My Aunty Is Coming, My Aunty Is Coming!

My Aunty Mary Beth phoned Saturday morning (after numerous attempts to reach me the night before, we were out celebrating C's bday and I didn't check messages until the next day) to tell me she was coming to Colorado for Buddhist retreat and would have a window of visit time as she comes in and as she leaves. YAY AUNTY MB! My boss lady is cool with it, so I'll be able to leave early and spend time with her on March 1st and March 22nd (too and fro) and I am so happy she was able to make it all work in terms of flights and what not!

WOOP WOOP!

Made my entire weekend. I have been so excited since I talked to her. My Aunty Mary Beth so rocks, she is one of my favorite people and every time I see her I feel good and better and like I belong somewhere.

I can't wait to show her my house (which sometimes resembles a zoo, but that's ok) and my car and my wonderful guys:) Seeing Max is going to floor her, she has some experience with teenage boys due the many siblings she has, but.....still, it's pretty shocking to me, imagine if you hadn't seen him for 3 years! Whoa. Plus, I know she'll love the cats and the Kasha.

Oh did I mention we found a new home for Mr. Wiggles? For this, I am thankful to the Hamster Gods b/c Mr. Wiggles and Kasha puppy were in serious conflict. Luckily, Mr. Wiggles went to a new family who is very into hamsters and has lots of experience with them AND they live up the street so I get weekly reports on his condition and state of affairs, which brightens my day as well to know he is happy and Kasha is going in neurotic circles.

As you can imagine, I am very excited to see my Aunty and I can't wait for her to get here. Her visit has almost made me forget about this horrendous cold I've come down with, how broke I am and my impending dental procedures. Those things all suck, my Aunty MB is wicked cool so I'll think about her and not that stuff;)

YAY Aunty MB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

February 23rd 2007 (4:15 AM)

~ Bang ~ Thump-ump-ump-mp-p

Kasha:
Woof. Ruff. Woof. Ruff. (short little barks, something is amiss. DAD...wake up!)

Chance:
"Did you hear that?"

Sarah:
"Yes."

Kasha:
Woof. Ruff. Woof. Ruff. (short little barks, something is amiss. Yawwwn....but I'm tired)

Chance:
"What was it?"

Sarah:
"I don't know, go check!"

Kasha:
Woof. Ruff. Woof. Ruff. (short little barks, something is amiss. crawling back under covers)

Chance checks on possible intruder.

Sarah turns over to go back to sleep.

Chance returns.

Kasha:
Roowwwweeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr (Kasha makes her stretchy noise and passes out)

Chance:
"Your tree is destroyed?"

Sarah:
"WHAT? Which one?"

Chance:
"The one on the entertainment center."

Sarah:
"Oooooh, those cats. That sucks, Kristen gave me that as birthday present years ago. I bet it was Gaia." (Gai is "Chances" cat)

Chance:
"No way, it was Pumpkin. She was looking very guilty when I came downstairs to check." (Pumpkin is "my" cat)

Sarah:
"I doubt it, Gaia has been really bratty lately. I bet it was Gaia."

Chance:
"No, Gaia was sitting at the top of the steps wondering what was going on. I bet Pumpkin work her up with all that nonsense."

Sarah:
"It was Gaia. I'm sure of it."

Chance:
"It was Pumpkin, your cat was probably trying to eat it or something."

Kasha:
More noises and movement from the end of the bed, under the sheets...cold nose on my foot.

Sarah:
"It was Gaia." (have to get in the last word)

So much for our vicious attack dog. It's good to know that Kasha has our back, next time we leave the house our minds can rest easy that should a burglar ever decide to invade our home, Kasha will bark diligently and then pass out.

For the record....Pumpkin Cat is a tree/plant eater. She has been since she was a kitten, but she doesn't usually tip them over. So it probably was Gaia, since she is a fatty mcfat cat. She's HUGE.....Chance calls it winter weight. I call it lazy cat fat syndrome. And Gaia has been being really mean to me lately, yesterday she tried to swat at me coming down the stairs. Chance thinks its funny and she's trying to 'play' This cat doesn't play, she means business and she is a vicious, terrifying creature.

:)

Happy Birthday Chance!

Mega Squids

There was a squid discovery in New Zealand today that broke the records, wicked cool!

http://www.topix.net/content/ap/0759068941284529328508078016111732706341?threadid=CNFIFCQ2IBDB75NS

I LOVE squids....they are ginormous and alien and have HUGE eye balls. I wish they didn't have to be dead for people to find the really big ones....but the ocean works that way, it washes up what it is done with and moves on. And seeing that I currently don't have the power to form gills out of my lungs, I doubt I'll ever get to see one in this life time in it's natural habitat. So I guess I have to settle for the dead ones. But maybe we can grow gills, if you try real hard and they just pop out? I always thought something like that MUST be possible if you put enough energy into it? Like in those cartoons when they think real hard and their heads pop off? :) I don't want to pop my head off though, or anyone else's really....

GramE sent me this book a while back, "The Highest Tide" I LOVED it. I plan to give it to Max to read, but he's reading a Clive Cussler book at the moment about the military. He's pretty interested in war and blowing stuff up. Apparently the total mass of testosterone is directly proportionate to the quantity of desired explosives?

Anyhow...in that book, a young lad discovers a giant squid and describes his discovery in detail.

I wonder if that's how these guys felt, finding this enormous creature....funny how our planet seems so destined to die, doom and gloom seems eminent and then....new things are found, from a deep and dark place we cannot know yet. I'd like to think something like global warming is not the reason we are finding this sort of thing, I guess that's possible...but I try to be positive, otherwise I cry about it.

Sorry, it's my mood today. I'm sort of in and out of it, ah well...what do you do?

I should go, time to shove off....

My Beautiful Baby Jetta

I love my car.
I love my car.
I love my car.
I love my car.
I love my car.

I am so happy she's back. AND AND AND.....next Monday, she's going to the shop to patch up that busted up bumper (stoopid snowbank) and dented drivers side rocker arm (BAD SNOW BANK!) So soon, she'll be in tippy top shape. All pretty and beautiful again....woop. AND...all that is left is to get those running lights fixed and get an oil change. woop woop, then she'll be the happiest Baby Jetta EVER! This summer, I am hoping to put in some new speakers....she'll be so happy then. Then we cruise the boulevard, both looking hot and sounding so good with the sun roof open and the windows down...bumping to beats of Mangoliciousness. YAY Baby Jetta and Mango!

Is it ok to love a vehicle THIS much? I'm going to go ahead and say "Heck yeah!" I know a few others ladies in my life who can fully appreciate giant hunks of metal that hurtle you down the highway that bump your favorite tunes and are a whole lotta fun to drive. Foxy Lady comes to mind. And K's beast of a truck...and Colleen, she drives this insane massive truck as well. Little girls, BIG trucks! I am personally a big girl who likes fast cars, but to each his own yes?

I should get back to work. I am swamped and not as focused as I could be. Way too much on mind, most involving the all might dollar and trying to make it stretch and last to it's fullest. I'm thinking of picking up some kind of weekend work...we'll see, like my life isn't already complicated right?

Also, tomorrow is a big big day for my honey bunny! YAY C:)

Peace,
S

Let The Games Begin

Spring soccer starts for big man in a few weeks. 3 practices a week, 1 - 2 games during the weekend. From March through July it's on like Donkey Kong. The spring will blow by us in a blur. I'm excited though, this will be his last season before going Jr. Varsity next year in High School. My bebe is going to be playing big boy soccer soon with big boys at big boy school. sniff.

Chance and I have been experiencing an inordinate amount of stress these past few weeks due to car difficulties, work related stress, some minor issues with a few people in our lives, school (both C & Mj), illness and of course, the ever present financial dramas. My only current focus is getting my dang car back. Hopefully today. Dentist appointment for Max will prob have to be cancelled, oh well...it is what it is. He'll be disappointed, silly child LIKES the dentist. I cannot fathom this.

Anywho...due to this stress we have decided to hibernate and focus on our priorities. This probably sounds easier than it really is for us sometimes. We are both guilty of procrastination, distraction and the occasional bout of outright laziness. We both have distracting issues in our respective lives, we both have a fairly large platter of responsibilities and well....I think we are both a little exhausted by the stresses of these past months, which have been great...but also the good kind, that teach you about life and how to deal with it.

I am just tired today. And a little whiney. My back hurts like mad and I'd really like to get my dang car back, I'd feel a whole lot better having those keys in my hand. Course, it's going to cost me $400+ dollars to get those keys, with the car, back into my hand...but hey, you do what you gotta do right?

blah. will report back soon.

Baby Jetta....where are you???????????????????????????????? OHHHH BABY JETTTTTTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Please come home to momma.....

This JUST in.....
I have been reunited with my precious Baby Jetta AND Max will make it after all to get his teeth pulled. I had to leave work early (again) and it's totally possible that my boss hates my guts at the moment, but....these things must be done. I also might now have to babysit this weekend as a favor to the person who picked me up, which I don't mind....this is all ok. I can't wait to come home, take a damn ibuoprofen for my back and lay on my couch that I worked so hard to put in this house!

Peace. All hail the mighty Baby Jetta for she is strong and uber Mangolicious!

Star Dust Children

My child asks me of the stars, my spirit comes to life with the innocence of his wonder
Flashbacks of moments without complexity or the tease of knowledge, just simple admiration

Why do they look so tiny, so close together,
When we know they are massive and powerful?

What causes some to seem bright and twinkling,
Yet others flash hue of softer color and texture?

How can something appear to be one thing,
When in fact it is something else all together?

Resisting the temptation to blurt out all my passion and blindside him,
With idea's, conceptualism....could he possibly know what he is asking the Universe?

I carefully refrain and focus on the basics of what I know for sure,
That we are all connected, we are all made of the same stuff.

It came from up there, the star dust,
We are down here, the same star dust.

Whatever exists in between up there and down here,
Might just be there to beckon us to think, to question, to explore.

My child asks of stars, of bigger things than himself,
I can only attempt to contain my excitement for him.

4 Day Weekends....who needs them?

It could've been a better weekend...it was going ok, but at some point...things pile up and you just throw your hands up and say "What the hell else?"

I was supposed to take Friday off, client didn't want me to have it off though it was approved by my supervisor. Client called supervisor and was pouty and acted like a child, luckily said supervisor said I shouldn't take Friday as a PTO day after all since I ended up having to be on call for inpatient client a (a is for a$$shole?) and apologized for having to call me in on my day off.

Ok, well sure...whatever, you deal with it...it's the nature of my business, sometimes you are on call. Ok, moving on.

Saturday/Sunday Max and I ended up with some freakish flu of the 48 - 72 hour sort, complete with fever, pounding headaches, chills, sore throats, coughs and congestion. The 3rd time in as many months have I've been really ill with some strange bug....and poor Max still sounds like he's got a rattling chest, he'll be into the doc if that doesn't get better within the next day or so.

Meanwhile, Chance is flying about like a mad man trying to finish up a big project he's been working on for school. He's a little cranky sometimes when he's in this mode...I think we only barked at each other 5 times on Saturday/Sunday, not tooo bad.

Oh and Max, well that's a whole other story...but let's just say he's not exactly getting a lot of privelages at the moment. Boys who are blowing it don't get to do fun stuff. But it's all a work in progress though and I love him no matter what, I've told him that about a billion times this week.

This morning, Max and I are both feeling mostly better but still off.....but I managed to get some grocieries in the house and take us out for lunch and a movie so we could have some fun time together.

Chance calls in a panic at 6:30 asking that I PLLLLLLLLLLLLEASE bring his laptop (which had the project he needed on it naturally) to him at school b/c HE HAS to turn it in immediately. Hey, it happens....I don't mind have my guys back, that's part of what this sort of thing is all about right?

Get in the car.....hrm, this is odd, we don't have any running lights. Hrm....what to do? Ok, we can handle this - drive w/ your hazards on (the guy busts his ass on his school work, I know it's important) and just get what he needs to him.

Turn the hazards ono...ok driving with these on is annoying. Turn of hazards and hope for the best....Ok, this is REALLY strange.....now I have no turn signals. Greaaaaaaaaaaat. It's dark, ok...dark AND cold.

This is all still fairly manageable....I'm not feeling to panicked b/c these are all easily fixable things but I do have to get C his laptop asap, I've got a sick kid in the car and someone had the BRILLIANT idea to bring the dog (that would be me, I take her everywhere with me) and the dog is restless.

BLAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. BLUB BLUB BLUB

F*cking POTHOLE! Anyone exit Colfax from I25 recently? There is a crater sized pothole just lurking there, and it's not close to the stop...it's a good distance so your still slowing down from highway speed. It was, in no way, forgiving at all.

Now, I am....upset, or something like it. Pulling out the calmish "Mom CAN handle everything!" attitude and then thinking of what to do. I call/text Matt AND Helen. No word, still no word actually and it's 3 hours later. Hope they are ok. The next obvious thing would be to throw the ole spare on there myself right? OF COURSE NOT b/c NOTHING can be that easy for me today.

Once upon a time the Baby Jetta got a flat tire and an valiant attempt was made by all to get the this one very stubborn and insanely tight lug nut off. It could not be done, not even the various heroes of my life could not use their mighty strength to pry that lug nut loose. Being that we'd JUST had the car serviced (tires rotated/aligned) by the Dealership, we felt it fitting to have them come and undo what ever super evile spell theyd cast and promptly come get the damn lug nut off. They couldn't do that, oh noo....but they agreed to tow it and fix the tire, free of charge. After Chance bitched at them for a good hour or so.

That's great, all is well in the happy kingdom of Mango when alas....she goes to have the tire replaced (it was only patched the last time and was in need of replacement) before the winter weather comes and the mechanics look at me like I am crazy. "Dear, do you see that at least 3 of these lug nuts are stripped to hell?" like I'm some kind of idiot (grr, I HATE that.)

No, I didn't know that but HOW WOULD I considering I'd had no problems since the last time....and I was trying to proactive and fix and got treated like some ditzy blonde anyawys (I HATE that) anyway, long story short....my lug nuts are all stripped to hell (as my previous mechanic so eloquently put it) and can not be pried loose by mere mortals. Heavy duty machinery with major sounding action is required to bust those puppies loose. But I thought that's why I took it to get fixed...oh no, it's not that simple...dealership has to fix it. ok. whatever.

So, I file this little deatil in my memory and have been meaning to get this fixed (which I'd planned for on Friday but couldn't b/c I HAD TO WORK and couldn't get it down in time for M to work on it)

So...yeah, lug nuts aren't moving. Chance calls and says where are you? I tell him (in brilliant detail of course) about the situation and the next step. Chance took the bus from school to try and come rescue his fair maiden, the little night and the galiant steed (Kasha dog could easily wooop someones ass if needed LOL) and one hour later he got there and began dutifully changing the tire. I said quietly...."But, I think it's stripped" I'd already called a tow truck. "Call and cancel that tow truck, I can get these off." Shrug. But...the lug nuts are stripped. Sometimes, you just gotta hope for the best. So while Chance yelled every curse word in the book in his attempts to what was later found out to be impossible...I called and cancelled the tow truck. Then all looked hopeless so I called again and said, ok we need a tow truck. Then...a lug nut came loose. So I called and cancelled. Then....after more curse words, Max and I standing out in the cold on the side of the road (Max was in his pajama's by the way, tshirt/shorts) shivvering and Kasha puppy looking very distraught...Chance said "Call the f*cking tow truck."

With the tow truck en route, Chance is worried about leaving us on the side of the road. Which is very sweet, but I did want to gently remind him that while I may be a fair maiden, I am a rather resourceful and capable individual, some even regard me as a force to be reckoned with (har har) and I was certain I could handle the situation. Instead I said "Don't worry baby, get back to school so you can turn that project in." He argued and finally I took the laptop out and shoved it in his face and told him to get moving. I apprciate his concern, but dammit...all this drama better not lead to nothing....go turn in that damn project NOW! But I handled it well and he could not hear my internal screaming, only external zen-ness. Yeah me. I am strangley calm with the big stuff. Usually. It's generally the small things that make me insane and act like a rotten fruit.

Tow truck driver shows up, sweetest guy ever and I was greatful for this b/c I couldn't deal with creepy tow truck drivers....seriously, I just could not tonight.

(Kasha INSISTS on sitting on my lap while I type, it's very cute...but pardon the typos)

We get home, get the car parked. The dearheart tow truck driver offers to try and get the lug nuts off with his tools (stock jack/tools from VW...not so great) and goes to work trying to get it off. Busts 2 sockets in the process and also cursed. Luckily his tools are insured. Max sure got an earful tonight. The f bomb has been thrown around more tonight than in your standard Quintan Terrentino flick. Ah well...not like he doesn't know those words. Except one that Chance said...he might not know that word. Well now he does I guess. Anway.....

Sweetheart tow truck drivers says "Girl, these things are stripped to hell!" I broke out into hysterical laughter, I almost started to cry at that point. I just nodded, I really couldn't say anything else. I did tell him this on the way, I guess he didn't believe me. He says "Yep, yer gonna have to take this to the dealership fer sure! I'd make them pay for it too!" The same thing Chance said the moment he met me out on Colfax earlier.

The neighbor walks up and asks if everything is alright? I say yeah He tried to poke me (these are the cute little youngin's who live next door) and ask if I was getting a reposession, I told him to piss off (I know choice language for such a fair maiden) and that of course I wasn't getting repoed. I told him about my night and he laughed and offered me a beer and gave me some more ribbing....

....actually, let me just note here that between Chance trying to save us, the sweet tow truck driver and my brother like neighbor guys who I am strangely fond of.....it actually made my whole night they were all so nice to me. It just felt good to have my guy, 1 guy i don't even know and 1 guys I barely know take care of me some how, just a sweet gesture by your average man out in the world. And Max...bless his heart, was trying VERY hard to play the big man role. In fact in he insisted he could change the tire when it first happened, luckily he was in his pajamas so I had a good reason for making him sit in the car while I figured this out..........

Finally now all is well, everyone goes home...

I walk in the door and Max tracked all the mud from standing on the side of the road into the house, up the stairs and into the bathroom.

I just deeply (very deeply) inhaled and slowly exhaled.

The carpets are getting cleaned anyway, what are you going to do?

And now, I am typing this in my blogg and thank goodness I have a ride to work tomorrow, Chance should be on his way home fairly soon and Max is in bed asleep and warm.

I am so ready to go to sleep and just start a new day tomorrow.

Here's to better tomorrows.
Cheers!

Freaking cheers.

goodnight.
s

Two words....

Hoo - Rah!

Hoo - Rah for 3 day weekends (coming up quick!)

Hoo - Rah for a beautiful and warm home.

Hoo - Rah for a Crystal's speedy recovery and rockin' body to boot.

Hoo - Rah for furry soft things that purr or bark and only want to love you and are never cruel.

Hoo - Rah that I made it safely to work without sliding into the guard rail.

Hoo - Rah that I have food to eat.

Hoo - Rah that people out in the world love me.

Hoo - Rah that I have a great job.

Hoo - Rah that my son is healthy and has opportunities.

Hoo - Rah that Chance has such opportunities with his career and education.

Hoo - Rah that changes are in motion.

Hoo - Rah that Mary is healing.

Hoo - Rah that life has blessed me with another day.

Hoo - Rah!

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day

May this day find you enjoying the fertile
opportunity of love in all it's beautiful form!

Peace to you all
Love
S

****************************

Mango's Question Of The Day:

Read the following quote

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get . . . Only with what you are expected to give. . . . Which is everything. --Katharine Hepburn

What are your thoughts on this? Do you give everything for love? Should your love be unconditional? Do you expect something in return? If so, what is it? What are your epectations in love?

****************************


Various info and opinions on the history of today's version of this his holiday:

http://www.goddessgift.com/pandora's_box/Valentine's_Day.htm

http://www.witchology.com/contents/february/valentines_static.php

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lupercalia

http://www.religioustolerance.org/valentine1.htm

A Lisa, Or A Bart...

Call #5 from Max’s math teacher today in the 6 days. This boy has a serious issue with authority, specifically women in authority. Isn’t that nice, he’s got this strong independent female as his mother….but some how, that’s still undermined by our culture…and probably his father and grandfather in some way. Effers. Ok, I should probably not go off on that rant.

As soon as he doesn’t ‘like’ a teacher, he just digs his heels in and expects the world to figure it out because he’s not budging. My patience level with him this past week on the whole math thing has reached its peak. Kid is facing summer school and he STILL fights it every single way. I already helped him out of a situation with a teacher he didn’t ‘like’ earlier this year and allowed him to drop the class. Now he’s asking me to help change his math teacher, because she is ‘mean’ and so on and so forth, the same shit I’ve been hearing from him since 5th grade. Every semester it’s a different teacher, he always picks at least one to totally dislike and take on. This isn’t new; this has been his nature since about 2nd grade. I think he is a Taurus, not a Virgo.

It’s so frustrating. What do you do with a kid that basically just refuses to try? He’s failing this class. He’s been failing it all year, we’ve tried to get him tutoring after school and he ‘forgets’ to go. He does nothing but fight me when I try to help him and gets very frustrated. He feels he’s so far behind that he’s not even going to try. He told me that today when I confronted him. He shows up purposefully without his supplies and then tells his teacher (this is classic) that I don’t buy him school supplies and that’s why he doesn’t have what he needs. Ms. Hecox calls me today saying, will you please BUY Max some school supplies….like I’m the reason he doesn’t have school supplies. I just bought him school supplies at the 1st of the year, plenty….enough for the whole school year. I asked his math teacher if Max has been showing up with supplies since the beginning of the year, she said…until last Monday. He told me that his ‘friends’ and him got into a paper fight (?) in the bathroom and his math notebook got destroyed. This happened a week ago, not a word was said to me. I even asked him if he had homework during the week….”Nope, we have CSAP this week” welllllllllllll….he DID have CSAP (standardized testing) but he still had homework to be completed by today, over the weekend…I just found out today.

But he couldn’t do his homework this weekend because he didn’t have any school supplies. Because his worthless mother doesn’t buy school supplies for her son. Poor little guy, man has he got it rough! It’s pretty obvious how neglected and abused he is at home I’m sure.

Now I know why Homer Simpson strangles his children.

The current theory with everyone we are working with is that Max may just have to crash and burn to figure this out, he may just have to go to summer school and if so….oh well. He is 14 for cripes sake. He is old enough to do is homework, show up to class with a freaking pencil and paper and everyone on the planet knows he’s a bright kid. Not a single soul questions whether or not he can do the work, he’s full capable….but you know the line, “He can do the work, he’s just not applying himself.” I almost screamed at the first teacher to give ME that line. I just looked at her and the images of the 10 billion teachers before her that had used that line on my mother and a million mothers before me flashed before my eyes. I mean, we KNOW that is what’s going on, maybe there’s a newer, more modern and original way of saying “Hey, your kid is distracted and we’ve got to figure it out or he/she is gonna blow it totally.”

And high school….oh boy, I mean high school is not forgiving in any way. And he goes on and on and on about his drivers license. I’m like HA…you think your getting a drivers license with those grades? Think again Mr. Man. And if you think you can get it without my permission, you are sadly mistaken. He was recently quite distressed to learn that news, which he had to verify with someone else b/c you know…I’m totally full of shit.

If I had the money, I’d stick his ass in private alternative school immediately. I’m terribly concerned about these next few years of school. He’s got the foundation, a loving family, a ton of support…we are getting him a private tutor….it’s up to him. Right?

I wish I could say that I was comfortable with just letting it be, living within my spirit and knowing that it’s up to him, that he’ll be protected…that he can get through this and he’s got to do a lot of it on his own.

The truth is, I worry endlessly. Every night I sit there and think….what has to happen for this kid to get this under control? What more can I do? How many more times do I need to communicate with the teachers? As much as it takes, I know.

At what point in life do you have to take a step back and let these kids figure it out on their own? This could very well be all my fault in the first place, for not giving him the skills to be independent….to function in the world, to be capable…

The fact that children come with no manual and really you are left out in the cold as a parent with all you know from what the world has taught you about being a parent…and a child…has got to be the biggest pile of steaming bullshit on the face of the planet. It is simply not fair that we all want better for our children but don’t know always know how to make that happen. It’s also not fair that you can’t like go back a few years and change this or that…I wish I lived on an episode of Bewitched. I always thought I’d make a much better Samantha anyway.

We’ve come too far to blow it now; I want so much for him. I want him to not have to work so hard in life to succeed and to know that life can be fun and not end up a statistic of a young, teen mother.

Even Homer Simpson who strangles his kids has brilliant, studious little Lisa Simpson…what does it all mean? That you can struggle and work hard and still end up with a Bart OR you can be a total looser of a parent and still end up with a Lisa? The grand question mark of parenting, yes?

Whether I have a Lisa or a Bart, I love him either way...I just wish I hadn't infected him with my 'difficult life' germ, I'd wanted so badly for him to be immunized against that when he was born...but I guess they don't give that to kids on Medicaid born to homeless 16 year old in California. Sucks for him eh?

Foggy Fridays

Fog isn't something you see a lot in Denver, especially not this thick. It's very pretty, but fog does have ominous undertones to me for some reason. Probably all those B horror flicks from my youth. The Fog, dun dun dun!!!!!! I always rather enjoyed it in San Francisco though, it has a smell. Like salty ocean water and fresh rain. I miss San Francisco sometimes, the vibrancy of the living there and the openness of the culture. I miss living in the city sometimes, the energies that exist with tens of thousands of people packed into square miles. I also miss the water, it feels like to long since I saw it last.

I am a bit foggy myself today, so it is fitting weather outside for my mood. Not melancholy in any way, just sort of out of it. I think I am pulling out of this sinus thing, but this past week feels like a blur of domestic existence, work, driving in my car and floating in water. The highlight of my week was definitely seeing Mary yesterday. I was able to get go to her earlier than we'd planned, so it was nice to steal her for a whole afternoon. I could tell she was tired, so I appreciate she stuck it out and gave me some food for thought.

This week we also got Mj registered for High School (if anyone had any doubt that he is in fact a full fledged teenager, let that doubt now cease) and he picked some great electives. I am excited for him, High School will be a lot of fun for him I think. I also finalized the child support order and Sean should receive notification within the next few weeks. I am a bit anxious about it, but I am grateful that it is now in motion. It would be great, if by some miraculous stage of events, we can all find a way to make this thing work so that ultimately it benefits Max and harms no one else. Either that, or that Sean would just go away until Max is older and let us live our lives without this constant distraction Max experiences over his Dad. That's probably not very nice and could be interpreted in many ways....but the impact Max's father has had on him in recent years has not been a good one, it's been extremely confusing for Max and he's still working desperately to figure out what this is all about. Now it is in the hands of the courts though and there is some relief for Max and I both in this.

This weekend I am going to have to work a bit to make up some time for being sick, go to my friends Bday party Sat night and hopefully just get caught up on some rest. I have all these plans, but my body may have other plans in mind. It's hard to say, we'll play it by ear.

C got his new laptop, let me just say that Mac's rock and I want one. Very lovely little pieces of wires and bits they are, I have a strange love affair with technology and all of its hardware. Sometimes I loathe it and feel inspired to completely break away entirely from the depths of dependence on it which engulfs my life. Other times, I could totally loose myself in all of it and get totally wired in. It becomes like a drug, technology and the internet. You become dependant on it and trust me, it is dependant on us The concept of technology as it's own live entity is real to me b/c I can see the inner workings of the logic behind it all and if you think of the cumulative effort by hundreds of thousands of programmers, IT professionals, web designers and administrators and so on to create their own little piece of the mega-pie, you are looking at a large collective thought process all moving in one forward motion. As a whole, a unit, with a similar intent. Then consider the millions of earthlings across the planet who are plugged into all of this information and have a regular user experience, that daily interaction with this information and technical process compounds the collective energy we are all putting into this technology. It's pretty massive.

eh eh, back to my programming....my precious.

It's Official

I like fruit again. Specifically berries and melon, especially blackberries (mmmmm, Homer like blackberry) and honeydew. Kiwi is also at the top of my list. I don't eat Mango's though, Mango's are not cannibalistic you see so I am simply physically unable to actually eat one, otherwise I'd be committing a tree fruit atrocity and then Chance would yell at me.

Today is the dentist. Booooooooooooooo, hissssssssssssssssssssss.
But I'm going, I'm going already.

Anti-botics also might be in order, I think I have a sinus infection...those generally do not go away on their own with me. Booooooooooooooo, hissssssssssssssssssssss.
But I'm going, I'm going already.

News Flash: Mary's daughter Kate has 2 very exciting educational opportunities to finish her graduate school...one of them from Yale! Freaking insane...these kids. Mary's son Daniel is going to NYU to major in Acting. I am so proud of these kids. The determination and perseverance they show in striving to achieve their goals is unwavering and totally inspiring. It helps to have a loving, supportive and nurturing family too! YAY Kate & Daniel! WOOT WOOT!

I watched this last night with Chance....
http://www.anunreasonableman.com/
I thought it was excellent, I had no idea how much ole Ralph had contributed so much to consumer safety and watch dog groups in the past 50 years. Pretty amazing dude, too bad he ended up as a scapegoat these past two elections. He really may have made on helluva president. Certainly we all know now that anything would've been better then Bush-nut.

Also, I'd like to pose this question....where in the world is Micheal Moore? Did he just like dissappear of the face of the earth or something? Chance and I think he might have been a left-gate keeper all along....but it's hard to say whether he was one from the beginning or turned into one after Farenheight 911. Certainly he owes me no explanation, I am just curious...I always thought he was a rather humrous artist out in the world trying to convey a message.

Off to worky work for me....watch as she silent creeps back into work mode and then quickly retreats out the door to the doctors office in which she will be poked and prodded and irritated, but she never waivers or whines...she is the strong and Mighty Tree Fruit!

Medication Induced Distraction

Hmmm, wonder if it's time to go home yet?

Dang, it's not.

I should be slaving away, writing code and optimizing my SQL queries...but I'm bored of that for today. I am heavily medicated and thus prone to distraction. I can't help it, it's not my fault. That's what I would say if I were 14 again. Max has gotten wise to using this sort of language with people, we all fall for it at least once or twice, but he keeps at it far after 'Adult Y' has gotten hip to his game. The man-child is persistent, I'll give him that. Now if only we could convince him to use his powers for GOOD!

I can hear today, isn't that nice? It doesn't sound like a swarm of bee's navigating the spaces in my ears. I'd definitely prefer that it doesn't sound like that and that I can actually hear people talking to me.

I can also open my eyes most of the way, this is also a good sign. This means that my face does not in fact, resemble a series of balloons tired together and that's good.

So now all that's left is this headache, nothing is draining (isn't that a pleasant word?) yet...so I am sure once it all comes out, the pressure will be relieved and I will get back to normal.

The Time Nazi's at my work sent me a report today. I cringe every time I see that report. We still log hours in two applications, why this is I cannot exactly tell you. The entire development team is completely at a loss about why we would still use 2 applications when one does the trick for reporting purposes to cooperate, but either we as the silly little developer children do not know what we are talking about OR our managers know something we don't. Or they don't get it. Or they wish to punish us. I'm not really sure. My supervisor is pretty kick ass, so I doubt it's her intention to make me crazy....but tracking hours, every little detail about the minutia of my day...in 2 applications, double the work....it flips my Type A personality button to "ON" and red lights start flashing and sirens begin screaming. Certainly the cost of doing something 2 or more times a day outweigh the benefits? Multiply that by 10 people. Hello. Not to mention that it's just annoying.

wah wah wah

I'm just cranky. I am sort of unmotivated and lacking of energy these past few days, probably from the head cold from hell mostly and the subsequent series of medications making my life tolerable...Chance is freakishly busy at the moment, these two classes he's taking now are proving more complex and demanding than his first two. I thought that might happen, but I thought I should shut my mouth. Sometimes silence is the best practice.

I am feeling motivated to write again though, so that's kind of fun. I wrote short story this morning, the first I actually followed through with. I can't post it yet as it's pretty personal, but I thought it came out quite well. C is critiquing. Lovers who critique one another's work could be dangerous ground, but we do good. We are both artists in some way or another, so we know how to be constructive without being hurtful. Plus, we respect one another's respective mediums and though I often touch on extremely intimate issues that he is well aware of, he still is able to step outside of himself and read it without getting to absorbed in the personal nature of it all. That's a good skill.

I should go, I'm sorta ready to be done with this day but when I leave here, it's just starting. Such is the life a working mother, no?

wub wub wub wub wubbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

wub wub

~ This is the sound swooshing in my ears ~

wub wub wub

~ This is the the sound of whatever is wooshing up through my cheeks and into my forehead ~

wub wub wub wub

~ This is the sound of the awful grinding my teeth are doing from the sinus medicine and no food ~

wub wub wub wub wubbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

~ This is the sound of my head hitting my desk, one eye open, mouth open...drool dripping ~

???

~ This is the sound of me going home and going to bed ~

To The Makers Of OTC Cold/Sinus Medication

My weekend plans were totally shot. Head cold, creepy thing in my throat...can't focus or think. At work this morning thinking of how warm and snuggly my bed is, would rather be there. But am here, blinding lights and people bothering me. I don't like to be around people when I am not well, I find them extremely irritating.

Today is Crystal's Birthday! Happy Birthday Crystal, I love you! So glad things are moving along swimmingly for you out there in the Northern Pacific. Will call later tonight.

Until then, I have something I'd like to say to the producers of over the counter cold/sinus medications...when someone is sick, they don't want to fight to open your package. Do you really think I have the energy to break open one of those little tamper resistant seals when my head is pounding like a Clydesdale? Sorry, I don't carry scissors in my purse or car to do so with and it's not like they just pop open as the directions imply. Do you think I can read all that fine print about dosage and drug allergy information when my eyeballs are all puffed up from sinus pressure? Do you think I care that your package has a new look? Not to mention the fact that I now have go to the pharmacy, sign my personal information and show a Drivers License in Colorado to purchase Advil Cold/Sinus and a myriad of other formally OTC meds because of the pseudoephedrine content. It's not my fault that the local area meth labs use pseudoephedrine in mass quantities to concoct their poisons that kill people. I'm not trying to contribute to addiction. I'm very sorry for that, I know what that crap can do to people...it's truly awful. I just no longer wish to feel like I am living in an aquarium. That's all, I'm not a criminal....I just want to take some medication and go to sleep. At least set it up so that if I am forced to purchase it from the pharmacy I don't have to sumo wrestle the packaging to get it open.

And no worries that you might loose me as a consumer. I live in a highly populated area of the country. I have a 14 year old who goes to school with 750+ other germ monsters who pass their crud around to each other by sharing food, drinks and who knows what else. I work with 30+ other people, 20% of whom have children under the age of 10, so they bring the germs their kids bring home from their respective schools and child care programs. And then we all pass it around at work. I wash my hands alot, I eat exceptionally well and I try to get enough rest. But my stress level is probably the kicker b/c we live in a stress induced society, and I suffer from anxiety - just like a million and on other people in Denver. So I do get sick some times, I get about 3 - 4 colds a year. Because I am not allowed to have 'down' time as a single (for all intensive purposes) working mother, I must subscribe to using your products in order to get me through the day and on to whatever is next needed from me.

My bottom line, if there is an option for me to purchase your medication in an easier to open package, please make it so. I am 100% for tamper resistant medication bottles, I love children and animals and I want to see them all grow up and be healthy and they are curious little boogers and get into everything sometimes, so the need is obvious. However, I am a full grown adult and I would just like to open up that packaging, take that happy little pill that's going to make my otherwise miserable cold a whole lot more manageable...without banging my head against the wall and ending up in tears in the process. You don't want to be responsible for my nervous breakdown, now do you?

That is all.

Mango's Don't Dance, They Boogey (Getchyo Boogey On)

Weekend To Do List:

Thursday (Someday my weekends will start on Thursday)
- Clean house after work
- Make dinner for the Monkey Men
- Research music download software (Bearshare and I are no longer friends)
- Start more laundry (Someday I won't have to do laundry either)

Thursday, 4:30 Update....
It's snowing like madness outside. I slipped and slid all the way home and now, I now not feeling even remotely interested in cleaning the house. Pooey on that. We are snuggling up with blankies and taking naps, reading until Chance gets home. All of us. The house will wait and so will all this other stuff that sucks up my time. It'll all be there tomorrow.

What does this say about me? That I am either a terrible, lazy procrastinator ~ OR ~ I will take this opportunity as it has been presented to me to lay on my couch and spend some quiet time with Max while the snow huddles us all into our homes while it blusters and blows outside.

Guess it depends on how you look at it , eh?

Friday
- Old Navy after work (Old Navy has my favorite jeans. And some uber cute sweaters at the moment - Thanks Mary!)
- Walk the Kasha butt (I mean mutt)
- Make grocery list
- Make dinner with Chance and chill (it's Friday yo)

Saturday
- Macy's (Unmentionable shopping, yay me! Might also get some new shoes, need new ones for the gym - thanks Mary!)
- Vitamin Cottage (MUCH cheaper than Whole Foods/Wild Oats and overall, good selection. It's not much higher than shopping at Safeway)
- Go To Comcast (also known as Buttcast) and discontinue cable television (Bad TV)
- Go home, make Max some lunch
- Walk the Kasha butt (I mean mutt)
- Visit Mary
- Call Progressive about the Baby Jetta ouchie and get that rolling
- Come home to a warm and loving and quiet house

Sunday
- Walk the Kasha butt (I mean mutt)
- Sign Up For Vonage
- Cook
I want to cook a few meals I can throw in the fridge, have for lunches ect
- Sleep/Rest
- Finish Laundry

Weekend To Don't List:
Mango will get her boogey on, but quietly and with no distractions. (either internal/external)
Mango and Monkey Man/Boy will have some quiet and undistracted time together as well.
Mango will be detoxing all weekend, so no wine, no sugar, no white starches AND NO poo poo thoughts. BAD POO POO!
Mango will meet Monday well rested and ready to face the week.

License To Pill

License To Pill
http://www.cafeoflifepikespeak.com/Videos/Licensed%20To%20Pill.swf

Random, But Not Aimless, Thoughts From The Igloo

Cheney is the 'Vice Decider' He is the Vice President and we are not.

http://digg.com/political_opinion/Cheney_I_m_the_Vice_President_and_they_re_not
Well, sadly yes. But, this sounds like something I would've said in kindergarten. "Well I'm Tracy's best friend and YOUR not! NEENER NEENER BOO BOO!" Sigh. It's a good thing I don't actually subject myself to him visually or even allow myself to listen to his voice, otherwise....I'd probably implode. Chance says he is of the Lizard People, it's certainly possible he is right.

Today I am Moon. Jan 31 2007.
It's almost the full moon, tomorrow she will be 100% full in all her lovely glory. Should the snow decide to part ways long enough for me to gaze upon her beauty, I will be happy and if not, I will eagerly await until next month. Along with C, I am hoping to learn how to adequately photograph in the night. Specifically because I wish to collect images of The Moon in all the ways in which it moves me.

Pronia
Felt ready last night to engage in the book my Aunty MB sent during the Holidays, it's been whispering to me for some time. I generally have sense about books, I believe my initial sense about this one was true...though I imagine I've only just begun in it's delights. So far, it is quite inspiring not to mention a lot of fun to read.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1583941231/qid=1117646708/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/104-8057749-8169518?s=books&v=glance&n=283155

Mj
Last night I talked primarily about Mj with G. It finally dawned on me that my little Monkey Boy is in almost total denial about the real things in life that can be scary or difficult to deal with. He's all about the positive and enjoyable things. But, otherwise....he simply denies the existence of things that upset him. This ranges from issues relating to his father, my own faults (apparently he protects me to the ends of the Earth), that war is real, that he has to deal with bullies at school (like all kids) and that he is actually failing some classes. I think he feels like admitting these things will some how make it more real and thus, he'll have to deal with it. I guess that's the standard definition of 'denial' correct? I guess we can add this to the list of things to work on. For he and I both I suppose.

Work
I should be getting back..I am in demand. Generally, between work and Mj and my house...I am always In Demand. Job security eh?

Peace
S

A quick hellor from The Mango Tigger

My Birthday was great. Thanks to you all for your cards, phone calls, emails and gifts. My Aunty MB sent me this AWESOME necklace from India, I love it! It feels foreign and authentic and lovely, I will post pictures of me w/ it on soon. My lunch didn't quite work out as planned by Miss Sassy Sandypants slapped me around a little and told me to get over it and to come out and meet her for lunch. So I did, and that was good. It was nice to see her, I miss having girlfriends. I used to be surrounded by them and now, they are few and far between....except I have a ton of lovely ladies in my life, but they are like sisters, mothers and aunties more than just 'friends'...so anyway, you know what I'm getting at. Fun was had by all Saturday and it wasn't even that painful the next day, but I am DEFINITELY ready to get back on the detox wagon. I like feeling healthy. It's way better than not...so onward ho...Detox And Sarah once again meet. I have some tea's and tinctures and other magical things to help move things along. It's a good start.

Max is happy as a clam (girls, I'm sure of it) and is more anxious than usual to cooperate. It's either girls or he wants something and hasn't said so yet, time will tell.

Chance and I haven't seen each other in a few days it seems, when he is in school he is off on his own planet. That's ok, I enjoy it when he comes home to Mango now and then. His pics are turning out awesome! Will post more to Snapfish when I have permission from the Grand Pumba himself.

I should run, just writing when I can....btw: I've now dropped 10 LBS! SCORE! I hope this keeps up, at sometime the weight loss will plateau and I'll have to get serious about exercising to make mah bod shockingly hot....but, I'll cross that when I get there;)

Peace all.

I Will Have Patience

I will have patience
I will have patience
I will have patience
I will have patience
I will have patience
I will have patience
I will have patience

Aw hell, it's almost my Birthday...I can start talking about it

Extremely unmotivated and unfocused at work today, I feel excited about something but I'm not sure what it is exactly. It could be anxiousness too, sometimes those two things mix and mingle within me.

It might be my Birthday. I can't help it, I like my Birthday. I like Birthdays in general. I like to celebrate another year of blessed life, certainly just breathing another 365 days is worthy of spending one (or 3) days celebrating? (Note to self: Goal for 2007 - enjoy breathing EVERY day)

31 this year. Does this mean that I'm kind of big girl now? From the outside, it probably does. I've got a good start on the middle aged gut and I seem to have to use ALOT more moisturizer these days on the eye crinkles. But that's not what I meant. I mean any Joe of the street would look at my life and say, "Damn, you've done pretty well for yourself" at least from an external glance. I've got the kid, the man, the job, the house, I've definitely got the atypical life of someone you might consider a 'adult.' Additionally, there are some marked shifts in my mental, emotional and spiritual perspectives that I am learning can only come from experience. Whether it takes 20, 30, 50 years to figure it all out is another matter all together, depending on the life form. This particular life form has made some progress, a step or two back, but generally moving forward. Making progress. Doing big girl things and pretty happy about it all over all.

It's a little sad though that I am haunted by a much smaller girl. I don't find myself longing to be a child again in any way, but I've recently been revisiting some of the area's in which I act out and where that stems from. Not surprisingly to probably everyone in the room, except me for some unknown reason (probably denial) I've come to what I believe to be the fundamental root of this sort of irritating thorny bush that lashes out from time to time. It's really simple and painfully obvious, are you ready?

I was dealt a rather full of hand of responsibility at a pretty young age. And I think that I have this desire to have NO responsibility once in a while, because I'm not sure I remember a time in life where I was not responsible for something pretty major. Plus I don't always know how to cope. Cope with what was and what is. I've just dealt with it. I just 'deal.' I've always just handled it. Because this is the way that it is, crying about it doesn't change it right? Well sure, this is just the way it is. Deal with it! But guess what? Denial doesn't stop it from worming out at the most inconvenient moments.

I know, your all probably thinking, "Well duh Sarah" because a lot of people can put two and two together and see that 16 year old + baby = handful for almost anyone. I've come to realize it goes much farther than all of that. I could never have taken care of Max on my own, away from home, with all sorts of mad dysfunction occurring around me if I wasn't already some how prepared for maximum responsibility with minimum skills. Obviously, there was some experience with this prior to Max coming into the picture. Lucky for him, you add a little common sense and probably some instinct too and he's faired out of it pretty well so far.

So now that I've uncovered this shocking layer of information about myself (har har) there is the cold hard fact that whatever this part of me is that acts out like a little child, a child that practically forces her environment to allow her to be spoiled and selfish and irresponsible, must be dealt with. Spoiling a child does nothing to help her grow, nurturing her on the other hand, is self explanatory.

In the spirit of being a big girl and doing big girl things, I guess it's time for me to deal with that little girl that's crying out in a big way for some attention? It all sounds new age doesn't it? Loving your inner child? Maybe so, but a transition that has occurred within me this past year has a lot to do with me getting real about reality and this is part of mine. It may sound like whining to alot of people, I guess I don't need to explain to them that I've been pretty tough for a pretty long time. It's ok for me to delve into surgery now instead of just slapping a band aid on it. Freeing myself of all that baggage is a good start.

See what I learned this year? I guess I am growing up to be a big girl, huh? See I'm so good. (everyon clap and cheer now)

Oh yeah, I also learned this past year that life is moving swiftly by whether I want it or not and having everything you want in the world doesn't mean jack shit unless you are happy with yourself. It's what you make of it?!

Man, simple truths go a long way eh?

peace all.

Yeaaaaaaaah BUDDY

Worked out 30 mins on the Eliptical (thanks Gayle) and did some sit ups. Feel good, feel real good. Now, let us all bow our heads (YEAH MANGO, DUH!) and rejoice in the very natural and easily acheived high that follows a good heart beating, neck sweating, legs burning, ab crunching work out. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH BUDDY!

Oh yeah and I got some pics of C's new class work on Snap Fish as promised.

Check them out here...

Monday Creeps

There is a song by Massive Attack entitled "Inertia Creeps." The mood of that song is my general mood today, sort of funky and bluesy but not sad or down - just sort of in between it all.

This weekend I spent too much time on the couch, in which Max promptly called me out on that. I told him he might understand more when he's grown and has a job, family and house of his own. That mostly just made him mad, like I'd some how disrespected him by pointing out the facts. I had a rough week last week, I didn't feel the need to explain that to him or anyone else. Sometimes, I just want to lay on the couch, watch chick movies and take naps. What's the big deal?

Chance worked on his first photographic project all weekend and his pictures turned out amazing. I'll post them on the SnapFish account for your viewing pleasure. We did a lot of brainstorming and he seemed to go out of his way to include me. He was also being extra attentive, sweet, courteous and gentle this past weekend. Perhaps we made an unspoken pact to just be a whole lot nicer to each other and see how that works out? In reflection, I am laughing at this because it seems quite simple but sometimes, it is not just that simple. Chance is a good egg, and I am a good Mango...no one ever said this would be easy right? Someone told me recently it was harder sometimes to stay together than walk away...I think she's right. Not in terms of commitments, but in terms of living life day to day...dealing with it all, allowing yourself to be happy and fulfilled by it all.

Kasha has fully acclimated to her new surroundings and has no qualms about making it perfectly clear that this is her house and she should be the one in control at all times. Her love for Chance is only exceeded by her instinctual need to try and eat the hamster if given an opportunity to get within a foot of it. Anyone want a hamster? I feel bad for him, I am rather fond of him but we simply cannot have him in the same room with her or her tunnel vision kicks in. Note to self: Next time you bring an animal home, think of what it's instincts truly are. Jack Russel Terriers are bred to hunt small rodents. Mr. Wiggles is a small rodent. Obviously I've erred on this one. Ah well, Mr. Wiggles is generally happy just running on his wheel and stuffing his cheeks full of whatever is available. Not a very complicated life.

I am happy to report that since Jan 2 2007 I've lost 5 lbs total. This may not seem like very much, but it's a big deal to me. The reason for this is because I don't feel like I am on a diet and THAT is a fantastic thing to me. Granted, I must carefully read and reread every ingredient of almost everything I put into my mouth, much like many of the past diets I've attempted. Luckily, this feels more like a lifestyle change and THAT in and of itself is the best part of all of it. Not a diet, I am basically having to learn how to eat again. Being a vegetarian off and on most of my life gives me an edge here so I am grateful for that, but it's still a huge step. I feel so much better, attitude and energy increase every single day. Next is getting my 30 - 60 mins a day of exercise, that has been a bit of a challenge. Not sure why, probably b/c I've gotten lazy and love to claim "I don't have the time" even though I really need to figure out a way to "have the time" or else I'll keep shaving years off of my life. Which is totally not in accord with what I am hoping to achieve by changing my eating habits. All I can say is thank the good green Mother Earth for all the plentiful opportunities given to us to be healthy, let it shine unto me and let me be thankful in my acceptance.

Birthdays coming up. Matty and I. Happy Birthday Bratty Matty! I am having a get together lunch with a few family and friends at PFChangs (Yum!) and later that evening Matt, Helen, Chance and myself will probably hit a local bar for a night out. I'm not quite sure where yet, my problem is that loud, obnoxious and pretentious club environments are no longer interesting to me. It's all so fake...not to mention overpriced. So, we'll see...but a night out is long over due for this Mango...it's been MONTHS!

I should be wrapping up, I have a rather busy week ahead of me at work (and at home) if I wish to spend my Birthday weekend doing as I please. I know it's selfish, but hey....I'm learning that 'selfish' is not the same as 'doing things for myself'

peace

Life Satisfaction - The Questionable Question

Let's discuss general life satisfaction.

What defines the level in which you feel satisfied with your life? Is it success? What does success mean to you? Is it based on your relationships? Love? Body image? Internal self? Intelligence?

What and/or who impacts your over all level of satisfication with your current state? When you reach it, how do you know it?

Torture For Fun?

Max and I have dentist appointments in early February. I despise the Dentist. I despise it even more than getting a pap smear. I mean, I really dislike the process.

The sounds, the scratching and tugging and pulling. And wouldn't you just know it....I have the biggest mouth in the world, but because my jaw line is so strong and defined there isn't a whole lot of room in their for hands, thus my jaws generally ache after an exam.

Ever heard of scaling? Google "Scaling Procedures" I like how the descriptions are so perky sounding, like folks are just lining up to get their gums peeled. I have to get my teeth scaled once a year. Something about calculus build up or some such dental term that escapes me. It's totally horrendous. I have to bring music, they tried to give me nitrous last time (to make it less painful) and it made me very ill. I had to put it off another week, which means more waiting and more anxiety. I cannot eat for at least 3 days afterward and my mouth aches, like someone ripped barb wire through it. Anything cold or warm to drink, hurts. So kids, take care of your gums or else you'll end up in the hot seat on this one.

I won't lie and pretend I floss alot, because I'm pretty bad about it...I just don't like hands in my mouth. But I do brush and rinse alot, so my teeth are in good shape over all. Except the calculus build up. That part is a drag.

And poor Max, he inherited his fathers teeth which are truly terrible. I feel bad for him only b/c I imagine my dentistry nightmares will pale in comparison to his. Poor kid:( Good thing he's not a big baby like me, I can handle almost any kind of pain...but this for me is almost unbearable. Oh yes and I'm taking up a collection fund for Max's braces. Wanna know how much they cost these days? HA...and he thinks he's getting a car......shhyyeeeeeeeeah....and monkeys will fly out of my butt!

Apparently, there IS profit in needless torture.

I know I shouldn't be complaining, I mean the world is filled with people who cannot afford or do not have access to any kind of dental care. That's terrible, everyone has the right quality health care of every kind. I'll try to think of this when my nerves are exposed and I can't move and their is a stranger leaning over me and breathing all over me. blech.

01/18/2007

It is obscenely cold in my office this morning, I'm sitting here munching grapes and pineapple and trying to get moving for the day. Got to the office at 6 am today. It's pitch black out, but quite on the roads and I enjoy the lull in traffic on my drive in. Not sleeping so great these days, stress, lack of exercise...I'm sure it's all related. I am eating incredibly good for me though and that feels fantastic, I'm sure that has something to do with my energy level which has been higher in these past few weeks than it has in the past few months. Thinking of doing some fasting, not sure if I am ready for that just yet. I get a very strange sort of energy when I don't eat, like my body and mind will race and then I'll just collapse but cannot sleep. It's not always very pleasant, but I do see the detoxifying purposes and that, more than anything is why I'd like to research it further.

I just noticed that the calendar says January 18th 2007. I'm not quite ready for it to be the middle of January already, I'm still stuck somewhere in November 2006. It's been a pretty bizarre few months with the Holidays, Snow and various levels of healthy issues (for friends and myself.) I'm ready to get back in the groove, to get normalized....I like consistency. Chance says I don't adapt well to change and this is a major pitfall between us, he's probably right on that. In the past, the changes in my life have been sudden, severe and usually totally out of my control. Change have often represented some sort of trauma. Moving to Colorado from Wisconsin, moving from Colorado to California, moving back to Colorado....travel of some sort when I was younger was always associated with some awful event. Court dates, my Uncle was sick at one point and it was thought he would pass, running away from home to escape, running back home to escape (see how that works?) etc...etc...I always enjoyed my trips to see my GramE and Grandpa John though, I looked forward to that travel. It was always fun. But otherwise, big changes = one very frightened and timid little Mango. I don't like that. It makes me far to vulnerable. Not to mention out of control. Two very uncomfortable places for me.

Sometimes I feel pretty screwed up. The entrails of my psychological problems seem endless. Maybe, my view of myself and this life are far too serious for any level of peace. Or maybe I just don't know how to live without drama. Chance would say its feeling sorry for myself, I guess that's possible though if I sat around feeling sorry for myself I certainly wouldn't be in the position I am in life, but I digress.

Someone very wise recently said to me "Sure, my life has been screwed up. Awful things have been done to me and I've made some mistakes along the way. But it doesn't give me an excuse to live like some crazy person. To live in a state of depression, or become an alcoholic or abuse my children. I have to live each day like I'm NOT really screwed up, like I am totally stable and that this life really IS good." Or something like that anyway...very powerful words. Fake it till you make it or something right? This wise person by the way, is a very no nonsense type of person. I respond to that quite well, I appreciate directness. I appreciate truthiness.

Brrr. A little heat would be nice, jeez people. I think my office is menopausal. Hot, cold, hot, cold. Sip warm Chai, makes all the difference. Tea and I are friends this winter, I drink massive quantities of tea in various forms. Chai, black, white, green, pear...what a marvelous invention....bless the ancient elders for figuring it out for us!

Max is in a particularly charming and divine mood lately. His eyes actually do this twinkly thing when he's in this mood, it's very interesting. His eyes are so blue and with that sparkly thing going on, they are quite captivating. It's so true isn't it, the eyes and what they can tell you about a person. I think there may be a girl involved. Max has recently discovered (or is in the process of doing so) that he is quite the handsome young man and that girls like him. He always complains about how most of his life being around primarily woman has been a nuisance. I suspect his mind will change on that on that as he matures. He has a unique level of understanding about the female nature, perhaps more than a lot of men. It will serve him well. That and his good looks probably won't hurt.

Chance is back in school and it's exciting to see him doing lab work. He's taking pictures now pretty actively, he's gotten some lovely shots these past few weeks. Some are really breathtaking. He is going snowshoeing with the infamous Andy this weekend, I know they'll have a great time and he'll get some great shots. All this snow does make for some gorgeous scenery in Colorado. Except all the nasty black and charcoal looking stuff on the side of the streets, that part is a little gross.

Off to work for me. This weeks seems to be dragging for an eternity, 4 weeks straight of 3 and 4 day weekends has taken it's toll on my schedule. Ah well, one 2 more days and then the weekend. We are going bowling with Max and the neighbor kid tomorrow night, they are excited. I'm sure there will be girls there too. I think I'll kick everyone's butt in bowling, I'm not going soft on them this time.

Laters gators, love you all.
S

Casualties

The fact that the American media is beginning to report Iraqi causalities is pretty shocking, it was on the front Google New page today for the first time since I've been reading those headlines.

http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601100&sid=anMFwx_d4jwA&refer=germany

Though the #'s reported by American media differ greatly from other sources such as www.IraqBodyCount.org, to me it's still a huge leap in terms of information. It's about flipping time that the American public have some sense of the # of Iraqi deaths compared to American casualties. Our children aren't the only ones dying. I don't think we can even fathom the depths of the violence.

Another rather interesting turn in the American Media machine is Keith Olbermen's rise on the typically right leaning MSNBC cable new station. Sure, his show still reports on Brittany Spears and her new canine or how Angelina Jolie thinks Madonna's adoption is 'risky' (sigh) but that crap still serves as news to the average viewer. Generally those stories have an openly mocking tone and I guess it serves it's purpose, reporting on some bubble head and her Chihuahua compared to the lies spilling forth from Tony Snow's mouth provides a glimpse of the stark contrast in information (and priority) in our media culture today.

My highest hope for openly critical thought of our culture and government on the television we pay insidious amounts of money to watch is Stephen Colbert's secret weapon. Factiness.

Fake It Till You Make It

I'd be lying if I said I were feeling positive today, but two phrases come to mind.....

"Just keep swimming." (Dory, Finding Nemo)
"Fake it till you make it." (Who knows who was the first to birth this little beauty, but it's been used in many a support group for eons now...simple, yet effective)

I cannot help it that I am frustrated with C today. Sometimes I feel I am not allowed to have less than loving feelings toward him because, you know...he IS a great guy (which he would quickly remind you if you were to challenge him otherwise) and I do love him from the depths of my very being. However, lately he's been really dropping the ball in some area's and it is difficult for me to NOT point this out as I (unfortunately for him) am quick to call bullshit when I see it. And I'm not particularly tolerant of said bullshit. This is not to say that I am a perfect peach to be in a relationship with. The fact is that I am pretty neurotic. I have moments of absolute insecurity, child like vulnerability and stubborn obstinance. Oh and I'm terribly impatient, especially with him. Why? Well...because I can be I suppose. Unfair? Well sure, but life is a bitch some times you know. Get over it. We all tolerate a certain amount unsavory behaviors from one another, it is the way relationships work. You got my back, I've got yours in spite of our flaws. But this does not negate the fact that Mr. Man is so on my list at the moment and let me assure you, it is not due to some trivial argument or because I am prone to hormonal tirades. Nope, it really is that I am that pissed at him and I'm allowed to be. Surely, I will get a tongue lashing for publicly blasting him on my blogg...but you see, this is MY blogg and it is my medium for journaling and discussing current issues. I don't have to apologize, nor do I need to explain myself to him or anyone else. I am not making things up here, I am not exaggerating....I can't help the way I feel, and I can't help that I have to get it out because I feel incredibly alone when I cannot put out to the Universe how I am feeling about someone or a situation. I don't need to go into details, but one thing I know for certain is that at some point the fact that you love someone no longer becomes the question, it's the behavior that becomes questionable and at what point do you stand up and say "Um, excuse me...but we have a problem here." ????

Funny thing is, I feel great about myself at the moment...in spite of a few minor slips, I've been eating fantastically for 2 full weeks and physically I feel great. Things are organized at home, the basement is finally in good shape. I've gotten a ton of work done (in spite of creepy stomach critters trying to make my life hell last week) and I sort of feel like I'm getting on track with Max. Therapy is helping a ton with him, he doesn't always like me...but I do think he's 'getting it' that alot of his frustrations have alot more to do with his father and less to do with me. It is sometimes hard to tell how much of what is going on with him is because of his Dad and how much of it is normal teenage boy stuff, but either way...we've been talking alot about respect as of late and he's not sliding by with me on too much lately.

Aha moment: There's been some serious whip cracking going on my house lately, some area's in which I've brought to the surface the realities of some of our situations and trust me, I am bearing the brunt of all this reality. She who brings it, deals with it I suppose. That would explain the denial and blatant domineering arrogance that I find myself faced with as of late. From both of them.

What I am learning? That these two aren't always going to like me. I have to learn how to be ok with that. In fact I am often on the receiving end of a good portion of their ego trips and self-absorbed behaviors, which very frankly make me want to strangle them both. I do my best to be a nurturing mother and partner. But that doesn't mean I have to coddle or cater to these men or anyone else. And I will not. I cannot help it that I have a bullshit shield a mile thick. I can't help that I'll call someone out on it if need be. I can't help that I am not subserviant and I don't always just deal with it for the sake of making everyone elses life easier. And I also can't help if they dislike me for it or want to act out toward me for it, so be it. Even the kindness Momma Bears have to bust their cubs upside the head once and a while, figuratively speaking of course. Thwwwaaaaaap KNOCK IT OFF!

I guess I just wish it didn't always have to be me. Some times, it just wears me out. This Momma Bear would much rather be tip toeing gracefully through the woods (with newly manicured paws thank you) and writing down thoughtful things than thumping thick heads.

sigh.

5 Favorite Things About A Vegan Lifestyle

1) My heart and spirit are not riddled with guilt and angst each time I eat, I am not supporting an industry that contributes to massive
2) Food tastes better to me than it has in years. I CRAVE veggies and whole grains, I LOVE the way it tastes, the textures and colors.
3) I feel better physically than I have in quite some time, less bloated and far less run down feeling over all.
4) Experimenting with foods and recipes is something I look forward to rather than dread, cutting up tofu doesn't involved tendons and skin. That's good for me.
5) I can eat peanut butter. I love peanut butter, it is one of my favoritist foods in the whole world and the idea that I can have my peanut butter and jelly more regularly makes me a very happy Mango.

YAY Peanut Butter!

In This Lifetime List....

In the spirit of the laws of attraction and dreaming big...I've started a list. A list of things I'd like to see, do..be..in my lifetime.

I've started another blogg in honor of this effort as I believe it is an entirely unique process unto it's own entirely.

You can visit it here....

http://inthislifetimelist.blogspot.com/

Don't expect proper grammer, uniform sentences or even complete spelling. It's a list where I'll jot it down if I think of it and give it to the Universe to do as it will....

Afterthought: One should likely be careful what one wishes for?

peace.

Little Miss Sunshine

Will post more soon....have this outrageously long ode to the New Year drafted and it's just to long to really get into at the moment. But rest assured....life is good and all is well, we are just acclimating to work schedules and getting back on track after the weather and Holidays.

Will write more soon, love you all.

BTW: If you haven't seen "Little Miss Sunshine" I highly recommend it. She is now my hero.

I must have been a extra-good Mango this year! WHOA

How spoiled I was this year! Oh my goodness, you'd think I won a Nobel Peace prize or something!

My Grandparents in WA sent the always most appreciated cashola gift, cuz I am perpetually without cash (though that is getting better) and they always help so much, bless their hearts.

My Aunty MB sent me some glorious homemade candles that smell absolutely sinful, a very interesting looking book that C recognized immediately and thought I would enjoy it tremendously. AND...in a small, neatly wrapped little package....a precious goddess candle that I put in my pocket and kept with me the whole day after I opened it.

My Aunt Marcy sent me a lovely handmade scarf, very soft and made with love, of course! Oh yeas.....and fudge of course! Delish!

Mary-Momma spoiled me rotten as usual with all sorts of comforting things. Soft purple pajama's that make me feel like a princess, fuzzy white slippers, lotions and potions...a new book that looks uber interesting and this really cool pen. Once Chance gets out of my 'office' space and gets into his own, I'm going to have room to make that desk MINE and the pen...will be there...and not touched by anyone cuz it's really neat and it's MINE. I don't like to share sometimes;( Sorry everyone. Oh oh and some very generous gift certificates to go buy myself some more updated clothing and finally, some other new unmentionables that I've needed FOREVER!

Gayle & Jeff gave me these two cute hoodies, one is blue and very soft and has butterflies and neat spritey things all over it...and the other is DKNY...which is always cooooozy! Smelly good candle, I love it...that goes in our room, my side of the bed (wink) and some fun flavored oils to use in the kitchen. And Jeff's mom sent over a lovely Christmas bouquet with roses and other pretty things. Aw, so sweet.

Chance spoiled me terribly. Guess what he got for me? He's getting me a membership to our local rec center, with 3 visits with a personal trainer! AND AND AND.....he's going to have someone come clean the house for us once a week for a while to help me get on top of things....but mostly, so I can not worry as much about what needs to be done around the house....and work on MYSELF! What a guy:) Course, it ultimately benefits him as well cuz a healthy Mango is a happy Mango...not to mention a hotter Mango:) C also got me some fun items for my car, a beautiful (and very gothy, my fav!) necklace and earrings, and a Tibetan style candle holder...with very scrumptious earthy type candles. He did very good this year and I am proud of him for all the effort he made.

Good job C!

Max wasn't able to go shopping due to the snow...oh yes, the snow. Pretty much jacked up all of our plans and sort of made the whole thing chaotic. I have a zillion phone calls/emails to return to family and friends...sorry to my GramE & Aunty MB, Crystal and RoseBud...and Sandy...and so on. I'll catch up. I'm pretty behind at work b/c of the snow so this week promises to be hectic. I'll do the best I can.

Oh yes and Maxter...well the kid made out like a bandit...I'll post pictures of his glee:)

Am not one to support the commercialism and insane consumerism that goes on during the Holidays...but I will say this, it is fun to be thought of and for the people in my life to be so giving to me and my family. We are truly blessed!

Peace.

It's A Blizzard!

In case any of you are wondering, it's freaking snowing in mass quantities here. I've seen storms like this before here, but this one is pretty nasty. We have about a foot, maybe 14-15 inches since 8 AM this morning and they are saying another foot. The entire city is pretty much shut down, work is already cancelled tomorrow (except I was 'lucky' enough to get a laptop, so I still have to work from home, ah well...makes brownie points with the boss/client) and Max/Chance are also definately off tomorrow.

So, Max gets an extended Holiday break because he was scheduled off on Friday anyway...so as you can imagine, he's pretty friggin happy!

Chance made me a lovely meal, so delicious...he's such a good cook! I got some work done today, but not as much as I'd like.

So, we ar well stocked - warm, safe and with power at the moment. Time to hunker in and hope our luck holds out on the power!

Love you all!

PS: Aunty...I am glad you went to the doc, take care.
PPS: GramE, got your email...will write more soon.
PPPS: MG, we are making peanut butter cookies tonight with free range eggs and organic milk, so I'm feeling better about eating sweets.

Peace
s

Today...I eat chocolate...

Why? Because I like chocolate. It's very tasty and like all things (I am finally learning) it is even better in moderation. A little bit here and there goes a long way, no?

I am particularly fond of 3 Musketeer bars...the are 1/3 less fattening than REGULAR candy bars (ha, like it matters...once your chowing down on a candy bar....the calories are a moot point over all) and is made with a dark chocolatey coating and some sort of fluffy center. I probably don't want to know what that stuff is in the middle. It's probably made out of kitten whiskers or something awful I would never knowingly condone.

The amount of food, products and processes in our culture that are reliant in a destructive way upon the Earth and it's life forms is staggering. I can't read any more PETA, I can't even read the labels of food because I find all descriptions of things that sound strangely chemical or tortuously like another name for kitten whiskers.

Why can't I just have some chocolate with no strangeness in it? I don't want to spend $ on things that are going to contribute to the destructiveness, I just want a piece of damn chocolate. MINUS THE KITTEN WHISKERS please! Minus any animal byproduct...PLEASE!

I am not comfortable with being a carnivore, at all...I hate that it will get snuck in on me in the most random places. Sure, if you buy a candy bar...it's probably got MILK or EGGS or some other dairy product....thus PUS MILK....but, there are chocolates out there that use soy and I can deal with that, if you can find them. argh.

My frustration is....I am only one person, I cannot be held accountable for all the woes and mysteries of the world...even though my other personality would tell you I definitely AM accountable for everything I do that in any way impacts the Earth or another life form. Of course I am. And sometimes, when I am feeling impulsive...that sort of sucks b/c it makes me question my chocolate, glare at all that chocolatey goodness and wonder who it's mother was. MOOOOOO.

~ sigh ~


When did chocolate become my enemy? When did we become the Earth's enemy? :(

There's my rant for the day.....

Snapplefish

Because my poor Aunty has been down with the flu bug and she's always asking for more pics, I thought I'd get some of what we have up on SnapFish.com to help her feel better.

Hope you are feeling better Aunty, Look...I'm a good little sh*t :)

http://www1.snapfish.com/photolibrary/t_=13695325

I love you all, peace...
S

PS: I will post more of Mj as they become available, he's kinda hard to pin down.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Don't think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking your tails straight out and having your tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years ---- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is to kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog's or cat's butts. I cannot stress this enough. To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

RULES FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

1. They live here, you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture).
3. I like my pets better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than some kids........ they eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never
drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear
your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college and if
they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

It's 12/12/2006 And....

• Cynthia McKinney has submitted a bill to impeach President Bush!
  
  


• The House & Senate will have a whole new set of cast members in a matter of weeks.
  
  
• My Mary will be off her feet for a while, so I want to be available to her as much as possible. I'm not sure what to make them for dinner, maybe something Mexicanish.
  
  
• Chance's Mom will be in town on Friday, 12/15/2006 and we have lots of plans to spend time with her.
  
  
• Max will be out of school for almost 3 full weeks on 12/22/2006.
  
  
• I am off work 12/22/2006 - 12/25/2006 (maybe 26th if I can swing it.)
  
  
• Chance and I are both freaking swamped at work
  
  
• Chance is done with school this Friday, 12/15/2006 (Pulling A's we are certain!)
  
  
• Kasha is settling into her routine nicely, though I think we have to work more with Max about patience when walking the wee pee pee dog.
  
  
• Gaia and Pumpkin are slower to adjust, but they are trying. Gaia just waits for Kasha to walk by so she can bat at her in that cute ways that cats do and Pumpkin spends ALOT of time being verbal about her discomfort with the situation. But, it's getting better.
  
  
• Peck will be here from 12/17/2006 - 12/27/2006 and I am hoping desperately to get her to my house for a bit, I want to hug the preggers belly.
  
  
• I haven't talked to one of my best friends in months and we both have too much going on (Sorry Crys)
  
  
• I had a very eventful weekend this past weekend in which I met a major milestone, one I hope to continue and can only bring good things into my life.
  
  
• My Aunt Marcy sent me some scrumptious treats, I sent the fudge with Max to school b/c I can eat WAY to much fudge in one sitting.
  
  
• My Aunty Marty Beth sent me a package of unkown wonders as I always wait until Christmas to open my gifts, I love getting packages from my family. They are soo good to me.
  
  
• I, however, am terrible at sending cards or anything for that matter through the mail. BAD BAD BAD Sarah.
  
  
• I miss my family. Osmosis should allow for more frequent visits, right?
  
  
• Max dropped band and is now in drama club, hrm....shy boys in drama? Well, we'll see I suppose. Long story, bad teacher/student repoire. I am not happy about the transition, but I see Max's point. His new band teacher is a total goober.
  
  
• Kristen's Mom is almost done with radiation, finally. I will be so happy when she's done with all this and life can get back to normal.
  
  
• I am dreaming in the most lucid and vivid manner, it's quite alarming in some ways. I wake up and think I am somewhere else, and then there's Chance and Kasha and my favorite flannel sheets, and life is good. My body and mind are dueling out some demons I suspect.
  
  
• I have way to much house work to do, I still haven't gotten my holiday decorations up AND my basement is still a disaster. But, things are coming with time.
  
  
• Solstice & Yule are also rapidly approaching (thank Goddess I have that night off!) and I have some idea's on how to share it with Max.
  
  
• Doh, I have to go. If you haven't heard from me, I am sorry. I love you all so very much and you are always in my thoughts.
  
  Peace.
  
  PS: I am thinking of a number between 20 and 1228.

Kasha Of The Spaz

Yet more pics of the spaz dog....

If Anyone Is Interested...

I have a 14 year old know it all, arrogant and arbitrarily defiant teen age boy up for loan. Any hard labor...painting, cleaning, window washing, car washing, dog walking, lawn mowing or heavy lifting...he's yer man! If you enjoy unsolicited smart-aleck remarks, selective hearing and/or behavior that very similarly reflect Tourettes Syndrome, have I got a treat for you!

Come one, come all....I'm loaning him out cheap, only $5/hour. Well below the minimum wage. Actually, if you are interested, I am open to paying YOU to put his butt to work so I can have 2 hours of silence. You can't keep him though. He has a loving family and home, it's just that occasionally you see, he really just needs a good kick in the ass from someone that isn't me!

~ ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR ~

Mom needs a time out. Smoking again seems appealing. Breathe. Breathe.

And if anyone is planning on giving me the whole 'this is normal teenager' behavior talk, that's great, thank you...I do appreciate it...but it doesn't make me want to duct tape him to his bed any less. I'm trying t have a sense of humor, don't take my threats of physical punishment serious...I haven't laid a hand on that kid for disciplinary purposes since he was like 7 or 8 when I had to physically pick him up in the middle of a fit and put him in his bedroom on a time out and I left him there to throw his fit. Which was met with the WORST fit ever, and then by the WORST look a kid could ever give a Mom - like I had mortally wounded him (more like his feelings/pride I'm sure) for life and was the truest definition of abominable mother. He screamed and screamed at me for being a 'mean Mom' for a good 20 minutes and then I caved and went to cuddle him because he was crying himself hoarse. My attempts to physically control him only left him feeling more vulnerable and terrified, what choice did I have? Even big tough guys who have to be physically removed from the scene need their mommies right?

Freaking kid. I hope he remembers that when he's older.

Trust me, wringing his little neck has crossed my mind once or twice. But I breathe and think of why I practice a non-violent approach to all living things. Luckily, he wasn't raised in my family where spankings were the norm until you got bigger than your Mom and then it no longer worked as well.

Breathe.

Ok, now I am going to home where I will be the perfect picture of patience and use all my good mommying skills I have learned. And NOT duct tape him to the bed.

Wish me luck. And him too, he might need it.