In The Place Again....

I'm in the place again, it's that sort of sad and restless piece of me that pops up every now and again. It's actually quite painful and I prefer to avoid it, though I know it's part of the way I function when I am feeling a touch stressed, even if it's "ok" stress.

Maybe it's because the tree's are dying, shedding their baggage and engaging in the natural life cycle. It's very beautiful in a way, but seeing them all barren and dark every day casts this gloom in my heart for them. Changing of the seasons always does have that effect on me, I don't think it's the change, I think it's witnessing the struggle and rebirth of The Earth in the process that hurts.

Maybe it's because my relationship with Max is so erratic that I sometimes wonder if we are going to make it through the next several years with some level of sanity in tact AND still liking one another. I feel like the interactions are more negative than not.

Maybe it's because I feel both of the males in my life whom I completely adore have been somewhat distant and generally lacking affection or genuine communications for longer than seems comfortable or acceptable to me. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe it's ok for me to feel the way I do without being chastised for it. I don't always know.

Maybe it's because my job feels overwhelming. I've been working longer hours than usual and I'm sort of at a loss on how to work with this one particular client who seems so negative and unproductive. This client is basically the reason I am here and I have to find a way to make it work if I wish to stay at this job and still enjoy the experience. The company/supervisors are fantastic, this one client is far from it. Not to mention that I sometimes feel as if I don't always know exactly what I am doing. I'm wondering what I've gotten myself into and if I need to do anything about it, or just sit on it and see what happens.

Maybe it's because I am struggling some demons that are more enjoyable to indulge in than fight against. Namely food and wine. My weight is making me nervous, I don't feel right in this body and this body isn't so happy with me these days either from the looks of it. I wasn't that long ago that I was thinner and felt good in my external existence, now it feels foreign and awkward. I also know how much work and diligence it takes to get back to my comfort zone, which I am doing something about and that feels great. But I like food too much to ignore that it's more than a problem. The wine issue doesn't make me as nervous over the long term, but it's certainly something to be addressed. I am prone to addiction, it's not fair, but it's the fact. I don't drink every day, but the pattern of drinking too much when I do drink is what concerns me. So I'm fighting the crutches that have been built up over decades.

The house thing is exciting, but I don't find myself with much energy or time to do much about it.

In general, I can't find any real reason to feel overly bothered about any of these things...it's just the way it is right now and all I can do is plug through it. But the sadness is real and I do hope it passes soon, I am not fond of feeling uncentered and without focus, I need to find it again without beating myself up in the process. I also know me and this does pass, usually fairly quickly and I have to embrace it or it's pretty awful.

Seems its time to "Let The Bad Air Out."

One Heart

I am only one person.

If this is not a tangible concept for you, gently put your hand over my heart;
Feel that it is life, admire it's rhythm.

Appreciate the brilliant design in human architecture that brings my physical form to existence;
To grow and to be in this life time.

A blessed opportunity in which I encounter many experiences, unusual, exceptional and true;
One of which is to love and give to you.

As it may be, it is only one heart that pumps blood through only one set of lungs and limbs;
Big big spirit, big big love, one semi-gelatinous body.

Open as it may be, it is only one heart of tens of billions of pulsing others;
It only has so many resources, so many beats available at any one time.

It is pulled in the direction of all things and ever carries the weight of worry;
Tears flow for me easily, I ache with the pain of others.

Full and engorged, pushing substances through the seat of my emotion;
It is the safest place within me, I trust it to guide and direct the motion.

Elegant and unmatched, filled with unquestionable veracity and the occasional hint of blue;
Complicated and maybe a little crazy, it is what I have to offer to you.

Mine is yours and you know this, but carefully consider that I am only one person and that is all that I can be;
I now turn to you first, when my strength falters and am facing fears, I need you to be the one to go to bat for me.

Put A Lid On It.....

I drive approximately 30 miles round trip each day, not a terrible commute by any means. However, I do happen to travel one of the worst highways in my state, the dreaded I25 Corridor. Luckily, I drive North on 25 which is a much better experience then South to the Tech Center, which coincidentally, I did for several years when I worked at CORRA. So all things considered, I certainly cannot complain as when it comes to commuting, I've got it pretty easy compared to a lot of my fellow Denver Metro Area inhabitants who drive from Boulder to the Tech Center or from Confier to Denver, etc...etc....none of which I'd willingly sign up for.

Unfortunately though, I do have a gripe and that is the seemingly exceedingly recklessness and impatience that seems to accompany my drive each day. Primarily from other sources, though I find myself wanting to flip the bird on occasion and there is most definitely a barrage of choice words that flow out of my mouth when my blood starts to boil. I'm just sort of in shock with how completely careless and unruly the individuals I have to share the road with seem to be, and it just sort of gets worse and worse.

If I don't move quickly enough off the starting line when the light turns green, there is impatient and overly-eager honking. Ruthlessly cutting off of other drivers by some blockhead who is certain his schedule is more important than yours. Tail-gating in snowy weather by the ever infamous SUV who's driver seems convinced that 4-wheel drive can and will allow a vehicle to drive at a high velocity of speed in terrible conditions without any risk; inevitably ending up in the ditch. The irritable soccer Mom with 3 screaming children and a head-ache doing 45 on the highway, on drive pavement who flips YOU the bird when you pass her. The person who has to STOP completely to turn into a shopping mall entry or on a side street.

It's pretty astonishing and on most days, I manage to not feel panicky or even react to this sort of thing. It's like taxes and dishes, it's a pain in my ass but a part of life that must be dealt with. But this whole honking at the stop light thing has to stop, it's really....really...REALLLY freaking obnoxious, really people. REALLY! I am not talking like honking cuz I'm not paying attention, I'm talking honking because I am not the first off the line and some woman behind me is in such a freaking hurry that those 2 extra seconds are going to make the world of difference in her day.

We are all busy people, but starting a road rage incident or worse; dying because you are trying to make it to your 7:30 AM Tuesday Staff Meeting or your kid's soccer game or to the airport or whatever hardly seems worth the anxiety and stress. Slow it down kids. We'll all get there when we get there and your impatience and dangerous behavior isn't going to speed it up any. Really, I'd just like to GET where I'm going and not be harassed or endangered along the way.

And please, for Pete's Sake, the next time you feel like honking at someone at a stop light, put a lid on it. The life you save may be your own. gr.

Meanwhile, at the Alley Cat.....

Life is good, the weekend was most certainly a reflection of that for many of us I think. Chance and I got quite a lot done around the house, all which were things that sorely needed paying attention to and at some point you just have to buckle down and get to work. "Working" on the weekends isn't exactly my idea of rest and relaxation, but it does provide a sense of accomplishment and progress, so I'll take it.

Friday night I was so tired I could hardly stay awake, we had planned to run errands and prepare for the weekends events but I was all but completely useless. So, Mom and I did some catching up while C ran errands and I also made some money in Tiger Woods Golf, that game and I are definitely having a torrid affair. I passed out on the couch and woke up whining at C, he put me to bed and I slept better than I had in days.

Saturday morning was bright and early to face the tasks ahead. I spent the entire morning cleaning out, organizing and getting Max's room in order. For those of you that don't have children, this is something you must do occasionally depending on your level of tolerance for total chaos. Also, as the age increases the less window of opportunity you have for mucking through the items that can find their way into boxes for good will or, in the garbage because I'm learning that pre-teens and teenagers keep EVERYTHING, scraps of paper and Max's favorite...rocks. His room is home to a plethora of rocks and minerals and all the accompanying dirty goodness that goes along with them. I let go of the dirt factor on this one a long time ago, otherwise I'd be crazy. 4 hours, 2 garbage bags and 2 boxes later the room cleaning expedition was a success.

C was out running errands all morning and eating breakfast without me while I was starving to death (thanks C! ergh!) and found a way cool little corner desk for our room. He began putting that together and I went shopping, which I've forgotten how much a new t-shirt or lip gloss can really make my day on occasion, I'll have to indulge a bit more often in that I think. Spoke with Lil' Rhi Saturday while I was out and about, did some catching up and agreed to touch base later about possibly getting together after our existing plans for the evening. Which I'll get to in one moment....after the shopping, came home to find my Man sitting in a huge pile of screws and bolts and desk stuff....he had a good start on it but had a ways to go, just looking at it over whelmed me, glad it wasn't my job! I pulled him away from that and we showered and prepared for the evenings festivities.

Saturday evening was all about Ms. Sassy Sand Nagler. Brief recap, this woman spent the entire summer attending, planning and/or being heavily involved in some manner or another in a total of 6 or 8 weddings, I don't recall the exact number. Every time I saw her the list of things she'd been up to since the last time I saw her seemed to have tripled in size and I am not sure how she maintained sanity, but kindness and generosity just are in her nature and giving of herself is something she does with a grace and ease you don't come across too often. I any event, clearly she is a self-less and exceptionally giving individual and a surprise party was organized in her honor. As anticipated, the event was a blast. Exceptional evening spent with exceptional individuals, all of which I find fascinating and all of which I thoroughly enjoy spending time with. Sandy's face was so completely adorable when she "got" it that we were all there for her and I know the evening was moving for her, which was the point. Several toasts, some tears and many more laughs later Miss Sandy was on her way home to sleep well and know that she is loved and appreciated by many.

Unfortunately, CMan maybe had too good of a time and had to lay down, which means he was a done deal. We had made plans to meet up with Matt later and somehow it all just sort of worked out that Matt would come pick me up, C would sleep it off at Bryan & Kim's and we would go meet up with Rhi & Sam, which is always a blast. So so happy to see sweet Lil' Rhi, I do enjoy hanging with her very much. So we acted silly and had good times, went over to Karl & Bridgett'es who just got engaged and they are too adorable and clearly very much in love, I hope to spend time with them again. I also particularly enjoy Sam, particularly enjoying HARASSING him:) Wonderful evening!

Sunday, Max came home from the Grandparents and we did a lot of snuggling and horse playing, CMan finished up the desk project (which looks so great, I'm so proud *grin*) and I managed to get in a little phone time with Crystal. I miss her, she's growing very quickly and she seems different to me already. In a very positive way. It's pretty obvious that this move to Seattle is an excellent experience in numerous ways. I'm happy her and D are running around being a couple alone in their house, I think it's pretty important stuff. I sense a calmness about them both these days and that's good for all of us! Plus, it sounds like they both are truly comfortable with Rhi's decisions and that all is well, this also shows tremendous maturity and love for all involved, good job guys:)

We had turkey for dinner on Sunday. All of it was good except the turkey, I really need to learn that I don't eat it for a reason...blech, it was like...Turkey...Loaf....all formed and wierd, it's not supposed to BE like that. But I did like the coleslaw and ate all of that. Matt hung around with us most of the day, napping and watching silly television.

Weekends like this remind you that there is a balance and it is achievable, hard work and accomplishments and good times to be had with the people you love. So I am happy today and worn out from the weekend, but ready to start a new week. I have everything I could want, Max, tremendous love and support, surrounded by amazing friends, good job...buying a house, it's all good stuff. Yay!

My only concern this very moment is that Max has this really obnoxious cough and it sounds very chesty, so I'm hoping he's doing ok at school today. I can't really give him medicine before school cuz it sort of zones him out and he has a hard enough time without adding to it, so we'll see how he is later. I noticed last night that Max's voice is really beginning to sound different, he sounds older, loosing his sweet little dude voice and developing a sweet big dude voice. I love him and want to squeeze him right now, I'd better get back to work so the day goes faster and I can get home to him sooner.

Decisions and Choices

In this past year, I have been presented with a colorful variety of palatable options and decisions to make regarding those options. As if I wasn't already aware of the fact that my ability to make confident and firm decisions is somewhat cloudy to begin with, I am being confronted with the stark reality that I have tremendous amounts of fear and anxiety wrapped up in the very process of choosing and moving with that choice.

If I make a poor decision, what are the outcomes? Will I have failed? Will others be disappointed in my decisions? Am I still loveable, worthy, capable? Will I end up starting over once again? Will my heart be broken? What about Max, how do my decisions impact this child? How will my actions affect (ruin?) him.

The mentality is clear and when I put it on paper it's even more discouraging to hear that this is what runs through my mind when I am faced with life transition. The reason is clear, life has been hard for me in the past. I've failed and others have failed me. I've had little reason to put my trust in most people which hardly allows me to learn to trust myself. I've started over numerous times and have seen the effects on children (myself?) when their families make poor decisions. I came back from so much of it and made a life for MJ and I, a career and a considerable amount of well-being in my heart. However, it seems I sort of slowed the pace of action in that process and became paralyzed by fears.

Sometimes it takes being faced with such enormous possibility, unconditional love and support to truly realize the depths of where ones heart and state of mind exists. Everything I've ever wanted is right in front of me and I've been fighting it. I've not made a decision to do it, I've just been waiting for it to happen to ME...not for ME to happen to it. And not only have I been waiting, I've been waiting in fear. Lingering, anticipating the worst. That is a very unpleasant place to be and I am moving on, thank you.

I have the choice to impact this experience in a positive light or a negative darkness.
I choose the light.

I have the option to nurture my child and give him positive direction.
I choose to be this child's Mother.

I can love Chance with every ounce of my heart and live every moment to it's end or I can continue to disrespect and distrust him and bind the experience with hurtful behaviors.
I choose to love this man and allow him to love me.

I can continue to think that others will not accept, appreciate or acknowledge my inner being and devalidate her in the process.
I choose to allow Sarah to be who Sarah is and stop living for others.

I could keep taking the easier, more comfortable route and bide my time in my career and where I live and what I am doing in my daily life or pursue more, live it, be it.
I choose to LIVE.

I am putting a stop to the madness.

It is going to take effort and working through the release of many years of built up anxiety and pain, I've gotten lazy.
I will probably always be the sort of person that can only build true intimacy and trust with others with time.
I will probably fall into the fear comfort zone when I feel panicky, it's safe after all...if I don't do anything, nothing can happen to me. But, I am ready to "do" something.
I will probably have moments when I feel discouraged and moments when I feel empowered.
I will succeed and I will fail and I'm not always going to make the best decisions, but I will at least be making them.
Taking a freaking chance on MY LIFE, the only I have in this particular time period so I'm going after what I want and who I want to be.
Trying, moving forward. Giving it a shot.

Peace.

Monday Moowahahaha

Let's see, random thoughts for Monday....

Woke up to the first snow of this season today, it was very thick and heavy and wet. It's the sort that breaks tender tree limbs still not frozen enough from the summer months to withstand the weight of first snows. So the tree's are drooping. Which isn't so bad, they don't appear to be suffering too much. Also, included in early winter months just for your driving pleasure are those folks who don't really know how to drive to begin with, who some how are capable of being even worse drivers than one might have possible imagined. I don't mean to be condescending, but maybe it would be wise for all states with heavy or consistent snow fall to mandate driving in winter weather classes? I'd take it, can't hurt...but what these folks need to understand that stupid ass driving is just as much a hazard as driving in crappy ass conditions...you have to think with your melon, not your fear meter.

I still love the first snow though, it reminds me of comforting days to come.

3.2 beer gives me a strange buzz, it's easily slept off and I feel absolutely zero effect from it the next day. However, it makes my stomach really foamy and I don't do well with stomach foam. Yuck. Ah well, with the new weight loss efforts alcohol is better left alone as it is.

Talked with the Mortgage Broker Howard referred me to, yippee...the ball is rolling, I'm a little anxious about the whole thing but am so so so SO happy to be moving forward with it. Responsibility really blows sometimes, but more often than not it is rewarding.

C and I had a great weekend and Max is bouncy and happy again for now, so I'll take it.

As it seems to be the norm lately, world news is disheartening. I think our planet is revolting, I don't blame Her. I sense a mutiny afoot. Not to mention that I read 3 corroborated stories last week that George W. Bush claims he talks to God, directly. And that God sends messages to him, directly. I guess it sort of irritates me that he's setting himself up as some prophetic voice......which often leads to martyrdom. I dunno, that just sort of freaks me out.

I should be off, lot to do still this afternoon and I am procrastinating an issue that requires much more mental focus than I've had in days. Time to bust out the Ginseng people!

There Are Moments

There are moments when I know I am completely alone
There are moments when I know we are all on our own

There are moments when you have simply gone to far
There are moments when you are difficult and peculiar

There are moments when I cannot tolerate one more act of greed
There are moments when I cannot bare even one more harmful deed

There are moments when nothing seems right or makes sense
There are moments when the future feels dark and dense

There are moments when the world is harsh and hopeless
There are moments when the world mourns and I am helpless

There are moments when the tears burn me deeper than I've ever known
There are moments when the rage builds higher than I've ever shown

There are moments when I do not want to fight another day
There are moments when I wish for some other peaceful way

Then there are moments when no matter the cost, it is left to me to be strong
Then there are moments when no matter the hurt, it is where my love does belong

Somebody told me....

Sigh, someone made ass-coffee again this morning and it's so bitter I can barely stomach it. Is it that hard people? Cripes!

A quick entry, it's been sort of a crazy week.

Monday was one of those days in which the world felt as if it was crashing down on me and I was not coping well with it at all. I learned that making an error in some manner or another does not necessarily mean that one is not worthy of self-respect, success, love or approval. It simply means that I, like everyone else on this planet, am prone to mistakes and just because I make 1 or 15 doesn't mean that I have managed "to completely ruin everything" or that I will be harshly judged and therefore abused in some manner or another. I am not incapable as was suggested all of those years, I am loveable in all my imperfect glory and I will not be abandoned simply because I did something "wrong." I also learned that instead of over-reacting about something I think I might be "in trouble" for and creating grandiose doomsday scenarios about the outcomes of my f*ck ups; perhaps it is time for ME to accept MY faults, move on and take it as a lesson learned. This seems a much healthier approach than the enormous amount of guilt I inflict upon myself every time I fall down.

C has gotten me addicted to Tiger Woods 2005 Pro Golf on XBox. You can customize until your hearts content. My character is a Hottie named Mango76, she's also becoming quite the little golfer. I'm not a naturally competitive person, but this game is a lot of fun and C is fun to play it with:) Lil' Man's ready to take a shot at it. I expect a lot of hooting and hollering over the comings weeks on this one.

Other big news, I am looking at buying a house or condo. We are just getting started on the logistics of it all and I am trying not to jump out of my skin with excitement and feeling a little overwhelmed at the idea that sort of responsibility....it seems to adult and I am not sure when I became one of those, but it's sort of creeping up on me. I keep having visions of hard wood floors and big open spaces, lots of light, a garage to park my Baby Jetta in and hopefully a back yard for my Baby Pug that I will name Poopsie...or something equally annoying to get a rise out of C. ;-P We are having quite a brawl over what sort of dog to get and I have my heart set on a Pug, Black Lab, maybe a Saint Bernard? Or a Husky? Or I English Bulldog? I love them all, I highly doubt I can will myself to contribute to breeding practices I greatly disagree with and we'll end up with a Lil' Pound Puppy but I admit that I would like a Pug very very much. A little black one, that has a big ole back yard to play in and can chase the cats. I also love the idea of an office and of course I want Max to have a lot more space, it would be nice if we had a finished basement so he can be loud and that sort of obnoxious that only teenage boys seems to be. And a big closet to lock him in if nessisity:)

Finally a piece of political news that is so completely encouraging I can hardly stand it. Tom DeLay's indictment. I believe this case will have a domino effect, one which will expose many others whom the majority of the Republican Party has been in bed with. Starting with Ellis and Frist. I think there will be lots of 'scandals' and 'developments' on the going-on's of several departments in Texas and otherwise. Texas, hm...I think that's where my Not-So-Favorite-Wanna-Be-Cowboy likes to vacation. Very interesting, yes? I don't want to get my hopes up that this motion predicts change, but they are anyway.

!!!! Stop Mad Cowboy Disease !!!!

Gluey Goodness

I am still learning, but already knew
That we are the sparkly, glitterly glue
Glue that binds us so tight
To the very fabric of all life
One simple gesture can make it all right

For them, we may just exist and 'be'
Exist in the backdrop, The Giving Tree
A special few are capable, some even comfortable
Capable of not only seeing, but comfortabley believing

A womb, open arms, an exceptional smile
Without us, there would be no tomorrow or another mile
Not another beating heart or brilliant mind
Without us, the sun would not shine

And without 'them' WE would no be
We rely on each other in the biology
But it is the warmth of a mother's embrace
A Mango's fruitful taste, nurturing goodness
That makes us vibrant with gorgeous inception
For we are the gift that creates conception
And it wasn't by accident or with ugly vengeance
That we were born unto this green green Earth
With great burden and great great berth

Our hearts may guide us with uneven smiles
Through cold dark days and trying times
But it is our love that sings with lovely chimes
To the warm bond of the tie that does not bind

Friday Morning Random Thoughts

It took more creamer than normal to cream my coffee to it's desired texture and color this morning, this is concerning. This means one of two things, either a) someone made it ass-strong or b) someone made it with the ass-water that comes out of the tap in the Office Kitchen instead of the water cooler...both will make it ass-coffee. But I will drink it either way because I am a coffee junkie and cannot officially start my day without. That and a shower.

There can never be enough salsa in my refrigerator, I like to scoop it up with pretzels...yum. Salty, spicy. Excellent. I think I am going to ask CMom to pick up 5 gallon jug for me during her next Costco visit.

Max's mood swings are interesting, one moment he is smiling and the tone in his voice is pleasant and his normal self, the next he is sulking and hardly speaks. I'm sure it's just as confusing for him as it is for me.

The guy in the cube next to me sleeps half the day, I wonder how he gets away with that? I'm not joking either, I walk by and it's sort of hard NOT to notice...you know? He's a very nice fella, very intelligent. but I don't get how one can sleep during work hours and it not be an issue? Perhaps he and our supervisor have an arrangement? It wouldn't surprise me, while she's not the most communicative supervisor I've had, she is way cool over all. Speaking of which, I've not seen her assertive-managerly personality come out to strong yet, I did last night boy and she's no joke. It was not directed at me, but there was straight up tension in the office and she wasn't even letting people leave until the job got done. I offered to help, she's like...nope, it's their project, they have to finish. I was like allllrighty then, I'll go on back over here to my cube and code away and listen to the music and stay out of it.

I have so much to do, I feel a little overwhelmed by it. Work, clean house, get dr. appointments made, dentist appointments, get Max's saxaphone..loose 20 lbs....etc.etc...buy a house? Yeah, I'm thinking sooner rather than later. I dunno, maybe. I'd like to not have a car payment AND a house payment, but we'll see. It's fun to think about it anyway:)

I really can't complain about a damn thing and I know it, I feel like a selfish little brat when I read over this and then read the stories and articles of world news and events...displaced Katrina survivors and Rita evacuees trying to save themselves and their important possessions, this idiot Roberts Bush appointed, UGH. There is much going on. Sometimes I don't know how to trust and hold love in my heart when I see so much hatred and violence and ignorance. I suppose it to is part of the cycle, working through the internal and external balances. sigh.

Should get to work, got in early for a reason...peace out all.

Autumn Equinox

Today is in celebration of Earth and all she bares to share with us, to honor Demeter and The Muses, Green Man and Hermes.

As the Spring Equinox is a breathe into sleeping spirits and hibernating life, the Fall Equinox is a time of preparation for the cooler months to come. To give thanks for the harvests of the Earth and recognize the need to share and secure the blessings of the Goddess and God during the months known as Winter. To observe and participate in felicitating the cycle of birth, life, death and re-birth.

Autumn often brings a sense of sadness for me, perhaps it is simply the increasingly over-cast skies and my beloved tree's and flowers beginning their own unique cycle. It may be my psyche preparing for knowledge that my body will be forced inside more and more in the coming months or it could be something completely different. Luckily, the impact doesn't last long as Halloween soon approaches (which I seem to enjoy more than the kids these days) and I settle into the loving warmth that is snuggling on the couch under the blankets while it snows and cooking soups and drinking tea's, surrounded by loved ones and four-legged, furry tailed black kittens.

I welcome with open arms the cycles of Mother Earth and feel tears swell in my heart and eyes in my love for Her. My personal blessings are many and I can hardly give thanks for them without acknowledging Her first. I have great hope for the protection, prosperity, security, and health of those in need or harms ways. And wish of harmony and balance for all of us.

Blessed Be.

In Spite Of....

It really was a great weekend, really. However, in spite of the warm feelings from the weekend, I am a touch stressed and feeling a little anxious. Mom's who work full time jobs and are soley responsible for the care and nurturing of a 13 year old boy, 1 very needy and whiney control freak client who makes my life hell every 2 weeks or so and a household isn't really allowed to be ill for any extended period of time, or down for a day apparently.

About 6 hours after I submitted my last blogg, I came down with what we believe to be food poisoning. My body didn't want whatever it was that it was bothering it, in there...at all. So it all came up until there was nothing left, until mid morning on Monday. It was violent and uncomfortable and I'm really glad it's over. Luckily, CMan stayed home with me yesterday and took care of me all day. He brought me my favorite ice cream treat, took care of Maxter for the day and bought me medicine for mah achin' belly. Did I mention I really love this guy? Jeesh.

I am still coughing like I've got croup or something from last weeks bug that's been more than a minor irritation in my life and my work has suffered to say the least, it's been hard to focus and concentrate feeling that way all week last week.

Said whiney client has really irritated me today, constantly hashing out hours with my boss...like she doesn't have anything better to do, plus if they don't like how we do things, they really can find someone else to manage their piece of crap application. Good luck finding someone who will touch it! I really want to provide these folks with quality services and support, but there is such a thing as working relationship that needs to be respected on both ends...ah well, N (my boss) handles all that, I just get sick of justifying work that is created because of the clients ignorance and techno-weeniness.

Max is also on my last nerve with his inability to hold himself accountable for his actions, I don't do well with that sort of thing from anyone and it irritates me that he's gotten into this habit of acting like it's everyone else fault when his homework doesn't get turned in or there's an evil plot against him from his educators to give him 0's for ALL of his assignments cuz HE TURNS THEM IN (insert blatant big fat lie here) MOM GAWD!!!! But I realize this is a moment when I must collect myself and my thoughts and be the one to guide him, I cannot expect him to just know it...that's what I am here for, sometimes...I think?

Sigh, all is well...I'm just working it through. I really have nothing more than the average bear to handle, am just having one of those days that is overwhelming. Have some poetry to post soon and have been meaning to blogg my Wisconsin trip...I'll get there eventually I guess:)

Weekend Warriors

We just got done eating dinner, we had fish tacos with Chance's homemade tartar sauce. Kick ass stuff yo! Jessie is diligently cleaning herself on the floor next to me and I am diligently enjoying my last alcoholic beverage of the weekend. And what a weekend it was!

Max and I had been sick all last week and Friday he and I were starting to sort-of feel better, so by the time I got off work I am ready to cut loose a little and relax. CMan thought we should take Maxter out for Crab (Max's fav) and bowling (cuz I'm really getting good at it and Max likes it too!) for his 2nd consecutive weekend of Birthday Festivities. Well, I was in a bit of a foul mood as much as I tried to curb it. I just couldn't turn "Crabby Sarah" off and turn "Go With The Flow, Pretty Mellow For The Most Part Sarah" on. I guess even us Cool Chicks have our moments, eh? Ok, whatever. I was not being very flexible or tolerant. After much to do about nothing, we ended up at the 'Brazilian Cafe' which doesn't have Crab, but does have some of the most delicious food I've eaten in ages. CMan treated us to an incredible meal of totally decadent foods and drink, which I know poor Max sort of struggled though, but being his wonderful self, he enjoyed it to the best of his ability and we then went in search of an open lane at our local bowling alley. To no avail unfortunately, all was full. League night. But, we did grab some movies from Blockbuster and decided just to chill at home.

After Max was fast asleep, CMan and I spent some time enjoying boisterous laughter from some of favorite stand up comedians and settled in for a night of discussion and giggling and warmth. We had one of "those" discussions which I know all couples have, what does this all mean and looking at the bigger picture. I left that discussion knowing that in spite of my occasional frustrations, this man does appreciate and love me and is completely committed. I could not ask for more and I find nothing but joy in this person, he is the one for me. Sure we spat and fiddle and poke fun at one another, but it is all done in love and I've never felt so bonded, like this person truly knows me in a way that few others can or do. Blessed be.

Saturday morning we awoke to face the day and participate in Max's paintball party for his 13th birthday. Let me first just say that I was pleasantly surprised by this experience. I guess it sort of taught me that when a group of men get together and down and dirty, they are not always (ok, a little of Sarah's baggage here) going to act like hedonistic a-holes and I sensed a real comradery amongst all involved. Everyone was there was all about having fun and the organizers/owners of this establishment partake and encourage the fun with great enthusiasm. Admittedly, I have a hard time understanding the appeal of going into a building and shooting one another with little plastic balls filled with paint. Which stings like the dickens if hit in the right place from what I can tell, but I saw something this day that I've never witnessed before. Dudes having dude fun and it gave me a whole new respect for the scenario.

The Birthday Boy, Cousin Owen, Matt, Daniel and Chance all participated in the days events. Max knows all about this, he's done it before and he acted the pro in my eyes. One thing I noticed during the games was how grown up he seems, he is developing man hands and definitely has an aire about him these days. It's pretty neat to witness this transition. He is developing into a little person right before my eyes and I was so proud of him as he was eager to be strategic in his methods and had it all planned out, all the while making sure everyone was having fun and ever being the caretaker if someone was injured. Ok, and a little Mom Glory in the fact that he kept thanking me for a good time, yay me...I somehow managed to make my baby happy!

I was pleased that CMan chose to participate as he was not feeling well (he caught our cold/flu bug) and was having a hard time even functioning really, but he was a trooper and did it for Max. Thanks babe, cool stuff! Matt, poor guy, had a rough time getting there and seemed in a bit agro mood when he first got there but was definitely having fun by the end of it all. Daniel who is always astonishing to me, I am ever amazed at this kiddo. He is such a brave and unique individual and I adore him completely. And Max and Big Man Owen were all over it, completely slimed and ready for more by the end of it all. BTW: There is nothing sanitary or comfortable about paintball. All males walked out with some sort of injury (which proudly had to be displayed and discussed several times over after the fact) and tales to tell about the experience. Not to mention that everything in the paintball arena is greasy an slimy, even the chairs! Paintballs are designed to be bio-degradable Mat informed me, which is why they are so gross. So the paint just eventually fades. I spent a good portion of the afternoon outside, so as not to impede on the fun. I found myself saying "Max, are you ok?" and "OMEGA, are you oK?" to so many of the players so many times that I decided my exit was probably necessary. I don't do well when I see my child being pummeled by ouchie-things, or the men/boys I love with huge welts all over their bodies. Not to mention the exuberant amount of testosterone, which a part of me craves, but the other part of me is just like...."Ok, this girl who has hung out with Frat Boys her whole life is ready to go outside!"

Afterward, boys were starving so we went for all-you-can eat-pizza. I tremendously enjoyed watching these boys all together, eating pizza with excited discussions. CMan and Matt went to play Golf (video game) and Owen & Max went to play pool after everyone was full. CMan and Matt are forever adorable in their competition, which I know is all in fun and I love to throw them both for a loop with it sometimes by playing cheer-leader for one side or the other. Jeez, if I got REALLY excited and started jumping and down, who knows what would happen!!! LOL. Gets their blood pumping! The kind-of little ones were attempting to play pool, Max loves it but it still learning how. Owen is actually a pretty good shot for a 13 year old! I was really touched by Matt's attempts to show Max how to play, to give him some advice. I thought it was really cool how Matt said, quietly like not to embarrass Max, "Max, you want some pointers?" instead of just barging in and acting like he knows everything and giving Max the opportunity to make a decision, I thought it was a very respectful thing to do. The whole pizza thing was very sweet for me, watching the boys I love having a great time and I just sat there drinking water with lemon and enjoying it all.

We came home, CMan was playing with the computer, Owen was helping. Max and I were so tired and Matt was off to have Man-Fun at the big boys club. Saturday was a good day.

This morning, CMan and I got up and were snuggling warmly in bed talking about this and that and the other thing. We were talking about kids, the night before Matt & Chance were talking about how "scary" babies are. "What if I drop the baby!" they both said, almost in unison. I couldn't believe it! You don't just DROP a baby, I know this all sounds sort of weird, guess you had to be there. Especially with these guys, they are some of the most wonderful and compassionate men! I know neither one of these men would ever take a baby lightly and would be loving if given the opportunity, but still, I couldn't help but laugh at them. Silly boys. Like I would ever let either of them drop the baby! Just joking:)

But, I am happy that CMan and I are on the same page about kids. It's not something that's going to happen for us, I mean unless by accident. I think we are both really ok with that, not just as individuals but also as a partnership. CMan loves Max, he is such a gift to us and I am forever amazed how willing he is to take on all that it means to be involved with a Single Mother. He does it with such respect and grace, more than anyone I've ever known, it just sort of fits. Max and I are both profoundly blessed by CMan's love, probably more than he knows and which he gives of so willingly. But CMan also knows that I am probably not going to have any more children, I've been a parent longer then I've been an adult and while I am grateful for every moment I have with my child, I know that if I could, I would've had another one along time ago, now is not the time for either of us and I highly doubt as the both of us push into our 30's, it's is something we will want. And of course, we were discussing what a wonderful father Matt will make if given the opportunity and of course, after he's had his time to play. I watch him with my Boy and am forever pleased that Uncle Mat is part of my Childs life. It sort of just comes naturally for Matt, whether the thinks so or not. He is wonderful with many people, not just my child and I hope he knows he is always welcome in our home. Family is a strange thing, it's not always blood that binds. I know this with many in my life and you know who you are:) Twinkle Twinkle!

Max is loved by so many wonderful people. Sometimes I get freaked about his future, and then look at the male influence he has....Grandfathers, CMan, Bryan, Justin, Matt & Dane...all really outstanding men. And even outside of that, Max is an outstanding individual on his own...sigh. Wow. AND...Consider the female influences...My Goddess! As a mother, I watched my child this weekend and knew that he was going to be ok, he is a being outside of anything I've ever known and probably outside of anything many of the people in his life will ever know, he will make a difference, he will be loved. Not that this will influence his destiny, but this Kid has hope, more than a lot of us has ever had. And I am so happy for the reality of that! Bless us these next several years!

So, I guess out of everything I learned this weekend...which I feel sort of takes away from Max's fun, which is not my intention at all...the men/boys in my life are forever teaching me lessons about love, respect, honor and integrity. Not one of them is a disappointment to me and whether they know it or not, it speaks volumes of my trust and love.

Happy Birthday Max, you are getting to be a Big Guy now and know that I love you and am here for you with every breathe and beyond, but respect your space cuz your doing good stuff with it! Most of luck to you baby, life is short and long at the same time, but Gawd Damn if it isn't beautiful!

Blogg Bog

My blogg has apparently become it's only living, breathing organism that hates me.

The Hitchikers Guide To The Universe - 2005
Marvin: I've been talking to the main computer.
Arthur: And?
Marvin: It hates me.

Woe Is Me

http://www.34millionfriends.org/

http://www.34millionfriends.org/

Jane Roberts and Lois Abraham established 34 Million Friends of UNFPA in 2002 when the Bush Administration announced they would withhold the $34 million that Congress allocated to UNFPA. Today the total amount of blocked funds stands at over $125 million.
The idea behind this project is to ask 34 million Americans to donate at least $1 and in turn, send a message to our government. As Jane often says, "When the world takes care of women, women take care of the world."

UNFPA helps the most vulnerable women in the world plan their families, give birth safely, and protect themselves from HIV/AIDS. It promotes the rights of women by encouraging equal access to food, education, and healthcare. UNFPA works worldwide to eliminate gender-based violence including female genital mutilation and rape used as weapons of war. Show American support by becoming one of the 34 Million Friends and getting involved. Jane and Lois urge you to find out more about Americans for UNFPA and 34 Million Friends at www.americansforunfpa.org.

Weekends Wonders - 09/12/2005

A hug from my "little" boy, who is now officially 13 makes me smile in a way no one else can see. Even though the Hormone Monster has bitten, I still catch moments of sweetness from him when he thinks no one is looking. Secretly, he still loves me and thinks I'm "ok", even if the rest of the world can't know that for right now. I guess there is a comfort in knowing that the bond created between us through all of these years (which some say the bond between single parents and their children holds an entirely different dynamic then the typical mother/child relationship, with both challenges and many assets) cannot be broken so easily.

Max is loved tremendously and is blessed in ways he cannot fully comprehend right now. I am so happy for all the people in his life who adore him and take the time out to let him know it. Birthday cakes, hugs and well wishing go far. Taking the time to let a kid know that you love them is bigger than simple words may seem.

I am a much better bowler than I remember and enjoy it much more than I ever thought I would, I kicked the guys butts all 3 games. YAY Sarah. I think it might be fun to play more often, we spent $40 total on an entire evening of lots of fun, including a few beers and video games for the "kids." You can't beat good, cheap and fairly clean (sans the bowling shoes) fun!

Some times the people you love are going to hurt you, it is a fact. One can hardly expect complete anonymity from such things, though it always stings a little when it does occur. For the most part, these little snafus in the human condition gone awry are forgivable and easily recognized for what it is, humans being humans. No one is perfect after all, no matter how much he or she may wish to portray him or herself as such and it is also natural that our loved ones may become subject to our suffering and frustrations and own internal pain or doubts. In most cases, these sorts of things are forgivable and something that can be reconciled. Interactions and relationships of all sorts require tolerance, patience and forgiveness. I suppose I am learning this just as much as the next person, but I am an extroverted Aquarius...I spend a lot of time processing everything, listening to my heart and feeling things through. I used to believe this was a curse, I know now it is a blessing when embraced by myself and those around me.

I spend a lot of time working through my fears and insecurities in my dreams, to the point where there are moments when my very dreams become painful. And often, just when I believe I've worked through something nagging at me, a simple comment or suggestion can send my dream cycle into chaos. Perhaps I am simply to sensitive to others or my maybe my subconscious energies from each day are overwhelmed. I am not fearful of my dreams themselves, it's just they are so real and vivid sometimes that I find myself waking up in a panic and feeling lost. I also often question whether my dreams are prophetic or they create the reality the envision. Either way, that's a lot to consider.

On the Anniversary of 9/11 each year, the spin by the media is so completely frustrating. Every year it's something different, some "new" piece of information is "exposed." I find myself speechless at the lengths the media will go to capitalize on death.

We watched a movie last night called "Crash." I would highly recommend it, very compelling and thought provoking. It has a Spike Lee, "Do The Right Thing" edge to it, or at least that's what it sort of reminded me of.

Doing some research on Attachment Disorders and the impacts from infancy to adulthood. It is a fascinating project and I am learning a lot, will share more as time permits.

More later...

Groundhogs, Grasshoppers & Sun Flowers Oh My....

Close to my work there are many hidden paths that peruse the local business district and farther out, developing neighborhoods. My favorite, is a nice 20 - 30 minute little jaunt that gives me some good cardio in spots and includes a brief tour of a local stream bed. There's also a child care center behind the stream, I hear alot of giggling and explosive exclamations about balls and swings and 'tag'. Little voices are always pleasant.

Since I started working here, I've exploring more and more but tend to go back to my old favorite. The summer months were a bit to hot to walk and now, well, it's still hot....but it's not the SAME kind of hot. Fall is approaching in Colorado and even though it's still 90 degrees some days, it's not the same sort of heat as 90 degrees in July or early August. September months bring cooler mornings and evenings, it's not quite so stifling or dry during the day but still pretty warm. Leaves are beginning to fall quietly, not necessarily in a noticeable way just yet, but you see them here and there. By October, we'll definitely know Fall is here. Considerably cooler temperatures and leaves will blanket the streets and back yards with lots of crinkly and colorful goodness. I've even spent several Halloweens trying to keep my costume (and now Max's) dry from unexpected snow on Halloween night. These subtle differences are some of my favorite things about the changes in season, thus one of my favorite things about Colorado. Mother Nature makes absolutely no bones about the fact that it is Summer or Winter or Fall or Spring in Colorado, it is quite clear. No question about it. It is one of the biggest aspects of living in Colorado that I missed in California, though California certainly has it's appeal. The draw of the Ocean is strong for me, possibly stronger than the changes in season I love so much here...but doubtful I'd land in California again to follow it. Most likely Washington State or Oregon, but that's not secret to anyone who might be reading this.

Anyway, back on subject....during the really hot summer months I've not been walking during lunch hours much because it is simply to hot in the mid-day hours. But now that's it "cooling" a bit, I can get out more and enjoy it. I miss those walks desperately when I do not get them, it is often the only time I have to myself that is uninterrupted. Even with vehicles and sounds of the city, I still find myself in those walks and that is very important not only for me but for everyone around me as well, a Happy and Balanced Sarah is a much more patient, healthy, loving and giving individual.

In this area, there are prairie dogs everywhere. I think they are one of the cutest little critter on the list, they look like little fluffy teddy bears with muscles and lots of whiskers. Many see them as pests, but like many animals considered 'pests' by our culture, it is only that way because we created it so. Rats have always been scavengers, but so are we. And if human beings hadn't some how managed to completely overpopulate the Earth and fill it with waste, then rats wouldn't overpopulate either. Or at least I see it that way. I'm not sure what the solution is, but I wish there were a kinder way then to kill animals thought of as annoyance. Out here, the local animal control push the little prairie dogs out of their homes with soap suds and then grab them and supposedly relocate them, but I've heard that's questionable. I guess that's nicer then prairie dog traps?

The prairie dogs have created their own community with about a 1 mile radius and I am certain they all begin signaling each other when I approach. The chirp and bark at me and stand up and act defiant, but as soon as I get to close, POP...back into the hole. Little do they know that I would never harm even a single one of them, but their attempts at standing up for what's theirs, protecting their babies and warning one another is really interesting to watch and very sweet. I see babies all the time. Today I noticed them running back and forth, back and forth between several holes...something was definitely going on. A party perhaps? Maybe a new baby? Something exciting was definitely going on. Maybe it was me?

I approached an area filled with sun flowers. All sizes, teeny teeny tiny to pretty big...one about as big as my head, and that's pretty big! I picked one and it's sitting in my cup holder, I feel bad for killing it, but I told the plant thank you for sharing with me...I hardly ever pick flowers, but there were so many and I couldn't help myself. It's making me very happy if it's any consolation to it's mommy. Sun flowers are so beautiful to me, they seem so perfect. Bright bright yellow with that dark brown furry middle, it's like they know they are gorgeous but are totally content to just reach toward the sky and shine right along with the sun, no questions asked. I love them.

In the sun flower field there were grasshoppers bounding and hopping about everywhere. They kept smacking into me and I began laughing at them. They were either letting me have it, or I totally disrupted something important cuz there was grasshopper madness all around me. It was so funny, I'm not mocking their efforts...but it was cute I guess more than anything. "Watch out, grasshoppers will pee on you!" I always tell Max, and they do. I should know, I was a grasshopper farmer when I was 10. I had tiny shed in the back of our house, filled with weeds and other random plants. And grasshoppers. Lots of them. I've not seen that many again until today. What a wonderful memory, playing in the late summer afternoon with grasshoppers bouncing all around me and me giggling up a storm for whatever reason may have struck me at the time, not even one single care in the world. Damn, those are such good thoughts.

I guess it's pretty easy to get lost in 1/2 an hour:)

The Hormone Monster Has Attacked

Max's birthday is rapidly approaching, he'll be 13. Consider the following:

A) According to my Grandma Barbie who has raised 4 of them, it's best to just lock them in a closet for about 5 - 7 years and then *presto* you've got a fully acclimated, matured and a healthy young man/woman who loves you again.

B) According to my GramE who has raised 5 of them, while there were many difficult times with her children, she has some of the fondest memories of her kids during their teen years and she did not lock them in a closet.

I choose Option B, but right now Option A sounds much more appealing. I'm sure they both have excellent points, but would it really be so bad if my baby just went quietly into adult hood without becoming a little butt head in the process? I really like him the way he is, he is exceptionally sweet and kind and used to really like me. Until about the last month or so.

However, there must be some magical switch because true to form...he is turning into one of THEM! Yes folks, the ones you hear about on Television and see walking the Mall with their parents...it's my 2 year old trapped in a 13 year old body! More whine for your buck! All the temper tantrums you can't handle! And within just a few months, more like weeks really. All for the low low price of "Mom I need _____ !" and "Mom can I have _____ ?" and don't forget "Mom can you take me _____ ?"

I thought this all to be just an ugly rumor, a fable, perhaps a hoax or urban legend, but no. It's true. They are Little Monsters, a mere imposter of the sweet little baby you once knew. And don't let the fact that you changed their diapers, and held them screaming in the middle of the night when they had colicky, took them to their first day of kindergarten, washed and kissed every owie, went to every Soccer game and snuggled them for hours on the couch for 13 years fool you...those days are over. All I have left are the memories *sniff*

I now know that my child is going to be a strange little bird for the next several years. I am now (by default) She Who Must Be Tested Constantly. Boy does this seem familiar? I thought we already went through this when Max was like 2 and 4 and 8...sigh. Ok, so I got lucky, he's been a great kid over all and still is, I know it. It's not his fault he's in Hormone Hell and apt to travel the landscape speaking in tongues and shape shifting.

It's ok, I will be there with him to battle the strangeness and awkwardness of this new experience. Through the snarling, high pitches outbursts and moody wanderings about the house; new memories will emerge. I embrace it and am finding a great amount of humor in the whole situation, because from what I can see, a good sense of humor and a strong backbone are going to be essential in this situation.

Yesterday afternoon as he was stomping about the house and really carrying on whenever I asked him to do something, it all clicked in my head and heart. Just as when he was a toddler, learning to walk and shoveling grass in his mouth to see what that was all about; he is now facing the challenges of becoming increasingly independent and forming who he is as an individual. And just as like when he was a toddler, it is my job to patiently and consistently create a firm, but flexible and adaptable structure. A structure allowing him space and freedom within reason, all the while waiting in the wings should he need me.

I have to excuse myself, Little Man just phoned and has apparently managed to smack his head hard enough on the locker above him to establish a goose-egg size lump on the top of his forehead. For those of you who don't know, this is yet another symptom. His body is growing faster then his senses and cognitive ability can keep up with. Now he's 10 times as likely to bang his head, trip over his own sweet little feet and randomly catch his fingers in the cupboards or refrigerator door, I feel bad for him. How frustrating for him! It's almost painful to watch and hard not to giggle sometimes too, I guess I can't really laugh at him but I am thinking of investing in a full body suit with padding an a helmet, just in case.

***Long Weekends Rock***

I could get used to 3-day weekends. At some point in my career, I look forward to the idea of work 30 hours a week, possibly with Friday's off. I realize that's probably 20 years away at the rate I'm going, but maybe some day I'll be able to work part time and have Friday's off. However, there are currently many little whispers in my ear about what figuring out what I want to be when I grow up and focusing energies on increasing my skill set may be something to delve into sooner rather than later.

I am a huge procrastinator. Procrastinator? Maybe, maybe not...can I help it that having fun and enjoying my loved ones and doing what I want to do is more appealing then working 60 hours a week and spending arduous hours organizing my photo albums? I only have so many moments on this planet in my current existence, I'd rather cherish and consume each morsel with the flavor that suites me then struggle against a grain I do not understand or appreciate.

Mild weekend overall. I saw Evan Baby, he's so cute and snuggly. I love babies, they are warm in a way that nothing else is. You can feel the warmth of their bodies in you arms long after you set them down. We took Maxter to Water World on Sunday morning. FYI: Choice time to go! It was relatively quiet, not nearly as many people as usual. Plus it wasn't so hot. Other than that we mostly hung out around the house, good food and good spirits. Txt messaged the girls Sunday night, Matty came over after the non-existent foam party and became Matt Of The Couch afterward. Enjoyable weekend overall, though I spent a chunk of it feeling like I should be working and getting things accomplished. Damn Lazy-Ass Procrastinator!

To Do This Week:
- Blogg Wisconsin Trip
- Thank You Cards to Wisconsinites
- Develop Film
- Grocery Shop (BLECH!)
- Eye Doc/Primary Care Doc Appointments
- House Hunting
- ECCAD Donor Links
- Domestic Crap (BLECH!)

Off to make my 'To Do List' for work, have a wonderful Tuesday that feels like a Monday:-)

Disbelief

The sense I get from most is a state of total disbelief about the events in New Orleans and the Gulf Region. It's really difficult to digest this reality, I don't think Americans have ever witnessed something so incomprehensible in this region. Though I think it's safe to say that many of us are able to acknowledge that natural disasters, violence, rapes, hunger and lack of medical care are a daily occurrences for a large chunk of the World and as Americans, we are fairly spoiled and ignorant to these struggles.

Possibly that is why it is so shocking. Going about ones typical activities with the knowledge that children starve to death every single day may be upsetting for some, but easily dismissed when it's Ocean's away. But when it's in their own back yard, it is pretty frightening and difficult to fathom which I think has a paralyzing effect on communities and decisions makers as a whole. As I often say, fear is powerful. Perhaps this accounts for the lack of coordination and immediate response measures? I don't know and I choose not to speculate as I don't know all of the facts, I doubt any of us truly know the depths of this situation as we are still in reactionary mode and will be for some time.

What I do know is that while I believe the media in it's true-to-form nature has sensationalized the horrors of the past week to the general public, I think what is happening is real and people are suffering.

Mother Earth is powerful and our respect for Her should supercede our greed for Her resources. Quite possibly our impact as humans beings on our environment have much to do with the climatic extremities we've witnessed in the past several years, but I do not believe the increasing severity of this situation stems purely from the weather and climate that are part of the cyclical nature of our dear planet. No question there would've been loss due to the hurricane itself, but my heart whispers of something much more sinister.

Seems the chaos has much more to do with the ravages of shear poverty and frustrations over the clearly biased sociological lines that still exist in America, especially the South. Not to mention the declining funds for emergency preparedness and relief efforts in that part of the country. The lack of response and ability to take a leadership role in a time of crisis? That award would go to our famed President and his administration which never ceases to disappoint.

Time will tell. But in the interim, my thoughts and heart are with every women attempting to quiet a hungry baby; every looter consumed with hate or greed; every elderly woman needing immediate medical attention. Please stay safe, stay out of the water as much as possible and choose your actions wisely, what you do today may have more impact then you know tomorrow.

¿Cuál Es Nuevo?

Can anyone tell me what's new about my blogg today?

I'm Home!

A quick note cuz I'm slammed at work, but I'm home from Wisconsin. Great trip, glad to be home though. I missed Chance and my Kittens tremendously, wonderful to see his warm and loving smile and snuggle the sweet black fur of my babies! Gotta run for now, peace out g's ;-P

Um, Mom...we're still moving...

Yes and at Warp Speed Lil' Captain.

The Little Man started Junior High today. I am anxious and a little nervous, but equally excited for him and eager for this to be a positive educational experience. I can't imagine how he must be feeling. He's been bouncing around the house all weekend, seemingly calm and collected about the whole thing but I know he's feeling a little antsy at least. I think the new cell phone, clothes he picked out and hair cut pushed the confidence factor up a bit, that's always a bonus.

He seemed so small getting out of the car with that huge back pack full of books and loose leaf paper and 24 #2 pencils. I keep thinking of lockers and PE, and how many more kids there seems to be and the work load. I am a touch worried about the demands of his class schedule and am hoping it will be managable for him, I remember being overwhelemed by Junior High in those first few days, but it doesn't take long to acclimate. I wish to ease that sense of being overwhelmed, clearly identify the expectations in terms of performance and give him the appropriate freedoms to enjoy the onset of young adulthood.

The Little Man is an exceptional child, he continues to shock and astound me with his natural sense of compassion and humor. As he ages I expect he will turn more inward and move through the motions of self-exploration that occurr during the teen years, I hope that in that process he will maintain his warm heart and sensetive mind and find his own balance in how he will approach life.

My heart sheds tears in reflection of the years that have past and cannot be recaptured, when he would jump into my lap and still loved to snuggle. The time we spent gazing at one antoher when he was born and his first trip to the park where he could crawl on the grass and then tried to eat it. The years in which we spent many hours bonding, reading together and walking through the wilderness. The moments when I needed him just as much as he needed me and the comfort we provided one another during the hard times, even if he didn't know they were 'hard' times. I hope not. I am allowed to have a selfish moment and let the tears flow for the memories, I am a mother and mothers feel for their children in a manner that a word like 'love' cannot truly capture.

My heart rejoices as I bear witness to his metamorphasis. His mind is keen and open, his spirit is curious and wild, his body healthy and strong, his heart full of empathy and determination. He seems to change almost daily, bigger feet and squeaky voices. Much like a baby learning to crawl and then walk, he is growing into his physical self and experimenting and testing it as he catches up with his own body. He eats and sleeps more and more. He is becoming a Little Man at lightening speed, it's really quite amazing. He makes me laugh alot, I think he enjoys making others laugh. I think he likes to be helpful and busy with his hands. Quite outstanding.

I cannot know what is it come for the Little Man, but we are fortunate in the discovery of his personal experience together.

I am very quickly learning to be happy and content in hanging out on the sidelines until he needs me and letting him play the field. As nature would dictate I suppose, I am learning to breathe and trust in his ability. It requires a lot of silent worry and biting of the tongue. This is the Mother's Mantra I suppose.

Best of luck on your first day of Junior High Maxter and don't worry, everyone else there is new to. You'll find your classes ok. Don't fret, just run and be free and take the opportunity to learn while you are young and your mind absorbs everything. Stay safe and be patient with others. I love you Little Man, you are a blessing and I got your back always, no matter what.

What I Learned This Week

What I learned This Week

· There really is no excuse for being impatient and/or short with others just because you are having a particularly foul moment. Sincere apologies and a very real effort to avoid reactionary behaviors is the only option. Being hurtful, disrespectful or sarcastic is not a behavior I wish to propagate.

· Genuine interactions with everyone in ones life goes a long way. A simple and real “Thank You” or “I Understand” may be all it takes to make another persons day, in turn, I have found that an authentic compliment or warm hug from another is all it takes to make my own.

· Reminiscing on your experiences and what you’ve learned from those who have profoundly touched your life and making time when you can for those who have influenced you and that you love is important, it speaks volumes. It says to that person, “I value you, I appreciate you and I am thankful for your presence in my life.” We all need to know that about our relationships with others at least some of the time.

· You don’t have to be 100% present in the lives of others to share in their experiences and to let them know that they live in your heart with every moment.

· An image of a woman who has become a dear friend to me sleeping with her newborn son brings such complete warmth and love to my spirit that I am overcome. The beauty of that moment captured portrays the very gift of the journey they are about to embark upon together, not only as Mother and Son, but also as a bonded unit in the face of the world.

· While mundane and excruciatingly boring and obnoxious some days, domestic chores are a necessary element in daily life. I am slow to accept that the dishes must be done every day, that the laundry will pile up and require washing again once again and that tidiness is a fundamental aspect of organization that must exist in order to function. This is not only a minor irritation, it so completely boggles me that I must submit my energy and time to this ridiculousness when I’d much rather be writing in my blogg or journal or playing outside. The feminist voice in my head screams at the idea that no matter how far the concept of what women personify in our very existence, it falls on us to create a home and maintain a household, even when working a full time job. Then I look at the opportunities I have, the love and color of my environment and realize that much of it is what I create and that if I wish for it be, I must make it so. I really have no room to whine or complain, life has been good to me and when I consider what it is that I give out to the Universe and the grandness of what it gives to me, I hardly feel I can get snippy about scrubbing the bath tub or picking up socks. Not to mention it is a gentle lesson in humbleness, I certainly am above no other and what makes me so special that I should not be subject to such things? Nothing. I could be working in a Brothel of the Red Light District of Calcutta, or forced into submission because I was born into culture that says it is so. This is not to say that I do not respect other cultures and belief systems, it is not for me to judge, only to reflect on and know that when I wake up in the morning, my life is not a struggle to simply exist or feed my child. So I will continue perform these duties with love in my heart and a smile on my face.

· Formal education does not begin in Kindergarten or end upon the completion of a University degree. It is a life long process and requires ongoing effort. If I am to further my career and excel in who I am, it is my responsibility to pursue additional skills and information out side of my existing knowledge base. Formal education is not the basis of who I am, nor do I praise it as being the be all-end all to an educated mind, I do not choose it because it is expected of me or because it is a trophy of ones achievements. But it is a tool and it is something I have the opportunity to explore. I must do so, much as I see others in my immediate surroundings do so. I am proud of them and eager to see the fruits of their labors as the years pass.

· Engaging a soon to be 13 year old boy in every argument, power struggle or clash of wills that presents itself in any given day is hardly something worth expending one’s energy on. Nor is it healthy for either one of us. Besides, I will not “win”, it’s not about winning. My stubbornness does not need to supercede his need to grow. He has to know what it is to succeed and make his own choices out side of me and my opinion. He has to know WHO he is out side of me. I cannot control his growth, experiences, nature or choices. I can only guide and be there when he thrives and when he falls down. I must trust in who he is and who I am and know that his own voyage is only beginning and I cannot protect him from it or inflict my irrational fears on him. This is a hard lesson, I want so badly to protect him and know that he is safe. I feel selfish in it. That selfishness is not going to propagate his success, only push him into a very unhealthy cycle. Walking outside of my own selfish need for this child is my only option as an individual and as his mother.

· The individuals in my life are so totally outstanding in there very being that I often marvel at their ability to just be who they are. I love them all with such fever that I can hardly express it with words. We are all so fortunate, in our encounters with one another.

· Worry about much of anything is completely useless. Holding anxiety internally does not change something that may or may not be. I have the ability to change some things, but not all things. Even if I could, what would I do with it and would I want to? That is doubtful. Really. It is not how the cycle is intended to work. If I truly believe that you create your own existence, I must live this in my thought and heart songs without making attempts to control the minutia. I have made remarkable strides in doing so, but am still fighting a beast that was born before I was. The negativity that is anxiety and worry is not something I choose.

· Somewhere along the line the idea that I am unworthy, that others are peering down their noses at me and that I am a lesser being wormed it’s way into my thought process. I could easily name the sources and lay all sorts of blame, but know that ultimately, it is my choice to perceive myself in this manner. This, in itself, creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have let go and healed through of much of the rage and pain that once existed in my spirit, but it I know my ability to envision myself, as a lovable, capable and unique individual is not something that comes naturally. Again, a self-fulfilling prophecy. Gaining this does not come from external realms; no matter how much I am loved, nurtured and cared for the change begins with me. It is a change I strive for.

· When my body speaks to me, I must listen. This is not rocket science. If my tummy tells me I am full, I no longer need to eat. If my internal clocks says I am tired, it is time to sleep. If my ankles cry out to be stretched and back aches from sitting in cube-hell all day long, perhaps some Yoga is in order. If my mind speaks of solitude and nurturing of my spirit, I cannot feel guilty for doing so or wonder if others in my life will abandon me or feel anger toward me for caring for myself. If my soul begs for nutriment, I must willingly yield to that need. I’ve spent a lot of my life seeking instant gratification of mental, spiritual and physical well being. It cannot be gained from food, or sex, or alcohol or drugs or because I read a book. It is a combination of internal dialogue and thought, openly giving and receiving love, practicing the teachings of my belief systems, physical exploration of my body and nature and supplying myself the nutritional foundation to do partake in all of these activities. It’s so easy to identify the fundamentals here, but much more difficult to practice.

· Stereotypes are ugly, ugly notions. For every label we put on one another, one is being forced unto us and this pattern of judgment upon one another is so completely horrible and hostile to me. From a sociological aspect, stereotypes exist to identify how we participate in society and what each of our perceived “roles” are. These identified “roles” are also designed to not only group us into classes of some sort BUT also segregate us from one another in the process. Be it as it may, I am a firm believer in many Sociological ideologies and principals in many ways as it addresses the world society at large on a macro level and this is critical in the very fact that we cohabitate with millions of people and the science of this is fascinating. Not to mention the spiritual implications of macro level thought and how it pertains to all of us in its process. We are all but busy bee’s in the grander hive. Many see this as cold and or callous. I don’t think so. It is reality. At least to me. But the practice of purely Sociological thought does not account for individuality, unique thought or the sacred entities that exist within each and every one of us. I am shocked at how quickly I see people cast a stereotype unto one another. Fat, skinny. Ugly, gorgeous. Intelligent, stupid. Silly, elegant. Promiscuous, chaste. Black, brown, yellow, white. Wealthy, middle class, poor white trash, redneck. Straight, bi-sexual, fag, dyke. Social drinker, alcoholic. Casual drug user, drug addict. Homeless. Republican, Democrat, Libertain, Green Party. Horrifying or not, our culture openly and willingly jokes about these labels and for whatever reason, take great satisfaction and pleasure in calling each other names. But we all identify with this game playing because stereotypes call to all of us, whether we engage in it willingly or not. It is forced upon us. A word is taken and applied it to an aspect of our personality, physical being, lifestyle choices or even worse, some aspect of who and/or what we were born to be and then mocked quaintly to the rest of the world. What do we do about it? If we even care enough to notice? I know to many this may sound overly idealistic or impossible or even impractical, but I can’t help but feel that much of the hate and frustrations built into a burning fire in our culture would subside to some degree if we all took a second look at one another and moved past the images created and fed to us from external sources. It starts with us. It is up to us to remember the uniqueness and value of all and not give into the stereotypes.

I guess I didn’t learn this all on one week, but this is my week in a nutshell.

Star Dust

Yes, boys and girls the wondrous day has arrived and little baby Evan Cain Mundt was born at 1:55 PM, Saturday, August 6th 2005 to Justin & Colleen Mundt, proud parents of the a most precious little pink bundle of sweetness.

Here's a little detail:
Momma was due August 5th. Momma went into labor about 10ish Friday night (August 5th) and went to the hospital about 3 AM Saturday morning (August 6th) after her water broke on the potty, for any of you WHO don't realize the truly magnificent aspect of this little detail, just take heart in knowing that this is a miracle and a very lucky one at that. I am sure she doesn't want me sharing this with the world, but I couldn't help it. Pretty lucky for her and Dad! Anyway, Momma and Poppa made their way to the hospital (which is gorgeous BTW and totally state of the art) and she went into hard labor about 11:30 and the little dude was right on time at 1:55 PM! It sounds like Colleen did great and had a bit of a hard time during part of the delivery, but over all did wonderfully. I am not surprised, she is a steadfast one if I say so myself, ornery as hell but damit if she doesn't put it down when necessary. This child is going be VERY clear about where his boundaries are;)

I went to the hospital about 4PM, imagine...holding a 2 hour old infant! Astonishing. Certainly, I've held my share of infants (Max was defiantly the pinkest and cutest with his big ole blue eyes staring me down) but each and every time I get one of those little souls in my arms I am completely shocked at how EVERY SINGLE time I see a brand new baby I am overcome by the experience. The tiny little everything, the eyes registering the light and detail, the squeals and squeaks, the warmth of their little swaddled bodies, the very newness of their existence. It's so overwhelming, it's like you have the answer to every quandary and conundrum in your very hands and it comes from the body of The Goddess Mother. 'We are all made of the same stuff, star dust.' I don't remember who said it, but it was a quote used during a Planetarium show we attended a few months ago. Breathing in this new little life form reminded me of that quote, he is made of the same stuff as I am and that you are, we all have the answers within us and we all come from the same place, made of the same stuff. I saw The Goddess Creator that was Colleen in that moment, I saw her often very stern and determined face soften considerably and the brightness of her eyes in holding her baby. Mother and child, bonding, staring at one another, learning every intricate detail of one another. I saw Love and how it moved me, Love in it's most complete and purest form.

As always, the birth of a new baby also brings my experiences with Little Man to the surface. That in spite of great adversity, this child came to be and we flourished. Maybe I will pull together the entire story some day, it would likely be a painful but rewarding endeavor, but there is one detail that stands out to me when I think of my child's birth. I became very ill after having Max, within hours I had a temperature exceeding 103 and was basically delirious from pain and medications. It turned out to be a Staph infection. I remember the hospital staff taking Max to clean him up after I had a moment with him, then a very fuzzy flash forward to trying to see him in the nursery and the nurse escorting me back to my room because I was in no condition to stand. I remember being very upset, I wanted to see him so badly. The nurse said she'd bring him to our room. Flash forward to the next morning, I woke up and was in such pain, my body felt like it has been split open and everything in my middle section felt like it was on fire. My body knew that something was missing and some thing about that was very unnerving. I was laying on the hospital bed, IV's and fluids pumping through me. I was laying on my side, something like a fetal position and I opened my eyes. I opened my eyes to these two enormous brilliant blue eyes just gazing at me, we stared at each other for a very long time. It seemed like hours, it may have been. I don't know. Neither of us moved or motioned, just stared. I believe in that moment Max and I had some sort of telepathic experience, even if only in a very core manner. The intensity of that experience and his sweet sweet eyes are very strong memories, ones that are so completely engrained my mind, carthedic in nature. I had no idea at all, what this child would bring to my life. Not a clue, in any way could I even begin to comprehend.

And then I think of the challenges this new Momma and Poppa are facing. I am so proud of both of them and my heart swells with adoration as they face the challenges and embracing the gift. Parenting is confusing stuff, it has moments that are so trying it's a wonder people continue to populate and submit themselves to that insanity, but it's all the other moments when you see the Universe in your child's eyes and are completely soothed by their laughter and want nothing but to dry the tears and comfort their sadness. When you think of it like that, it's no wonder at all. The financial struggles, the moments of utter frustration, the days when you want to pull your hair out, it is all very real, but I have a faith in these two and their abilities to love this child. Kids that are loved grow up to give love and succeed, they have a head start, Justin & Colleen are giving him that head start just by being the wonderful people that they are. All children deserve this 'head start', I wish there were more I could do to see that each and every one of them have it.

And I think of Colleen and wonder what shifts will occur in her spirit as this child grows and her inner Momma Bear grows as well. Motherhood has a way of changing a girl, I am always fascinated by the transition, however subtle. I suspect Justin's colors will also transform and change with this experience, I believe they will be fantastic parents. I think of me and wonder if I will be sane after Max's teen years. I think I don't want to think about it right now:)

And I think of how all Women are The Goddess Creator, physical birth does not define this. Our wombs and warm hearts make us Mothers. Our spirits and ability to nurture and give make us Mothers. Our gorgeous bodies, designed to not only give and sustain life, but equally designed to give and sustain great pleasure and knowledge, this makes us Mothers. And Creators. And Goddesses.

'We are all made of the same stuff, star dust.'

Rainy Day Random Reflections

It's a generally quiet week here at PDC, some minor work here and there but relatively calm with little to do. I cannot complain, I do not mind really, besides it's given me ample opportunity to blogg a little more then usual I just love blabbering.

I've managed to hurt my wrists, I think I slept on them strangely last night. I didn't sleep well last night, kept hearing bumps, thumps and other unidentified sounds. I've always thought my house might have spirits with unfinished business here, but I am not sure it had anything to do with that. In other bedtime news, The Buffalo I normally snuggle was replaced by The Momma Leopard & Her Cub, but she is a little bulky and awkward so The Buffalo will remain my favorite cuddle toy for sleep. I like to cuddle CMan too, but he is not very pliable and has bones, you can clearly see the challenges there.

It's rainy today, I love it. Perhaps the Pacific Northwest would be a good place for me after all, I really enjoy weather of all kinds. I always wondered if the cloudy rain would get to me if I were to head up North, but I'm not so sure. I would miss the snow though, if I moved away from Colorado. I like the 'snow-vibe.' I like being cozied up in bed and wake up to the snow and then go back to sleep or choose to put my pajama's and slippers on and waddle over to the couch and then watching the snow from there and then going back to bed and being warm and watching the snow from there too...I would miss that. I also like the way it looks against the street lamps as it falls a night, I have many memories of being outside in the snow at night, sometimes just a few flakes, other times a straight out blizzard. I would miss that a lot.

This is a strange odor in the office right now, I'm not sure I am very comfortable with it and am thinking of pursuing the source but am nervous about the whole 'You smelt it, you dealt it' aspect of walking around the office sniffing and asking 'What is that smell?'

I do hope work doesn't all dump on me right before I am to leave for Wisconsin the end of this month? I am a little nervous about visiting my family in that direction, it's been a very long time and I've changed tremendously. My Grandparents won't even know what to think as they have a knowledge of me the rest of my family does not, I am certainly no longer a little innocent lass, though I play one very well should I choose to *wink* Anyhow, if memory serves I am facing some large differences politically and in food choices, but otherwise we all like beer and to laugh a lot, a Universal Common Ground. Works for me. Can't wait to show the Little Man off, I am quite proud of what a wonderful spirit he is, I think they will all agree.

Even thought it has been a quiet week, I am looking forward to the weekend. I can't wait to sleep in on Saturday morning and hang out with Little Man all weekend. CMan and I are thinking of taking him to the drive in this weekend. I think he'd dig the whole idea, maybe we'll make a picnic out of it?

I keep reading all this hype on the internet about Al Quaida's supposed 'threats' to America & London......fear is a powerful weapon, especially in the hands of a huge super power with millions of tax payers. I wonder what this will all look like 20 years from now, what Max will remember and what changes in culture will be attributed to this time period in history, mostly I think it will just be embarrassing for all of us.

Getting ready to head out for the day, go hang out with Little Man for the afternoon.

Peace.

"This whole world's wild at heart and weird on top."
~Lula
*Wild At Heart.

Becuase It Is The Right Thing....For Me...It's Not About You.

Let me just state the obvious: My life style, method of thought, decisions and choices are all based on what is right for me and embody the very essence of my (MY!) belief system.

I do not pass judgment unto others who do not hold the same beliefs as I do, I welcome the unique perspective of others. I do not expect you to agree, concede, accept, participate, adapt or even consider my perspective and choices; I do not seek your validation. If your position differs from my own, I do not require justifications from you. If my very presence some how brings forth thoughts and/or feelings of guilt for your own decisions and/or life style, I do not need a lengthy explanation as to why you make the decisions that you do. It's really ok. Really.

I am not personally offended by you or your way of life, why are you by mine?

I hardly understand why it is my responsibility to defend MY choices to you if they make YOU uncomfortable. I have not made the decisions I've made to be difficult, embarrass, harass or some how guilt you in to my belief system. I love you. All.

This is my life path and I am walking it as gracefully and thoughtfully as is possible for me. I know what is written on my heart and I follow it to the best of my ability. I do not always succeed, sometimes I switch gears and explore other options but I know I am but a little babe in these great big woods and exploring them just as everyone else does.

If my behaviors, actions, ideals, interests, aura, if I as a human being in some way come across as self-righteous to you, I apologize, it is not my intention. But I will not feel guilt or allow you to chastise me for your lack of tolerance and understanding for my choices.

If I choose to refrain from eating flesh, it is because I disagree with the senseless torture, mutilation and murder of millions of animals and the utter lack of respect for our fellow souls NOT because I think you are some barbarian or condemn you for doing so.

If I choose to refrain from participating in any specific organized religion, it is because I disagree with the methods, ideologies and brainwashing mind control that I see...not because I am disrespecting your freedom to practice any religion you choose or casting a judgment on your belief in Allah, Jesus Christ, Gaia, Green Man Or Your Pet Hampster.

If I choose to refrain from spanking my child, it is not because I think you are a 'bad' parent if that is your method of discipline.

If I choose to party till the wee hours of the morning, engage in 'premarital' sex and run naked through the sprinklers at 3:00 AM, it does NOT mean I think you are a 'party-pooper', 'stuck-up' or a 'tight-ass.'

I do not make these choices out of self-important prideful ego or with motives to quantify my existence, I make my life choices as I move through these motions the best that I can based on what my spirit and heart speak. I do not walk about with a microphone and an amp preaching and touting my thoughts and beliefs to others, it exists within me, if you ask, I will answer. If you find my answer unacceptable or concerned of what others might think of you by associating with me, then YOU have the choice to disagree and kindly be on your way. I will not stop you and I will not hold it in my heart as I would hope you would not in yours.

Nameste

Spork Part Deux

I am a Class A Dumbass this morning. Max was scheduled for summer camp today, I completely screwed up the next two weeks in my mind's schedule. He's going this week and next week but was supposed to go M, T, W & F THIS week and M, W, F NEXT week....damit, what a waste of money and now he's at all bored n' stuff. Obviously things need to slow down a little, I can't keep things straight. Time to make use of my Unicorn Calendar again me thinks. Slooooow it down sister!

I am getting conflicting reports on my Grandmother, I talked to Mom last night and she said everything seemed fine. The first email from my Grandfather this morning said the same and then the second indicated she had a fever, was feeling very run down and they were looking at more tests. That says infection to me, I don't know for sure, but that's what my gut says and that makes me nervous. Thanks to all of your good wishes, all of that positive energy and thought in her direction is definitely all we can do right now. I will keep you posted as we move forward.

Had a wonderful evening with CMan last night, we do so good. I'm not sure how or why I do it, but sometimes I forget how compatible and loving we are with one another and rarely tend to stay upset with each other at all and neither of us hold grudges (I'm too lazy to hold a grudge? Rhi???? LOL!) We are taking this weekend as an opportunity for a VERY quiet weekend at home and have decided this weekend has to be about us and chilling at the house. I am already looking forward to it. Besides, Little Man is starting school sooner than he thinks, he's gonna need some down time too. Sigh, is it Friday yet????

Work is a little hectic today, one of the managers at our main client is pregnant for the first time and they've had all sorts of upheaval...she's a sweetheart, but one of those folks who doesn't handle any kind of stress so well. So EVERYTHING is a big deal and EVERYDAY the sky is falling....she's chasing her tail and I'm just doing my best to get her what she needs all the while refusing to allow myself to get consumed by her insanity. I am doing pretty good at it, after working at a place like TNT for 2 years, a girl develops pretty thick skin to such things.

Oh yes and a trivia question.....I made it up all by myself, hee hee:)
What movie musical has several scenes in which the key players and performers are consuming Absinth in great volume and the Absinth itself plays a crucial role within the over all plot?

Oatmeal With A Fork?

Sans Friday evening with my girls, which was a blast, this has not been the best of weekends. Actually, mostly just Sunday was upsetting and frustrating. Because I got absolutely nothing done on Saturday, I spent my Sunday morning working. Doing dishes, cleaning, grocery shopping and trying to get some level of organization back. Our house is small, one little thing out of place makes the whole house look like a disaster. This made me grumpy, I wanted to sleep. I wanted to lay in bed with CMan and snuggle. No dice.

My Grandma Barbie (Mom's Mom) is in the hospital. Has had surgery to implant a pace maker and her body is rejecting it. She spent a full year getting off of the Morphine she's been taking for chronic, debilitating arthritis which she's suffered from since her early 20's and they pumped her full of it again yesterday after the surgery. I could just strangle that doctor, what an insensitive jerk. She didn't even have the option to protest and was not given an option otherwise. He has no idea what she has been through in terms of withdrawal with this drug, everyone knows how addictive it. She is not doing well, they had to reinsert her chest tube twice (cringe) as they are trying to open up the air waves to her lungs. The pacemaker is squishing her lungs basically and since her body is rejecting it as well, her lungs need all the air they can get. I really don't know how to feel right now, neither does my Mom. What do we do? The idea of my Grandfather having to go through this on his own (no immediate family there) and the image of my Grandmother laying in that hospital bed alone is unbearable. They live in Tennessee, Mom and I already talked about going if the need arises. My job will understand, I have to be there for them if necessary. All we can do now is wait and that's the worst.

CMan and I had an ugly fight last night. I am hurt and frustrated. Besides my child, he is the closest person to me. He is my best friend and when we are hurtful to one another it resonates to the very core of my being. I said mean things, so did he. He was grumpy all day yesterday and I know he is upset about something. But he is choosing not to share with me, this hurts me, though he keeps insisting it has nothing to do with me. Maybe not, but it still hurts that I am being excluded from whatever it is that's going on internally, yet feeling all of the impact externally. I understand the need for space and gladly give it to him as we are both very independent individuals and need a lot of personal space, but this isn't about space.....sigh....I love him, he'd better know that and not be sitting at work fuming, which he probably is. He is upset about our fight, he is probably as sad as I am about it.

I am sad today. And now I am eating oatmeal with a fork cuz I don't have a spoon. Where's a spork when you need one? Can I get a spork over here????

The good news is that Max is home and I am so grateful to see his sweet smile and get some of that warm 12 year old kid hug love:) He is such an outstand person, he truly is. The other good news is that two of my girls are about to mommies for the first time, I am thrilled. I can't wait for these babies...both are due this week, so expect to hear more details on that. I cannot wait to have those little ones in my arms.

Spork?