Song Of The Day

ANNA NALICK LYRICS

"Breathe (2 AM)"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

True Dat Home Slice!

Joy increases as you give it, and diminishes as you try
to keep it for yourself. In giving it, you will accumulate
a deposit of joy greater than you ever believed possible.
--Norman Vincent Peale

When Life Gets Complex...

I once had this attitude that life need not be complicated, that decisions could be made and action taken to avoid such complication. What I seem to have brazenly excluded from this calculation was the actions/behaviors of others and the unintentional, indvertant ways in oneself can compound the complication.

Learnings lessons about who you are when faced with adversity and the choices you make seems to be what is in lifes toolbox for me, little by little I am learning that I can be who I am in the face of all adversities I am presented with and that person is kind and good at the core of her being. My course of action, my emotional perspective and reaction, it may not always be ideal...but I generally walk away from situations feeling pretty good that I've maintained that place within myself that I wish to exist. It's not always easy, as is probably clear from my last few posts...but once I get used to the idea, once I am able to adjust my visions about my interactions with others...integrity in handling those interactions is how I wish to proceed.

Some day, life will not feel so sad and burdened. I know that and C knows that. With great love and hope, comes great loss and dissapointment. I wish it weren't so, I wish that C and I had been able to come through this in a healthier more mature manner. Thus far, we haven't succeeded in doing so, that truly saddens me very deeply. Somewhere in mind, I always thought if we came to this place we'd likely be able to still love one another and find a place within ourselves that was able to be kind and patient and do the right thing for the other. Not just for us, but for our mothers and families who had such high hopes for us and our life together. And Max. And the animals who are less confused, but I know would be estatic to see him. And our mutual friends whom I am sure are conflicted in some manner. It would be ideal if we could some how salvage things w/o it being a totally traumatic disaster in the end, but I'm not sure that can happen. Sometimes when someone wounds you so deeply, you don't recover. Usually, not with that person. We are both fundamentally broken inside, at least for now.

Today probably the most depressing and painful thought occurred to me...if C and I can't negotiate our way out of this peacefully, this fairly insignificant experience on the grander scale...like what real hope is there that our governments and mases of huamns can? That's probably a bigger thought than I really need to ponder at this particular moment, but it wandered into my mind and has planted a seed. It must be possible? It has to be, right?

In A Funk

Weekend was ok, it could've been better I guess. After the C conversation/sprained ankle incident, I've been a little crusty. My kitchen is coming along nicely and I'm really pleased with how much is getting done. Mary & Howard have been a life saver!

I spent Saturday night trying NOT to be pissed at Chance and picking on Kristen's little brother. We are relentless to the poor boy, but he was a mean-spirited little child and karma would dictate that perhaps that might come back to him. We are MUCH kinder in our play then he ever was to us, plus this has more to do with the fact that he used to call me "Pizza Butt Face" when I was a very sensitive and vulnerable 14 year old. I vowed then to make sure I got back at him, which I did on Saturday night by spraying him with the hose and throwing popcorn at him which stuck quite well to a slightly soggy JR. So there, ha. Plus, I hung out with Carol a good portion of the night (Kristen's Mom) and learned all about her family, how cool was that? Her dad was a WWII fighter pilot! Neat stories.

Anyway, Sunday we got a ton of work done on the house. It's safe to say that 'we are almost done.' Fabbbahulous! I'm looking forward to having my kitchen/life back, but it's going to be such a beautiful new kitchen/life....I already feel it.

Today, I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed. Unfortunately, some people don't always do what they say they will and when that happens...it often can effect others in a considerable manner. I cannot find it within me to be hateful toward anyone, but I am, if nothing else, extremely disappointed. And angry. Yes. Very. I have a child to feed, I am a single working mother now trying to pay a mortgage on one income. This entire scenario has cost me quite a lot and on every level possible, from emotional to financial. More so in the financial now it seems. I am angry that this somehow doesn't concern the other person involved here, that it is now every man for himself in spite of the numerous times I have bailed him out of scenarios, co-signed my life away so he could buy that stupid f*cking bike and worked my ass off so that my credit was in good shape, which inevitably ended up benefiting him quite nicely. I've been more than patient, more than kind and more than loving. I have nothing left to give and I no longer can tolerate this passive attitude towards following up with responsibilities. I am done being generous, there just comes a point where you have to say "NO!" and I've met that limit. I'd met it a long time ago.

It's very sad, I never thought I'd have to go this route with him. And all I can thinking of is how badly I want this issue to be resolved so I can pay the mortgage, get the bills on track and get on with my life. Why must it be drawn out for weeks, months? All it seems like is an effort to some how maintain control of the situation...I don't know? Again, I never thought this would be how things would end between us, it's really a bummer to me.

This too, shall pass.

Song for the day: Garbage - Special

Doh, just when you think it's safe....

I have been feeling fantastic, and I mean good. Better than I have in quite some time, the depression has begun to subside and the relief I've felt these past few weeks is unquestionable. KB treated me to a massage/pedi last night and wine/appetizers at a quaint little bar in Cherry Creek. My friends are such good people, so kind and giving to me. Spending a few hours with K last night was refreshing and intoxicating in the way that only the love and bond of those special few friendships in life can bring. The way that everyone has been reaching out to me recently has been a moving experience, that's for certain.

Last night, I came home...watched some Sex In The City (I love Samantha, I mean the cajones on that girl!) and went to bed by 11. Slept in until about 9, snuggled the dog and we did some morning yoga for about an hour and then I finally got moving. Slowly, slowly, slowly.

As I'm peetering around the house I notice that C called and left a vm. I don't always listen to my vm's, I just call the person who called back. Sometimes it's just easier, or I'm just lazy...I don't know. As I call C back, I am looking out my bedroom window and feeling so grateful for my home and all the love I feel in my life, my amazing family in CO which mostly consists of non-blood relatives and how much I love my pets. I also had a very strong flash of missing Max and I got teary at that point.

C answers the phone. The conversation didn't go well, let's just put it like that. The freaking nerve, I don't even know where to begin and I won't go into detail because I won't blast C to my readers and so public ally....but I left the conversation with that feeling in my stomach like I just wanted to scream and scream and break something. There is only one other person in my life that draws that kind of emotion from me and luckily, I've only had to speak to him about 3 times in the past 13 years. I maintained my calm though after the conversation which ended with me having to hang up on him b/c I just can't let him talk to me like that anymore and went down stairs to turn of my sprinklers. As I go outside to turn off the hose which is pumping water into the new sprinkler Howard just got for me...Gaia cat decides to come rub up against my leg right as I'm jumping from the cement steps to the area where my rose bushes are, which is where the nozzel is. I am wearing a pair of 3" inch chunky strappy sandals and yep, you guessed it....I went flying and twisted my ankle. And banged up my knee. And bent my wrists back funny. Not only did I not recover from trying not to kick Gaia in the head, I managed to ding up every part of my body that is already tender, strained or otherwise somehow not an area that is good to put under stress.

As tradition dictates, big drippy tears started pouring down my recently beautifully made up face and ruined my fresh eye make up and I felt like a child throwing a temper trantrum. My ankles instalty started throbbing, my knee began to bleed and my wrist tingles obnoxiously. It took everything I had to get up, turn off that stupid faucet and NOT kick the cat on the way in. If I was a cat kicker, Gaia would've been in HUGE trouble...even though this is in no way her fault (leave it to the snottiest cat on the planet who suddenly wants to give me lovies on her terms, that's faaaaaaaaaaabulous, Love you too Gaia smoochies) and I know she didn't do it on purpose b/c contrary to populate belief...black cats are not witches, even tho Gaia IS a little witchy, but not toward me. She did get out of my way though, so I suspect her cat intuition were telling her that vacating the area immediately was a good idea. In fact, she's kept her distance from me every since. Cats are smart, aren't they? Smarter than humans are sometimes.

After my little fit, I sucked it up and am now going about my day. But, let me tell you...I am in a damn funk now. Screw C and his attitude, I've been good and kind to him and I can no longer allow my feelings to interfere with the facts and the way things must be. Screw my stooopid ankles that have never been the same after that night at C & D's and screw the fact that I am broke beyond belief and am not sure how I'm going to eat the next 2 weeks and I have days where my trust in mankind plummets just a little more. Screw it.

Sandy Sassy Pants is taking me out for lunch, she will bring a smile to my face and buy me a glass of wine and she is newly in love so my faith will be restored that people are not total assholes. I also know that this does pass. My body in a biological sense knows that, my mind from a mental perspective knows that and the light within me knows that I'm going to have these days and they are going to suck...but it's not EVERY day and it does get better. And throwing a fit, crying or kicking the cat wont' help. What WILL help is doing something about it and that's what I AM doing whether C likes it or not. So, for the rest of the day...I am going to go back to the place where I am happy and take care of me and screw all this other BS. Call it over indulgent, call it selfish..whatever. It's better then sitting around being furious at things I cannot control.

Kasha Of The Krazy

It's a simple fact. Kasha is completely out of her mind. She is a living, breathing, conscious garbage disposal on steroids.

Alot of dogs, most dogs one could argue, beg for things foods like hamburger or cheese. This dog begs for lettuce and carrots. She eats cabbage too. Actually, she'll eat almost anything. Thus far, only one food item that has gone unwanted and escaped inhalation. It was a raisin. Poor raisin, even Kasha Of the Krazy won't eat you. That's ok, raisins and I are friends though I prefer them in the undried fashion...you know, like a grape. Especially those big purple ones with seeds. Grapes are good, raisins remind me a little of mouse turds. Not that I've ever knowingly eaten mouse turds, but as I understand it, there are certain allotments for the cereal to bug/mouse turd ratios in boxed cereal products. So it is likely I've consumed a number of things I wouldn't otherwise put even remotely close to my mouth. Yuck.

When I went home to walk Kasha at lunch today, we participated in the 'welcome home' ritual which occurs each and every time I leave and come home. It consists of her jumping, jumping and bouncing, bouncing. The next step involves a race around the entire parameter of the house at an extreme rate and usually consists of running over a cat or two, some hissing, more bouncing and a little nipping. We are working on the nipping, but I am having a difficult time explaining to her that puppy teeth make people nervous and nipping may be the manner in which she feels she needs to express that she is excited and that she loves her family, but human skin is pretty fragile and really, we are total wimps and puncture easily and this really hurts, so it might be best if she found another to express her love. She just stares at me when we have this talk, some times she tilts her head to the side and starts wiggling her rear, so something I am saying is of interest. I think it has more to do with her very high hopes that I will take her for a walk at any given moment.

Unfortunately, today during the 'welcome home' ritual Kasha must have miscalculated her step and wasn't able to turn in time, because as she came down the stairs so fast she went right into the bathroom and slid into the cabinet. Hard. Thunk! I haven't laughed that hard in a very very long time. My poor puppy, splayed out on the bathroom floor in total wonderment. She seemed humiliated by my laughter, so I sort of chuckled under my breath and picked her up and spent a lot of time reassuring her and mending her self-confidence.

And people question whether companion animals have a sense of humor, that's the funniest thing she's done yet!

Another curious behavior I haven't quite grasped is her seemingly insatiable appetite for cat poo. Kitties use kitty boxes. The kitty boxes are discreetly placed in the house so as the kitty and the human can avoid the potentially embarrassing scenario of the kitty using the kitty box in front of the human. Bathrooms have doors, kitties need privacy too right? Plus, this is poo we are talking about so kitty boxes need to be somewhere that's not in a general living space. In my home, this is the basement area, conveniently hidden and covered by several area's of ply wood and shelving to ensure kitty privacy. With a nice window for fresh air! Also in the basement, there is a general living area in which Max and I spend most of our time. These rooms are separated and one area is finished and one area is not. The door to the unfinished part of the basement must remain ajar for obvious reasons (easy kitty access) and this arrangement generally works out quite well. However, Kasha cannot seem to resist sneaking in there on occasion for a little snack. The first time I discovered that it was in fact poo she was eating is not something I wish to discuss nor think of ever EVER again. My first thought was - MY dog is a poo eater! What is wrong with her! That is just about the most neurotic thing I've ever heard of. I was pretty crushed by this experience and really let her know that cat poo is not dog food. It then occurred to me that ALL of the dogs I've ever had have been poo eaters. If there is a cat in the house, they will go to great lengths to get into that poo. No matter how much food, attention, exercise or scolding to NOT EAT THE POO etc.etc.. the dog might get, they have to have the poo. Poo poo poo poo POO! All poo, all the time. Oh...I just had a brilliant and potentially lucrative thought! Maybe I should develop a dog food that tastes like CAT POO! We'd be rich. Obviously, I have a perfectly willing test subject in my very own home! Perfect!

Poo eating aside, Kasha ranks high on my list of favorite living things. She makes me laugh, she's very warm and snuggly and most of all....she's the BEST companion a girl could ever have! She's right up there with Max and the ocean, so much so that I can even tolerate her snack choices as long as I make an effort to keep her out of the poo as much as is possible and if I just don't think about it, it doesn't bother me at all. Plus, fresh breath biscuits go a long long way in indulging myself in the fantasy that my dog only eats lettuce and carrots and would never ever think to touch poo. Ever.

Mouse turds and poo. Great blogg eh?

BUYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

You know it's going to be a good day when your jeans fit a little looser, you narrowly miss a potentially horrid speeding ticket, you get to work and the voice mail light isn't blinking and someone you haven't heard from in months IM's you with a surprise HELLLLO:)

Score One For The Mango!

Someone Asked Me Today....

I was asked today if I consider myself a feminist. I sort of laughed, I thought it was obvious but apparently if someone felt so inclined to ask then perhaps I should ponder my response more carefully then staring at this person like he just landed from Mars.

Am I a feminnist? It's a good question, I've really never put too much thought into labeling myself in such a manner...I think I've inherantly thought of myself as such. If being a feminist means having concern for the treatment of women of all ages world-wide, then yes. I'd say, yes, most definately that I am a feminist.

If being a feminist means I have to discount the value of the male species to promote the value of the female gender...than I can't do that. As much as I have my days where I find myself thinking that most men are almost totally and completely worthless and that sure, it really IS pretty unfair. The way things have panned out, how many men in my generation are getting off way easy and not having to committ themselves to their children, their wives, their partners, their jobs, their families....how I find the double standards about sex, morality and general conventional thought about what is deemed acceptable for a man to do versus the same for a woman. What about the manner in which females are treated and portrayed in certain cultures that have now become Americanized and the concept of feminie power and beauty is no longer at play, it's just about exploiting and making a dollar off of a beautiful womans body, voice, talent or otherworldly qualities? It's totally disgusting and degrading.

Or the fact that I am still making less than my male counter-parts and especially because I am a single mother. I am most likely to make even less than a woman without a child in my field b/c being a mother often must tend to needs of her child completely on her own, thus are more apt to miss work. But last I checked, no matter the method, it takes sperm which comes from a MAN and an egg which comes from a woman to make a baby...in my case I became pregnant by a man who does absolutely nothing to assist in the care for this child, yet I am still punished by society for being a single, working mother who works hard to care for the child his own father has abandoned.

Talk about some bullshit, for sure!

But, I know woman do all of these things too....it's not a gender thing, or a judgement thing. It's an individual position. It is who YOU are. I would never be able to discount anyone for the mere fact of their gender, it would be the same as we are accusing the American culture of doing to us a woman since it's inception. Men are beautiful, interesting and complex individuals. Many of the kindest people I know come to me in the form of grandfathers and fathers and brothers. My Grandpa John and Comer, Howard, Bryan, Dane and Matt. And my sons, Max and the many young boys in my life I care for. They all loving, giving, capable, concious, honorable, good men. Good human beings. I love them all very deeply and appreciate what they bring to my life and the world they live in. So, I don't believe in 'hating' on men as a means to an end in the message and potential outcomes of the feminist movement.

However, I have to be perfectly blunt and let me not stutter...I see about a 10 to 1 ratio of guys behaving poorly versus their female equal acting in the same manner. It's sad to say, but I must point it out only for the mere fact that while I do believe it IS personal choice to be who you are and it not is defined by your gender...where I think the problem lies has more to do with what culture/communities condone versus the inherant nature of a male/female. And that, more than anything I feel...is what makes me a feminist. Is to support the message of equality, freedom, opportunity and empowerment for women.

Ultimately, what I'd like to see is communities supporting all of us. Every gender, color, eye & nose & lip shape, young, old and in between...I'd like to see our communities supporting us ALL equally, fairly and justly. That's where I would have to start.

Now I'm not sure how to answer this question, perhaps I could consider myself an 'equalist?'

EDIT:
Read this, it is a reminder as to why we should be fighting for all of our rights...not just amongst the genders. These guys, that go over there and serve 2 and 3 and 4 duties...its so sad. The woman fighting over there, right along side those men...it makes me cry and cry. It's just not right and for any of the misgivings of our current political and cultural climate in America, I can deal with that...where we have to start is with changing the global impact. It's too scary.
http://www.alternet.org/asoldierspeaks/55921/

What's On YOUR iPod? (07/10/2007)

Being that I got this new fancy gadget (woopeeee for me!) from Mary & Howard (I'm wickedly spoiled aren't I?) I thought it might be fun to share what I currently have on my iPod and see what you all have on yours at the moment? Maybe we can trade?

As of 07/10/2007

10,0000 Maniacs - 1993 Mtv Unplugged (My personal current fav, Natale Merchant is one of my heros)

Ben Harper - Diamonds On The Inside

The Doors - '62 - '85 Best Of

Fiona Apple - Tidal

Garbage - Version 2.0
Garbage - Beautiful Garbage

Radiohead - OK Computer Live From London

Sarah M. - The Freedom Sessons
Sarah M. - Surfacing
Sarah M. - Fumbling Toward Extacy

Tool - Undertow
Tool - Enima

The White Stripes - Elephant

Prince - Random (Mostly from the Best of discs, a few other)

Iron & Wine - The Woman King
Iron & Wine - Our Endless Numbered Days

Modest Mouse - Everywhere & His Nasty Parlor Tricks

Steve Jobs is a genius, it's the damn truth. It's fun to have techie things that don't require too much thought, you just plug this thing and create playlists. Cool eh! I spend probably 3/4's of my waking hours being a nerd, it's fun when it's a seamless effort on my part:)

Blogger is being a pest...did someone report it I wonder? I can't put a title on my blogg right now...gr.

That aside.....this was my blogg from Monday July 8th:

Remodeling/Renovating/Rebirthing Mania!

Let's see where to start....the kitchen would be the obvious answer to that I suppose. The obtrusive and rather poorly planned cabinets are totally gone, not even a trace as now all the spackling, sanding and texturing is done. THANKS Howard! Mary is coming over today and we are going to start putting the paint on. I can't wait to see how it all turns out! Many are asking for pics and I'll be sure to post them as soon as they become available.

Other house news....most of C's stuff is out so now it's just the clean up. He's got until the 18th to get whatever is left (I'd like to avoid the constant coming/going scenes for Max, plus...it's time for him to get his stuff out) will go to GoodWill. Now that this piece is moving forward, I can get into the basement, closets and other area's that I now have more space to organize and customize to my own expectations!

The basement got a good, thorough cleaning this morning and I'm letting the spot cleaning dry before I put down the newly laundered area rug (PU, that thing was N.A.S.T.Y!) and this gives me a canvas to begin planning for the downstairs.

Mary and Howard are helping me fix all sorts of little things and Howard (bless is heart) has been patienting explaining things that I really have zero knowledge of. I feel a little silly, being 31 and living on my own over half of my life time now with little (or none really) handy-woman type of experiences. But, it feels good to learn things. Hrm, what a concept.

Emotionally, this experience is marking a rebirth of sorts within me, it is more than a deep breathe of fresh air. The Spring Winds came up from the ocean and over the moutains to cleanse this life, this home and this spirit. I honestly feel completely reborn in many aspects and I feel so incredibley ALIVE today for the first time in months. Many months. I am exhuasted, but it's the kind of tired that lets me know the good fight is being fought, the fight that lets me reclaim my life, my heart and that all the sacrifice, fear and anxiety of these past few years hasn't been for nothing.

I can't thank Mary, Howard & Kristen enough. Their love, support and assistance is unwaivering and solid. It's great!

Till next time, peace!
S

OH BUGGER!

I watched THE squeeeeshiest movie on the planet tonight, it's one of my new favorites. Now, the end with Cameron Diaz running in those stilletos in the snow...yeah, ok...and the part where alls well that ends well and the whole new family is singing and dancing around the fireplace..CHEEEESEBALL!

But, otherwise...it was a sweet movie, I even cried! It felt good to cry happy tears about the idea of love rather than the crushing painful feeling like a huge looser with major issues kind:)

Plus, I discovered...THIS!

Jude Law! Le purrrrr, le meow.....le sigh:) I have officially graduated from pastey melancholy, manically depressed and overly sensetive, brittish indie punk rockers to slightly older and probably less melancholy wickedly hot brittish guy. How did I miss this before now? Did you see those eyes...woh.

It was a good weekend:) I feel good today, loved and happy. I'm headed to bed. Peace!

Check out big man out TN:


I love the longer hair, it's so cute!

In other news....my kitchen is in full renovation mode! It's unbelievable! Kristen came over last night and we took down the big obstructing cabinets and started spackling. I was asleep by midnight after 5 hours of straight work and slept like a baby.

Mary & Howard The Handy came over today and we got so much done. I should say Mary and Howard got a lot done, I'm sort of being schooled on this subject of home repair and painting. I'm learning a lot by watching and doing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the cabinets out of the kitchen, it's astonishing how much it opens up the space, it's like a whole new room. I also LOVE LOVE LOVE the paint we choose, it's so pretty. I am overly fond of green, I can't help it. Green is alive, it speaks to me. It makes me happy and it just feels like a good color for almost anything. So, there is lots of spackling, drilling, sanding, sweeping, more sanding and more spackling going on. Howard thought we'd have the kitchen ready for painting after tomorrow. WOW! It's so gorgeous, already....I'm thrilled.

Howard also capped of the sprinkler system once and for all and we hsouldn't have to worry about it for a while now. Thank goodness.

I have to tell you, I am exhuasted. This is hard work! Mostly I think I'm tired from last night, taking those cabinets down wasn't easy....but it wasn't rocket science either. Kristen saved me. Mary and Howard are saving me. It's so much fun to do these projects with my family, it feels like everyone is chipping into to help me make my home my own and that feels really good.

YAY ME!

I'll probably be piddling the rest of the day, just took a long nap and am doing laundry. Have some more sanding to do, but that's about it for today. Tomorrow, we'll finish up the prep work and be good to go! WOOP WOOP!

Sometimes, All You Can Do Is Laugh...Or Cry If Your Me

Sometimes, All You Can Do Is Laugh...Or Cry If Your Me

Tonight was the night of mini-break downs and too much happening at once. Wasn't in the greatest mood when I left work, I sort of keep having these flashes of feeling really overwhelmed. This week is all whacked out, with the day off in the middle cuz of the 4th of July and Max being out of town and this feeling like everything is in motion and nothing is in a place that makes sense at the moment. Work is proving to be crazy busy at a time when I'm having a hard time focusing, but that part is getting better. So, I'm feeling a touch bit overwhelmed anyway....I get to Georgia's, unload on her. Cry and let her tell me it's going to be ok, that I AM going to be stronger and that change opens doors. It pushes you into places you might not have the nerve, motivation or energy to go on your. It's true, I know that. But ain't it a bitch sometimes?

On the way home, I think.....mmmm, better water that grass and those flowers I worked so hard on when I get home. Walk in the door, am met with Kasha in her normal state of frenzy when I get home. We say hello, she gets a 'steak' and I go turn the sprinklers on. Then I think, oh...wait, isn't there a certain way to do this? I'd asked C to fix them before he moved out, I must've missed the instructions so I am trying frantically to turn them off and suddenly, I am being showered by lawn water coming out of some random pipe thing. I run into the house, notice that the back gate is open and Kasha is no were to be found. I go running out the front door and there's Kasha, looking harried and rather flustered. I call C frantically. He says he's on his way over (he was coming to get stuff anyway, so that worked out well) and as I hang up the phone, a cop-looking guy comes pounding on my door. I've got Kasha in my arms, he starts screaming at me that my vicious dog attacked his two little babies and that it took 3 people to get Kasha off of his dog.

Crap.

I explained to the gentlemen (who frankly was acting like a hysterical little child) that Kasha has never bit anyone, not human or canine or even the other two cats she lives with. That she can be dog aggressive, but she is still being trained and acts like she's totally ferocious but always backs down. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I then ask if he's a cop, nope...he's a FEDERAL MARSHALL from Aurora with no 'jurisdiction' in this area. Great. He asks for my name, I'm like sure. No problem. My dog may be a brat around other dogs, but she's not some terrible horrible demon dog. Most likely she went running up to these two dogs, trying to act like Ms. Tough Shit and got scared and didn't know how to react and then they all got into it in some furry, fumbling panic. We finish up our conversation and by this time I am seething, this guy is acting like Kasha is Cujo or something and talking to me very inappropriately in the process. Sure. ok.

Then the cop comes. For the record...I am PETRIFIED of police. Why? Probably all those years on the run and they were, in effect, the 'enemy.' It's gotten better, but as soon as one is within a few feet of me I very literally begin to have a panic attack. I instantly think I am in trouble and something bad is going to happen. As soon as the cop comes in I start shaking. Like That's not suspicious right? Thank goodness he was a nice guy, he took my story, filed a report and said animal control will be out tomorrow. Chance comes in as the cop is questioning me and Kasha becomes excited and want's me to be put her down so she can greet Chance. Starts jumping all over the cop. bounce....bounce....bounce. Oh good. The cop and I finish up the whole thing, says to wait for the call tomorrow from animal control so they can come and 'investigate.' Super Duper! My first run in with the law other than traffic violations and it's over my dog. Cuz she is Cujo reincarnate for sure. Last I checked, she's foaming at the mouth and all. Vicious, have you seen her teeth?

THEN....after the cop leaves, C inspects the sprinkler system...which has been on this entire time and he then informs me that some pipe is stripped. He has to turn the water off, for the whole house. He can come on Saturday to fix it but I'll have to wait, I pointed out that if he were still living here, he wouldn't be waiting until Saturday to make sure the water is on. We then start fighting about the sprinkler and what ever else under the sun b/c we are both stressed out (one reason we are no longer together, b/c we don't work well together under crisis) and I start bawling the biggest, fattest most drippiest tears on the planet and Chance gets mad. B/c it makes him feel bad when I cry. I then put attempt to put on my big girl panties and tell him I can handle it by myself and just to get his stuff and get the bleep out. Real mature, I know. But...please consider the circumstances. As I write this, it's funny...but it was not at that moment, I assure you. Then after some more yelling, he asks if I want help...I bawl something incoherent and he herds me into his roomies car to take me to Home Depot. We wander Home Depot about half an hour with me sniffling, pouting and being otherwise pathetic and really REALLY pissed off at the world in that moment and C says he doesn't know what he needs to get the job done and he'll have to come on Saturday. Neither of us have any money, we can't call a plumber, we won't have the money to fix this at Home Depot....we are both emotionally spent.

Double Crap.

I am then herded back out to the car, where I have nothing to say as I've reached the limit for what I can handle in a single day and silently cry all the way home. I walk in the door, and the floodgates open again. All the emotion of feeling overwhelmed by this break up came out, hard and heavy. I said things I needed to say, maybe not in the most appropriate manner but I said what I had to say. I told him it wasn't fair, this damn dog was what HE wanted (but I love her of course and it's not her fault she's a shit, it's mine), HE reassured me in all my reluctantly about buying this house away, HE told me this and that and the other thing so I could help him with his bike....and so on and so on and so fourth. I said almost every ugly thing I've been thinking and I flat out told him this ISN'T FAIR. HE wasn't supposed to do this to me. He stared at me, stunned and calmly said I will call you later. It's going to be ok. He hugged me, kissed me on the head and left. And I just cried even more b/c I didn't mean to be so hateful and I know Chance's intentions were good and neither of us could for seen this and yes, I AM overwhelmed and yes I DO have days where I feel really really alone. And upset and not so patient any more. But damn him and...and...I'm just fed up with this whole thing and feel like someone besides me should have to ante up and take care of business, and the sprinkler blowing up and me feeling left to deal with it about popped my top right off. I feel bad now, I really wasn't very nice and the fact remains that no one person is ever to blame in a situation...Chance isn't some terrible guy, he's a wonderful person. And I don't want to hate on him right now b/c it's not what my heart tells me to do, I think he is just the easiest person to point my finger at. Albeit SOME finger pointing is needed, but some should be pointed at me too. He's just...I don't know. His intentions have been good, we both went into this with a commitment and for whatever reason, that commitment and desire to see it through has faltered. And then I cried some more as I sat and thought about that, about how we let each other down and how that hurts like hell.

This must be my day to cry because I really haven't been able to keep the tears back for very long.

I called Howard to let him know Saturday morning wouldn't work for painting as I needed to get this taken care of with Chance. Howard insisted on coming to take a look and was here in half an hour, spent 2.5 hours in the dark capping off the sprinkler system so I could have water. Going to work with no shower, bad. Pets with no water, bad. Howard said not one judgemental word about anyone or anything in this situation, he just showed up. With a neutral, very parental, but loving and kind attitude. Even when we walked through Home Depot at 9:15 at night trying to find the right PVC pipe under those glaring lights he was joking around and just generally making me NOT feel like a total looser for needing him and the truth is, when he came over...I really did feel like it was going to be ok. This sense of relief, like...I'm really not alone in this. Really. Someone does have my back and I am loved and I'm not a total screw up. It's all I've been able to do since he got here to keep from crying my eyes out, I don't know why I think I have to be strong in front of him. He just left actually, after a few attempts at getting it all fixed...but he did it and did a great job! And to be honest, I haven't felt this relieved in a really really long time and I'm not even sure why. It's not just because my washer is washing clothes at the moment and that my dog has fresh water to drink (the biter) it just felt really good to me that Howard came. Really good. Made it all better for tonight and that, to me, is like an amazing, thought full, conscious and caring thing to do. I wonder what drives someone to do that for another person? And I think of how much I want to be that person some day, just be able to come help someone I love just because I can or because I want to. It's pretty shocking stuff, I don't always know how to do deal with it. Isn't that sad? I don't always know how to let people love me with out massive guilt and fear and like I'm not worth it and all this other weird stuff.

I am now going to go upstairs and cry some more and go to sleep, this has been the longest 5 hours. Some sort of odd time warp.

Celebrating The 4th

Tuesday Night:
C came over to pick a lens and ended up taking me to dinner for a quick bite to eat on him, it was a nice gesture...but awkward. He's a funny bird some days and I've given up trying to understand him and just let things be what they are. I think he feels some need to check in on me, to try and 'take care of me' in some manner from a distance. *shrugs* We discussed finances, the house and life, we talk about how things are working out for both of us. We go longer periods without speaking but we still must talk regularly due to our current financial connections. And the house is still pretty full of his stuff, in the basement anyways. I tell him how I'm worried, worried about the motorcycle payment and making sure the mortgage is getting paid on time. I explained that I feel pretty raw in terms of the financial outcomes of this situation. He tells me that life isn't easy for him either right now and that it's been hard on him too. I know that's true. I bit my tongue though, I didn't bring up the number of comments I could've made at that moment, but I'm sure the look on my face made my point evident. It is what it is, that's what he keeps saying. Ha...that's one way of looking at it I guess.

After dinner, Matt & Helen came over and we had a great time. It's been months since I've seen them both, long over due if you ask me! Matt blew some stuff up across the street and took Kasha for a walk, which I know she greatly appreciated. They are getting their own place together! WOOOP WOOOP. That's so great, congratulations guys. It's helluva deal, jeesh. Nice place for a great price, can't beat that! Good luck, can't wait to see the outcome!

Wednesday:
Slept in a bit, watched some TV, napped, ate yummy things and tried to stay cool. The heat has been getting to me a bit lately, it's better today though. Manageable at least. Kasha spent the evening whining, shaking, barking, crying and otherwise being pitiful due the kids up and down the street blowing stuff up. I am a definite fan of fireworks, the big pretty ones...not so much all the noise and fire aspect of it all. It really does feel a little overwhelming, I don't blame Kasha. It is a little much if you ask me. I'm sleepy today for sure, a restless puppy doesn't make for such a great nights sleep.

All in all, it was a nice day off. Too short, this day off in the middle of the week thing is a little distracting. I'm totally slammed at work today, I see Georgia at 4 and have some cleaning to do at home. Tomorrow night I see Kim for a nice girls night at her place. I'm eager to see her, I've been concerned about her mental/emotional state. Her and her husband are divorcing and it's a tough time. Something in the air it seems b/c everyone I know is either doing really well or really not so well! Ah....

Saturday, we paint! Mary and Howard are coming to help me get the kitchen situated. WOO HOO. I'm excited about that, it's going to make such a huge difference. I can't wait:)

peace out ya'll, have a great day.

In Honor Of Crystal & Dane

May this sacred day be memorable and bright in your mind when you look to it years from now. I love you both so dearly, it is sad that I am not with you today physically, but I am with you in spirit. Congratulations! Your love brings inspiration to many and the vision of you in my mind is a testament of that love. I've never been able to see it any other way!

Live long and prosper friends, be well.

Changed My Header....

I updated the header on my blogg....my Aunt Marcy sent me this quote, the reason for my posting it is probably obvious.

Tonight, I was presented with yet another opportunity to practice patience and tolerance. What I'm learning is that I cannot control how others feel or perceive me, but I can control how I act/react when faced with their opinions/judgements. For one moment, I began getting bristly...ready to give someone an earful. My ego wanted to react and react strongly. I did not. I started too and then I heard the tone in my voice elevate and the pit of my stomach became notted. I remebered that I don't have to defend myself for me to know what is true. I don't have to defence myself to people demanding explanations about unwarraned assumptions. I can no longer feel responsible for how anyone else feels about me, my life style, who I am or the decisions that I make. If I had engaged this person in the debate they were working to chide me in, I would have failed myself by over-reacting and getting defensive. Instead of giving into what they were looking for from me and that was a rise, to some how appease them, to tell them what they wanted to hear and for me to say all the right things to make it ok again. I can't do that any more, I won't do it. I will always be kind, but I do not have to expend my energy anymore trying to get my own back off the wall. I'm working to be the person I want to be, I don't have to provide explanations, especially not when they are demanded in such a negative fashion. Funny what we think others owe us, it can be a deceptive game, friendship, love. I've never understood how that same love that someone will profess for you can turn around and hurt you in a mere second.

I'm sure we all saw it coming...but you can believe this crap with Scooter Libbey? WTF? Where is the freaking outrage? HELLO?! The entire nation just spent how many weeks talking about stoopid Paris Hilton and her short time in jail for being a pretty princess with a drinking problem....EVERYONE had a damn opinion. You couldn't read anything, not even Alternet with out seeing her face. But somehow The Mad Cowboy gets to pardon his little buddy and Libbey just gets off. That's it. No biggy. NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD HATES US! Least we know if Rove ever does get indicted, what's waiting for him. Unless GWB goes down too. GARH. Sometimes I feel like a hampster, just running the wheel and watching it all go down around me with no hope. '08 help me help me!

07/02/2007

Friday:
After a rather trying day emotionally for a number of reasons, I spent the evening with Mary and Howard, had a delicious meal (I haven't had real meal in a while it seems like) and a few hours of quiet, comfortable interactive time with just the two of them. I was reluctant to go because going home to my bed to cry and moan and spend the evening feeling pitiful sounded much more appealing. I took a bath, played with Kasha and fed the cats. I felt a little better after that. So I went, and I'm glad I did. Rhy and his g/f invited me out to coffee after downtown but I honestly just couldn't do much more than making it to Mary & Howard's. The fact that I made it all felt like a small miracle, so I thought I ought not push it too hard. I went home, had a brief conversation which C that ended up with him laughing at my attempts to stand up for myself and me feeling really humiliated in the process, but I ignored that and went to bed with Kasha snuggled up next to me and we both slept like there wasn't a care in the world.

Saturday:
Slept in longer than I anticipated and pittered around the house a little before I got my day started. This 'pittering' consisted of sleeping a little more, wandering about my house admiring the quiet and serene nature of my home when it is not boiling over with apathy and discord and eating peanut butter out of the jar for breakfast. I kept stopping by Max's room and trying to figure out if I wanted the door open or shut. He keeps it shut when he's home b/c that is what teenage boys do, they are private and especially don't want squirrelly nosey Mom's all up in their business. But, Max isn't here so I decided to keep it open until he gets home. Besides, Gaia likes his room as the window in this room over looks her vast kingdom in which she has a great many duties and responsibilities such as seeking and destroying moths, surveying the land for any intruders and sampling the various delicates of her land which all of her loyal servants happily provide her.

After showering and some more piddling, I spent the remainder of the daylight hours running errands, visiting with Kristen and her ladies and tidying up my home. Watered the plants, the grass and Kasha. Kasha needs to be watered, it apparently is an important aspect of her growth, otherwise...she rolls in things and smells bad and I'm sort of not into that smelling bad thing. So, she's had several baths recently actually after a unfortunate mishap while on a walk (muddy water, fresh cut grass, you do the math) and whatever it is in the back field that she wants to roll around in.

After all this, Max and I spoke at length and he sounded like he was having a total ball. My grandparents seem to be enjoying him a great deal as well. How fun to be 14 and carefree, it must be a good life. I am happy he's got the opportunities to do so!

I watched the cheesiest movie ever, I always think I'm going to get into chick flicks...and then am so sadly disappointed by the quality that I end up turning it off before I even get through it. Maybe I'm just a little cynical at the moment...I don't know. But, love isn't like what is portrayed in your typical chick movie. Come on! No wonder everyone is so confused with messages like that, can we PLEASE stop propagating the fairy tale bullshit and get real with love is really like? Let's talk about the patience and commitment and two parties who are able to be less selfish then the other when the time is needed and how much energy and time and work goes in to relationships? Anyone ever see "The Story Of Us?" That movie is slightly more realistic I think.

I spoke with my cousin Kenari, good to hear her voice. She's a good girl. Tried to call my aunty MB but I figured she was probably gallivanting about in a forest some where, breathing in the cool moist Washington sea air and observing life in it's infinite pattern of change and glory.

Colleen invited me over, I had thought Matt, Helen and I were getting together but it turned out Helen had a rough week and opted to stay in. Understandable, so I headed over to Colleens and spent the remainder of the evening giggling, laughing and eating. Came home late, slept well again!

Sunday:
Slept in, walked the puppy wuppy before it got to HOT...did I mention it's hot here? I mean wickedly hot, like not safe to be outside kind of hot. I have the AC on at home for the animals today, it's such a waste of money and terribly for the environment so I avoid it. Plus, ours isn't the most efficient. There's a leak somewhere in the piping so it makes it a little less than useful. But, it gets the job done when it's really hell-fire hot.

Watched Sopranos all day, ate more peanut butter, napped. Chance called, which again ended with me in tears and feeling like a fool after all was said and done, but that's the law of this land from what I can tell right now. We all have good and bad days I guess.

I thought about Crystal and Dane a lot this weekend. Feeling joyful for their progress and excited about the details from their trip. And sad that I can't be there right now. It doesn't seem fair to me some days, that all my plans have to be readjusted b/c of this shift in my life...but I guess that's how it works. I thought alot about the various relationships in my life, how things have changed and grown and that the entire direction of my life is pointing toward me living for me at the moment and how gratifying that is. I thought about the sense of sadness that I still feel and disappointment and how it's still there, but is dissipating slowly. I also thought that the pain will fade and I will be me again at some point and Chance will be a memory. I'll be able to know the lesson from this time with him will have been beneficial, we will have both learned something and taken that with us to the next phase. I then cried my eyes out over a wedding scene on The Sopranos and thought it was time for me to put all this love stuff on the back burner for the rest of the day.

Didn't sleep so well Sunday night, too hot. Kasha was restless and making weird noises and Gaia kept mewling for me to get up and turn the water on in her bathroom sink. And then I had to get up and turn it off. She must have a really good laugh at my expense. Freaking brat cat. I keep trying to remove that tiara from her magnificent little head, however she is pretty protective of it so I don't care to risk a swatting and possible blood loss over it. Gaia should watch her back though, Kasha is preparing herself for a fierce battle of who will rule in The House Of Mango's. While Gaia has maintained the coveted tiara for some time, Kasha is gaining points. It's really quite silly, this competition between them. Kasha thinks she is a cat and Gaia KNOWs she's a cat, so I don't get it? Oh well. Pumpkin and I (The House Of Mango's resident bitches) just roll our eyes and sigh. Silly baby tree fruits!

Max Has Landed

Just got off the phone with Mj, he's sitting in the plane on the tarmac in Nashville.

I've been holding my breathe since I saw his plane take of and was strictly forbidden by our faithful little soldier to cry or blubber on him in public and NOT TO WORRY because everything would be fine.

When he called, my heart about jumped out of my throat...I asked him if he was ok, how was the flight, any turbulence...were you nervous? Are you ok? Was everyone nice to you?

"Mom, I had peanuts and sprite. The flight was fine and everything is fine. I have to go, I'll call you later!"

How is it fair that Mom's get to have the heart attacks and kids get to have all the fun? I am sort of breathing now. Sort of.

You've got to wonder how these parents who have to send there kids all over creation to spend time with the other parent must feel. yuck.

BFI Hit Me In The Head!

We all experience moments in life in which we brilliantly realize a profound truth, direction or sense of mindfulness.

Yesterday, I experienced that moment with shinning clarity. I now know what I have to do. I've never known it to be more truthful or more meaningful than at this juncture in my own personal journey. Though I know it's going take dedication, hard work and a sense of willpower I've not been able to maintain before. But it's exciting, it's really exciting and it feels good to know that my spirit will speak to me at the moments in which I need her motivation the most.

Blinding Flash of Inspiration = BFI

BFI smacked me right upside the head last night like a red-headed step child and said...woman! getchyo shit together and live up to the promise this life has to offer you! Stop living for others, this is YOUR time sister. Embrace it with grace and the honor it deserves. Cry those tears, be angry...let yourself go into that place you need to be to heal. Cast aside that which is holding you down. And then....go for it. Go for what you want! Who you want to be!

I humbly concur.

Round N Round She Goes....

This clearly is a great time of change not only for myself, but a great many around me. Consider the following that has occurred or will be occurring within close vicinity during an exceptionally brief period of time:

• Chance has moved out, er...moving out I should say.
  
• Max will be in TN.
  
• My days at work have become increasingly demanding.
  
• Raquel, my nearest and dearest co-worker will be starting a new job at a development firm downtown. It promises to be a lucrative move for her, both financially and professionally and I am over joyed for her on a personal level. She has become a good friend to me and I will miss her, but I know we'll stay in touch. On a professional level, however, I know it has come to a great shock to my team and she has typically been the only other classic ASP developer besides myself on the team. This could end up being an opportunity for me and since I am looking for additional income, I may approach my supervisor about seeing if they can somehow assign me all the classic ASP development and increase my pay to include another 10 hours a week. It sure would help! We'll see, but I am definitely staying alert to the possibilities.
  
• M and her family are experiencing the gambit of change from employment shifts and medical issues, to both kids leaving for college. Big stuff going on there.
  
• Crystal and Dane are getting married (WOOT! WOOT!) and will be here to see me in October. WOOT WOOT! I'm sad I'm missing the wedding though:(
  
• When Mj returns from TN, there will be soccer camps, school registrations and then HIGH SCHOOL. dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! Not only Maxter, but Bethany will be starting at the same time. Kristen and I plan to hold one another alot.
  
• And in between all of this, I have many a personal challenge ahead of me and I am looking forward to facing all of them. The great, the annoying and the horrifically neurotic...it's all good in the land of tree fruits!

Should be some good times...this is a summer that will definitely go down in the memory books.

peace
xo
S

Nothing Much...

I'm ok today, sort of not feeling much of anything. Swamped at work, trying to get too much done before Max goes to TN and not having enough energy to deal with it. The depression and stress is still here for sure, I imagine it will be for a while. I am definately not in a good position right now in a number of ways and yeah, I'm sorta pissed right now. I feel like I'm getting a pretty raw deal out of this situation.

What I keep telling myself is that for right now, the mortgage is paid. We have food in the house, there's gas in my car and I have a job. Max is going to have a wonderful summer thanks to Mary & Howard and my grandparents and even though I don't get to go to Mexico now, the solitude will be highly beneficial. That's all I can do right now.

Empty Walls

C moved most of his critical items out this weekend, TV, clothes, art-work, bath needs, etc. He left tonight for his first night at the new condo with T (new roomie.) He stayed most of Friday and last night, last night wasn't bad really. We are both sad, I know...but moping around in such a depressive state is just too overwhelming all the time...so we both sort of made light of things and managed to have an ok night.

I'm sitting here feeling a little overwhelmed, my house is in disorder now b/c of all the moving of things about and this state of 'waiting' we've been in for the last few weeks. The walls are almost totally barren, most of the art work was C's. The house feels a bit quiet and I don't feel as anxious as I have these past few weeks, that's a score.

However, the realization hit me pretty quickly after he walked out the door that I have my hands full with this house. I know NOTHING about handy-work, painting or general household mainteance of any kind. This of course speaks nothing of the financial outcomes, but I will navigate that situation carefully and see where it goes. I also can't really delve into the emotional pieces too deeply. It's not time yet. I've been doing that for weeks, so I've started digesting a lot of that. But, I still feel a sense of betrayel and sort of left in the lurch in a number of ways. And hurt. Hurts like hell sometimes actually. But thinking like that feels pretty worthless to me, it certainly does nothing to address the current issues at hand. I will acknowledge my emotion and let it be what it is. I cannot predict how this will pan out for me in that regard, but the fact remains that no matter what my heart speaks and my mind screams, I've got a full plate in more ways then just worry about how to take care of a leaking pipe.

Tonight though, I will embrace the memories (happy and maybe not so happy) of these past few years and begin my plans for a new life altogether. Cycles of change never end, the more I am confronted with the things that once traumatized me, the more I am able to overcome the fears and feel like I am capable, I am worthy of having the life I want.

It's Official....

Chance found a place, looks pretty nice. Upscale condo's off Speer. Big pool, weight room, club house...all that good stuff. Should make a nice bachelor pad.

The fact that he's found a place and will be moving out sooner, by the end of month at the lastest has it's comforts and I feel ready to start the real mourning of this relationship, healing, regrouping and having some time to myself to absorb these changes. I am very ready for that b/c having him here has been close to unbearable for me.

As predicted, however, I am sad and feel broken. Again. It is sadly, a reminder that I am loosing something that has meant something pretty profound to me. I am being rejected by someone who once claimed to love me so deeply that he would never leave me. I know he believed that then, I know he did. He's not a bad person and there's a part of me....that is still very deeply in love with him and my heart feels like it's breaking all over again now that it is real.

But, no matter how much I cry and feel sad...I know in my heart it's the right thing for both of us ultimately. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore, that's how lost I've been in this relationship and that speaks volumes as to the importance of this seperation. I know he feels the same, plus...the bottom line is that he wants his freedom. He's getting it.

This is Jack Johnsons most recent release, which I essentially start to sob every time I hear it. I guess when we go through pain, things reach us. Music is a big one for me. When Carin passed, Sarah M's "I Will Remember You" pretty much broke me in two every time I heard it. This is when that song was brand spanking new and they were just starting to play it on the radio.

Maybe 7 years from now I'll feel the same about this song:
Jack Johnson - Let It Be Sung

Happy Solsitce!

Diamonds On The Inside

Ben Harper - Diamonds On The Inside

Max's lab results came back normal, we are still waiting on results from the radiologist. But so far, this is a good sign.

Life is moving quickly, work is pretty consuming at the moment and between that and getting Max ready for TN I am pretty much spinning around in circles. They are good circles though, I am settling into my own life again, slowly but surely and it feels good. I have days where I feel absolutely nothing, I must admit. Like my body is still allowing me to grieve AND function each day. Luckily those days of feeling absolutely nothing, like a zombie in an unknown body...those days are fewer and the days where my flowers make me smile and Max's hugs make me feel alive and taking Kasha for a walk gives me peace of mind...those days are becoming more frequent.

I will be able to see Georgia on my own for about 6 weeks through the summer and we have discussed what direction our sessions should take. I believe this is going to be a summer of great growth and personal opportunity for self-development. For the first time in what feels like eons, I can just live for myself. The exception of course is my son, but he does not drain me. Do I worry about him? Of course and some days, he does take a lot out of me...but for the summer, life be quiet and I am looking forward to that more than I ever thought possible. I am looking forward to being alone, to living in solitude and having space to just be who I am. Having the freedom to explore this new me, the woman that I was before I met Chance is no longer. I am changed. I am stronger, I am confident, I am capable and I am on the path I believe I am meant to be on. Chance has had something to do with this and I am grateful to him. There was a time when his kindness and seemingly endless ability to understand and love me did exist and for that, I am changed. To know it exists, that is a gift. And while I am still struggling with the hope I once felt for my life with him, the idea that we might marry and live a happy life together, anyone would be pained by the loss of that hope with someone they once loved very deeply and couldn't imagine their life without the other. I am still allowing myself to mourn that loss, but the passing of that life gives me room to breathe life into a new one for myself and my family.

I am ready.

Where it goes now, I'm not really sure...but I know it has a whole lot more to do with healing myself and taking who I am to the next level. Whatever that means.


www.dreamingheart.com

I LOVE THIS STUFF

Ok, soooo....everyone knows I am total peanut butter freak. It ranks extremely high on my favorite foods list. It is delicious, relatively healthy, aesthetically pleasing in numerous ways and super on-the-go friendly.

All of my favorite candy has peanut butter in it, peanut butter fudge, Butterfingers, Peanut Butter MnM's, Reeses Pieces and has anyone ever had that ridiculous Peanut Butter pie thing? It really is just totally sick and wrong how delicious that is. I would even think about men if I could eat that every day!

However, back to peanut butter....it is extremely high in fat and calories and my problem is that 2tablesppons just isn't enough. I could eat that in one mouthful if I was really have a PB-Attack! But...never fear my Dear Sweet Mango!

CHECK THIS OUT

http://www.betternpeanutbutter.com/

It is SO good. And I MEAN DAMN SKIPPY kind of good. The type of good that makes you feel even good...good-der (?) when you are done eating it. And why? B/c it is not only nutritionally balanced and uber low in fat/cals compared to my chunky favorite, but it's about the CLOSEST thing I've eaten to actual peanut butter that I liked ALMOST as much as the real thing.

It is amazing and I just ate my last scoopful on an apple and I feel zero guilt for doing so.

Try it my fellow weight watchers, let me know what you think. It doesn't taste exactly like peanut butter so don't be totally surprised, but pretty close!

Till next time....
Peanut-Butter-Lovin-Tree-Fruit

PS: Now, if this sort of thing could be done with Pizza, Onion Rings, Crab/Cheese WonTons and every other fried, fatty, cheesy thing I'm not supposed to be eating....imagine the possibilities!

Sunday Salutations

It's a sizzling Sunday here in Colorado, almost 95 right now and for any of you that don't know, that's like dessert heat. So, it's hot, extremely arid and pretty windy today. Perfect for fires, thank goodness we've more than average precipitation this past winter and even this spring, so that moisture is on our side.

Max had a doc appointent on Friday afternoon, kidney counts are up pretty high so he's going in for an ultra sound on Monday. Everyone send thoughs and prayers, we'll know more tomorrow.

Friday night was sort of a drag around my house, but it was redeemed later by my neighbor inviting out with him and his sister and her hubby for a few drinks. I had a blast, this family is the sweetest bunch I've met in a while. Both physically attractive and sweet as the dickens, just good people. I LOVE IT when that happens! They came over after for a bit and we hung out a little longer and then it was 3 in the morning and time for everyone to be in bed. Fun night!

So that was fun, yesterday Max and I slept and snuggled and watched movies. Was in bed early. Today, we are escaping the heat and working hard to stay hyrdated by hibernating in our dark and rather cool basement. It's at least 10 degrees cooler down here, if not more...I'll take it.

Funny story.....Kasha has a new 'baby.' Max and I picked out a new squeaky toy for her on Friday night and the moment she started playing with it, it was clear this was to be different then all the other toys. We aren't sure what is going on in that facinating mind of hers, but this toy has captivated her and she essentially treats it like a mother pup would care for her puppy. It is a bright orange dragon, about the size of a month old puppy. Kasha carries it with her everyway, she hides it under the blankets and doesn't like it when people try to take it away or play with it. THIS IS NOT A TOY! That's the look she gives me when I try to play with her with it. She tried to throw in in the bathtub with me just now and it must be treated very gentley, otherwise...the baby might get hurt. I've never seen her be that gentle with anything! So, I've decided it is probably best to give her space and let her have this experience whatever it may be. Chance thought it was a little nuerotic, which is possible...Kasha IS A little nuerotic, but so am I. And that's ok!

I'd better wrap up, Max just went to pull weeds before we get ice cream and maybe watch another movie. I keep thinking about how important it is for me to get more active and pull myself out of this rut of laying around all weekend and sleeping and then I decided that will happen and I am getting stronger every day, I can feel it. Depression has that effect on me, it sucks every single ounce of energy out of me....but I'm feeling more more active by the day, so that is a good indicator that I'm making progress.

Chance stayed at a friends most of the weekend thus far, I think that's been good. He doesn't seem particularly happy at the moment, the little I saw of him this weekend. I can't tell if it's me or if he's just overwhelmed, but his patience is at all time low and I think it's best that we are having time apart as much as possible until we can both regroup.

signing off for now, tired again. Besides, Kasha needs me to hold her baby now, so I can't type and do that at the same time.
xo,
S

06/12/2007

I've been fighting the tears all day today, but after work was the worse. Oncey they start, I can't make them stop until all the big fat drippy ones are gone and just puffy dry eyes remain.

I feel betrayed, hurt and completely spent.

I talked to him briefly today, as he was out at the bar celebrating with his fellow classmates 'getting' through the class. This teacher has really been a challenge I know, so it is warranted. The celebration. But, I heard all these screaming voices...men and women, and Chance. And they are getting a hotel room down town tonight so no one has to drive and I immediately thought to myself, I should be the one celebrating with you. I've been the one supporting you and helping you create this life you've wanted, I've been the one taking care of the house for you and making sure you have food to eat and listen to your stories about how much your teacher bugs you and I've stood by you through so much and wanted to give up a few times and didn't b/c I beleived in you and I just feel....so ANGRY that I am hurting this bad. It's not fair.

I know this is just my ego talking and releasing ones ego is easier said then done. I also know that no one meant to hurt anyone in this scenario, it's just how this thing has worked out.

But it doesn't make it any less painfull. And I am mad at him dammit and I need to let myself feel that or else I'll never work through it.

"Hold on, hold onto yourself...cuz this is gonna hurt like hell." Sarah M.

Mary Jane - Alanis

"Mary Jane" (Jagged Little Pill)

What's the matter Mary Jane, you had a hard day
As you place the don't disturb sign on the door
You lost your place in line again, what a pity
You never seem to want to dance anymore

It's a long way down
On this roller coaster
The last chance streetcar
Went off the track
And you're on it

I hear you're counting sheep again Mary Jane
What's the point of trying to dream anymore
I hear you're losing weight again Mary Jane
Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for

Well it's full speed baby
In the wrong direction
There's a few more bruises
If that's the way
You insist on heading

Please be honest Mary Jane
Are you happy
Please don't censor your tears

You're the sweet crusader
And you're on your way
You're the last great innocent
And that's why I love you

So take this moment Mary Jane and be selfish
Worry not about the cars that go by
All that matters Mary Jane is your freedom
Keep warm my dear, keep dry

Tell me
Tell me
What's the matter Mary Jane...

Sick & Tired Of Being Sick & Tired

I've been sick off an on for months now, I realize now it's most likely underlying stress and bouts of crappy lifestyle choices that have burned my immune system up. I'm sick of it. So done.

Worked from home today and went to the doctor. No bronchitis, no sinus infection though he said....mmm, you rlungs sound a little funny. Huh? What does mean? "Funny." 1,2,3 your out the door, call me if it doesn't clear up in a couple of days. Didn't put me on antibiotics since I don't have a fever. But that doesn't change that I really feel bad, I think coughing takes so much out of you.

So, I am plugging away at work at home today. Doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen (finally, only took me 3 weeks) and mopping in between. Kasha in her 'downstairs house' next to me at my desk. Trying to feel better, wishing I didn't have to drive downtown today 5 pm, but knowing it'll be really good for Max to see Georgia before he goes to TN. I realized today, as I am picking up Chance's clothes and other miscellaneous items that:

a) I won't miss picking up his crap, being unappreciated for all that I do and hearing myself ask umpteen times to pick h up his damn towel.

b) This is stuff we could've worked through some how I think and there are many aspects of who he is and what he means to me that I will miss. But, as time passes and I am able to see him without my love-goggles on (ha, Mary!) I can see that he needs some time on his own and so do I.

I am looking forward to making my home my own, I am nervous about how I'm going to manage the financial obligations, but I will do the best that I can. There ar so many things that need to be done here, like the kitchen seriously needs to be painted. So does the back deck, those two things would make me very happy. But I am not sure I can swing that any time soon. I may have to get a part time job, I'm putting my feelers out. Work of any kind is hard to find in Colorado right now, let alone the 'right' part time job...but I know it's out there.

Until then, I will just hope and pray that nothing serious happens at the house and that I don't get laid off or something. It's going to be VERY tight couple of months, but I think if I stay on budget I can probably save a little for Christmas. The good news is that I'll probably loose some weight:) just kidding.....no body panic, we'll be eating just fine. Even if it is ramen noodles, we will be fine!

Anyway, I should go...I'm listening to Dr. Phil (seriously don't' ask me why) and now my interest is somewhat piqued. They are talking about marriage deal breakers. Huh.

Momma Said...

We've all heard it..."If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all." Granted, there are times when a good confrontation is warranted and it is important to roll out the issues on the table, but in certain circumstances, it does nothing but hurt the other person. And what purpose does that serve? Last night, I was given a good dose of exactly what my former amour thinks of me and I suspect today he is wondering why he said those things. Thankfully, I was able to maintain my composure and fairly gracefully indicated that unless he wishes to sour this fairly decent repoire between us during this difficult time, it might be wise to keep bitter comments to ones-self. I have refrained from doing so, I will expect him to do so. However, I am totally shocked at the degree to which I have been underestimated. Truly. And hurt. I never realized I was such a disappointment.

Otherwise, my weekend generally sucked. I was/am sick, spent most of Saturday coughing, sneezing and being miserable. I didn't get to one single social event this weekend that I'd had planned and missed P's visit on Sunday which really was a bummer as I wanted to meet her boys very much. Plus, I just need girl time in general. I missed my hike date w/ Sandy and B's going away party. I didn't get to talk to my GramE on her birthday and my house is in total disarray.

Work should be kicking my ass for the next several weeks and I have a fantastic opportunity to actually go to Mexico after I thought I wasn't going to be able to, but it's still all very complex and confusing b/c Chance has no real clue about what he's doing and when he's doing it I can no longer put my life on hold while he figures out what he wants, that's for sure. I have to find a way to go, it's a good opportunity...one I may not come across again and Crystal and Dane want to make this happen for me b/c they love me and want me there....who can say no to that? I love them, we have 5+ years of history and deep friendship between us....

back to work, life will be nutty these next few weeks. Family: Please be patient with me. Friends: The same.

love you all
xo,
S

I Think I Have Tuberculosis!

I guess that's probably not very funny considering the current controversy here in Denver...but I haven't coughed this hard in years. I look and feel like something out of The Stand. My spirits are relatively high though, which is saying something since my life is way more confusing than need be at the moment.

Peace and clarity and tranquility...take me awaaaaaaaaay. But I know, these next few weeks are going to be imbalanced and probably pretty up and down.

AND with a good dose of NyQuil (or some such intoxicant) I should be ready to ride the night night express tonight and hopefully, that will help me a) sleep b) get better and c) not cough my throat raw so I can eat. I hacked most of last night, so the head hurts from the hacking and the lungs/chest hurt from the constant motion.

poor me. wah. I need a cookie.

At least I have a sense of humor, something I've found more useful as I get older in times of adversity. It keeps me from becoming to bogged down in depressions, which is easy for me to do. Taking myself too seriously is a major flaw of mine.

Till next time my fellow fruits, I bid you a fond farewell and I wish you all well until next time.

Bit Of A Breath

Today, I woke up and didn't feel like a zombie and also didn't feel like my heart was literally in pieces in my stomach. I even giggled on the way to work in my car, listening to my fav morning show on the radio. Last night, I went to bed feeling a little angry at C (he recently got a new phone and took a pic of Kasha with it, I asked to see it and he didn't want to give the phone up...didn't want me looking at the pictures AT ALL....hrm, seemed a bit like a game to me...but he was adamant so I said screw this and went to bed) but as I went to sleep I realized that soon, all this anguish and uncertainty will be over. There will be no more question like "How can I help to make this better?" or "Why doesn't he do x, y or z?" and "What is wrong with me that he doesn't seem to love me like he once did?" That, in and of itself, is a relief.

I don't feel bitter or hateful, I feel sad and appropriately so. I hope I can maintain this. I also don't see my relationship as "over" with Chance, but I don't know what form it will take. That remains to be seen and I really don't have any sort of expectations, I am just comfortable letting it be what it will be. He seems to have a strong need to 'take care of me' through this process, assuring me that he isn't abandoning me and hasn't fallen off the face of the Earth...which is sweet...but I can't help but wonder why it's so important to him. I know Chance cares for me deeply and I will let that be the reason and not speculate any further. Plus, in spite of his almost total lack of emotion during this process (which I never realized how totally cold and harsh he could be until this) I suspect that somewhere, deep down inside...he is disappointed too. And maybe a little sad, I'm not sure. Maybe he's trying to take care of both of us.

I also had some obviously meaningful dreams last night, ones in which Chance was in all of them...but I was in control of the outcomes and maintained my resolve of strength through this phase and into the next of my life.

So, it feels good to have a day where I don't feel broken. It feels good to wake up and not feel like getting out of bed takes more energy then it should. Except, of course, I have come down with some sort of cold or allergy thing going on. Itchy throat...actually, more like burning/raw throat...headache, sniffles a bit. I'm sure it's just a cold and what better time? I'm already beat to shit right now, it makes total sense to me.

I know not every day is going to feel good, I also think when Chance moves out...I will probably break down all over again. I know me, I know how I work...the physical act of him leaving and all of his things being gone will probably make it all real...so I'm not holding my breath on that being a particularly easy time for either of us. But...it gets better, I know that for a fact.

Cheers to each day getting better and my cold taking a hike sooner rather than later.

xo
S

Windy Wednesdays Wishes

What a blustery day, windy windy...but warm, pleasant really. Wind like this tends to leave me a little on edge, a little anxious, I know that it moves the air and the water and those are two things certainly in motion at the moment.

I awoke to a lovely bouquet of flowers from my roses bushes, blooming and fragrant. Max, bless his heart. He seems suddenly to feel as if he needs to care for me, I don't think that he at all appreciates my current emotional state and seems to be making a lot of effort to help around the house and generally cheer me up. It's all very sweet.

My session last night with Georgia was really helpful, granted it is her job to be my cheerleader...but it doesn't hurt to have another person rooting for your recovery from a painful experience. It's nice to have someone I can just vent on, tell everyone and not feel in danger of offending anyone. Neutral parties really are a fantastic source of feedback.

Some random thoughts/ideas....

• I finally feel ready to do some house cleaning. Though, I strangely don't feel the normal pressure to do so. More important things to do and honestly, if I go home and it doesn't get done...oh well. My energy level for such things has been minimal and I am giving into that for a little while.
• I need to find an adapter for the digital camera that Gayle gave us, I'd like to begin using it regularly.
• I have a MySpace account now and am inching towards actually doing something with it. But I need some new pics, that sort of thing and...some content I suppose.
• I'm looking for a local book club, something my age group...preferably women of the progressive nature.
• Max will be in TN through most of July, I think he's coming back on the 20th. I'm feeling some anxiety on what exactly I will do with a house with out my boy and without my ex-partner/current housemate. I am thinking it's going to be a fantastic personal challenge, having that sort of solitude...it's been a very very long time. Actually, I've never spent 3 weeks totally on my own in my life. Max has always been with me and for the short periods he's not been (weekends with Grandparents, etc..) I've had extensive plans. C and I had planned to do some 'reconnecting' during that time, I was looking forward to that...but, things being what they are...I'll be doing a whole lot of reconnecting with my sweet self.
• Speaking of, I've decided reinstate date night. With myself. I will buy/make my favorite foods, take a long bath, get soft and comfortable and smelly good and watch a chicky movie and sleep really really good. Always a favorite healing activity of mine.
• I'm pondering contract work, finances are going to a killer...it might be a wise decision for me to start seeking it out now and see if I can find something through the summer....just to help with the pending fall school fee's, clothing, etc...etc.. not to mention Mj's bday will be coming up soon too.
• sigh.....

A Funny Thing Happened On My Way To My Nervous Breakdown....

Funny thing....when crisis hits and life sucks the big one, I find out that I have this like AMAZING support system, whom I believe, genuinely love me and authentically believe that I (wierd I know!) am a strong and capable individual. It's been ego boosting the past several days to be told how wonderful and special I am, how strong I am and how everyone knows I am going to succeed, move past this and become a healthier, stronger and even more capable individual for doing so. Whoa.

So, either I need a lot of hand holding and loving to get through crisis in tact...or, I'm pretty loved? Probably somewhere in the middle, leaning towards the loved thing from whatever everyone tells me. Wow, that's some pretty wicked cool stuff for me to know right now.

All this positive reinforcement is really messing with my head people...come on! Nah...I keed keed, I love it:) It's great, it thrive off the energy and it does help me to believe more in myself. I've also been really good at letting everyone tell me how great I am and how much they care for me and that this does suck, but I will get through it. And BELIEVING it! Ha, that's the big thing right...like letting down your ego long enough to let others tell you what a wonderful person you are and that you actually let yourself believe it, absorb it..become part of you? That's a milestone for me and I'll take it.

Thanks to everyone who's listened to my blubbering, complaining, whinning and crying over the past several days. It is only phase one of what I anticipate to be a fairly long journey, but having support is a pretty outstanding experience. This is what happens when people love and give to you...isn't it the strangest thing?

Tell me...how greaaaaat I AM LOL LOL

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain. People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

What Do People Envy About You?

Pro's & Con's Of Heartbreak & Sadness

In no particular order...

Con's

• Probability of bursting into tears at random moments increases 10 fold, not so good for work purposes.
• Lack of mental clarity, total distraction.
• Listening to the radio reinforces a range of emotions (I heard this song today and totally lost it....
  http://www.lyricsfreak.com/a/ace+of+base/dont+turn+around_20003641.html
• Lack of energy, lethargic.
• Feeling pathetic and feeling like everyone else feels like I am pathetic too.
• The weather isn't cooperating with my mood (should be dark, raining, cloudy and dreary.)
• Sleeping is all I want to do, but actually doing it is harder than it should be.
• Chance is everyone in my life, and in reality...he is. My home, my work, my car, my spirit.
• Just getting through the day is my only goal at the moment, I can't think of much else.
• I know this is going to go on for a long time, months probably....I could do without that.
• I don't feel like talking to anyone and being alone is my preferred state at the moment, this isn't like me but I am honoring it.
• I am just sad...it's not fun, being depressed is pretty crappy.
  
  Pro's
  
• I become largely inspired and creative during these periods of depression.
• Eating doesn't seem terribly important at the moment.
• When the sadness passes and my sunshine returns, I will be SO much happier for it.
• I am overcome at the outpouring of support by my friends and family, everyone has been so kind and sweet and not hating on either of us, that's the best part. We've reached a point in life where no one HAS to hate anyone, this is just the way it is and it's sad and we deal with it.
• Max has been THE sweetest baby boy on the planet, he knows I'm not a happy kiddo at the moment and sends me funny emails and hugs me a lot. Huh, who knew?
• Changes of this nature bring about new (and potential exciting as one of my favorite people on the planet pointed out) possibilities for growth and life.
• Learning through this process will be good for me, I will be reminded of my strength and my purpose...perhaps I will even be inspired to seek my passions as I've been longing to do for so long.

Lisa (I knew it, she's my girl!)

You Are Lisa Simpson

A total child prodigy and super genius, you have the mind for world domination. But you prefer world peace, Buddhism, and tofu dogs. You will be remembered for: all your academic accomplishments Your life philosophy: "I refuse to believe that everybody refuses to believe the truth"

The Simpsons Personality Test

Your Birthdate: January 25

Your Birthdate: January 25

You excel at anything difficult or high tech. In other words, you're a total (brilliant) geek. It's difficult for you to find people worth spending time with. Which is probably why you'll take over the world with your evil robots! Your strength: Your unfailing logic Your weakness: Loving machines more than people Your power color: Tan Your power symbol: Pi Your power month: July

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

One Thing I Know About Grief...

...is that the world does not stop for your tears, your heartache.

This morning, when I didn't get my normal email from him...that says "Hello, have a good day. I love you." It reminded me that this is my life now, there will be no more "Hello Mango's" or hugs or waking up next to him in the morning.

I know this will pass, this feeling like my body will split in half from grief and loss and sadness. I know that someday, I will find a way to look back at this and not fall apart.

But today is not that day and I AM falling apart and I DO need to cry and be sad and feel everything because I don't know what else to do right now. Eventually, I won't be able to cry any more I know that too. My eyes will just dry up and there won't be anything else for a while...and then suddenly, it will all start up again at some random moment when I least expect it.

Hurting like this is awful....going to sleep and waking up to a new life, sans that big drippy tears and sobbing, and without that terribely gnawing my gut....that would be good. But I guess without this, I do not learn the lesson. What that is yet, I don't know.

Max's 8th Grade Continuation (05/30/2007)

Big big news...big big Man had continuation this past Wednesday and though I am not typically fond of such stuffy formalities, this event proved to be surprisingly enjoyable and not at all stuffy! And NOT just because my baby boy was participating (though that was the best part of course) but also because it was a lot of fun seeing all these awkward teenagers, graduating towards the beginning of a life time of possibility.

Strange how there are some things that never ever really change. 13 and 14 year old girls spend 2 weeks deciding on what to wear, giggle nervously, clique up and cannot seem to resist talking to and teasing one another. 13 and 14 year old boys throw on whatever smells clean, snicker at everything and brandish a smirk that indicates that they are almost certainly all too cool to even acknowledge this sort of ceremonial ridiculousness...but they show up cuz it makes Mom happy, plus their are 'hot chicks' at this sort of event. Together, they make up 300 kids who have a shot at seeking out their passions. They don't know it yet, but that is what they are doing in all their silly goofing with each other, figuring out the ranks and trying to identify how/where/why and/or IF they fit into the cycle.

Bless their little hearts.

I even got choked up when the principal read her speech. A blathering idiot I will be at Max's graduation I am sure. I can't help it, I am a fan of sentiment. Feeling is good, believe it or not and I don't see myself attending another 8th grade continuation for one of my own children again...so I'll go ahead and steep in the sentiment and all it's glory. I love my baby and I am proud of him.

Howard attended and I think that had something to do with the joy added to our evening. It's nice having family, it was nice to have someone to share the evening with! Plus, I know it means the world to Maxter! YAY Howard:)



Fun evening, I am glad we attended and am even more appreciative of my new found hope for the future. Kids are fabulous for inspiring that I hope I suppose, I will take that and run with it.

Congrats Maxter....let's rock your freshmen year and make it something to be proud of! Whatever you do, I know it will end up being the right thing for you in the long run. Just hang in there...some of us are STILL trying to find our passions in life.

peace



PS: A little Friday funny....http://funny-cute-cats.freeonlinegames.com/