Already?

Max is turning the big 14 on Sunday. It's really too much sometimes, to think of how quickly this life we've created is passing us both by. When he was a baby, I used to daydream about what he'd look like as a young man. I would wonder if that beautiful platinum blonde hair would stay with him through his life and what his laugh would sound like when he grew up. I would do the math to determine our respective ages and milestones. The realization that he would be 14 the year I turned 30 was astonishing, but I really never lingered on this detail because then, it seemed so far away. 30 seemed like an eternity and 14 was almost unimaginable when here he was, just learning to climb at the park and had more then 10 words in his vocabulary.

And now, here it is. It's real. He's closer to being a man than a child and it shows.

Wednesday night we were cooking dinner together and talking (Note: This is usually when we really get into the meat of life together, especially if we are alone because when we are alone he becomes Max again and the bravado subsides) about his day. The way he stood next to me, came up and kissed my cheek and stood beside me, chattering on and munching carrots while I cooked dinner....it was a startling glimpse of him as a man and me as an older woman. It seemed the sort of scenario you'd see any child and Mom in, but this was like...well, I saw him as a man and me still as his Mom when he becomes a man. It was almost physic in nature and while those who know me may think I'd normally be overwhelmed by this, it was extremely soothing and warm and some how affirming that maybe, just maybe this kid is going to be ok.

Then I say to myself....Of course he's going to be "OK"....right?

14 was an extremely traumatic year for me, that summer is when it all happened and my life was changed forever. Again. After that summer, I went into a tail spin downward that I never recovered from. I'm not sure anyone could "recover" from what happened that year. You may overcome, you may heal, but you never forget. The next summer, when I was 15...I met Max's Dad and the rest is history. Those years may have been a pivotal turning point in forming the spirit within me and I never question their validity as I believe those experiences are ultimately what brought Max and I together. But when the memories bubble up, especially of the 2 years or so between my 14th birthday and when Max was born, I feel frozen inside. I become emotionally paralyzed and something that ranges from painful vulnerability to pure rage spews forth. But it's getting better with time, I think.

How this is relevant now? To this topic of this once toddling little powerhouse of energy and big huge lovely blue eyes and a hug that would melt the heart of any ice queen? It's relevant for the following reasons....

Max's life is wide open, he could go in any direction and has a great deal of potential. Like all children (excuse me, young adults), he is but in the first lines of his own book.

14 was a year that markedly changed my entire life. I have some pretty tense fears for Max because of this I think. I KNOW how bad things can get. Of course I don't want that for him. No mother does.

However, it has come to my attention that because my teen years were so extreme, that I am hypersensitive to a potentially similar outcome for Max and I am constantly evaluating our situation in the hopes of helping him to avoid the potential pitfalls of youth that can effect ones entire life.

I cannot punish, judge or crucify him for something he hasn't even done simply because I am terrified that he might end up on the wrong road. Granted, he's made some dumbass maneuvers already...but he's got a fighting chance to have a stellar life, and I must nurture and support that rather than worrying about the "could be's" because my worrying doesn't do anything except plant the seed of negativity and leave it out in the Universe to fester and grow into a potential reality. Think positive right?

Not to mention the fact that Max doesn't need to inherit my dysfunction. It's not his fault I had such a rough time as a kid and he doesn't need to be parented like in some tyrannical fashion to avoid it the same pitfalls that I made.

This isn't about me, this is about him. This is his time to shine, to play football and kiss girls and go to dances and get a drivers license. And hopefully, build some memories along the way that warm his heart as an adult.

And in the mean time, it's my job to consider my own experiences, continue to heal and grow and give this kid every fair shot he's got at life. And that includes sharing what I've learned with him, not living in fear that he'll repeat this cycle. Life will throw him enough challenges, right now he doesn't need to carry the burden of mine. If nothing else, I can teach him how to cope and grow through those challenges.

And really, the best part of all of this is that Max makes it all so easy. In those moments where he does plant a kiss on my cheek for some random reason I'm not aware of, or still does the whole "Mom watch me!" thing, or works hard to study for a test because he just knows he has too....and even when he's being an uber shit and makes me want to pull my hair out, I am so proud of the Man-Child he has quickly become, I'm proud of his heart, his love, his kindness and his boyness. I love that he loves to make people laugh. I love that I get to be part of all of this.

Happy Birthday Max. May 14 bring you muddy days at the bike jumps, crushes on girls, many a soccer goal made, school dances, music that moves you, 8th grade that doesn't suck for you and hopefully, you'll learn a few things about yourself in the midst of all the chaos that is being a teenager.

I love you and some day, you'll know that more than you can right now.

Daughters

I'm having one of those days in my life where I'm really missing my Dad. I have these days sometimes, I'm not sure what sparks the emotion but on these days I find my eyes filled with tears and my heart heavy with grief. I think there are those who can't understand this, because I was so young when he passed....I didn't really know him. These same people still hold a great deal of resentment toward him, resentment I no longer choose to allow into my own spirit and heart. But there are still others who I know can understand and can allow me to grieve and feel the loss, without questioning it or having judgment of me for it.

It's tricky stuff, the loving someone who is gone from your life....someone maybe you don't how to feel about, but someone you WANT to love. Someone you wish could still love you back, someone you wish you could know or understand.

I think alot of this is imaginary for me, it's very easy for me to create this fantasy character in my mind of who and what my father was, or what might have become. But regardless of any potential conceptual idea's I have of this man, I do know that he loved me. I can hear it and see it in the eyes of my Grandmother, and so I except that as the truth of his legacy for me.

This song, written by John Mayer, "Daughters"...I've posted it here before. But I think it's a very powerful song and it certainly speaks to my heart when I'm allowing myself to feel the pain of this loss and acknowledge it, instead of pushing it into a place that does not surface. I think for me, this song represents the beauty of the daughter/father bond and the relevance.

Enjoy.

*************************************************
John Mayer - "Daughters"

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
but she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change

And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Ooh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.

>>>*MY VALUES? FREE SPEECH. EQUALITY. LIBERTY. EDUCATION. TOLERANCE

>>>These bumper stickers were compiled by Jerry Paull, a former
>>>Methodist minister in Lakeside, Ohio, who writes:
>>>"The following actual bumper stickers are now on cars.
>>>I didn't write any of them. I'm only the messenger.
>>>If they make you laugh, good. If they make you cry, good."
>>>
>>>
>>>*AT LEAST IN VIETNAM, BUSH HAD AN EXIT STRATEGY
>>>
>>>*BLIND FAITH IN BAD LEADERSHIP IS NOT PATRIOTISM
>>>
>>>*IF YOU'RE NOT OUTRAGED, YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION
>>>
>>>*IF YOU SUPPORTED BUSH, A YELLOW RIBBON WON'T MAKE UP FOR IT
>>>
>>>*POVERTY, HEALTHCARE & HOMELESSNESS ARE MORAL ISSUES
>>>
>>>*OF COURSE IT HURTS. YOU'RE GETTING SCREWED BY AN ELEPHANT
>>>
>>>*BUSH LIED, AND YOU KNOW IT
>>>
>>>*RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISM: A THREAT ABROAD, A THREAT AT HOME
>>>
>>>*GOD BLESS EVERYONE (No exceptions)
>>>
>>>*BUSH SPENT YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY ON HIS WAR
>>>
>>>*PRO AMERICA, ANTI BUSH
>>>
>>>*WHO WOULD JESUS BOMB?
>>>
>>>*IF YOU SUPPORT BUSH'S WAR, WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? SHUT UP AND SHIP OUT
>>>
>>>*FEEL SAFER NOW?
>>>
>>>*I'D RATHER HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO SCREWED HIS INTERN THAN ONE WHO SCREWED
>>>HIS COUNTRY
>>>
>>>*JESUS WAS A SOCIAL ACTIVIST - THAT IS A LIBERAL
>>>
>>>*MY VALUES? FREE SPEECH. EQUALITY. LIBERTY. EDUCATION. TOLERANCE
>>>
>>>*IS IT 2008 YET?
>>>
>>>*DISSENT IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF PATRIOTISM -- Thomas Jefferson
>>>
>>>*DON'T BLAME ME. I VOTED AGAINST BUSH -- TWICE!
>>>
>>>*ANNOY A CONSERVATIVE; THINK FOR YOURSELF
>>>
>>>*VISUALIZE IMPEACHMENT
>>>
>>>*HEY BUSH! WHERE'S BIN LADEN?
>>>
>>>*CORPORATE MEDIA = MASS MIND CONTROL
>>>
>>>*STOP MAD COWBOY DISEASE
>>>
>>>*GEORGE W. BUSH: MAKING TERRORISTS FASTER THAN HE CAN KILL THEM
>>>
>>>*KEEP YOUR THEOCRACY OFF MY DEMOCRACY
>>>
>>>*DEMOCRATS ARE SEXY. WHOEVER HEARD OF A GOOD PIECE OF ELEPHANT?
>>>
>>>*ASPIRING CANADIAN
>>>
>>>*CORPORATE MEDIA: WEAPONS OF MASS DECEPTION
>>>
>>>*DON'T CONFUSE DYING FOR OIL WITH FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM
>>>
>>>*STEM CELL RESEARCH IS PRO LIFE
>>>
>>>*HATE, GREED, IGNORANCE: WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
>>>
>>>*HONOR OUR TROOPS - DEMAND THE TRUTH
>>>
>>>*REBUILD IRAQ? WHY NOT SPEND 87 BILLION ON AMERICA?
>>>
>>>*FACT: BUSH OIL
>>>1999 - $19 BARREL
>>>2006 - $70 BARREL
>>>
>>>*THE LAST TIME RELIGION CONTROLLED POLITICS, PEOPLE GOT BURNED AT THE
>>>STAKE
>>>
>>>*I'LL GIVE UP MY CHOICE WHEN JOHN ROBERTS GETS PREGNANT
>>>
>>>*SUPPORT OUR TROOPS - IMPEACH BUSH
>>>
>>>*HOW ON EARTH CAN 59,411,287 PEOPLE BE SO DUMB?
>>>

Not Terrible....but a bummer.

I have to type this quickly as I have been moved out of the safety of the more remote location of my former cube to this...PLACE that I am now. It's a long story and I choose not to complain about it cuz I do have to work here, but we are hiring new developers and they wanted all the C## developers on one side, the testers in one spot and the SQL programmers in another. That leaves me, the lowly classic ASP developer to fend for herself and deal with wherever they stick me...and of course, they stuck me in the WORST spot imaginable. Highest amount of traffic, noise and the light over my cube is so dim I feel like it's raining outside all day b/c I have no natural light.

I'm not very happy about this. I voiced my opinions, to no avail. Got shut down before the words even got out of my mouth.

Not to mention the bigger picture implications about my position, it's safe to assume at this point that it may eventually be squeezed out. I doubt I'd get laid off, they'd just roll me over into a .Net developer...which would rock, no doubt...but I am fast learning that this company doesn't communicate so well with it's employee's until the very last minute.

Over the weekend, my home desktop took a digger. It's a goner pretty much, not sure if it's even recoverable. I'm still not ready to talk about this. All I can do now is hope we can at least get some of the files backed up, I don't know...hard to say.

What this does mean, is that my internet resources are pretty much down to the bare basics, please do not be offended if you do not hear much from me until I get the home thing figured out....which I am not sure how we will get another box set up at home any time soon, we'll see.

I intend to practice much ritual until I am, again, in the favors of the Technology Goddesses.

A Small, But Crucial Stepping Stone

3 years and countless efforts by conservatives to deny women their reproductive rights, finally "The Morning After Pill" has been approved by the FDA and is now legally and OTC option to prevent pregnancy.

The Morning After Pill

I know that I, like many women's activist organizations out there, am NOT pleased that this option has been limited to only women over the age of 18.

Women under 18 get raped too.

America also has one of the highest rates of teen pregnancy in the "Western World." HELLO PEOPLE....why are some so eager to deny teenagers the right to avoid a life that statically can be a lonely uphill struggle for the parents and the child? Max and I are potentially a success story in this scenario, so many are not. Teen pregnancy has long been this countries dirty little secret and there is very little support for teen parents that has the potential to empower them, so much of the resources out there often condemn these children who are having children to a life time of dependency on the government, their families, drugs, alcohol....what have you, the current cycle does NOT work, so why not empower these kids NOW, while they have a choice...before they become parents?

Not to mention the blatant misconception by some that if you instruct a teen to be abstinent, they will do it. HELLO AGAIN PEOPLE....being sexual is a very normal part of human development and it starts earlier than our culture seems to want to acknowledge. Teaching them to respect themselves and their potential partners and to be safe and protect themselves seems a more tangible approach.

The idea of controlling pregnancy has been around long before the birth control pill, condoms, IUD or any of the other commonly used birth control measures of today even existed. I just think how women avoided pregnancy was a bit more secret, a secret that I think women kept to themselves. We now live in a time where we know people are having sex and sex not only has the potential to create life, but it can now kill you. We have NO choice but to protect ourselves and our bodies!

In spite of my frustrations over the age requirements to access this birth control option, I am extremely hopeful for the women who can. It feels like another small victory towards women ultimately having the right to choose for ourselves and protect our bodies.

I think the next challenge in this issue will be how available access truly is to "Plan B." I predict a slew of pharmacies and health care providers refusing to carry or sell the product. Protests for those who do. I also don't think that now that this option is legal, that their will not be forces actively working to demonize it.

Until then, for those of you who lobbied for FDA approval on this issue...congratulations - this work will not go unnoticed or unappreciated.

To All My Butt Cheeks!

Friends are like butt cheeks.

Crap separates them once in a while, but in the end, they always come
back together!

Send this to all the butt cheeks you know!

Finding The Time

The ever demanding events of school and soccer have returned, finding time to write in my blogg could prove difficult. I've not had a chance to even account for our vacation or the current going on's at home.

The short answer: Vacation was extremely restful and this rest was sorely needed. I did not a damn thing. Slept, ate, drank some wine and took Max to 6 Flags. Good times. Though it took me almost a week to clean up after that week, when Mom doesn't do dishes or clean for a week...it's um....noticeable.

Max starts school tomorrow and turns 14 on September 10, 2006. I certainly consider him a full blown teenager at this point, his moods can be trying and the occasional bouts of sweetness that accidentally pour forth endearing. He still loves his Momma and knows he has a good life, even if he's oh so totally tortured at the moment.

C also starts school in October. I am so completely ecstatic for him. The opportunities for growth from this experience are endless. My only complaint is that I fear he's going to burn out a little. We won't be seeing much of each for several months at a time, from about October through late December and then it will all start again in January 2007 until March or April I think. We will have to master the art of stealing quite moments with one another when we can. This complaint aside, I support him 100% and know that when life brings opportunities, you must jump on them. I am so proud of him for jumping. He is a good man and I love him.

My work, oh man. Where would I start? It's hard to know, but what I DO know is that the demanding schedule of these past 6 months will continue until at least the end of the year. In a recent conference call, my main client has ominously promised "to keep me as busy as ever" until mid December. My project may also switch supervisors/project managers mid process...I'm not even sure how to consider THAT little detail into the next several months. I also like how no one mentioned this to me, I found out through the job announcement that the new Project Manager would be managing me and my projects. PDC is notorious for it's poor direct communication, unless of course you are on the "A List" of employees...ie...Senior Developers, Lead SQL Developers....I am but a lowly developer. Ah well, as long as the new PM doesn't come in trying to micro-manage me to death, I think all will be fine.

I suspect the fall brings for me a tricky balancing act. I will be sporting my invisible Super Mango cape, brewing up some sort of energy concoction to keep me refreshed and ready for anything - AND definitely have to be on top of my game. No slippage allowed. After all, it takes quite a woman to maintain a health work/life balance, provide excellent services to my clients, manage a household (whether others see it that way or not), a 14 year old in junior high, a 30 something in college who works full time and maintain some level of sanity.

Oh, did I mention I might take on a contract client too? Gotta generate funds for Crys & Dane's wedding dontchya know!

Yep, I'm the shiznit!

Go Mango, yer so good...Go Mango!

PS: So, if you see me...looking tired, a little anxious and babbling to myself, don't worry...it's just a side effect of Fall Madness.

PPS: Sam got a new apartment and is moving in this weekend, YAY Sam! Can't wait to see the new pad yo!

Hi Kids

~ Peep ~ ~ Peep ~ ~ Peep ~

~ Waves ~ ~ Waves ~ ~ Waves ~

~ Smooch ~ ~ Smooch ~ ~ Smooch ~

I am so crazy at work after get back from vacation and probably will be for a while....just a quick hello, a wave and a kiss to let you all know that I am still functional and out and about.....

A special shout out to my Aunty MB who is currently traveling India and I know must be really engaged in the experience, I am thinking of you every day Aunty...arms wide open, trying to absorb some of that amazing experience from afar...I can't wait to hear every single detail. Imagine, Buddha's every where. And the sacred people of that land, wow...when I think of it I am overcome. I love you and please be safe.

Will write more soon.... buncha huggaz until next time ;-P

To Say That I Am Ready...Is An Understatement!

I am officially on vacation in 1.27 work days. I'm ready.

Hello....over here....I'm ready!

It's been years since I had a whole week off, years. I can't wait. To hang out with my men, sleep in, eat to much and play XBox Monopoly. We have some plans, but couldn't really afford the things we wanted to do...but my work doesn't know that...shhhhh....I am officially "unavailable"

hee hee

No pager. Which always has a dead battery in it anyways.

No email. I will resist the temptation to check it from home, which might not be too hard since our cable internet is down at home (blink)

No phone. Blessed silence. I will steal this opportunity with great pleasure.

No clients. I love my clients, but I need a break. They are making me crazy at the moment.

So, if I appear to have dissappeared of the face of the Earth...don't worry, I'm just being reclusive in my humble abode, happily honoring my life (and sanity) with gratitude. And wine. Cheers!

Holy Head Cold Batman

I am staring down this monitor with a very fuzzy head, enormous pressure on my sinuses and strange achiness all over my body. All forms of mental clarity have escaped me and I have only one, repetitive and inviting thought.....sleep. sleep. sleep.

Life is really great and I'm working diligently to keep that in mind as I try to get through this day without dozing off.....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Nose is starting to drip.

Scratchy throat is turning to achy throat.

In general, I feel like ca-ca. poo poo. ick. yuck.

I fear, it might be a head cold.

The sort that will feel like my head is in a vice, that burns my sinuses and dries my throat. I will wander abut the days in a congested haze, attempting at all costs to avoid the dreaded pseudoephedrine laden decongestants only to submit just so I can breathe and open my eyes all the way. And then I'll be even MORE whacked out because whatever it is that is in those heavy duty decongestant makes me feel like a child of the 60's having a flashback. Which if I HAD been a child of the 60's, I would be grateful for the experience, but since I am NOT, it's just uncomfortable.

I will make Chance insane through the night as I toss and turn, blow my nose and try really hard just to rest long enough to feel like I actually got some sleep instead of cursing the damn head cold for betraying me of my much beloved sleep.

Sidenote: It has been brought to my attention that I have not shared with many people the years in which I suffered fairly severe insomnia. Due to stress and an over active mind most likely. I suppose I never spoke of it much with others because it was something I'd suffered with for years and was mostly a normal part of my life. It got interesting during the more stressful periods of my life (the loss of loved ones, being unemployed, Max being sick, surgery) I envied those that could fall asleep in an instant, almost on command, in any location. Chance can do this. It still irritates me. However, I also haven't slept as good as I have in the past year that Chance and I have been living together - so I can forgive him for having the one super-power I wish I had. But my bottom line is that I sleep good now and for those of you who've ever experienced long periods with very little sleep, it is a blessing that I cannot describe in words.

~ aaaachoooooooooooooo ~
~ aaaachoooooooooooooo ~

yuck.

Okay then, well....now that I've thoroughly complained and whined and whimpered about something so simple as a common head cold, I'm going to go home and snuggle up in my bed and do a little napping, a little reading and make Chance take care of me when he gets home. That's what this is really all about you know...just making sure that Chance knows JUST how sick I really am so he can come home and take good care of his Mango. wink. wink.

Oh Glorious Day!

Today is a good day (Fav Ice Cube song EVER) even though the ever present drama-demon threatens, I am able to cast it aside without even flinching, nary a thought. Away ye demon, off with you now...buh bye!

I look at this life that I have, this amazing child, I mean he's just incredible. This man whom can see so deeply within me and still loves me so strongly somehow in spite of my oddities and pain. This home I never thought would really happen in a million years. A job where I feel I might settle for a few years and that would be ok, not just ok...it would be pretty good.

For as long as it all lasts, I vow to consciously live within gratitude.

What a strange life this is, how the transition from one level to another can occur within a millisecond. So many of those shifts are unforeseen, but some...like this moment which I find myself more and more each day, these are the shifts that I tentatively may look around and say "I did this. I made this happen." Not because I have some special key or because I have been favored by the Gods, but partly because I've worked so hard. So hard. Struggled. Cried so many big drippy tears that my face seemed permanently streaked for several years. Spent infinite hours considering myself, my family, this universe, love...life, breathing, breathe. Found great strength within myself when there wasn't a single soul in the world who wanted anything to do with the life I was trying to create at that time. Looking externally for so much and realizing that it was all within me, even if it meant I had to suck it up, wipe away the tears and tough it out through the times that WERE really hard; by M.Y.S.E.L.F! I really DID work hard. I gave it 100% and broke my neck and then bruised the hell out of every molecule of my body doing it.

I did it. I achieved. I climbed one more step.

This is not to say that I did not experience enormous influence and guidance or acquire a great many lesson from numerous sources along the way. Max as an influence is quite obvious I am sure, but his very existence breathes life into me and the World. Mary & Howard have been unwavering in their support. The love of Kristen and her family has been crucial, Carin taught me so much I did not know. Could not know. My Aunty MB and my beloved GramE & Grandpa John...their unique lives have encouraged me to be strong and unconditional and open with my love. The talks over the table on Teller, where Crys and I learned we were uniquely different but share the same thought process. And even the friendships that were never destined to be long term in nature or ended poorly, were powerful learning tools about letting go, saying goodbye and forgiveness. And now, Chance. And his Mom. They have brought so much to our lives. So so much.

So, no, I didn't do it alone. But I have worked hard. Damn hard. So damn hard. I am proud of that.

It is only now that I can look at the life around me and have some tangible result of my efforts. As the insanity of previous years winds down, I am anxious about what the future may bring, what experiences life may bestow unto me each day. I sense renewal, a new experience blossoms.

Though I have great pain and fear for our collective World at the moment, I have to trust that Love and Humanity will ultimately reign. We all have to, I believe it is all we have and the more we unite in a positive direction, the more the World may begin to heal and know it as Truth. It's hard not to feel overcome by all the strangeness of this moment in time, but even for all the wars and fighting and rage and intolerance that sometimes fills my view every where I turn, I trust the Love will overcome. Because I can see IT more clearly in my view than the darkness that attempts to pick at IT.

This all may seem very random, but in short, I am just happy. Happy to be alive and live this life. I have fears, they exist...that this all might crumble at any moment, but I can no longer take any stock in that sort of thinking as it's not served me well in the past. I'm just ready. Ready to move on. To grow, to heal, to live, to love.

And perhaps, the reason for all of this? I rolled over this morning to find this on my night stand:

Max had left it for me, it made my whole day. Maybe those Hippies had something after all?

Ya think?

Learning To Fly

I'm in training this week for SQL development, so far a good class. On lunch break now.

Weekend was good, worked on Saturday, had a great talk with my cousin and spent Saturday evening with numerous groups of friends. I've really missed B & his gals, it was nice to have a few moments of one on one with each of them, however fleeting it may be. Matt's lady friend is pretty great and I enjoyed getting to know more about her, I like the way he smiles at her. Great weekend over all:)

Congrats to Miss Crystal on the engagement, wow...freaking cool girl! It's going to be a blast and I'm so happy that Dane was able to make the experience memorable, I told him in IM the other day that you deserve the Princess Treatment and most certainly got it. I'm proud of Dane and incredibley happy for you! YAY:)

Life is good and we are managing to keep it quieter these days, mostly. This coming weekend should be very quiet, it's a weekend for just the 3 of us and I'm looking forward to it very much. This week is going to be sort of odd, so I won't be online much...but off for now.

Much love and toodles.
Peace
Mango Love Nugget

Shine On You Crazy Diamond

We'll miss you Roger (Syd) Barrett (Co-Founder Pink Floyd)

Reports do not indicate when and/or the exact cause of death, but I am saddened by the news as it is painful for a Rock Legend to fall. I believe his influence in music is wide-reaching and I am certain his former band-mates are mourning this loss tremendously. However, it is also widely known that Syd was a pretty tortured and pained individual, perhaps now he can rest and be at ease.

Shine On You Crazy Diamond!
"Come on you raver, you seer of visions, "
"come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!"

Put On A Happy Face

How does that song go?

"Gray skies are gonna clear up,"
"Put on a happy face;"
"Brush off the clouds and cheer up,"
"Put on a happy face."
Bye Bye Birdie

I've never heard that song all the way through and am sure I've only heard it in movies and the like, but I'm taking it's advice today....

It's been raining in Colorado for several days, but the heat is returning and I am so grateful for the rain we had over the weekend. We needed it so badly and it was nice and cozy, a good way to spend the few short days we are given each week to spend with our families and loved ones. The weekend....it was pretty great, I could use many many more like it. It was the first weekend in I don't know how long that we didn't have something filling it up the entire time. There weren't people at our house all weekend, there weren't excessive chores to be done, nobody had to work and my Little Man came home from the Grandparents in a fairly light and happy mood, for which I am truly greatful.

We met with C's family for Sunday lunch as his Grandfather was in town, what a treat to meet him! Though I was telling Max that Gayle & Chance must get their eyes from Gayle's Mom cuz Robert's (Gayle's Dad) are a brilliant and playful blue. Robert also just turned 70 this year which is like shocking when you meet him, whatever he's done his whole life to be in such great spirits and health, he could probably sell it in a bottle. Chance and I were discussing our hopes that we might be so lucky to have look so great in 40 years! We both agreed that laying of the Mexican food and beer would be a good start ;-)

It was also very sweet of Gayle to treat us all to such a great lunch, we are so broke and a good meal out was desperately needed. We will miss her so much, I worry that C isn't really showing his true feelings about them moving to California. I am heartbroken for one and I know Max is pretty sad too, but we keep rationalizing that California isn't that far away really, if we had to drive it or something it's doable.

I am looking forward to another, somewhat quiet weekend ahead. I hate to wish my life away by speeding through the weeks and longing for the weekends, but I think I am at that point in life where I'm just a bit fried on the whole work thing. I know, I know...I'd better suck it up. I've got what...another 35+ years of working ahead of me. sigh. ok, that's depressing. I love what I do, I love where I work...I just wish I had a bit more free time to be at home with my family. Even if just for a while, Max is growing so fast and I love my home but never have enough time in it.

I am finding myself absolutely exhausted a lot of the time, it's making it hard to get up and do anything but drag my butt to work and maybe get home and do some laundry and cook dinner. It's starting to concern me a bit, when I mentioned it to my doctor his instant response was that I was likely depressed and need Xanax, here Sarah, let me write you a prescription and dope you up like the other 2/3rds of America. No thanks, I am looking into another physician. If I am depressed, I don't want to fix it with a pill...I want to figure out why and get healthy, but mostly I think I am just worn down and often feel like I have very little, if any help because I do have a great deal of responsibility and most of it is not the kind that one can get help with. Except the guys can do things like put the toaster away when they are done with it or wipe up their crumbs or (gasp) actually put their dishes in the dishwasher. But otherwise, it's mostly stuff I have to do anyway. It's just life right?

Suck it up and put on a happy face. That's my motto for the day. It sounds a little bitter doesn't it? Doh...ah well, I don't mean to be. I, like most other working Mom's I know, just want a break...maybe a long term one that doesn't involve living my life in my car and working for a company that may appreciate me to some degree, but I am easily replaceable and therefore a drone. Like on a beach somewhere, sipping fruity drinks and looking absolutely fabulous doing so (cuz I magically lost 30 lbs) with Chance and watching Max frolic in the water.

sigh.

Calgon, take me away!

Not much new....

Here's a pic of Max sneaking up on me while I am cleaning the bathroom, he scared the crap out of me actually, enough to make me laugh pretty hard and then scold him for scaring his Momma Bear......

Not the most flattering, but hey...I'm a working Mom with 2 males that keep me pretty busy and a whole lot going on my crazy head...it's hard to be Goddess Like externally at all times:)

Anyway, not much new to report...life is good, albeit I feel the world has officially gone insane and I am just along for the ride. It's hard too feel positive some days when our bullying has finally caused others to play with their own nuclear toys so openly, there are hunger strikes and I have days where I feel this general sense of dread about the going on's of the world....but a girl's gotta keep her wits about her I suppose, otherwise I'd be brooding a whole lot more than I currently am.

We are off to see "An Inconvenient Truth" this evening and I am eagerly awaiting the return of my not-so-wee Big Man...though I anticipate their will be much attitude upon his return home. Moms' and their sucky rules - jeez! I'm such a horrid woman, really...ask anyone.

Gotta run, looking forward to getting home for a bit of time before CMan gets in and we get ready for another long weekend.

Smoochies Boochies Babies!

Long Weekends.....

....Are never quite long enough are they?

Friday night we wrapped up house cleaning and rested up for Saturday evenings concert. Saturday we were up finishing up some re-organizing we'd started Friday night and ended up working a good portion of the day before we got ready for the show. The house feels more and more like home every day, it's a good place to be:)

Saturday's show was great, The String Cheese Incident is by far one of the best jam bands I've ever seen. What a great vibe, great show and great people.....see my amateur camera phone photo's below:

And of course Chance with the much earned beer in hand while tailgating in the parking lot:


I'm not really sure what to say about the rest of the weekend, we mostly just spent it hanging out with friends. I'm not sure I got the time I was hoping to have with Chance, I was pretty disappointed actually that it didn't worked out as I'd hoped. Hopefully next time we can communicate better about such things. One thing I know for sure is that just as much as communication, forgiveness is a pretty pivotal piece in loving and committing to someone.

I did, however, experience a moment I NEVER thought I'd witness in a million years....


I know this doesn't look like much, but it's a bigger event in our house than one might think! While watching movies in my room yesterday afternoon, Pumpkin Cat kept nosing around but not perching in her normal spot by me on the bed because Gaia Cat was snoozing away lazily on the end of the bed and Pumpkin Cat still finds Gaia Cat rather annoying. Pumpkin mewed and purred and did everything to convince me that Gaia Cat should be kicked off the coveted bed spot and Pumpkin could then promptly take over, no fuss, no muss. I think Pumpkin needs to get over it. Gaia didn't even care about Pumpkin trying to get on the bed and was in a Cat Coma (that must be a good place to be because her eyes roll back in her head) and it's always Pumpkin cussing Gaia over some self-declared sense of seniority. So I didn't budge, but did try to coax Pumpkin up on the bed with me in the hopes that these two could finally stand one in another in such close proximity.

Much to my surprise, the coaxing was a success and after a lot of circling and Pumpkin eyeing Gaia carefully out of the corner of her eye while she kneaded my leg and the blanket into a comfortable spot for her sweet old bones, Pumpkin FINALLY laid down and joined Gaia cat in blissful Kitty Nap heaven. sigh.

The fact that I was able to get up and take a picture is even more shocking, neither of them even flinched when I moved off the bed to photograph them there. Has peace finally found our felines at last? Me thinks so:)

Max is still with the Grandparents until Saturday, I miss him terribley and he acts annoyed when I call. Sounds about right I guess for an almost 14-year old.

Ok, back to work...I'm definately not on top of my game this morning and have so much to do, I suppose I'd better get it together and get some work done.

Much love all, hope your long weekend was a good one!

Yes Indoodly Deedy......

I am sharing these quotes with you today....

"Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men."
--Goethe
Because Max's unwavering ability to dream big that bubbles brightly from his youth and obvious kindness inspires me, he inspires me every single day we share together....

Don't fight a problem, solve it!
--Millard Fuller
Founder of Habitat for Humanity International
Because Chance firmly subscribes to this principle and feverently encourages me to do the same when I am whining.....

If things are not going well with you, begin your
effort at correcting the situation by carefully
examining the service you are rendering, and
especially the spirit in which you are rendering it.
--Roger Babson
Because my behaviors may cause others question, but my spiritual journey is very much centered on the growth of my spirit and how it is rendered to the Universe and those whom inhabit it, which includes every bruise, bump and trip up along the way....

The reason a dog has got so many friends is
because its tail waggles and not its tongue.
-Anonymous
Because gossip and spreading people's business is far more dangerous than one might think.....

Busy Bee's

Not much time to write, hopefully tomorrow or very soon I will have time to post my most recent train of thought....

much love all
~ Mango

Finally....

A weekend to myself. A weekend to do as I wish, with my time. We have plans of course, to clean and spend time perking up our every evoloving home a bit...but thank the Good Goddess that life has finally given me the opportunity to breathe and take some comfort in all my efforts.

I am also looking forward to some time with CMan, I miss him. We've had a rough week only b/c I think we are both a little stressed, overworked, underpaid and maybe just maybe we don't really with one another the value and importance of our love. Perhaps we've allowed some very negative distractions too close to home and have some healing to do?

I also have some lovely candles and incense I've been waiting to burn, our house in deeply in need of some cleansing.

All fairs well, not a complaint or gripe.

My only current primary concern is that of the mid-term elections, I am already feeling anxiety over the potential outcomes and locally, I think the fires are already being stoked as the advertisements for my vote have already begun.

My requests as a citizen are pretty basic, common sense stuff really....I'm not sure why that's so difficult to comprehend or achieve.

That part makes me sad:(

But otherwise, on a personal level, life is good the weekend promises to be lovely.

Much love all, catch ya on the flip side
~ Mango

Celebrate Summer Solstice!

Warmest wishes to all on this blessed day, the longest of the year and a day in which we take a moment to acknowledge the power of the sun and the life it bestows upon us!

For Mah Aunty MB (Cuz I love you!)

Aunty,

Here are some much promised pictures, I am sorry it took forever but I am a busy busy woman and admittedly a slacker who takes her sweet time doing just about EVERYTHING...BUT I got a too cool new camera phone (oh boy oh boy oh boy!) which is also an MP3 player and has everything a geeky-girl like myself might appreciate on it...except I've not had much time to play with it all, so we are still figure it out...

BUT...I have some pics for you, as promised. Now the floggings may cease....temporarily at least;)

This is Max at his tournament this weekend, he's wearing the White Jersey and blocking this punk kid (they lost) heading straight toward him.


This is Chance....becuase he refuses to give me a nice smile and show the world is gorgeous eyes, I am posting this very manly, lovely image of him smooching my favorite little Pumpkin Kitty. Hopefully, this will teach him to mind...but I doubt it:)

PS: This Pumpkin Kittie's favored location, otherwise it's the knee....

This is Max looking especially teenagerish in the back of my beloved Baby Jetta.

There will be more to come and I am sure the quality will increase as I figure out the best settings and what not, but have no fear...you will now have pics galore.

Love
Sarah

At the risk of sounding ungrateful for each and every lovely breath bestowed upon me by the grace of the Goddess, I am happy that this week is over. Exuberant. Really.

It's been a long one, some stress, some drama but mostly I am just looking forward to spending some time with my men-folk. Though the weekend is proving busy as ever, I it will be busy being healthy and focusing on that which deserves every ounce of my focus.

Max has a soccer tournament this weekend.
Saturday we have a 10 AM game & 3:30 PM.
Sunday, 9:30 AM & 3:30 (if they place, they play the afternoon, otherwise Sunday afternoon is all ours)

This afternoon, I plan to do a little shopping and then go home and watch my "Meeting People Is Easy" DVD from Netflix. For those of you who have don't know, this is a Radiohead rocumentary directed by Grant Gee and I've never been able to rent it anywhere until now, bless you Netflix, you are my hero. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00000IPG9/103-8846372-3765434?v=glance&n=130

Also, for those of you who don't know (duh, if you know me, you know this) Radiohead would be in heavy rotation on "Sarah's Life: The Soundtrack." You may also find my favorite indie rockers like Natalie Merchant and Coldplay, a dose of Massive Attack/Portishead trip-hop, a good healthy portion of 90's and early 2000's hip-hop rap (yo) and round it off with all my classics ranging from Supertramp & Tesla or maybe a little 80's Depeche Mode doh and don't don't don't forget to sprinkle my favorite, late night, boogey down girl beats...some good ole fashion, bass booming in your heart, tempo making your mind crazy....Techno like Mr. Paul Oakenfoald or ATB. Can't forget Bruce Cochburn and Francis Dunnery, ala Chances influence. Yep yep uh huh, woo hoo:) It would take me years to get all this stuff into one collection and probably a few brains cells.

~ shakes it off ~

That was a nice tangent, but now I am of course thinking of how long it's been since I did some mixing and burned some cd's. It's due time I'd say, really though...really what's on the forefront of my musical mind are 2 things:

1) ipod nano....ipod nano....IPOD NANO people!
It's rare that I pine for something material, I mean sure I might want something shiny to wear on my person or those cute chunky shoes or a new tattoo, but I am rarely impulsive enough to just go buy it (even if I have the money) because I want it. I generally have to make myself buy stuff out of need, this is probably due to being poor and a single Mom for almost half of my life now. But this IPOD thing, this is different. It is more like desire, dare I say lust for a thing. Now I've had lust before for "things", my Baby Jetta being one. I got it, hee hee...yay me. I still love "it" and "it' has become more like a friend to me then a "thing" and I still love the purple dashboard lights, the sunroof, power everything and um...the Turbo. Yes. Turbo's are good. Anyway anyway...back to my IPOD lust. The point is that I rarely want something this badly, but I REALLY want this and while this may sound very spoiled, I almost always get what I want. Eventually. You know why? Cuz I don't really want/need/ask for much AND Cuz I am the Independent Mango Momma, complete with her own money and J.O.B. and ability to get what she wants all by her bad self. But, *wink* C has hinted that he knows how badly I want this "thing" and that he might be inclined to "help" me buy it, except that he would get to use it "once in a while." There's always a catch (frown) I share EVERYTHING with EVERYONE....but there a precious few items that are mine..mine...mine. MINE! Yes, I was raised an only child and no, I don't like to share. This is one of those "things" that will be MINE, mine to customize my playlists and keep Chance's weird Dennis Leary stuff away, bad.

2) Studio Equipment In The Basement
Long ago I dreamed of Rock-Stardom, I could've been Gwen Stefani (hiccup, put down that martini Sarah, jeesh!) in another life time. But alas, I now do not have th waistline or even the stomach for it. The complete and utter lack of privacy would probably drive me right into the arms of a straight-jacket AND fighting with record-labels, oh that would be bad. I would end up some eccentric, reclusive artist like Prince or Andy Warhol. BUT....my passion for music still burns brightly and how I wish I had just a few simple items, a mixing board, a mic and an amp. And some sound proofing so we don't make the neighbors more annoyed with our loudness.

Ok, so #1 is more reasonable then #2 in terms of expenses but really I cannot have either at the moment so I will stop whining and going back to mere daydreams about IPOD playlists (mine - Enter Finding Nemo) and rocking out in the privacy of my own home with my mic and my tambourine and belting out crackly versions of my favorite songs through the amp.

~ shakes it off ~

Ok, enough day dreaming...I have half an hour of work left, for shame that I would write in my blogg on a Friday afternoon at work but hey, that's what I get paid the not-so-big bucks for right? To bust my a$$ through the week and slack a little on Friday afternoon?

Did I mention there is hardly a soul in the office today? Myself and one other gal are the only two developers here, it's wicked quiet and I enjoy that...but it also makes me want to run like the wind and go go go GO home! ;-P

Happy weekend all, much love and hopefully, some day soon, maybe for my Aunty MB I'll have some pics of MJ to get up here...maybe, if she's a good Aunty:)

:)

Accountability

Acknowledging accountability for ones behaviors, actions and decisions can be a difficult burden to endure.

Accountability for the positive achievements in life, is easy for some, not so for others.
Some are often embarrassed when others reference their achievements,
other times they can be filled with acceptance and pride for their diligence and effort in achieving those accomplishments.

Either way, acceptance of ones positive outcomes is a much simpler task then admitting to ones mistakes.

Accountability for a known (intentional or unintentional) negative impact on another or oneself, that's a much more painful and potential embarrassing journey.
It requires effort and energy, holding yourself accountable.
It requires honesty. With yourself and with others.
It requires looking inward at your own wrongdoings.
It requires getting real with yourself and those you have harmed.
It requires facing the reality, rather than running away or living in denial within.

It requires courage, but it's a nessisity courage.
The kind of courage a conscious heart must muster in order to heal.
Heal ones heart and spirit and the heart and spirit of another.

If you have abused, you are accountable.
If you owe money, you are accountable.
If you have taken advantage of the hospitality and good will of others, you are accountable.
If you lie, manipulate or purposefully coerce, you are accountable.
If you have emotionally drained, damaged or hurt another, you are accountable.
If you have pandered opportunity, you are accountable.
If you pre-emptively invaded a country based on false pretenses and kill hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians, you are definitely accountable.

Our experiences in this life time, be it positive or painful, are part of our growth experience. These experiences help us develop into the spirits we are ever evolving into, sometimes those experiences adversely effect others, sometimes we succeed and reach a pinnacle moment in our development, sometimes we inflict a damage that cannot be undone.

Sometimes we are forgiven, sometimes we are not.

But one thing I believe for certain, is that we are always held accountable in some fashion or another for our actions. Whether it is receiving a bonus for a job well done, a bill going to collections because we didn't bother to pay it or when those we've mistreated rebel and let us know how we are accountable to them, at some point, I definitely believe it comes full circle.

Someday, there are dealings with that I will be held accountable for. Most likely with my child the child within me, he is a glorious being for which I should be grateful but have not always been able to honor out of selfishness. The pig-tailed little Sarah, her owies seems still fresh some days and fully scabbed over the next, the healing never seems to end and when she thinks she might be reaching a place of comfort, some white blinding flash of pain reminds her that she her owies are still tender for the mistakes she made.

Everyday, I am certainly held accountable and responsible for my very own existence.
Going to work every day so that I may achieve a goal set by my clients, for which I am then held accountable for.
Going to work every day so that I may support my family and my home, for which I am then held accountable for.
Going home every day and working just as hard as I do at my day job, so that I may achieve goals set by myself and collectively by those I love.
Going home every day and working just as hard as I do at my day job, so that I may enjoy the environment I am striving to create.
Loving my child and working to be a better mother to him than the day before.
Loving my partner and working to be a partner to him than the day before.
Striving to live consciously and wholly.
Striving to live completely and spiritually.

And on and on and on...every day, we are all spinning in a wheel of accountability and responsibility.

It's pretty simple stuff, accountability, responsibility, facing the very reality of every day life and exploring yourself within, living by the core rules that are written so boldly on our hearts....living with a conscious, living with integrity and listening to your heart. The responsibility of your heart and spirit, what you hear it saying and letting it guide you.

I suspect there is a much greater ease in living in this manner, fighting it only seems to bring upon the sort of accountability that severs friendships and creates tensions in our culture.

My hope is that I can continue to work toward this goal rather than away from it.
My hope is that we can all hold ourselves accountable internally and see how that manifests externally.
My hope is that those who are struggling with their own wrongdoings, that they will be held accountable justly and fairly, without excessive harshness.
My hope is that our Global Community can hold itself accountable and that we will survive.

It Saddens Me

It saddens me that when I draw boundaries with people, when they have explicitly and clearly crossed the line, there is instant attitude and defensiveness. I understand that because I have not been consistent in my messages in the past, that I am responsible for how people treat me and I am working through that, but it still makes me sad.

Sad that I should bare the brunt their anger because I stood up for myself. That I then become the outcast, the scapegoat, the "bad guy", no longer a "true-friend."

Saddens me even more that I've always know that might be the case if I were to ever put my foot down and what does that say about the friendship in the first place?

Mostly, what's probably the saddest of all...is that I just don't care all that much. It's not keeping me up at night knowing that they are angry at me or that I might not be a part of their lives any more. I love these people, but I can no longer find the room in my spirit to allow them to treat me poorly and take advantage of me and when I expressed this through my actions and directly verbally, the friendship became unstable.

This is the very sort of social drama I am working to disengage from. I simply don't have the energy, not to mention that it is not conducive to healthy friendships or healthy people within those respective friendships.

I'm just sort of done with it. If this means that I at some point am down to a very small, select few group with whom I interact on only rare occasions, so be it. I am sort of ready for that in many ways as I can clearly see how I've allowed myself to be distracted by many and the quality of those distractions was low to moderate at best.

I am shifting again, I feel it. Growing, becoming my "self." I did this at about 24 or 25. It was an intensely spiritual journey in many ways and I find the seeds of such in my heart at the moment. I made choices in friendships during that time too...housecleaning if you will. It gets easier with age I am finding, maybe because I feel more secure in myself and the life I am creating, or maybe I just don't have the same needs.

The bottom line is this, there are some people in your life that will be an indefinite figure in your life, I can name a few and I feel incredibly lucky that I can do that. The rest, come and go and that's ok too, but one thing I have learned in these past several years is how to establish a level of mutual respect within your relationships from the get go, otherwise the relationship simply cannot exist.

It's just hard for me to see people treat each other this way, to be petty and catty and disrespectful of one another. This life is just too short to waste it on such trivial things.

WRONG-0 Daddio

Weekend got jacked up, too much to do and not enough hours...but it's getting better. Less distractions, more interactions...it's a good place to be even though the balance will take some time to level out.

Max and I are often at odds these past few days, I wonder if a small break might be good for us. He lambasted me in therapy the other night, I know this might not be appropriate...but he pissed me off SO bad during that session, I mean I still find myself feeling anger toward him. Not because of WHAT he said, but because of HOW and WHY. I felt he was being smug, bordering on disrespectful and blatantly giving Georgia a show. He was behaving in such a false manner, even though his message was clear...I don't know, it almost seemed like he just looking for a fight. I was disappointed in him and felt like he was manipulating the situation, that's not cool at all. Real frankly, since our communication has been poor. I definitely plan to bring it up at the next session.

I am in a particularly rebellious mood myself this morning, probably vibing off of MJ's little 'tude from the weekend or maybe it's my new Pink CD - this is a great one for those moments in life when a girl feels like hearing a little female angst in full throttle. I love that she's not afraid any more, to say what's on her mind. To drop the F bomb and say what she thinks about the men in her life, her family, her ex-lovers and the ones to come....she just doesn't take any shit, it's hard NOT respect that. It's been enjoyable watching her evolve as an artist from the early days, Pink's a good girl in my book, I'd buy her a beer anytime.

I should get to work, my desktop has been al out of sorts lately, I am pretty sure it's a memory issue conflicting with my .Net install...which I told them about 3 or 4 weeks ago at least...achem, anyway...but I think it's fixed now. That's what IT tells me anyway. The worst part is that most times, I can easily troubleshoot and fix whatever is wrong with my workstation....but I am not "allowed" as I am simply a lowly peon developer and not an IT Administrator (at this job anyway)...plus I don't think they'd appreciate being shown up by a "chick"....alas my lovelies, it is still true that even in an industry in which I've been working for almost a decade now, my fellow techie momma's and myself face the occasional a-hole with a stereo-type in his mind about women and technology. Luckily, there is only one said a-hole here, and he's on vacation this week. In a perfect world, he would be on vacation permanently.

Happy Monday, cheers to you all - have a lovely week:)

Yes, Yes, I AM The Goddess

I am gloating a little here, but guess what? You know this project I have been working so diligently on for the past several months? Well the client, they sent me a bonus!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay Mango!

The letter reads:

*********************************************************
Dear Sarah,

*Client Organization* and particularly myself, would like to thank you for all your incredible work and time you have put into the Mirage start-up as well as for all you do with Anso.

Your professionalism, integrity, willingness to do whatever it takes to get the job done right, and most importantly your wonderful and calming attitude is most appreciated.

Please use this toward something that makes you happy.

Warmest Regards,

*Project Lead Name" and "Client Organization"
*********************************************************

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay Mango!

I really am touched, I guess it reminds me that my efforts mean something to someone! I've never gotten a bonus before, wow.

Good Job Mango-Goddess!

Weekend Goddessry

June 9th, 10th, 11th Weekend Itinerary

* Friday - June 9th
Afternoon = Clean, clean, clean da hisouze and C & Mj are helping so it will all go much quicker:)
Evening = Chillax (Chill + Relax, durhhhh)

* Saturday - June 10th
7 - 3 = Work, work, work (Need a comp day!)
Call My Aunty & My GramE (Cuz it's my GramE's birthday, hee hee)
Evening = Real Climate Viewing @ The Mayan w/ CMan, his lovely Momma Bear, Maxter & Me Momma Bear

* Sunday - June 11th
Grociery Shopping (boooooo, baaaad)
Sleep, rest, Chillax & Work out

I am such a Goddess, I can do it all...clean the castle, bring home the bacon, enjoy my flamily (this is NOT a typo - FLAMILY is a word accidentally created by Chance!) and maybe, just maybe find a few moments in the day to love myself, yay me!

Lemeeeeee C Here......

I seem to have contracted a terrible case of cabin fever as of the past several days and am having an extremely difficult time concentrating at work. It's really taking more effort than usual for me to get anything done and I just cannot seem to get on task.

My hopes are, that if I take a few moments to blogg about my thoughts I can set them free to the Universe and move along happily with my very busy day.

So, Lemeeeeee C Here......

* I am becoming bored with work, I have a good job but feel a little burned out.

* I think sometimes I just don't want to work any more and would rather travel, work on my house and spend alot of time healing my wounded places.

* My weekends and/or free time have not been very restful for quite some time now, I am hoping that will change and am very genuinely going to make efforts on my part to make that happen.

* We are talking about some short, affordable ways to get our arses up to My Mountains this summer and possibly Washington State in August. We are getting creative in these endeavors, I think it is irritating that money is required to do so much.

* Did I mention I'm not a big fan of currency? It all seems so fake anyway, it's not like when my paycheck gets deposited, that's really MY money. It almost instantly becomes someone else's money in exchange for simple survival. That seems SO wrong to me somehow.

* It is practically silent in my office, someone made a boo boo on a project scheduled to go live yesterday afternoon and we now have an app in production that is totally FUBAR'd, this makes people cranky and I am happy I am not the one under the bus at the moment.

* I started a beautiful blog on evolution and technology and my mind is swirling with it, but my lack of mental focus at the moment cannot even seem to bare completion of said blogg.

* Chance was so sweet to me last night, he is a good man and I am grateful for the interactions and understanding we now have of one another. I once that love might get boring with time or feel used, I can tell you that it is quite the opposite. We had a tough period after the move, but the gentle sweet eyes of my lover have returned and this makes me very happy. Oh yes and I suppose I've sort of come down to some level of normalcy now that we are settled (sort of) into a life that does not feel like living in the Insane Clown Circus.

* I keep thinking about how my social circle has whittled away considerably in the past 2 years or so and that I don't really miss it all that much, I miss the genuine interactions like my talks with Crystal at my house and how Kristen and I used to spend HOURS and HOURS on the phone or doing stuff with the kids, but that's all changed and I think it's just cuz we are all growing up and life changes.

* Woman have very interesting relationships with one another, it's probably not something men often understand. Just how I don't understand why 13 year old boys can kick the crap out of each other one minute and still be best friends the next?

* Speaking of, Mj is turning 14 this year. It shows to, he's really huge and his manly features are becoming very predominant. Man in training I suppose, it's the real deal now that's for sure.

* My ice tea is all watered down now, but still rather tasty. Did you know that ice from convenience store, restaurants and airlines have some of the highest levels of bacteria in one concentrated area than almost any other massively produced "food item." ew.

* Ok ok ok...back to work argh.

* PS: I've been having a little nudge nudge of the cigarette craving these past few days....I guess it's really true that this is a life long battle, I wish I'd never started. I also wish that with all there is in life, why can't just ONE "bad" - but oh so enjoyable - thing be allowed? Like cigarettes, or chocolate or red wine.......Just one thing? PULLLLEASE cut me a break here!

My Sobriety

Found myself in that circle once again
The one where I end and you begin
And then again and again and again

It is the circle of my addictions
For food, wine, love or instant gratification
It is the cycle of my predilections
For reaching some glorious, unknown edification

Starting somewhere around my conception
I became a slave to sources of sensory disconnection
For there are theories that one's sobriety
May be linked to their inherent biology

This theory does not make room for pointing fingers
Only opens up discussions for a clear urge that lingers
If she or if he or if they, maybe then I would not have to diligently fight
To not digress so willingly to darkness and rather, strive for brilliant light

However convenient this excuse may be
I cannot blame it on them so easily
For I am a being undefined by historical patterns
I have the responsibility for that of what matters

With this responsibility, I choose My Sobriety

Choice, unbound by need or desire
Respect, for body and health
Clarity, of mind and spirit
Integrity, to truly live within it
Honor, of myself and my love

Cheers to less excess and more success!

The Proof!

Crystal & I in Boulder on that sunny, serene May day in 2006! I LOVE you girl!

Souls Sister From Seattle - A Recap Of Crystal's Visit

How We've Changed As Individuals, But Distance A Bond Does Not Break!

Ah, my sweet Crystal, she is indeed someone I will carry with me forever.  Our experience with one another is not a common one, nor is it easily explained or defined.  The very nature of our meeting was an indication to the unique relationship that would unfold between us!

Dead Natzi's Forever!
FYI:  This is a lethal shot of Rumplemintz & Jagermiester and maybe something else...it's not good and I've never touched one since Crystal practically forced (wink) it on me that night at Traks.

 

I am still feeling snuggly from our visit, but it was harder than I expected to part ways.  I miss her smile and defiant softness...the way we just sort of get each other in some unspoken motion.  I don't connect with anyone in the manner that I do with her, it's sort of odd sometimes and I know neither of us question it, just accept it as our unique form of telepathy.  I've always thought it is is because we are both of the Crazy Aquari Woman, which by default establishes us as a force to reckoned with. 

 

We spent a lovely day in Boulder, it really was very serene and comforting.  I felt honored that she took an entire afternoon out of her schedule to travel with me to one of my favorite places.  She bought the gong clock, which I now plan to get for Chance for the holiday's...except (psss) it's really for me ;-P

 

Crystal's metamorphosis is quite obvious, especially coming from someone who knew her pre-Seattle resident.  I knew being in the Northern Pacific would have the exact effect she described to me, tranquility and oneness.  She is a water-bunny after all and I also knew that even though she didn't know it yet, that the water would speak to her and she would never be the same.  I also firmly believe that living in other geographic locations is a must in regards to personal-growth, it offers new experiences and faces.  I believe this is part of how we learn about ourselves.  Leaving Colorado would be good for her, however painful.  That was my way of consoling myself in my grief when her and Dane announced they were moving.  Let me just reiterate my lack of tolerance for goodbyes, but I am getting good at it any more because I am now learning that goodbye does not mean forever, it took me a long time to learn this.  Luckily Crystal is one of those cases.  My favorite and most visible change in her is her sense of self, you can see great strides in her personal perspective.  I think she's had more time to focus on herself first.  Frankly, I was happy about the idea that she might travel to Seattle where the history of Colorado and the drama's incurred here might be able to escape her for a time and allow her to breathe a while.  I think that's exactly what happened.

 

I sense it's not been easy.  I know she misses us girls, that connection is pivotal for her I think.  But I wonder if all the distractions of others has not also aided greatly in the more centered person I saw two weeks ago? 

We spent the entire 5  or 6 hours we had with one another in constant discussion, there was way too much to talk about and ponder and collectively figure out.  I miss that too, Crystal is one of my greatest sounding boards....partly because she simply does not judge and she has a good understanding of how I think about things, how I process.  I could say something so completely off-color and she'd nod and ask me what I thought was next or how I felt about it without even a blink?  Crazy girl.  I agreed that we should probably talk on the phone more though I'm not sure we really get enough from the phone, it's sort of a tease I guess...but it'll have to do.

Then it was girls night out at the local RockABilly club which we ended up having an absolutely wonderful time, good choice girl.  It also reminded me that there is every kind of seedy bar down on Broadway, I always forget about that side of town when we are trying to figure out what to do for a night out.

I of course cannot recount the visit without making fun of her ever fading voice during the visit due to fatigue obviously.  At one point, she sounded like a pre-pubescent boy with laryngitis which was quite entertaining to say the least.  Sorry Crys, we were laughing at your misery.  Bad Sarah & Rhi!  Poor girl.  Chance picked us up and took us home we put Crystal promptly to bed and made her sleep at least a little before her next grand adventure to Vegas with Rhi.

 

Her visit reminded me of the long hours we worked to dissect the going on's of our lives, the broken hearts and tears and alot of giggling throughout the years.  I am not sure how I've changed, but I am sure I have...I think I've matured a little this last year, it's something tangible for me...I can see it in myself.  I know she is also quite happy that Chance is a good man and that Maxter is a good boy with lots of love still for his momma.  We have a good life together.  She had some very valuable words for me on the subject of being a teenager and how the relationship with her father has progressed since, it's encouraging. 

 

Needless to say, her visit to Colorado was warmer and more wonderful-er (laugh) then I could've hoped for.  It's good to know that the bonds created between two water-bunnies cannot be broken by distance or time.

Next time though, Crystal...are you listening?  Next time, it's girls night out complete with a Rebecca Peck from Texas.  yup.  good times:)

 

Except I still get to steal you for a whole day, so there.  neener neener boo boo

 

 

 

Thursday Morning Thought

It's pretty easy to get overwhelmed in this life. There are considerable demands on all of us, our spirits are constantly tested and our fundamental daily existence can be quite trying, but equally divine.

My GramE once said to me that so much of what happens to us in life has much more to do with how we react, perceive and define it...not necessarily the act or event itself, wise words indeed.

My question this morning is:

With life as demanding as it truly is, am I simply too consumed by the demands and easily overwhelmed or is this everyone's experience and they do not display it so publicly? Am I simply to sensitive to the difficulties I face, the frustrations? Surely we are all facing great hardships AND great reward? Why am I so overcome by the news in Haditha or seeing a man eat out of the garbage? When I look to my neighbor at work or in the car or in line at the grocery store, I don't see their eyes filled with tears when they fall upon the homeless man or the news of someone's death. Nor do I see those same eyes fill with light at the sound of music or a baby laughing or a furry bunny.

I don't think I am special because emotion overcomes me easily, I just wonder if I am a little too fragile, to easily absorbed.

Blahg

Glimpses Of Current Thoughts:

• There is much to be written, many goings on at this moment. 
• Heavy minds, beating hearts, selfish needs. 
• I find myself with less and less time to write in my blogg, or write my family, or write for myself. 
• Time has become invaluable, I wish it weren't fleeing me so eagerly. 
• I am irritated with the inconsideration shown by others in my home over the weekend.
• I don't know when we will invite them again, unlikely it will be any time soon.
• Max is done with 7th grade tomorrow, he's too big of a boy...I wish he'd slow down a little.
• Crab dinner, I hope he enjoys it.
• This cycle of weekly and weekend events has become intolerable, I am ready for release of this pattern and renewal of new ones.
• Chance is a loving and wonderful man, I am blessed by him truly, even if he does leave greasy messes in places I didn't know existed.
• Work is keeping me occupied, but I am becoming increasingly bored with this project. 
• There is a strange aire in the office today, alot of personalities clashing and snappiness.
• I wonder what the planets would say about that?
• Vacation sounds good.
• Music misses me.
• My stomach is growling, much to do...better get back to work.

The Screaming Banchee's (Cat Chaos)

3:12 AM
I make my nightly rounds for water and visiting the little girls room, all is calm. Gaia cat is sleeping peaceful on the floor next to the bed and Pumpkin is sitting outside our bedroom door dutifully guarding our domain.

3:34 AM
I awake to Chance bolting out of bed and the most atrocious squaloring sound. Chance's eyes are huge, I look over to this side and there is literally fur flying every where and this rolling ball of claws, tails, snarling teeth and a strange cream and white color I am not familiar with. It looked like a cartoon. Chance grabs Gaia cat, who is poofed up to twice her size easily. Gaia is hissing and spitting, clearly ready to brawl and barely missing Chance's face with her claws in attempts to be put down. I throw my shirt over Pumpkin cat's head who is making a great effort to bite me with her one tooth. Pumpkin is mewling in a most unrecognizable tone and her whole skinny little body is shaking, I can feel her rib cage working hard and I put her in bathroom and shut the door.

Chance: (With huge wild eyes) "What the hell is going on?" ~ puff ~ puff ~

Sarah: "I don't know, I thought it was just Gaia and Pumpkin but something doesn't sound right....."

- enter scurrying and scuttling sounds from under my side of the bed, by the wall -

Chance: "Is there another cat in here? Holy crap, I thought someone broke in or you were screaming...are you ok?"

Sarah: (Getting up and looking under bed) "Oh My Gawd, Chance there's another kitty under here...this kitty is totally freaked out...awwww, what do we do???"

- enter very sweet, cream and white colored Tabby cat who is also poofed up like a large cotton ball with razor sharp claws, but trying to become invisible in the wall -

Sarah: "Hey, what is this kitty doing in here? Why is this kitty and our kitty fighting?"

Chance: "Sarah, get a towel"

Sarah: "Ok" (Get's towel and clumsily throws on Tabby kitty and almost trips into the wall)

- Tabby kitty does not like the towel, or frenzy of strange hands, smells and sounds trying to control her. She is hissing, spitting, mewling and trying to claw Chance's eyeballs. At one point all I see is Tabby kitties little face all squished down, ears pulled back and teeth showing - surrounded by a towel, a Tabby kitty burrito. She is quickly escorted down the stairs and out the door - Poor kitty;(

3:42 AM
While Chance is fighting the Tabby burrito down the stairs and I'm in shock, staring at the fur all over the floor.

Max: "Mom, what the heck is going on out here? What is that?" (Mj points to the fur that is all over the floor)

Sarah: "I don't know honey, go back to sleep but we think a kitty got in the house and caused havoc."

Max: (Nodding knowingly) "It came in through the basement I bet."

Sarah: "Yeah, you are probably right. Go to sleep, love you!"

3:48
Gaia cat and Pumpkin cat begin stalking our bedroom again, searching for signs of the intruder.
Pumpkin is mewing gently and Gaia seems uncertain that the stranger is indeed gone. .....

Chance: "Mango, I'm not sure I can go to sleep."

Sarah: (Hugging Chance) "I know, me too. Where do you think that kitty come from? Poor kitty, did you see? She was terrified!"

Chance: "I don't know, but we have to keep that basement window shut, even if it's hot."

Sarah: "Oh my gosh, what if that had been a raccoon? Our kitties would be toast!"

- This conversation of what if's, how mean raccoon's can be and our thanks that the cats don't seem to have suffered much more than a little lost fur and perhaps a new found fear of cat burglars goes on for a bit and then off to sleepy sleep. I am thinking of the Tabby kitty this morning and hoping it is not hurt, Gaia isn't exactly a force to be reckoned with, she doesn't mess around but she is not overtly aggressive either....she was just protecting us. But what if the Tabby kitty has no home and was scared because of the thunderstorms last night? Or was hungry and was drawn in by the cat food smells? Chance didn't see her there, all backed up into the wall and shivering and clearly totally traumatized. I'm not sure what to do now???? -

What a night! Nothing like waking up to Screaming Banchee's in the middle of the night, freaking cats ~ shakes head ~

Bunny TV! All Bunnies, All The Time!

Where there were once no bunnies, there are now bunnies. Every where.

Pulling into the parking lot, there are bunnies dashing from the safety of one green patch of bushes and grass to another.
Getting out of my car, there are bunnies scurrying from the car next to me to the nearest hiding spot.
Walking at lunch, there are bunnies peaking out at me from behind the various tree's that line the building.
Leaving work in the afternoon, there are bunnies making yet another mad scramble for the closest refuge possible.

Bunnies, bunnies, bunnies. I guess it's true what they say, about rabbits and their ability to reproduce rapidly. I know scientifically that rabbits have a very short gestation period and this is why 2 bunnies can suddenly blossom into 10 and then 20 and then 30 within weeks, but my devilish side conjures images of waskily little wabbits deeply in rabbit love (thus unable to keep their furry little paws off of one another) and planning their bouncy little families.

sigh. Bunny love - see what Spring can do to a girl? It's really very cute and they make me giggle with their frantic hops from one spot to another and that I can sense them waiting for me to pass this spot of shrubbery or that, as if I were a threat. Actually, I fear it is not me they should be concerned with...it is our landscaping company. I am worried that the little bunnies will be considered pests and be "relocated" (which I think is a fancy word for "exterminate" to avoid reprisal from any local animal rights organizations) just like the prairie dogs from last spring who had also apparently been quite busy in the early months of Spring. But I wont' think of that, I'll think of sweet furry little bunnies and how much I want to hold one but I cannot cuz I'll get my weird human smell all over them and then they'll be the little outcasted bunnies in the bunch, you'll be able to tell which ones by their mohawks and piercings. Those are the ones that have been touched by us yucky humans you know!

Back to work, coming soon......

- Souls Sister From Seattle - A Recap Of Crystal's Visit
(How We've Changed As Individuals, But Distance A Bond Does Not Break! BTW: Crystal and I are water bunnies, we decided that this weekend. BUNNIES YAY!)
- The Self-Propagating Victim
(A Look At How Some Woman Cannot Break Their Own Vicious Cycle.)
- A Spring Journey
(My Personal Recap Of The Joys & Wonders of A Rocky Mountain Spring, Just For My GramE With A Picture For My Aunty MB!)

Catch ya on the flip side and remember to Love Your Local Bunnies!

As Spring Blooms...

It's a beautiful morning here.

I almost cried when I stepped out of my car to head into the office this morning. In spite of a major interstate running straight through the landscape, there is a breathtaking view of the Boulder Flat Irons (foothills) from my office and this morning everything seemed so awake and brilliant, it felt newly washed.

The grass is greener than I've seen in years, all things great and small are blooming into life and the smells are marvelous.

I live for Spring, it is when I feel most alive, most creative, most motivated. I often fear the changes in season as this transition has historically equated with emotional upheavals, even with all that, it is hard to ignore how captivating Spring in Colorado is. I could get lost in it. I find myself, throughout the work day, day-dreaming and wanting badly to be outside and out of this caged environment made up of cube walls and fluorescence. In here it is listless and void of life; out there is where I need to be.

~ sigh ~

Amidst all this beauty Mother Nature is bestowing upon us, my family and I have settled into a pattern of endless work days, attending Max's various events and attempting to get him there on time, more work in our home, and occasionally stealing a few moments to be in love with it all. Sometimes it feels like too much and sometimes it doesn't. I trust in the lessons I am learning at the moment, one of which is that being a big girl in life comes with a price, perhaps one I've hid from for many years. Maybe I've been lazy, or indifferent to the idea of it all, or my mind was elsewhere, or I've simply been just trying to stay afloat and do this "growing up" thing in the process, which is most likely the case.

Nurturing and loving a child, honoring the commitments I've made to the man I love, being a loyal and available friend, living consciously of the world and of self, working diligently for my employer, being a woman in a culture that still seems so divided on whether to hate us or love us; etc., etc., etc., There are days when this is all really hard work and I find myself longing for some unknown life of naps, pampering and reckless abandon to all responsibilities except that of myself. Then on most other days, it doesn't feel like work at all and by the grace of some powers that be, I've been afforded the luxury of love and so much opportunity, I can barely stand it. It is difficult to explain why I am so grateful for every moment of joy, why it overcomes me.

It's hard to relay to others where I've been. That place still lives within me somewhere, it is painful and harsh and deeply solitary. I realize now that it is hard for others to understand because the woman I am now, is not the child I was then. Save for a few individuals whom I've known since childhood, the majority in my life now have no tangible means in which to measure my growth or why it is that I am so overcome by all that I find myself surrounded with....and really, they needn't know much of any of it anyway. Because it does not matter. It does not matter to them, the embarrassments and indignities of my youth; the lengths in which I went to escape being yet another statistic, only to become one anyway in another manner; the struggle to find myself after all those years of control; the fight to care for someone else when I could barely care for myself; the years I spent being darkly introspective and healing from things I could not control. Every mistake, every scraped knee and bruised ego, none of this matters. It doesn't matter because all that falling down is part of what is helping me stand tall today. I somehow came across others in my life who can appreciate this rather than chastise or condemn me for a past that was not all my own.

I sometimes feel I am holding some hideous secret, if people knew this or that about me, then I'd be cast aside and deemed unworthy of their love. And isn't that worst thing really? To be unworthy or unloved. There was a time when I thought so. It has taken me 13 years to accept that some of my experiences were a direct result of my own personal choice, but there was so much that I do not have to feel guilty about, it wasn't my fault and I do not have to take responsibility for the actions of others. I do not need to live my life with the guilt and shame that was forced unto me by others and repeat it through eternity. But alas, forgiveness can be a tricky thing and that is what I'm really saying here is it not? That I must forgive those who have trespassed upon me, or must I forgive myself? For being a child, or fragile, or submissive, or afraid, or naive. I forgive me.

This is quite a tangent isn't it. I hadn't intended to go this route, but I've been thinking allot lately on the turn of events in the past 2 years or so and knowing that it must be another time of great change for me, another peak in the cycle. I've also been thinking about the person I've been and the person I am now and how are they different? How are they the same?

Ah, no coincidence that I might be having this thought process in the midst of Spring, a time for growth and renewal. I doubt it's coincidental really, makes perfect sense to me.

And with that my lovelies, I bid you a fair fond well and until next time, much love and hope you are all enjoying Spring wherever you may be.
l-s

Still Kicking....

I am still kicking, alive and well. Phone is toast so if you've tried to call me, I should have a new one by the weekend. Work is absorbing me and Max's schedule continues to be demanding. Our hot water heater went out, thank goodness for insurance....not so happy about the $$$ but it could've been a lot worse. I have very little social life outside of my home so nothing to report there. Chance is good, working hard and minding (ode to Carl) fairly well, but no better than usual:) inside joke.

Life is good, but summer is looking too nuts. I am already thinking about vacation and Max will be out of school in exactly one month. whoa.

ok, back to work. love to you all, I am still here and life is good but it's going to be another month or so before you hear much from me.

oh yes and PS, did anyone see this? HOLY CRAP! We were watching it and could not freaking believe it was real!
Bush Takes A Beating

PS: Thanks to Matty for stopping by Saturday night, congrats yo! I am so proud of you, keep up the good work :)