Nerve Of Man

Max's father is contesting parternity. Meaning, he's making Max PROVE that he is his child (which is Sean's right) before Sean will even proceed with court ordered activity child support activity. Ok, fine...like I get it, probably some one advised him to do so. Fine. Except, Max is like almost 15 years old and Sean has NEVER denied that Max is his son. And, it's only when it comes to dollar signs does Sean suddenly want to get serious about weather this kid is his or not.

The endless nerve that men in my generation seem to have is apalling. There seems to be little, or none at all, sense of accountablility or moral ground for them to say..."Hey, what I does might actually affect someone!" Like his child, or his ex-partner, or even is current wife. I totally give up.

Next Tuesday, at 9 AM...Max and I have to report to DNA testing at Jeffco Social Services. Hrm...how to discuss this with Max. Well first of all, when I spoke w/ my case worker and she informed not only did Max have to swab his mouth I also had to, to prove that I was his mother. I know I shouldn't be insulted...but I WAS. I asked her if she'd ever seen a picture of my son....she said "Yes, I have it right here." I didn't have to say anymore, we both just laughed.

I thought to myself, after all this time that I've been the one changing his perverbial diaper and feeding him and worrying about him...someone is going to question whether I am his mother or not. Screw that junk. I know it's a formality...but HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Back to how to discuss with Max...so I've thought about it for a few days, and I thought the best thing was just to give him the facts and see what he says. He asked, "Why would we have to go get our DNA tested to prove that Sean is my dad?" I gave him some mumbo jumbo about how it's his dad's rigbht to ask and he just wants to be sure before we enter into a child support order....Max interrupted with "He wants to be sure that I am his son?" I said yes and monitored carefully.

If I ever have to see my child's face like that again, I will take care of Sean's attitude problem myself. The heartbreak was obvious and as if I've not had to mend his heart enought b/c of a man who was irresponsible with his heart...here, let me pick it up off the floor for you again.

He asked if I knew why he was doing this. I told him b/c he just wants to be sure. Max said "Because he doesn't want to have to pay to help me if I am not his son?" And I said..."Yes, he's probably trying to get out of paying child support." Max looked at my like puppies do when they are curious.

I held him and told him there was no doubt that he was Sean's son and that it was about time for his dad to start helping out. Max said "Your right Mom, and if Sean doesn't think I am his kid...what about my adam's apple? Or my teeth?" I told him he was right and I was sorry if he was hurting. He denied it, but immiedately wanted to go outside and hang out with his friends. Clearly, he's hurt and pissed.

Honestly, there's a part of me that is glad he's pissed. I hate having to be the one to explain to my child that his dad is a total jerk-weed, but I've been kind long enough. I can no longer protect Max from the facts. And that is that his father is forcing us to go to a DNA testing cetner and verify that Sean is the father of my child, and tha tI am the mother, even though his name is on the birth certificate and he has never ever EVER denied that Max is his son.

Freaking losers. How it is that people like this cannot see outside of themselves enough to realize who else they may be hurting is beyond me. We were all vulnerable once, we were all children once....how does that get lost in people? How do they forget and then loose sight of how their selfish actions might hurt others?

I don't get it.

This is Moose Tracks

Everyone keeps asking what is "Moose Tracks?"

This is Moose Tracks. It is the best ice cream ever, except that stuff I used to get at some family place in Wisconsin by my Mom's old work....

But....this is the best ice cream besides that....except Coldstone is pretty flipping good too, I mean you can't beat that place. Can you tell me ANY ice cream parlor that lets you put ACTUAL PEANUT BUTTER right IN your ice cream? And Butterfingers and all this yummy fruit and waffle cone pieces too mmmmmmmmmm.

Ok, ok, this is the best ice cream you can by at most major grociery chains.
How's that????????????
http://www.moosetracks.com/flavors/detail/14

HA HA! Along with 50 mgs Vicadin for my ankle, I have half a gallon of Moose Tracks too. And some artichoke dip and crackers. Yum. If I didn't know for sure that it is not even possible...I'd think I was pregnant. Nah, just a little disheartened and in pain. That will all be over soon.......lalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

buh bye searing, burning pain in my ankle
buy bye scorching, awful pain in my heart
buy bye annoying, selfish pain in my ass
buh bye buh bye buh bye buh bye

laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

The Iran discussion has been quiet for a while, I think it's wise to keep it open. I love Chomsky, I wonder how does a person become so wise?
http://www.alternet.org/story/58243/

Oh yeah, and Al Gore's kid got busted for weed in his Toyota Prius! HA! Eh, good for him. I think Gore should incorporate the legalization of marijuana into his slide-show. LOL. It's sort of hard to deny the benefits for both the public and the money grubbing government, why not shoot for the moon? I'd also like to mandate that any baby's daddy not currently paying child support be required to immediately report to Iraq so that not even one more child has to.

I Have Been Humbled. Again.

The ankle fairies took it upon themselves to intervene and humble me last night. Unfortunately, it brought a potentially fun evening out with friends to a screeching halt. There is a meat ball now on my ankle, I expect it will get blue and purple and look awfully ugly soon....I'll take a picture and post it to keep as a memory of last night so that Helen, Matt and myself can all laugh about it later and reminisce. ha. ha. HA! Hilarious. It will take a while for this heal, until then I'll be a limping, gimpy tree-fruit!

In addition to my physical body having been humbled, my spiritual and emotional one has been as well. There are people in life that come and go and either cannot, or will not, be authentically who they are. Other times though, there are people who believe in you and support you and they don't need a reason, they just do. Some times, being loved by others isn't easy. It can be hard loving them back. For me, if I respect someone, I feel accountable to them. I feel I must honor and reciprocate the same love that is being shown to me. Some times, that feels really hard for me. Like my heart might break if I screw up so badly that I have been damaged in the eyes of those I love. And then I get angry if someone calls me out on something that makes me uncomfortable. Or if I feel judged. Which usually means I have some internal space that knows so and so is right about what they are saying, that feeling of being judged I mean. Usually, if I feel judged...it is because there are kernels of truth that I don't want to acknowledge.

With time, I am getting it that letting other people love me means having to release my egos and fears about being disliked or abandoned or unloved any longer because of something I may have done or said that I believe to reflect on me poorly in the eyes of my loved ones. I get it that it means I'm not always going to be perfect, and that's ok AND that it's ok for my friends and family to call bullshit if I am acting the fool. That's sort of what people who really care about you do, right? And that doesn't mean they are going to be eternally dissapointed in me, or no longer love me because I'm not perfect. This also doesn't mean they don't have a right to express said concerns to me simply because I have authority issues and am not terribley fond of anyone telling me what to do....and my little 12 year old mind gets to thinking "Well, I'll show them!" or "Screw him, he can't tell me what to do!" The irony is that the drive and determination that exists within me to strive for some thing more than what's been handed to me is an awful lot like that stubborn, imature and naive 12 year old that one minute is begging to be loved and appreciated and the next spitefully casting aside anyone that gets in my way or tells me no.

I am such an emotional train wreck right now. Seriously, I can really see that now. The only way I seem to be able to react emotionally to anything right now is with anger. The other night, I was watching a movie that struck an extremeley sensetive chord and I became angry about that because I simply no longer wanted to feel sorrow. Damn that movie for making me cry! I've cried enough for one life time thank you very much. More and mroe, I am able to see how people become embittered toward the world and emotionally defunct. Being angry, putting armor on to face the world is much more simple than facing the hurt and deep-seeded sadness within a person.

That's not going to be me. I can't let it be. It's too painful, to think that I might spend my life in that space. How would I ever unfold into more than this if I spend my years being closed off to life and experiences simply for the sake of not hurting any more. Or feeling upset because someone said something to me that I know is true, but I don't want to admit it and I just dismiss it because I'd rather not hear it? (I apologize Matt, you are right and I do love you for that.) There are many things that are not fair about this life, there are many things that hurt like hell but you get up every day and face it and if you shut up long enough to really hear what your friends who love you are trying to say....you understand some things maybe you can't by yourself. Or learn something about love instead of thinking you already know it all.

Aunty Guilt, Oh....The Horror!

Aunty MB and I had a fab-u-lous conversation last night, her voice is of an instant comfort and joy to me!

However, I felt so shamed after I hung up for not posting pics of the new kitchen yet that I promised myself I would post some today so I wouldn't have to endure that guilt any longer!

xo - love you Aunty!

Lauryn Hill - Forgive Them Father Lyrics

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us
Although them again we will never, never, never trust

Dem noh know weh dem do, dig out yuh yei while dem sticking like glue,
Fling, skin, grin while dem plotting fah you,
True, Ah Who???

Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do

Beware the false motives of others
Be careful of those who pretend to be brothers
And you never suppose it's those who are closest to you, to you
They say all the right things to gain their position
Then use your kindness as their ammunition
To shoot you down in the name of ambition, they do

Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do

Why every Indian wanna be the chief?
Feed a man 'til he's full and he still want beef
Give me grief, try to tief off my piece
Why for you to increase, I must decrease?
If I treat you kindly does it mean that I'm weak?
You hear me speak and think I won't take it to the streets
I know enough cats that don't turn the other cheek
But I try to keep it civilized like Menelik
And other African czars observing stars with war scars
Get yours in this capitalistic system
So many caught or got bought you can't list them
How you gonna idolize the missing?
To survive is to stay alive in the face of opposition
Even when they comin' gunnin'
I stand position
L's known the mission since conception
Let's free the people from deception
If you looking for the answers
Then you gotta ask the questions
And when I let go, my voice echoes through the ghetto
Sick of men trying to pull strings like Geppetto
Why black people always be the ones to settle
March through these streets like Soweto

Like Cain and Abel, Caesar and Brutus, Jesus and Judas,
Backstabbers do this

Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do

It took me a little while to discover
Wolves in sheep coats who pretend to be lovers
Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves, to themselves
A friend once said, and I found to be true
That everyday people, they lie to God too
So what makes you think, that they won't lie to you

Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them, forgive them
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them, forgive them

Gwan like dem love while dem rip yuh to shreds,
Trample pon yuh heart and lef yuh fi dead,
Dem a yuh fren who yuh depen pon from way back when,
But if yuh gi dem yuh back den yuh mus meet yuh end,
Dem noh know wey dem do,
Dem no know, dem no know, dem no know,
Dem no know, dem no know wey dem do

Don't Shake Ya Tailfeather At Work!

So, I'm all busting a move in my cube just now....bobbing my head and boogying down in my office chair. Just generally having a helluva good time all by my bad self with my code and my new play list and then it happened. My general manager came to ask for my signature on something and I was all busting out Mango Style! AND, I have a tank top on today b/c it's beyond warm in my freaking office and there were tattoos and cleavage and everything. DOH! Tank tops are explicitly listed on the dress code as 'unacceptable' I had a cutie little shirt over it when I came in today, but I thought...what's the harm if I take it off while I'm sitting at my desk?

He just smiled and laughed, turned and walked out. I instantly became red and as you all know, an embarrassed Mango is a very very red Mango. I don't hide that very well unfortunately, with the translucent skin and all. Great. He either laughed b/c I was doing the cube boogey or b/c he enjoyed the view...I'm not sure, either way...a smile is way better than a smirk. He's got a great sense of humor, but still...he will now think of me as the freak that sits in her cube and dances by herself. That'll teach me to have fun at work. Good think he didn't notice the open toed sandals and poor ergonomic placement of my keyboard.

I love Norah Jones. The sound of her voice is both soothing and sultry. To me, she is epitome of both a gorgeous classic voice and a gorgeously classic woman. Her lyrics are magic to me and I find myself lulled by her lyrics.

For the past month, until today, those songs just filled me with sadness because the majority of her music is about the joys and the burdens of love. Then, on the way home from my lunch date with Max, I had an epiphany. When I hear music that is love laden and sentimental, instead feeling this sadness over a guy that could not appreciate what he had while he was with me, I will think of the guy that will and can. It's sort of fun, visualizing this fabled person, as if he could possibly exist because my standards now seem impossibly high. It's still fun though, capable, loving, self-less, giving, honorable, truly independent and carefully intentional. Certainly this person exists somewhere and if not, that's ok too...until I happen upon that person, if I ever do, I'll gladly sing my heart out with Norah in my car and cry no more.

"Kindness" by Naomi Shihab Nye

Poem:* "Kindness" by Naomi Shihab Nye, from /The Words Under the Words:
Selected Poems/. © Eighth Mountain Press, 1995. Reprinted with permission.

*Kindness*

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

Weekend Review

Max is home, we are happy about that! He's got a touch of the hanging out w/ the grandparents too long syndrome so he thinks he doesn't have to do chores or listen to his Momma...that'll pass after the 18th time I remind him that he's home. I am just so happy to see him, his voice sounds different?

Gaia has managed to get herself into a fight and has a nasty wound on her right hind-leg and a strange lump on her right rear huanch. Was about this time last year she did the same. Garh, her timing is perfect. I'll have to see how this goes the next few days, Gaia isn't a totally domesticated cat in many ways. She may be able to get through this on her own, we'll see. She certainely seems willing to let me care for her though, so she might need a little human intervention to get that cleaned up and healed.

I'm going to be slammed at work this week, I'll check in soon.

Aunty MB: Sorry I didn't get back with you yesterday and I missed your call later, I was asleep. When it's this hot, going to sleep is a great option though it's hard to get there. Anywhoozle, I love you and will talk to you soon.

xo all,
S

Joy increases as you give it, and diminishes as you try
to keep it for yourself. In giving it, you will accumulate
a deposit of joy greater than you ever believed possible.
--Norman Vincent Peale

The Magic Of The Internet Playlist

Ha, This Is What I Am Talking About....

This made me laugh so hard this morning, here I've been thinking of the steps I will take to avoid becoming the overly-zealous-bitter-man-hater type...and I came across this and laughed and laughed....why? Because it's FUNNY!

Who says you can't find humor in rotten situations? That poor sand castle *shakes head*

Cheers To Quiet Saturday Evenings!

I finished reading Waltzing The Cat by Pam Houston. Outstanding book, empowering and hopeful. The metaphorical content in this book is interesting, I plan to read it again and take notes, plus I love the author's method of communicating from Lucy's (main carachter) perspective.

Max and I watched SherryBaby together, well told story of a woman with a complex history who wants to make it right with her family. Melancholy certainly, but it felt authentic. Maggie G did a fantastic job acting this part, I'm actually quiet shocked to be honest. She really made it work, these are the roles I would totally go after if I was an actress. Of course, I'd have to loose about 100 lbs and get a boob lift. I watched another movie with an extremely tiny Christina Ricci, too skinny. I'm going whoa, it's getting worse. The waif actress syndrome, here I thought it was getting better. Christina Ricci has always been petite, but well proportioned. She looked like death warmed over in this part, it's hard for me to believe how thin these woman must really be b/c the camera warps the body anyway. Such a bunch of bullshit, NO ONE LOOKS LIKE THAT! Some people are born naturally thin, most aren't. Most of us have hips, bellies, thighs and hips. And in my case, lots of junk in the trunk! Booties are sexy if you ask me, these girls have no booties...just skinny little tiny bodies that look more like 14 year old boys then a full grown woman. Our culture is so twisted.

Anyway, the book was great and I'd recommend it to anyone and the movie also for sure.

'night

Avoiding the cycnism

I have found myself with many intensely cycnial thoughts recently. How will I ever trust again? Will I ever trust again? How will I ever believe a word that comes out of any mans mouth? What within me has changed so deeply that I generally find myself feeling literal disgust toward men. The extent to which I feel betrayed, horrified, dishonored and lied to at this point is overwhelming. Surely, I must still be in shock. This sense of disbelief continues to wash over me in huge waves. He wouldn't do this to me, I never thought he would be 'that' guy. I made my mistakes, plenty. We both have, it's true. Often, I find myself shaking my head with wonder. In retrospect, it is all so clear and when those images come in my mind, the history, the memories, what I thought was someone who thought I was special...the tears well up and that tightness in my chest begins to widdle away at my breathe and I find myself trying to understand how people can treat each other so cruely.

My foremost concern at this poing is that I feel so hopeless about my future in terms of relationships with anyone, not just possibley romantic ones. At this point, I cannot even fathom dating and that is to be expected considering the current situation. What worries me more than that is that I feel this fundamentl shift at the core of who I am, what little remaining innocence that existed in me feels betrayed. That place that always believed that we all are good in our hearts and when given the chance, we will do the right thing. I will miss that ignorant bliss, because as I see it now, I'm not sure it can be reclaimed. I feel anxious about the idea that I may spend the rest of my life eyeballing others closely before I feel I can trust them in any way. This feels undescribabley sad to me, it makes my heart ache.

Time is imperative in healing this, that is painfully obvious. Certainely I must spend some time agonizing, I wouldn't be human if I didn't cry tears over this. Somewhere in my heart, I keep thinking I might just speed through the process some how and emerge shiny and new. It can't happen like that, as unfair as that some how seems to me. My friends and family might be thinking that compared to what I've been through already in this life, this is merely a road block. That may be true, but I don't feel as resilliant as I once was. With the experiences I've had in my youth, one might think I would be totally untrusting by nature. I've been cautious, that' for certain....but I can easily say that what I feel right now is bleeding every ounce of energy and concepts of trust out of my very being. I feel consumed, eaten alive.

The main challenge I forsee is avoiding becoming a completely cynical and mistrusting indivdiaul with a jaded view of the world and the people in it. And learning how to protect myself and love again at the same time.

sigh.

Finally Friday Came...

This day finally came and let me tell you, it's none to soon! This week has been horrid, horrid, horrid. I've had bad weeks, I mean....bad bad BAD weeks. But this week the pummeling came down on me with all the fury of Zeus himself. The only reason I am in a half way decent mood at all today is b/c Max will be home in 4 hours and Crystal & Dane have agreed to loan me money to buy groceries so that Max will have a normal house to come home too, or at least the appearance of such. I can't wait to see him. I'm going to make him his favorite (burritos) and hear all about his trip. I am then going to snuggle him and let him hug me back b/c I need a good hug from my baby. Then we will sleep and have the air conditioning on all weekend b/c it's going to be like a bazillion degrees this weekend.

And pray. I'll be doing a lot of praying.

Crystal & Dane, thank you so much for all of your help. I know Mary & Howard are so thankful that I have such a great support system. Paula, Kristen, my Aunties....you guys, everyone has been really really great in helping me to not feel so freaked out and alone in this. The bills will get paid, my heart will heal and Max will have burritos for dinner.

love to you all!

Thanks to my Aunt Marcy too for the check she sent, it was the perfect amount to put gas in my car, feed me dinner for 2 nights and pay for Max's unacompanied minor fee! YOU ROCK!

It's A Real Thing!

My body is doing weird things from the stress, besides the normal distraction, inability to sleep or too much sleep, general nervousness and some pretty near full on panic attacks......my throat keeps acting like it's going to close up on me and hurts and it's really got to be the strangest things ever.

I, hereby solemnly vow, from this point on too diligently work to keep myself out of harms way in all manners, shapes and sizes. This includes poor choices in jobs, men, financial decisions and food/drink. KISS baby, all the way for me. Keep It Simple Stupid! The extent of stress in my life recently is totally avoidable and that starts with me, so whoooppppeeeee I am officially on the No Drama Train and that will be boarding as soon as I can possibly catch up to it.

TOOT TOOT

No, no no more....Drama...CHUG CHUGGGA CHUGAAA CHOOO CHOOO

Song of the day: Mary J Blige - No More Drama

Word sister!

Max Comes Home Tomorrow!

I can't wait, I miss him soooo much! I am ready for some normalcy again, some thing that feels less like chaos and more like comfort. I can't wait to hear all of Max's new stories and things he'll want to share with me, it's exciting. Plus, I know Kasha and Pumpkin will be happy to see him also.

Not much else to say, things are the same as yesterday...but today I woke up breathing, the sun came up and I didn't cry all morning, so that's a good start. I'm more than ready for a little stability in all regards. Looking for some extra work, I have to do something. Considering Starbucks on the weekends.

Mostly though, I just need to focus at work, go home and wrap up the remaining items I wanted to get done before Max comes home and get a good nights rest. It's been hot, no one is sleeping at my house again so that's a lot of fun. Tonight, will be better...for sure!

My friends SO ROCK!

This is an excerpt from an email from the wicked good Missus P today that I thought deserved a spot on my blogg so I can come here and remind myself that playing the fool does not a fool make:

Sar, I hope you see by how your friends react to this situation that you are an amazing person. I know that Chance has hurt you so much, but we see beyond him - and see you for the intelligent and loving soul that you are - I know you are in pain, but try not to beat yourself up for it.

Balance the bad things you are feeling about yourself with all the good, strong things you have accomplished. The fact that you've been through so much with him, and are already accepting that you'll forgive one day is the mark of a truly capable woman.

Always remind yourself that YOU are the strong one.

((HUGS))

Don't Have The Words

I am in shock today. It's scary when you think you know someone and they turn out not to be who you think they are. Makes it hard not to wonder what else has been a lie.

My sense of trust is like totaly warped at this point.

But as Mary said last night, I'm just tired of all the drama. I'm done. Not one more tear can be wasted on someone who would betray me like this.

Good luck man, you are going to need it.

When Apologies & Thank You's Mean Nothing

Without going into the taudry details, the current scenario has taken a turn for the worst. Today, apologies and thank you's mean nothing.

Chance's apologies to me and mine to those who I love that I have dissapointed by having poor choice in judgement and being weak.

I am embaressed, hurt and outraged. I spent 3 hours today very literally shaking, cussing and otherwise throwing a tantrum and I am ashamed. I am angered that someone would take advantage of family, my family. The only people that have ever stuck by me, the only people here in town who believe in me and love me more than some guy I spent 3 years with. I am saddened that I blew some potentially serious things and didn't really allow myself to digest the consequences before I made a decision. I am angry that I allowed myself to be manipulated. I am furious that someone would do this to my child and myself and while the actions may have not been purposefull, they could have been avoided.

This all could have been avoided if I'd stuck up for myself from the beginning and not allowed my ridiculously soft and soluble heart get the best of an otherwise fairly brilliant mind. I am not a stupid girl, I only play one on tv. ha, very funny.

So now, the repercussions of my mistakes and his inability to see how his irresponsibility is effecting me have left me in quite a hole. Not only financially, but with my friends and family. I know they are dissapointed in me and the truth is, that the to me is the wort punishment. To have let down people who have never done anything but love me, I feel like a horrible person. I am enraged that this dynamic has been violated, that the boundary of trust has been broken and that I sat and watched it happen and didn't do anything because I couldn't get my head out of the cloud of depreession and pity. I could have done more.

But what I know for sure is that I've done far more with far less and I won't let anyone get the better of me. I also know I am still loved and I know that in time, the trust and love will be revived. I am not a child any more, I know how to make things right.

Tonight, I am putting my kitchen back together and crying a lot b/c my heart feels broken again. You might wonder how many times that can happen in a few short weeks, and without sounding overly dramatic....I can tell you it's more than I ever thought possible.

The happiest part of this day is coming home to my beautifully remodeled kitchen that took the hands of four different people happen and it was all done with a lot of love and generousity. It reminds me that in spite of my foolishness, I am still loved. Plus, it's just so breathetaking...Kristen finally came over (to bring me a cigarette I'm afraid to admit) and her face very literally lit up, she said the painting was immaculate and she was so pleased w/ how well the cabinet area cleaned up. We high fived, hugged and she did what any good girlfriend does and said "You will get through this, you are strong and I love you. We all love you." I then burst into tears and realized she meant it and just sat and sobbed the ugly face sob on her shoulder complete with snot, tears and some hyperventiling. Kristen is not a squishy kind of girl, so...I know it took a lot for her to look me in the eye and say that.