Accountability

Acknowledging accountability for ones behaviors, actions and decisions can be a difficult burden to endure.

Accountability for the positive achievements in life, is easy for some, not so for others.
Some are often embarrassed when others reference their achievements,
other times they can be filled with acceptance and pride for their diligence and effort in achieving those accomplishments.

Either way, acceptance of ones positive outcomes is a much simpler task then admitting to ones mistakes.

Accountability for a known (intentional or unintentional) negative impact on another or oneself, that's a much more painful and potential embarrassing journey.
It requires effort and energy, holding yourself accountable.
It requires honesty. With yourself and with others.
It requires looking inward at your own wrongdoings.
It requires getting real with yourself and those you have harmed.
It requires facing the reality, rather than running away or living in denial within.

It requires courage, but it's a nessisity courage.
The kind of courage a conscious heart must muster in order to heal.
Heal ones heart and spirit and the heart and spirit of another.

If you have abused, you are accountable.
If you owe money, you are accountable.
If you have taken advantage of the hospitality and good will of others, you are accountable.
If you lie, manipulate or purposefully coerce, you are accountable.
If you have emotionally drained, damaged or hurt another, you are accountable.
If you have pandered opportunity, you are accountable.
If you pre-emptively invaded a country based on false pretenses and kill hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians, you are definitely accountable.

Our experiences in this life time, be it positive or painful, are part of our growth experience. These experiences help us develop into the spirits we are ever evolving into, sometimes those experiences adversely effect others, sometimes we succeed and reach a pinnacle moment in our development, sometimes we inflict a damage that cannot be undone.

Sometimes we are forgiven, sometimes we are not.

But one thing I believe for certain, is that we are always held accountable in some fashion or another for our actions. Whether it is receiving a bonus for a job well done, a bill going to collections because we didn't bother to pay it or when those we've mistreated rebel and let us know how we are accountable to them, at some point, I definitely believe it comes full circle.

Someday, there are dealings with that I will be held accountable for. Most likely with my child the child within me, he is a glorious being for which I should be grateful but have not always been able to honor out of selfishness. The pig-tailed little Sarah, her owies seems still fresh some days and fully scabbed over the next, the healing never seems to end and when she thinks she might be reaching a place of comfort, some white blinding flash of pain reminds her that she her owies are still tender for the mistakes she made.

Everyday, I am certainly held accountable and responsible for my very own existence.
Going to work every day so that I may achieve a goal set by my clients, for which I am then held accountable for.
Going to work every day so that I may support my family and my home, for which I am then held accountable for.
Going home every day and working just as hard as I do at my day job, so that I may achieve goals set by myself and collectively by those I love.
Going home every day and working just as hard as I do at my day job, so that I may enjoy the environment I am striving to create.
Loving my child and working to be a better mother to him than the day before.
Loving my partner and working to be a partner to him than the day before.
Striving to live consciously and wholly.
Striving to live completely and spiritually.

And on and on and on...every day, we are all spinning in a wheel of accountability and responsibility.

It's pretty simple stuff, accountability, responsibility, facing the very reality of every day life and exploring yourself within, living by the core rules that are written so boldly on our hearts....living with a conscious, living with integrity and listening to your heart. The responsibility of your heart and spirit, what you hear it saying and letting it guide you.

I suspect there is a much greater ease in living in this manner, fighting it only seems to bring upon the sort of accountability that severs friendships and creates tensions in our culture.

My hope is that I can continue to work toward this goal rather than away from it.
My hope is that we can all hold ourselves accountable internally and see how that manifests externally.
My hope is that those who are struggling with their own wrongdoings, that they will be held accountable justly and fairly, without excessive harshness.
My hope is that our Global Community can hold itself accountable and that we will survive.

It Saddens Me

It saddens me that when I draw boundaries with people, when they have explicitly and clearly crossed the line, there is instant attitude and defensiveness. I understand that because I have not been consistent in my messages in the past, that I am responsible for how people treat me and I am working through that, but it still makes me sad.

Sad that I should bare the brunt their anger because I stood up for myself. That I then become the outcast, the scapegoat, the "bad guy", no longer a "true-friend."

Saddens me even more that I've always know that might be the case if I were to ever put my foot down and what does that say about the friendship in the first place?

Mostly, what's probably the saddest of all...is that I just don't care all that much. It's not keeping me up at night knowing that they are angry at me or that I might not be a part of their lives any more. I love these people, but I can no longer find the room in my spirit to allow them to treat me poorly and take advantage of me and when I expressed this through my actions and directly verbally, the friendship became unstable.

This is the very sort of social drama I am working to disengage from. I simply don't have the energy, not to mention that it is not conducive to healthy friendships or healthy people within those respective friendships.

I'm just sort of done with it. If this means that I at some point am down to a very small, select few group with whom I interact on only rare occasions, so be it. I am sort of ready for that in many ways as I can clearly see how I've allowed myself to be distracted by many and the quality of those distractions was low to moderate at best.

I am shifting again, I feel it. Growing, becoming my "self." I did this at about 24 or 25. It was an intensely spiritual journey in many ways and I find the seeds of such in my heart at the moment. I made choices in friendships during that time too...housecleaning if you will. It gets easier with age I am finding, maybe because I feel more secure in myself and the life I am creating, or maybe I just don't have the same needs.

The bottom line is this, there are some people in your life that will be an indefinite figure in your life, I can name a few and I feel incredibly lucky that I can do that. The rest, come and go and that's ok too, but one thing I have learned in these past several years is how to establish a level of mutual respect within your relationships from the get go, otherwise the relationship simply cannot exist.

It's just hard for me to see people treat each other this way, to be petty and catty and disrespectful of one another. This life is just too short to waste it on such trivial things.

WRONG-0 Daddio

Weekend got jacked up, too much to do and not enough hours...but it's getting better. Less distractions, more interactions...it's a good place to be even though the balance will take some time to level out.

Max and I are often at odds these past few days, I wonder if a small break might be good for us. He lambasted me in therapy the other night, I know this might not be appropriate...but he pissed me off SO bad during that session, I mean I still find myself feeling anger toward him. Not because of WHAT he said, but because of HOW and WHY. I felt he was being smug, bordering on disrespectful and blatantly giving Georgia a show. He was behaving in such a false manner, even though his message was clear...I don't know, it almost seemed like he just looking for a fight. I was disappointed in him and felt like he was manipulating the situation, that's not cool at all. Real frankly, since our communication has been poor. I definitely plan to bring it up at the next session.

I am in a particularly rebellious mood myself this morning, probably vibing off of MJ's little 'tude from the weekend or maybe it's my new Pink CD - this is a great one for those moments in life when a girl feels like hearing a little female angst in full throttle. I love that she's not afraid any more, to say what's on her mind. To drop the F bomb and say what she thinks about the men in her life, her family, her ex-lovers and the ones to come....she just doesn't take any shit, it's hard NOT respect that. It's been enjoyable watching her evolve as an artist from the early days, Pink's a good girl in my book, I'd buy her a beer anytime.

I should get to work, my desktop has been al out of sorts lately, I am pretty sure it's a memory issue conflicting with my .Net install...which I told them about 3 or 4 weeks ago at least...achem, anyway...but I think it's fixed now. That's what IT tells me anyway. The worst part is that most times, I can easily troubleshoot and fix whatever is wrong with my workstation....but I am not "allowed" as I am simply a lowly peon developer and not an IT Administrator (at this job anyway)...plus I don't think they'd appreciate being shown up by a "chick"....alas my lovelies, it is still true that even in an industry in which I've been working for almost a decade now, my fellow techie momma's and myself face the occasional a-hole with a stereo-type in his mind about women and technology. Luckily, there is only one said a-hole here, and he's on vacation this week. In a perfect world, he would be on vacation permanently.

Happy Monday, cheers to you all - have a lovely week:)

Yes, Yes, I AM The Goddess

I am gloating a little here, but guess what? You know this project I have been working so diligently on for the past several months? Well the client, they sent me a bonus!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay Mango!

The letter reads:

*********************************************************
Dear Sarah,

*Client Organization* and particularly myself, would like to thank you for all your incredible work and time you have put into the Mirage start-up as well as for all you do with Anso.

Your professionalism, integrity, willingness to do whatever it takes to get the job done right, and most importantly your wonderful and calming attitude is most appreciated.

Please use this toward something that makes you happy.

Warmest Regards,

*Project Lead Name" and "Client Organization"
*********************************************************

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay Mango!

I really am touched, I guess it reminds me that my efforts mean something to someone! I've never gotten a bonus before, wow.

Good Job Mango-Goddess!

Weekend Goddessry

June 9th, 10th, 11th Weekend Itinerary

* Friday - June 9th
Afternoon = Clean, clean, clean da hisouze and C & Mj are helping so it will all go much quicker:)
Evening = Chillax (Chill + Relax, durhhhh)

* Saturday - June 10th
7 - 3 = Work, work, work (Need a comp day!)
Call My Aunty & My GramE (Cuz it's my GramE's birthday, hee hee)
Evening = Real Climate Viewing @ The Mayan w/ CMan, his lovely Momma Bear, Maxter & Me Momma Bear

* Sunday - June 11th
Grociery Shopping (boooooo, baaaad)
Sleep, rest, Chillax & Work out

I am such a Goddess, I can do it all...clean the castle, bring home the bacon, enjoy my flamily (this is NOT a typo - FLAMILY is a word accidentally created by Chance!) and maybe, just maybe find a few moments in the day to love myself, yay me!

Lemeeeeee C Here......

I seem to have contracted a terrible case of cabin fever as of the past several days and am having an extremely difficult time concentrating at work. It's really taking more effort than usual for me to get anything done and I just cannot seem to get on task.

My hopes are, that if I take a few moments to blogg about my thoughts I can set them free to the Universe and move along happily with my very busy day.

So, Lemeeeeee C Here......

* I am becoming bored with work, I have a good job but feel a little burned out.

* I think sometimes I just don't want to work any more and would rather travel, work on my house and spend alot of time healing my wounded places.

* My weekends and/or free time have not been very restful for quite some time now, I am hoping that will change and am very genuinely going to make efforts on my part to make that happen.

* We are talking about some short, affordable ways to get our arses up to My Mountains this summer and possibly Washington State in August. We are getting creative in these endeavors, I think it is irritating that money is required to do so much.

* Did I mention I'm not a big fan of currency? It all seems so fake anyway, it's not like when my paycheck gets deposited, that's really MY money. It almost instantly becomes someone else's money in exchange for simple survival. That seems SO wrong to me somehow.

* It is practically silent in my office, someone made a boo boo on a project scheduled to go live yesterday afternoon and we now have an app in production that is totally FUBAR'd, this makes people cranky and I am happy I am not the one under the bus at the moment.

* I started a beautiful blog on evolution and technology and my mind is swirling with it, but my lack of mental focus at the moment cannot even seem to bare completion of said blogg.

* Chance was so sweet to me last night, he is a good man and I am grateful for the interactions and understanding we now have of one another. I once that love might get boring with time or feel used, I can tell you that it is quite the opposite. We had a tough period after the move, but the gentle sweet eyes of my lover have returned and this makes me very happy. Oh yes and I suppose I've sort of come down to some level of normalcy now that we are settled (sort of) into a life that does not feel like living in the Insane Clown Circus.

* I keep thinking about how my social circle has whittled away considerably in the past 2 years or so and that I don't really miss it all that much, I miss the genuine interactions like my talks with Crystal at my house and how Kristen and I used to spend HOURS and HOURS on the phone or doing stuff with the kids, but that's all changed and I think it's just cuz we are all growing up and life changes.

* Woman have very interesting relationships with one another, it's probably not something men often understand. Just how I don't understand why 13 year old boys can kick the crap out of each other one minute and still be best friends the next?

* Speaking of, Mj is turning 14 this year. It shows to, he's really huge and his manly features are becoming very predominant. Man in training I suppose, it's the real deal now that's for sure.

* My ice tea is all watered down now, but still rather tasty. Did you know that ice from convenience store, restaurants and airlines have some of the highest levels of bacteria in one concentrated area than almost any other massively produced "food item." ew.

* Ok ok ok...back to work argh.

* PS: I've been having a little nudge nudge of the cigarette craving these past few days....I guess it's really true that this is a life long battle, I wish I'd never started. I also wish that with all there is in life, why can't just ONE "bad" - but oh so enjoyable - thing be allowed? Like cigarettes, or chocolate or red wine.......Just one thing? PULLLLEASE cut me a break here!

My Sobriety

Found myself in that circle once again
The one where I end and you begin
And then again and again and again

It is the circle of my addictions
For food, wine, love or instant gratification
It is the cycle of my predilections
For reaching some glorious, unknown edification

Starting somewhere around my conception
I became a slave to sources of sensory disconnection
For there are theories that one's sobriety
May be linked to their inherent biology

This theory does not make room for pointing fingers
Only opens up discussions for a clear urge that lingers
If she or if he or if they, maybe then I would not have to diligently fight
To not digress so willingly to darkness and rather, strive for brilliant light

However convenient this excuse may be
I cannot blame it on them so easily
For I am a being undefined by historical patterns
I have the responsibility for that of what matters

With this responsibility, I choose My Sobriety

Choice, unbound by need or desire
Respect, for body and health
Clarity, of mind and spirit
Integrity, to truly live within it
Honor, of myself and my love

Cheers to less excess and more success!

The Proof!

Crystal & I in Boulder on that sunny, serene May day in 2006! I LOVE you girl!

Souls Sister From Seattle - A Recap Of Crystal's Visit

How We've Changed As Individuals, But Distance A Bond Does Not Break!

Ah, my sweet Crystal, she is indeed someone I will carry with me forever.  Our experience with one another is not a common one, nor is it easily explained or defined.  The very nature of our meeting was an indication to the unique relationship that would unfold between us!

Dead Natzi's Forever!
FYI:  This is a lethal shot of Rumplemintz & Jagermiester and maybe something else...it's not good and I've never touched one since Crystal practically forced (wink) it on me that night at Traks.

 

I am still feeling snuggly from our visit, but it was harder than I expected to part ways.  I miss her smile and defiant softness...the way we just sort of get each other in some unspoken motion.  I don't connect with anyone in the manner that I do with her, it's sort of odd sometimes and I know neither of us question it, just accept it as our unique form of telepathy.  I've always thought it is is because we are both of the Crazy Aquari Woman, which by default establishes us as a force to reckoned with. 

 

We spent a lovely day in Boulder, it really was very serene and comforting.  I felt honored that she took an entire afternoon out of her schedule to travel with me to one of my favorite places.  She bought the gong clock, which I now plan to get for Chance for the holiday's...except (psss) it's really for me ;-P

 

Crystal's metamorphosis is quite obvious, especially coming from someone who knew her pre-Seattle resident.  I knew being in the Northern Pacific would have the exact effect she described to me, tranquility and oneness.  She is a water-bunny after all and I also knew that even though she didn't know it yet, that the water would speak to her and she would never be the same.  I also firmly believe that living in other geographic locations is a must in regards to personal-growth, it offers new experiences and faces.  I believe this is part of how we learn about ourselves.  Leaving Colorado would be good for her, however painful.  That was my way of consoling myself in my grief when her and Dane announced they were moving.  Let me just reiterate my lack of tolerance for goodbyes, but I am getting good at it any more because I am now learning that goodbye does not mean forever, it took me a long time to learn this.  Luckily Crystal is one of those cases.  My favorite and most visible change in her is her sense of self, you can see great strides in her personal perspective.  I think she's had more time to focus on herself first.  Frankly, I was happy about the idea that she might travel to Seattle where the history of Colorado and the drama's incurred here might be able to escape her for a time and allow her to breathe a while.  I think that's exactly what happened.

 

I sense it's not been easy.  I know she misses us girls, that connection is pivotal for her I think.  But I wonder if all the distractions of others has not also aided greatly in the more centered person I saw two weeks ago? 

We spent the entire 5  or 6 hours we had with one another in constant discussion, there was way too much to talk about and ponder and collectively figure out.  I miss that too, Crystal is one of my greatest sounding boards....partly because she simply does not judge and she has a good understanding of how I think about things, how I process.  I could say something so completely off-color and she'd nod and ask me what I thought was next or how I felt about it without even a blink?  Crazy girl.  I agreed that we should probably talk on the phone more though I'm not sure we really get enough from the phone, it's sort of a tease I guess...but it'll have to do.

Then it was girls night out at the local RockABilly club which we ended up having an absolutely wonderful time, good choice girl.  It also reminded me that there is every kind of seedy bar down on Broadway, I always forget about that side of town when we are trying to figure out what to do for a night out.

I of course cannot recount the visit without making fun of her ever fading voice during the visit due to fatigue obviously.  At one point, she sounded like a pre-pubescent boy with laryngitis which was quite entertaining to say the least.  Sorry Crys, we were laughing at your misery.  Bad Sarah & Rhi!  Poor girl.  Chance picked us up and took us home we put Crystal promptly to bed and made her sleep at least a little before her next grand adventure to Vegas with Rhi.

 

Her visit reminded me of the long hours we worked to dissect the going on's of our lives, the broken hearts and tears and alot of giggling throughout the years.  I am not sure how I've changed, but I am sure I have...I think I've matured a little this last year, it's something tangible for me...I can see it in myself.  I know she is also quite happy that Chance is a good man and that Maxter is a good boy with lots of love still for his momma.  We have a good life together.  She had some very valuable words for me on the subject of being a teenager and how the relationship with her father has progressed since, it's encouraging. 

 

Needless to say, her visit to Colorado was warmer and more wonderful-er (laugh) then I could've hoped for.  It's good to know that the bonds created between two water-bunnies cannot be broken by distance or time.

Next time though, Crystal...are you listening?  Next time, it's girls night out complete with a Rebecca Peck from Texas.  yup.  good times:)

 

Except I still get to steal you for a whole day, so there.  neener neener boo boo

 

 

 

Thursday Morning Thought

It's pretty easy to get overwhelmed in this life. There are considerable demands on all of us, our spirits are constantly tested and our fundamental daily existence can be quite trying, but equally divine.

My GramE once said to me that so much of what happens to us in life has much more to do with how we react, perceive and define it...not necessarily the act or event itself, wise words indeed.

My question this morning is:

With life as demanding as it truly is, am I simply too consumed by the demands and easily overwhelmed or is this everyone's experience and they do not display it so publicly? Am I simply to sensitive to the difficulties I face, the frustrations? Surely we are all facing great hardships AND great reward? Why am I so overcome by the news in Haditha or seeing a man eat out of the garbage? When I look to my neighbor at work or in the car or in line at the grocery store, I don't see their eyes filled with tears when they fall upon the homeless man or the news of someone's death. Nor do I see those same eyes fill with light at the sound of music or a baby laughing or a furry bunny.

I don't think I am special because emotion overcomes me easily, I just wonder if I am a little too fragile, to easily absorbed.

Blahg

Glimpses Of Current Thoughts:

• There is much to be written, many goings on at this moment. 
• Heavy minds, beating hearts, selfish needs. 
• I find myself with less and less time to write in my blogg, or write my family, or write for myself. 
• Time has become invaluable, I wish it weren't fleeing me so eagerly. 
• I am irritated with the inconsideration shown by others in my home over the weekend.
• I don't know when we will invite them again, unlikely it will be any time soon.
• Max is done with 7th grade tomorrow, he's too big of a boy...I wish he'd slow down a little.
• Crab dinner, I hope he enjoys it.
• This cycle of weekly and weekend events has become intolerable, I am ready for release of this pattern and renewal of new ones.
• Chance is a loving and wonderful man, I am blessed by him truly, even if he does leave greasy messes in places I didn't know existed.
• Work is keeping me occupied, but I am becoming increasingly bored with this project. 
• There is a strange aire in the office today, alot of personalities clashing and snappiness.
• I wonder what the planets would say about that?
• Vacation sounds good.
• Music misses me.
• My stomach is growling, much to do...better get back to work.

The Screaming Banchee's (Cat Chaos)

3:12 AM
I make my nightly rounds for water and visiting the little girls room, all is calm. Gaia cat is sleeping peaceful on the floor next to the bed and Pumpkin is sitting outside our bedroom door dutifully guarding our domain.

3:34 AM
I awake to Chance bolting out of bed and the most atrocious squaloring sound. Chance's eyes are huge, I look over to this side and there is literally fur flying every where and this rolling ball of claws, tails, snarling teeth and a strange cream and white color I am not familiar with. It looked like a cartoon. Chance grabs Gaia cat, who is poofed up to twice her size easily. Gaia is hissing and spitting, clearly ready to brawl and barely missing Chance's face with her claws in attempts to be put down. I throw my shirt over Pumpkin cat's head who is making a great effort to bite me with her one tooth. Pumpkin is mewling in a most unrecognizable tone and her whole skinny little body is shaking, I can feel her rib cage working hard and I put her in bathroom and shut the door.

Chance: (With huge wild eyes) "What the hell is going on?" ~ puff ~ puff ~

Sarah: "I don't know, I thought it was just Gaia and Pumpkin but something doesn't sound right....."

- enter scurrying and scuttling sounds from under my side of the bed, by the wall -

Chance: "Is there another cat in here? Holy crap, I thought someone broke in or you were screaming...are you ok?"

Sarah: (Getting up and looking under bed) "Oh My Gawd, Chance there's another kitty under here...this kitty is totally freaked out...awwww, what do we do???"

- enter very sweet, cream and white colored Tabby cat who is also poofed up like a large cotton ball with razor sharp claws, but trying to become invisible in the wall -

Sarah: "Hey, what is this kitty doing in here? Why is this kitty and our kitty fighting?"

Chance: "Sarah, get a towel"

Sarah: "Ok" (Get's towel and clumsily throws on Tabby kitty and almost trips into the wall)

- Tabby kitty does not like the towel, or frenzy of strange hands, smells and sounds trying to control her. She is hissing, spitting, mewling and trying to claw Chance's eyeballs. At one point all I see is Tabby kitties little face all squished down, ears pulled back and teeth showing - surrounded by a towel, a Tabby kitty burrito. She is quickly escorted down the stairs and out the door - Poor kitty;(

3:42 AM
While Chance is fighting the Tabby burrito down the stairs and I'm in shock, staring at the fur all over the floor.

Max: "Mom, what the heck is going on out here? What is that?" (Mj points to the fur that is all over the floor)

Sarah: "I don't know honey, go back to sleep but we think a kitty got in the house and caused havoc."

Max: (Nodding knowingly) "It came in through the basement I bet."

Sarah: "Yeah, you are probably right. Go to sleep, love you!"

3:48
Gaia cat and Pumpkin cat begin stalking our bedroom again, searching for signs of the intruder.
Pumpkin is mewing gently and Gaia seems uncertain that the stranger is indeed gone. .....

Chance: "Mango, I'm not sure I can go to sleep."

Sarah: (Hugging Chance) "I know, me too. Where do you think that kitty come from? Poor kitty, did you see? She was terrified!"

Chance: "I don't know, but we have to keep that basement window shut, even if it's hot."

Sarah: "Oh my gosh, what if that had been a raccoon? Our kitties would be toast!"

- This conversation of what if's, how mean raccoon's can be and our thanks that the cats don't seem to have suffered much more than a little lost fur and perhaps a new found fear of cat burglars goes on for a bit and then off to sleepy sleep. I am thinking of the Tabby kitty this morning and hoping it is not hurt, Gaia isn't exactly a force to be reckoned with, she doesn't mess around but she is not overtly aggressive either....she was just protecting us. But what if the Tabby kitty has no home and was scared because of the thunderstorms last night? Or was hungry and was drawn in by the cat food smells? Chance didn't see her there, all backed up into the wall and shivering and clearly totally traumatized. I'm not sure what to do now???? -

What a night! Nothing like waking up to Screaming Banchee's in the middle of the night, freaking cats ~ shakes head ~

Bunny TV! All Bunnies, All The Time!

Where there were once no bunnies, there are now bunnies. Every where.

Pulling into the parking lot, there are bunnies dashing from the safety of one green patch of bushes and grass to another.
Getting out of my car, there are bunnies scurrying from the car next to me to the nearest hiding spot.
Walking at lunch, there are bunnies peaking out at me from behind the various tree's that line the building.
Leaving work in the afternoon, there are bunnies making yet another mad scramble for the closest refuge possible.

Bunnies, bunnies, bunnies. I guess it's true what they say, about rabbits and their ability to reproduce rapidly. I know scientifically that rabbits have a very short gestation period and this is why 2 bunnies can suddenly blossom into 10 and then 20 and then 30 within weeks, but my devilish side conjures images of waskily little wabbits deeply in rabbit love (thus unable to keep their furry little paws off of one another) and planning their bouncy little families.

sigh. Bunny love - see what Spring can do to a girl? It's really very cute and they make me giggle with their frantic hops from one spot to another and that I can sense them waiting for me to pass this spot of shrubbery or that, as if I were a threat. Actually, I fear it is not me they should be concerned with...it is our landscaping company. I am worried that the little bunnies will be considered pests and be "relocated" (which I think is a fancy word for "exterminate" to avoid reprisal from any local animal rights organizations) just like the prairie dogs from last spring who had also apparently been quite busy in the early months of Spring. But I wont' think of that, I'll think of sweet furry little bunnies and how much I want to hold one but I cannot cuz I'll get my weird human smell all over them and then they'll be the little outcasted bunnies in the bunch, you'll be able to tell which ones by their mohawks and piercings. Those are the ones that have been touched by us yucky humans you know!

Back to work, coming soon......

- Souls Sister From Seattle - A Recap Of Crystal's Visit
(How We've Changed As Individuals, But Distance A Bond Does Not Break! BTW: Crystal and I are water bunnies, we decided that this weekend. BUNNIES YAY!)
- The Self-Propagating Victim
(A Look At How Some Woman Cannot Break Their Own Vicious Cycle.)
- A Spring Journey
(My Personal Recap Of The Joys & Wonders of A Rocky Mountain Spring, Just For My GramE With A Picture For My Aunty MB!)

Catch ya on the flip side and remember to Love Your Local Bunnies!

As Spring Blooms...

It's a beautiful morning here.

I almost cried when I stepped out of my car to head into the office this morning. In spite of a major interstate running straight through the landscape, there is a breathtaking view of the Boulder Flat Irons (foothills) from my office and this morning everything seemed so awake and brilliant, it felt newly washed.

The grass is greener than I've seen in years, all things great and small are blooming into life and the smells are marvelous.

I live for Spring, it is when I feel most alive, most creative, most motivated. I often fear the changes in season as this transition has historically equated with emotional upheavals, even with all that, it is hard to ignore how captivating Spring in Colorado is. I could get lost in it. I find myself, throughout the work day, day-dreaming and wanting badly to be outside and out of this caged environment made up of cube walls and fluorescence. In here it is listless and void of life; out there is where I need to be.

~ sigh ~

Amidst all this beauty Mother Nature is bestowing upon us, my family and I have settled into a pattern of endless work days, attending Max's various events and attempting to get him there on time, more work in our home, and occasionally stealing a few moments to be in love with it all. Sometimes it feels like too much and sometimes it doesn't. I trust in the lessons I am learning at the moment, one of which is that being a big girl in life comes with a price, perhaps one I've hid from for many years. Maybe I've been lazy, or indifferent to the idea of it all, or my mind was elsewhere, or I've simply been just trying to stay afloat and do this "growing up" thing in the process, which is most likely the case.

Nurturing and loving a child, honoring the commitments I've made to the man I love, being a loyal and available friend, living consciously of the world and of self, working diligently for my employer, being a woman in a culture that still seems so divided on whether to hate us or love us; etc., etc., etc., There are days when this is all really hard work and I find myself longing for some unknown life of naps, pampering and reckless abandon to all responsibilities except that of myself. Then on most other days, it doesn't feel like work at all and by the grace of some powers that be, I've been afforded the luxury of love and so much opportunity, I can barely stand it. It is difficult to explain why I am so grateful for every moment of joy, why it overcomes me.

It's hard to relay to others where I've been. That place still lives within me somewhere, it is painful and harsh and deeply solitary. I realize now that it is hard for others to understand because the woman I am now, is not the child I was then. Save for a few individuals whom I've known since childhood, the majority in my life now have no tangible means in which to measure my growth or why it is that I am so overcome by all that I find myself surrounded with....and really, they needn't know much of any of it anyway. Because it does not matter. It does not matter to them, the embarrassments and indignities of my youth; the lengths in which I went to escape being yet another statistic, only to become one anyway in another manner; the struggle to find myself after all those years of control; the fight to care for someone else when I could barely care for myself; the years I spent being darkly introspective and healing from things I could not control. Every mistake, every scraped knee and bruised ego, none of this matters. It doesn't matter because all that falling down is part of what is helping me stand tall today. I somehow came across others in my life who can appreciate this rather than chastise or condemn me for a past that was not all my own.

I sometimes feel I am holding some hideous secret, if people knew this or that about me, then I'd be cast aside and deemed unworthy of their love. And isn't that worst thing really? To be unworthy or unloved. There was a time when I thought so. It has taken me 13 years to accept that some of my experiences were a direct result of my own personal choice, but there was so much that I do not have to feel guilty about, it wasn't my fault and I do not have to take responsibility for the actions of others. I do not need to live my life with the guilt and shame that was forced unto me by others and repeat it through eternity. But alas, forgiveness can be a tricky thing and that is what I'm really saying here is it not? That I must forgive those who have trespassed upon me, or must I forgive myself? For being a child, or fragile, or submissive, or afraid, or naive. I forgive me.

This is quite a tangent isn't it. I hadn't intended to go this route, but I've been thinking allot lately on the turn of events in the past 2 years or so and knowing that it must be another time of great change for me, another peak in the cycle. I've also been thinking about the person I've been and the person I am now and how are they different? How are they the same?

Ah, no coincidence that I might be having this thought process in the midst of Spring, a time for growth and renewal. I doubt it's coincidental really, makes perfect sense to me.

And with that my lovelies, I bid you a fair fond well and until next time, much love and hope you are all enjoying Spring wherever you may be.
l-s

Still Kicking....

I am still kicking, alive and well. Phone is toast so if you've tried to call me, I should have a new one by the weekend. Work is absorbing me and Max's schedule continues to be demanding. Our hot water heater went out, thank goodness for insurance....not so happy about the $$$ but it could've been a lot worse. I have very little social life outside of my home so nothing to report there. Chance is good, working hard and minding (ode to Carl) fairly well, but no better than usual:) inside joke.

Life is good, but summer is looking too nuts. I am already thinking about vacation and Max will be out of school in exactly one month. whoa.

ok, back to work. love to you all, I am still here and life is good but it's going to be another month or so before you hear much from me.

oh yes and PS, did anyone see this? HOLY CRAP! We were watching it and could not freaking believe it was real!
Bush Takes A Beating

PS: Thanks to Matty for stopping by Saturday night, congrats yo! I am so proud of you, keep up the good work :)

Technological Advances

We are canceling our cable television. Max is crushed. He'll get over it, but he is pouting.

I can't seem to articulate to him that the usage does not justify the cost. We don't watch all that much TV really, compared to most households anyway.

If Max is sitting in front of the TV, he is generally playing video games or watching a movie. OR (which is why tears are being shed) Saturday morning cartoons. Max is at that transitional age, where he still wants to be a kid while society is pressuring him to grow up. That and is body is not giving him many options to "growing up" because he is growing up, straight up to the sky. Did I mention he has Man Feet now? ew. They are gigantic and his toe nails are sort of icky. Understand that I did not grow up with a man in my house, so I still find them to be quite odd. He has also become quite veiny and sinewy, he looks more and more like his father every day. Which isn't a bad thing, luckily for Max. In spite of the inability for his parents to get along (or one PARENT specifically-achem) Max hit the lottery in the looks/body type gene pool. He's always going to be tall, blonde and blue eyed and while his temperment now maybe a little erratic, he is a generally sweet boy and I suspect he will be a wonderful kind and thoughtful man. After he gets done being insane.

Back to topic. The TV. I'm sick of it. It's such a waste of my energy and when I sit in front of it I am rarely paying attention if it's not the Soprano's or some movie I am sucked into. If I am watching actual television, I feel like it is sucking me in. Plus, I just can't wrap my head around the idea that I should pay the fee fed by a monopolized industry for a whole 2 or 3 channels that I actually enjoy, one being PBS which is standard network television to begin with.

grrrr.

When I called to cancel, they acted like I'd committed a mortal sin and would now rot in hell. They begged, pleaded, tried to reason and rationalize why I should continue my subscription. I was warned about the higher cost of my internet cable connection now that I'd be Discontinuing service. The threats continued as a long list of NEW service fees and taxes were explained to me, because I was Discontinuing Service. Finally, I was briefed on the very HIGH cost of Reinstating Service and that my current bundle package price would not be guaranteed.

I spent almost 30 minutes on the phone trying to Discontinue Service. I was essentially manhandled, a customer of 10+ years now and I was HARASSED because I opted out of the cable television service. I kept the freaking cable connection ya freaking hyenias! I cannot wait to finally cross Comcast off of my list of debits each month, especially after what they charged us to simply MOVE our service and the fight that ensued by my attempts to Discontinue Service. Clearly there will be retribution for such a crime.

Other current thoughts...I am convinced that we are facing very sad and scary times. It only seems to get worse and my fear of nuclear war is compounded almost daily by the reports of testing scheduled to begin June 2nd, 2006 in Nevada; the ongoing 'talks' with Iran; gas prices and this general sense of utter dread that slams me in the face every time I open a newspaper, watch CSPan, surf the internet or even allow myself to think through the potential outcomes of our current political climate. If I allow my mind to wander onto subject like the health of our Mother Earth, the rapid melting of the sea ice in Alaska or the feeling like I am such a hyprocit for contributing every day to the death of the only planet we have, I find myself in tears and falling apart. I have great fears at the moment for Max's generation. I just feel fearful in general and I'm not sure what to do except keep informed and make attempts to help where I can. If I think about it to much, I fear I'd end up hiding out in the dark somewhere, talking to myself and eating crayons.

Certainly all hope cannot be lost?

Sarah's Site Reccomendation:

http://www.tenbyten.org/10x10.html

The Decider....

In case anyone missed it, George W. Bush has labeled himself as The Decider recently while defending Rumsfeld to all those calling for his prompt resignation as Secretary Of Defense. It is just as comical as the many other self-declared titles and of course, someone has gotten creative with the chaos...I only hope John Lennon isn't offended.....

Turn on your speakers and enjoy...

The Decider

Das Right! Speeeeak It Sista Kim!

Sixth letter down....

Rocky Mountain News - Opinions Page

Have You Ever...

Wandered about aimlessly at lunch, looking for something to eat even though you already have a lunch in the refridgerator only to buy something and be dissappointed. I rarely treat myself to lunch out, almost everyone in my work goes out at lunch and I generally eat at my desk and go for a walk. I am very tired and feeling a little sorry for myself today, so I decided to get a sandwhich from Heidi's Deli. Typically, delicious and way too much food which seemed fitting for today.

It was the most awful veggie sandwhich I've ever had in my entire life. The avacado was brown and smooshy and no one wants to eat that. The cheese was slimey. The cucumbers and sprouts had definately been out too long. I'm not even picky, but it was so unappetizing I could hardly stomach the first bite.

Luckily the side Thai Peanut Salad I got is delicous, but very filling so maybe the sandwhich situation wasn't a total loss. But ask anyone, being wastefull is one of my biggest pet peaves especially when it comes to food. There are litterally people starving all over the world and we consume in such mass quantities we should be ashamed of ourselves. There's no reason for anyone to go without food, ever. It is a basic human right. Now I feel even more guilty for throwing the sandwhich away.

I then managed to spill the iced tea I've been craving all morning all over the interior of my car. It's a big, sticky nasty mess and it's all over my Baby Jetta and that makes me want to cry. Top that with the looming odor of paint coming from the back seat and guilt about people starving all over the world and I am most definately not so much in a happy place this lunch hour.

blah.

In more encouraging news, Air America was mentioned numerous times today in an article on AlterNet http://www.alternet.org/mediaculture/35074/

This is good news and it is thrilling that more folks are reading, listening and renting documentaries about the progressive movement. It is an encouraging sign, albeit in the stages of infancy.

Additionally, this is an extremely informative piece on corporations in media...I love Frontline. There's a link off the above mentioned article, but though I'd post it again as it's something I stumbled upon a while back and wanted to share...
FrontLine

peace.
s

Quick Update....

Just a quick update....

Weekend Report:

Very good, Sandy spoiled me Friday night with a wonderful Sushi meal and several hours of her time. We went to this funky little spot called the Sputnik which reflects it's name well as it is a pretty beat-nic-ish type of joint, much people watching was done and I drank something with vodka and a Red Bull which is a winning combination if you need to stay up late. Red Bull is my new favorite thing, I've been sneaking ALOT of it lately, shhhh...don't tell anyone. I love Sandy, she is very much the type of woman I aspire to be in so many ways, yet she never lets me feel like anything less than a peer....she's a good friend in many aspects. We bid a fair fond fairwell and then.....

I was then kidnapped by Matty, who promptly drove me to Flow to meet Rhi & Mike.
a) Flow was insanely packed and reminded me that I am reaching a point where I may no longer have it in me to visit clubs of that nature.
b) I was tired and feeling narcoleptic and like I needed to go home.
But I was happy to see Rhi so after deciding that Chance wasn't going to be able to come get me I bought ANOTHER Red Bull/Vodka and got on board with the fact that I would be feeling like crap on Saturday and went about my business entertaining Rhi, watching people and trying really hard not to smoke. I lost that battle, but not long enough to actually finish the cigarette and really hurt myself...YUCK!

I had a great time and enjoyed seeing my Rhi, she's a good girl. Her love is uncomplicated and I am rarely taxed emotionally by her, like Sandy, she is a diligent and kind friend. Matt was also a sight for sore eyes, I've missed the guy I used to spend ALOT of time with back in the day.

Saturday was fairly unproductive obviously and I have to give huge props to Chance for essentially keeping down the fort. He took care of Max for me Friday night and saw that his needs were met on Saturday. It is good to know that he's on my side with Max, I try not to ask him for help a lot with MJ but he's always right there when I do and I appreciate it more than he knows.

Sunday - agh, I don't want to talk about it other than my lovely visit with my Aunty MB was inspiring and comforting and then my phone died and then I pouted for a bit. But all is well, the phone has been fed and has a date with Kenari some night this week.

Carol: Went in for her mastectomy today and well, neither of them sound well. Kristen is having a hard time keeping the tears back which I know is a big deal for her. For some, keeping tears in check is a form of self-control I guess. Ths is something I've never really tried to master because it is basically hopeless, my tears flow wildly and randomly and trying to stop them is almost painful. But I know from experience that if Kristen is having that hard of a time fighting it....she's at her wits end. I think it all sort of hit both of them today, I'm not sure what to say other than to let her know that this is an initial phase, feelings are ok, no one is going to pass judgments for tears and heartaches and if they do, then kindly direct them to me and I'll handle them. Carol has apparently been in bed since they got home, I suspect she's on pretty strong pain meds so she's probably not terribly coherent. I'll be leaving soon to drop by and check on everyone. This pretty much sucks, that's really all I can say. I've spent some long hours trying to fight the urge to panic, knowing full well that panic does nothing for the current situation. I pray the Universe will be kind to her and allow her to heal quickly and comfortably.

Tonight we have soccer practice and a committee meeting. This week looks too crazy for words, probably not much more from me until later in the week.

Aunty MB - you rock and your voice makes me calm, it is good to be loved by you.

Sassy Sandy - You are a dear for taking the time to take care of me. I love your house, it's so cute and so you.

Rhi - You are a silly Tater Tot, I have your sweatshirt and hope your 1st day went well today.

Chance - I love you, you are so good even though I like to kick you in the head sometimes.

Max - It has come to my attention that you are everyone ounce sweet and good for every half ounce ornery. This is a manageable ratio, let's keep it that way. I love you Soccer Boy!

Crystal - GET YOUR ARSE OUT HERE IMMEDIATELY:)

Treadmill - I am coming to find you, you cannot escape and don't give me a hard time tonight. I've got stuff to do.

love to u all, great and small
l-s

Bang On De Drums All Day

Ok, I'm distracted.

It's Friday and I have a long-over-due ladies night rapidly approaching this evening; mad work to do before closing time and hair cuts and I desperately need a manicure. I want to break out and go play and not work, but I must and surprisingly I am getting A LOT accomplished for a Friday.

"I don't want to work
I want to bang on these drums all day
I don't want to play
I just want to bang on these drums all day"

Doh, sorry. Ok. Back to the grind...but I must make one point and that is....

"I don't want to work
I want to bang on these drums all day
I don't want to play
I just want to bang on these drums all day"

woo hoo. cuz this is ladies night and the time is right. i can't wait, to go have fun with my girls. it's been MONTHS...literally since I've been out of the house and I DON'T have the money and I will probably over do it because we tend to go crazy when the men aren't around which means my head will hurt tomorrow, but it will be worth it. tee hee.

Oh yes and the Queen Of All Ladies Nights is coming to visit Colorado (but secretly I pretend she's just coming to visit meeeee), Crystal in coming in MAY! It is so freaking on, Chance asked what my plans were for Crystal's visit and I said "Total, utter and complete debauchery." snicker snicker. eh he. yes, excellent! I intend to spend as much time with her as possible and hopefully wreaking a least a little havoc on Denver as otherwise, it just wouldn't be a night out with Crystal. I know she's getting scared right now, but she shouldn't be. She should just go with it and have fun...Rhi & I have plans for you sister, tee hee!

mostly though, i just miss her so much and can't wait to see her beautiful smile and bowl her over with a hug. sigh. butterflies. swoon :)

dang. back to work. but soon, I will be looking cute and headed out the door with Sandy for a wonderful meal and then later to shake my booty out dancing. woo woo!

peace....bang on de drums all day...i don't wanna work....

*Song Lyrics By:
ARTIST: Todd Rundgren
TITLE: Bang the Drum All Day
Lyrics and Chords

Mosquito Bites & Not Quite Fullest Moon

My first Mosquito bite of the season happened upon me at dusk
Walking one of my favorite paths and talking with setting Moon
On my upper chest, closely hugging my neck, swelling into angry redness

Itches like crazy
Someone out there is buzzing around with a full tummy

But not a worry, not a care, was worth the blank mind space I wasn't forced to share
A moment of solitude in the near darkness, almost completely void of sound
The Moon was speaking to me and asking me what was on my mind
Tears and love and pain blurted forth before Her voice had even left my ears

I fell into deep breathe and thought
and knew I wasn't lost
and engulfed the clarity
and then I could go home

Gratitudes lovely Moon, kind mother, warm shoulder

Two Weeks, Too Much To Do..Too Think About

It's been two full weeks since I last wrote, possibly the longest time span between entries since the inception of this blogg. The reasons for this are numerous and require more detail than I have the time or energy to list at the moment, but mostly I can attribute my minimal writing to a simple lack of time. I essentially spend the majority of my hours as of late working longer hours than usual and taking care of everyone (and everything) around me.

I've also experienced a few days of what can only be described now as despair. This feeling that everything I am working for, the love that I try to omit externally is all for not. It means nothing and I am not making the impact in the world that I should, I had a very depressing few days where I felt I was not living consciously or with purpose. And another few where I felt so completely unappreciated by those that surround me that I could do nothing but go inward and attempt to process it.

I am still a bit frustrated and sort of wandering about in my mind, feeling like I must "fix" things or "make decisions" about how I should proceed with some of my most recent thoughts and discoveries, but I know me and I will sit on it until I really feel forced to do something about it.

One of my primary frustrations at the moment has something to do with the level of intolerance, judgment and disrespect I have suddenly found myself surrounded by. In my work place, within some social circles, even at home to some degree. I am disgusted by it, not because I think I am better or that I have some reached a level that others in my life have not as I know this is not the case, I just don't understand it.

There are some men in my work place who are openly homophobic and make jokes and discuss this subject at luncheons, in the break room, etc...on a regular basis. I have found my jaw dropping at some of the content of their discussion, which due to the nature of our work environment I am subjected to without choice. I realize it is an insecurity, sexuality amongst men seems to be a very sensitive subject and I try to honor that, but I find myself offended by this and I am not a particularly timid young woman. I've heard much, seen what seems like it all and have certainly participated in my fair share of debauchery within my life time, but the extent to which these men seem to go to make their point sort of stuns me. What's worse, is that there conversations will invite "insight" from others within the office, including other woman who I am shocked would use such disgusting language when referring to the sexual identity of another person.

In a particular social group, individuals I have been friends with for quite some time, I am facing serious question about whether I wish to continue to engage in the friendship. Really, the bottom line for me is that I find some of their comments, remarks and blatant insinuations about others almost intolerable. I've seen this building up for some time, but it's within the last year that it's gotten exceptionally uncomfortable for me. On a regular basis I am met with some sideways remark about my political choices, food preferences, methods in which I am raising my son, how I dress, what I choose to do in my leisure time, etc..etc..I'd say it's something EVERY single time we communicate or spend time with one another and frankly, I am tired of it. Additionally, after the comments dripping with sarcasm or judgment are shot my way, I am then asked a favor as if I owe them something. For which I always cave because I do feel a sense of gratuity toward them as in the past they have been exceptionally helpful and giving, in fact we've been quite close up until the past few months. But I am definitely faced with this feeling like I must either confront the situation in the hopes of a resolution or terminate the friendship out of sanities sake because the relationship is beginning to feel toxic.

At home, boys are boys. Men seem almost incapable of seeing how their behaviors, actions or attitude may impact others unless it directly impacts them first. I am often cast as a dictator, control freak, or tyrant if I speak my mind, have a strong opinion that conflicts with others or ask for help. Am I quickly learning to accept that these guys aren't always going to like me, oh well. Most of the time, I continue to trudge forward with the idea in mind that perhaps some day, both of them will acknowledge the value of a woman such as myself in their lives. Other times I feel like telling them both right where to stick it.

Some spend so much time pointing fingers, finding faults and judging others...I want more than that for me. I want to focus on the positive and healthy aspects of this experience and one thing I am learning very quickly as that I am the only one that can make that happen for me. If that means having to take steps to remove the elements in my life that are polluting my attempts to progress, I must. Even if it is painful, uncomfortable or causes conflicts. This is a new time for me, in that regard. I've been exceptionally forgiving and tolerant in my life time and I wish to continue with that path, but it doesn't mean that I must subject myself to such levels of negativity.

Finally, and I guess this is really the most difficult aspect of current events which I've not been able to fully digest or discuss with really anyone yet, my best friend Kristen, her mother has Stage 3 breast cancer. Her name is Carol and as most of you know, Kristen and I have been very close since High School. Our families are quite bonded and Carol has been a part of my life as long as Kristen, being quite motherly to me when I was a kid and even taking me in when I no where to go. This is Carol's second bout, the first time around was not as serious and was treated with a biopsy and radiation. She went 2 full years with no problems only to find out that she had a golf ball sized tumor in her breast close to the lymph nodes and chest wall. They operated immediately last Thursday and will begin chemo this week. She will probably have the full round of treatment, including a mastectomy and radiation in addition the chemo. Kristen is not coping well obviously, but I am extremely concerned about her own health, in addition to her Mom's. Kristen has had great fears about her Mom's health since we were kids, more than your average kid I think. I know Kristen and have fears about any guilt or anxiety that might be building within her. I am checking on her at least twice a day at the moment and that might seem like a lot, but it is my way of letting her know that I am going to be here, whatever that means. She's going to have to let me love her this time, she's going to have to let me in this time because I don't think she can go through it again alone and thankfully, I am seeing signs of acknowledgement in her eyes...that she will need to let others help her this time around.

I also know, that because Kristen was holding MY head up during Carin's last stages of illness, that she has an image in her mind of what Cancer means. She heard all of my pain and agony in retelling what I'd seen with Carin, I had to get it out. I know she also remembers my state of existence during that time which was barely functional at best. I must try to remind her that all situations were different and that Carin's cancer was very aggressive, Carol's is slow growing and based on what we know so far, she does have options for recovery, this is not hopeless. This is not the end, only the beginning and in all the years her Mom has been strong for us, it's now time for us to take the leading role and care for her. My primary objective at the moment is going to be finding the balance with Kristen, what does she need, how do I help without closing in too much on a very private time etc...I think it will be a learning process for both of us, but thankfully, she seems willing and I know Carol will scold her if she tries to do too much and doesn't let me help.

We will know more about Carol's condition in the coming weeks and I'll keep everyone posted. I have such great hopes for her recovery and I hope that you will all join me in sending your thoughts and prayers her way, I also hope that this serves as a reminder for all of the woman in my life that I love to do their monthly exams at home and annually at the doctor. I love you all and want us all to be together for a very long time.

In spite of how dire this all sounds, I personally am on good terms with myself and my current state. When I put into perspective the realities of our world and what others are facing on a regular basis, it's sort of a slap in my face about being so selfish and needy. More of what I am facing at the moment is a turning point of sorts, one where I feel it is time for my backbone to shine through and to find no guilt or fear in it. It is also a time for gentleness and openness to those I love. Really, it is once again finding the balance within myself and my interactions with the world and others.

Love to you all,
L-Mango

"The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
--Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

Happy Happy Day!

The funk has lifted! Last weeks general melancholy and exhaustion has sprouted wings and flown to the netherworld!

I suspect it is partly due to the sunny skies and spring a blooming' all about, partly because the raging hormones that make me a curvy beautiful woman have subsided a touch and partly because I finally had down-time with my two favorite men this weekend.

Saturday was fantastic, relatively quiet really other than the normal house cleaning and what not. We spent most of the day watching movies and munching:) Oh woops, I forgot..Max and I did have a slight blow out on Saturday, but it was managed well by all involved even tho it had the potential to escalate. Shout out to CMan for helping Mom keep her cool with Little Man. Normal boy stuff, but oh I was mad at Max there for a second. I'm so grateful Chance could take him for just an hour and give us both some breathing room. Max came home happy as a clam. Seems Chance did sneak him off to the RC Airplane store AND helped him fix his bike tires, NO WONDER he was so happy!

Sunday I seemed pulled in too many directions for a Sunday, but that's ok. I mostly felt guilty because it seemed people were calling on me almost all day and I really did not have the time or energy to get to the phone for one reason or another. I had Baby Evan a good portion of the day and when I got done with that, I basically fell asleep watching a movie with Max and then time for dinner and then I fell asleep again. Turns out my WA family was trying to call in between these interludes and my call with Crys didn't pan out as planned either.....bummer:(

Ah well, there's only so much Mango Sunshine to go around and I will do my best to catch up with people when I can. I tend to get very guilt ridden when I feel I have let someone down and missing a phone call or not getting to someone's email in time can bug me for a while if I let it. That's why I am trying to fit into my schedule one day/night a week to catch up with people, making phones call and respond to emails.

This week is proving busy as ever, soccer practice, therapy and committee meetings after work and well..there's work. I just know that at any minutes it's going to get insane, I feel it coming! These projects they keep promising me have to come to fruition eventually and the way this place works, it'll all be at once. Feast or famine.

I have also faced the fact that I am now P.O.O.R po po po!!!! Just poor damnit. It is what it is and I can worry all I want, but it's just the fact. We are happy in the house and life is good, we must find contentness in the decisions we've made and accept that Sushi is simply no longer in the picture. I also owe the IRS over a glitch with my W4 at my new work. I claimed too many dependants for the pay scale I am in and now I'm f'd. Ah well, live and learn. NOW..I just have to figure it all out. Not to mention Max's summer camp ($200/week) summer clothes (um, see "Man Jeans") that actually fit him and then school reg fee's. Trust me, it all comes up on you quick and I am learning that no more than ever I have to plan in advance or else we're screwed.

I plan to dig up some of my poetry, new and old and post accordingly. It's been a while since I put up anything other than my random thoughts that flow and spiral from equally random places.....ok, time to focus now and wrap up my day here and start my other life, outside of my cube.

toodles for now....

oh yes...check this out...
http://www.neitherparty.org

Man Jeans

Max is officially wearing Man Jeans as of March 18th, 2006. This means that boys or juniors jeans are no longer long enough for his very very VERY long legs. He does however, have to wear a belt because as we all know, he is very very VERY slim in the torso area.

Now, what this means to Max is that he's a cool guy now; a grown man really and I (as his mother) am really in no position to question or dispute anything he might say or do, because I am clearly completely full of crap (not to mention embarassing) and he has grown (over night) into a far more superior being then myself. He still likes me though, some times.

What this means for Mom is that the little bottom that I once chased down to diaper before he successfully crawled away naked has reached a milestone in life and it's both wonderful and surreal. I'm NOT sad about the lack of diapers in my life (though I still have to change them every weekend with The Baby Evan) but the surrealness stems from a place that lives in the hearts of all Mom's, he's evolving and growing quickly. His presence now is just as new and infinite as the day he was born. And when we time warp again to Max's 30th birthday, I'm sure I'll feel that sense of otherworldy wonder that only he fills me with.

Maybe by the time he's 30, I'll no longer be full of crap?

Dining Out For Life

Gang,

This organization is quite dear to my heart, one of my closest friends is a project manager there and I've been involved with Angel Heart for various different reasons for years. The need for their services is overwhelming and PAH succeeds in their mission winningly. This event is their biggest fundraiser annually and I like to share the information each year accordingly.

It's a great way to participate in an event that not only provides donations to Angel Heart but also provides it's participants with a fantastic meal. Cheers!

http://www.projectangelheart.org/events/d-b%20dol%2006.htm

Another Gray Day

It's another gray day, I am just down in general right now I guess. I am very low on energy and feel disconnected from everyone in my life, except for Max at the moment. Which is odd considering our recent fall outs. It may be the weather, lack of personal time, just the general demands of my life maybe? I could find several sources in which I could point fingers, people I have frustrations with about one thing or another, but there is nothing productive about that. It will all pass I am sure, it is entirely up to me anyway, my happiness in this life. I am responsible for it in general, I guess the question is...what is to be done about the area's in my life in which I feel unsatisfied? I am not entirely sure, it will come to me. I am a pro at allowing this sort of emotion to run it's course and taking action (or not) accordingly.

I am looking forward to the weekend, some quiet time at home. I really need some time in my home, in solitude and with my family. Not sure if that will happen, we'll see. Hopefully Max will have a soccer game...his was cancelled this last Saturday, so I'm hoping to get out on the field with my big guy. He met with G (our therapist) last night and seems to like her, she really is great, I enjoy her tremendously thus far. When I came to meet with both of them, after their independent meeting, he was cracking me up...sort of putting on a show for her, he rarely does that so it must mean he likes her and wants her to like him He's pretty likeable, I doubt she'll have any problems with that:)

Sigh. I should get to work. I've got a report that needs finishing, it's pretty mindless (trapping nulls, calculating formulas) mostly - but time consuming. I've got a long day ahead of me after I finish this report though, today is the monthly close out for Anso and we are beginning the planning/design phases for 2 new projects which is very exciting, but again, time consuming. I'll be earning that vacation in August in the coming months I can tell you that.

Hope this finds you all well, take care.

l-s

The Dalai Lama On Happiness

Lil' Bummed This Morning....

Sorta bummed out this morning. I feel like I miss someone who is right there, right next to me. Max has also been gone for a few days, with Justin & Colleen and I miss him terribley when he's not home.



A little overwhelmed in general, finances, just too much to do and feeling like there's not enough hours in the day.

Last night, C and I were watching some Soprano's and generally just trying to catch up with one another. We were discussing finances and the fact that while we have everything we could possibly want, but we are broker than we've ever been and it is a huge adjustment for both of us. We are learning a lot about how to be "creative" with money. There is a lot of responsibility on our shoulders. I then said, very lightly, "Well, this is what we wanted, right? The house, I mean. We knew it was going to be a drastic change for us" Chance hesitated, paused and then said..."Yeah." Then, silence for quite some time. I'm not going to speculate today on what that silence means, but it adds a little to my mood this morning.

It would be a good day for cuddling up under the blanket with a pot of Hunny.

In unison, In full bloom....

I'm pretty tired, the weekend was packed and I don't feel rested one bit, but weekends like this are important to have at least once in a while. We essentially had company over the entire weekend. A fitting end to a fairly hectic week really.

Friday I was being pulled in multiple directions at work and am smack dab in the middle of a control battle between my project manager and my client. A flattering battle over my time it seems, of which I hadn't really understood the depths until Friday. My project manager is quite frustrated with the clients constant demands of my time, yet the client doesn't want to pay for an on-call, full time developer. But they treat me as such. Which doesn't bother me as they are the sole reason I was hired at PDC, but it sounds like a shift in my position may be approaching. I suspect it could be a very positive one for me, so I am excited. However, this "shift" will not occur until after June 1, so I've been instructed to keep on keeping on as if nothing is going to change...which is a little weird. My project manager knows it too, but she's asking me to just be patient and tolerant, so I will.

Friday night I had to go do my taxes with Gayle (C's Mom) and pick up Mj from her house, sounds like they had a fun day together. She's always very helpful in so many ways, I like that C's family is so cool, makes me love him even more. Max's friend met us at Gayle's house and I then spent the remainder of the night carting them around and waiting for them get done with their activities. I was in bed early, it felt good.

But then I was up early. 6:15 Saturday morning. Cleaning house, getting ready for the day. We mostly just got the house ready for our planned company for Saturday evening and went shopping, but I feel like I worked the entire day. C and I were very grumpy toward one another, I'm not sure where that tension bubbled up from but we managed to get on each other's nerves pretty good right before everyone came over and then I hardly saw him the rest of the night. What was supposed to be a small get together with another couple and their baby turned into a full-fledged party by the end of the evening. The men played XBox with the kids, gals and I played a board game and munched and drank beer. I really enjoy Beth, she's an interesting woman. I have a lot of respect for her loyalty to her family, when I feel like complaining about my life being hard...I think of her and how she never complains, she just does what needs to be done and moves on. She's a great Mom and Wife, her family is very lucky to have such a wonderful woman in their midst, they don't realize I don't think, but I do. Good job B! Then, just like that, everyone was gone. The skeleton crew remained and we ended up staying up way to late (again) but it was cool. I enjoyed meeting Mike (Rhi's friend) and even though there was some hard moments, the discussion that Matt and I had was long over due and desperately needed. Friendship isn't always easy, sometimes it's harder than you want it to be.

I spent the night feeling like I missed C, like I haven't seen him in weeks.

Sunday was spent attempting to clean the house, eating, playing with the baby and watching The Soprano's....it was nice, but it went by too fast and I still feel tired. Max is over at Colleen's for Spring Break this week (bless her heart, she's watching him basically for free) and I may ask her to keep him over night tonight so Chance and I can have a night to ourselves, some time to regroup. Plus, he's got two big pieces of Ahi Tuna to make me for dinner and that sounds like a great way to spend the evening together.

I do have a general sense of unrest right now, it may be due to the changes in season that are upon us. My physical body becomes restless when Winter Skins begins to shed, I begin to yearn for the longer days, warmth, water and hiking. This summer we have many projects planned, all of which I am eager to begin. Spring often brings me a sense of renewal and because I am not a particularly patient person, I am anxious and ready for that renewal to begin. You'd think by now I would've learned that no matter my excitement, forces do not bend to my every whim and longing for something, does not make it come to you any sooner. All in due time.

Max is doing well, I think he likes all this activity. He certainly enjoys being busy, now just to find the balance between keeping him busy and focused and keeping myself in balance. His soccer game was cancelled and I'm sure practice will be cancelled today, but I know he's digging the soccer thing big time. I can't wait to see him play:)

The office is practically silent, I'm sure it's the weather and that N is out today sick. Plus it's Monday, I know I'm not the only Weekend Warrior around here.


Merry Ostara (Spring Equinox) all, it is soon officially Spring and the Earth is about to "wake up" and blossom into all it's colorful magnificence. Soon there will be butterflies and longer days in which to play:)

No, I haven't disappeared off the face of the planet....

Things are great, I am just slammed.

Work (no project, wahoo!)
Max's schedule (3 soccer practices, 1 game each week...you do the math)
My schedule (1 Son, 1 Full Time Job, 1 Hella Cool Dude, 3 soccer practices, 1 game each week, 3 work outs, therapy, social functions, volunteering, a full time life!)

I spend more time in the car these days than I thought was possible and can keep up the pace well into the evening I am learning. This is good, it would be ideal if my body no longer required at least 8 hours of sleep...but alas, it does and it let's me know as I've recently become narcoleptic (this Chance's diagnosis, not mine) if I lay down on something comfortable, I'm going to fall asleep sooner rather than later. Usually within about 15 minutes. ~ kiss ~ Sorry C, I know this takes away from our time together, but a girls gotta get some rest ya freaking Snore Monster! golly.

With that, I must go...but I will leave with you with two pieces of very valuable information....

CMan got his promotion (GO TEAM! So proud of you babe, GOOD JOB!)

Max is doing great, I am also proud of him and all of his efforts. First soccer game this weekend! (GO TEAM! So proud of you babe, GOOD JOB!)

Until next time, peace out home chickens!

PS: At some point, you just have to laugh...the guy's a goober, what can I say?

~ Yawwwwwn ~ Streeeettccchhhhhhh

I am wiped out this morning, I am not sure what is wrong with me but I am dragging some serious ass over here. I'm trying to pump myself up and get motivated for the day, but my energy level is simply not cooperating. Too bad, I have a busy day that promises to last well into early evening. Maybe this giant cup of coffee will get things started.....

After several false starts, Max and I will begin therapy tonight. I will meet with her first and on the next visit, Max will visit with her and then we'll begin meeting together. We may switch off an on, some one on one time for both Max and I with her. I am pleased also, as this gal comes to me with fantastic referrals from 3 very trusted sources, so I feel confident in moving forward with her. Additionally, it is a husband and wife team, so my concerns about giving Max a directly male outlet may also be alleviated. We'll see, I am looking forward to working with someone neutral; outside of our circle, someone I can work through some issues with and hopefully, help Little Main gain his own perspective.

More later...busy day....search for Senator Feingold on the net, encouraging stuff going on out there, at least in the sense that someone on that level speaking out so brazenly...discouraging in the constant reminder that Democrats cannot seem to unite their efforts, that urks me to no end.

Particle Man.....

http://www.flashplayer.com/music/particleman.html

A Different Day

Yesterday was a strange day, seems the Universe and I were on a collision course with conflict. Felt like every which way I turned, I ran into it. Family, at my work, with C...I guess I just need to dust myself off and look upward to a new, bright and shiny day. One gift that conflicts bring to us is the notion of compromise, humbling oneself and empathy. It is a not a contest, who's right and wrong. It's a lesson, an experience...you gain something from the experience of conflict, even if it is unpleasant, it is a necessary evil. I've learned alot about myself through those interactions.

The drive in was beautiful, very foggy, a sort of solemn vibe. Jammed out some Radiohead for the first time in months and remembered why it was I was initially captivated. Thom's voices is romantically brutal. He makes me want to cry, laugh and acknowledge the ironies in all things that are "life." Plus, those cd's bring back so many memories, very low periods in my life where I was learning everything and being nothing. Sitting on my floor just trying to understand and not finding the energy to cry even one more tear. And the days on the lake with KB and Isaac, the young and the frivolous; not knowing anything about everything, even though we thought we did. The show's with Bryan, Kim & Sandy. All of us awed by the experience, especially the front row seats at Red Rocks. A wonderful intenseness, still gives me shivers, I'm so happy we could share that together. I hear Radiohead is touring this year, it is something I'll be keeping a close eye on.

Nothing more I wish to write about at the moment, I should get to work and be focused. There is an odd sense in the office this week, it's very tense and I'm unsure of the source or sources. I am doing my best to stay under the radar until it blows over. Definitely a mood, yeah...definitely a mood. I'm an excellent driver.

Quickly Loosing Patience

I am quickly loosing my patience with some of the women in my life who claim to love me; yet they continue to lie, belittle or attempt to manipulate me.

I am drawing the line. No more drama.

I do not know what form this will take, if it means I must remove you from my life, I will not hesitate. It is not my desire to do so, but I will feel no remorse in taking a stance that not only honors my own mental health, but that of my family as well.

It angers me that I've allowed this abuse to go on for so long, I am the one that must reconcile that anger with myself and I won't allow it to cast bitterness unto my heart. In the interim, I have the power to say no more and move on.

If you can approach me with integrity, honesty and be forthcoming, without motive; I am open. But the blatant lies, the condescending remarks, the attempts to control me or will me to do as you please for your own benefit is no longer something I wish to engage in. I am the fool for allowing it to occur for so long without defending myself or the needs of my family, I guess it is my very idealism that often causes my blindness. Again, this is something I must reconcile within me and I do not lay blame unto others for the past, but I have the choice now to make different decisions about how I allow others to treat me and let the chips fall where they may.

For me, one of the most painful aspects of this issue is that this comes from the women in my life who are supposed to be of support and unconditional love, there is so much power and strength in feminine union and these sources choose not to acknowledge that power, only fight against it and disrespect it. It is a betrayal and I it hurts my heart to acknowledge that it is real.

We all learn lessons about boundaries in our life time. I realize that others are often not intentional in their behaviors. I am not an unkind person and I would never turn someone away if they truly needed me, but we all also have personal rights. I am choosing to honor my own personal rights, something I've not done for far too long.

I feel a tremendous weight removed, just be releasing this energy. I do not wish to wallow in this frustration all day and this is why I must release it, to move forward and empower my own decisions.

Blessed be all, I hope this Wednesday finds you all in glorious harmony with your surroundings and your loved ones and YOUR SELF.

This Monkey's Going To Heaven....

Hrm, still sick. Coughing and hacking and generally feeling run down. It's got to wrap up soon, I am taking allergy meds now so that should clear this up within the next few days or so. Meanwhile, the house is a disaster and my excercise regime is suffering greatly. Both of these issues annoy me, partly becuase it is a reminder that I am simply not allowed to have down time. Maybe a time will come in my life where I don't have to work full time and can enjoy my home and keep it in the condition I wish it to be AND work out regularly AND volunteer AND be able to be home with Max after shcool/in the summers....etc...that is unlikely for numerous reasons though, the main one being that I like my job and like having money to live on.

I should complain, right? Like my life is so hard, really I should be spanked for being so bratty! Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhd Sarah!

Cindy Sheehan has been arrested again. I remember a time when her face and name were plastered all over the news and I still see her frequently on CSpan, but it does sadden me that as quickly as her cause was in the limelight, it faded again. It doesn't surprise me, just hurts that part of me that knows things are bad. This morning on Democracy Now, Amy Goodman was speaking with a Brittish Medic who resigned last year due to his discontent and horror about what he'd seen in Iraq. It was a moving interview, detailing this mans experience and the experiences of British and US military forces he saw while on duty. One number that keeps flashing in my mind is 8,000. More than 8,000 US Soldiers have deserted the US Military since we went to Iraq.

8,000 Plus? What does that say? I'd like to see that figure plastered all over Good Morning America or the local 10 o'clock news. If GWB's current approval rating is an indication though, folks are finally getting it. This is encouraging, but I still have fears of damage that cannot be undone, lives that continue to be lost and the perceptions the World Nation clearly has of America and it's citizens. If I could find a way to speak out and let the world's people know that there are so many American's who do believe in Democracy and do believe in freedom and tolerance and a global perspective. That there are so many of us who do not agree with our Government's behavior and decisions, that in fact a large portion find it appalling. I know I'm not the only one who yearns to make it known, to the world that I didn't vote for GWB and I didn't vote for this war and I didn't vote for the degradation. sigh.

I must go now, work beckons, I leave you with this.....

When a soul is out of the cocoon of the three bodies
it escapes forever from the law of relativity
and becomes the ineffable Ever-Existent.
Behold the butterfly of Omnipresence,
its wings etched with stars and moons and suns!
The soul expanded into Spirit remains alone in the region of lightless light,
darkless dark, thoughtless thought,
intoxicated with its ecstasy of joy in God's dream of cosmic creation.
From: Autobiography of a Yogi, p490, Chapter 43, by Paramahansa Yogananda, published by Rider (1996).