Recently, some friends of mine had begun sharing some pics of themselves in
childhood within our social circles on and on FB. It started out as silliness (these things
often do) to one up one another on who has the goofiest childhood photos, of
course I could not resist and jumped right in, looking through old photographs
and trying to find the silliest of them all to parade about and get a good
laugh out of. Only, in doing so, I
experienced something I hadn’t really considered before.
I have gone through periods of such painful loneliness. Questioning myself and my existence, feeling unloved and having a variety of pity parties depending on the current situation at hand. I experienced, and continue to experience, the full range of emotions about my childhood, including everything from convincing myself it was just fine, everyone did the best they could with what they had at the time and I need to forgive and get over myself to what I can only describe as the kind of rage that burns holes in your soul. And as always, somewhere in the middle, rarely is anything on one extreme spectrum or the other. There are gray parts, middles parts, different shades and flavors.
Firstly, I looked at some of these images of myself and saw a really beautiful and innocent little girl, things I’d never fully been able to believe about myself. I’ve always felt incomplete physically, like there’s something haunting my reflection every time I look at myself in the mirror. I’ve also felt damaged, like the situations and experiences that have shaped my life made me an adult or put me into adult situations long before I ever even got my first period. “Innocent” is not a word I would have used to describe myself, because I’ve NEVER felt anything close to child like innocent that I can really remember. Surely, I’ve been able to call on that innocent little girl, when I work at it, but it takes real effort and isn’t really a natural state of being for me. Looking through these images of myself, with family members, in school pictures and so on, I finally, for the first time maybe in my whole life - saw a really pretty and sweet little girl, with blue eyes, freckles and very often smiling, in fact most of the time, smiling.
Secondly, I am now able to look at these images of myself in childhood through the eyes of a parent. A parent who can reflect on her child’s growth and development and what the love between mother and child is like. A parent who is only just not beginning to feel truly like she’s becoming the mother she was meant to be. A parent who has many, many children she loves with every nook and cranny of her heart. My son, B (my “niece” K’s daughter), M’s got 2 friends from his younger years that I absolutely love with all of my heart and would pick up in the middle of the night should they need me and they know it, my nephew whom I automagically feel all this tremendous warmth and love towards even though I’ve not gotten to spend a lot of time with him yet I feel a strong urge to be involved in his life, even K’s niece whom I cannot get enough of. Bailey and Bella have also opened my heart up so very wide to the concept of loving ones children, I can’t even begin to describe that love. I think of how deeply I love these children, how they fill my heart up and how I would do anything for them. When I see these images of myself, with my Mother and Father, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, family friends – even my dogs growing up – I can clearly see that I was loved in this way. I now am able to truly understand how passionately and completely adults love the children in their lives and that SO many people in my life loved me as a little girl, with that same intensity and enjoyment that I feel for my own children. Yes, it is true that we do the best we can with what we have within that moment and I have come a long with in learning the skills involved with true forgiveness, probably because I am more able now to identify with the challenges of being parents and that at the end of the day, parents are people too and humans are on a never ending quest in growth and we ALL screw up huge sometimes. After all, mistakes are proof that you are trying, right? But I CAN see, even within photo’s of my mother with me and the few I have of my dad and I – that she, he, THEY loved me so very much and had a support system of family members who would’ve done anything for me.
Somehow, this experience has helped me to further heal and while I know everyone smiles for the camera, I also know what the face and smile of love looks like and I can see it – it is evident. It also feels wonderful to reminisce on my childhood, via photographs and feel warmth and happiness. I came into this world a beautiful little girl, with my own characteristics (warts and all) and is/was loved by many. That little girl has grown up and is finding her way, her life balance and while I’ve always known I am loved, I think I am now more able to understand the depths within the heart that this loves goes. It is unlike any other kind of love and wow am I a lucky, lucky little girl.
I have gone through periods of such painful loneliness. Questioning myself and my existence, feeling unloved and having a variety of pity parties depending on the current situation at hand. I experienced, and continue to experience, the full range of emotions about my childhood, including everything from convincing myself it was just fine, everyone did the best they could with what they had at the time and I need to forgive and get over myself to what I can only describe as the kind of rage that burns holes in your soul. And as always, somewhere in the middle, rarely is anything on one extreme spectrum or the other. There are gray parts, middles parts, different shades and flavors.
Firstly, I looked at some of these images of myself and saw a really beautiful and innocent little girl, things I’d never fully been able to believe about myself. I’ve always felt incomplete physically, like there’s something haunting my reflection every time I look at myself in the mirror. I’ve also felt damaged, like the situations and experiences that have shaped my life made me an adult or put me into adult situations long before I ever even got my first period. “Innocent” is not a word I would have used to describe myself, because I’ve NEVER felt anything close to child like innocent that I can really remember. Surely, I’ve been able to call on that innocent little girl, when I work at it, but it takes real effort and isn’t really a natural state of being for me. Looking through these images of myself, with family members, in school pictures and so on, I finally, for the first time maybe in my whole life - saw a really pretty and sweet little girl, with blue eyes, freckles and very often smiling, in fact most of the time, smiling.
Secondly, I am now able to look at these images of myself in childhood through the eyes of a parent. A parent who can reflect on her child’s growth and development and what the love between mother and child is like. A parent who is only just not beginning to feel truly like she’s becoming the mother she was meant to be. A parent who has many, many children she loves with every nook and cranny of her heart. My son, B (my “niece” K’s daughter), M’s got 2 friends from his younger years that I absolutely love with all of my heart and would pick up in the middle of the night should they need me and they know it, my nephew whom I automagically feel all this tremendous warmth and love towards even though I’ve not gotten to spend a lot of time with him yet I feel a strong urge to be involved in his life, even K’s niece whom I cannot get enough of. Bailey and Bella have also opened my heart up so very wide to the concept of loving ones children, I can’t even begin to describe that love. I think of how deeply I love these children, how they fill my heart up and how I would do anything for them. When I see these images of myself, with my Mother and Father, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, family friends – even my dogs growing up – I can clearly see that I was loved in this way. I now am able to truly understand how passionately and completely adults love the children in their lives and that SO many people in my life loved me as a little girl, with that same intensity and enjoyment that I feel for my own children. Yes, it is true that we do the best we can with what we have within that moment and I have come a long with in learning the skills involved with true forgiveness, probably because I am more able now to identify with the challenges of being parents and that at the end of the day, parents are people too and humans are on a never ending quest in growth and we ALL screw up huge sometimes. After all, mistakes are proof that you are trying, right? But I CAN see, even within photo’s of my mother with me and the few I have of my dad and I – that she, he, THEY loved me so very much and had a support system of family members who would’ve done anything for me.
Somehow, this experience has helped me to further heal and while I know everyone smiles for the camera, I also know what the face and smile of love looks like and I can see it – it is evident. It also feels wonderful to reminisce on my childhood, via photographs and feel warmth and happiness. I came into this world a beautiful little girl, with my own characteristics (warts and all) and is/was loved by many. That little girl has grown up and is finding her way, her life balance and while I’ve always known I am loved, I think I am now more able to understand the depths within the heart that this loves goes. It is unlike any other kind of love and wow am I a lucky, lucky little girl.
