Distraction

Distraction

It’s a rainy, cool Monday morning in Denver Colorado and I’m distracted beyond distraction. The rain, the migraine that keeps threatening me, the man child, the Pumpkin head…aw, so much to think about on a busy Monday morning. I’m looking to the heavens for a little direction and focus, cuz so far it’s just not on the menu this morning.

Max is home again and that feels solid and lovely. He continues to grow into such a fine human being, I’m very proud. He’s too thin and I can tell he’s not been getting enough rest, but otherwise, he seems pretty well over all and ready to embark on the next phase in his life. The drive itself to Casper and back went off without a hitch (save some fog and icy roads on the way up) and with a little help from Max’s friends we were able to manage all of this things in both of our cars without any trouble at all. Seeing Max’s dad is always awkward, Max’s friends commented on the tension between us. That’s too bad, but really, I don’t hold any need to make friends with this person. Our child is a legal adult, sans babies or marriage or medical issues…I doubt I’ll have to interact much with this person in the future and that’s ok with me. I try not to judge the relationship they seem to have forged. I do feel a little protective of Max in this regard as I fear perhaps his father views him more as a party buddy then his child as I am all to familiar with this approach to parenting– it’s not quite what I’d had in mind for them, but hey…that’s between them and I am choosing to keep my mouth shut and remain grateful for the fact that Max seems to have found what he was looking for by going out there in the first place. Max has the whole world in front of him now and I’m so very proud of him – we’ll see how the future unfolds!

Losing Pumpkin this weekend is clearly on the heart and mind. I am at peace with her passing in the sense that this is how life is supposed to be - long and filled with lots of love, experiences and warmth– her actual passing was very peaceful. It was quiet, I held her close to me as she went. She was not in any pain, I made sure of that. I had some left over pain meds from a previous procedure and I knew in my heart she was on her way out and I saw no reason not to give this to her if it made her more comfortable, it may have even speeded up the process a little, I’m not sure. I feel a little strange about it, but I know if I’d taken her to the 24hr emergency care clinic, they would have done the same thing. There was no saving her and I am not sure I would have even if there was. That little girl lived a long life, far more then the 9 she was originally given and she’s not been herself for about a week now so I think I instinctually knew it was coming. I had hoped it wouldn’t be the first thing Max encountered upon his return home, but I have come to learn that males simply aren’t not the emotional creatures that we are. His attachment to Pumpkin hasn’t been significant and I don’t feel he will equate his homecoming with her death. I’m sure he’ll remember that she passed and my tears, but I think he’s so focused on his own journey that it’s something of a relief just to have the trip be over with and life moving forward. Pumpkins passing is a bit of a relief to be perfectly blunt, I have been praying I would not have to make the decision to euthanize her, I simply have not been able to do it with her up until this point and really, it all went so smoothly, I couldn’t have asked for a better outcome given the emotion involved with the situation. I have opted to bury her up in the mountains; she loved the out doors as a younger cat. I am grateful that I could be with her in her first moments of life and during her last in leaving this world. She was definitely a character as cats go, ornery and demanding and vocal. It’s no wonder we were so bonded.

Dave has been such a wonderful support system in recent weeks. I find myself becoming more and more attached to him. He sure is a sturdy rock whenever I need him. I may just let myself fall in love with him after all.

Pray for me my friends, I now live with TWO men and I can assure you, much patience on my end will be required. Time for myself is going to be in the cards regularly. The puggies and I, we’ll be going on lots of walks I suspect. Which is good given Bailey’s little weight problem *shh don’t talk about it, she’s sensitive*

Love to you all
S

"Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self" - Pink

Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self

You're angry
I know this
The world couldn't care less
You're lonely
I feel this
And you wish you were the best
No teachers
Or guidance
And you always walk alone
You're crying
At night when
Nobody else is home

Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darling
I promise you that it won't always feel this bad
There are so many things I want to say to you
You're the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken thirteen year old me

You're laughing
But you're hiding
God I know that trick too well
You forget
That I've been you
And now I'm just the shell
I promise
I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don't try to
Grow up yet
Oh just give it some time

The pain you feel is real you're not asleep but it's a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Oh don't lose your passion or the fighter that's inside of you
You're the girl I used to be
The pissed off complicated thirteen year old me

Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self

Until we meet again
Oh I wish you well oh
I wish you well
Little girl
Until we meet again
Oh
I wish you well
Little girl
I wish you well
Until we meet again
My little thirteen year old me