It's been two full weeks since I last wrote, possibly the longest time span between entries since the inception of this blogg. The reasons for this are numerous and require more detail than I have the time or energy to list at the moment, but mostly I can attribute my minimal writing to a simple lack of time. I essentially spend the majority of my hours as of late working longer hours than usual and taking care of everyone (and everything) around me.
I've also experienced a few days of what can only be described now as despair. This feeling that everything I am working for, the love that I try to omit externally is all for not. It means nothing and I am not making the impact in the world that I should, I had a very depressing few days where I felt I was not living consciously or with purpose. And another few where I felt so completely unappreciated by those that surround me that I could do nothing but go inward and attempt to process it.
I am still a bit frustrated and sort of wandering about in my mind, feeling like I must "fix" things or "make decisions" about how I should proceed with some of my most recent thoughts and discoveries, but I know me and I will sit on it until I really feel forced to do something about it.
One of my primary frustrations at the moment has something to do with the level of intolerance, judgment and disrespect I have suddenly found myself surrounded by. In my work place, within some social circles, even at home to some degree. I am disgusted by it, not because I think I am better or that I have some reached a level that others in my life have not as I know this is not the case, I just don't understand it.
There are some men in my work place who are openly homophobic and make jokes and discuss this subject at luncheons, in the break room, etc...on a regular basis. I have found my jaw dropping at some of the content of their discussion, which due to the nature of our work environment I am subjected to without choice. I realize it is an insecurity, sexuality amongst men seems to be a very sensitive subject and I try to honor that, but I find myself offended by this and I am not a particularly timid young woman. I've heard much, seen what seems like it all and have certainly participated in my fair share of debauchery within my life time, but the extent to which these men seem to go to make their point sort of stuns me. What's worse, is that there conversations will invite "insight" from others within the office, including other woman who I am shocked would use such disgusting language when referring to the sexual identity of another person.
In a particular social group, individuals I have been friends with for quite some time, I am facing serious question about whether I wish to continue to engage in the friendship. Really, the bottom line for me is that I find some of their comments, remarks and blatant insinuations about others almost intolerable. I've seen this building up for some time, but it's within the last year that it's gotten exceptionally uncomfortable for me. On a regular basis I am met with some sideways remark about my political choices, food preferences, methods in which I am raising my son, how I dress, what I choose to do in my leisure time, etc..etc..I'd say it's something EVERY single time we communicate or spend time with one another and frankly, I am tired of it. Additionally, after the comments dripping with sarcasm or judgment are shot my way, I am then asked a favor as if I owe them something. For which I always cave because I do feel a sense of gratuity toward them as in the past they have been exceptionally helpful and giving, in fact we've been quite close up until the past few months. But I am definitely faced with this feeling like I must either confront the situation in the hopes of a resolution or terminate the friendship out of sanities sake because the relationship is beginning to feel toxic.
At home, boys are boys. Men seem almost incapable of seeing how their behaviors, actions or attitude may impact others unless it directly impacts them first. I am often cast as a dictator, control freak, or tyrant if I speak my mind, have a strong opinion that conflicts with others or ask for help. Am I quickly learning to accept that these guys aren't always going to like me, oh well. Most of the time, I continue to trudge forward with the idea in mind that perhaps some day, both of them will acknowledge the value of a woman such as myself in their lives. Other times I feel like telling them both right where to stick it.
Some spend so much time pointing fingers, finding faults and judging others...I want more than that for me. I want to focus on the positive and healthy aspects of this experience and one thing I am learning very quickly as that I am the only one that can make that happen for me. If that means having to take steps to remove the elements in my life that are polluting my attempts to progress, I must. Even if it is painful, uncomfortable or causes conflicts. This is a new time for me, in that regard. I've been exceptionally forgiving and tolerant in my life time and I wish to continue with that path, but it doesn't mean that I must subject myself to such levels of negativity.
Finally, and I guess this is really the most difficult aspect of current events which I've not been able to fully digest or discuss with really anyone yet, my best friend Kristen, her mother has Stage 3 breast cancer. Her name is Carol and as most of you know, Kristen and I have been very close since High School. Our families are quite bonded and Carol has been a part of my life as long as Kristen, being quite motherly to me when I was a kid and even taking me in when I no where to go. This is Carol's second bout, the first time around was not as serious and was treated with a biopsy and radiation. She went 2 full years with no problems only to find out that she had a golf ball sized tumor in her breast close to the lymph nodes and chest wall. They operated immediately last Thursday and will begin chemo this week. She will probably have the full round of treatment, including a mastectomy and radiation in addition the chemo. Kristen is not coping well obviously, but I am extremely concerned about her own health, in addition to her Mom's. Kristen has had great fears about her Mom's health since we were kids, more than your average kid I think. I know Kristen and have fears about any guilt or anxiety that might be building within her. I am checking on her at least twice a day at the moment and that might seem like a lot, but it is my way of letting her know that I am going to be here, whatever that means. She's going to have to let me love her this time, she's going to have to let me in this time because I don't think she can go through it again alone and thankfully, I am seeing signs of acknowledgement in her eyes...that she will need to let others help her this time around.
I also know, that because Kristen was holding MY head up during Carin's last stages of illness, that she has an image in her mind of what Cancer means. She heard all of my pain and agony in retelling what I'd seen with Carin, I had to get it out. I know she also remembers my state of existence during that time which was barely functional at best. I must try to remind her that all situations were different and that Carin's cancer was very aggressive, Carol's is slow growing and based on what we know so far, she does have options for recovery, this is not hopeless. This is not the end, only the beginning and in all the years her Mom has been strong for us, it's now time for us to take the leading role and care for her. My primary objective at the moment is going to be finding the balance with Kristen, what does she need, how do I help without closing in too much on a very private time etc...I think it will be a learning process for both of us, but thankfully, she seems willing and I know Carol will scold her if she tries to do too much and doesn't let me help.
We will know more about Carol's condition in the coming weeks and I'll keep everyone posted. I have such great hopes for her recovery and I hope that you will all join me in sending your thoughts and prayers her way, I also hope that this serves as a reminder for all of the woman in my life that I love to do their monthly exams at home and annually at the doctor. I love you all and want us all to be together for a very long time.
In spite of how dire this all sounds, I personally am on good terms with myself and my current state. When I put into perspective the realities of our world and what others are facing on a regular basis, it's sort of a slap in my face about being so selfish and needy. More of what I am facing at the moment is a turning point of sorts, one where I feel it is time for my backbone to shine through and to find no guilt or fear in it. It is also a time for gentleness and openness to those I love. Really, it is once again finding the balance within myself and my interactions with the world and others.
Love to you all,
L-Mango
"The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
--Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
