Self-preservation or selfish-ness?
What is the difference between an act of self-preservation and an act of pure selfish-ness? I suppose I should probably know the difference in some innate way, it should be obvious, no?
For me, however, the lines are often blurred because I sometimes struggle with understanding the how’s and why’s of doing what is right and what is right for me. I am equally confused as to why so often, these two things don’t always seem to mesh as well I’d like.
A good example of this is my time and energy. I am so fortunate to have such a lovely base of loving friends, family and colleagues who wish to include me so actively in their lives. I appreciate them all dearly and I do my very best to attend important functions and spend time with each and every one of them individually as often as is possible. There have been times, that I simply cannot commit to much more than I feel I can handle in a given time period. I sometimes find myself so over-scheduled that I end up canceling last minute due to an illness, work demands, familial situations or I just can’t do it all and be present all of the time. These are the times I loose sight of being able to nurture myself and my own needs, which runs me down.
On the flip side, when I don’t commit to social events and one-on-one time with folks, I get this sense that I am not engaging adequately in my relationships with each of these individual groups respectively, which then turns into this sense of inadequacy and that I will suddenly not be liked for doing what I feel is right for me in that moment, and that is very frustrating for me.
I’ve had a few situations in which I know have disappointed folks and have even lost friends as a result of my not being able to give them what they seem to need from me in return. Perhaps I am too selfish with myself and my time these days?
I have taken some time to really reflect on this and a large part of me feels really resentful towards those who have hassled me for not committing or canceling and partly, this causes me to want to withdraw or commit to much activity, because let’s face it, time is a precious commodity and I feel as if I am struggling simply to identify where my time is best being spent and when I am overly committed, it totally squeezes the life out of me and overwhelms me. I also see area’s in which I can improve in this area, perhaps simply by just admitting to myself and others what I have the time and energy for and being ok with that and accepting their reactions for what they are and letting the chips fall where they may.
This may seem valid, but I can tell you that there have been times when I’ve not committed or gone b/c I simply didn’t want to. Is that ok? Is it really? Does this make me some kind of flake because sometimes, I’d just rather be doing what I want to be doing? Somehow, I’ve just never really thought I was that important in the lives of others that they would be pissed off if I didn’t come out this one night or because I’m not going to spend my Saturday at their 2nd cousin’s Saturday morning baby shower? I am always there for the important events, if someone needs me to help them move, I show up. If someone is in the hospital or just broke up with their partner or their dog died or are having problems with their kids or are having an art exhibition or if they simply say, “Sarah, I need you right now.” I’m there. If nothing else, I am old reliable when it comes to the big stuff and I don’t do it because I want something in return, I do it because it’s the right thing to do. That’s what a solid person is to me, the one’s who are there for you when the shit hits the fan and show up on time most of the time even when it’s not hitting the fan.
Energy wise as well, I find myself feeling a little reclusive. There was a time in my life where I had all the energy in the world to engage with individuals on whatever level might be needed and I have always been highly adaptable in that regard. As I get older, maybe I’m just not as resilliant? I don’t know, but I find myself really not having the energy sometimes to do deal with the demands of a certain parental figure or someone I may barely know but seems to suddenly be latching on for dear life. I just feel totally sucked dry sometimes and I can’t help but feel that this isn’t a healthy interaction with another person. I know it’s not because I have relationships that are so seamless, simple and loving at the same time that I never feel taxed by them. Even the ones in which I have occasional conflict or it’s not always perfect or we bicker like children, we all hurt each other sometimes and make mistakes, but I do know now that this is a part of loving someone sometimes.
I also get it that some of this is the natural growing pains associated with experience and personal growth. Our social needs evolve and change as we evolve and change and what I am finding is that the relationships I find most rewarding are the most flexible and with like minded individuals. I know I am not always an easy person to love, I can be handful at times (my boyfriend can attest to that) and I can be an unintentionally intense and needy person. On the flip side, I also know I have much to offer the people in my life that I clique with and grow with through the years.
I’m kind off track with all of that but it is related because I often find myself feeling guilty when I don’t put the needs of others before my own and then resentful when my own needs fall by the wayside because I’m out taking care of someone else.
Some of what has changed for me with Max being with his dad is that I am trying to refocus my life and look at what my future goals are and can be. My work has become increasingly demanding and though resistant at first, I now find myself happily plugging along and embracing my new career options. This could be a good fit for me, but I won’t know unless I give it my all and sometimes that means working a lot of hours and as a result, by the time my weekends come along, I’m spent and all I want to do is work on my yard and in my garden, bbq w/ my boyfriend and play with my dog. I don’t want to have company, I don’t want to go anywhere, I don’t want to feel like I have to do something after I just spent 50 hours working that week if I don’t’ feel like it. This is when I feel selfish, right here. Like I deserve to just do what I want after working all week and damned whomever can’t appreciate that.
I love a night out with my girls from time to time, I enjoy having folks over for dinner now and then and I have days where being in downtown Boulder, absorbing all the life around me is my idea of a great afternoon. But sometimes, I just need it to be on my terms and I guess I’m not always sure how to graciously let folks know that I am just not that social butterfly I once was and I am pretty content for the most part, just being at home, in my environment, nurturing myself and those closest to me.
All I know is that at the end of the day, most of the relationships I have and have had for many years are still the most solid for me and don’t feel overly demanding and I guess those are the ones I’d like to put energy into when I have it. I enjoy meeting new people and if it clicks, right on…but for the most part, I’m pretty settled into my new life at the moment I am loving it and I guess I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to nurture that?
The one exception is that every so complicated situation with ma dukes. Especially right now, she really needs me but I find myself feeling REALLY tired sometimes by it all. Resentful almost. I don’t’ know how to manage all of that really, I’m figuring it out as time passes but it’s a good example of my having a difficult time being able to distinguish the difference between selfish-ness and self-preservation. Does it make me a horrible person that sometimes I just don’t care and want to do what I want to do regardless? Maybe, mostly I think it’s me trying to determine healthy boundaries.
I can pinpoint areas in the past where I’ve been totally selfish, my relationship with Max is proof of that in some ways. I’ve let too many people come into my life and totally steal the life right out of me when I should’ve been focusing that life on those who needed it most from me. Perhaps that is another factor here, not wanting to make that mistake again and the fact is, I’m still healing and recovering in some manner from some pretty tough stuff. Much of my energy goes into that healing and I don’t feel guilty about that, not today anyway :)
Not sure if I’ve answered my own question here, lots of random meanderings here I suppose, but I know it’s something on my mind a lot recently and like all things, I’m probably going to be working to balance this issue for the rest of my life.
All for now. peace to you my loved ones.
