Next, we shall discuss the current state of cat chaos that seems to permeate my existence. We’ll start with Pumpkin because she often ranks simultaneously as “the most amazing cat that ever lived” and “the most annoying cat that ever lived.” Awwww, poor Pumpkin kitty.
The spring and early summer were kind to Pumpkin. She truly seemed as healthy and happy as anyone could possibly expect for a 20 year old feline and I was pleased to see she hadn’t had a seizure in several months. She was even beginning to take those tentative first steps outside to explore her new surroundings. Then the seizure came and it was a bad one. I sat there with her, hoping this wouldn’t be how she finally does make her way to kitty heaven and thankfully it did not. But she was acting very strange, which prompted all those horrible thoughts I always face when she has a seizure. Is she suffering? Is it time for me to help her move on? I am of the opinion that she’s on her 9th life at this point, so I doubt she’ll be back to visit me which makes me sad. It’s all very complex and confusing as any of you who have cats know. I believe that next to loosing a human we love, loosing our companion animals can be just as devastating.
As if the anxiety of how to manage an ailing cat isn’t hard enough, it turns out, Pumpkin had other, far more interesting plans for me. Apparently, she didn’t intend on waiting around me for me to figure out what to do next. She took actions into her own paws and up and disappeared on me one Sunday. At first, this was no real cause for alarm. Cats aren’t like dogs; they aren’t super glued to your side at all times. They wander and crawl under beds and jump up into cabinets, they are curious and independent by nature. Qualities I’ve long admired and appreciated. So, naturally I’m not going to flip out if she’s not sitting in her normal spot some random night.
But the next morning, she still wasn’t in her room, sleeping where she normally sleeps and this DID get my attention. So I called for her, put her breakfast out and tried to ignore the worried voices getting louder in my head. By the time I got home and saw that her food was untouched the most horrible feeling of dread came over me. I spent hours calling her, searching every nook and cranny in the house, every nook and cranny SURROUNDING the house and then began the mostly depressing, but still hopeful process of posting/searching Craigslist and other online sites for lost/found pets. The online search went on well into the late evening and I really don’t want to relive the thoughts racing through my mind because all I could think about was what could’ve happened to her and I pretty much lost it. Trying to sleep was pointless.
By Tuesday morning, I’d settled into a pretty nasty dark place. Feeling like a total failure to her. How could I let this happen to Pumpkin who’s been such a good friend to me? If she did crawl off to die somewhere, why didn’t I do something sooner? I’m not exaggerating when I say that it was one of the worst days I can remember. I didn’t expect it all to hit me so hard. I always thought when Pumpkin’s time came, that I would handle it well because she’d had such a long, happy life. But given the circumstances, my heart felt broken. Like I’d really let her down and I would have no closure with her, like so many things in my life, she was gone. Just like that. I was convinced I should never be allowed to bring another cat, dog, hamster, fish, reptile, plant or human child into my house ever again because my track record recently has been sub par. Kasha, Pumpkin, Jessie…sigh. These thoughts are part of what prompted me to go back to therapy FYI, I decided that I have to go every week until I learn to stop hating myself when I have a perceived failure and start loving myself again so I can stop whining about it all and move on. More on that later…
I should also note that I was not the only one who was distraught over Pumpkin’s disappearance. It seemed to have affected a lot of people in my life because naturally I was stressed out and called unto my friends for support. I really appreciated how empathetic everyone was.
Tuesday evening I had previous arrangements with my mom to meet up so I could get her desktop that I’d promised to reformat and re-install the OS AND I had dinner plans with an acquaintance I’d already cancelled on 2 different times in the past 2 months and I just couldn’t do it again. Not even I am that flakey. So even though I had zero energy and couldn’t seem to get through a sentence without crying, I went through with my plans and it was a good thing because if nothing else, it got me out of the house and gave my heart a reprieve from the overwhelming sadness.
Around 10:30 that evening after dinner was over and I had 2 large glasses of red wine to anestitihize the whole situation, I opened my front door and the porch light caught the unmistakable reflection of laser eyes in the back French door window. At first I thought it might be Gaia’s, but there was no shadowy figure, no bulk to indicate that it was Gaia’s form. Plus, Gaia was sitting on the counter in the kitchen flicking her tail and looking annoyed that I’d interrupted her nap. So I opened the back door and Pumpkin attempted to leap onto my shoulder (she is a parrot cat after all) and narrowly missed my face with back claws as I managed to get the situation under control. I cried, scolded her severely and then cried some more. My dinner companion was in total shock - he was of the opinion that “it’s just a cat and why are you so upset?” to which I glared at him (asshole, how could he NOT understand how mortified I was that my childhood cat had disappeared without a trace? Men are so insensitive some times, gar!) and mumbled something like “not to me she’s not” – at the whole unfolding scene and suddenly seemed as thrilled as I was to see Pumpkin. Apparently, happiness and joy are infectious. Ha, I could’ve told HIM that but that’s a whole other story all together that does not result in happily ever after so I’ll skip it.
After inspecting Pumpkin for any obvious injuries, she was promptly bathed. There was Vaseline like substance all down her spine, starting from the top of her head to the first section of her tail. It was disgusting and it looked like maybe she did the elevator-butt thing on something and ended up with a nasty slick of Vaseline on her which had accumulated some gross stuff from the time it initially occurred. The bathing process was humiliating for her (which I kept reminding her that she probably deserved for doing that to me in the first place) and a little frustrating for me because she is so fragile that it’s hard to give her a bath without worrying about hurting her. Her howling like she was being tortured and trying to scratch my eyes out with her non existent front claws didn’t help either. I wish I’d gotten a picture of her all wet and looking like something a much larger cat had just vomited up, but she took off for her room and went under the bed and stayed there for a solid 2 days, coming out for only food, water and kitty box visits.
Once I shared the news that Pumpkin was back, I ended up having to scold her on the behalf of all the other people in our lives who were worried about her. She didn’t really seem to care, but I let her have it on account of every single one
I still am not sure why I just automatically assumed that Pumpkin had disappeared and left me without me getting a chance to stay goodbye, but that’s exactly what it felt like, no matter which way I tried to rationalize it internally. I know this probably sounds like pretty hysterical thinking (and obviously a strong motivator for therapy because it’s totally jumping to conclusions and then preparing myself for the worst) but I had this really strong feeling that she probably wouldn’t be making it back and so I think I was preparing myself for her not to return. I do that. With the people in my life all the time, if there is a conflict or I am frustrated with them and I feel I can’t approach them directly. I begin the process of writing them off internally and emotionally so I don’t end up feeling humiliated or crying. This is a new behavior, new as in the last 3 years or so. Clearly this is s a combination of being more protective of my heart – because say it with me now “If I don’t do it, WHO will?” – and just trying to avoid frustrating, unesisary pain. The problem with this behavior is that a) It’s not really effective: pain is pain no matter how much you try to rationalize it into something else; b) It actually makes the problem worse because it only really serves as a medium to stuff my feelings down and not deal with them either directly with the person or, if that’s not possible, internally within myself, i.e.…no real closure is occurs; c) I can’t always control if my cat runs away and dies or if someone in my life isn’t treating me in way I can appreciate. So, anyway….I learned a lot from this experience with Pumpkin. For some reason, it became a red flag to me that left unmanaged, my reactions and emotional state of mind when things feel scary or threatening could absolutely result in a life of depression and struggle and I just can’t resign myself to that. It’s not even just about me, it’s about the people in my life who care for me and rely on me. Besides, I don’t want to be someone who adds yet another layer of doom and gloom to an already turbulent world.
Moving on…….
Pumpkin is hanging in there. I took her to the vet (that I could afford, car problems have made my life difficult financially) and they did a quick check on her to make sure there was nothing obvious. The seizures are going to be an issue, it really is only a matter of time…but for now, crisis averted with her. I realize this should be a sign that perhaps I do need to address my fears about not having done enough for her and look at the big picture. As you all know, that’s easier then it sounds. I’m still in crisis management mode on that subject until I can figure out what to do.
So, then I stupidly allowed myself to bring a new kitten home against my better judgment. She is insanely adorable and I thought it might be fun to bring a young kitten into the mix. I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this because it only lasted a week and I feel ok about the ultimate turn out…basically these kittens were to young to be adopted out, both their human mom AND their feline mom/siblings were having fits without each other. She would howl all night and it was beyond obvious that she missed her littermates. Then, there was the issue of Bailey thinking the new kitten was a toy and wanting to “play“ with her 24/7, meanwhile Gaia remained on the slightly annoyed but indifferent end and Pumpkin…well Pumpkin hates everyone except me, so that’s just the way it is. Sending the new kitten back to the human momma caused some drama, but it got worked out and I know it was the right decision for everyone. I will say this; Bailey is an amazing dog over all when it comes to cats. We also learned how quickly Bailey can learn with a little squirt of the squirt bottle.
Gaia is fine, she spends a lot of time hanging out in the back yard and surrounding areas. I’m not thrilled about the idea of her being outside during the days, but it’s clear to me that she is a much happier cat and it doesn’t seem she strays to far from the immediate area. Actually, 9 times out of 10, she is sitting on the back patio furniture sleeping the day away or watching the world go by. I have some super cute pics to post of her and Bailey playing in the back yard which I can assure is about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen her do. Gaia is not the “cute” variety of cat. Gaia is sexy and serious and otherworldly. To see her frolicking with Bailey in the back yard is always reason to stop everything I am doing and watch because it’s a rare treat to see her go to some silly side of herself. I will also say that her being outside seems to have really brought out a beauty in her, her coat is stunning, her eyes seem greener then ever and she’s lost some weight. She is serving as a good reminder to me that being a sedentary house cat is not the only lot in life, there’s much to be discovered out there while the option still exists.
Cats teach us so much, don’t they?
