Friday: Mary & Howard treated C & I to my favorite Sushi at Sushi SaSa's in LoDo. It is the freshest, most beautifully prepared and generally outstanding Sushi I've ever had. We've eaten there only twice, but each time I've left there wondering what it might be like to eat food like that every day? I always feel perfectly satisfied, comforted and not the least bit guilty when we eat there. SaSa's was a hit, Mary & Howard are amazing. Our conversation was outstanding and every moment I have with them feels like a gift as they are unlike anyone else in my life. They presented me with a gorgeous choker for my birthday, I know the store from which it was purchased and all the jewerly is handmade and unique. It is a celctic knotwork of some sort of metal, I'm not sure, but it's really stunning and I feel proud to wear it. I am a choker fan, as most in my life know but often they can look a little trampy sometimes so I avoid the uber cheap sort. This is not cheap, nor trampy looking and is quite elegant and I can't wait to wear it. I adore it. I am very pecular about jewerly so they took a bit of a risk on this one, but it is really lovely and I keep eyeballing it and wondering if I can get away with wearing it all the time:)
Max was in a mood before Sushi and I decided to send him with Colleen for a few hours while we were downtown. I am learning that some times it is best for us to take breaks from each other when he's moody or else the tension escelates. We went to pick up Max and Colleen and I decided to go bowling and have a little girls night out fun. Matt & Rhi met up with us and I also had the pleasure of talking to a "2 Martini's and no dinner Crystal", laugh. She was hillarious and promised that she would eat something after we got off the phone. I hope so Crys ~ Shakes Finger ~
It was a fun night over all but after Sushi, we should've just gone home and called it a night. I intended to do so but next thing I know we are at our house at 2 AM. I don't know how many more times I have to explain that I don't have the money, energy or interest in making those evenings last far past their prime. It's not any one persons fault, but needless to say, it's a conversation that's been had too many times and I'm done with it and I know also that Chance will draw boundaries if I cannot, he is pretty upset with me right now and I will not live with his anger on my concsious for a few hours of partying with my friends. I love him and I love what we have. I am happily looking forward to a quiet weekend with Max, Chance and myself and many many many more to come.
Saturday I was worthless and layed around all day with Max, snuggling and watching movies and sleeping on the futon. ouch. We did have Twinkie Dog for a puppy sleep over, that was fun. Twinkie is my friends Weeny Dog. She is not shy about kissing:) She slept tucked under my right knee most of the night and that was very sweet. She also managed to completely piss Gaia Cat off, Gaia Cat was in a constant state of POOF for the entire 24 hours and probably hates us now. Pumpkin Cat is used to dawgs, but still has a strong distaste for them, she swatted Twinkie at least twice, but Pumpkin has like 2 teeth and no claws (Mom had her declawed when she was born) so I don't think Twinkie was to upset.
Sunday we went crazy and cleaned the entire house, pretty spic and span and there is much more to do. I managed to make everyone mad by being in my "cleaning mode" which I am still paying for, but wish everyone wouldn't take it so personal. Max and Chance work hard and help alot, it's a united effort...but there are just some things that have to be done my way or I am not happy. Like the bathroom, bedrooms and kitchen. I like things to be neat and clean and when I'm in the mode, it's best to just stay out of my way and let me be in my little cleaning frenzy. Neurotic or not, it's the way I am. As Mary pointed out, I am a very aesthetic person (more on that later) and I like things a certain way. Sue me, cripes.
And then we went even more crazy and financed ourselves into some gorgeous furniture and a whole lot more debt! WOO HOO. I've managed to go from virtually NO debt to mega debt (mostly the house) in the past 3 months! Ahh, it's the American Dream right (said Sarah, dripping with sarcasm.) We may have to take some back, I'm not sure (I am waiting for Chance to start yelling at me) but it's sure going to look nice and we keep trying to reason that all people need decent furniture and we are all covered sans the items we bought and we really shouldn't have to get any more now for years to come. A bit of buyers remorse I think, but I really think it was the right thing to do. If we are focused on our home and making it our home, this shouldn't be a problem.
So the weekend was good, great Sushi and some fun shopping. I made the 1st payment on our mortgage today, it felt really good. The house is beginning to feel more and more like "us" every day. Max has a cold :( BOOOO! I hope he feels better and doesn't pass it around the house!
Monday, January 30, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
I Don't Feel A Day Over 29 :)
Today is the big day. I will spend the day in celebration of my birth into this physical body and the progressive growth of my spirit.
Today represents the turn of a decade. Certainly not something one does every day, and while I have that very real sense that I am but a wee little cherub bouncing my way through sublime design; I also very gratefully acknowledge The Universe in it's kindness for giving me the opportunity to live 30 years in this life, the last 10 being quite potent in their own unique manner. I also acknowledge myself for achieving year 30 with prosperity, vigor, beauty and landing myself here in such fine condition.
This is not say that I have not bumped into things along the way and fallen. Fallen down hard. Sort of like a shiny little toddler, diligently climbing the stairs and landing straight on my arse when missing that one critical step.
And a lot of falling on her arse, Sarah did do! Oh my.
My 20's have been powerful; brimming with activity, progress and development. Both internally and externally. The world seems a very different place to me than 10 years ago, I am not sure if this true or just my naive mind expanding enough to allow the many sources of reality in. I am quite sure that then too, wars were waging, people were starving to death and dying from rampant diseases, hatred and intolerance and the Super-Powers clashing over greed and resources. Obviously these examples are not new, but the world that exists today's seems in drastic contrast to 1996 at age 20 and even more so, 1986 when I was 10. But even with that all the negative connotations I've made here about how the world has changed, I would also say that I see the revolutions of Progress (this is one of my favorite words, I use it often and it fills my spirit with light) everywhere, with all this change moving forward our collective horizons will continue to brighten and broaden.
However, internally speaking, I can easily state that my 20's were by far the most Progressive for me personally thus far. Through extensive trial and error, I gained a clearer sense of my varying degrees of "self" throughout this time period.
10 years cannot be summed up by a mere list of bullet points, but it seems a good start.
I have very little regret and many profound memories and experiences. Some positive, some very painful, some so completely rewarding that I doubt it's something one can recapture in words.
I remember moments when I thought my life was over, my heart wrenched so badly, I couldn't speak or move. If I could find a way to go back in time and console myself on those days and to let myself then know that my future self is very happy; completely loved and closer to a whole person than she was the day before...I wish I could, but then I wouldn't be me now.
I remember moments when I felt so completely alive and vibrant and lucid, I never wanted them to end. But they do end because none of us feel that way in every moment of every life. Took me a while to figure that one out and be ok with it.
With this reflection, I send a fond farewell to my 20 something self(s) - thanks for the glitter AND the glare.
What my 30's bring are a mystery, but I'm not nearly as fearful of that thought as I might've been once. Luckily, this IS one of those moments where I feel completely alive because I did make it and I am proud of myself. I can take stock and know that I did some thing, I lived and can breathe deeply and soundly in knowing that. I can then look wide eyed and with a warm heart toward the days to come.
Happy Birthday To Me.
Today represents the turn of a decade. Certainly not something one does every day, and while I have that very real sense that I am but a wee little cherub bouncing my way through sublime design; I also very gratefully acknowledge The Universe in it's kindness for giving me the opportunity to live 30 years in this life, the last 10 being quite potent in their own unique manner. I also acknowledge myself for achieving year 30 with prosperity, vigor, beauty and landing myself here in such fine condition.
This is not say that I have not bumped into things along the way and fallen. Fallen down hard. Sort of like a shiny little toddler, diligently climbing the stairs and landing straight on my arse when missing that one critical step.
And a lot of falling on her arse, Sarah did do! Oh my.
My 20's have been powerful; brimming with activity, progress and development. Both internally and externally. The world seems a very different place to me than 10 years ago, I am not sure if this true or just my naive mind expanding enough to allow the many sources of reality in. I am quite sure that then too, wars were waging, people were starving to death and dying from rampant diseases, hatred and intolerance and the Super-Powers clashing over greed and resources. Obviously these examples are not new, but the world that exists today's seems in drastic contrast to 1996 at age 20 and even more so, 1986 when I was 10. But even with that all the negative connotations I've made here about how the world has changed, I would also say that I see the revolutions of Progress (this is one of my favorite words, I use it often and it fills my spirit with light) everywhere, with all this change moving forward our collective horizons will continue to brighten and broaden.
However, internally speaking, I can easily state that my 20's were by far the most Progressive for me personally thus far. Through extensive trial and error, I gained a clearer sense of my varying degrees of "self" throughout this time period.
- I tried to be a "good" Mother, some days I tried harder than others and some times less than I probably could've.
- My definitions of Motherhood changed.
- I learned, I graduated from College.
- I learned the world does not stop when you feel your life has fallen apart.
- I worked, I worked hard. Real hard.
- I had everything and almost lost it, several times.
- I spent hours upon hours pouring over any and all information I could get my hands on about the World Religions.
- I learned that no one religion would ever satisfy my spirit, but they ALL hold value and meaning.
- I accepted myself as a loveable and spiritual being.
- I accepted love from others, begrudgingly at first.
- I played, I loved, I loved to play.
- My heart broke for numerous reasons, numerous times.
- I danced and giggled with my buddies and partied alot.
- I learned that I can sing, with my voice and with my heart.
- I was single, involved, and had a myriad of relationships and interactions that cannot be labeled.
- I learned the true meaning of abstinence.
- I hurt people, they hurt me, there was a lot of hurting.
- My family and I struggled to repair the relationship that I all but shattered in my teens.
- I was sick, I saw sickness and more death than I care to remember.
- I healed, my heart, my body, mind, my spirit.
- I abused my heart, body, mind and spirit.
- I cried, I laughed, I raged, I panicked, I fear, I blossomed.
- I gave and I lost.
- I moved around few times, went through a few cars. Got a few speeding tickets.
- I realized how rewarding it was to push my physical limits.
- I traveled, I hiked, camped, did some boating and tubing and wake boarding.
- I enjoyed My Mountains and My Washington and even Wisconsin.
- I finally figured out that I am capable AND responsible.
- I acknowledged the child in me and loved her....and forgave her.
- I lived alot.
10 years cannot be summed up by a mere list of bullet points, but it seems a good start.
I have very little regret and many profound memories and experiences. Some positive, some very painful, some so completely rewarding that I doubt it's something one can recapture in words.
I remember moments when I thought my life was over, my heart wrenched so badly, I couldn't speak or move. If I could find a way to go back in time and console myself on those days and to let myself then know that my future self is very happy; completely loved and closer to a whole person than she was the day before...I wish I could, but then I wouldn't be me now.
I remember moments when I felt so completely alive and vibrant and lucid, I never wanted them to end. But they do end because none of us feel that way in every moment of every life. Took me a while to figure that one out and be ok with it.
With this reflection, I send a fond farewell to my 20 something self(s) - thanks for the glitter AND the glare.
What my 30's bring are a mystery, but I'm not nearly as fearful of that thought as I might've been once. Luckily, this IS one of those moments where I feel completely alive because I did make it and I am proud of myself. I can take stock and know that I did some thing, I lived and can breathe deeply and soundly in knowing that. I can then look wide eyed and with a warm heart toward the days to come.
Happy Birthday To Me.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Monday Marvels
I am tired but in good spirits, though the events from Friday evening are lingering and I am thrilled we could give Matty one last hooo-rah at Ecks I am also VERY ready for a break from the festivities as of late. Very.
We'll miss you Matty, be good...but not too good cuz that's no fun right? :)
We had baby Evan most of the weekend which is always a really enjoyable experience for me, he is so special and there is no question that he gets the Mommy side of my brain thinking very hard about whether I want another baby or not. BUT....it is only a fleeting thought of grandeur as while the urge is there the logic overrules it. Mostly. Besides, C and I did agree that children of our own are most likely NOT part of our future together so it's something we both agree on, even Evan does some how start manipulating that thought process for us. I've never seen a baby that smiles so much, he smiles when you pick him up...he smiles if he sees you walk into a room, his feet are pretty fascinating right now and he's almost sitting up on his own. Not quite though, he's doing that drunken fall to the right side thing that all babies do. The idea of being a part of his life is really exciting to me, I am eager to see what the future has to bring for him but also so totally content to just enjoy him in the moment. This is something I am trying very hard to remind his Momma and Poppa of. Like all parents, they can't wait until he walks and talks and does this or that, but I am trying to very gently convey the message that this time goes sooner than you ever even thought possible and babies are a unique and fantastic experience, no reason to rush it. And like all of us who would nod and smile and THINK we know that cliché is true about children being grown before you now it...but you don't really know until your son walks up to you one day and tells you he can bench press 150 lbs and he's the strongest kid in his school he thinks. Babies cannot bench press 150 lbs, babies sit in your lap and play peek a boo and that's a whole lot of fun. My son is having visions of trying to bench press me, he is not sitting in my lap drooling and giggling at me. Max is totally great though, even if he's isn't drooling and hanging on my like a monkey...but I do miss those days. sigh.
Update on Travel Plans for 2006:
We are likely looking at mid-late summer for our visit to WA. This is because Max (if grades are consistent) will probably be on vacation over Spring Break in Oregon with his Dad's parents. It is a good incentive for him to keep his grades up and I think it's a great opportunity to travel, he's an adventurous little booger so we need to feed that need for adventure in positive ways. It was a hard choice for me as I would MUCH prefer to spend Spring Break in Washington State with my fabulous family and visit Crys & Dane in Seattle...but sometimes what I want and what he needs don't mesh so evenly. Plus this way we can come in the summer (we are thinking late July/early August) and maybe get to spend an extra few days. It is very exciting to think of and I will keep everyone updated on plans as we proceed. Please don't hesitate to let me know if there is anything that needs considering for our visit this time of year, if it doesn't work...please let me know.
In other news my dreams have been horrendous lately and I am quite sure that Chance's suggestion about grounding energy is a wise idea. I also think we need to cleanse the house, we've been putting it off as we wanted to wait until we were all settled and had a good balance in the house but that is taking longer than expected. So it's time, because my dreams and the house seem related in some manner. Most likely it's all the change forcing my mind into overdrive, I also think that every horror film I've ever seen is somehow trying to replay itself now...because a) we have stairs and the WORST horror movie I've ever seen has the creepiest stair scene (i.e.The Grudge) and b) we have a basement now and basements are just a little creepy no matter what, the movies with awful basement scenes are endless. Seems all these years of loving to watch films that freak me out are catching up with me. That's real nice, thank you Stephen King.
Max is doing great, he's got a very demanding (but stunning!) girlfriend named Kayla. Let me for the record, just state that the 7th Graders of 2005/2006 in no way resemble the 7th Graders of 1988/89. I always thought I'd be that "cool" mom that wouldn't get all worked up at how her kids generation is dressing...and really I am not, what's more astonishing is how ADULT in nature they look and dress. Kayla's features are very much that of a young woman, not a 13 year old. Most of the girls in Max's class look like they are closer to 18 or 19 then 12 and 13. Not to mention that the women of this generation are openly independent thinkers and very clear about what they want and that they will get what they want, whatever that may be. It is exciting to see these young ladies kicking ass and going after what they want, but these poor boys have their hands full. Plus, I think it's a LITTLE unbalanced...our culture is so slow to learn the balance and the roles of men and women are still so completely subject to interpretation/belief systems and cultural status that these kids have no clue how to find the balance because we've yet to demonstrate it accurately. Anyway, Max is doing good and seems very happy about the house. And oh yes, in case you missed it...he can bench press 150 lbs. And he really likes Baby Evan and Baby Evan adores Max, which is very sweet for Max's Momma to see her special mid-sized kiddo doing so well with a very small little person. Max is so gentle with Evan, it's really astonishing. He just gets this baby thing and it really makes me wonder what goes on his head about babies, he genuinely seems to enjoy them. I don't remember liking babies at all when I was 13. I'm not sure if I should be thrilled or very nervous about becoming a Grandmother WAY too young.
Ok, I should get to work and finish up this day so I can go home!
Hope all is well, much love
peace
We'll miss you Matty, be good...but not too good cuz that's no fun right? :)
We had baby Evan most of the weekend which is always a really enjoyable experience for me, he is so special and there is no question that he gets the Mommy side of my brain thinking very hard about whether I want another baby or not. BUT....it is only a fleeting thought of grandeur as while the urge is there the logic overrules it. Mostly. Besides, C and I did agree that children of our own are most likely NOT part of our future together so it's something we both agree on, even Evan does some how start manipulating that thought process for us. I've never seen a baby that smiles so much, he smiles when you pick him up...he smiles if he sees you walk into a room, his feet are pretty fascinating right now and he's almost sitting up on his own. Not quite though, he's doing that drunken fall to the right side thing that all babies do. The idea of being a part of his life is really exciting to me, I am eager to see what the future has to bring for him but also so totally content to just enjoy him in the moment. This is something I am trying very hard to remind his Momma and Poppa of. Like all parents, they can't wait until he walks and talks and does this or that, but I am trying to very gently convey the message that this time goes sooner than you ever even thought possible and babies are a unique and fantastic experience, no reason to rush it. And like all of us who would nod and smile and THINK we know that cliché is true about children being grown before you now it...but you don't really know until your son walks up to you one day and tells you he can bench press 150 lbs and he's the strongest kid in his school he thinks. Babies cannot bench press 150 lbs, babies sit in your lap and play peek a boo and that's a whole lot of fun. My son is having visions of trying to bench press me, he is not sitting in my lap drooling and giggling at me. Max is totally great though, even if he's isn't drooling and hanging on my like a monkey...but I do miss those days. sigh.
Update on Travel Plans for 2006:
We are likely looking at mid-late summer for our visit to WA. This is because Max (if grades are consistent) will probably be on vacation over Spring Break in Oregon with his Dad's parents. It is a good incentive for him to keep his grades up and I think it's a great opportunity to travel, he's an adventurous little booger so we need to feed that need for adventure in positive ways. It was a hard choice for me as I would MUCH prefer to spend Spring Break in Washington State with my fabulous family and visit Crys & Dane in Seattle...but sometimes what I want and what he needs don't mesh so evenly. Plus this way we can come in the summer (we are thinking late July/early August) and maybe get to spend an extra few days. It is very exciting to think of and I will keep everyone updated on plans as we proceed. Please don't hesitate to let me know if there is anything that needs considering for our visit this time of year, if it doesn't work...please let me know.
In other news my dreams have been horrendous lately and I am quite sure that Chance's suggestion about grounding energy is a wise idea. I also think we need to cleanse the house, we've been putting it off as we wanted to wait until we were all settled and had a good balance in the house but that is taking longer than expected. So it's time, because my dreams and the house seem related in some manner. Most likely it's all the change forcing my mind into overdrive, I also think that every horror film I've ever seen is somehow trying to replay itself now...because a) we have stairs and the WORST horror movie I've ever seen has the creepiest stair scene (i.e.The Grudge) and b) we have a basement now and basements are just a little creepy no matter what, the movies with awful basement scenes are endless. Seems all these years of loving to watch films that freak me out are catching up with me. That's real nice, thank you Stephen King.
Max is doing great, he's got a very demanding (but stunning!) girlfriend named Kayla. Let me for the record, just state that the 7th Graders of 2005/2006 in no way resemble the 7th Graders of 1988/89. I always thought I'd be that "cool" mom that wouldn't get all worked up at how her kids generation is dressing...and really I am not, what's more astonishing is how ADULT in nature they look and dress. Kayla's features are very much that of a young woman, not a 13 year old. Most of the girls in Max's class look like they are closer to 18 or 19 then 12 and 13. Not to mention that the women of this generation are openly independent thinkers and very clear about what they want and that they will get what they want, whatever that may be. It is exciting to see these young ladies kicking ass and going after what they want, but these poor boys have their hands full. Plus, I think it's a LITTLE unbalanced...our culture is so slow to learn the balance and the roles of men and women are still so completely subject to interpretation/belief systems and cultural status that these kids have no clue how to find the balance because we've yet to demonstrate it accurately. Anyway, Max is doing good and seems very happy about the house. And oh yes, in case you missed it...he can bench press 150 lbs. And he really likes Baby Evan and Baby Evan adores Max, which is very sweet for Max's Momma to see her special mid-sized kiddo doing so well with a very small little person. Max is so gentle with Evan, it's really astonishing. He just gets this baby thing and it really makes me wonder what goes on his head about babies, he genuinely seems to enjoy them. I don't remember liking babies at all when I was 13. I'm not sure if I should be thrilled or very nervous about becoming a Grandmother WAY too young.
Ok, I should get to work and finish up this day so I can go home!
Hope all is well, much love
peace
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Wednesday's Word Of The Day
"castrophany"
(See today's Ballad Of Baby Fish update!)
Let's see...random middle of the week thoughts....
- The house is a mess and needs more work than I have energy for, but everyone keeps telling me that "it will be there tomorrow" and this is what I keep trying to calm C with when he starts getting worked up about the house. I just want our home to be gorgeous and neat and perfect, no one but C and I can make that happen so we need to stop being lazy and get on it danget!
- It REALLY irritates me when Max flat out ignores me when I ask him to do something. It makes me want to wring his little neck, I want to believe this is normal teenage boy behavior, but it just seems like such blatant disrespect and what can I do about it? I can't force him to do anything, but I can make his life miserable if needed I guess. Which I just don't want to do and really, things like removing privileges don't have a whole lot of effect on him...he just goes up to his room and goes to sleep. Note to those of you with out kids: When you discipline your child, it often feels a punishment to you. No fun, but necessary. I am, however, researching a method in which I can lock him the closet and keep him safe and focused for the next 5 years or so and he will emerge into a beautiful butterfly of a man from his cocoon. I think this might be illegal, I'm not sure...but I am trying to find a way to produce such a method and than market it to the other parents I know, cuz I KNOW I am not the only one who wants to pull my hair out over their kid.
- I am feeling anxious about the weekend because we have far to much to do, very little money and numerous social obligations all of which are important. I am just generally overwhelmed by all of it and wish to hide out in my house and set up knick-knacks and play with my new cd's.
- Speaking of cd's, on a cd buying binge. Amazon.com has some fab deals and often has access to the more obscure music that is hard to find.
- I really need to write my family, I haven't written or spoken to RoseBud (my half-sis) in months and my sweet cousin Kenari has written some fantastic letters that I keep thinking on but need the time to reply. I think in addition to the Kid-Kakkoon mentioned above, I should look into additional limbs and possibly another head to manage my current existence without feeling guilty.
- Chance has been such a dear as of late, he is such an amazing person and each day I find renewed love for him in my heart.
- I have been having absolutely awful dreams the kind I don't even want to describe...last night was good though, probably cuz I talked about my freaky dreams and had a good talking to with my subconscious about said dreams.
I should run to work...in spite of how this may sound I am not complaining...life is amazing and good and healthy and I love it. But I am not making apologies either, needed to rant for a moment so I did. And now I feel better:)
Ta ta all, peace.
(See today's Ballad Of Baby Fish update!)
Let's see...random middle of the week thoughts....
- The house is a mess and needs more work than I have energy for, but everyone keeps telling me that "it will be there tomorrow" and this is what I keep trying to calm C with when he starts getting worked up about the house. I just want our home to be gorgeous and neat and perfect, no one but C and I can make that happen so we need to stop being lazy and get on it danget!
- It REALLY irritates me when Max flat out ignores me when I ask him to do something. It makes me want to wring his little neck, I want to believe this is normal teenage boy behavior, but it just seems like such blatant disrespect and what can I do about it? I can't force him to do anything, but I can make his life miserable if needed I guess. Which I just don't want to do and really, things like removing privileges don't have a whole lot of effect on him...he just goes up to his room and goes to sleep. Note to those of you with out kids: When you discipline your child, it often feels a punishment to you. No fun, but necessary. I am, however, researching a method in which I can lock him the closet and keep him safe and focused for the next 5 years or so and he will emerge into a beautiful butterfly of a man from his cocoon. I think this might be illegal, I'm not sure...but I am trying to find a way to produce such a method and than market it to the other parents I know, cuz I KNOW I am not the only one who wants to pull my hair out over their kid.
- I am feeling anxious about the weekend because we have far to much to do, very little money and numerous social obligations all of which are important. I am just generally overwhelmed by all of it and wish to hide out in my house and set up knick-knacks and play with my new cd's.
- Speaking of cd's, on a cd buying binge. Amazon.com has some fab deals and often has access to the more obscure music that is hard to find.
- I really need to write my family, I haven't written or spoken to RoseBud (my half-sis) in months and my sweet cousin Kenari has written some fantastic letters that I keep thinking on but need the time to reply. I think in addition to the Kid-Kakkoon mentioned above, I should look into additional limbs and possibly another head to manage my current existence without feeling guilty.
- Chance has been such a dear as of late, he is such an amazing person and each day I find renewed love for him in my heart.
- I have been having absolutely awful dreams the kind I don't even want to describe...last night was good though, probably cuz I talked about my freaky dreams and had a good talking to with my subconscious about said dreams.
I should run to work...in spite of how this may sound I am not complaining...life is amazing and good and healthy and I love it. But I am not making apologies either, needed to rant for a moment so I did. And now I feel better:)
Ta ta all, peace.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Ladies, Say Goodbye To Your Reproductive Rights!
Looks like Alito will be confirmed, I can hardly contain my joy.
GWB sure did a good job finding another feller to get up there and follow up where his last nominee fell off, ah well, that shouldn't be entirely surprising right? Boo!!!! Alito is notorious for picking apart abortion laws to an absurd degree in an effort to avoid ruling on them, then ruling in favor of contraception and then very openly demonizing gay marriage. Where's the logic here? This scares me due to the shear fact that this man is no longer simply deemed honorable of RULING based on a Supreme Court Law, he now has the ability create and pass them...and of course, amend current laws. Like Roe V. Wade.
Even more than this, his obvious partialness to conservative, right-wing "traditional values" is completely terrifying to me. Is a judge not supposed to be an impartial voice? How can a decision be made with such clear leanings toward the right? I guess that doesn't matter since the entire United States Government is leaning to the right so far it's practically tumbling over with "traditional values", the spin is incredible. I believe this will change with time, but it is what it is for at least another 2 years.
I could easily rant about how it is so completely ridiculous that a MAN is even in the position to make decisions about what I do with or to my body or who I do it with; that these wealthy, upper crust white-bread men have no idea what it means to be a young pregnant teenager, a rape victim, an incest survivor. I could easily argue that it shouldn't matter if Woman A is a carrying an unwanted pregnancy due to some awful circumstance and decides to have an abortion and Woman B is a married housewife with 3 children and decides to have her second abortion, it doesn't matter. What matter's is that Woman A AND B is indeed capable of her own thought and making choices about her life. I am feeling a rant heavily brewing and I choose to slow it down for the mere fact that I am trying to make a point.
That point is that Reproductive Rights isn't just about abortion. The ability to make choices about our reproductive health impacts our entire lives as women. Future plans, education, partnerships, goals, expectations, our physical bodies, our emotional bodies, our spiritual bodies. Women's roles as mother is a far more complex one then many seem to think and I believe that most of us inherently know this in some manner or another. Just because I can have a child does not mean I should. Controlling my Reproductive Rights is like controlling me.
If men like Alito continue to come into power, the kind of power that gives them open permission to make decisions and pass laws, I think it is a huge threat to something I hold so very dear to my heart. And that is that I am a women in 2006 in The United States Of America. It is by shear luck that I was born here, I am grateful to have all my natural-born body parts in tact, that I have the opportunity to become educated and have openly free thought. It is a blessing that I live in a place where I am not required to be married and can be a Single Mother and I am supported in this venture. I can practice whatever idea's or thought processes I may have about spirituality, the idea that women should be honored and treated with respect is a very real one in our culture and is growing in strength every day by women and men alike. I want very desperately for our daughters and sisters and mothers and grandmothers and aunties to continue to have the opportunities of progress. Because we all deserve it as human beings, in every country, everywhere. I can hardly support a man who wholeheartedly works to defeat this progress. I just can't.
GWB sure did a good job finding another feller to get up there and follow up where his last nominee fell off, ah well, that shouldn't be entirely surprising right? Boo!!!! Alito is notorious for picking apart abortion laws to an absurd degree in an effort to avoid ruling on them, then ruling in favor of contraception and then very openly demonizing gay marriage. Where's the logic here? This scares me due to the shear fact that this man is no longer simply deemed honorable of RULING based on a Supreme Court Law, he now has the ability create and pass them...and of course, amend current laws. Like Roe V. Wade.
Even more than this, his obvious partialness to conservative, right-wing "traditional values" is completely terrifying to me. Is a judge not supposed to be an impartial voice? How can a decision be made with such clear leanings toward the right? I guess that doesn't matter since the entire United States Government is leaning to the right so far it's practically tumbling over with "traditional values", the spin is incredible. I believe this will change with time, but it is what it is for at least another 2 years.
I could easily rant about how it is so completely ridiculous that a MAN is even in the position to make decisions about what I do with or to my body or who I do it with; that these wealthy, upper crust white-bread men have no idea what it means to be a young pregnant teenager, a rape victim, an incest survivor. I could easily argue that it shouldn't matter if Woman A is a carrying an unwanted pregnancy due to some awful circumstance and decides to have an abortion and Woman B is a married housewife with 3 children and decides to have her second abortion, it doesn't matter. What matter's is that Woman A AND B is indeed capable of her own thought and making choices about her life. I am feeling a rant heavily brewing and I choose to slow it down for the mere fact that I am trying to make a point.
That point is that Reproductive Rights isn't just about abortion. The ability to make choices about our reproductive health impacts our entire lives as women. Future plans, education, partnerships, goals, expectations, our physical bodies, our emotional bodies, our spiritual bodies. Women's roles as mother is a far more complex one then many seem to think and I believe that most of us inherently know this in some manner or another. Just because I can have a child does not mean I should. Controlling my Reproductive Rights is like controlling me.
If men like Alito continue to come into power, the kind of power that gives them open permission to make decisions and pass laws, I think it is a huge threat to something I hold so very dear to my heart. And that is that I am a women in 2006 in The United States Of America. It is by shear luck that I was born here, I am grateful to have all my natural-born body parts in tact, that I have the opportunity to become educated and have openly free thought. It is a blessing that I live in a place where I am not required to be married and can be a Single Mother and I am supported in this venture. I can practice whatever idea's or thought processes I may have about spirituality, the idea that women should be honored and treated with respect is a very real one in our culture and is growing in strength every day by women and men alike. I want very desperately for our daughters and sisters and mothers and grandmothers and aunties to continue to have the opportunities of progress. Because we all deserve it as human beings, in every country, everywhere. I can hardly support a man who wholeheartedly works to defeat this progress. I just can't.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Woooosh
My gosh, it's the middle of the month already. WTH?
Trying to comprehend time right now seems almost impossible, I have lots of moments where life just doesn't feel real. It's not a scary feeling, but definitely pronounced. I notice it regularly, daily almost as of late. I suspect it's due to all the changes, I read somewhere that our minds become very lazy with routine. Spicing up something you do daily like alternating where you put your socks and pajamas in dresser drawers or talking a different route to work stimulates the left brain more, thus causing more creative and dynamic thought in daily life. My routine has definitely been spiced up a little, holy wowzers yo!
My brain crinkles are all sort of stimulated, in such glorious ways.
In many ways, I feel more alive than I have in years. I am sure it has much to do with the ever-changing hormones of the truly magnificent Maxter, the unconditional love and support from the man I adore and the house where I intend to create a positive and nurturing environment for years to come. Plus, I work at the best job I've had since CORRA and that in and of itself is a blessing. You should not despise the environment in which you spend 8 - 10 of your working hours, not at all. My annual review this morning went well, it was quite a relief actually as I tend to worry alot about my job performance. Actually, I just don't like to fail. Seems I am not, I received a glowing review and happy to know that my supervisor and company is quite pleased with having me on board. Helps me to relax a little. My position is very solitary in comparison to others in the office and rarely requires little if any contact between myself and other staff members, I tend to feel isolated sometimes. Most of the time, I like it cuz I am used to it...but with such little feedback, I find myself questioning my ability and performance. I wish I were more self sufficient, but I need an occasional pat on the back or "Good work!" I might create my own star chart and give myself a star for every day I did good and then buy myself a toy at the end of the week if I've been good. LOL. So anyway, life feels really good today and I am happy to report that I am beginning to feel less anxiety each day about so many things, the idea that I may find myself in a life that feels complete and whole and really positive is pretty overwhelming, I cannot let the opportunity presented to me be The Universe pass.
On a sadder note, Mathew is leaving us to venture off to Reno Nevada to make good money and meet women:) Matt is one of my closest male friends, I trust him and love him very sincerely. He has a good heart and a warm hug and we were all but instant friends. This will not change with distance, but I will take it upon myself to tsk him and nag him if he doesn't write and post to his blogg REGULARLY so we have updates and know that he is safe and happy. And if/when he is done sowing his wild oats he may return and life might seem different, but we'll be here waiting with open arms and a big frosty beer:) Love you Matt, it's been fun...it's been real...it's been real fun. Take damn good care of yourself and be safe.
sigh.
The house is coming together, we have so much to do still but it starting to feel like a real house. I've never had so much fun shopping in my life and since my amazingly generous GramE and Grandpa John (thank you soooo much) gave me extra to play with I can now buy the things I so desperately wanted and needed really. We've got new bedding, new bath stuff....new dishes, new silverware and glasses. This weekend we are buying a gorgeous kitchen table, GORGEOUS! I am working on Chance about putting "hardwood" in the kitchen (it's pretend but looks great for the price) as the kitchen linoleum is a little...um, well it bugs me. I don't know why, it just does. It's brand new and clean, but I think it's the patterns. I am learning in all my shopping that I just don't like most patterns all that much. I like some, symmetrical and geometrical are cool..otherwise, flowers and such sort of bug me. And the linoleum bugs me, so it's got to go. And it's MY house to do whatever I want so I am having ALOT of fun playing with ideas. The only problem is getting carried away, I want everything right now, I don't like to wait to much really. I'm not the most patient person in the world, but I am working on it.
The only thing I am feeling even remotely agitated about is my weight. I keep trying to tell myself that in the past year, I've moved in with my boyfriend, started a new job, quite smoking, bought a house and became a parent of a teenager. But those all feel like excuses and now the holidays have come and gone and I am chubbier than ever, it's depressing...but not as much today cuz I've managed to be fairly good today. I am looking forward to getting back to the GYM though, I miss it very much. Now if I could just stay out of the Peanut Butter Fudge that Ginger & Carl gave me for Christmas that I KNOW I should take to work to share but am feeling toooo selfish to do such a thing!
I ~ promise ~ to get pictures posted soon, sorry gang. Now that I can posted photos to my blogg it is time to do so. I will get some of the house and Max so everyone can see how ginormous he really is. I will also post some of Chance for those of you who haven't met or seen him yet. Both my men are absolutely adorable! I'm a lucky lady.
I should get, love to you all.
~ peace ~
Trying to comprehend time right now seems almost impossible, I have lots of moments where life just doesn't feel real. It's not a scary feeling, but definitely pronounced. I notice it regularly, daily almost as of late. I suspect it's due to all the changes, I read somewhere that our minds become very lazy with routine. Spicing up something you do daily like alternating where you put your socks and pajamas in dresser drawers or talking a different route to work stimulates the left brain more, thus causing more creative and dynamic thought in daily life. My routine has definitely been spiced up a little, holy wowzers yo!
My brain crinkles are all sort of stimulated, in such glorious ways.
In many ways, I feel more alive than I have in years. I am sure it has much to do with the ever-changing hormones of the truly magnificent Maxter, the unconditional love and support from the man I adore and the house where I intend to create a positive and nurturing environment for years to come. Plus, I work at the best job I've had since CORRA and that in and of itself is a blessing. You should not despise the environment in which you spend 8 - 10 of your working hours, not at all. My annual review this morning went well, it was quite a relief actually as I tend to worry alot about my job performance. Actually, I just don't like to fail. Seems I am not, I received a glowing review and happy to know that my supervisor and company is quite pleased with having me on board. Helps me to relax a little. My position is very solitary in comparison to others in the office and rarely requires little if any contact between myself and other staff members, I tend to feel isolated sometimes. Most of the time, I like it cuz I am used to it...but with such little feedback, I find myself questioning my ability and performance. I wish I were more self sufficient, but I need an occasional pat on the back or "Good work!" I might create my own star chart and give myself a star for every day I did good and then buy myself a toy at the end of the week if I've been good. LOL. So anyway, life feels really good today and I am happy to report that I am beginning to feel less anxiety each day about so many things, the idea that I may find myself in a life that feels complete and whole and really positive is pretty overwhelming, I cannot let the opportunity presented to me be The Universe pass.
On a sadder note, Mathew is leaving us to venture off to Reno Nevada to make good money and meet women:) Matt is one of my closest male friends, I trust him and love him very sincerely. He has a good heart and a warm hug and we were all but instant friends. This will not change with distance, but I will take it upon myself to tsk him and nag him if he doesn't write and post to his blogg REGULARLY so we have updates and know that he is safe and happy. And if/when he is done sowing his wild oats he may return and life might seem different, but we'll be here waiting with open arms and a big frosty beer:) Love you Matt, it's been fun...it's been real...it's been real fun. Take damn good care of yourself and be safe.
sigh.
The house is coming together, we have so much to do still but it starting to feel like a real house. I've never had so much fun shopping in my life and since my amazingly generous GramE and Grandpa John (thank you soooo much) gave me extra to play with I can now buy the things I so desperately wanted and needed really. We've got new bedding, new bath stuff....new dishes, new silverware and glasses. This weekend we are buying a gorgeous kitchen table, GORGEOUS! I am working on Chance about putting "hardwood" in the kitchen (it's pretend but looks great for the price) as the kitchen linoleum is a little...um, well it bugs me. I don't know why, it just does. It's brand new and clean, but I think it's the patterns. I am learning in all my shopping that I just don't like most patterns all that much. I like some, symmetrical and geometrical are cool..otherwise, flowers and such sort of bug me. And the linoleum bugs me, so it's got to go. And it's MY house to do whatever I want so I am having ALOT of fun playing with ideas. The only problem is getting carried away, I want everything right now, I don't like to wait to much really. I'm not the most patient person in the world, but I am working on it.
The only thing I am feeling even remotely agitated about is my weight. I keep trying to tell myself that in the past year, I've moved in with my boyfriend, started a new job, quite smoking, bought a house and became a parent of a teenager. But those all feel like excuses and now the holidays have come and gone and I am chubbier than ever, it's depressing...but not as much today cuz I've managed to be fairly good today. I am looking forward to getting back to the GYM though, I miss it very much. Now if I could just stay out of the Peanut Butter Fudge that Ginger & Carl gave me for Christmas that I KNOW I should take to work to share but am feeling toooo selfish to do such a thing!
I ~ promise ~ to get pictures posted soon, sorry gang. Now that I can posted photos to my blogg it is time to do so. I will get some of the house and Max so everyone can see how ginormous he really is. I will also post some of Chance for those of you who haven't met or seen him yet. Both my men are absolutely adorable! I'm a lucky lady.
I should get, love to you all.
~ peace ~
Friday, January 06, 2006
Have a yucky day!
Hello, many of you know me as Oscar The Grouch from the famed television show Sesame Street. What most of you probably do not know is that I am Sarah's favorite Muppet!
Sarah has the fondest memories of watching The Muppet Show as a child with her Mother, Pam. Sarah loved to smile and giggle at the Muppets and always thought Pigs In Space was good comedy, even if she never understood most of it because it was more for her Mom than her, but that's ok. She also always thought Mrs. Piggy was quite the beautiful actress and found her temperament enchanting. Sarah never understood why Mrs. Piggy was quick to react and yell at her beloved Kermie, but any Pig that knew how to 'K-A-R-A-T-E CHOP!' her opponents must be a clever Pig indeed.
Then, however, Sarah discovered Sesame Street and was immediately enchanted. Kermit and The Count were truly special creatures and Sarah always listened closely to what they had to say as they were in fact, the wisest of all Muppets on all of Sesame Street. Yet, when Sarah and I were introduced I knew the bond was Grouchily sacred. No Muppet on the planet made her eyes gleam with amusement or could capture her attention like I could. She was a disgustingly adorable little girl. Very bouncy and lots of blonde hair, usually in pig tails. I always thought she needed a little more slime, but that's just me.
Sarah's complete and unconditional love for me grew through the years, one birthday she received a stuffed (but not very Grouchy!) version of me. "I" never left her side, we hung out a lot and had tea parties. We used to play with another friend named Tigger, but I didn't like him as much because he was pretty annoying for a Grouch. All that bouncing, besides I was a little jealous at how much Sarah liked him. I was even there when Sarah and her Mom were in a terrible care accident and her Mom's blood got all over me. But I comforted Sarah and she knew I loved her and would protect her. And I did. After I got a good washing, Sarah and I were reunited and we spent many happy years together after.
Then it happened one day that Sarah could not find me. Perhaps unknowingly, perhaps not, Sarah's Mom had put me in the box planned for Good Will. Sarah was traumatized, but decided it was best to share because she just knew some other little girl out there would find me and we would become the best of friends. Even though Sarah was very sad, and I am sure she must've cried for quite some time and missed me tremendously (especially at night when I would keep her safe), she knew it was ok because Good Will gave things to kids who didn't have stuffed animals and all kids should have stuffed animals.
In all the years that passed, I knew I never left Sarah's mind and her memories of me were fond and I of her. No other little girl in the world made me smile as much as she did, we were the best of buddies and I know she still smiles when she thinks of me. She always used to ask me why I got so mad, because getting mad and being Grouchy wasn't very much fun...silly girl, because I am Grouch I would say and that's what Grouch's do! I smile when I think of her too.
Now Sarah is a grown-up and has a little boy of her own. When her little boy starting watching Sesame Street together, I would catch her smiling and I knew those smiles and giggles were just for me. Her little boy doesn't care much for Muppets now that he thinks he's all growed up he also likes cars and stuff, cars aren't very Grouchy. But I know Sarah still sings "I Love Trash" under her breath and thinks I am special even if I am a Grouch. It makes me not-so-Grouchy to know that a little girl out there in a big grown up body thinks of Old Oscar on occasion, I still think that Tigger fella a total loser though. I just do not understand what she see's in that guy?????
Have a yucky day and don't bother stopping by!!!!
Not-So-Sincerely-Yours,
Oscar T. Grouch
****************************************************
Oscar Facts:
- Oscar's favorite food is sardine and spinach sundaes.
- His favorite drink is pickle juice.
- His favorite pet is Slimey the Worm.
- His best friend on TV is Grungetta Grouch.
- His favorite activities are disagreeabable order of grouches meetings, writing for The Daily Grouch newspaper, reporting on WORM-TV.
- His favorite vacation is two weeks at the Mudville City Dump.
- His favorite weather is cold and nasty, gray sky, and with occasional rain and sleet.
- His pet peeve is cheerful people.
- He is of the Grouch species, but he is very smart and clever
- Oscar thinks numbers are silly and sings "Knock 3 times" to prove it.
In Oscar's trashcan
- Slimey, Oscar's pet worm
- Fluffy, Oscar's pet elephant, only his trunk is ever shown
- Rosie the Hippopotamus
- A fire breathing dragon
- Farm animals, the existence of a goat and a pig is confirmed
Thursday, January 05, 2006
It Lives....It LIVES!!!!!
I am happy to report that today feels a much brighter and softer day compared to yesterdays darker and harsher coldness. I really am a sensitive little bird, not only to my own emotions and internal shifts but also very much so to those of others. Like everything, there is a balance to this. Aspects of my sensitivity and intuitiveness that are greatly appreciated and days where I wish my feelers didn't get tickled so easily. Ah well, such is the world of the Aquaria female. See her scurry and scamper!!!
I slept about 11 hours last night, there is such a thing as too much sleep and in my normal schedule this would be too much sleep. But the past 4 weeks have been anything but "normal." Actually, I'd find it hard to describe any of my days as "normal"...but normal is relative, like all things. Moving on.
I woke up this morning still reluctant to get moving as I really like being warm and cuddling Chance in our bed, except this morning he had all pillows sans the one I was using covering his head and had managed to mummify himself with the comforter in his sleep. He wasn't exactly available for snuggling. So I bounced up and got into the shower and carefully took notice of my poor body that I've been abusing off and on my whole life in some manner or another and looked at my tubby little tummy and vowed to make changes in how I treat and view my body and self. In exactly 20 days I will turn 30 years old. Farther in life than I had ever expected to make it and many of the things I once desired so greatly have found me some how. If in the past I had not been able to take heed to gifts given to me, no time like the present to get on board with the idea of appreciating this life even one degree more.
I've been binging on food for about 2 days straight, the kind that makes me sick to think of and also the very kind that damages your pancreas, liver and kidney in the same ways as drinking to much alcohol. Self medication of one form or another it seems, I really am a pro at comforting myself in the most detrimental manner. Again it's all relative and for me, the change needs to come in finding the balance in myself within daily life but also when big changes occur. Though, I will give myself permission to acknowledge that the past several months have been full of the kind of changes that would throw any one off kilter at least a little. But I am ready to bounce back and find the balance again. Apparently, the theme of this blogg should be "balance"...moreover, perhaps the theme of this year will be Balance. Indeed.
Max and I are eager to get his room organized, his is sort of the last one to get into "functional" mode. I feel terrible that he's been sleeping on the couch, but he's been gone for some time and only been home a few days since we moved in really. He commented last night that he didn't feel the house was really ours just yet. I know how feels. Sometimes when I get into bed I feel like I am staying at a hotel, a very comfortable hotel with my belongings strewn about. I told him it will take time to feel like it is "ours", but rest assured...it is in fact our house and we aren't going any where for a while. He laughed and said he hoped not. That made me smile given his behavior of the past weeks, perhaps he likes the idea of life with Mom after all? I hope so.
Mary & Howard have some furniture for us, which is a life saver at this point since we have very little...well, very little that want in the new house. Most of what he have looks sort of trashy and tacky in the New House. Neither C nor I have bought new furniture in many many MANY years. So now we'll have an actual bedroom set!!! SCORE!
In reading the bloggs of my fellow bloggers and friends, it seems there is a general shift for all of us. Perhaps it is a sign of things to come. It certainly seems a more positive direction than I've seen for quite some time and it pleases me tremendously to see my fellow females finding personal growth, health and happiness. Yay us!. We've all grown older and wiser and maybe are learning the value of caring for ourselves first so we can be better friends to one another....???? Things that make you go hmmmm.
And finally, my site recommendation of the day is:
http://www.wickedsunshine.com/WagePeace
For me, this site provides and outlet of humor in conjunction with the idea's many of us share about our current government, the war in Iraq and human rights. My particular favorites are:
"The Presidents Prayer"
"Start A Revolution, Stop Hating Your Body!"
"United States Of Texas"
Work beckons....more to come.
I slept about 11 hours last night, there is such a thing as too much sleep and in my normal schedule this would be too much sleep. But the past 4 weeks have been anything but "normal." Actually, I'd find it hard to describe any of my days as "normal"...but normal is relative, like all things. Moving on.
I woke up this morning still reluctant to get moving as I really like being warm and cuddling Chance in our bed, except this morning he had all pillows sans the one I was using covering his head and had managed to mummify himself with the comforter in his sleep. He wasn't exactly available for snuggling. So I bounced up and got into the shower and carefully took notice of my poor body that I've been abusing off and on my whole life in some manner or another and looked at my tubby little tummy and vowed to make changes in how I treat and view my body and self. In exactly 20 days I will turn 30 years old. Farther in life than I had ever expected to make it and many of the things I once desired so greatly have found me some how. If in the past I had not been able to take heed to gifts given to me, no time like the present to get on board with the idea of appreciating this life even one degree more.
I've been binging on food for about 2 days straight, the kind that makes me sick to think of and also the very kind that damages your pancreas, liver and kidney in the same ways as drinking to much alcohol. Self medication of one form or another it seems, I really am a pro at comforting myself in the most detrimental manner. Again it's all relative and for me, the change needs to come in finding the balance in myself within daily life but also when big changes occur. Though, I will give myself permission to acknowledge that the past several months have been full of the kind of changes that would throw any one off kilter at least a little. But I am ready to bounce back and find the balance again. Apparently, the theme of this blogg should be "balance"...moreover, perhaps the theme of this year will be Balance. Indeed.
Max and I are eager to get his room organized, his is sort of the last one to get into "functional" mode. I feel terrible that he's been sleeping on the couch, but he's been gone for some time and only been home a few days since we moved in really. He commented last night that he didn't feel the house was really ours just yet. I know how feels. Sometimes when I get into bed I feel like I am staying at a hotel, a very comfortable hotel with my belongings strewn about. I told him it will take time to feel like it is "ours", but rest assured...it is in fact our house and we aren't going any where for a while. He laughed and said he hoped not. That made me smile given his behavior of the past weeks, perhaps he likes the idea of life with Mom after all? I hope so.
Mary & Howard have some furniture for us, which is a life saver at this point since we have very little...well, very little that want in the new house. Most of what he have looks sort of trashy and tacky in the New House. Neither C nor I have bought new furniture in many many MANY years. So now we'll have an actual bedroom set!!! SCORE!
In reading the bloggs of my fellow bloggers and friends, it seems there is a general shift for all of us. Perhaps it is a sign of things to come. It certainly seems a more positive direction than I've seen for quite some time and it pleases me tremendously to see my fellow females finding personal growth, health and happiness. Yay us!. We've all grown older and wiser and maybe are learning the value of caring for ourselves first so we can be better friends to one another....???? Things that make you go hmmmm.
And finally, my site recommendation of the day is:
http://www.wickedsunshine.com/WagePeace
For me, this site provides and outlet of humor in conjunction with the idea's many of us share about our current government, the war in Iraq and human rights. My particular favorites are:
"The Presidents Prayer"
"Start A Revolution, Stop Hating Your Body!"
"United States Of Texas"
Work beckons....more to come.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Insert Clever Title Here
I guess it's time to write. I don't really feel like it this morning, but I know I should as I've not had a thoughtful blogg in several few days. It's funny how I can go from bouncy spunk to sullen moodiness within only a day or two. It's sort of frustrating and though I'm sure it's mostly just due to the "gifts" of being a woman, I'd still rather be in bed sleeping warmly and quietly. Getting up this morning was harder than expected and I've still not really pulled the sleep from my eyes or mind for that matter.
The New House is really blooming, I love it. It feels like it might take us months to unpack and really settle in, but everyone works and has lives...moving in addition to "life" is probably not ideal, but people do it all the time so I'm sure we'll find a way. We are all moved out of the other house, it is a relief to say the least. I was not saddened in any way to say goodbye to that location, it holds many memories....some very bright and some very dark. It served it's purpose for Max and I at that particular time in our lives, but departure is long since over due and I am grateful that the opportunity to move forward presented itself and allowed us to see it to fruition. The New House, like the New Year is a rejuvenation of spirit and though I feel down and tired today, I feel much less overwhelmed or exhausted by day to day life just by being there each day. The New House is very bright and welcoming, I know it will bring us many happy years and to that I look forward to tremendously. I trust the financing will come to make the decorative changes happen, as well as the functional. It will all come full circle, we are hoping in about a year we will what we need to make the house "ours."
New Years weekend was relatively quiet over all, for which I am thankful. Trust me. In addition to The Move and The Holidays, we've had endless weekends of friends over, functions and events and I am totally wiped out. We spent about half of it cleaning up the New House and clearing out The Old House and being happy about it all. The remaining half was devoted primarily to Chance and I reconnecting with one another and our choices as a unit and respective individuals. It was sorely needed I think and like many other aspects of our lives, our relationship has gone unnoticed in the hustle and bustle of the events of the past several months. Chance and I have many details to work through, as I suppose relationships of all sorts do. I think the question is one of balance and how to achieve that balance with one another and each others need, while meeting our own personal needs and desires as individuals. We both have unique physical, mental, spiritual and emotional needs and wants. I suspect how and if those mesh together will be an ongoing source of discussion, quandary and the foundation in which we will build our love and life together.
In any event, The New Years came in quietly and we spent the next day lounging about not doing a whole lot of anything and simply enjoying one another's company. A delightful day:)
Monday, Maxter came home from being up and Grandma & Grandpas (his Dad's parents) for a whole week. He typically spends a week with them during the Holidays and week in the Summer. This time, his father was there for about 3 of those days. It sounds like they had a great deal of fun and Max has talked about him regularly since the visit. Max is showing quite an interest in developing a relationship with his father, he's a very lucky young man that he has the opportunity to do so and though hesitant, I am excited about the idea that Max may be able to form a bond with this person who helped to create him. Fathers are special beings, something I may not be able to know directly from experience as my memories of my father are strange and fuzzy, but it seems common sense that Max deserves any opportunity possible to know and understand his Dad.
How ever eager Max is about getting to know his Dad, there will probably always be some hesitation from my side. I am working hard not to openly display this to Max, but he's pretty intuitive. I have a range of emotion about the issue, from rage and anger to fear. How dare Sean just pop up all the sudden after I've worked so hard to create a good life for Max? Has everyone forgotten about the abuse and drugs and all the crap he brought into my life? I am accountable for much of it, but him beating the shit out of me isn't my fault and it still really pisses me off that at that time in his life, he seemed to think this was an acceptable way to treat a female. More specifically the Mother of his child. He threw Max on the couch trying to get to me and that was it, and it got bad. I went to the hospital that day with a concussion and required several stitches to a head wound on the back of my head and forehead. Sitting in that emergency room for the 3rd time in so many months put a rage into me that I've not felt since. I left him to protect Max and I later realized, to protect myself too. I didn't know I was better than that, I didn't know that "love" from men was NOT supposed to include some sort of abuse...I just did not know that, I did it cuz I could NOT stand the idea that he might hurt Max. Max doesn't know any of this. Max does not know that I have reasons to be hesitant and concerned and quite frankly, have days where I just wish Sean would go away and find somewhere else to be a pain in someone's ass.
I am slowly acclimating to the idea though in reality I have little choice and ultimately, I must remember that this isn't about me. This about supporting the one thing I cherish more than anything in the world, supporting him in venturing out and checking out this guy that's his Dad. Supporting Max. This isn't about how much it stings me that his Dad gets to play "The Cool Guy" once every three months and I get to be the disciplinarian, and work crazy hours to support this child and make sure he's fed and warm and loved. This isn't about how I think that Max secretly wants to live with his Dad because he thinks there are no rules and doesn't seem to care all that much about school and it irritates me that Max doesn't seem as invested in himself as the rest of us. This isn't about how hard it's been raising Max without an OUNCE of child support and until now, I've left it alone because I'd rather do this alone and struggle than deal with his father who makes me nauseas when I think of him.
This isn't about me because if it were about me, that would be completely inappropriate at this point. It would be a selfish train of thought, certain levels of selfish behavior is abuse...the very cycle I am working desperately to break.
As long as Max's safety is not an issue, I am left with little choice and at this point I know that he is safe in the manner in which they are spending time together as it is monitored by Max's grandparents. Though I have my concerns about them to. But that is for another day.
Breathe. The fact remains that Max is home and that is good. When he is away from me I do not feel ok. At all. The time he is away from me will likely increase as he becomes more like a teenager (which is happening very quickly) and if visitation is granted to Sean. I expect a court case in the coming months.
Ok, moving on. Work has settled a touch. I really have tons to do and have had a hard time focusing these past few days, but there's not as much heat as in the past few weeks. I am really out of it today. Some days I just don't' want to work. I guess that's not a sin to say out loud. But it is what it is and I am by default, required to work. My question is...how in the bloody hell will my generation EVER be allowed to retire? Really?
I am feeling very motivated to write some poetry and am hoping for some more time to do that soon, maybe tonight. I am also getting back to my normal state of reading, something I've lacked for several months now. No time. Now is the time. I miss words. I like them, I like to absorb them. I like to say them. I like to place them in sentences and think of them as variable conditions to a thought.
I really should get back to work. I feel my entry today sounds rather moody short in tone, that is not my intention. Even the Bubble Princess has days where she feels plain and indifferent and unimportant. Freaking hormones. These are the days when I struggle to embrace the beauty of woman hood. Not because I do not love being female, because it is a gift and one I happen to be blessed with. Yay me:) Nope, it's mostly that I just wish I had a little more control over my body and it's behaviors. Some day I will, probably not in this life time...but I imagine through space and time if I am lucky, my little spirit will evolve into quite a powerful one and I will be able to acknowledge the stupid cramps and body that feels foreign rather than familiar as an important part of my progression. In the immediate moment though, I feel like curling up in a ball and going to sleep with a warm blankey and my kitty. Meow.
The New House is really blooming, I love it. It feels like it might take us months to unpack and really settle in, but everyone works and has lives...moving in addition to "life" is probably not ideal, but people do it all the time so I'm sure we'll find a way. We are all moved out of the other house, it is a relief to say the least. I was not saddened in any way to say goodbye to that location, it holds many memories....some very bright and some very dark. It served it's purpose for Max and I at that particular time in our lives, but departure is long since over due and I am grateful that the opportunity to move forward presented itself and allowed us to see it to fruition. The New House, like the New Year is a rejuvenation of spirit and though I feel down and tired today, I feel much less overwhelmed or exhausted by day to day life just by being there each day. The New House is very bright and welcoming, I know it will bring us many happy years and to that I look forward to tremendously. I trust the financing will come to make the decorative changes happen, as well as the functional. It will all come full circle, we are hoping in about a year we will what we need to make the house "ours."
New Years weekend was relatively quiet over all, for which I am thankful. Trust me. In addition to The Move and The Holidays, we've had endless weekends of friends over, functions and events and I am totally wiped out. We spent about half of it cleaning up the New House and clearing out The Old House and being happy about it all. The remaining half was devoted primarily to Chance and I reconnecting with one another and our choices as a unit and respective individuals. It was sorely needed I think and like many other aspects of our lives, our relationship has gone unnoticed in the hustle and bustle of the events of the past several months. Chance and I have many details to work through, as I suppose relationships of all sorts do. I think the question is one of balance and how to achieve that balance with one another and each others need, while meeting our own personal needs and desires as individuals. We both have unique physical, mental, spiritual and emotional needs and wants. I suspect how and if those mesh together will be an ongoing source of discussion, quandary and the foundation in which we will build our love and life together.
In any event, The New Years came in quietly and we spent the next day lounging about not doing a whole lot of anything and simply enjoying one another's company. A delightful day:)
Monday, Maxter came home from being up and Grandma & Grandpas (his Dad's parents) for a whole week. He typically spends a week with them during the Holidays and week in the Summer. This time, his father was there for about 3 of those days. It sounds like they had a great deal of fun and Max has talked about him regularly since the visit. Max is showing quite an interest in developing a relationship with his father, he's a very lucky young man that he has the opportunity to do so and though hesitant, I am excited about the idea that Max may be able to form a bond with this person who helped to create him. Fathers are special beings, something I may not be able to know directly from experience as my memories of my father are strange and fuzzy, but it seems common sense that Max deserves any opportunity possible to know and understand his Dad.
How ever eager Max is about getting to know his Dad, there will probably always be some hesitation from my side. I am working hard not to openly display this to Max, but he's pretty intuitive. I have a range of emotion about the issue, from rage and anger to fear. How dare Sean just pop up all the sudden after I've worked so hard to create a good life for Max? Has everyone forgotten about the abuse and drugs and all the crap he brought into my life? I am accountable for much of it, but him beating the shit out of me isn't my fault and it still really pisses me off that at that time in his life, he seemed to think this was an acceptable way to treat a female. More specifically the Mother of his child. He threw Max on the couch trying to get to me and that was it, and it got bad. I went to the hospital that day with a concussion and required several stitches to a head wound on the back of my head and forehead. Sitting in that emergency room for the 3rd time in so many months put a rage into me that I've not felt since. I left him to protect Max and I later realized, to protect myself too. I didn't know I was better than that, I didn't know that "love" from men was NOT supposed to include some sort of abuse...I just did not know that, I did it cuz I could NOT stand the idea that he might hurt Max. Max doesn't know any of this. Max does not know that I have reasons to be hesitant and concerned and quite frankly, have days where I just wish Sean would go away and find somewhere else to be a pain in someone's ass.
I am slowly acclimating to the idea though in reality I have little choice and ultimately, I must remember that this isn't about me. This about supporting the one thing I cherish more than anything in the world, supporting him in venturing out and checking out this guy that's his Dad. Supporting Max. This isn't about how much it stings me that his Dad gets to play "The Cool Guy" once every three months and I get to be the disciplinarian, and work crazy hours to support this child and make sure he's fed and warm and loved. This isn't about how I think that Max secretly wants to live with his Dad because he thinks there are no rules and doesn't seem to care all that much about school and it irritates me that Max doesn't seem as invested in himself as the rest of us. This isn't about how hard it's been raising Max without an OUNCE of child support and until now, I've left it alone because I'd rather do this alone and struggle than deal with his father who makes me nauseas when I think of him.
This isn't about me because if it were about me, that would be completely inappropriate at this point. It would be a selfish train of thought, certain levels of selfish behavior is abuse...the very cycle I am working desperately to break.
As long as Max's safety is not an issue, I am left with little choice and at this point I know that he is safe in the manner in which they are spending time together as it is monitored by Max's grandparents. Though I have my concerns about them to. But that is for another day.
Breathe. The fact remains that Max is home and that is good. When he is away from me I do not feel ok. At all. The time he is away from me will likely increase as he becomes more like a teenager (which is happening very quickly) and if visitation is granted to Sean. I expect a court case in the coming months.
Ok, moving on. Work has settled a touch. I really have tons to do and have had a hard time focusing these past few days, but there's not as much heat as in the past few weeks. I am really out of it today. Some days I just don't' want to work. I guess that's not a sin to say out loud. But it is what it is and I am by default, required to work. My question is...how in the bloody hell will my generation EVER be allowed to retire? Really?
I am feeling very motivated to write some poetry and am hoping for some more time to do that soon, maybe tonight. I am also getting back to my normal state of reading, something I've lacked for several months now. No time. Now is the time. I miss words. I like them, I like to absorb them. I like to say them. I like to place them in sentences and think of them as variable conditions to a thought.
I really should get back to work. I feel my entry today sounds rather moody short in tone, that is not my intention. Even the Bubble Princess has days where she feels plain and indifferent and unimportant. Freaking hormones. These are the days when I struggle to embrace the beauty of woman hood. Not because I do not love being female, because it is a gift and one I happen to be blessed with. Yay me:) Nope, it's mostly that I just wish I had a little more control over my body and it's behaviors. Some day I will, probably not in this life time...but I imagine through space and time if I am lucky, my little spirit will evolve into quite a powerful one and I will be able to acknowledge the stupid cramps and body that feels foreign rather than familiar as an important part of my progression. In the immediate moment though, I feel like curling up in a ball and going to sleep with a warm blankey and my kitty. Meow.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
What A Long Strange Trip It's Been...
Ha, or so the song goes right? One of my favs by the way...
So I updated my song lyrics blogg, check it out on your right. I should've posted Kanye months ago, but the message is the same and one I sense many many of us are starting to really be able to hear.
Happy New Year Gang....CMan and I are settling in for a night of movies and chilling out for the remainder of our time off for the long weekend.
Love to you all:)
Will write more soon.
So I updated my song lyrics blogg, check it out on your right. I should've posted Kanye months ago, but the message is the same and one I sense many many of us are starting to really be able to hear.
Happy New Year Gang....CMan and I are settling in for a night of movies and chilling out for the remainder of our time off for the long weekend.
Love to you all:)
Will write more soon.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Paging Mr. Dumbass!
Ok, I am a dumbass.
I sprained my ankle during the move. I can hardly put pressure on it and it's swelling. Again. At least it's the left one, if it was the right one that I all but completely mangled last year, I'd be screwed.
What my ankle does not know is how much work is left to be done.
I ignored it, but it didn't go away.
I tried to reason with it, it does not wish to be rational.
I begged, pleaded and even tried to bribe it to behave. No dice.
I can't wait to tell C about this, he's going to love me and I'm going to owe him big after THIS move. Jeesh.
Bad ankle.
I sprained my ankle during the move. I can hardly put pressure on it and it's swelling. Again. At least it's the left one, if it was the right one that I all but completely mangled last year, I'd be screwed.
What my ankle does not know is how much work is left to be done.
I ignored it, but it didn't go away.
I tried to reason with it, it does not wish to be rational.
I begged, pleaded and even tried to bribe it to behave. No dice.
I can't wait to tell C about this, he's going to love me and I'm going to owe him big after THIS move. Jeesh.
Bad ankle.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Bubbly Little Butterflies
I just ate a ginormous vegetarian breakfast burrito with the most delicious veggie green chilie I've ever tasted. I am now ready for a nap and it's only 10:30 am Colorado time at this very moment.
We are all completely exhausted in general. The move went well though not as organized as I'd hoped. My Type A personality is sighing and fidgeting in every room with all the things that are yet to be done, but being in my new home feels like a rebirth. It's so bright and shiny and warm feeling. The very environment is affirming the decision. It is such a blessing. As we explore each room and play with the ideas of where pictures should be hung and pieces of art displayed, we are finding it feels even better and better as we spend the time doing so. It is a joyous process, however, moving any time in the foreseeable future is not on my agenda. Moving is really unpleasant, I'll pass for a while me thinks.
Maximus seems quite happy, he's been very bouncy and happy. The cats also seem enchanted, specifically with the downstairs. So many places to become invisible and peer out at us ridiculous humans. Gaia Cat has found a new home on our black office chair, which then becomes an office chair with a pair of gleaming green eyes. Chance literally sat on her yesterday because he didn't see her sitting in it. That was damn funny, they both got quite a surprise out of that one:) Pumpkin Kitty is just having a blast in general. Her arthritis seems to be getting to her with all those stairs, but I am hoping it will keep her spunky and happy for the rest of her years.
Speaking of stairs, I may not need to buy a treadmill after all. Running up and down all those stairs will probably do the trick. My ankles are letting me know that I did indeed hurt them very badly just about a year ago, I'd forgotten. Silly me. I also managed to stub my toe the day of the move, it still looks abnormal and strangely bluish. I now have Smurf Toe and Meatball Ankle.
All in all, the weekend was a success and I am just we are sleeping in our now home. No matter how disheveled it may seem, it does feel like home already. Side note: We were 30 minutes late for the closing on Thursday night, Chance and I almost strangled each other from the stress....but the closing itself went smoothly and quickly.
After the closing, we promptly drove to the house to thank it. Thank it for sharing with us. Kristen had been watching Max for me (achem, closings are really boring...just an FYI) and they all came to meet us at the house. We then went to Mary & Howard's for a wonderful wonderful meal and evening. How I adore them, they are so good to us. So kind. Mary and I have bonded tremendously this past year, I feel very close to her and her whole family. They are my family.
Friday, Justin lit a fire under my ass and informed me we were moving Friday instead of Saturday. I said ok and then stubbed my toe and felt like blaming it on Justin for making me rush around but then was happy that he got me moving cuz then we could sleep in our house on Friday. Friday was spent moving out of the yucky house and into the yummy house. Colleen had baby Evan with her all day and I was so happy to see him and have him in our new home, I adore that kid and can't wait to have him over night again. He's one of the happiest babies I've EVER seen! Rhi brought Miss Paula over for a quick visit and we chatted and went to Target, kitty litter is important when you have cats in a new house. Nice to see Paula, she is whole entire entity unto herself...like a new life form completely. A plant or lady bug, with a little stinger of course:) I also love how happy Rhi always seems when she's around Paula. A happy Rhi is good in my book. I then fell asleep after having to rush back to the Teller house to turn off a drippy washer faucet that threatened to flood the house. Dang!
I slept awful, mostly cuz we didn't have any blinds or window coverings up yet. I felt a little exposed. Chance and Max slept in late and I got up and got moving. I took a very long bath in my new tub. The caulking needs to be redone in some spots and bleached, there is a small bubble of mold growing. A few actually. Mold in Colorado is strange, I am still shocked it can grow here with the zero humidity levels most of the year. The rest of the day is was filled with people in and out all day, Mom & Jim came down to see it...Justin & Colleen came over again and Matt came to help finish what was left after a very long night for him, bless his heart. He's quite the reliable friend, I was so proud of him even though he looked pretty wrecked and very tired. He worked very hard.
Saturday night I had a fantastic chat with Aunty MB, I love her voice. It's got it's own character, like it's alive outside of her self. I miss her tremendously and in our usual fashion I babbled on and on about my life before I finally asked what was new for her. I am terrible with that, I just get excited and sort of "Blah" everything right away, ah well...that's just how I tick. Aunty sounds great, but Lil Tory sadly did not sound quite on top of his game. I got an email from her this morning that was profoundly moving, I really don't have the words as the email not only demonstrates her deep love for this sweet Lil Farm cat, but her ability to convey thought and emotion through written word. My heart hurt and rejoiced at the same time in reading of this love, it's a deeply curious thing...love, how we love each and our furry little buddies and all the that grow and give around us. Bravo to Aunty MB in capturing this love and setting it free. Thank you for sharing it with me, Tory is definitely the King of your heart and mine to in that he brought so much to your life. Bless him.
After I got off the phone with Aunty, we settled in and relaxed. Wrapped some soooprize gifts for Max, he was under the impression there was not Christmas this year. He was wrong, yay!
"Mom?" "Mom?" "Mom?" He found the Christmas Tree we put up and his gifts and spent an awful lot of time eyeballing them before finally coming to wake me, I was proud...he was rather patient. We got up and had a wonderful morning, it was a wonderful day in general. We didn't do much, I really couldn't cuz my ankles were swollen and my Smurf Toe was acting up...so I decided to leave the unpacking alone. We just chilled and watched movies and played games and Max played with his new toys, he's still a little guy in lots of ways even though he acts like a really big guy in most ways:) I love him, he is a dear.
Oh..and Matt did NOT ruin Christmas for the record.
Monday was not as productive as it could've been, I was actually quite irritated with everyone and really just wanted to go back to bed but there was much to be done. I did some work and then settled in for some golf. There was definitely some unneeded drama between Matt, Chance, Rhi and I. That won't be happening again. I think there were just too many cranky bodies needing some space, that said...everyone should probably apologize and move on.
Chance and I have decided to keep New Years ultra low key this year and spend it at home just he and I. We need some time together in our new house together, I am looking forward to it. We are going to make Sushi and drink Saki and hold hands and be in love. :) Yay.
Max is with his Grandparents until 01/02/2006. sigh. That is a very long time for Momma Bear to be away from her cub, but my little cub is pushing for more space and I am left with little choice. He's pushing in LOTS of directions...mostly just mine:) That's ok, we are finding our groove.
Well kids, I should be off. I have relatively little work to do, but should try to stay somewhat focused today. It's so quiet in here today, there is literally only about half the staff here...it's really nutty! Also, just an FYI to all...I don't have Comcast.Net access at home until Friday, so I am only checking email from work for now.
Love you all so so so much, peace.
We are all completely exhausted in general. The move went well though not as organized as I'd hoped. My Type A personality is sighing and fidgeting in every room with all the things that are yet to be done, but being in my new home feels like a rebirth. It's so bright and shiny and warm feeling. The very environment is affirming the decision. It is such a blessing. As we explore each room and play with the ideas of where pictures should be hung and pieces of art displayed, we are finding it feels even better and better as we spend the time doing so. It is a joyous process, however, moving any time in the foreseeable future is not on my agenda. Moving is really unpleasant, I'll pass for a while me thinks.
Maximus seems quite happy, he's been very bouncy and happy. The cats also seem enchanted, specifically with the downstairs. So many places to become invisible and peer out at us ridiculous humans. Gaia Cat has found a new home on our black office chair, which then becomes an office chair with a pair of gleaming green eyes. Chance literally sat on her yesterday because he didn't see her sitting in it. That was damn funny, they both got quite a surprise out of that one:) Pumpkin Kitty is just having a blast in general. Her arthritis seems to be getting to her with all those stairs, but I am hoping it will keep her spunky and happy for the rest of her years.
Speaking of stairs, I may not need to buy a treadmill after all. Running up and down all those stairs will probably do the trick. My ankles are letting me know that I did indeed hurt them very badly just about a year ago, I'd forgotten. Silly me. I also managed to stub my toe the day of the move, it still looks abnormal and strangely bluish. I now have Smurf Toe and Meatball Ankle.
All in all, the weekend was a success and I am just we are sleeping in our now home. No matter how disheveled it may seem, it does feel like home already. Side note: We were 30 minutes late for the closing on Thursday night, Chance and I almost strangled each other from the stress....but the closing itself went smoothly and quickly.
After the closing, we promptly drove to the house to thank it. Thank it for sharing with us. Kristen had been watching Max for me (achem, closings are really boring...just an FYI) and they all came to meet us at the house. We then went to Mary & Howard's for a wonderful wonderful meal and evening. How I adore them, they are so good to us. So kind. Mary and I have bonded tremendously this past year, I feel very close to her and her whole family. They are my family.
Friday, Justin lit a fire under my ass and informed me we were moving Friday instead of Saturday. I said ok and then stubbed my toe and felt like blaming it on Justin for making me rush around but then was happy that he got me moving cuz then we could sleep in our house on Friday. Friday was spent moving out of the yucky house and into the yummy house. Colleen had baby Evan with her all day and I was so happy to see him and have him in our new home, I adore that kid and can't wait to have him over night again. He's one of the happiest babies I've EVER seen! Rhi brought Miss Paula over for a quick visit and we chatted and went to Target, kitty litter is important when you have cats in a new house. Nice to see Paula, she is whole entire entity unto herself...like a new life form completely. A plant or lady bug, with a little stinger of course:) I also love how happy Rhi always seems when she's around Paula. A happy Rhi is good in my book. I then fell asleep after having to rush back to the Teller house to turn off a drippy washer faucet that threatened to flood the house. Dang!
I slept awful, mostly cuz we didn't have any blinds or window coverings up yet. I felt a little exposed. Chance and Max slept in late and I got up and got moving. I took a very long bath in my new tub. The caulking needs to be redone in some spots and bleached, there is a small bubble of mold growing. A few actually. Mold in Colorado is strange, I am still shocked it can grow here with the zero humidity levels most of the year. The rest of the day is was filled with people in and out all day, Mom & Jim came down to see it...Justin & Colleen came over again and Matt came to help finish what was left after a very long night for him, bless his heart. He's quite the reliable friend, I was so proud of him even though he looked pretty wrecked and very tired. He worked very hard.
Saturday night I had a fantastic chat with Aunty MB, I love her voice. It's got it's own character, like it's alive outside of her self. I miss her tremendously and in our usual fashion I babbled on and on about my life before I finally asked what was new for her. I am terrible with that, I just get excited and sort of "Blah" everything right away, ah well...that's just how I tick. Aunty sounds great, but Lil Tory sadly did not sound quite on top of his game. I got an email from her this morning that was profoundly moving, I really don't have the words as the email not only demonstrates her deep love for this sweet Lil Farm cat, but her ability to convey thought and emotion through written word. My heart hurt and rejoiced at the same time in reading of this love, it's a deeply curious thing...love, how we love each and our furry little buddies and all the that grow and give around us. Bravo to Aunty MB in capturing this love and setting it free. Thank you for sharing it with me, Tory is definitely the King of your heart and mine to in that he brought so much to your life. Bless him.
After I got off the phone with Aunty, we settled in and relaxed. Wrapped some soooprize gifts for Max, he was under the impression there was not Christmas this year. He was wrong, yay!
"Mom?" "Mom?" "Mom?" He found the Christmas Tree we put up and his gifts and spent an awful lot of time eyeballing them before finally coming to wake me, I was proud...he was rather patient. We got up and had a wonderful morning, it was a wonderful day in general. We didn't do much, I really couldn't cuz my ankles were swollen and my Smurf Toe was acting up...so I decided to leave the unpacking alone. We just chilled and watched movies and played games and Max played with his new toys, he's still a little guy in lots of ways even though he acts like a really big guy in most ways:) I love him, he is a dear.
Oh..and Matt did NOT ruin Christmas for the record.
Monday was not as productive as it could've been, I was actually quite irritated with everyone and really just wanted to go back to bed but there was much to be done. I did some work and then settled in for some golf. There was definitely some unneeded drama between Matt, Chance, Rhi and I. That won't be happening again. I think there were just too many cranky bodies needing some space, that said...everyone should probably apologize and move on.
Chance and I have decided to keep New Years ultra low key this year and spend it at home just he and I. We need some time together in our new house together, I am looking forward to it. We are going to make Sushi and drink Saki and hold hands and be in love. :) Yay.
Max is with his Grandparents until 01/02/2006. sigh. That is a very long time for Momma Bear to be away from her cub, but my little cub is pushing for more space and I am left with little choice. He's pushing in LOTS of directions...mostly just mine:) That's ok, we are finding our groove.
Well kids, I should be off. I have relatively little work to do, but should try to stay somewhat focused today. It's so quiet in here today, there is literally only about half the staff here...it's really nutty! Also, just an FYI to all...I don't have Comcast.Net access at home until Friday, so I am only checking email from work for now.
Love you all so so so much, peace.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Dear Friends & Family...
Dear Friends & Family...
Our lives are totally crazy right now, for reasons many of you know and some most of you don't right now...please do not take my lack of communication personal. I love you all and please send your positive vibes and prayers our way right now...we really need them.
Happy Holidays and I hope this finds you all well. More to come soon.....
Our lives are totally crazy right now, for reasons many of you know and some most of you don't right now...please do not take my lack of communication personal. I love you all and please send your positive vibes and prayers our way right now...we really need them.
Happy Holidays and I hope this finds you all well. More to come soon.....
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
I've Had It
I need to vent for a moment.
I am a little angry today and since I am supposed to be working on alleviating my anxiety more and stressing less, I will take this opportunity to blow off a little steam.
a) If you say your going to do something, do it.
If you do not, I don't not forgive this easily. To me, if you renege on a plan or task you've obligated yourself to and then blow it off, distrust begins to form in my mind. What's worse is if you obligate yourself to something and then leave me stuck with it; again and again and then act all confused when I call you out on it.
b) Double Standards
I work a full time job, I am a mother and I am a fairly sensitive person. I can not do and will not do everything. I am sorry if I have let some people in my life down. If you have suddenly realized that I am human and not some image of perfect, ever-nurturing, ever-tolerant individual and you are disappointed, tough ta ta's. Oh yes, and please don't assume that since I am a female it is my responsibility to act proper or chaste simply because it makes you more comfortable. What you see is what you get.
c) Accountability
I can not tolerate those who refuse to hold themselves accountable for their own behaviors, actions, opinions, etc. Do not blame or point your finger at me if you screwed up and especially do not expect me to bail you out or attempt to manipulate me to emotionally rationalize your own behavior. I'm tired of the guilt trips, I'm tired of the mental abuse and I'm damn tired of your chilly attitude. Don't expect more from me then you are willing to put forth yourself.
d) Kindness
Never ever mistake my kindness for weakness.
e) Gentleness
Those with gentle and tolerant character catch my eye, open my heart and perk my ears to listen carefully. Negativity, sarcasm, cruelty and apathy disgust me; and though I have love in my heart for all things, it does not mean I have to subject myself to that behavior and I have the right to walk away and remove myself form it. If this offends you, that is your choice.
I feel a little better, I am definitely looking forward to a good work out this afternoon though. breath and activity do wonders.
Peace all, hope your having a great day.
I am a little angry today and since I am supposed to be working on alleviating my anxiety more and stressing less, I will take this opportunity to blow off a little steam.
a) If you say your going to do something, do it.
If you do not, I don't not forgive this easily. To me, if you renege on a plan or task you've obligated yourself to and then blow it off, distrust begins to form in my mind. What's worse is if you obligate yourself to something and then leave me stuck with it; again and again and then act all confused when I call you out on it.
b) Double Standards
I work a full time job, I am a mother and I am a fairly sensitive person. I can not do and will not do everything. I am sorry if I have let some people in my life down. If you have suddenly realized that I am human and not some image of perfect, ever-nurturing, ever-tolerant individual and you are disappointed, tough ta ta's. Oh yes, and please don't assume that since I am a female it is my responsibility to act proper or chaste simply because it makes you more comfortable. What you see is what you get.
c) Accountability
I can not tolerate those who refuse to hold themselves accountable for their own behaviors, actions, opinions, etc. Do not blame or point your finger at me if you screwed up and especially do not expect me to bail you out or attempt to manipulate me to emotionally rationalize your own behavior. I'm tired of the guilt trips, I'm tired of the mental abuse and I'm damn tired of your chilly attitude. Don't expect more from me then you are willing to put forth yourself.
d) Kindness
Never ever mistake my kindness for weakness.
e) Gentleness
Those with gentle and tolerant character catch my eye, open my heart and perk my ears to listen carefully. Negativity, sarcasm, cruelty and apathy disgust me; and though I have love in my heart for all things, it does not mean I have to subject myself to that behavior and I have the right to walk away and remove myself form it. If this offends you, that is your choice.
I feel a little better, I am definitely looking forward to a good work out this afternoon though. breath and activity do wonders.
Peace all, hope your having a great day.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
It finally happened....
Much to my dismay, it has finally happened.
I have officially "blossomed" into the round, semi-gelatinous tree fruit that is my namesake.
Main Entry: man·go
Pronunciation: 'ma[ng]-(")gO
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural mangoes also mangos
Etymology: Portuguese manga, probably from Malayalam mAnna
1 : a tropical fruit commonly with a firm yellowish red skin, hard central stone, and juicy aromatic pulp; also : an evergreen tree (Mangifera indica) of the cashew family that bears mangoes
Thanks Chance, I hope you are happy ;-)
I just consumed a gigantic bag of Moose Munch. 8 oz. of dark chocolate, almondy crunch-n-munch goodness. Before that I ate a round chocolate ball filled with gooey gummy peanut butter.
For lunch I ate a bowl of very healthy, low sodium vegetable soup and quickly added about 3 good pinches of salt and pepper to it. Sort of defeats the purpose doesn't it? Chance would KILL me if he knew I had a secret stash of salt in my drawer at work.
For breakfast I ate a bowl of very healthy oatmeal with and then promptly drank 4 cups off coffee with cocoa in it. OMG....CHOCOLATE in my COFFEE! That's right kids, I stirred chocolate into my coffee cuz cream and sugar just wasn't cutting it this morning.
I am developing cube butt and my middle has grown exponentially in the past several months. FYI, the Moose Munch is now gurgling around in my tummy and my tummy is pretty happy about it. Thank you Moose Munch, I am so glad you are not really a Moose.
I am round. It is cold outside and I am packing on the blubber, I expect to go into hibernation at any moment. Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Or...wait, what do Bears say? ROOOOARRRRRRRRR! ~ Waddles Back To Hibernation Cave ~
I like salt, caffeine, sugar, cheese, peanut butter, wine and the occasional cigarette. I like all the things that are bad for me. I like all the things that are good for me too, I like almost all food and drink and know I am blessed to NOT be a "selective" eater...cuz there are so many delicious things to consume it's almost maddening to think of. What I don't really like is that my metabolism is noticeably pokey these days and I, unfortunately, have not been blessed with the ability to eat whatever I want and look simply dashing doing so.
THEN I've got the "I'm stressed so I'll start grazing" munchies. I'm a little tense these days, admittedly. Who wouldn't be? I'm buying a house, slammed at work, have "sort-of" quite smoking, I have a 13 year old who loves to torment me and a 33 year old who apparently also takes great joy in giving me a damn hard time AND it's the freaking Holidays. Don't even talk to me about money. What I want to know is, why then can't I be one of those people who gets THINNER when stressed? You know what I mean? Well not me, no maam. I just get hungrier and do tend to work out more, but that does NOTHING when you eat a whole bag of Moose Munch and a freaking peanut butter ball for your snack at your sedentary job where you sit for 8 - 10 hours a day. Nope, that is NOT conducive to a sleek and cellulite free body, nope nope nope.
Danget, where's that Moose Munch?
So, I'm done with that whole rant. I mostly just wanted everyone to know that I am a big round jiggly and giggly fruit now. Don't be alarmed when you see me. You'll be able to spot me by the long blonde hair atop my gigantic Mango head, supported by my huge Pear shaped body.
My primary concern at this point is that I may spontaneously combust into a large pitcher of Mango Juice which will make a huge mess in my cube or car.
I have officially "blossomed" into the round, semi-gelatinous tree fruit that is my namesake.
Main Entry: man·go
Pronunciation: 'ma[ng]-(")gO
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural mangoes also mangos
Etymology: Portuguese manga, probably from Malayalam mAnna
1 : a tropical fruit commonly with a firm yellowish red skin, hard central stone, and juicy aromatic pulp; also : an evergreen tree (Mangifera indica) of the cashew family that bears mangoes
Thanks Chance, I hope you are happy ;-)
I just consumed a gigantic bag of Moose Munch. 8 oz. of dark chocolate, almondy crunch-n-munch goodness. Before that I ate a round chocolate ball filled with gooey gummy peanut butter.
For lunch I ate a bowl of very healthy, low sodium vegetable soup and quickly added about 3 good pinches of salt and pepper to it. Sort of defeats the purpose doesn't it? Chance would KILL me if he knew I had a secret stash of salt in my drawer at work.
For breakfast I ate a bowl of very healthy oatmeal with and then promptly drank 4 cups off coffee with cocoa in it. OMG....CHOCOLATE in my COFFEE! That's right kids, I stirred chocolate into my coffee cuz cream and sugar just wasn't cutting it this morning.
I am developing cube butt and my middle has grown exponentially in the past several months. FYI, the Moose Munch is now gurgling around in my tummy and my tummy is pretty happy about it. Thank you Moose Munch, I am so glad you are not really a Moose.
I am round. It is cold outside and I am packing on the blubber, I expect to go into hibernation at any moment. Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Or...wait, what do Bears say? ROOOOARRRRRRRRR! ~ Waddles Back To Hibernation Cave ~
I like salt, caffeine, sugar, cheese, peanut butter, wine and the occasional cigarette. I like all the things that are bad for me. I like all the things that are good for me too, I like almost all food and drink and know I am blessed to NOT be a "selective" eater...cuz there are so many delicious things to consume it's almost maddening to think of. What I don't really like is that my metabolism is noticeably pokey these days and I, unfortunately, have not been blessed with the ability to eat whatever I want and look simply dashing doing so.
THEN I've got the "I'm stressed so I'll start grazing" munchies. I'm a little tense these days, admittedly. Who wouldn't be? I'm buying a house, slammed at work, have "sort-of" quite smoking, I have a 13 year old who loves to torment me and a 33 year old who apparently also takes great joy in giving me a damn hard time AND it's the freaking Holidays. Don't even talk to me about money. What I want to know is, why then can't I be one of those people who gets THINNER when stressed? You know what I mean? Well not me, no maam. I just get hungrier and do tend to work out more, but that does NOTHING when you eat a whole bag of Moose Munch and a freaking peanut butter ball for your snack at your sedentary job where you sit for 8 - 10 hours a day. Nope, that is NOT conducive to a sleek and cellulite free body, nope nope nope.
Danget, where's that Moose Munch?
So, I'm done with that whole rant. I mostly just wanted everyone to know that I am a big round jiggly and giggly fruit now. Don't be alarmed when you see me. You'll be able to spot me by the long blonde hair atop my gigantic Mango head, supported by my huge Pear shaped body.
My primary concern at this point is that I may spontaneously combust into a large pitcher of Mango Juice which will make a huge mess in my cube or car.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Whoooaaaa Nelly!
Um...it's like Windy and stuff:)
For any of you living in the Denver area you know what I am referring one of the blustery days I've ever witnessed in Colorado. It's a little unsettling, not too mention totally and completely freezing. But it is part of winter here, at least some of the time and I've always thought of the Wind as Mother Earth's way of very blatantly providing us with information of some sort or another. A warning, a sign, a sweet caress on a warm day. Wind is powerful and gentle all at the same time, no matter the intensity I always listen.
That said, I managed to avoid 2 boxes and 1 plastic garbage can (yes, GARBAGE can) on the way to work. One box almost slammed right into me from the other side of the highway on the way in, doubt it would've done damage to The Baby Jetta, but it startled me nonetheless. The garbage can was bouncing all around my exit off I25 to work and seemed to be mocking me more than anything, I'd steer away from it and it seemed to go the same way, steer the other direction. It was following me, I'm sure of it.! The highway was a challenge and I am thankful I made it without serious incident.
I am wrapping up the final pieces of documentation required in order to process my loan agreement with the lender. The inspection piece is completed and the sellers have agreed to the terms and conditions of items they must fix and/or address before we move in. The appraisal will be scheduled for next week and things are moving quickly, but smoothly. Every day we work through this process is another day in which I am reminded of how blessed and loved we are. Everyone has been so amazing, I am overwhelmed and overcome and grateful all at the same time. I think I may just need to pack the magnitude of this generosity in the depths of my heart for right now as trying to absorb it on top of going through the actual process of buying a home is probably a little much for anyone.
The weekend was a joyous one, tho exhausting to be frank. I had little baby Evan for the night on Friday and most of the day on Saturday. He's so sweet and I do enjoy him tremendously, so that was nice. I enjoy his little baby giggles and smiles and coo's and warmth, he provides an escape that is unlike any other.
We then went bowling and I mopped the floor with Chance and Max. I'm a good bowler and yes I am gloating, but it's cuz it's the ONLY thing I am at par with the guys on, otherwise, they kick my butt at EVERYTHING. Good thing I'm not pouty about it, but I will take my 15 minutes in the spotlight when needed:) After bowling we invited the gang over for dinner and some video games and what not.
I did need some girl time with Rhi and I am happy she could oblige. It's amazing how just verbalizing a thought or working through an emotion with another person can put things in perspective, I am glad she could listen as it helped me sort out some things I already knew the answers to but needed to just spit out in words. Also got to talk with Crystal which was such a treat, I miss her so and I enjoy hearing her voice. I miss our talks. Crys was at the fun store, we shared a few silly jokes and it was time for us to part temporarily. The remainder of the evening was fairly quiet and as always, I enjoyed my time with Matt and Rhi tremendously. I am also pleased to be getting to know Sam on a more personal level, I've always found him interesting and am happy to be learning more about his experiences and who he is.
Unfortunately, I did pay for staying up too late with the "kids", I am learning very quickly that my body doesn't bounce back like it used to from little sleep and it takes me days to recover when my routine is broken. Ah well, like everything else I am still finding the balance.
Sunday afternoon I spent some time with Max, talking about the new house and just snuggling him. He's pretty excited and I know he's going to love the new place, he's a great kid albeit an ornery one on occasion, but over I couldn't ask for more.
Last night C and I planned to have some quiet time to ourselves, but that did not pan out as I was soooo tired I fell asleep on his arm and that was that. mmmm, sleep good. So tonight, we will have quiet time after we clean up the house and make sure Max has everything ready for tomorrow. Tomorrow night is his first band concert, I'm excited;)
I should get to work. The townhouse is definitely consuming a lot of my resources, so I am having to make up time at work where I can. This means missed lunches and nose to the grindstone when I am not picking up a fax from my realtor or on the phone with my lender....talk about juggling, I should be good at this.
FYI: I'm telling everyone not to take it personal if I am not in touch or you've not heard from me much, especially given the time of year. It's not personal and I love you all. Oh and by the way, 2.5 weeks and counting till we move....whooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Nelly!
For any of you living in the Denver area you know what I am referring one of the blustery days I've ever witnessed in Colorado. It's a little unsettling, not too mention totally and completely freezing. But it is part of winter here, at least some of the time and I've always thought of the Wind as Mother Earth's way of very blatantly providing us with information of some sort or another. A warning, a sign, a sweet caress on a warm day. Wind is powerful and gentle all at the same time, no matter the intensity I always listen.
That said, I managed to avoid 2 boxes and 1 plastic garbage can (yes, GARBAGE can) on the way to work. One box almost slammed right into me from the other side of the highway on the way in, doubt it would've done damage to The Baby Jetta, but it startled me nonetheless. The garbage can was bouncing all around my exit off I25 to work and seemed to be mocking me more than anything, I'd steer away from it and it seemed to go the same way, steer the other direction. It was following me, I'm sure of it.! The highway was a challenge and I am thankful I made it without serious incident.
I am wrapping up the final pieces of documentation required in order to process my loan agreement with the lender. The inspection piece is completed and the sellers have agreed to the terms and conditions of items they must fix and/or address before we move in. The appraisal will be scheduled for next week and things are moving quickly, but smoothly. Every day we work through this process is another day in which I am reminded of how blessed and loved we are. Everyone has been so amazing, I am overwhelmed and overcome and grateful all at the same time. I think I may just need to pack the magnitude of this generosity in the depths of my heart for right now as trying to absorb it on top of going through the actual process of buying a home is probably a little much for anyone.
The weekend was a joyous one, tho exhausting to be frank. I had little baby Evan for the night on Friday and most of the day on Saturday. He's so sweet and I do enjoy him tremendously, so that was nice. I enjoy his little baby giggles and smiles and coo's and warmth, he provides an escape that is unlike any other.
We then went bowling and I mopped the floor with Chance and Max. I'm a good bowler and yes I am gloating, but it's cuz it's the ONLY thing I am at par with the guys on, otherwise, they kick my butt at EVERYTHING. Good thing I'm not pouty about it, but I will take my 15 minutes in the spotlight when needed:) After bowling we invited the gang over for dinner and some video games and what not.
I did need some girl time with Rhi and I am happy she could oblige. It's amazing how just verbalizing a thought or working through an emotion with another person can put things in perspective, I am glad she could listen as it helped me sort out some things I already knew the answers to but needed to just spit out in words. Also got to talk with Crystal which was such a treat, I miss her so and I enjoy hearing her voice. I miss our talks. Crys was at the fun store, we shared a few silly jokes and it was time for us to part temporarily. The remainder of the evening was fairly quiet and as always, I enjoyed my time with Matt and Rhi tremendously. I am also pleased to be getting to know Sam on a more personal level, I've always found him interesting and am happy to be learning more about his experiences and who he is.
Unfortunately, I did pay for staying up too late with the "kids", I am learning very quickly that my body doesn't bounce back like it used to from little sleep and it takes me days to recover when my routine is broken. Ah well, like everything else I am still finding the balance.
Sunday afternoon I spent some time with Max, talking about the new house and just snuggling him. He's pretty excited and I know he's going to love the new place, he's a great kid albeit an ornery one on occasion, but over I couldn't ask for more.
Last night C and I planned to have some quiet time to ourselves, but that did not pan out as I was soooo tired I fell asleep on his arm and that was that. mmmm, sleep good. So tonight, we will have quiet time after we clean up the house and make sure Max has everything ready for tomorrow. Tomorrow night is his first band concert, I'm excited;)
I should get to work. The townhouse is definitely consuming a lot of my resources, so I am having to make up time at work where I can. This means missed lunches and nose to the grindstone when I am not picking up a fax from my realtor or on the phone with my lender....talk about juggling, I should be good at this.
FYI: I'm telling everyone not to take it personal if I am not in touch or you've not heard from me much, especially given the time of year. It's not personal and I love you all. Oh and by the way, 2.5 weeks and counting till we move....whooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Nelly!
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Oatmeal With A Fork? Ok, that'll work...
Yes boys and girls, it's that time again where I am attempting to eat oatmeal with a fork at work as I have no spoon today and our company is much to cheap to supply any sort of plasticware for our breakfeast and/or lunchtime pleasure. But I don't mind, becuase so far it's going well. It's the bottom of the bowl where the fork situation gets tricky. I also don't mind that my company is cheap about such things, they take pretty good care of us over all.
Next.
After a rather annoying moody day yesterday, I am feeling tip top today and ready to get going. I am pretty excited about the inspection today, mostly becuz it gives me an opportunity to ooooh and ahhhhh and MY (yes, MY! okay...I guess it's Max and Chances too) new digs. I can't wait to grin and smile and start taking measurements for the window coverings and really hope that there's nothing terribley wrong during the inspection.
Work of course is very busy, one thing I know for sure about life is that just becuase something life altering is going on in your immediate world, the rest of the world does not cease to stop moving. Danget. And here all this time I thought it was all about me ;-P
In other news, the 15 year old Orange Noise Monster now wakes me up at 5:30 each morning with her insessant mewing and sitting on my head. I have not decided if this is a positive thing or not, I am not an early riser generally but I am trying to make my mornings more usefull...perhaps Punky is here to help with that.
And finally....as if it was a big surprise that Alito was uber conservative and definately tips the scales (as if they needed tipping) in the Supreme Court...there it is quite clear that his stance on abortion and womens productive health will continue to complicate the issue and Planned Parenthood attorneys will certainly not be unemployed anytime soon. What bugs me is how sneaky he is about it, at least stand your ground if your going to have an option!
Next.
After a rather annoying moody day yesterday, I am feeling tip top today and ready to get going. I am pretty excited about the inspection today, mostly becuz it gives me an opportunity to ooooh and ahhhhh and MY (yes, MY! okay...I guess it's Max and Chances too) new digs. I can't wait to grin and smile and start taking measurements for the window coverings and really hope that there's nothing terribley wrong during the inspection.
Work of course is very busy, one thing I know for sure about life is that just becuase something life altering is going on in your immediate world, the rest of the world does not cease to stop moving. Danget. And here all this time I thought it was all about me ;-P
In other news, the 15 year old Orange Noise Monster now wakes me up at 5:30 each morning with her insessant mewing and sitting on my head. I have not decided if this is a positive thing or not, I am not an early riser generally but I am trying to make my mornings more usefull...perhaps Punky is here to help with that.
And finally....as if it was a big surprise that Alito was uber conservative and definately tips the scales (as if they needed tipping) in the Supreme Court...there it is quite clear that his stance on abortion and womens productive health will continue to complicate the issue and Planned Parenthood attorneys will certainly not be unemployed anytime soon. What bugs me is how sneaky he is about it, at least stand your ground if your going to have an option!
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
A Mood....
In a mood today, some funk trying me on for size today I guess.
It feels like I am in that place where I have so much to communicate but no one to communicate it to. That probably sounds strange when one considers the amount of love and warmth that is in my life, but mostly I guess I just feel like the issues at hand are issues I must process internally for the time being. This is still a new aspiration of mine, processing internally I mean. I am such an obviously extroverted person and I tend to just dump my thoughts on others without thinking them through. Generally it is just understood by most in my life that this is naturally how I function...but it doesn't mean I don't wish I were a little less likely to blurt something out in an excited blast of information and rather let it ease out like a grown up and less like that pig-tailed little girl I used to be but still find myself acting like a lot of the time.
I am the bounciest Tigger that ever was, I am sure of it.
Still, it's a lonely sort of place right now. I am not quite sure how to describe it and there is a pang of guilt in my heart for feeling so lonely when I have so much positivity ciricling around me and I can clearly see it in everything.
sigh.
Someday I will better understand my little fluctuations, maybe. For now, I just ride the bumpy little waves until it passes and try not to take life too seriously.
On a side note, we are doing the house inspection tomorrow. I am looking forward to that very much, it will be when all of our "investors" will also be present and able to review the property. I feel so thankful for the generousity of others, I'm still panicking about money...but it's a manageable panic.
More later, cheers.
It feels like I am in that place where I have so much to communicate but no one to communicate it to. That probably sounds strange when one considers the amount of love and warmth that is in my life, but mostly I guess I just feel like the issues at hand are issues I must process internally for the time being. This is still a new aspiration of mine, processing internally I mean. I am such an obviously extroverted person and I tend to just dump my thoughts on others without thinking them through. Generally it is just understood by most in my life that this is naturally how I function...but it doesn't mean I don't wish I were a little less likely to blurt something out in an excited blast of information and rather let it ease out like a grown up and less like that pig-tailed little girl I used to be but still find myself acting like a lot of the time.
I am the bounciest Tigger that ever was, I am sure of it.
Still, it's a lonely sort of place right now. I am not quite sure how to describe it and there is a pang of guilt in my heart for feeling so lonely when I have so much positivity ciricling around me and I can clearly see it in everything.
sigh.
Someday I will better understand my little fluctuations, maybe. For now, I just ride the bumpy little waves until it passes and try not to take life too seriously.
On a side note, we are doing the house inspection tomorrow. I am looking forward to that very much, it will be when all of our "investors" will also be present and able to review the property. I feel so thankful for the generousity of others, I'm still panicking about money...but it's a manageable panic.
More later, cheers.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Where To Begin....
Ah were to begin? It was nothing less than an eventful Holiday for numerous reasons...let's recap shall we;
Wednesday Evening:
Met with the Realtor (also known as Mother Theresa incarnate) to review paper work and sign the offer contract. Signed my life away on the dotted line after feeling like I didn't understand a single word she just said but did a lot of nodding and smiling and really hoping my subconscious was absorbing all of the detail because mostly I was daydreaming about our new townhouse. My stomach has been in knots since.
Thursday:
Awoke to Realtor phoning me to let me know that the Agent did not accept our initial offer and they refuse to budge on the price, they want full listing price and will only pay a percent of our closings costs. C and I looked at each other annoyed, but agreed to the terms as it does seem fair and I'm not loosing my house over such a silly detail.
I am in a terribly foul mood for some reason Thursday morning and walk around barking orders at the boys and feeling extremely irritable. At one point I began to cry at Chance over something really silly and he hugged me and told me to calm down and everything would be fine. He was right. I think it was house-stress.
We went to C's mom's for dinner, which was lovely and I felt very warm and comfortable. Mom and I were not able to make Thanksgiving happen together this year...conflicting schedules and priorities, I'm not sure she was terribly broke up about it, I don't think either of us were. Just doesn't always work out, tho it felt strange to spend the 1st Thanksgiving without her since our California days. Bless Gayle's heart for treating us to a wonderful meal and welcoming environment.
Then my whole day was made when Gayle (C's mom) said I could call on her Vonage line for free anywhere except Alaska and Hawaii and I jumped on that opportunity immediately. I haven't heard my GramE's voice in quite some time, it meant the world to me. Aunty MB sounded pleased, as did Kenari. Grandpa's voice is always a comfort to me, our history is a unique one. As I grow older I am more able to appreciate all they did for me as a child and I miss them so very much, they very clearly define the picture of kindness and truly unconditional love. Speaking with them was really the highlight of my whole weekend!
We went home in a food coma and promptly fell asleep with big smiles and warm hearts.
Friday:
Woke up very early and not quite ready to face the day yet, met up with Realtor to sign new contract and C joined me for a long walk around Sloans Lake after Gayle reviewed the contract. She's really been so supportive, there is no way we could do this without her or Mary and Howard, financially or otherwise. What a blessing they are to us.
Friday afternoon played Tiger Woods Golf with Max and got ready to head over to Rhi's for the evening. I very desperately needed to get out of that house, I get cabin fever something fierce when I am cooped up to long with no release. I "released" Friday evening by getting pretty damn tipsy with my buds. Rhi and I had girl fun and spent hours talking and giggling and she was pretty intent on dropping her phone over the balcony, Matt made us a fire (yay Matty!) Sam provided us with much entertainment as we threw his laundry all over the house and Chance and I caught smiles from each other after a very hectic and stressful few days. Huge score occurred when I found Rhi on the phone with Crystal in Seattle and we gabbed for a good hour I think, I miss her so much. It was great to hear her voice. Much fun was had by all, my friends are the greatest I totally adore them all.
Saturday:
Woke up after virtually no sleep and head over to pick up Max from Justin & Colleens and to watch the wee little one for a few hours for Mom & Dad. Evan is so cute, we had a blast. He kept trying to eat my hand and managed to puke on Aunty Sarah for the 3 time in as many visits, he gets quite a kick out of it I think. I don't mind, I've been waiting for Baby Evan for a while now, he can hurl on me to his little hearts content. I'm sure it won't be the last time:)
Took Max home and ate pizza and popcorn all day long and watched Taken (it's a Steven Spielburg series we are watching on DVD) I fell asleep at about 8:30 I think...I was a done deal.
Sunday:
Woke up bright and early and ready to enjoy my last day of a great weekend. Picked up the house, and conned Chance into doing some window shopping for furniture/light fixtures/etc..etc...it was a blast. We discovered two things: a) C and I have almost identical taste in decor and b) Window coverings, light fixtures and much of the other small things we looked at are far more affordable then we thought. Tho I'm sure it adds up quickly, but it gives us hope that we will slowly but surely be able to mold our home into what we envision.
In the afternoon we played yet more Golf and I was the one getting conned into this shoot 'em up game that was pretty fun once I got the hang of it, C took great pleasure and taking me out and Max promptly took him out...ah the ways of males, it's an interesting dynamic. I don't try to understand it, I just giggle and watch.
I then got a surprise phone call from Kristen and we gabbed about the house and her family and life, I miss her too. She's always got my back.
C and I then retired in front of the TV for a Rob Zombie horror flick called the Devils Rejects, I am a huge horror movie fan. I like old, new, classic B, whatever...I'll watch it. I don't get scared, well sometimes...Chance likes to yell or grab me right at those pivotal moments in the movies...but usually it's just a strange fascination of mine. This movie is not his best, the first one was MUCH better. There are definitely some moments that are disturbing, but mostly it's totally anti-climatic. I do love Zombie though, he's got a style all his own and you know when you reading or listening or watching something Zombie Inspired.
Chance and I then went to sleep and getting up wasn't to bad today, but I could've easily done with some more time off. I want to work on house stuff more:)
There's so much to be done, I expect the next month of my life to be insane. We are scheduled to close December 22nd 2005, this means we will be in our new house for the Holidays. I am so so so SO blessed, it's amazing. I am finding myself completely overwhelmed at my good fortune.
Love to you all - happy happy day!
Wednesday Evening:
Met with the Realtor (also known as Mother Theresa incarnate) to review paper work and sign the offer contract. Signed my life away on the dotted line after feeling like I didn't understand a single word she just said but did a lot of nodding and smiling and really hoping my subconscious was absorbing all of the detail because mostly I was daydreaming about our new townhouse. My stomach has been in knots since.
Thursday:
Awoke to Realtor phoning me to let me know that the Agent did not accept our initial offer and they refuse to budge on the price, they want full listing price and will only pay a percent of our closings costs. C and I looked at each other annoyed, but agreed to the terms as it does seem fair and I'm not loosing my house over such a silly detail.
I am in a terribly foul mood for some reason Thursday morning and walk around barking orders at the boys and feeling extremely irritable. At one point I began to cry at Chance over something really silly and he hugged me and told me to calm down and everything would be fine. He was right. I think it was house-stress.
We went to C's mom's for dinner, which was lovely and I felt very warm and comfortable. Mom and I were not able to make Thanksgiving happen together this year...conflicting schedules and priorities, I'm not sure she was terribly broke up about it, I don't think either of us were. Just doesn't always work out, tho it felt strange to spend the 1st Thanksgiving without her since our California days. Bless Gayle's heart for treating us to a wonderful meal and welcoming environment.
Then my whole day was made when Gayle (C's mom) said I could call on her Vonage line for free anywhere except Alaska and Hawaii and I jumped on that opportunity immediately. I haven't heard my GramE's voice in quite some time, it meant the world to me. Aunty MB sounded pleased, as did Kenari. Grandpa's voice is always a comfort to me, our history is a unique one. As I grow older I am more able to appreciate all they did for me as a child and I miss them so very much, they very clearly define the picture of kindness and truly unconditional love. Speaking with them was really the highlight of my whole weekend!
We went home in a food coma and promptly fell asleep with big smiles and warm hearts.
Friday:
Woke up very early and not quite ready to face the day yet, met up with Realtor to sign new contract and C joined me for a long walk around Sloans Lake after Gayle reviewed the contract. She's really been so supportive, there is no way we could do this without her or Mary and Howard, financially or otherwise. What a blessing they are to us.
Friday afternoon played Tiger Woods Golf with Max and got ready to head over to Rhi's for the evening. I very desperately needed to get out of that house, I get cabin fever something fierce when I am cooped up to long with no release. I "released" Friday evening by getting pretty damn tipsy with my buds. Rhi and I had girl fun and spent hours talking and giggling and she was pretty intent on dropping her phone over the balcony, Matt made us a fire (yay Matty!) Sam provided us with much entertainment as we threw his laundry all over the house and Chance and I caught smiles from each other after a very hectic and stressful few days. Huge score occurred when I found Rhi on the phone with Crystal in Seattle and we gabbed for a good hour I think, I miss her so much. It was great to hear her voice. Much fun was had by all, my friends are the greatest I totally adore them all.
Saturday:
Woke up after virtually no sleep and head over to pick up Max from Justin & Colleens and to watch the wee little one for a few hours for Mom & Dad. Evan is so cute, we had a blast. He kept trying to eat my hand and managed to puke on Aunty Sarah for the 3 time in as many visits, he gets quite a kick out of it I think. I don't mind, I've been waiting for Baby Evan for a while now, he can hurl on me to his little hearts content. I'm sure it won't be the last time:)
Took Max home and ate pizza and popcorn all day long and watched Taken (it's a Steven Spielburg series we are watching on DVD) I fell asleep at about 8:30 I think...I was a done deal.
Sunday:
Woke up bright and early and ready to enjoy my last day of a great weekend. Picked up the house, and conned Chance into doing some window shopping for furniture/light fixtures/etc..etc...it was a blast. We discovered two things: a) C and I have almost identical taste in decor and b) Window coverings, light fixtures and much of the other small things we looked at are far more affordable then we thought. Tho I'm sure it adds up quickly, but it gives us hope that we will slowly but surely be able to mold our home into what we envision.
In the afternoon we played yet more Golf and I was the one getting conned into this shoot 'em up game that was pretty fun once I got the hang of it, C took great pleasure and taking me out and Max promptly took him out...ah the ways of males, it's an interesting dynamic. I don't try to understand it, I just giggle and watch.
I then got a surprise phone call from Kristen and we gabbed about the house and her family and life, I miss her too. She's always got my back.
C and I then retired in front of the TV for a Rob Zombie horror flick called the Devils Rejects, I am a huge horror movie fan. I like old, new, classic B, whatever...I'll watch it. I don't get scared, well sometimes...Chance likes to yell or grab me right at those pivotal moments in the movies...but usually it's just a strange fascination of mine. This movie is not his best, the first one was MUCH better. There are definitely some moments that are disturbing, but mostly it's totally anti-climatic. I do love Zombie though, he's got a style all his own and you know when you reading or listening or watching something Zombie Inspired.
Chance and I then went to sleep and getting up wasn't to bad today, but I could've easily done with some more time off. I want to work on house stuff more:)
There's so much to be done, I expect the next month of my life to be insane. We are scheduled to close December 22nd 2005, this means we will be in our new house for the Holidays. I am so so so SO blessed, it's amazing. I am finding myself completely overwhelmed at my good fortune.
Love to you all - happy happy day!
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Survey Says....HOLY CRAP!
Oh the many reasons to give thanks....the past 4 days have consisted of:
a) Meet with new realtor
b) Review several really awful properties
c) Stumble onto townhome of our dream within our price range that literally appeared out of no where
d) Meet with realtor again
e) Scramble to figure out financing, money down, earnest, who's paying what (insert Real Estate jargon here)
f) 24 hours of anxious waiting for financing approval
g) Getting ready to go into contract negotiations
It's been insane, let me tell you. I can't believe how quickly this has all happened, it's a little overwhelming but mostly so completely exciting it's hard to contain myself. Here's the deal on the townhouse:
a) 1694 sq. feet (C and I are arguing over how much it really has including the lawn and patio?)
b) Brand new everything...appliances (literally, the tags are still on them) paint, carpeting, countertops
c) 2 huge master bedrooms, 1 full bath, 1 half bath
d) 3 levels - top level = bedrooms/full bath, middle level = living room kitchen, bottom level = partially finished basement/laundry/storage
e) Within Max's school district so he can finally ride the school bus to and fro
f) Residential neighborhood so we don't feel like we are living in an apartment complex
g) It's basically row housing, people on either side but the walls are cement on one side and thick on the other so we shouldn't hear much
h) Bathroom tile is very nice and updated
i) Very spacious feel/tall ceilings and open rooms
i) It's basically ready to move in
So now the real fun starts...I'm in shock but this feels right and we are running with it. Everyone is pretty damn excited and I can't believe how helpful Mary & Howard have been and Chance's Mom...there is NO way we could do this without them. It's amazing how loved we are, I can't even believe it. It's time like this when the people in your life go to bat for you that it's hard to find the words, you know?
I've been fighting off the tears for days, this place will make the world of difference for us....it's pretty amazing. I truly have everything I could want, it's totally overwhelming.
Wish us luck all:)
Peace!
a) Meet with new realtor
b) Review several really awful properties
c) Stumble onto townhome of our dream within our price range that literally appeared out of no where
d) Meet with realtor again
e) Scramble to figure out financing, money down, earnest, who's paying what (insert Real Estate jargon here)
f) 24 hours of anxious waiting for financing approval
g) Getting ready to go into contract negotiations
It's been insane, let me tell you. I can't believe how quickly this has all happened, it's a little overwhelming but mostly so completely exciting it's hard to contain myself. Here's the deal on the townhouse:
a) 1694 sq. feet (C and I are arguing over how much it really has including the lawn and patio?)
b) Brand new everything...appliances (literally, the tags are still on them) paint, carpeting, countertops
c) 2 huge master bedrooms, 1 full bath, 1 half bath
d) 3 levels - top level = bedrooms/full bath, middle level = living room kitchen, bottom level = partially finished basement/laundry/storage
e) Within Max's school district so he can finally ride the school bus to and fro
f) Residential neighborhood so we don't feel like we are living in an apartment complex
g) It's basically row housing, people on either side but the walls are cement on one side and thick on the other so we shouldn't hear much
h) Bathroom tile is very nice and updated
i) Very spacious feel/tall ceilings and open rooms
i) It's basically ready to move in
So now the real fun starts...I'm in shock but this feels right and we are running with it. Everyone is pretty damn excited and I can't believe how helpful Mary & Howard have been and Chance's Mom...there is NO way we could do this without them. It's amazing how loved we are, I can't even believe it. It's time like this when the people in your life go to bat for you that it's hard to find the words, you know?
I've been fighting off the tears for days, this place will make the world of difference for us....it's pretty amazing. I truly have everything I could want, it's totally overwhelming.
Wish us luck all:)
Peace!
Thursday, November 17, 2005
FYI....
Just an FYI to notify that I have not, in fact, fallen off the face of the earth; which I am very happy to report;)
I am however, knee deep in the reality of daily life that has some how become increasingly demanding in the past 2 weeks.
It has something to do with:
- 4 Month Old Babies (yay)
- Kitty Cats (yay)
- Cranky Clients (Let's not start)
- Non-Compliant Code & Versioning Issues (I didn't do it!)
- Purchasing A Home With Virtually No Money (YEEEHAW, What A Ride!)
- 13 Year Old Boys (The only person who smiles at me every day!)
- 33 Year Old Boys (The only person who hugs me every day!)
- Grocery Shopping (Funds that could be applied elsewhere)
- House Cleaning (boooo!)
- Attempting To Avoid Hatred For Mad Cowboys! (yeah, you know the one)
- Laundry Piles That Don't Dissapate On Their Own (crappie!)
- Birthday Parties (Cheers)
- Long Term Planning (Mentally Draining)
- Holidays!!! (Already? Whaaa?)
Etc...etc...eteceteraaaaaa.
Not a complaint, only a long list of project and people that require both attention and support and there is only so much Blonde Bouncy Goodness to go around. I've thought of investing in one of those gadgets that Wily. E. Coyote from Looney Toons had...something that would allow me to do several things at once with various tools and clamps and such...but they always blew up in his face, so that can't be healthy.
Perhaps I will simply have to take a moment to breath very deeply and know that I am in demand, I am loved and the freaking laundry is always going to be there so simply willing it to dissappear is unlikely and wasting my energy. I could've already put it all away by now, with how many times I've glared at that pile. CRAP!
Peace all...I'm off to pick up my 14 year old cat with no teeth and a gigantic attitude problem. Wish me luck.
I am however, knee deep in the reality of daily life that has some how become increasingly demanding in the past 2 weeks.
It has something to do with:
- 4 Month Old Babies (yay)
- Kitty Cats (yay)
- Cranky Clients (Let's not start)
- Non-Compliant Code & Versioning Issues (I didn't do it!)
- Purchasing A Home With Virtually No Money (YEEEHAW, What A Ride!)
- 13 Year Old Boys (The only person who smiles at me every day!)
- 33 Year Old Boys (The only person who hugs me every day!)
- Grocery Shopping (Funds that could be applied elsewhere)
- House Cleaning (boooo!)
- Attempting To Avoid Hatred For Mad Cowboys! (yeah, you know the one)
- Laundry Piles That Don't Dissapate On Their Own (crappie!)
- Birthday Parties (Cheers)
- Long Term Planning (Mentally Draining)
- Holidays!!! (Already? Whaaa?)
Etc...etc...eteceteraaaaaa.
Not a complaint, only a long list of project and people that require both attention and support and there is only so much Blonde Bouncy Goodness to go around. I've thought of investing in one of those gadgets that Wily. E. Coyote from Looney Toons had...something that would allow me to do several things at once with various tools and clamps and such...but they always blew up in his face, so that can't be healthy.
Perhaps I will simply have to take a moment to breath very deeply and know that I am in demand, I am loved and the freaking laundry is always going to be there so simply willing it to dissappear is unlikely and wasting my energy. I could've already put it all away by now, with how many times I've glared at that pile. CRAP!
Peace all...I'm off to pick up my 14 year old cat with no teeth and a gigantic attitude problem. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Random Thoughts For Wednesdays....
Random Thoughts For Wednesdays....
Max is bathing in cologne these day, I just so happen to know the source. Her name is Kayle and she is currently the apple of Max's big blue eyes. He is not open about it and I do not pester him, but I have "sources." It helps to have a gossipy niece in his Math class:)
It smelled like Burger King when I came in the office today. I deplore fast food. It is so completely disgusting and though admittedly it is convenient and even I stoop to that point when I am being lazy or chosing to ignore what I am consuming, I don't think I would be entirely bothered if I never had to smell that horrible greasy fried odor again. blech.
In other and more pleasant news, I have had some extremely rewarding and positive realizations about my work situation which only days ago felt damp and quite bleak. The nature of this biz is to problem solve, put out fires and play the game with client. I've also allowed my last position and the individual who supervised me to follow me into this situation, even more than I had originally thought. Couple all of this with a good healthy dose of one very onery client and you've got my current position. Which, when you consider how I am being supervised and the sort of organization this is, is far from intolerable. In fact, when I look around me...I am not the only one being whined at by their clients, I am not the only who has made a mistake and I am in a unique position here, which is clear to all and I am supported tremendously. I lost perspective along the way and became embedded in the negative, sometimes it takes a kick in the rear to realize that. This does not change my direction regarding non-profit work and what that means over all, but it I feel more hopeful about the immediate situation and am finding there is still much for me to find here.
CMan and I have been having some very intense conversation and debates as of late. From all sides of the spectrum and topics, we've certainley been airing our thoughts, drawing boundaries and testing the limits. It is enlightening for me personally and though these communications can result in intense emotions and feelings from the sweetest of kisses to the largest of tears, I sense only a stregthening in our bond, which is beautiful and unique.
Politically the world seems ablaze with scandal and uprisings and issues we must consider in our futures together. However painful and uncomfortable the change, it is nessisary in order to evolve and I believe that is what our world culture is doing at this very moment, evolving right before our eyes.
Off to work, tally ho yo...hope this finds all well and loved.
Max is bathing in cologne these day, I just so happen to know the source. Her name is Kayle and she is currently the apple of Max's big blue eyes. He is not open about it and I do not pester him, but I have "sources." It helps to have a gossipy niece in his Math class:)
It smelled like Burger King when I came in the office today. I deplore fast food. It is so completely disgusting and though admittedly it is convenient and even I stoop to that point when I am being lazy or chosing to ignore what I am consuming, I don't think I would be entirely bothered if I never had to smell that horrible greasy fried odor again. blech.
In other and more pleasant news, I have had some extremely rewarding and positive realizations about my work situation which only days ago felt damp and quite bleak. The nature of this biz is to problem solve, put out fires and play the game with client. I've also allowed my last position and the individual who supervised me to follow me into this situation, even more than I had originally thought. Couple all of this with a good healthy dose of one very onery client and you've got my current position. Which, when you consider how I am being supervised and the sort of organization this is, is far from intolerable. In fact, when I look around me...I am not the only one being whined at by their clients, I am not the only who has made a mistake and I am in a unique position here, which is clear to all and I am supported tremendously. I lost perspective along the way and became embedded in the negative, sometimes it takes a kick in the rear to realize that. This does not change my direction regarding non-profit work and what that means over all, but it I feel more hopeful about the immediate situation and am finding there is still much for me to find here.
CMan and I have been having some very intense conversation and debates as of late. From all sides of the spectrum and topics, we've certainley been airing our thoughts, drawing boundaries and testing the limits. It is enlightening for me personally and though these communications can result in intense emotions and feelings from the sweetest of kisses to the largest of tears, I sense only a stregthening in our bond, which is beautiful and unique.
Politically the world seems ablaze with scandal and uprisings and issues we must consider in our futures together. However painful and uncomfortable the change, it is nessisary in order to evolve and I believe that is what our world culture is doing at this very moment, evolving right before our eyes.
Off to work, tally ho yo...hope this finds all well and loved.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Some Thing To Hope For
I had a powerful rant built up in my head this morning; boy was someone going to get it. Dirty clothes, the habits of others and feeling unappreciated in the endless amount of work that never just does itself. Not really wanting to go to work at all, trying to find any viable reason to stay home and do something productive around my house because my work is lacking in that very thing at this moment, positive productivity.
But I managed to avoid blowing up at the Sleeping One in our bed and get Max to school without being directly cranky. Dropped Little Man off, turned on Amy Goodman (Democracy Now!) and began listening to the recordings of various speakers honoring Ms. Rosa Parks during her services on Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005.
The sounds of these voices and what they had to say was immediately moving and full of strength, far more powerful that any selfish and pouty little rant I could've put out to the universe about how unappreciated I am and how hard MY life is. I was instantly humbled. We all should be.
I've always subscribed to the idea that no one person's life experiences are any less or more substantial or meaningful than their neighbor's. This goes for leaders, public figures, artists, etc. We are all great in some way, we all have purpose and we all fulfill a life path designed for us and our interconnectivity with one another, spiritually or otherwise.
However, when I consider a woman like Rosa Parks or a leader like Mahatma Gandhi, I question this ideal I've held stead-fastly to all these years is tested. Only because how can one not admire and applaud the actions of individuals such as these? Possibly see them as a greater being then ones own self?
We know Rosa Parks wasn't the only individual to stand up and strike thought in the minds of others about civil injustice, but she was the first BLACK WOMAN to go public with it, in 1955. In the South.
We know Gandhi wasn't the first teaching a non-violent philosophy and unity in ourselves and within one another, this is traditional Buddhist practice.
When you process the very physiology behind what these people inhabit within their existence, you find flesh. Just as you and I are. Fallible and imperfect.
But when you process the action, I think that is where the answer lies. These invidious were not dynamic because they are or were any more or less "important" than you are, they did not have the answers to all the questions or a knowledge that we don't all inherently contain.
They were great because they were passionate. Because they inspired others. Because they gave a damn. Because they represented an ideal, a gift, something to strive for. Something to hope for.
Because they embraced and followed their path, openly, patiently and fearlessly. They were great because they did some thing to create change and forward thought.
They remind me that I am hardly suffering. That my energies may be best directed in healthier directions, directions that matter to the greater good, the greater love. They remind me that taking great risk is part of what creates the change. They remind me to be strong and say NO when it isn't right. Live with enthusiasm, to walk each day with integrity and give of myself openly. Mostly, they remind me to love generously and kindly.
I will always believe that not one of us is any less or more significant than the other, all life should be respected. I can though, certainly take into account the knowledge that it's what you do with it that resonates, not only for others but for your own spirit.
The next question is, what am I doing with "it" ?
But I managed to avoid blowing up at the Sleeping One in our bed and get Max to school without being directly cranky. Dropped Little Man off, turned on Amy Goodman (Democracy Now!) and began listening to the recordings of various speakers honoring Ms. Rosa Parks during her services on Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005.
The sounds of these voices and what they had to say was immediately moving and full of strength, far more powerful that any selfish and pouty little rant I could've put out to the universe about how unappreciated I am and how hard MY life is. I was instantly humbled. We all should be.
I've always subscribed to the idea that no one person's life experiences are any less or more substantial or meaningful than their neighbor's. This goes for leaders, public figures, artists, etc. We are all great in some way, we all have purpose and we all fulfill a life path designed for us and our interconnectivity with one another, spiritually or otherwise.
However, when I consider a woman like Rosa Parks or a leader like Mahatma Gandhi, I question this ideal I've held stead-fastly to all these years is tested. Only because how can one not admire and applaud the actions of individuals such as these? Possibly see them as a greater being then ones own self?
We know Rosa Parks wasn't the only individual to stand up and strike thought in the minds of others about civil injustice, but she was the first BLACK WOMAN to go public with it, in 1955. In the South.
We know Gandhi wasn't the first teaching a non-violent philosophy and unity in ourselves and within one another, this is traditional Buddhist practice.
When you process the very physiology behind what these people inhabit within their existence, you find flesh. Just as you and I are. Fallible and imperfect.
But when you process the action, I think that is where the answer lies. These invidious were not dynamic because they are or were any more or less "important" than you are, they did not have the answers to all the questions or a knowledge that we don't all inherently contain.
They were great because they were passionate. Because they inspired others. Because they gave a damn. Because they represented an ideal, a gift, something to strive for. Something to hope for.
Because they embraced and followed their path, openly, patiently and fearlessly. They were great because they did some thing to create change and forward thought.
They remind me that I am hardly suffering. That my energies may be best directed in healthier directions, directions that matter to the greater good, the greater love. They remind me that taking great risk is part of what creates the change. They remind me to be strong and say NO when it isn't right. Live with enthusiasm, to walk each day with integrity and give of myself openly. Mostly, they remind me to love generously and kindly.
I will always believe that not one of us is any less or more significant than the other, all life should be respected. I can though, certainly take into account the knowledge that it's what you do with it that resonates, not only for others but for your own spirit.
The next question is, what am I doing with "it" ?
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
"Issues"
It's been a stressful few weeks, probably the most stressful of this past year. Primarily due to the issues I am having at work and how unstable work situations sort of pre-empt life decisions. And as C keeps pointing out to me, when I am unhappy at work I bring it home and it does inadvertently effect everyone. I'm not very good at covering up things that might be bothering.
In reflection, the issues with the one "problem" client have been building for a little over 2 months, but have hit it's peak within this past week or so.
It's a long, detailed story full of jargon and information that won't make sense unless you work here. But the long and short of it is that my relationship with this particular client has grown increasingly tense, errors have been made on both sides and since this application is 5 plus years old and has not received anything but band-aids in that time period, we are not only facing communications conflicts but fighting the very technology needed to keep this project running. I think there are 3 fundamental reasons why the relationship has grown increasingly sour:
1) They've never been happy with my transition into the project from the get go. I've constantly been compared to the very talented young lady who had this position before me (who also worked on it 4 full years and knew every detail in and out.) I am not bitter about it, but I think they are. As soon as she was no longer my immediate mentor, the direct comparisons began and I was faced with "R never did it like that." or "R always knew what I meant when I said xyz, why do you need an explanation?" This is normal, but normally it ceases at some point. It still has not, 7 months later.
2) The companies perspective on how to manage this project changed right as I came aboard and I was instructed to manage it more like other projects developed here. The client doesn't like it that way, it takes more time and effort in thinking requests through. I have to go through the proper procedures to have changes made to the interface and data structure, I make the changes or new development and the Admin's post them. It's a process, one they are so complete foreign to that my enforcing this process gives the appearance of incompetence and being purposefully contrary, when before a request was made..it just got done, it didn't have to be approved or submitted to Issue Manager or in the hands of the proper channels to be uploaded by the appropriate Admin staff.
3) Errors have been made, on both sides. I openly admit to mine, which have been minimal with the exception of 1 which was easily addressed and I held myself completely accountable for. They blatantly ask me to cover up theirs to THEIR client (it's confusing) and to my supervisors. I do not. I do not agree with their work ethic. If their appears to be a problem of any kind, I am instantly on trial and am forced to account for every step, every detail and method behind the process. I've spent more time explaining the detail than doing the work.
I am fed up with the client. Thing is, my supervisor is the best I've had in years. It's a great company to work for and I have no problems with any other clients. Unfortunately, this particular client is the main reason I was hired as they basically required a full time baby-sitter, even if they don't want to pay for it and cry when charged for work performed. Equally unfortunate is the fact that in the past 3 days a major boo boo has been uncovered and no one really has an answer as to the cause, including me. I have researched it past the point of reason, I cannot find a concrete reason for this error, which is not good as it's going to cost someone some money. I don't *think* this is my fault but it's sort of one of those things that points to me no matter how you look at it and it's one of those boo boos that someone will have to be held accountable for. Probably me. Which I could hang with if I knew for certain I SHOULD be, but we just can't figure it out.
So that said, I have been thinking a lot and will probably start looking for another job even if I don't get canned. I love working here, that's the hard part. My boss rocks. But I don't want to face this client every day any more, I've sort of had it and don't really know if the relationship is salvageable at this point, at least not to the point of it being pleasant and I've already been down the path of working with Toxic Negativity, I want no part of it.
However, I will wait and see how things turn out over the coming days, I should have more info soon. I've submitted my research findings and now it is up to management to make decisions with what they have, which isn't much. The client is using very threatening language, but I'm not so sure we care all that much. Apparently this client has been problematic before and we've thought of dropping THEM in the past, so we'll see.
In other news, my former Boss Momma and forever Mentor Gail T. Wilson has won her race in the LEWIS-PALMER SD 38 DIRECTOR DIST 3 ! Go Gail! This means she'll be working directly in the School District in her county, spreading the word and kicking ass all along the way. I hold mad respect for this woman, she is on my list of Top 5 list of direct female influences in my life (along with my Grandmothers, a certain Aunty and Carin) and I can't think of anyone better to be in office. I am so glad retirement is providing her the opportunity to move forward and she will wow them, wouldn't surprise me if this isn't the first position she's elected into!
As some of you may know, yesterday was a big day for us locally regarding elections, some pretty important stuff finally happened here like:
Denver Initiative 100 - Legalization Of Marijuana ( up to 1 oz.)
It's about freaking time people. I don't smoke the wacky tobaccky myself but the idea that someone would go to jail for indulging is absurd. Hemp has many valuable resources in of itself, clothing, paper, medicinal qualities etc., I could go on for pages on this one, but my happiness over this has more to do with the idea that it is a start to a bigger process in motion and that is the opening of minds about the possibilities and potentials of many things that have been vilified by our culture in the past. Took long enough cripes.
Ref C past, D did not (just barely) Ref C will provide $3.7 million in tax refunds to help ease recession on civilians, state and local spending using tax dollars.
Ref D was to allow the state to borrow a few million from the federal government for state funded road work, schools and local firefighters and police pensions. We needed that one, danget. That's why there were a Team, ah well...something is better than nothing I suppose.
The main bummer is that WalMart managed to win out in Westiminster. A local group didn't want WallyWorld in it's neighborhood, especially not one of those new huge clinical feeling ones. Feels like being in a warehouse for housing consumers, it's gross. Walmart contributed $150K to the motion, the grassroots campaign had $25k, you do the math. Jerks.
Over all though, very good things are happening here politically and I'm excited about that for sure.
In reflection, the issues with the one "problem" client have been building for a little over 2 months, but have hit it's peak within this past week or so.
It's a long, detailed story full of jargon and information that won't make sense unless you work here. But the long and short of it is that my relationship with this particular client has grown increasingly tense, errors have been made on both sides and since this application is 5 plus years old and has not received anything but band-aids in that time period, we are not only facing communications conflicts but fighting the very technology needed to keep this project running. I think there are 3 fundamental reasons why the relationship has grown increasingly sour:
1) They've never been happy with my transition into the project from the get go. I've constantly been compared to the very talented young lady who had this position before me (who also worked on it 4 full years and knew every detail in and out.) I am not bitter about it, but I think they are. As soon as she was no longer my immediate mentor, the direct comparisons began and I was faced with "R never did it like that." or "R always knew what I meant when I said xyz, why do you need an explanation?" This is normal, but normally it ceases at some point. It still has not, 7 months later.
2) The companies perspective on how to manage this project changed right as I came aboard and I was instructed to manage it more like other projects developed here. The client doesn't like it that way, it takes more time and effort in thinking requests through. I have to go through the proper procedures to have changes made to the interface and data structure, I make the changes or new development and the Admin's post them. It's a process, one they are so complete foreign to that my enforcing this process gives the appearance of incompetence and being purposefully contrary, when before a request was made..it just got done, it didn't have to be approved or submitted to Issue Manager or in the hands of the proper channels to be uploaded by the appropriate Admin staff.
3) Errors have been made, on both sides. I openly admit to mine, which have been minimal with the exception of 1 which was easily addressed and I held myself completely accountable for. They blatantly ask me to cover up theirs to THEIR client (it's confusing) and to my supervisors. I do not. I do not agree with their work ethic. If their appears to be a problem of any kind, I am instantly on trial and am forced to account for every step, every detail and method behind the process. I've spent more time explaining the detail than doing the work.
I am fed up with the client. Thing is, my supervisor is the best I've had in years. It's a great company to work for and I have no problems with any other clients. Unfortunately, this particular client is the main reason I was hired as they basically required a full time baby-sitter, even if they don't want to pay for it and cry when charged for work performed. Equally unfortunate is the fact that in the past 3 days a major boo boo has been uncovered and no one really has an answer as to the cause, including me. I have researched it past the point of reason, I cannot find a concrete reason for this error, which is not good as it's going to cost someone some money. I don't *think* this is my fault but it's sort of one of those things that points to me no matter how you look at it and it's one of those boo boos that someone will have to be held accountable for. Probably me. Which I could hang with if I knew for certain I SHOULD be, but we just can't figure it out.
So that said, I have been thinking a lot and will probably start looking for another job even if I don't get canned. I love working here, that's the hard part. My boss rocks. But I don't want to face this client every day any more, I've sort of had it and don't really know if the relationship is salvageable at this point, at least not to the point of it being pleasant and I've already been down the path of working with Toxic Negativity, I want no part of it.
However, I will wait and see how things turn out over the coming days, I should have more info soon. I've submitted my research findings and now it is up to management to make decisions with what they have, which isn't much. The client is using very threatening language, but I'm not so sure we care all that much. Apparently this client has been problematic before and we've thought of dropping THEM in the past, so we'll see.
In other news, my former Boss Momma and forever Mentor Gail T. Wilson has won her race in the LEWIS-PALMER SD 38 DIRECTOR DIST 3 ! Go Gail! This means she'll be working directly in the School District in her county, spreading the word and kicking ass all along the way. I hold mad respect for this woman, she is on my list of Top 5 list of direct female influences in my life (along with my Grandmothers, a certain Aunty and Carin) and I can't think of anyone better to be in office. I am so glad retirement is providing her the opportunity to move forward and she will wow them, wouldn't surprise me if this isn't the first position she's elected into!
As some of you may know, yesterday was a big day for us locally regarding elections, some pretty important stuff finally happened here like:
Denver Initiative 100 - Legalization Of Marijuana ( up to 1 oz.)
It's about freaking time people. I don't smoke the wacky tobaccky myself but the idea that someone would go to jail for indulging is absurd. Hemp has many valuable resources in of itself, clothing, paper, medicinal qualities etc., I could go on for pages on this one, but my happiness over this has more to do with the idea that it is a start to a bigger process in motion and that is the opening of minds about the possibilities and potentials of many things that have been vilified by our culture in the past. Took long enough cripes.
Ref C past, D did not (just barely) Ref C will provide $3.7 million in tax refunds to help ease recession on civilians, state and local spending using tax dollars.
Ref D was to allow the state to borrow a few million from the federal government for state funded road work, schools and local firefighters and police pensions. We needed that one, danget. That's why there were a Team, ah well...something is better than nothing I suppose.
The main bummer is that WalMart managed to win out in Westiminster. A local group didn't want WallyWorld in it's neighborhood, especially not one of those new huge clinical feeling ones. Feels like being in a warehouse for housing consumers, it's gross. Walmart contributed $150K to the motion, the grassroots campaign had $25k, you do the math. Jerks.
Over all though, very good things are happening here politically and I'm excited about that for sure.
Friday, October 28, 2005
The Day After....
I choose to confront the client at work with an email who I've been having difficulties with lately, I tried to call her but she never returns my calls so I dropped her an email. I'd rather have a verbal communication at least, but since she's in PA and I'm in CO, a face to face discussion won't be happening any time soon. I doubt she'll respond, but I am more clear headed because no matter what, I can then always know that I did the right thing in my heart. I think I have this thing about really being open to progress and forgiveness in my relationships with all people and often will tickle the issue or serve as the very medium to reinforce that progress or forgiveness or whatever it may be in order to move forward. But I must always know that I, myself, acted in the most ethical and responsible way with those relationships, even if the other parties involved makes different choices. So we'll see what her reaction is, if nothing else I hope that my attempts to break the proverbial ice will somehow reach her, even if she chooses to be unresponsive.
C and I had a very long talk last night, it was exactly what the doctor ordered. He knows how to soothe me better than anyone, literally. Primarily I believe because we are kindred spirits with like thought processes, plus he is such a gentle and patient soul. He keeps me in balance and checks his pride at the door when I'm in a panic. Which I was yesterday, I felt lower than I've felt in some time, no fun. I love you C :)
Max is a gruesome little..achem...BIG ghoul/zombie thingy for Halloween. He's having a good time with it and I think he sort of feels like he's getting away with something by being such a dark and demented character, I'll let him keep thinking that and maybe even let him "scare" me a few times, that'd probably do the trick:) C helped him do it up real nice, which I was grateful for b/c in all honesty, that costume is pretty gross. Mostly it just smells really weird, C said cuz "It's from China" the whole importing thing, but it really has a foul smell, even Max noticed. It's definitely the plastic/rubber material that makes up all of Max's "wounds" and other yucky details..but still....Smellllly Costume!
Miss Sassy Sandy is in the hospital I'm sad to report, it's a very long story and not one I'm sure she wants me spreading public ally, but it's I know it's all very traumatic for her and after such a big summer, it must feel very overwhelming. My kick ass boss lady said I could leave early to go visit her today, so I'll be getting off early to go spend some time with Miss Sassy whom is loved wholeheartedly but such a huge number of people, I hope she knows she's not alone in any of this.
Max's cousin will be with us for the weekend, so I'll be surrounded by boys from all directions. Lucky me. :) The plan is to hit some haunted houses and other funny teen-ager type stuff, it's mostly just my job to take them there and pay for it and then get out of the way, but if Max wants me involved, I'll go. Gotta grab any opportunities I have to hang out with him. He's irritated that I am wearing his shirts, he seems to think it's completely inappropriate for me to wear his clothes, I like some of them and just laugh at him...he's lucky he doesn't have a sister!!!
They aren't indicting Rove today, darnit. He most certainly will skate out of this cleaner than a "civilian" in his situation, but the message has been sent and is very clear. Sh*t is hitting the fan finally and those responsible will be held accountable, it's about freaking time. I'll be very curious about these proceedings.
Back to work for me, busy Friday and a busy weekend....but today it feels brighter and healthier and more like home than yesterday.
C and I had a very long talk last night, it was exactly what the doctor ordered. He knows how to soothe me better than anyone, literally. Primarily I believe because we are kindred spirits with like thought processes, plus he is such a gentle and patient soul. He keeps me in balance and checks his pride at the door when I'm in a panic. Which I was yesterday, I felt lower than I've felt in some time, no fun. I love you C :)
Max is a gruesome little..achem...BIG ghoul/zombie thingy for Halloween. He's having a good time with it and I think he sort of feels like he's getting away with something by being such a dark and demented character, I'll let him keep thinking that and maybe even let him "scare" me a few times, that'd probably do the trick:) C helped him do it up real nice, which I was grateful for b/c in all honesty, that costume is pretty gross. Mostly it just smells really weird, C said cuz "It's from China" the whole importing thing, but it really has a foul smell, even Max noticed. It's definitely the plastic/rubber material that makes up all of Max's "wounds" and other yucky details..but still....Smellllly Costume!
Miss Sassy Sandy is in the hospital I'm sad to report, it's a very long story and not one I'm sure she wants me spreading public ally, but it's I know it's all very traumatic for her and after such a big summer, it must feel very overwhelming. My kick ass boss lady said I could leave early to go visit her today, so I'll be getting off early to go spend some time with Miss Sassy whom is loved wholeheartedly but such a huge number of people, I hope she knows she's not alone in any of this.
Max's cousin will be with us for the weekend, so I'll be surrounded by boys from all directions. Lucky me. :) The plan is to hit some haunted houses and other funny teen-ager type stuff, it's mostly just my job to take them there and pay for it and then get out of the way, but if Max wants me involved, I'll go. Gotta grab any opportunities I have to hang out with him. He's irritated that I am wearing his shirts, he seems to think it's completely inappropriate for me to wear his clothes, I like some of them and just laugh at him...he's lucky he doesn't have a sister!!!
They aren't indicting Rove today, darnit. He most certainly will skate out of this cleaner than a "civilian" in his situation, but the message has been sent and is very clear. Sh*t is hitting the fan finally and those responsible will be held accountable, it's about freaking time. I'll be very curious about these proceedings.
Back to work for me, busy Friday and a busy weekend....but today it feels brighter and healthier and more like home than yesterday.
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