Happy Happy Day!

The funk has lifted! Last weeks general melancholy and exhaustion has sprouted wings and flown to the netherworld!

I suspect it is partly due to the sunny skies and spring a blooming' all about, partly because the raging hormones that make me a curvy beautiful woman have subsided a touch and partly because I finally had down-time with my two favorite men this weekend.

Saturday was fantastic, relatively quiet really other than the normal house cleaning and what not. We spent most of the day watching movies and munching:) Oh woops, I forgot..Max and I did have a slight blow out on Saturday, but it was managed well by all involved even tho it had the potential to escalate. Shout out to CMan for helping Mom keep her cool with Little Man. Normal boy stuff, but oh I was mad at Max there for a second. I'm so grateful Chance could take him for just an hour and give us both some breathing room. Max came home happy as a clam. Seems Chance did sneak him off to the RC Airplane store AND helped him fix his bike tires, NO WONDER he was so happy!

Sunday I seemed pulled in too many directions for a Sunday, but that's ok. I mostly felt guilty because it seemed people were calling on me almost all day and I really did not have the time or energy to get to the phone for one reason or another. I had Baby Evan a good portion of the day and when I got done with that, I basically fell asleep watching a movie with Max and then time for dinner and then I fell asleep again. Turns out my WA family was trying to call in between these interludes and my call with Crys didn't pan out as planned either.....bummer:(

Ah well, there's only so much Mango Sunshine to go around and I will do my best to catch up with people when I can. I tend to get very guilt ridden when I feel I have let someone down and missing a phone call or not getting to someone's email in time can bug me for a while if I let it. That's why I am trying to fit into my schedule one day/night a week to catch up with people, making phones call and respond to emails.

This week is proving busy as ever, soccer practice, therapy and committee meetings after work and well..there's work. I just know that at any minutes it's going to get insane, I feel it coming! These projects they keep promising me have to come to fruition eventually and the way this place works, it'll all be at once. Feast or famine.

I have also faced the fact that I am now P.O.O.R po po po!!!! Just poor damnit. It is what it is and I can worry all I want, but it's just the fact. We are happy in the house and life is good, we must find contentness in the decisions we've made and accept that Sushi is simply no longer in the picture. I also owe the IRS over a glitch with my W4 at my new work. I claimed too many dependants for the pay scale I am in and now I'm f'd. Ah well, live and learn. NOW..I just have to figure it all out. Not to mention Max's summer camp ($200/week) summer clothes (um, see "Man Jeans") that actually fit him and then school reg fee's. Trust me, it all comes up on you quick and I am learning that no more than ever I have to plan in advance or else we're screwed.

I plan to dig up some of my poetry, new and old and post accordingly. It's been a while since I put up anything other than my random thoughts that flow and spiral from equally random places.....ok, time to focus now and wrap up my day here and start my other life, outside of my cube.

toodles for now....

oh yes...check this out...
http://www.neitherparty.org

Man Jeans

Max is officially wearing Man Jeans as of March 18th, 2006. This means that boys or juniors jeans are no longer long enough for his very very VERY long legs. He does however, have to wear a belt because as we all know, he is very very VERY slim in the torso area.

Now, what this means to Max is that he's a cool guy now; a grown man really and I (as his mother) am really in no position to question or dispute anything he might say or do, because I am clearly completely full of crap (not to mention embarassing) and he has grown (over night) into a far more superior being then myself. He still likes me though, some times.

What this means for Mom is that the little bottom that I once chased down to diaper before he successfully crawled away naked has reached a milestone in life and it's both wonderful and surreal. I'm NOT sad about the lack of diapers in my life (though I still have to change them every weekend with The Baby Evan) but the surrealness stems from a place that lives in the hearts of all Mom's, he's evolving and growing quickly. His presence now is just as new and infinite as the day he was born. And when we time warp again to Max's 30th birthday, I'm sure I'll feel that sense of otherworldy wonder that only he fills me with.

Maybe by the time he's 30, I'll no longer be full of crap?

Dining Out For Life

Gang,

This organization is quite dear to my heart, one of my closest friends is a project manager there and I've been involved with Angel Heart for various different reasons for years. The need for their services is overwhelming and PAH succeeds in their mission winningly. This event is their biggest fundraiser annually and I like to share the information each year accordingly.

It's a great way to participate in an event that not only provides donations to Angel Heart but also provides it's participants with a fantastic meal. Cheers!

http://www.projectangelheart.org/events/d-b%20dol%2006.htm

Another Gray Day

It's another gray day, I am just down in general right now I guess. I am very low on energy and feel disconnected from everyone in my life, except for Max at the moment. Which is odd considering our recent fall outs. It may be the weather, lack of personal time, just the general demands of my life maybe? I could find several sources in which I could point fingers, people I have frustrations with about one thing or another, but there is nothing productive about that. It will all pass I am sure, it is entirely up to me anyway, my happiness in this life. I am responsible for it in general, I guess the question is...what is to be done about the area's in my life in which I feel unsatisfied? I am not entirely sure, it will come to me. I am a pro at allowing this sort of emotion to run it's course and taking action (or not) accordingly.

I am looking forward to the weekend, some quiet time at home. I really need some time in my home, in solitude and with my family. Not sure if that will happen, we'll see. Hopefully Max will have a soccer game...his was cancelled this last Saturday, so I'm hoping to get out on the field with my big guy. He met with G (our therapist) last night and seems to like her, she really is great, I enjoy her tremendously thus far. When I came to meet with both of them, after their independent meeting, he was cracking me up...sort of putting on a show for her, he rarely does that so it must mean he likes her and wants her to like him He's pretty likeable, I doubt she'll have any problems with that:)

Sigh. I should get to work. I've got a report that needs finishing, it's pretty mindless (trapping nulls, calculating formulas) mostly - but time consuming. I've got a long day ahead of me after I finish this report though, today is the monthly close out for Anso and we are beginning the planning/design phases for 2 new projects which is very exciting, but again, time consuming. I'll be earning that vacation in August in the coming months I can tell you that.

Hope this finds you all well, take care.

l-s

The Dalai Lama On Happiness

Lil' Bummed This Morning....

Sorta bummed out this morning. I feel like I miss someone who is right there, right next to me. Max has also been gone for a few days, with Justin & Colleen and I miss him terribley when he's not home.



A little overwhelmed in general, finances, just too much to do and feeling like there's not enough hours in the day.

Last night, C and I were watching some Soprano's and generally just trying to catch up with one another. We were discussing finances and the fact that while we have everything we could possibly want, but we are broker than we've ever been and it is a huge adjustment for both of us. We are learning a lot about how to be "creative" with money. There is a lot of responsibility on our shoulders. I then said, very lightly, "Well, this is what we wanted, right? The house, I mean. We knew it was going to be a drastic change for us" Chance hesitated, paused and then said..."Yeah." Then, silence for quite some time. I'm not going to speculate today on what that silence means, but it adds a little to my mood this morning.

It would be a good day for cuddling up under the blanket with a pot of Hunny.

In unison, In full bloom....

I'm pretty tired, the weekend was packed and I don't feel rested one bit, but weekends like this are important to have at least once in a while. We essentially had company over the entire weekend. A fitting end to a fairly hectic week really.

Friday I was being pulled in multiple directions at work and am smack dab in the middle of a control battle between my project manager and my client. A flattering battle over my time it seems, of which I hadn't really understood the depths until Friday. My project manager is quite frustrated with the clients constant demands of my time, yet the client doesn't want to pay for an on-call, full time developer. But they treat me as such. Which doesn't bother me as they are the sole reason I was hired at PDC, but it sounds like a shift in my position may be approaching. I suspect it could be a very positive one for me, so I am excited. However, this "shift" will not occur until after June 1, so I've been instructed to keep on keeping on as if nothing is going to change...which is a little weird. My project manager knows it too, but she's asking me to just be patient and tolerant, so I will.

Friday night I had to go do my taxes with Gayle (C's Mom) and pick up Mj from her house, sounds like they had a fun day together. She's always very helpful in so many ways, I like that C's family is so cool, makes me love him even more. Max's friend met us at Gayle's house and I then spent the remainder of the night carting them around and waiting for them get done with their activities. I was in bed early, it felt good.

But then I was up early. 6:15 Saturday morning. Cleaning house, getting ready for the day. We mostly just got the house ready for our planned company for Saturday evening and went shopping, but I feel like I worked the entire day. C and I were very grumpy toward one another, I'm not sure where that tension bubbled up from but we managed to get on each other's nerves pretty good right before everyone came over and then I hardly saw him the rest of the night. What was supposed to be a small get together with another couple and their baby turned into a full-fledged party by the end of the evening. The men played XBox with the kids, gals and I played a board game and munched and drank beer. I really enjoy Beth, she's an interesting woman. I have a lot of respect for her loyalty to her family, when I feel like complaining about my life being hard...I think of her and how she never complains, she just does what needs to be done and moves on. She's a great Mom and Wife, her family is very lucky to have such a wonderful woman in their midst, they don't realize I don't think, but I do. Good job B! Then, just like that, everyone was gone. The skeleton crew remained and we ended up staying up way to late (again) but it was cool. I enjoyed meeting Mike (Rhi's friend) and even though there was some hard moments, the discussion that Matt and I had was long over due and desperately needed. Friendship isn't always easy, sometimes it's harder than you want it to be.

I spent the night feeling like I missed C, like I haven't seen him in weeks.

Sunday was spent attempting to clean the house, eating, playing with the baby and watching The Soprano's....it was nice, but it went by too fast and I still feel tired. Max is over at Colleen's for Spring Break this week (bless her heart, she's watching him basically for free) and I may ask her to keep him over night tonight so Chance and I can have a night to ourselves, some time to regroup. Plus, he's got two big pieces of Ahi Tuna to make me for dinner and that sounds like a great way to spend the evening together.

I do have a general sense of unrest right now, it may be due to the changes in season that are upon us. My physical body becomes restless when Winter Skins begins to shed, I begin to yearn for the longer days, warmth, water and hiking. This summer we have many projects planned, all of which I am eager to begin. Spring often brings me a sense of renewal and because I am not a particularly patient person, I am anxious and ready for that renewal to begin. You'd think by now I would've learned that no matter my excitement, forces do not bend to my every whim and longing for something, does not make it come to you any sooner. All in due time.

Max is doing well, I think he likes all this activity. He certainly enjoys being busy, now just to find the balance between keeping him busy and focused and keeping myself in balance. His soccer game was cancelled and I'm sure practice will be cancelled today, but I know he's digging the soccer thing big time. I can't wait to see him play:)

The office is practically silent, I'm sure it's the weather and that N is out today sick. Plus it's Monday, I know I'm not the only Weekend Warrior around here.


Merry Ostara (Spring Equinox) all, it is soon officially Spring and the Earth is about to "wake up" and blossom into all it's colorful magnificence. Soon there will be butterflies and longer days in which to play:)

No, I haven't disappeared off the face of the planet....

Things are great, I am just slammed.

Work (no project, wahoo!)
Max's schedule (3 soccer practices, 1 game each week...you do the math)
My schedule (1 Son, 1 Full Time Job, 1 Hella Cool Dude, 3 soccer practices, 1 game each week, 3 work outs, therapy, social functions, volunteering, a full time life!)

I spend more time in the car these days than I thought was possible and can keep up the pace well into the evening I am learning. This is good, it would be ideal if my body no longer required at least 8 hours of sleep...but alas, it does and it let's me know as I've recently become narcoleptic (this Chance's diagnosis, not mine) if I lay down on something comfortable, I'm going to fall asleep sooner rather than later. Usually within about 15 minutes. ~ kiss ~ Sorry C, I know this takes away from our time together, but a girls gotta get some rest ya freaking Snore Monster! golly.

With that, I must go...but I will leave with you with two pieces of very valuable information....

CMan got his promotion (GO TEAM! So proud of you babe, GOOD JOB!)

Max is doing great, I am also proud of him and all of his efforts. First soccer game this weekend! (GO TEAM! So proud of you babe, GOOD JOB!)

Until next time, peace out home chickens!

PS: At some point, you just have to laugh...the guy's a goober, what can I say?

~ Yawwwwwn ~ Streeeettccchhhhhhh

I am wiped out this morning, I am not sure what is wrong with me but I am dragging some serious ass over here. I'm trying to pump myself up and get motivated for the day, but my energy level is simply not cooperating. Too bad, I have a busy day that promises to last well into early evening. Maybe this giant cup of coffee will get things started.....

After several false starts, Max and I will begin therapy tonight. I will meet with her first and on the next visit, Max will visit with her and then we'll begin meeting together. We may switch off an on, some one on one time for both Max and I with her. I am pleased also, as this gal comes to me with fantastic referrals from 3 very trusted sources, so I feel confident in moving forward with her. Additionally, it is a husband and wife team, so my concerns about giving Max a directly male outlet may also be alleviated. We'll see, I am looking forward to working with someone neutral; outside of our circle, someone I can work through some issues with and hopefully, help Little Main gain his own perspective.

More later...busy day....search for Senator Feingold on the net, encouraging stuff going on out there, at least in the sense that someone on that level speaking out so brazenly...discouraging in the constant reminder that Democrats cannot seem to unite their efforts, that urks me to no end.

Particle Man.....

http://www.flashplayer.com/music/particleman.html

A Different Day

Yesterday was a strange day, seems the Universe and I were on a collision course with conflict. Felt like every which way I turned, I ran into it. Family, at my work, with C...I guess I just need to dust myself off and look upward to a new, bright and shiny day. One gift that conflicts bring to us is the notion of compromise, humbling oneself and empathy. It is a not a contest, who's right and wrong. It's a lesson, an experience...you gain something from the experience of conflict, even if it is unpleasant, it is a necessary evil. I've learned alot about myself through those interactions.

The drive in was beautiful, very foggy, a sort of solemn vibe. Jammed out some Radiohead for the first time in months and remembered why it was I was initially captivated. Thom's voices is romantically brutal. He makes me want to cry, laugh and acknowledge the ironies in all things that are "life." Plus, those cd's bring back so many memories, very low periods in my life where I was learning everything and being nothing. Sitting on my floor just trying to understand and not finding the energy to cry even one more tear. And the days on the lake with KB and Isaac, the young and the frivolous; not knowing anything about everything, even though we thought we did. The show's with Bryan, Kim & Sandy. All of us awed by the experience, especially the front row seats at Red Rocks. A wonderful intenseness, still gives me shivers, I'm so happy we could share that together. I hear Radiohead is touring this year, it is something I'll be keeping a close eye on.

Nothing more I wish to write about at the moment, I should get to work and be focused. There is an odd sense in the office this week, it's very tense and I'm unsure of the source or sources. I am doing my best to stay under the radar until it blows over. Definitely a mood, yeah...definitely a mood. I'm an excellent driver.

Quickly Loosing Patience

I am quickly loosing my patience with some of the women in my life who claim to love me; yet they continue to lie, belittle or attempt to manipulate me.

I am drawing the line. No more drama.

I do not know what form this will take, if it means I must remove you from my life, I will not hesitate. It is not my desire to do so, but I will feel no remorse in taking a stance that not only honors my own mental health, but that of my family as well.

It angers me that I've allowed this abuse to go on for so long, I am the one that must reconcile that anger with myself and I won't allow it to cast bitterness unto my heart. In the interim, I have the power to say no more and move on.

If you can approach me with integrity, honesty and be forthcoming, without motive; I am open. But the blatant lies, the condescending remarks, the attempts to control me or will me to do as you please for your own benefit is no longer something I wish to engage in. I am the fool for allowing it to occur for so long without defending myself or the needs of my family, I guess it is my very idealism that often causes my blindness. Again, this is something I must reconcile within me and I do not lay blame unto others for the past, but I have the choice now to make different decisions about how I allow others to treat me and let the chips fall where they may.

For me, one of the most painful aspects of this issue is that this comes from the women in my life who are supposed to be of support and unconditional love, there is so much power and strength in feminine union and these sources choose not to acknowledge that power, only fight against it and disrespect it. It is a betrayal and I it hurts my heart to acknowledge that it is real.

We all learn lessons about boundaries in our life time. I realize that others are often not intentional in their behaviors. I am not an unkind person and I would never turn someone away if they truly needed me, but we all also have personal rights. I am choosing to honor my own personal rights, something I've not done for far too long.

I feel a tremendous weight removed, just be releasing this energy. I do not wish to wallow in this frustration all day and this is why I must release it, to move forward and empower my own decisions.

Blessed be all, I hope this Wednesday finds you all in glorious harmony with your surroundings and your loved ones and YOUR SELF.

This Monkey's Going To Heaven....

Hrm, still sick. Coughing and hacking and generally feeling run down. It's got to wrap up soon, I am taking allergy meds now so that should clear this up within the next few days or so. Meanwhile, the house is a disaster and my excercise regime is suffering greatly. Both of these issues annoy me, partly becuase it is a reminder that I am simply not allowed to have down time. Maybe a time will come in my life where I don't have to work full time and can enjoy my home and keep it in the condition I wish it to be AND work out regularly AND volunteer AND be able to be home with Max after shcool/in the summers....etc...that is unlikely for numerous reasons though, the main one being that I like my job and like having money to live on.

I should complain, right? Like my life is so hard, really I should be spanked for being so bratty! Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhd Sarah!

Cindy Sheehan has been arrested again. I remember a time when her face and name were plastered all over the news and I still see her frequently on CSpan, but it does sadden me that as quickly as her cause was in the limelight, it faded again. It doesn't surprise me, just hurts that part of me that knows things are bad. This morning on Democracy Now, Amy Goodman was speaking with a Brittish Medic who resigned last year due to his discontent and horror about what he'd seen in Iraq. It was a moving interview, detailing this mans experience and the experiences of British and US military forces he saw while on duty. One number that keeps flashing in my mind is 8,000. More than 8,000 US Soldiers have deserted the US Military since we went to Iraq.

8,000 Plus? What does that say? I'd like to see that figure plastered all over Good Morning America or the local 10 o'clock news. If GWB's current approval rating is an indication though, folks are finally getting it. This is encouraging, but I still have fears of damage that cannot be undone, lives that continue to be lost and the perceptions the World Nation clearly has of America and it's citizens. If I could find a way to speak out and let the world's people know that there are so many American's who do believe in Democracy and do believe in freedom and tolerance and a global perspective. That there are so many of us who do not agree with our Government's behavior and decisions, that in fact a large portion find it appalling. I know I'm not the only one who yearns to make it known, to the world that I didn't vote for GWB and I didn't vote for this war and I didn't vote for the degradation. sigh.

I must go now, work beckons, I leave you with this.....

When a soul is out of the cocoon of the three bodies
it escapes forever from the law of relativity
and becomes the ineffable Ever-Existent.
Behold the butterfly of Omnipresence,
its wings etched with stars and moons and suns!
The soul expanded into Spirit remains alone in the region of lightless light,
darkless dark, thoughtless thought,
intoxicated with its ecstasy of joy in God's dream of cosmic creation.
From: Autobiography of a Yogi, p490, Chapter 43, by Paramahansa Yogananda, published by Rider (1996).

Hellllooooooooo From The Other Side Of The Universe

Hello Boys & Girls.

Sorry for the lack of communication on my end, I've been in and out functional consciousness now for about a week. There is some nasty-ass viral funk going around and I've managed to catch it and am now trying desperately to release it.

A few notations about being ill:
- My life doesn't care if I should be in bed or have a fever.
- The demands are real and plenty and being "sick" is a poor excuse apparently, for things not getting done.
- I cannot just stay in the house, even if I am taking a sick-day from work and NOT work, do laundry or dig into unpacked boxes that need to be organized.
- I am irritated that I have had to use PTO (paid time off) for sick days rather than having fun days.

I'm sick of being sick, so I am moving on and pretending it is not happening.

In other news, my car just got it's first tune up and 20k mile maintenance from the dealership since I bought her. She's running like a champ and the Baby Jetta is now shining in all her glory, she is a very happy Baby Jetta. Entirely too much fun to drive, I can feel everything firing properly under that hood and when that turbo kicks in...I'm like ~ squoooosh ~ Is it wrong to have such devout love for a large metal object that is killing Mother Earth? It probably really is, but I am quite fond of the Baby Jetta and will take my lumps according when I must face my judgments.

Speaking of taking my lumps, it has come to my attention that I have in-advertantly offended a friend of a friend several weeks back during some late night shenanigans. Naturally, I feel I must take responsibility in this offense as it is my intention to do no harm unto others. So I of course I will apologize and humbly move on, having learned a very valuable lesson. My only request would be that in the future, if someone finds themselves offended or hurt by my behaviors or actions, that they come directly to me with it rather than discussing it behind my back. It is embarrassing and disrespectful, the idea that my "friends" would have a round table discussion on how to "handle" me when a simple request would suffice. Anyone who knows anything about me knows that. But, I cannot control how others will behave only my reactions to their behavior.

This issue leads me into the next that has been on my mind as of late and that is me and my big mouth. You would think that by now in my life time, I would have learned that not all not all are comfortable with my forthcoming and direct nature. For some, my bluntness is often construed as offensive, rude, crass or considered over the top. Mostly, I could give a crap what most people think.. I stand by my "What you see is what you get." approach to life and my interactions with others. I am not a vision of perfection by any means, but I also don't feel the need to hide who I am through public and social facade. If something comes out of my mouth, one can be rest assured it doesn't come out of my mouth to intentionally offend, disrespect or dishonor another. Those are the words that have spewed forth from my heart, mind or spirit at any given moment and tho it may not always be comfortable for everyone involved, I won't be put on trial or guilted for speaking the truth. And there are times when I am very silly and very giggling and this some how bothers people. Ah well. If I love someone, I will speak it. If I am curious about someone or something, I'm going to investigate it openly. If I am angry, in pain, frustrated, etc...I'm not going to hide it. If I see something that strikes me as completely wrong, I'm not going change sides for the sake of a false peace. Why should I? I've spent years finding my voice, I like it alot and am proud to have it.

Having said all this, I have had some serious realizations about the extent of fakeness in our culture and there are days when I do wish to crawl into a shell and smile and nod and be complacent. It would be a hell of alot easier. And some times I do, just cuz I don't have the energy or quickly realize what we all do on those days..."it's just not worth it." Sometimes, it takes time for some of us to learn when to shut the hell up. Sometimes, it takes a while for some of us to learn whether or not it's really that important to them..."What will others think of me if I don't shut the hell up?"

Interesting ponderings indeed, but I am moving on from that subject now.

Max is doing well, playing soccer again and has several more practices a week then in previous seasons. I am excited for him, I think this league will be a good transition for him out of the recreational soccer realm and into the more competitive. He is so adorable, we've been having a lot of fun lately.

Matty showed up at my door at 10 am yesterday morning, having drove some ridiculous number of hours from Reno to get to Colorado. I squealed and squished him and was very happy to see him. I know Rhi is relieved that he is home and I am too I guess, I think we like to keep an eye on him. Matt has more Mothers, Sisters and Girls than he knows what to do with I think. Either way, I am happy he's home just in time for summer and I am looking forward to a weekend camping trip or something hopefully. That is if I can wash his mouth out with soap first, he's picked up a M.O.U.T.H. from hanging out with all those glass guys :)

CMan is laid up with some sort of neck injury, he is very uncomfortable and I am very concerned. I hope it's nothing serious, but he slept downstairs last night and I missed him terribly. I plan to harass him all day until he goes to the doc.

Shout out to Rhi & Matt for showing up at Dan A's show last night. Thank you for taking the time to participate in the life of someone who is very important to me. Mary was very touched that you guys could take the time to make it, it means alot. Supporting kids in their creative ventures is a pivotal role in their ultimate success. He looked so great up there, on that stage. I could still see his 7 year old sweet little face in his 17 year old, "all grown up and a dude now" body. I think Max's reaction to the punk club was a highlight of the evening for me, one of Max's first exposures to less than suburban life :) Freaking cracked me up!

Oh yes, and thanks to Rhi for bringing over the Tupac dvd's. I miss him so much, I hope to see more of his work published and his message being propagated in the community.

The weekend was fun over all, tho I spent most of it on the couch or being sick. I had some silly fun with Rhi Friday night, it was nice to see her. The coming weekend will be all about the folks and family, so it was nice to have a little silly fun time with my girl.

And on a final note, I'd like to say a little something about trust. Clear, honest and concise boundaries are the first step in giving and receiving trust in any situation. If once those boundaries have been established, they are crossed, then perhaps one can than find a reason to distrust the other. But if you don't know where your heart sits, where your own personal boundaries are in general, in life, then how can another? If one is firm within themselves and with others about their personal conviction, then there is no question about the boundaries and thus the trust. Sometimes, we need to explain to others what it might be that might hurt us or causes us to question another persons love or loyalty. Until telepathic communication is accepted and practiced by human beings, we cannot know what the other is thinking/feeling/etc...without communications and you can't communicate how you feel about something to someone until you've thought it through yourself.

Until next time, peace out ya'll.
L-S

No one ever said this was going to be easy....

I get it now, soooo many more things are becoming clearer.

You know how something can make sense in your mind, it is logical and is real to you. You can reference it when your brain receives information, you use it to calculate accordingly.

But sometimes, these facts, this knowledge, it does not become concrete until a certain event or thought or emotion brings it to the forefront of your daily experience. At this point, I suppose, you have no other choice but to acknowledge this piece of information as true, and even more so...the gravity of what it means.

Here is the fact: Max, from the very depths of his inner self, wants so very badly to have a relationship with this unknown figure...his Father. He would go to almost any lengths to make it happen and has. He see's me, The Mother, as the one who is withholding The Father from him. Max must satisfy his curiosity with his ideas of what The Father is and will not relent until his thirst has been quenched.

In part, this explains much of his behavior as of the past 6 months or so. So very much. The other part is that he's just 13 and it's really hard to be 13 in a lot of ways. But I've been attributing far too much of his behavior to his age and not taking into account (perhaps out of denial) the reality of this little man's world.

As Max's behavior continues to peak and valley, I am seeing a pattern. As he continues to see counselor's at school, through discussions with friends (his and mine) and as we begin to embark on a path of family and individual therapy, I am able to see so much more than I did several months ago. My heart aches for having these blinders on, that I've been so wrapped up in myself and my life to really be able to see that my son needs me and I am not doing my job as well as I could.

You couple Max's state of mind with the sum of all the unique parts in our current equation and how it is that they got there, and you've got one pretty mixed up little guy. Anyone would be. Let's consider the following:

a) About 2.5 years ago, Dad pops in Max's life after 0 (ZERO) contact with Max since Max can remember.
b) The visits are minimal at best, but they do exist.
c) Since then, Max has started Junior High.
e) Also since then, Mom's life has taken a drastic turn in many ways.
d) Theses changes have been positive and healthier moves, but are changes nonetheless.
f) It's always just been Max and Mom for the most part, enter Chance who Max has expressed to Mom and many others that he thinks is great, but it is a change and Max is no longer the ONLY man in Mom's life, at least not the only man Mom is close to.
g) Mom starts a new job.
h) Everyone picks up and moves into a new house.
I) The stress of the last year, has been high even though everyone has been relatively happy in it all.
j) Clearly, every aspect of the above is going to impact Max tremendously. More than any of us can really know.

I am so angry at myself for being so hard on him as of late, this kid is dealing with the whole gambit of issues and I am not making it any easier on him. This does not excuse his behavior, but it realizing what is going on does make me accountable for mine and how I am approaching things with him.

I am very confident with the direction I am taking with him and the decisions being made about his Father and his Father's side of the family. I will move forward accordingly with child support action, visitation issues and standing my ground about what I believe is to be in Max's best interest. I will be the one to face their anger and accusations, not Max. In case you don't know, his Father's side of the family is so not happy that I am being putting my foot down and going against their desires, they have become increasingly manipulative and inappropriate. It's getting ugly, it could get worse.

At this point though, I must do what ever I can to help Max build a healthy relationship with his Dad. I can only do so much, much of his rests on his Father but I will do what I can to help him through it and if it doesn't go according to the idea Max has built in his head, I will hold him when he is hurting over it. This is a very complicated situation unfortunately, something Max cannot really understand. Court and jurisdiction issues are going to make this process seem like an eternity to him, but I will do my best to encourage written and verbal communications between Max and his Dad in the interim.

As the Dad issue progresses, we will need to continue to work on our relationship as Mom and Kiddo and of course, at some point, the relationship between Chance & Max will build and I think Max does want this with time. I know C will handle it well and I think ultimately they will both find the interaction beneficial. Mom can see many things that can be done differently, one of them being that I could learn to listen more proactively and perhaps learn some communication skills with this "new" Max.

This is only the beginning I think really. But it is where we need to start and I feel hopeful about it. School is also a huge issue obviously, I am not quite sure where that one will go...but it's on the radar screen for sure.

There is already much in the way of progress in this situation, Max is a fantastic individual. He has such a warm heart, he is kind and giving and loves to build relationships and have interactions with others. He is a social being, a little shy I think, but does really enjoy engaging with others. He is also very bright and intuitive, he knows that things aren't as great as they could be between he and I at the moment AND that school is an issue, I think he is willing to work with me to a degree...as much as he is capable of at 13 I suppose.

Anyway, I have a great deal of hope that this Little Man will grow into a healthy Big Man...but I do have some shifting of my own mentality to do about what it means to be the parent. I suspect it is going to be a test of patience unlike I've ever known, but he is worth it...he is everything to me and I, like every other Mother on the planet, only want him to be happy, healthy and safe. Let's all pray he stays that way.

Wanton Wednesday's

Wanton

Wanton, a.

1. Wandering or roving in gaiety or sport; sportive; frolicsome; darting aside, or one way and the other.
2. Moving or flying loosely; playing in the wind.
3. Wandering from moral rectitude; licentious; dissolute; indulging in sensuality without restraint.
4. More appropriately, deviating from the rules of chastity; lewd; lustful; lascivious; libidinous.
5. Disposed to unchastity; indicating wantonness. Isaiah 3.
6. Loose; unrestrained; running to excess.
7. Luxuriant; overgrown.
8. Extravagant; as wanton dress.
9. Not regular; not turned or formed with regularity.

Wanton, n.

1. A lewd person; a lascivious man or woman.
2. A trifler; an insignificant flutterer.
3. A word of slight endearment.

Wanton, v,t.

1. To rove and ramble without restraint, rule or limit; to revel; to play loosely.
2. To ramble in lewdness; to play lasciviously.
3. To move briskly and irregularly.

~ Evile Grin ~

Wohahahaaaaaaaaw - this sounds about right on certain days! Tis true, tis true....

Feeling a bit impish and naughty today, I'd say. Started out the morning on not such a great note with some mild bickering and fussing with CMan AND Max, but that's the way it goes when you live with two guys who are generally pretty wonderful, but are naturally resistant, for which I am their favorite target to resist! So with a skip and a hop, I'm off to explore my day and choose not to pout about the sunny hours of my day or propagate the drama of the morning, though I HAVE officially been dubbed a "Drama Queen" so I think I shall don my shiny new crown gloriously and rain drama down across the land, soaking my loyal subjects severely and harshly - buwahaha - take that ya little goobers!

ha. Whew, now doesn't that feel better? Even the Sweet Mango has moments of Wicked Witchyness and she doesn't feel all that guilty about it either....cackle cackle....I'll get you my pretties and your little bratty cat to!

Despite the before mentioned squabbling, I am quite happy and content with life. Chance and I had a wondrous weekend as we celebrated our Valentines Day on Friday night, his ever increasing culinary skills are spoiling me tremendously. We were supposed to go do something together alone and have "us" time, but we essentially fell asleep. I'm not sure what that says...but I'd say it mostly just means we were tired from a long, hard work week. Nonetheless, C was very sweet and made me a happy happy girl - he's a good guy and I think we are very lucky to be in love with each other! We spent the remainder of the weekend eating yet more food, babysitting Evan (aw) and cleaning. Colleen came over for "game night" and we ended up staying focused for a whole 20 minutes before we started playing and talking and giggling. She's a lot of fun and I like her baby a lot too, so that helps:)

In the midst of all the fun, I've managed to throw my back out pretty badly and am quite uncomfortable but am baring it and mostly just ignoring it so I can continue with my happiness. I am sure it's from sleeping on the futon for a few nights in the row with the baby, picking up the baby and all his stuff and not getting exercise for a few days. Danget, I've really been on track with all that...and then I blew it. Hoping to get in a work out tonight before Max and I go to our first committee meeting. We will be volunteering together for http://www.starlight-colorado.org/, working on a scavenger hunt event for this coming June. I am excited about getting involved personally as I miss volunteering tremendously, but am also hoping the experience will be positive for Max in numerous different ways. I think a little hands on community involvement might serve him well at this point. Max has a kind spirit and generous heart and he loves to help, I sense he will find reward even if he doesn't display it externally.

CMan is up for a promotion at his work, which we are all thinking positive thoughts and sending out vibe in that direction. Not only will the be an advance in his career, but it will be one that he'd come upon only a year into his this position. His focus and ability to follow through once he sets his mind on something is quite impressive, he really works hard when it's important. I am so proud of him, I hope it all comes to fruition for him...promotions are extremely reaffirming of ones performance.

Mr. Man should also be starting school in the comings month and has a birthday tomorrow (02/23) so he's got quite a bit of changes occurring, as do we all. Also dinner with C's Mom and Jeff for his birthday! She's such a dear, seems like she's been gone for an eternity. She missed the really frigid cold and snow here, so that parts good...but otherwise, things are about the same as when she left in Colorado. Any who, C seems happy, I like it when he smiles and I've seen more of them since the move.

MJ....awww Little Man, you know, he's doing pretty good over all. I have been discussing with several folks in our lives the idea of putting Max in private or alternative school. He's just not doing well academically in his existing environment, even though he is clearly capable. Much of this shows by the way his grades work out, there are two combinations that ultimately determine the outcome. The teacher and the subject. The two classes in which he has the highest grades currently, are taught by very patient and reasonable teachers that clearly out line their expectations of his behavior and performance, yet maintain a consistent level of flexibility about things like talking with partners, changing seats, allowing Max to move about the classroom if needed,etc...basically the the "right" amount of structure AND liberal policy. Neither of these classes are his favorite subjects, but he is doing well in them. At that point, it all digresses. Max does not respond to arbitrary control or rules, he just doesn't care unless he can logically find a rational point in his own mind for it. Unfortunately, this is how many teachers teach in traditional public schools because it is basically the norm. Thing is, Max is surrounded by good teachers (in spite of what he'd say) and goes to a pretty good school in our district....I just thinks he's got a level of intelligence that's different than (not necessarily higher or better) allot of kids, he learns differently and responds differently.....I'd dare say in some ways he's more mature than many children his age and much less capable than others. Much of this is my fault I now realize, for coddling him and often not being firm in my boundaries with him....in my "Mother's" mind, he's not given me much reason until now to really enforce allot of discipline, he's generally just been a pretty good kid over all. He is still a wonderful person and I adore him more than anyone, but the fact remains that a change must occur in how I am raising him, he's a teenager after all. I do feel confident that we'll work through them together....Chance has been a huge support and though I think they often do not know what to do with one another, the daily interactions are becoming more fluid and comfortable. Max and I will be starting counseling next week, I think this will help us both work through many things. I also think, as we all settle into a routine in our new home, school/work and what not...AND soccer coming up...I think the ups and downs of this past 3 - 6 months will settle into a comfortable existence. A very sweet side note about Little Man: he has grown man feet. I noticed it the other day. Gone are the cute little boy feet, replaced by big huge M.A.N. feet! Probably to support his quickly developing M.A.N. body and voice (~ squeak ~)

Let's see...what else. Oh...the remainder of our furniture will be here this weekend sans the bookshelves. So we've got almost everything now! Woo woo...I can't wait to see it and get it down stairs. I think I will finally feel like I can really nest, this really should be all we need for a while Next will be getting my poor plants repotted and pictures hung with care.

I am supposed to go on the infamous Ladies Night 2006 this Saturday night Kim & Sandy, but no dice as I am beeeeeeeeeeerokedy broke! I'm bummed cuz these are fun, usually about 25 - 50 girls all dolled up and out on the town raising hell - it's a blast!! I'm also bummed as I don't see them much and I appreciate their company tremendously, but I know they'll understand and we'll reschedule. However, Rhi & I have decided that the following weekend after she returns from Seattle will be time for some fun. Since we are all poor these days because we are all trying to make a life for ourselves, this may consist of cheap wine and board games and our house or at "The Bachelor Pad" as Rhi likes to call her place with Sam ha ha ha~ I am looking forward to it, it's been a bit since we got together. Oh yes and speaking of Rhea's trip to Seattle....please do the speed limit woman and stay awake! I can't afford to bail you out of jail! Call if you need me, should have my phone by then.

Other things on my mind: My relationship with Pam is tense right now to say the least. It has been for quite some time, really since last summer's Wisconsin trip and even before hand. I have days where I am tired of caring and others where I want to work it out so we can be friends again. I know we are very different people and I can accept those differences, what I cannot accept is the negativity and manipulations that seem to surround our interactions consistently, it has become increasingly difficult to be respectful and not lash out at her comments, insults and insuiations. It has become increasingly difficult to find the forgiveness and patience in my heart for someone who simply cannot find it within her own heart to appreciate my worth and just be happy for me and all my accomplishments. I could go off on this rant for pages and there are two sides of every story, but there's just alot of unresolved history and a serious clash in belief systems between us. My response to this is to simply avoid conflict or contact really, which certainly won't resolve anything but does keep me from unleashing the harshness that can live within me unto her and causing the World War III to ensue. I am a very happy Mango at this point in my life, happier than I've been in years, I am loved and healthy...I just don't need all that insanity that surrounds that situation.

This proving to be an exciting year already and there is much to come...trips out of town and visits from loved ones, school and summer's acomin'.....how I love those summer nights!!! More updates and info to come.....

~ peace ~

Grocery Shopping Day...arghghghghg

It's an overcast and rather chilly morning here, it's very cloudy outside my window here at work which means that most likely there is weather coming in from the North. Apparently we have a cool front moving in with snow showers off and on for the next week, we so desperately need the moisture. It's always a little depressing to me when Colorado winter comes and goes and we've had minimal snow fall. Not only out of fears for summer drought but also that the landscape itself seems so sullen, everything is hibernating and there is no snow to blanket the Earth until Spring. Hopefully, these next few days will bring a little white to our remaining winter months.

I have yet to wipe the sleep from my eyes this morning and I am now waiting for my green tea to cool so I can get the morning started. The drive in was normal, I expect the drive home slower. I am hoping to get a work out in this evening before we go grocery shopping. Shopping is not exactly my favorite event, I find grocery stores a little obnoxious and I don't like being bombarded with sales tactics. But, it has to be done as there is almost nothing in the refrigerator or cupboards. So after a busy day, I plan to get to the Gym and round up the fellas for a trip to spend a boatload of money on groceries.

Max is on my list at the moment, he has managed to earn himself a full day of in-school detention for harassing another 7th grade girl and throwing her binder (with her house key) in a ditch. Apparently this young lady was practically begging him not to do it and was freaking out about loosing her house key. This was witnessed by a student aide and Max acted fairly heartlessly from what the aide said. Chance made the point that it's probably a little girl that he likes and he was probably just showing off and most likely was not intending to be hurtful. But if this little girl was in tears and making it very clear that her house key was in that binder and she needed it to get into her house later and he STILL did something so cold, I think that's out of line. So does his school apparently, thus the detention. The principal indicated that if Max repeats the behavior, there will be a suspension. What a brat, I could just shake the crap out of him for being so disrespectful and rude. I am pretty sure I did not raise him to treat ANYONE like that, especially a female. Max is generally a pretty wonderful young man, but he does have a streak in him I do not understand. He just doesn't think about his behavior or how it might effect others. I know, I know, he's 13 right? Well, that's a bit of an excuse if you ask me. There are 300 + 11, 12 and 13 year olds in Max's grade. Certainly they are not ALL in detention on a regular basis, so obviously we've got a certain percentage of children who CAN control themselves and keep their hands to themselves. Max isn't one of those children.

Of course, I'd be an idiot to think that Max isn't going to be that kid that challenges everything and tests the boundaries of any opportunity. His is genetically encoded to do so, it is engrained in him in some inherent way. And don't everyone go pointing their fingers at me all at once as let's not forget that his father didn't exactly follow the "rules" either and both sets of Max's grandparents did their fair share of rebelling. Rebellion breeds rebellion one could easily argue I suppose. Doesn't mean it's a whole lot of fun to deal with AND it doesn't mean I don't want more for him. I am concerned about him and not all that sure about what to do with him, though mostly I fantasize about planting him on some remote island where he can get through these next several years in a healthy and safe manner. I could come visit him on the days he's not stomping around in a moody mess or speaking hardly a word to me, and when he emerges he will be a well adjusted, educated, adoring son. Yeah right.

After re-reading that last paragraph it did just occur to me that perhaps it is possible to guide Max's rebellions and testing into something positive, if I could just figure out how? I would think it has ALOT to do with my approach, what that would be I am not entirely sure. We all want our kids to succeed and do well, it is a natural aspect of being a parent. But maybe I need to stop doing exactly as I've accused the school system of doing to him all these years...maybe I need to stop trying to fit his ever changing shape into a perfectly square slot. He's not going to be what I want him to be, he must be who HE is going to be and I'm not sure how that works. My mother certainly didn't encourage me to have any sort of sense of self at his age. No one did, no one really cared. Well, there were members of my family that cared but there was only so much they could do. I just want Max to be ok, I don't want him to go the same routes I did. They are hard and painful and frustrating, he has no idea of what he's in for if he continues down this path. His lack of interest and investment in his education is concerning, his lack of accountability for ANYTHING is so frustrating, the way he looks at me when I am trying to talk with him....he is a foreign creature to me at this point.

Couple this with the fact that our house feels overwhelming to me at this moment. There's so much that needs to be done. Organization in the basement, there are walls that need to be repainted and look like shit because of some damage done during the move, the floor in the kitchen needs scrubbing badly, the tile in the bathrooms need scrubbing, the laundry room is a disaster etc...etc.... There are only so many hours in a day and I am only one person, I only have so much energy. Plus, I am forcing the exercise issue for my own sanity and it works out well for me, but this means less gets done around the house and it just sort of piles up. I am met with alot of resistance when I bring up what needs to be done, alot of blank stares and heavy sighing. I am trying to manage an efficient household and I am finding that this means I pretty much have to do it on my own. That is pretty frustrating, but some thing I realize is common. A very long time ago I learned that if you have certain expectations about how things are supposed to be, you'd better be prepared to just do it yourself. Whatever "it" may be.

In spite of my frustrations this morning, I feel very positive and healthy. I suspect this is because I am making more of an effort to care for myself and my own needs. We all KNOW we need to take care of ourselves in order to care for others...but we don't always do it until we are left with no other choice. I have a very busy day at work ahead of me and I am ready to tackle a new development project, something different is always nice. I am also looking forward to a long weekend this coming weekend, you just can't beat a 3 day weekend! Wish it was more common than it is, 2 days hardly ever seems enough time off between work weeks. Maybe some day 3 day weekends will be the norm!

Happy Wednesday all, keep ya head up!

Unconditional Love: Loving Others, Loving Ourselves

The concept of unconditional love is one of great interest and curiosity for me and; I am quite sure, I am not the first mind to ponder the emotional logistics of the very idea of what it means to love unconditionally.

I think love, however miraculous, can be a very confusing experience. We experience throughout our lives, varying degrees of love. Emotional love, spiritual love, physical love, intellectual love, etc. Sometimes these many degrees of love vary in temperature, ranging from explosive and passionate to utter detriment and dysfunction. There are also so many different ways to experience love, which we all define differently.

But for however confusing it might be, we all hold great capacity for love. I believe it to be at the intrinsic core of humanity and this is based on how we love one another, within daily life, strangers and best friends alike. We are driven to love one another, to bond, to hold passion and affection and contentment for one another. We thrive when we are supported, loved and nurtured. Thriving promotes success and we are all driven to succeed, or in other words, survive.

As children, we learn first learn how to love from our families. We absorb how our parents love one another or their respective partners if that parental partnership has ceased. We unconsciously takes stock of how our parents, grandparents, siblings, friends and other various sources love one another and how they love us directly. We learn how to give love in return, what it means to hold emotional attachment to another individual. We learn what it means to feel a sense of compassion and connection with someone we love and often, we learn what it means to feel pain and/or disappointment from that source of love.

Many of us also learn a great sense of love for the Earth and all it's inhabitants when we are small and this love is just as sacred and real as the love that two people hold for one another. Unfortunately, I am not convinced that this is widely accepted in our culture, the idea of teaching children to love and respect the Earth in the same way that we teach them to love and respect us as their parents or primary caregivers. My hope is that with time, our children will be highly encouraged to explore their feelings and emotions about the Earth, perhaps this will motivate each generation to care for it more completely?

I believe that our senses, from the moment we are conceived, are flooded with numerous concepts of love and relationships. We are innodated with messages about attachments, relationships, giving and receiving affections, and so on. Some times these interactions are exceptionally complex from their inception and other times, we get just get along well with this person or that person and there is little, if any strife. Though, I've yet to find any one single relationship in my life that does not carry some measure of conflict. I'd say this is also due to the fact that with all of our capacity for love, we also have a great capacity for ego. Besides, conflict resolution is also an important life skill and I think we learn much about this from our relationships with others, at least when we are younger and haven't yet attended our first professional "Conflict Resolution" training:)

So into adulthood, we create bonds and relationships and continue to pursue our biological need for connection. As adults, our need for love transitions in all sorts of different fashions, of which I believe are mostly formed by our attachment and love experiences from our youth. At least initially, how else do we know how to have relationships other than what has already been demonstrated to us? Some of us are very capable of giving and being content within our adult relationships and many of must learn or retrain ourselves to love in a healthy manner for all involved.

I also think that as adults, we can begin to contemplate the idea of unconditional love. Meaning a love that has no specific outcome in mind, it simply is what it is. I think we all crave this and some of us search our whole lives, looking desperately for something we hold within our very selves. I think it is not until we are adults that we can begin exploring the notion that unconditional love is possible. When we are children and very young adults, we are naturally self-absorbed. It takes us all a while to figure out that the Universe, do not in fact, revolved directly around us. For some of us, it is a spiritual journey that begins the internal investigations about what love really means to us, for others it is a union of some sort, for me it was the birth of my son. Loving something else so completely that I would sacrifice anything and everything, knowing that love is what began teaching me and prompted my own internal journey on the subject.

As I've gotten older and my idea's about love, relationships and attachments have evolved, I find myself blooming and able to promote genuine authentic love. Not only for others, but for myself, for life. I'd like to think that I have made the conscious decisions to choose the love that fills me for all things as a path in my spiritual travels. Daily, I am taking time to reflect on this choice and it is beautifully exciting. One subject that does continually present itself to me regarding this topic is "boundaries." How can I love others unconditionally and selflessly without sacrificing my own sense of boundary? I do not believe that unconditional love is giving of yourself to someone, no matter their behavior. But I do believe unconditional love is free of judgment. It is a slippery slope. I struggle with the balance as I know that sometimes, in caring deeply for others, one MUST draw boundaries for the sake of sanity and personal mental health. Allowing others to bring negativity into ones life is not benign, that negativity does have a huge impact. However, I am very invested in the idea that the boundaries drawn are rational, appropriate and fair and not based on personal judgment of another's behaviors/choices OR simply reactionary behaviors. I think we should all be a little more invested in how we love one another, how we treat each other in our daily interactions.

I wonder often about Universal love and how the energies of the world affect our ability to love one another and the Earth. I wonder why my heart can ache in one moment and then filled with such great joy, all in the name of love. I struggle with my attachments for my loved ones as I believe very strongly that attachments can be selfish and needy, co-dependant behavior I wish desperately to avoid. This topic, how I love the world and each unique individual in it is a constant in my mind. I am blessed at this time in my life and I wish to immerse myself in every moment and be able to reflect when I am older about what I've learned.

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”
Thomas Merton

Monday Moods

Today is a little gloomy, though I generally feel pretty good. I think like everyone, I just have days where I have so much swirling about in my brain I'm not always so sure what to do with it. These are the days when I must ground my energy and reconsider why my heart may feel heavy or my mind filled with worry. Old patterns and cycles, however dysfunctional, have been faithful companions to me and it takes time for those thought processes to be retrained. In the interim, I am pretty good at confusing others in my life, but hopefully they all can continue to find patience and love within themselves.

We had a good weekend, got to show off the new house a little, had some friends over for dinner Saturday evening and Chance made us a delicious meal. It's always a joy to see this group of folks in our lives, like all of our friends they are very special and unique and I enjoy their company tremendously. It was nice to have some down time yesterday. Max and I watched the Superbowl together, not exactly my favorite event on the planet but Mj is 13 and needs someone to do that sort of thing with, I try. It was a pitiful game though, we were disappointed in our Seahawks as we were rooting for them naturally:) Das alright, they can make it up next time. It was their first trip the Big Game, so you can't blame them for being a little nervous. I felt bad for them, it's a good thing I don't play football...I would've been balling my eyes out after the second half.

This weeks plans:

a) Gym Time
Yep, it's time to get back in the habit and start getting my butt to the gym. I know me and once I really get into it, it's easier to make it part of my routine. It's just getting to that place. I am hoping to get in 1.5 - 2 hours in 3 days a week, plus what I do at home and my daily walks at lunch. A few people have pointed out to me how my weight is having an impact on my self-esteem, or how I view my weight I should say, thus how I view myself over all. It's funny because even when I've been thin, I beat the crap out of myself for being "fat." I was NOT fat then, I look at those pictures from my mid 20's and I look pretty hot. I miss those days and that jean size, but have to wrestle with myself about the idea that I may never be a size 8/9/10 again. I'll settle for a 10/11 though! I also have some idea's on why this obsession exists within me in the first place, I think if I spend some time on myself and working on my health the obsessive will become more sane and I will feel more grounded generally. We'll see, any who...I am sure Chance and Max will support me in the venture and if that means I am not around as much in the evenings, I'm not so sure that's a bad thing. A little space seems in order.

b) Post Photos Of The House To My Blogg
The good news is that I know where the digital camera is, but not the power source. As we learned this weekend, we really are still in the midst of unpacking. It seems it might never end. But it sure is a lot of fun and I am happy to finally feel like we have a "home." We went nutso at Bad, Bath & Beyond this weekend. Really, like crazy. But it's so worth it as it's just adding those final touches to certain area's that make all the difference.

c) Dr.s Appointments
Dentist, Eye, OBGYN (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)
I'm not a huge fan of any of these doctors, I'd rather just avoid it all together as I am not a shy individual but I despise being uncomfortable. Yes, I am a big baby. How I ever even had a baby in the first place is beyond me and the fact that I can tolerate a tattoo or piercing but flat out refused to get a tetanus shot during my last major owie (about 5 years ago) is completely irrational. Doc made me do it anyway by the way, he totally pulled a guilt trip and reminded me that dying from something awful like tetanus is not nessisity in this day and age. I still gave him every dirty look in the book when the nurse was sticking that thing in my arm and I also made sure he saw that I was crying and totally traumatized. He just laughed at me and gave me a hug...I laughed later at how pouty I'd behaved.

d) Keep Up On The House
I am determined to keep our house in order, laundry, dishes all that crap. It doesn't feel nearly as overwhelming as at the old place. The new place is just easier to keep clean, but still requires effort.

e) Library
I swap books with my friends and family generally, but I am looking forward to a lot more reading time so I'm going to get Max and I down to the library this week and get back in that habit to. We used to go a lot when he was younger, we both like it and it's something we can do together. Not sure how cool that is for a 13 year old, but we'll see.

f) School
Think about school and which class I'd like to take this coming semester, my work reimburses....gotta jump on that!

Doh, I need to get back to work...I have several issues in the queue that need attending and I just got what I needed from our lead developer to get started. Talk to you all soon, much love.

~ peace ~
S

Um....yeah.

It's Friday and this feels like THE most unproductive week in history. But I'm not feeling anxious about it, it is what it is.

The furniture situation is laughable. Let me first just say that the increasingly obvious way in which mega corporations seem to hold contempt for product quality and customer service is alarming and frankly, insulting. It's almost as if we shouldn't be surprised that we've received faulty or incomplete product and rude sales personnel for our dollar, our many dollars actually. I would go on a rant but I just don't have the energy and it's really not worth it, again...it is what it is.

We are, however, beginning to fill up the house with our booty (Pirates Lingo for Treasure, Aye Matey!) and each room is beginning to glow with the desired effect. The kitchen table is huge with the leaf, but without it, it's perfect for every day dining. It is a beautiful wood and I love the style, very masculine and weathered looking. The family room furniture is coming together nicely, I am pleased with our choices. We still have to wait until March/April/May for the remainder of our items as everything is on back order. Something we were not told until AFTER our purchases were rung up. That's convenient isn't? Doesn't really matter though as I'd rather wait for what I want then have my second or third choice right away. Really all that's left is new dishes, and we've managed to stock up the house nicely.

I realize this all sounds very materialistic, or perhaps it is I who feels a little greedy in spending money on such things. There is a certain guilt associated with buying things simply because I want them or because they will look "nice" in our house. Then again, there is also a certain satisfaction in it. I've worked hard and I've never had a space to come home to every day that felt sacred and this is what I wish to create. A sacred spot. But people are suffering and life is cruel and I've got so much and I don't always know if I deserve it or not. I become tortured when I think this sort of thing through to thoroughly. One of my favorite lyrics of all time:

"If we have so much why do some people have nothing still?"
Alanis Morissette - These Are The Thoughts Lyrics

Maybe this is why I've started volunteering again, out of guilt or maybe it's just because I miss the work and feeling like I am doing SOME THING instead of sitting idly while so much negative breeds around me. Someday I will be able to reconcile the concept of my own success with the knowledge that so many are struggling and not find guilt. Maybe. In the interim, I will do my best to enjoy the fruits of my labors and be comfortable with my choices.

Our whole household has fallen ill with some crappy cold making it's way through Max's school, that's the way it works. All those little germ monsters running around, infecting one another and they go home and infect their families and their families take it to work and infect everyone there and so and so forth. I am bracing myself because if this is anything like what Max has been dealing with this past week, it doesn't look like too much fun. Chance and I are totally exhausted and this week has seemed very busy, but I couldn't tell you why exactly. We are looking forward to a very quiet weekend, we have some plans with friends but we are looking forward to seeing them as it's been some months since we've all gotten together. Tonight we will wrap up a few things around the house and watch a movie and go to sleep. Max is still not feeling so well so I imagine he'll be fine with this plan.

So much on my mind really, just not the energy to type it up and put it into words which probably says something as I can talk about anything and everything all the time. I really just want to go home and go to sleep, my body is definitely trying to fight this cold and it's wearing me down in the process. So, I'll bid you all ado and until next time, peace and love and cuddly bugs!

PS: P (AKA Mean_Girl) I promise to get on the MeMe's when I can, that sort of thing requires quite a bit of thought and concentration, both of which have escaped me as of late. I DO however, promise to post some pics soon for the gallery and this should make everyone happy:) But I will try, I promise!!!!!!!!!

PPS: I invite everyone to try this http://intelligence-test.net/part1 - my boss sent it on Wednesday, this is the sort of material that gets passed around at my work and we all love it. We ARE nerds!

PPPS: This is sort of how I feel today.....

Note: No kitties were harmed in the making of this blogg.

Weekend Recap

Friday: Mary & Howard treated C & I to my favorite Sushi at Sushi SaSa's in LoDo. It is the freshest, most beautifully prepared and generally outstanding Sushi I've ever had. We've eaten there only twice, but each time I've left there wondering what it might be like to eat food like that every day? I always feel perfectly satisfied, comforted and not the least bit guilty when we eat there. SaSa's was a hit, Mary & Howard are amazing. Our conversation was outstanding and every moment I have with them feels like a gift as they are unlike anyone else in my life. They presented me with a gorgeous choker for my birthday, I know the store from which it was purchased and all the jewerly is handmade and unique. It is a celctic knotwork of some sort of metal, I'm not sure, but it's really stunning and I feel proud to wear it. I am a choker fan, as most in my life know but often they can look a little trampy sometimes so I avoid the uber cheap sort. This is not cheap, nor trampy looking and is quite elegant and I can't wait to wear it. I adore it. I am very pecular about jewerly so they took a bit of a risk on this one, but it is really lovely and I keep eyeballing it and wondering if I can get away with wearing it all the time:)

Max was in a mood before Sushi and I decided to send him with Colleen for a few hours while we were downtown. I am learning that some times it is best for us to take breaks from each other when he's moody or else the tension escelates. We went to pick up Max and Colleen and I decided to go bowling and have a little girls night out fun. Matt & Rhi met up with us and I also had the pleasure of talking to a "2 Martini's and no dinner Crystal", laugh. She was hillarious and promised that she would eat something after we got off the phone. I hope so Crys ~ Shakes Finger ~

It was a fun night over all but after Sushi, we should've just gone home and called it a night. I intended to do so but next thing I know we are at our house at 2 AM. I don't know how many more times I have to explain that I don't have the money, energy or interest in making those evenings last far past their prime. It's not any one persons fault, but needless to say, it's a conversation that's been had too many times and I'm done with it and I know also that Chance will draw boundaries if I cannot, he is pretty upset with me right now and I will not live with his anger on my concsious for a few hours of partying with my friends. I love him and I love what we have. I am happily looking forward to a quiet weekend with Max, Chance and myself and many many many more to come.

Saturday I was worthless and layed around all day with Max, snuggling and watching movies and sleeping on the futon. ouch. We did have Twinkie Dog for a puppy sleep over, that was fun. Twinkie is my friends Weeny Dog. She is not shy about kissing:) She slept tucked under my right knee most of the night and that was very sweet. She also managed to completely piss Gaia Cat off, Gaia Cat was in a constant state of POOF for the entire 24 hours and probably hates us now. Pumpkin Cat is used to dawgs, but still has a strong distaste for them, she swatted Twinkie at least twice, but Pumpkin has like 2 teeth and no claws (Mom had her declawed when she was born) so I don't think Twinkie was to upset.

Sunday we went crazy and cleaned the entire house, pretty spic and span and there is much more to do. I managed to make everyone mad by being in my "cleaning mode" which I am still paying for, but wish everyone wouldn't take it so personal. Max and Chance work hard and help alot, it's a united effort...but there are just some things that have to be done my way or I am not happy. Like the bathroom, bedrooms and kitchen. I like things to be neat and clean and when I'm in the mode, it's best to just stay out of my way and let me be in my little cleaning frenzy. Neurotic or not, it's the way I am. As Mary pointed out, I am a very aesthetic person (more on that later) and I like things a certain way. Sue me, cripes.

And then we went even more crazy and financed ourselves into some gorgeous furniture and a whole lot more debt! WOO HOO. I've managed to go from virtually NO debt to mega debt (mostly the house) in the past 3 months! Ahh, it's the American Dream right (said Sarah, dripping with sarcasm.) We may have to take some back, I'm not sure (I am waiting for Chance to start yelling at me) but it's sure going to look nice and we keep trying to reason that all people need decent furniture and we are all covered sans the items we bought and we really shouldn't have to get any more now for years to come. A bit of buyers remorse I think, but I really think it was the right thing to do. If we are focused on our home and making it our home, this shouldn't be a problem.

So the weekend was good, great Sushi and some fun shopping. I made the 1st payment on our mortgage today, it felt really good. The house is beginning to feel more and more like "us" every day. Max has a cold :( BOOOO! I hope he feels better and doesn't pass it around the house!

I Don't Feel A Day Over 29 :)

Today is the big day. I will spend the day in celebration of my birth into this physical body and the progressive growth of my spirit.

Today represents the turn of a decade. Certainly not something one does every day, and while I have that very real sense that I am but a wee little cherub bouncing my way through sublime design; I also very gratefully acknowledge The Universe in it's kindness for giving me the opportunity to live 30 years in this life, the last 10 being quite potent in their own unique manner. I also acknowledge myself for achieving year 30 with prosperity, vigor, beauty and landing myself here in such fine condition.

This is not say that I have not bumped into things along the way and fallen. Fallen down hard. Sort of like a shiny little toddler, diligently climbing the stairs and landing straight on my arse when missing that one critical step.

And a lot of falling on her arse, Sarah did do! Oh my.

My 20's have been powerful; brimming with activity, progress and development. Both internally and externally. The world seems a very different place to me than 10 years ago, I am not sure if this true or just my naive mind expanding enough to allow the many sources of reality in. I am quite sure that then too, wars were waging, people were starving to death and dying from rampant diseases, hatred and intolerance and the Super-Powers clashing over greed and resources. Obviously these examples are not new, but the world that exists today's seems in drastic contrast to 1996 at age 20 and even more so, 1986 when I was 10. But even with that all the negative connotations I've made here about how the world has changed, I would also say that I see the revolutions of Progress (this is one of my favorite words, I use it often and it fills my spirit with light) everywhere, with all this change moving forward our collective horizons will continue to brighten and broaden.

However, internally speaking, I can easily state that my 20's were by far the most Progressive for me personally thus far. Through extensive trial and error, I gained a clearer sense of my varying degrees of "self" throughout this time period.

• I tried to be a "good" Mother, some days I tried harder than others and some times less than I probably could've.
  
• My definitions of Motherhood changed.
  
• I learned, I graduated from College.
  
• I learned the world does not stop when you feel your life has fallen apart.
  
• I worked, I worked hard. Real hard.
  
• I had everything and almost lost it, several times.
  
• I spent hours upon hours pouring over any and all information I could get my hands on about the World Religions.
  
• I learned that no one religion would ever satisfy my spirit, but they ALL hold value and meaning.
  
• I accepted myself as a loveable and spiritual being.
  
• I accepted love from others, begrudgingly at first.
  
• I played, I loved, I loved to play.
  
• My heart broke for numerous reasons, numerous times.
  
• I danced and giggled with my buddies and partied alot.
  
• I learned that I can sing, with my voice and with my heart.
  
• I was single, involved, and had a myriad of relationships and interactions that cannot be labeled.
  
• I learned the true meaning of abstinence.
  
• I hurt people, they hurt me, there was a lot of hurting.
  
• My family and I struggled to repair the relationship that I all but shattered in my teens.
  
• I was sick, I saw sickness and more death than I care to remember.
  
• I healed, my heart, my body, mind, my spirit.
  
• I abused my heart, body, mind and spirit.
  
• I cried, I laughed, I raged, I panicked, I fear, I blossomed.
  
• I gave and I lost.
  
• I moved around few times, went through a few cars. Got a few speeding tickets.
  
• I realized how rewarding it was to push my physical limits.
  
• I traveled, I hiked, camped, did some boating and tubing and wake boarding.
  
• I enjoyed My Mountains and My Washington and even Wisconsin.
  
• I finally figured out that I am capable AND responsible.
  
• I acknowledged the child in me and loved her....and forgave her.
  
• I lived alot.
  

10 years cannot be summed up by a mere list of bullet points, but it seems a good start.

I have very little regret and many profound memories and experiences. Some positive, some very painful, some so completely rewarding that I doubt it's something one can recapture in words.

I remember moments when I thought my life was over, my heart wrenched so badly, I couldn't speak or move. If I could find a way to go back in time and console myself on those days and to let myself then know that my future self is very happy; completely loved and closer to a whole person than she was the day before...I wish I could, but then I wouldn't be me now.

I remember moments when I felt so completely alive and vibrant and lucid, I never wanted them to end. But they do end because none of us feel that way in every moment of every life. Took me a while to figure that one out and be ok with it.

With this reflection, I send a fond farewell to my 20 something self(s) - thanks for the glitter AND the glare.

What my 30's bring are a mystery, but I'm not nearly as fearful of that thought as I might've been once. Luckily, this IS one of those moments where I feel completely alive because I did make it and I am proud of myself. I can take stock and know that I did some thing, I lived and can breathe deeply and soundly in knowing that. I can then look wide eyed and with a warm heart toward the days to come.

Happy Birthday To Me.

Monday Marvels

I am tired but in good spirits, though the events from Friday evening are lingering and I am thrilled we could give Matty one last hooo-rah at Ecks I am also VERY ready for a break from the festivities as of late. Very.

We'll miss you Matty, be good...but not too good cuz that's no fun right? :)

We had baby Evan most of the weekend which is always a really enjoyable experience for me, he is so special and there is no question that he gets the Mommy side of my brain thinking very hard about whether I want another baby or not. BUT....it is only a fleeting thought of grandeur as while the urge is there the logic overrules it. Mostly. Besides, C and I did agree that children of our own are most likely NOT part of our future together so it's something we both agree on, even Evan does some how start manipulating that thought process for us. I've never seen a baby that smiles so much, he smiles when you pick him up...he smiles if he sees you walk into a room, his feet are pretty fascinating right now and he's almost sitting up on his own. Not quite though, he's doing that drunken fall to the right side thing that all babies do. The idea of being a part of his life is really exciting to me, I am eager to see what the future has to bring for him but also so totally content to just enjoy him in the moment. This is something I am trying very hard to remind his Momma and Poppa of. Like all parents, they can't wait until he walks and talks and does this or that, but I am trying to very gently convey the message that this time goes sooner than you ever even thought possible and babies are a unique and fantastic experience, no reason to rush it. And like all of us who would nod and smile and THINK we know that cliché is true about children being grown before you now it...but you don't really know until your son walks up to you one day and tells you he can bench press 150 lbs and he's the strongest kid in his school he thinks. Babies cannot bench press 150 lbs, babies sit in your lap and play peek a boo and that's a whole lot of fun. My son is having visions of trying to bench press me, he is not sitting in my lap drooling and giggling at me. Max is totally great though, even if he's isn't drooling and hanging on my like a monkey...but I do miss those days. sigh.

Update on Travel Plans for 2006:
We are likely looking at mid-late summer for our visit to WA. This is because Max (if grades are consistent) will probably be on vacation over Spring Break in Oregon with his Dad's parents. It is a good incentive for him to keep his grades up and I think it's a great opportunity to travel, he's an adventurous little booger so we need to feed that need for adventure in positive ways. It was a hard choice for me as I would MUCH prefer to spend Spring Break in Washington State with my fabulous family and visit Crys & Dane in Seattle...but sometimes what I want and what he needs don't mesh so evenly. Plus this way we can come in the summer (we are thinking late July/early August) and maybe get to spend an extra few days. It is very exciting to think of and I will keep everyone updated on plans as we proceed. Please don't hesitate to let me know if there is anything that needs considering for our visit this time of year, if it doesn't work...please let me know.

In other news my dreams have been horrendous lately and I am quite sure that Chance's suggestion about grounding energy is a wise idea. I also think we need to cleanse the house, we've been putting it off as we wanted to wait until we were all settled and had a good balance in the house but that is taking longer than expected. So it's time, because my dreams and the house seem related in some manner. Most likely it's all the change forcing my mind into overdrive, I also think that every horror film I've ever seen is somehow trying to replay itself now...because a) we have stairs and the WORST horror movie I've ever seen has the creepiest stair scene (i.e.The Grudge) and b) we have a basement now and basements are just a little creepy no matter what, the movies with awful basement scenes are endless. Seems all these years of loving to watch films that freak me out are catching up with me. That's real nice, thank you Stephen King.

Max is doing great, he's got a very demanding (but stunning!) girlfriend named Kayla. Let me for the record, just state that the 7th Graders of 2005/2006 in no way resemble the 7th Graders of 1988/89. I always thought I'd be that "cool" mom that wouldn't get all worked up at how her kids generation is dressing...and really I am not, what's more astonishing is how ADULT in nature they look and dress. Kayla's features are very much that of a young woman, not a 13 year old. Most of the girls in Max's class look like they are closer to 18 or 19 then 12 and 13. Not to mention that the women of this generation are openly independent thinkers and very clear about what they want and that they will get what they want, whatever that may be. It is exciting to see these young ladies kicking ass and going after what they want, but these poor boys have their hands full. Plus, I think it's a LITTLE unbalanced...our culture is so slow to learn the balance and the roles of men and women are still so completely subject to interpretation/belief systems and cultural status that these kids have no clue how to find the balance because we've yet to demonstrate it accurately. Anyway, Max is doing good and seems very happy about the house. And oh yes, in case you missed it...he can bench press 150 lbs. And he really likes Baby Evan and Baby Evan adores Max, which is very sweet for Max's Momma to see her special mid-sized kiddo doing so well with a very small little person. Max is so gentle with Evan, it's really astonishing. He just gets this baby thing and it really makes me wonder what goes on his head about babies, he genuinely seems to enjoy them. I don't remember liking babies at all when I was 13. I'm not sure if I should be thrilled or very nervous about becoming a Grandmother WAY too young.

Ok, I should get to work and finish up this day so I can go home!

Hope all is well, much love
peace

Wednesday's Word Of The Day

"castrophany"
(See today's Ballad Of Baby Fish update!)

Let's see...random middle of the week thoughts....

- The house is a mess and needs more work than I have energy for, but everyone keeps telling me that "it will be there tomorrow" and this is what I keep trying to calm C with when he starts getting worked up about the house. I just want our home to be gorgeous and neat and perfect, no one but C and I can make that happen so we need to stop being lazy and get on it danget!

- It REALLY irritates me when Max flat out ignores me when I ask him to do something. It makes me want to wring his little neck, I want to believe this is normal teenage boy behavior, but it just seems like such blatant disrespect and what can I do about it? I can't force him to do anything, but I can make his life miserable if needed I guess. Which I just don't want to do and really, things like removing privileges don't have a whole lot of effect on him...he just goes up to his room and goes to sleep. Note to those of you with out kids: When you discipline your child, it often feels a punishment to you. No fun, but necessary. I am, however, researching a method in which I can lock him the closet and keep him safe and focused for the next 5 years or so and he will emerge into a beautiful butterfly of a man from his cocoon. I think this might be illegal, I'm not sure...but I am trying to find a way to produce such a method and than market it to the other parents I know, cuz I KNOW I am not the only one who wants to pull my hair out over their kid.

- I am feeling anxious about the weekend because we have far to much to do, very little money and numerous social obligations all of which are important. I am just generally overwhelmed by all of it and wish to hide out in my house and set up knick-knacks and play with my new cd's.

- Speaking of cd's, on a cd buying binge. Amazon.com has some fab deals and often has access to the more obscure music that is hard to find.

- I really need to write my family, I haven't written or spoken to RoseBud (my half-sis) in months and my sweet cousin Kenari has written some fantastic letters that I keep thinking on but need the time to reply. I think in addition to the Kid-Kakkoon mentioned above, I should look into additional limbs and possibly another head to manage my current existence without feeling guilty.

- Chance has been such a dear as of late, he is such an amazing person and each day I find renewed love for him in my heart.

- I have been having absolutely awful dreams the kind I don't even want to describe...last night was good though, probably cuz I talked about my freaky dreams and had a good talking to with my subconscious about said dreams.

I should run to work...in spite of how this may sound I am not complaining...life is amazing and good and healthy and I love it. But I am not making apologies either, needed to rant for a moment so I did. And now I feel better:)

Ta ta all, peace.

Ladies, Say Goodbye To Your Reproductive Rights!

Looks like Alito will be confirmed, I can hardly contain my joy.

GWB sure did a good job finding another feller to get up there and follow up where his last nominee fell off, ah well, that shouldn't be entirely surprising right? Boo!!!! Alito is notorious for picking apart abortion laws to an absurd degree in an effort to avoid ruling on them, then ruling in favor of contraception and then very openly demonizing gay marriage. Where's the logic here? This scares me due to the shear fact that this man is no longer simply deemed honorable of RULING based on a Supreme Court Law, he now has the ability create and pass them...and of course, amend current laws. Like Roe V. Wade.

Even more than this, his obvious partialness to conservative, right-wing "traditional values" is completely terrifying to me. Is a judge not supposed to be an impartial voice? How can a decision be made with such clear leanings toward the right? I guess that doesn't matter since the entire United States Government is leaning to the right so far it's practically tumbling over with "traditional values", the spin is incredible. I believe this will change with time, but it is what it is for at least another 2 years.

I could easily rant about how it is so completely ridiculous that a MAN is even in the position to make decisions about what I do with or to my body or who I do it with; that these wealthy, upper crust white-bread men have no idea what it means to be a young pregnant teenager, a rape victim, an incest survivor. I could easily argue that it shouldn't matter if Woman A is a carrying an unwanted pregnancy due to some awful circumstance and decides to have an abortion and Woman B is a married housewife with 3 children and decides to have her second abortion, it doesn't matter. What matter's is that Woman A AND B is indeed capable of her own thought and making choices about her life. I am feeling a rant heavily brewing and I choose to slow it down for the mere fact that I am trying to make a point.

That point is that Reproductive Rights isn't just about abortion. The ability to make choices about our reproductive health impacts our entire lives as women. Future plans, education, partnerships, goals, expectations, our physical bodies, our emotional bodies, our spiritual bodies. Women's roles as mother is a far more complex one then many seem to think and I believe that most of us inherently know this in some manner or another. Just because I can have a child does not mean I should. Controlling my Reproductive Rights is like controlling me.

If men like Alito continue to come into power, the kind of power that gives them open permission to make decisions and pass laws, I think it is a huge threat to something I hold so very dear to my heart. And that is that I am a women in 2006 in The United States Of America. It is by shear luck that I was born here, I am grateful to have all my natural-born body parts in tact, that I have the opportunity to become educated and have openly free thought. It is a blessing that I live in a place where I am not required to be married and can be a Single Mother and I am supported in this venture. I can practice whatever idea's or thought processes I may have about spirituality, the idea that women should be honored and treated with respect is a very real one in our culture and is growing in strength every day by women and men alike. I want very desperately for our daughters and sisters and mothers and grandmothers and aunties to continue to have the opportunities of progress. Because we all deserve it as human beings, in every country, everywhere. I can hardly support a man who wholeheartedly works to defeat this progress. I just can't.