Holy Head Cold Batman

I am staring down this monitor with a very fuzzy head, enormous pressure on my sinuses and strange achiness all over my body. All forms of mental clarity have escaped me and I have only one, repetitive and inviting thought.....sleep. sleep. sleep.

Life is really great and I'm working diligently to keep that in mind as I try to get through this day without dozing off.....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Nose is starting to drip.

Scratchy throat is turning to achy throat.

In general, I feel like ca-ca. poo poo. ick. yuck.

I fear, it might be a head cold.

The sort that will feel like my head is in a vice, that burns my sinuses and dries my throat. I will wander abut the days in a congested haze, attempting at all costs to avoid the dreaded pseudoephedrine laden decongestants only to submit just so I can breathe and open my eyes all the way. And then I'll be even MORE whacked out because whatever it is that is in those heavy duty decongestant makes me feel like a child of the 60's having a flashback. Which if I HAD been a child of the 60's, I would be grateful for the experience, but since I am NOT, it's just uncomfortable.

I will make Chance insane through the night as I toss and turn, blow my nose and try really hard just to rest long enough to feel like I actually got some sleep instead of cursing the damn head cold for betraying me of my much beloved sleep.

Sidenote: It has been brought to my attention that I have not shared with many people the years in which I suffered fairly severe insomnia. Due to stress and an over active mind most likely. I suppose I never spoke of it much with others because it was something I'd suffered with for years and was mostly a normal part of my life. It got interesting during the more stressful periods of my life (the loss of loved ones, being unemployed, Max being sick, surgery) I envied those that could fall asleep in an instant, almost on command, in any location. Chance can do this. It still irritates me. However, I also haven't slept as good as I have in the past year that Chance and I have been living together - so I can forgive him for having the one super-power I wish I had. But my bottom line is that I sleep good now and for those of you who've ever experienced long periods with very little sleep, it is a blessing that I cannot describe in words.

~ aaaachoooooooooooooo ~
~ aaaachoooooooooooooo ~

yuck.

Okay then, well....now that I've thoroughly complained and whined and whimpered about something so simple as a common head cold, I'm going to go home and snuggle up in my bed and do a little napping, a little reading and make Chance take care of me when he gets home. That's what this is really all about you know...just making sure that Chance knows JUST how sick I really am so he can come home and take good care of his Mango. wink. wink.

Oh Glorious Day!

Today is a good day (Fav Ice Cube song EVER) even though the ever present drama-demon threatens, I am able to cast it aside without even flinching, nary a thought. Away ye demon, off with you now...buh bye!

I look at this life that I have, this amazing child, I mean he's just incredible. This man whom can see so deeply within me and still loves me so strongly somehow in spite of my oddities and pain. This home I never thought would really happen in a million years. A job where I feel I might settle for a few years and that would be ok, not just ok...it would be pretty good.

For as long as it all lasts, I vow to consciously live within gratitude.

What a strange life this is, how the transition from one level to another can occur within a millisecond. So many of those shifts are unforeseen, but some...like this moment which I find myself more and more each day, these are the shifts that I tentatively may look around and say "I did this. I made this happen." Not because I have some special key or because I have been favored by the Gods, but partly because I've worked so hard. So hard. Struggled. Cried so many big drippy tears that my face seemed permanently streaked for several years. Spent infinite hours considering myself, my family, this universe, love...life, breathing, breathe. Found great strength within myself when there wasn't a single soul in the world who wanted anything to do with the life I was trying to create at that time. Looking externally for so much and realizing that it was all within me, even if it meant I had to suck it up, wipe away the tears and tough it out through the times that WERE really hard; by M.Y.S.E.L.F! I really DID work hard. I gave it 100% and broke my neck and then bruised the hell out of every molecule of my body doing it.

I did it. I achieved. I climbed one more step.

This is not to say that I did not experience enormous influence and guidance or acquire a great many lesson from numerous sources along the way. Max as an influence is quite obvious I am sure, but his very existence breathes life into me and the World. Mary & Howard have been unwavering in their support. The love of Kristen and her family has been crucial, Carin taught me so much I did not know. Could not know. My Aunty MB and my beloved GramE & Grandpa John...their unique lives have encouraged me to be strong and unconditional and open with my love. The talks over the table on Teller, where Crys and I learned we were uniquely different but share the same thought process. And even the friendships that were never destined to be long term in nature or ended poorly, were powerful learning tools about letting go, saying goodbye and forgiveness. And now, Chance. And his Mom. They have brought so much to our lives. So so much.

So, no, I didn't do it alone. But I have worked hard. Damn hard. So damn hard. I am proud of that.

It is only now that I can look at the life around me and have some tangible result of my efforts. As the insanity of previous years winds down, I am anxious about what the future may bring, what experiences life may bestow unto me each day. I sense renewal, a new experience blossoms.

Though I have great pain and fear for our collective World at the moment, I have to trust that Love and Humanity will ultimately reign. We all have to, I believe it is all we have and the more we unite in a positive direction, the more the World may begin to heal and know it as Truth. It's hard not to feel overcome by all the strangeness of this moment in time, but even for all the wars and fighting and rage and intolerance that sometimes fills my view every where I turn, I trust the Love will overcome. Because I can see IT more clearly in my view than the darkness that attempts to pick at IT.

This all may seem very random, but in short, I am just happy. Happy to be alive and live this life. I have fears, they exist...that this all might crumble at any moment, but I can no longer take any stock in that sort of thinking as it's not served me well in the past. I'm just ready. Ready to move on. To grow, to heal, to live, to love.

And perhaps, the reason for all of this? I rolled over this morning to find this on my night stand:

Max had left it for me, it made my whole day. Maybe those Hippies had something after all?

Ya think?

Learning To Fly

I'm in training this week for SQL development, so far a good class. On lunch break now.

Weekend was good, worked on Saturday, had a great talk with my cousin and spent Saturday evening with numerous groups of friends. I've really missed B & his gals, it was nice to have a few moments of one on one with each of them, however fleeting it may be. Matt's lady friend is pretty great and I enjoyed getting to know more about her, I like the way he smiles at her. Great weekend over all:)

Congrats to Miss Crystal on the engagement, wow...freaking cool girl! It's going to be a blast and I'm so happy that Dane was able to make the experience memorable, I told him in IM the other day that you deserve the Princess Treatment and most certainly got it. I'm proud of Dane and incredibley happy for you! YAY:)

Life is good and we are managing to keep it quieter these days, mostly. This coming weekend should be very quiet, it's a weekend for just the 3 of us and I'm looking forward to it very much. This week is going to be sort of odd, so I won't be online much...but off for now.

Much love and toodles.
Peace
Mango Love Nugget

Shine On You Crazy Diamond

We'll miss you Roger (Syd) Barrett (Co-Founder Pink Floyd)

Reports do not indicate when and/or the exact cause of death, but I am saddened by the news as it is painful for a Rock Legend to fall. I believe his influence in music is wide-reaching and I am certain his former band-mates are mourning this loss tremendously. However, it is also widely known that Syd was a pretty tortured and pained individual, perhaps now he can rest and be at ease.

Shine On You Crazy Diamond!
"Come on you raver, you seer of visions, "
"come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!"

Put On A Happy Face

How does that song go?

"Gray skies are gonna clear up,"
"Put on a happy face;"
"Brush off the clouds and cheer up,"
"Put on a happy face."
Bye Bye Birdie

I've never heard that song all the way through and am sure I've only heard it in movies and the like, but I'm taking it's advice today....

It's been raining in Colorado for several days, but the heat is returning and I am so grateful for the rain we had over the weekend. We needed it so badly and it was nice and cozy, a good way to spend the few short days we are given each week to spend with our families and loved ones. The weekend....it was pretty great, I could use many many more like it. It was the first weekend in I don't know how long that we didn't have something filling it up the entire time. There weren't people at our house all weekend, there weren't excessive chores to be done, nobody had to work and my Little Man came home from the Grandparents in a fairly light and happy mood, for which I am truly greatful.

We met with C's family for Sunday lunch as his Grandfather was in town, what a treat to meet him! Though I was telling Max that Gayle & Chance must get their eyes from Gayle's Mom cuz Robert's (Gayle's Dad) are a brilliant and playful blue. Robert also just turned 70 this year which is like shocking when you meet him, whatever he's done his whole life to be in such great spirits and health, he could probably sell it in a bottle. Chance and I were discussing our hopes that we might be so lucky to have look so great in 40 years! We both agreed that laying of the Mexican food and beer would be a good start ;-)

It was also very sweet of Gayle to treat us all to such a great lunch, we are so broke and a good meal out was desperately needed. We will miss her so much, I worry that C isn't really showing his true feelings about them moving to California. I am heartbroken for one and I know Max is pretty sad too, but we keep rationalizing that California isn't that far away really, if we had to drive it or something it's doable.

I am looking forward to another, somewhat quiet weekend ahead. I hate to wish my life away by speeding through the weeks and longing for the weekends, but I think I am at that point in life where I'm just a bit fried on the whole work thing. I know, I know...I'd better suck it up. I've got what...another 35+ years of working ahead of me. sigh. ok, that's depressing. I love what I do, I love where I work...I just wish I had a bit more free time to be at home with my family. Even if just for a while, Max is growing so fast and I love my home but never have enough time in it.

I am finding myself absolutely exhausted a lot of the time, it's making it hard to get up and do anything but drag my butt to work and maybe get home and do some laundry and cook dinner. It's starting to concern me a bit, when I mentioned it to my doctor his instant response was that I was likely depressed and need Xanax, here Sarah, let me write you a prescription and dope you up like the other 2/3rds of America. No thanks, I am looking into another physician. If I am depressed, I don't want to fix it with a pill...I want to figure out why and get healthy, but mostly I think I am just worn down and often feel like I have very little, if any help because I do have a great deal of responsibility and most of it is not the kind that one can get help with. Except the guys can do things like put the toaster away when they are done with it or wipe up their crumbs or (gasp) actually put their dishes in the dishwasher. But otherwise, it's mostly stuff I have to do anyway. It's just life right?

Suck it up and put on a happy face. That's my motto for the day. It sounds a little bitter doesn't it? Doh...ah well, I don't mean to be. I, like most other working Mom's I know, just want a break...maybe a long term one that doesn't involve living my life in my car and working for a company that may appreciate me to some degree, but I am easily replaceable and therefore a drone. Like on a beach somewhere, sipping fruity drinks and looking absolutely fabulous doing so (cuz I magically lost 30 lbs) with Chance and watching Max frolic in the water.

sigh.

Calgon, take me away!

Not much new....

Here's a pic of Max sneaking up on me while I am cleaning the bathroom, he scared the crap out of me actually, enough to make me laugh pretty hard and then scold him for scaring his Momma Bear......

Not the most flattering, but hey...I'm a working Mom with 2 males that keep me pretty busy and a whole lot going on my crazy head...it's hard to be Goddess Like externally at all times:)

Anyway, not much new to report...life is good, albeit I feel the world has officially gone insane and I am just along for the ride. It's hard too feel positive some days when our bullying has finally caused others to play with their own nuclear toys so openly, there are hunger strikes and I have days where I feel this general sense of dread about the going on's of the world....but a girl's gotta keep her wits about her I suppose, otherwise I'd be brooding a whole lot more than I currently am.

We are off to see "An Inconvenient Truth" this evening and I am eagerly awaiting the return of my not-so-wee Big Man...though I anticipate their will be much attitude upon his return home. Moms' and their sucky rules - jeez! I'm such a horrid woman, really...ask anyone.

Gotta run, looking forward to getting home for a bit of time before CMan gets in and we get ready for another long weekend.

Smoochies Boochies Babies!

Long Weekends.....

....Are never quite long enough are they?

Friday night we wrapped up house cleaning and rested up for Saturday evenings concert. Saturday we were up finishing up some re-organizing we'd started Friday night and ended up working a good portion of the day before we got ready for the show. The house feels more and more like home every day, it's a good place to be:)

Saturday's show was great, The String Cheese Incident is by far one of the best jam bands I've ever seen. What a great vibe, great show and great people.....see my amateur camera phone photo's below:

And of course Chance with the much earned beer in hand while tailgating in the parking lot:


I'm not really sure what to say about the rest of the weekend, we mostly just spent it hanging out with friends. I'm not sure I got the time I was hoping to have with Chance, I was pretty disappointed actually that it didn't worked out as I'd hoped. Hopefully next time we can communicate better about such things. One thing I know for sure is that just as much as communication, forgiveness is a pretty pivotal piece in loving and committing to someone.

I did, however, experience a moment I NEVER thought I'd witness in a million years....


I know this doesn't look like much, but it's a bigger event in our house than one might think! While watching movies in my room yesterday afternoon, Pumpkin Cat kept nosing around but not perching in her normal spot by me on the bed because Gaia Cat was snoozing away lazily on the end of the bed and Pumpkin Cat still finds Gaia Cat rather annoying. Pumpkin mewed and purred and did everything to convince me that Gaia Cat should be kicked off the coveted bed spot and Pumpkin could then promptly take over, no fuss, no muss. I think Pumpkin needs to get over it. Gaia didn't even care about Pumpkin trying to get on the bed and was in a Cat Coma (that must be a good place to be because her eyes roll back in her head) and it's always Pumpkin cussing Gaia over some self-declared sense of seniority. So I didn't budge, but did try to coax Pumpkin up on the bed with me in the hopes that these two could finally stand one in another in such close proximity.

Much to my surprise, the coaxing was a success and after a lot of circling and Pumpkin eyeing Gaia carefully out of the corner of her eye while she kneaded my leg and the blanket into a comfortable spot for her sweet old bones, Pumpkin FINALLY laid down and joined Gaia cat in blissful Kitty Nap heaven. sigh.

The fact that I was able to get up and take a picture is even more shocking, neither of them even flinched when I moved off the bed to photograph them there. Has peace finally found our felines at last? Me thinks so:)

Max is still with the Grandparents until Saturday, I miss him terribley and he acts annoyed when I call. Sounds about right I guess for an almost 14-year old.

Ok, back to work...I'm definately not on top of my game this morning and have so much to do, I suppose I'd better get it together and get some work done.

Much love all, hope your long weekend was a good one!

Yes Indoodly Deedy......

I am sharing these quotes with you today....

"Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men."
--Goethe
Because Max's unwavering ability to dream big that bubbles brightly from his youth and obvious kindness inspires me, he inspires me every single day we share together....

Don't fight a problem, solve it!
--Millard Fuller
Founder of Habitat for Humanity International
Because Chance firmly subscribes to this principle and feverently encourages me to do the same when I am whining.....

If things are not going well with you, begin your
effort at correcting the situation by carefully
examining the service you are rendering, and
especially the spirit in which you are rendering it.
--Roger Babson
Because my behaviors may cause others question, but my spiritual journey is very much centered on the growth of my spirit and how it is rendered to the Universe and those whom inhabit it, which includes every bruise, bump and trip up along the way....

The reason a dog has got so many friends is
because its tail waggles and not its tongue.
-Anonymous
Because gossip and spreading people's business is far more dangerous than one might think.....

Busy Bee's

Not much time to write, hopefully tomorrow or very soon I will have time to post my most recent train of thought....

much love all
~ Mango

Finally....

A weekend to myself. A weekend to do as I wish, with my time. We have plans of course, to clean and spend time perking up our every evoloving home a bit...but thank the Good Goddess that life has finally given me the opportunity to breathe and take some comfort in all my efforts.

I am also looking forward to some time with CMan, I miss him. We've had a rough week only b/c I think we are both a little stressed, overworked, underpaid and maybe just maybe we don't really with one another the value and importance of our love. Perhaps we've allowed some very negative distractions too close to home and have some healing to do?

I also have some lovely candles and incense I've been waiting to burn, our house in deeply in need of some cleansing.

All fairs well, not a complaint or gripe.

My only current primary concern is that of the mid-term elections, I am already feeling anxiety over the potential outcomes and locally, I think the fires are already being stoked as the advertisements for my vote have already begun.

My requests as a citizen are pretty basic, common sense stuff really....I'm not sure why that's so difficult to comprehend or achieve.

That part makes me sad:(

But otherwise, on a personal level, life is good the weekend promises to be lovely.

Much love all, catch ya on the flip side
~ Mango

Celebrate Summer Solstice!

Warmest wishes to all on this blessed day, the longest of the year and a day in which we take a moment to acknowledge the power of the sun and the life it bestows upon us!

For Mah Aunty MB (Cuz I love you!)

Aunty,

Here are some much promised pictures, I am sorry it took forever but I am a busy busy woman and admittedly a slacker who takes her sweet time doing just about EVERYTHING...BUT I got a too cool new camera phone (oh boy oh boy oh boy!) which is also an MP3 player and has everything a geeky-girl like myself might appreciate on it...except I've not had much time to play with it all, so we are still figure it out...

BUT...I have some pics for you, as promised. Now the floggings may cease....temporarily at least;)

This is Max at his tournament this weekend, he's wearing the White Jersey and blocking this punk kid (they lost) heading straight toward him.


This is Chance....becuase he refuses to give me a nice smile and show the world is gorgeous eyes, I am posting this very manly, lovely image of him smooching my favorite little Pumpkin Kitty. Hopefully, this will teach him to mind...but I doubt it:)

PS: This Pumpkin Kittie's favored location, otherwise it's the knee....

This is Max looking especially teenagerish in the back of my beloved Baby Jetta.

There will be more to come and I am sure the quality will increase as I figure out the best settings and what not, but have no fear...you will now have pics galore.

Love
Sarah

At the risk of sounding ungrateful for each and every lovely breath bestowed upon me by the grace of the Goddess, I am happy that this week is over. Exuberant. Really.

It's been a long one, some stress, some drama but mostly I am just looking forward to spending some time with my men-folk. Though the weekend is proving busy as ever, I it will be busy being healthy and focusing on that which deserves every ounce of my focus.

Max has a soccer tournament this weekend.
Saturday we have a 10 AM game & 3:30 PM.
Sunday, 9:30 AM & 3:30 (if they place, they play the afternoon, otherwise Sunday afternoon is all ours)

This afternoon, I plan to do a little shopping and then go home and watch my "Meeting People Is Easy" DVD from Netflix. For those of you who have don't know, this is a Radiohead rocumentary directed by Grant Gee and I've never been able to rent it anywhere until now, bless you Netflix, you are my hero. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00000IPG9/103-8846372-3765434?v=glance&n=130

Also, for those of you who don't know (duh, if you know me, you know this) Radiohead would be in heavy rotation on "Sarah's Life: The Soundtrack." You may also find my favorite indie rockers like Natalie Merchant and Coldplay, a dose of Massive Attack/Portishead trip-hop, a good healthy portion of 90's and early 2000's hip-hop rap (yo) and round it off with all my classics ranging from Supertramp & Tesla or maybe a little 80's Depeche Mode doh and don't don't don't forget to sprinkle my favorite, late night, boogey down girl beats...some good ole fashion, bass booming in your heart, tempo making your mind crazy....Techno like Mr. Paul Oakenfoald or ATB. Can't forget Bruce Cochburn and Francis Dunnery, ala Chances influence. Yep yep uh huh, woo hoo:) It would take me years to get all this stuff into one collection and probably a few brains cells.

~ shakes it off ~

That was a nice tangent, but now I am of course thinking of how long it's been since I did some mixing and burned some cd's. It's due time I'd say, really though...really what's on the forefront of my musical mind are 2 things:

1) ipod nano....ipod nano....IPOD NANO people!
It's rare that I pine for something material, I mean sure I might want something shiny to wear on my person or those cute chunky shoes or a new tattoo, but I am rarely impulsive enough to just go buy it (even if I have the money) because I want it. I generally have to make myself buy stuff out of need, this is probably due to being poor and a single Mom for almost half of my life now. But this IPOD thing, this is different. It is more like desire, dare I say lust for a thing. Now I've had lust before for "things", my Baby Jetta being one. I got it, hee hee...yay me. I still love "it" and "it' has become more like a friend to me then a "thing" and I still love the purple dashboard lights, the sunroof, power everything and um...the Turbo. Yes. Turbo's are good. Anyway anyway...back to my IPOD lust. The point is that I rarely want something this badly, but I REALLY want this and while this may sound very spoiled, I almost always get what I want. Eventually. You know why? Cuz I don't really want/need/ask for much AND Cuz I am the Independent Mango Momma, complete with her own money and J.O.B. and ability to get what she wants all by her bad self. But, *wink* C has hinted that he knows how badly I want this "thing" and that he might be inclined to "help" me buy it, except that he would get to use it "once in a while." There's always a catch (frown) I share EVERYTHING with EVERYONE....but there a precious few items that are mine..mine...mine. MINE! Yes, I was raised an only child and no, I don't like to share. This is one of those "things" that will be MINE, mine to customize my playlists and keep Chance's weird Dennis Leary stuff away, bad.

2) Studio Equipment In The Basement
Long ago I dreamed of Rock-Stardom, I could've been Gwen Stefani (hiccup, put down that martini Sarah, jeesh!) in another life time. But alas, I now do not have th waistline or even the stomach for it. The complete and utter lack of privacy would probably drive me right into the arms of a straight-jacket AND fighting with record-labels, oh that would be bad. I would end up some eccentric, reclusive artist like Prince or Andy Warhol. BUT....my passion for music still burns brightly and how I wish I had just a few simple items, a mixing board, a mic and an amp. And some sound proofing so we don't make the neighbors more annoyed with our loudness.

Ok, so #1 is more reasonable then #2 in terms of expenses but really I cannot have either at the moment so I will stop whining and going back to mere daydreams about IPOD playlists (mine - Enter Finding Nemo) and rocking out in the privacy of my own home with my mic and my tambourine and belting out crackly versions of my favorite songs through the amp.

~ shakes it off ~

Ok, enough day dreaming...I have half an hour of work left, for shame that I would write in my blogg on a Friday afternoon at work but hey, that's what I get paid the not-so-big bucks for right? To bust my a$$ through the week and slack a little on Friday afternoon?

Did I mention there is hardly a soul in the office today? Myself and one other gal are the only two developers here, it's wicked quiet and I enjoy that...but it also makes me want to run like the wind and go go go GO home! ;-P

Happy weekend all, much love and hopefully, some day soon, maybe for my Aunty MB I'll have some pics of MJ to get up here...maybe, if she's a good Aunty:)

:)

Accountability

Acknowledging accountability for ones behaviors, actions and decisions can be a difficult burden to endure.

Accountability for the positive achievements in life, is easy for some, not so for others.
Some are often embarrassed when others reference their achievements,
other times they can be filled with acceptance and pride for their diligence and effort in achieving those accomplishments.

Either way, acceptance of ones positive outcomes is a much simpler task then admitting to ones mistakes.

Accountability for a known (intentional or unintentional) negative impact on another or oneself, that's a much more painful and potential embarrassing journey.
It requires effort and energy, holding yourself accountable.
It requires honesty. With yourself and with others.
It requires looking inward at your own wrongdoings.
It requires getting real with yourself and those you have harmed.
It requires facing the reality, rather than running away or living in denial within.

It requires courage, but it's a nessisity courage.
The kind of courage a conscious heart must muster in order to heal.
Heal ones heart and spirit and the heart and spirit of another.

If you have abused, you are accountable.
If you owe money, you are accountable.
If you have taken advantage of the hospitality and good will of others, you are accountable.
If you lie, manipulate or purposefully coerce, you are accountable.
If you have emotionally drained, damaged or hurt another, you are accountable.
If you have pandered opportunity, you are accountable.
If you pre-emptively invaded a country based on false pretenses and kill hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians, you are definitely accountable.

Our experiences in this life time, be it positive or painful, are part of our growth experience. These experiences help us develop into the spirits we are ever evolving into, sometimes those experiences adversely effect others, sometimes we succeed and reach a pinnacle moment in our development, sometimes we inflict a damage that cannot be undone.

Sometimes we are forgiven, sometimes we are not.

But one thing I believe for certain, is that we are always held accountable in some fashion or another for our actions. Whether it is receiving a bonus for a job well done, a bill going to collections because we didn't bother to pay it or when those we've mistreated rebel and let us know how we are accountable to them, at some point, I definitely believe it comes full circle.

Someday, there are dealings with that I will be held accountable for. Most likely with my child the child within me, he is a glorious being for which I should be grateful but have not always been able to honor out of selfishness. The pig-tailed little Sarah, her owies seems still fresh some days and fully scabbed over the next, the healing never seems to end and when she thinks she might be reaching a place of comfort, some white blinding flash of pain reminds her that she her owies are still tender for the mistakes she made.

Everyday, I am certainly held accountable and responsible for my very own existence.
Going to work every day so that I may achieve a goal set by my clients, for which I am then held accountable for.
Going to work every day so that I may support my family and my home, for which I am then held accountable for.
Going home every day and working just as hard as I do at my day job, so that I may achieve goals set by myself and collectively by those I love.
Going home every day and working just as hard as I do at my day job, so that I may enjoy the environment I am striving to create.
Loving my child and working to be a better mother to him than the day before.
Loving my partner and working to be a partner to him than the day before.
Striving to live consciously and wholly.
Striving to live completely and spiritually.

And on and on and on...every day, we are all spinning in a wheel of accountability and responsibility.

It's pretty simple stuff, accountability, responsibility, facing the very reality of every day life and exploring yourself within, living by the core rules that are written so boldly on our hearts....living with a conscious, living with integrity and listening to your heart. The responsibility of your heart and spirit, what you hear it saying and letting it guide you.

I suspect there is a much greater ease in living in this manner, fighting it only seems to bring upon the sort of accountability that severs friendships and creates tensions in our culture.

My hope is that I can continue to work toward this goal rather than away from it.
My hope is that we can all hold ourselves accountable internally and see how that manifests externally.
My hope is that those who are struggling with their own wrongdoings, that they will be held accountable justly and fairly, without excessive harshness.
My hope is that our Global Community can hold itself accountable and that we will survive.

It Saddens Me

It saddens me that when I draw boundaries with people, when they have explicitly and clearly crossed the line, there is instant attitude and defensiveness. I understand that because I have not been consistent in my messages in the past, that I am responsible for how people treat me and I am working through that, but it still makes me sad.

Sad that I should bare the brunt their anger because I stood up for myself. That I then become the outcast, the scapegoat, the "bad guy", no longer a "true-friend."

Saddens me even more that I've always know that might be the case if I were to ever put my foot down and what does that say about the friendship in the first place?

Mostly, what's probably the saddest of all...is that I just don't care all that much. It's not keeping me up at night knowing that they are angry at me or that I might not be a part of their lives any more. I love these people, but I can no longer find the room in my spirit to allow them to treat me poorly and take advantage of me and when I expressed this through my actions and directly verbally, the friendship became unstable.

This is the very sort of social drama I am working to disengage from. I simply don't have the energy, not to mention that it is not conducive to healthy friendships or healthy people within those respective friendships.

I'm just sort of done with it. If this means that I at some point am down to a very small, select few group with whom I interact on only rare occasions, so be it. I am sort of ready for that in many ways as I can clearly see how I've allowed myself to be distracted by many and the quality of those distractions was low to moderate at best.

I am shifting again, I feel it. Growing, becoming my "self." I did this at about 24 or 25. It was an intensely spiritual journey in many ways and I find the seeds of such in my heart at the moment. I made choices in friendships during that time too...housecleaning if you will. It gets easier with age I am finding, maybe because I feel more secure in myself and the life I am creating, or maybe I just don't have the same needs.

The bottom line is this, there are some people in your life that will be an indefinite figure in your life, I can name a few and I feel incredibly lucky that I can do that. The rest, come and go and that's ok too, but one thing I have learned in these past several years is how to establish a level of mutual respect within your relationships from the get go, otherwise the relationship simply cannot exist.

It's just hard for me to see people treat each other this way, to be petty and catty and disrespectful of one another. This life is just too short to waste it on such trivial things.

WRONG-0 Daddio

Weekend got jacked up, too much to do and not enough hours...but it's getting better. Less distractions, more interactions...it's a good place to be even though the balance will take some time to level out.

Max and I are often at odds these past few days, I wonder if a small break might be good for us. He lambasted me in therapy the other night, I know this might not be appropriate...but he pissed me off SO bad during that session, I mean I still find myself feeling anger toward him. Not because of WHAT he said, but because of HOW and WHY. I felt he was being smug, bordering on disrespectful and blatantly giving Georgia a show. He was behaving in such a false manner, even though his message was clear...I don't know, it almost seemed like he just looking for a fight. I was disappointed in him and felt like he was manipulating the situation, that's not cool at all. Real frankly, since our communication has been poor. I definitely plan to bring it up at the next session.

I am in a particularly rebellious mood myself this morning, probably vibing off of MJ's little 'tude from the weekend or maybe it's my new Pink CD - this is a great one for those moments in life when a girl feels like hearing a little female angst in full throttle. I love that she's not afraid any more, to say what's on her mind. To drop the F bomb and say what she thinks about the men in her life, her family, her ex-lovers and the ones to come....she just doesn't take any shit, it's hard NOT respect that. It's been enjoyable watching her evolve as an artist from the early days, Pink's a good girl in my book, I'd buy her a beer anytime.

I should get to work, my desktop has been al out of sorts lately, I am pretty sure it's a memory issue conflicting with my .Net install...which I told them about 3 or 4 weeks ago at least...achem, anyway...but I think it's fixed now. That's what IT tells me anyway. The worst part is that most times, I can easily troubleshoot and fix whatever is wrong with my workstation....but I am not "allowed" as I am simply a lowly peon developer and not an IT Administrator (at this job anyway)...plus I don't think they'd appreciate being shown up by a "chick"....alas my lovelies, it is still true that even in an industry in which I've been working for almost a decade now, my fellow techie momma's and myself face the occasional a-hole with a stereo-type in his mind about women and technology. Luckily, there is only one said a-hole here, and he's on vacation this week. In a perfect world, he would be on vacation permanently.

Happy Monday, cheers to you all - have a lovely week:)

Yes, Yes, I AM The Goddess

I am gloating a little here, but guess what? You know this project I have been working so diligently on for the past several months? Well the client, they sent me a bonus!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay Mango!

The letter reads:

*********************************************************
Dear Sarah,

*Client Organization* and particularly myself, would like to thank you for all your incredible work and time you have put into the Mirage start-up as well as for all you do with Anso.

Your professionalism, integrity, willingness to do whatever it takes to get the job done right, and most importantly your wonderful and calming attitude is most appreciated.

Please use this toward something that makes you happy.

Warmest Regards,

*Project Lead Name" and "Client Organization"
*********************************************************

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay Mango!

I really am touched, I guess it reminds me that my efforts mean something to someone! I've never gotten a bonus before, wow.

Good Job Mango-Goddess!

Weekend Goddessry

June 9th, 10th, 11th Weekend Itinerary

* Friday - June 9th
Afternoon = Clean, clean, clean da hisouze and C & Mj are helping so it will all go much quicker:)
Evening = Chillax (Chill + Relax, durhhhh)

* Saturday - June 10th
7 - 3 = Work, work, work (Need a comp day!)
Call My Aunty & My GramE (Cuz it's my GramE's birthday, hee hee)
Evening = Real Climate Viewing @ The Mayan w/ CMan, his lovely Momma Bear, Maxter & Me Momma Bear

* Sunday - June 11th
Grociery Shopping (boooooo, baaaad)
Sleep, rest, Chillax & Work out

I am such a Goddess, I can do it all...clean the castle, bring home the bacon, enjoy my flamily (this is NOT a typo - FLAMILY is a word accidentally created by Chance!) and maybe, just maybe find a few moments in the day to love myself, yay me!

Lemeeeeee C Here......

I seem to have contracted a terrible case of cabin fever as of the past several days and am having an extremely difficult time concentrating at work. It's really taking more effort than usual for me to get anything done and I just cannot seem to get on task.

My hopes are, that if I take a few moments to blogg about my thoughts I can set them free to the Universe and move along happily with my very busy day.

So, Lemeeeeee C Here......

* I am becoming bored with work, I have a good job but feel a little burned out.

* I think sometimes I just don't want to work any more and would rather travel, work on my house and spend alot of time healing my wounded places.

* My weekends and/or free time have not been very restful for quite some time now, I am hoping that will change and am very genuinely going to make efforts on my part to make that happen.

* We are talking about some short, affordable ways to get our arses up to My Mountains this summer and possibly Washington State in August. We are getting creative in these endeavors, I think it is irritating that money is required to do so much.

* Did I mention I'm not a big fan of currency? It all seems so fake anyway, it's not like when my paycheck gets deposited, that's really MY money. It almost instantly becomes someone else's money in exchange for simple survival. That seems SO wrong to me somehow.

* It is practically silent in my office, someone made a boo boo on a project scheduled to go live yesterday afternoon and we now have an app in production that is totally FUBAR'd, this makes people cranky and I am happy I am not the one under the bus at the moment.

* I started a beautiful blog on evolution and technology and my mind is swirling with it, but my lack of mental focus at the moment cannot even seem to bare completion of said blogg.

* Chance was so sweet to me last night, he is a good man and I am grateful for the interactions and understanding we now have of one another. I once that love might get boring with time or feel used, I can tell you that it is quite the opposite. We had a tough period after the move, but the gentle sweet eyes of my lover have returned and this makes me very happy. Oh yes and I suppose I've sort of come down to some level of normalcy now that we are settled (sort of) into a life that does not feel like living in the Insane Clown Circus.

* I keep thinking about how my social circle has whittled away considerably in the past 2 years or so and that I don't really miss it all that much, I miss the genuine interactions like my talks with Crystal at my house and how Kristen and I used to spend HOURS and HOURS on the phone or doing stuff with the kids, but that's all changed and I think it's just cuz we are all growing up and life changes.

* Woman have very interesting relationships with one another, it's probably not something men often understand. Just how I don't understand why 13 year old boys can kick the crap out of each other one minute and still be best friends the next?

* Speaking of, Mj is turning 14 this year. It shows to, he's really huge and his manly features are becoming very predominant. Man in training I suppose, it's the real deal now that's for sure.

* My ice tea is all watered down now, but still rather tasty. Did you know that ice from convenience store, restaurants and airlines have some of the highest levels of bacteria in one concentrated area than almost any other massively produced "food item." ew.

* Ok ok ok...back to work argh.

* PS: I've been having a little nudge nudge of the cigarette craving these past few days....I guess it's really true that this is a life long battle, I wish I'd never started. I also wish that with all there is in life, why can't just ONE "bad" - but oh so enjoyable - thing be allowed? Like cigarettes, or chocolate or red wine.......Just one thing? PULLLLEASE cut me a break here!

My Sobriety

Found myself in that circle once again
The one where I end and you begin
And then again and again and again

It is the circle of my addictions
For food, wine, love or instant gratification
It is the cycle of my predilections
For reaching some glorious, unknown edification

Starting somewhere around my conception
I became a slave to sources of sensory disconnection
For there are theories that one's sobriety
May be linked to their inherent biology

This theory does not make room for pointing fingers
Only opens up discussions for a clear urge that lingers
If she or if he or if they, maybe then I would not have to diligently fight
To not digress so willingly to darkness and rather, strive for brilliant light

However convenient this excuse may be
I cannot blame it on them so easily
For I am a being undefined by historical patterns
I have the responsibility for that of what matters

With this responsibility, I choose My Sobriety

Choice, unbound by need or desire
Respect, for body and health
Clarity, of mind and spirit
Integrity, to truly live within it
Honor, of myself and my love

Cheers to less excess and more success!

The Proof!

Crystal & I in Boulder on that sunny, serene May day in 2006! I LOVE you girl!

Souls Sister From Seattle - A Recap Of Crystal's Visit

How We've Changed As Individuals, But Distance A Bond Does Not Break!

Ah, my sweet Crystal, she is indeed someone I will carry with me forever.  Our experience with one another is not a common one, nor is it easily explained or defined.  The very nature of our meeting was an indication to the unique relationship that would unfold between us!

Dead Natzi's Forever!
FYI:  This is a lethal shot of Rumplemintz & Jagermiester and maybe something else...it's not good and I've never touched one since Crystal practically forced (wink) it on me that night at Traks.

 

I am still feeling snuggly from our visit, but it was harder than I expected to part ways.  I miss her smile and defiant softness...the way we just sort of get each other in some unspoken motion.  I don't connect with anyone in the manner that I do with her, it's sort of odd sometimes and I know neither of us question it, just accept it as our unique form of telepathy.  I've always thought it is is because we are both of the Crazy Aquari Woman, which by default establishes us as a force to reckoned with. 

 

We spent a lovely day in Boulder, it really was very serene and comforting.  I felt honored that she took an entire afternoon out of her schedule to travel with me to one of my favorite places.  She bought the gong clock, which I now plan to get for Chance for the holiday's...except (psss) it's really for me ;-P

 

Crystal's metamorphosis is quite obvious, especially coming from someone who knew her pre-Seattle resident.  I knew being in the Northern Pacific would have the exact effect she described to me, tranquility and oneness.  She is a water-bunny after all and I also knew that even though she didn't know it yet, that the water would speak to her and she would never be the same.  I also firmly believe that living in other geographic locations is a must in regards to personal-growth, it offers new experiences and faces.  I believe this is part of how we learn about ourselves.  Leaving Colorado would be good for her, however painful.  That was my way of consoling myself in my grief when her and Dane announced they were moving.  Let me just reiterate my lack of tolerance for goodbyes, but I am getting good at it any more because I am now learning that goodbye does not mean forever, it took me a long time to learn this.  Luckily Crystal is one of those cases.  My favorite and most visible change in her is her sense of self, you can see great strides in her personal perspective.  I think she's had more time to focus on herself first.  Frankly, I was happy about the idea that she might travel to Seattle where the history of Colorado and the drama's incurred here might be able to escape her for a time and allow her to breathe a while.  I think that's exactly what happened.

 

I sense it's not been easy.  I know she misses us girls, that connection is pivotal for her I think.  But I wonder if all the distractions of others has not also aided greatly in the more centered person I saw two weeks ago? 

We spent the entire 5  or 6 hours we had with one another in constant discussion, there was way too much to talk about and ponder and collectively figure out.  I miss that too, Crystal is one of my greatest sounding boards....partly because she simply does not judge and she has a good understanding of how I think about things, how I process.  I could say something so completely off-color and she'd nod and ask me what I thought was next or how I felt about it without even a blink?  Crazy girl.  I agreed that we should probably talk on the phone more though I'm not sure we really get enough from the phone, it's sort of a tease I guess...but it'll have to do.

Then it was girls night out at the local RockABilly club which we ended up having an absolutely wonderful time, good choice girl.  It also reminded me that there is every kind of seedy bar down on Broadway, I always forget about that side of town when we are trying to figure out what to do for a night out.

I of course cannot recount the visit without making fun of her ever fading voice during the visit due to fatigue obviously.  At one point, she sounded like a pre-pubescent boy with laryngitis which was quite entertaining to say the least.  Sorry Crys, we were laughing at your misery.  Bad Sarah & Rhi!  Poor girl.  Chance picked us up and took us home we put Crystal promptly to bed and made her sleep at least a little before her next grand adventure to Vegas with Rhi.

 

Her visit reminded me of the long hours we worked to dissect the going on's of our lives, the broken hearts and tears and alot of giggling throughout the years.  I am not sure how I've changed, but I am sure I have...I think I've matured a little this last year, it's something tangible for me...I can see it in myself.  I know she is also quite happy that Chance is a good man and that Maxter is a good boy with lots of love still for his momma.  We have a good life together.  She had some very valuable words for me on the subject of being a teenager and how the relationship with her father has progressed since, it's encouraging. 

 

Needless to say, her visit to Colorado was warmer and more wonderful-er (laugh) then I could've hoped for.  It's good to know that the bonds created between two water-bunnies cannot be broken by distance or time.

Next time though, Crystal...are you listening?  Next time, it's girls night out complete with a Rebecca Peck from Texas.  yup.  good times:)

 

Except I still get to steal you for a whole day, so there.  neener neener boo boo

 

 

 

Thursday Morning Thought

It's pretty easy to get overwhelmed in this life. There are considerable demands on all of us, our spirits are constantly tested and our fundamental daily existence can be quite trying, but equally divine.

My GramE once said to me that so much of what happens to us in life has much more to do with how we react, perceive and define it...not necessarily the act or event itself, wise words indeed.

My question this morning is:

With life as demanding as it truly is, am I simply too consumed by the demands and easily overwhelmed or is this everyone's experience and they do not display it so publicly? Am I simply to sensitive to the difficulties I face, the frustrations? Surely we are all facing great hardships AND great reward? Why am I so overcome by the news in Haditha or seeing a man eat out of the garbage? When I look to my neighbor at work or in the car or in line at the grocery store, I don't see their eyes filled with tears when they fall upon the homeless man or the news of someone's death. Nor do I see those same eyes fill with light at the sound of music or a baby laughing or a furry bunny.

I don't think I am special because emotion overcomes me easily, I just wonder if I am a little too fragile, to easily absorbed.

Blahg

Glimpses Of Current Thoughts:

• There is much to be written, many goings on at this moment. 
• Heavy minds, beating hearts, selfish needs. 
• I find myself with less and less time to write in my blogg, or write my family, or write for myself. 
• Time has become invaluable, I wish it weren't fleeing me so eagerly. 
• I am irritated with the inconsideration shown by others in my home over the weekend.
• I don't know when we will invite them again, unlikely it will be any time soon.
• Max is done with 7th grade tomorrow, he's too big of a boy...I wish he'd slow down a little.
• Crab dinner, I hope he enjoys it.
• This cycle of weekly and weekend events has become intolerable, I am ready for release of this pattern and renewal of new ones.
• Chance is a loving and wonderful man, I am blessed by him truly, even if he does leave greasy messes in places I didn't know existed.
• Work is keeping me occupied, but I am becoming increasingly bored with this project. 
• There is a strange aire in the office today, alot of personalities clashing and snappiness.
• I wonder what the planets would say about that?
• Vacation sounds good.
• Music misses me.
• My stomach is growling, much to do...better get back to work.

The Screaming Banchee's (Cat Chaos)

3:12 AM
I make my nightly rounds for water and visiting the little girls room, all is calm. Gaia cat is sleeping peaceful on the floor next to the bed and Pumpkin is sitting outside our bedroom door dutifully guarding our domain.

3:34 AM
I awake to Chance bolting out of bed and the most atrocious squaloring sound. Chance's eyes are huge, I look over to this side and there is literally fur flying every where and this rolling ball of claws, tails, snarling teeth and a strange cream and white color I am not familiar with. It looked like a cartoon. Chance grabs Gaia cat, who is poofed up to twice her size easily. Gaia is hissing and spitting, clearly ready to brawl and barely missing Chance's face with her claws in attempts to be put down. I throw my shirt over Pumpkin cat's head who is making a great effort to bite me with her one tooth. Pumpkin is mewling in a most unrecognizable tone and her whole skinny little body is shaking, I can feel her rib cage working hard and I put her in bathroom and shut the door.

Chance: (With huge wild eyes) "What the hell is going on?" ~ puff ~ puff ~

Sarah: "I don't know, I thought it was just Gaia and Pumpkin but something doesn't sound right....."

- enter scurrying and scuttling sounds from under my side of the bed, by the wall -

Chance: "Is there another cat in here? Holy crap, I thought someone broke in or you were screaming...are you ok?"

Sarah: (Getting up and looking under bed) "Oh My Gawd, Chance there's another kitty under here...this kitty is totally freaked out...awwww, what do we do???"

- enter very sweet, cream and white colored Tabby cat who is also poofed up like a large cotton ball with razor sharp claws, but trying to become invisible in the wall -

Sarah: "Hey, what is this kitty doing in here? Why is this kitty and our kitty fighting?"

Chance: "Sarah, get a towel"

Sarah: "Ok" (Get's towel and clumsily throws on Tabby kitty and almost trips into the wall)

- Tabby kitty does not like the towel, or frenzy of strange hands, smells and sounds trying to control her. She is hissing, spitting, mewling and trying to claw Chance's eyeballs. At one point all I see is Tabby kitties little face all squished down, ears pulled back and teeth showing - surrounded by a towel, a Tabby kitty burrito. She is quickly escorted down the stairs and out the door - Poor kitty;(

3:42 AM
While Chance is fighting the Tabby burrito down the stairs and I'm in shock, staring at the fur all over the floor.

Max: "Mom, what the heck is going on out here? What is that?" (Mj points to the fur that is all over the floor)

Sarah: "I don't know honey, go back to sleep but we think a kitty got in the house and caused havoc."

Max: (Nodding knowingly) "It came in through the basement I bet."

Sarah: "Yeah, you are probably right. Go to sleep, love you!"

3:48
Gaia cat and Pumpkin cat begin stalking our bedroom again, searching for signs of the intruder.
Pumpkin is mewing gently and Gaia seems uncertain that the stranger is indeed gone. .....

Chance: "Mango, I'm not sure I can go to sleep."

Sarah: (Hugging Chance) "I know, me too. Where do you think that kitty come from? Poor kitty, did you see? She was terrified!"

Chance: "I don't know, but we have to keep that basement window shut, even if it's hot."

Sarah: "Oh my gosh, what if that had been a raccoon? Our kitties would be toast!"

- This conversation of what if's, how mean raccoon's can be and our thanks that the cats don't seem to have suffered much more than a little lost fur and perhaps a new found fear of cat burglars goes on for a bit and then off to sleepy sleep. I am thinking of the Tabby kitty this morning and hoping it is not hurt, Gaia isn't exactly a force to be reckoned with, she doesn't mess around but she is not overtly aggressive either....she was just protecting us. But what if the Tabby kitty has no home and was scared because of the thunderstorms last night? Or was hungry and was drawn in by the cat food smells? Chance didn't see her there, all backed up into the wall and shivering and clearly totally traumatized. I'm not sure what to do now???? -

What a night! Nothing like waking up to Screaming Banchee's in the middle of the night, freaking cats ~ shakes head ~

Bunny TV! All Bunnies, All The Time!

Where there were once no bunnies, there are now bunnies. Every where.

Pulling into the parking lot, there are bunnies dashing from the safety of one green patch of bushes and grass to another.
Getting out of my car, there are bunnies scurrying from the car next to me to the nearest hiding spot.
Walking at lunch, there are bunnies peaking out at me from behind the various tree's that line the building.
Leaving work in the afternoon, there are bunnies making yet another mad scramble for the closest refuge possible.

Bunnies, bunnies, bunnies. I guess it's true what they say, about rabbits and their ability to reproduce rapidly. I know scientifically that rabbits have a very short gestation period and this is why 2 bunnies can suddenly blossom into 10 and then 20 and then 30 within weeks, but my devilish side conjures images of waskily little wabbits deeply in rabbit love (thus unable to keep their furry little paws off of one another) and planning their bouncy little families.

sigh. Bunny love - see what Spring can do to a girl? It's really very cute and they make me giggle with their frantic hops from one spot to another and that I can sense them waiting for me to pass this spot of shrubbery or that, as if I were a threat. Actually, I fear it is not me they should be concerned with...it is our landscaping company. I am worried that the little bunnies will be considered pests and be "relocated" (which I think is a fancy word for "exterminate" to avoid reprisal from any local animal rights organizations) just like the prairie dogs from last spring who had also apparently been quite busy in the early months of Spring. But I wont' think of that, I'll think of sweet furry little bunnies and how much I want to hold one but I cannot cuz I'll get my weird human smell all over them and then they'll be the little outcasted bunnies in the bunch, you'll be able to tell which ones by their mohawks and piercings. Those are the ones that have been touched by us yucky humans you know!

Back to work, coming soon......

- Souls Sister From Seattle - A Recap Of Crystal's Visit
(How We've Changed As Individuals, But Distance A Bond Does Not Break! BTW: Crystal and I are water bunnies, we decided that this weekend. BUNNIES YAY!)
- The Self-Propagating Victim
(A Look At How Some Woman Cannot Break Their Own Vicious Cycle.)
- A Spring Journey
(My Personal Recap Of The Joys & Wonders of A Rocky Mountain Spring, Just For My GramE With A Picture For My Aunty MB!)

Catch ya on the flip side and remember to Love Your Local Bunnies!

As Spring Blooms...

It's a beautiful morning here.

I almost cried when I stepped out of my car to head into the office this morning. In spite of a major interstate running straight through the landscape, there is a breathtaking view of the Boulder Flat Irons (foothills) from my office and this morning everything seemed so awake and brilliant, it felt newly washed.

The grass is greener than I've seen in years, all things great and small are blooming into life and the smells are marvelous.

I live for Spring, it is when I feel most alive, most creative, most motivated. I often fear the changes in season as this transition has historically equated with emotional upheavals, even with all that, it is hard to ignore how captivating Spring in Colorado is. I could get lost in it. I find myself, throughout the work day, day-dreaming and wanting badly to be outside and out of this caged environment made up of cube walls and fluorescence. In here it is listless and void of life; out there is where I need to be.

~ sigh ~

Amidst all this beauty Mother Nature is bestowing upon us, my family and I have settled into a pattern of endless work days, attending Max's various events and attempting to get him there on time, more work in our home, and occasionally stealing a few moments to be in love with it all. Sometimes it feels like too much and sometimes it doesn't. I trust in the lessons I am learning at the moment, one of which is that being a big girl in life comes with a price, perhaps one I've hid from for many years. Maybe I've been lazy, or indifferent to the idea of it all, or my mind was elsewhere, or I've simply been just trying to stay afloat and do this "growing up" thing in the process, which is most likely the case.

Nurturing and loving a child, honoring the commitments I've made to the man I love, being a loyal and available friend, living consciously of the world and of self, working diligently for my employer, being a woman in a culture that still seems so divided on whether to hate us or love us; etc., etc., etc., There are days when this is all really hard work and I find myself longing for some unknown life of naps, pampering and reckless abandon to all responsibilities except that of myself. Then on most other days, it doesn't feel like work at all and by the grace of some powers that be, I've been afforded the luxury of love and so much opportunity, I can barely stand it. It is difficult to explain why I am so grateful for every moment of joy, why it overcomes me.

It's hard to relay to others where I've been. That place still lives within me somewhere, it is painful and harsh and deeply solitary. I realize now that it is hard for others to understand because the woman I am now, is not the child I was then. Save for a few individuals whom I've known since childhood, the majority in my life now have no tangible means in which to measure my growth or why it is that I am so overcome by all that I find myself surrounded with....and really, they needn't know much of any of it anyway. Because it does not matter. It does not matter to them, the embarrassments and indignities of my youth; the lengths in which I went to escape being yet another statistic, only to become one anyway in another manner; the struggle to find myself after all those years of control; the fight to care for someone else when I could barely care for myself; the years I spent being darkly introspective and healing from things I could not control. Every mistake, every scraped knee and bruised ego, none of this matters. It doesn't matter because all that falling down is part of what is helping me stand tall today. I somehow came across others in my life who can appreciate this rather than chastise or condemn me for a past that was not all my own.

I sometimes feel I am holding some hideous secret, if people knew this or that about me, then I'd be cast aside and deemed unworthy of their love. And isn't that worst thing really? To be unworthy or unloved. There was a time when I thought so. It has taken me 13 years to accept that some of my experiences were a direct result of my own personal choice, but there was so much that I do not have to feel guilty about, it wasn't my fault and I do not have to take responsibility for the actions of others. I do not need to live my life with the guilt and shame that was forced unto me by others and repeat it through eternity. But alas, forgiveness can be a tricky thing and that is what I'm really saying here is it not? That I must forgive those who have trespassed upon me, or must I forgive myself? For being a child, or fragile, or submissive, or afraid, or naive. I forgive me.

This is quite a tangent isn't it. I hadn't intended to go this route, but I've been thinking allot lately on the turn of events in the past 2 years or so and knowing that it must be another time of great change for me, another peak in the cycle. I've also been thinking about the person I've been and the person I am now and how are they different? How are they the same?

Ah, no coincidence that I might be having this thought process in the midst of Spring, a time for growth and renewal. I doubt it's coincidental really, makes perfect sense to me.

And with that my lovelies, I bid you a fair fond well and until next time, much love and hope you are all enjoying Spring wherever you may be.
l-s

Still Kicking....

I am still kicking, alive and well. Phone is toast so if you've tried to call me, I should have a new one by the weekend. Work is absorbing me and Max's schedule continues to be demanding. Our hot water heater went out, thank goodness for insurance....not so happy about the $$$ but it could've been a lot worse. I have very little social life outside of my home so nothing to report there. Chance is good, working hard and minding (ode to Carl) fairly well, but no better than usual:) inside joke.

Life is good, but summer is looking too nuts. I am already thinking about vacation and Max will be out of school in exactly one month. whoa.

ok, back to work. love to you all, I am still here and life is good but it's going to be another month or so before you hear much from me.

oh yes and PS, did anyone see this? HOLY CRAP! We were watching it and could not freaking believe it was real!
Bush Takes A Beating

PS: Thanks to Matty for stopping by Saturday night, congrats yo! I am so proud of you, keep up the good work :)

Technological Advances

We are canceling our cable television. Max is crushed. He'll get over it, but he is pouting.

I can't seem to articulate to him that the usage does not justify the cost. We don't watch all that much TV really, compared to most households anyway.

If Max is sitting in front of the TV, he is generally playing video games or watching a movie. OR (which is why tears are being shed) Saturday morning cartoons. Max is at that transitional age, where he still wants to be a kid while society is pressuring him to grow up. That and is body is not giving him many options to "growing up" because he is growing up, straight up to the sky. Did I mention he has Man Feet now? ew. They are gigantic and his toe nails are sort of icky. Understand that I did not grow up with a man in my house, so I still find them to be quite odd. He has also become quite veiny and sinewy, he looks more and more like his father every day. Which isn't a bad thing, luckily for Max. In spite of the inability for his parents to get along (or one PARENT specifically-achem) Max hit the lottery in the looks/body type gene pool. He's always going to be tall, blonde and blue eyed and while his temperment now maybe a little erratic, he is a generally sweet boy and I suspect he will be a wonderful kind and thoughtful man. After he gets done being insane.

Back to topic. The TV. I'm sick of it. It's such a waste of my energy and when I sit in front of it I am rarely paying attention if it's not the Soprano's or some movie I am sucked into. If I am watching actual television, I feel like it is sucking me in. Plus, I just can't wrap my head around the idea that I should pay the fee fed by a monopolized industry for a whole 2 or 3 channels that I actually enjoy, one being PBS which is standard network television to begin with.

grrrr.

When I called to cancel, they acted like I'd committed a mortal sin and would now rot in hell. They begged, pleaded, tried to reason and rationalize why I should continue my subscription. I was warned about the higher cost of my internet cable connection now that I'd be Discontinuing service. The threats continued as a long list of NEW service fees and taxes were explained to me, because I was Discontinuing Service. Finally, I was briefed on the very HIGH cost of Reinstating Service and that my current bundle package price would not be guaranteed.

I spent almost 30 minutes on the phone trying to Discontinue Service. I was essentially manhandled, a customer of 10+ years now and I was HARASSED because I opted out of the cable television service. I kept the freaking cable connection ya freaking hyenias! I cannot wait to finally cross Comcast off of my list of debits each month, especially after what they charged us to simply MOVE our service and the fight that ensued by my attempts to Discontinue Service. Clearly there will be retribution for such a crime.

Other current thoughts...I am convinced that we are facing very sad and scary times. It only seems to get worse and my fear of nuclear war is compounded almost daily by the reports of testing scheduled to begin June 2nd, 2006 in Nevada; the ongoing 'talks' with Iran; gas prices and this general sense of utter dread that slams me in the face every time I open a newspaper, watch CSPan, surf the internet or even allow myself to think through the potential outcomes of our current political climate. If I allow my mind to wander onto subject like the health of our Mother Earth, the rapid melting of the sea ice in Alaska or the feeling like I am such a hyprocit for contributing every day to the death of the only planet we have, I find myself in tears and falling apart. I have great fears at the moment for Max's generation. I just feel fearful in general and I'm not sure what to do except keep informed and make attempts to help where I can. If I think about it to much, I fear I'd end up hiding out in the dark somewhere, talking to myself and eating crayons.

Certainly all hope cannot be lost?

Sarah's Site Reccomendation:

http://www.tenbyten.org/10x10.html

The Decider....

In case anyone missed it, George W. Bush has labeled himself as The Decider recently while defending Rumsfeld to all those calling for his prompt resignation as Secretary Of Defense. It is just as comical as the many other self-declared titles and of course, someone has gotten creative with the chaos...I only hope John Lennon isn't offended.....

Turn on your speakers and enjoy...

The Decider

Das Right! Speeeeak It Sista Kim!

Sixth letter down....

Rocky Mountain News - Opinions Page

Have You Ever...

Wandered about aimlessly at lunch, looking for something to eat even though you already have a lunch in the refridgerator only to buy something and be dissappointed. I rarely treat myself to lunch out, almost everyone in my work goes out at lunch and I generally eat at my desk and go for a walk. I am very tired and feeling a little sorry for myself today, so I decided to get a sandwhich from Heidi's Deli. Typically, delicious and way too much food which seemed fitting for today.

It was the most awful veggie sandwhich I've ever had in my entire life. The avacado was brown and smooshy and no one wants to eat that. The cheese was slimey. The cucumbers and sprouts had definately been out too long. I'm not even picky, but it was so unappetizing I could hardly stomach the first bite.

Luckily the side Thai Peanut Salad I got is delicous, but very filling so maybe the sandwhich situation wasn't a total loss. But ask anyone, being wastefull is one of my biggest pet peaves especially when it comes to food. There are litterally people starving all over the world and we consume in such mass quantities we should be ashamed of ourselves. There's no reason for anyone to go without food, ever. It is a basic human right. Now I feel even more guilty for throwing the sandwhich away.

I then managed to spill the iced tea I've been craving all morning all over the interior of my car. It's a big, sticky nasty mess and it's all over my Baby Jetta and that makes me want to cry. Top that with the looming odor of paint coming from the back seat and guilt about people starving all over the world and I am most definately not so much in a happy place this lunch hour.

blah.

In more encouraging news, Air America was mentioned numerous times today in an article on AlterNet http://www.alternet.org/mediaculture/35074/

This is good news and it is thrilling that more folks are reading, listening and renting documentaries about the progressive movement. It is an encouraging sign, albeit in the stages of infancy.

Additionally, this is an extremely informative piece on corporations in media...I love Frontline. There's a link off the above mentioned article, but though I'd post it again as it's something I stumbled upon a while back and wanted to share...
FrontLine

peace.
s

Quick Update....

Just a quick update....

Weekend Report:

Very good, Sandy spoiled me Friday night with a wonderful Sushi meal and several hours of her time. We went to this funky little spot called the Sputnik which reflects it's name well as it is a pretty beat-nic-ish type of joint, much people watching was done and I drank something with vodka and a Red Bull which is a winning combination if you need to stay up late. Red Bull is my new favorite thing, I've been sneaking ALOT of it lately, shhhh...don't tell anyone. I love Sandy, she is very much the type of woman I aspire to be in so many ways, yet she never lets me feel like anything less than a peer....she's a good friend in many aspects. We bid a fair fond fairwell and then.....

I was then kidnapped by Matty, who promptly drove me to Flow to meet Rhi & Mike.
a) Flow was insanely packed and reminded me that I am reaching a point where I may no longer have it in me to visit clubs of that nature.
b) I was tired and feeling narcoleptic and like I needed to go home.
But I was happy to see Rhi so after deciding that Chance wasn't going to be able to come get me I bought ANOTHER Red Bull/Vodka and got on board with the fact that I would be feeling like crap on Saturday and went about my business entertaining Rhi, watching people and trying really hard not to smoke. I lost that battle, but not long enough to actually finish the cigarette and really hurt myself...YUCK!

I had a great time and enjoyed seeing my Rhi, she's a good girl. Her love is uncomplicated and I am rarely taxed emotionally by her, like Sandy, she is a diligent and kind friend. Matt was also a sight for sore eyes, I've missed the guy I used to spend ALOT of time with back in the day.

Saturday was fairly unproductive obviously and I have to give huge props to Chance for essentially keeping down the fort. He took care of Max for me Friday night and saw that his needs were met on Saturday. It is good to know that he's on my side with Max, I try not to ask him for help a lot with MJ but he's always right there when I do and I appreciate it more than he knows.

Sunday - agh, I don't want to talk about it other than my lovely visit with my Aunty MB was inspiring and comforting and then my phone died and then I pouted for a bit. But all is well, the phone has been fed and has a date with Kenari some night this week.

Carol: Went in for her mastectomy today and well, neither of them sound well. Kristen is having a hard time keeping the tears back which I know is a big deal for her. For some, keeping tears in check is a form of self-control I guess. Ths is something I've never really tried to master because it is basically hopeless, my tears flow wildly and randomly and trying to stop them is almost painful. But I know from experience that if Kristen is having that hard of a time fighting it....she's at her wits end. I think it all sort of hit both of them today, I'm not sure what to say other than to let her know that this is an initial phase, feelings are ok, no one is going to pass judgments for tears and heartaches and if they do, then kindly direct them to me and I'll handle them. Carol has apparently been in bed since they got home, I suspect she's on pretty strong pain meds so she's probably not terribly coherent. I'll be leaving soon to drop by and check on everyone. This pretty much sucks, that's really all I can say. I've spent some long hours trying to fight the urge to panic, knowing full well that panic does nothing for the current situation. I pray the Universe will be kind to her and allow her to heal quickly and comfortably.

Tonight we have soccer practice and a committee meeting. This week looks too crazy for words, probably not much more from me until later in the week.

Aunty MB - you rock and your voice makes me calm, it is good to be loved by you.

Sassy Sandy - You are a dear for taking the time to take care of me. I love your house, it's so cute and so you.

Rhi - You are a silly Tater Tot, I have your sweatshirt and hope your 1st day went well today.

Chance - I love you, you are so good even though I like to kick you in the head sometimes.

Max - It has come to my attention that you are everyone ounce sweet and good for every half ounce ornery. This is a manageable ratio, let's keep it that way. I love you Soccer Boy!

Crystal - GET YOUR ARSE OUT HERE IMMEDIATELY:)

Treadmill - I am coming to find you, you cannot escape and don't give me a hard time tonight. I've got stuff to do.

love to u all, great and small
l-s

Bang On De Drums All Day

Ok, I'm distracted.

It's Friday and I have a long-over-due ladies night rapidly approaching this evening; mad work to do before closing time and hair cuts and I desperately need a manicure. I want to break out and go play and not work, but I must and surprisingly I am getting A LOT accomplished for a Friday.

"I don't want to work
I want to bang on these drums all day
I don't want to play
I just want to bang on these drums all day"

Doh, sorry. Ok. Back to the grind...but I must make one point and that is....

"I don't want to work
I want to bang on these drums all day
I don't want to play
I just want to bang on these drums all day"

woo hoo. cuz this is ladies night and the time is right. i can't wait, to go have fun with my girls. it's been MONTHS...literally since I've been out of the house and I DON'T have the money and I will probably over do it because we tend to go crazy when the men aren't around which means my head will hurt tomorrow, but it will be worth it. tee hee.

Oh yes and the Queen Of All Ladies Nights is coming to visit Colorado (but secretly I pretend she's just coming to visit meeeee), Crystal in coming in MAY! It is so freaking on, Chance asked what my plans were for Crystal's visit and I said "Total, utter and complete debauchery." snicker snicker. eh he. yes, excellent! I intend to spend as much time with her as possible and hopefully wreaking a least a little havoc on Denver as otherwise, it just wouldn't be a night out with Crystal. I know she's getting scared right now, but she shouldn't be. She should just go with it and have fun...Rhi & I have plans for you sister, tee hee!

mostly though, i just miss her so much and can't wait to see her beautiful smile and bowl her over with a hug. sigh. butterflies. swoon :)

dang. back to work. but soon, I will be looking cute and headed out the door with Sandy for a wonderful meal and then later to shake my booty out dancing. woo woo!

peace....bang on de drums all day...i don't wanna work....

*Song Lyrics By:
ARTIST: Todd Rundgren
TITLE: Bang the Drum All Day
Lyrics and Chords

Mosquito Bites & Not Quite Fullest Moon

My first Mosquito bite of the season happened upon me at dusk
Walking one of my favorite paths and talking with setting Moon
On my upper chest, closely hugging my neck, swelling into angry redness

Itches like crazy
Someone out there is buzzing around with a full tummy

But not a worry, not a care, was worth the blank mind space I wasn't forced to share
A moment of solitude in the near darkness, almost completely void of sound
The Moon was speaking to me and asking me what was on my mind
Tears and love and pain blurted forth before Her voice had even left my ears

I fell into deep breathe and thought
and knew I wasn't lost
and engulfed the clarity
and then I could go home

Gratitudes lovely Moon, kind mother, warm shoulder

Two Weeks, Too Much To Do..Too Think About

It's been two full weeks since I last wrote, possibly the longest time span between entries since the inception of this blogg. The reasons for this are numerous and require more detail than I have the time or energy to list at the moment, but mostly I can attribute my minimal writing to a simple lack of time. I essentially spend the majority of my hours as of late working longer hours than usual and taking care of everyone (and everything) around me.

I've also experienced a few days of what can only be described now as despair. This feeling that everything I am working for, the love that I try to omit externally is all for not. It means nothing and I am not making the impact in the world that I should, I had a very depressing few days where I felt I was not living consciously or with purpose. And another few where I felt so completely unappreciated by those that surround me that I could do nothing but go inward and attempt to process it.

I am still a bit frustrated and sort of wandering about in my mind, feeling like I must "fix" things or "make decisions" about how I should proceed with some of my most recent thoughts and discoveries, but I know me and I will sit on it until I really feel forced to do something about it.

One of my primary frustrations at the moment has something to do with the level of intolerance, judgment and disrespect I have suddenly found myself surrounded by. In my work place, within some social circles, even at home to some degree. I am disgusted by it, not because I think I am better or that I have some reached a level that others in my life have not as I know this is not the case, I just don't understand it.

There are some men in my work place who are openly homophobic and make jokes and discuss this subject at luncheons, in the break room, etc...on a regular basis. I have found my jaw dropping at some of the content of their discussion, which due to the nature of our work environment I am subjected to without choice. I realize it is an insecurity, sexuality amongst men seems to be a very sensitive subject and I try to honor that, but I find myself offended by this and I am not a particularly timid young woman. I've heard much, seen what seems like it all and have certainly participated in my fair share of debauchery within my life time, but the extent to which these men seem to go to make their point sort of stuns me. What's worse, is that there conversations will invite "insight" from others within the office, including other woman who I am shocked would use such disgusting language when referring to the sexual identity of another person.

In a particular social group, individuals I have been friends with for quite some time, I am facing serious question about whether I wish to continue to engage in the friendship. Really, the bottom line for me is that I find some of their comments, remarks and blatant insinuations about others almost intolerable. I've seen this building up for some time, but it's within the last year that it's gotten exceptionally uncomfortable for me. On a regular basis I am met with some sideways remark about my political choices, food preferences, methods in which I am raising my son, how I dress, what I choose to do in my leisure time, etc..etc..I'd say it's something EVERY single time we communicate or spend time with one another and frankly, I am tired of it. Additionally, after the comments dripping with sarcasm or judgment are shot my way, I am then asked a favor as if I owe them something. For which I always cave because I do feel a sense of gratuity toward them as in the past they have been exceptionally helpful and giving, in fact we've been quite close up until the past few months. But I am definitely faced with this feeling like I must either confront the situation in the hopes of a resolution or terminate the friendship out of sanities sake because the relationship is beginning to feel toxic.

At home, boys are boys. Men seem almost incapable of seeing how their behaviors, actions or attitude may impact others unless it directly impacts them first. I am often cast as a dictator, control freak, or tyrant if I speak my mind, have a strong opinion that conflicts with others or ask for help. Am I quickly learning to accept that these guys aren't always going to like me, oh well. Most of the time, I continue to trudge forward with the idea in mind that perhaps some day, both of them will acknowledge the value of a woman such as myself in their lives. Other times I feel like telling them both right where to stick it.

Some spend so much time pointing fingers, finding faults and judging others...I want more than that for me. I want to focus on the positive and healthy aspects of this experience and one thing I am learning very quickly as that I am the only one that can make that happen for me. If that means having to take steps to remove the elements in my life that are polluting my attempts to progress, I must. Even if it is painful, uncomfortable or causes conflicts. This is a new time for me, in that regard. I've been exceptionally forgiving and tolerant in my life time and I wish to continue with that path, but it doesn't mean that I must subject myself to such levels of negativity.

Finally, and I guess this is really the most difficult aspect of current events which I've not been able to fully digest or discuss with really anyone yet, my best friend Kristen, her mother has Stage 3 breast cancer. Her name is Carol and as most of you know, Kristen and I have been very close since High School. Our families are quite bonded and Carol has been a part of my life as long as Kristen, being quite motherly to me when I was a kid and even taking me in when I no where to go. This is Carol's second bout, the first time around was not as serious and was treated with a biopsy and radiation. She went 2 full years with no problems only to find out that she had a golf ball sized tumor in her breast close to the lymph nodes and chest wall. They operated immediately last Thursday and will begin chemo this week. She will probably have the full round of treatment, including a mastectomy and radiation in addition the chemo. Kristen is not coping well obviously, but I am extremely concerned about her own health, in addition to her Mom's. Kristen has had great fears about her Mom's health since we were kids, more than your average kid I think. I know Kristen and have fears about any guilt or anxiety that might be building within her. I am checking on her at least twice a day at the moment and that might seem like a lot, but it is my way of letting her know that I am going to be here, whatever that means. She's going to have to let me love her this time, she's going to have to let me in this time because I don't think she can go through it again alone and thankfully, I am seeing signs of acknowledgement in her eyes...that she will need to let others help her this time around.

I also know, that because Kristen was holding MY head up during Carin's last stages of illness, that she has an image in her mind of what Cancer means. She heard all of my pain and agony in retelling what I'd seen with Carin, I had to get it out. I know she also remembers my state of existence during that time which was barely functional at best. I must try to remind her that all situations were different and that Carin's cancer was very aggressive, Carol's is slow growing and based on what we know so far, she does have options for recovery, this is not hopeless. This is not the end, only the beginning and in all the years her Mom has been strong for us, it's now time for us to take the leading role and care for her. My primary objective at the moment is going to be finding the balance with Kristen, what does she need, how do I help without closing in too much on a very private time etc...I think it will be a learning process for both of us, but thankfully, she seems willing and I know Carol will scold her if she tries to do too much and doesn't let me help.

We will know more about Carol's condition in the coming weeks and I'll keep everyone posted. I have such great hopes for her recovery and I hope that you will all join me in sending your thoughts and prayers her way, I also hope that this serves as a reminder for all of the woman in my life that I love to do their monthly exams at home and annually at the doctor. I love you all and want us all to be together for a very long time.

In spite of how dire this all sounds, I personally am on good terms with myself and my current state. When I put into perspective the realities of our world and what others are facing on a regular basis, it's sort of a slap in my face about being so selfish and needy. More of what I am facing at the moment is a turning point of sorts, one where I feel it is time for my backbone to shine through and to find no guilt or fear in it. It is also a time for gentleness and openness to those I love. Really, it is once again finding the balance within myself and my interactions with the world and others.

Love to you all,
L-Mango

"The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
--Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy