A Mood....

In a mood today, some funk trying me on for size today I guess.

It feels like I am in that place where I have so much to communicate but no one to communicate it to. That probably sounds strange when one considers the amount of love and warmth that is in my life, but mostly I guess I just feel like the issues at hand are issues I must process internally for the time being. This is still a new aspiration of mine, processing internally I mean. I am such an obviously extroverted person and I tend to just dump my thoughts on others without thinking them through. Generally it is just understood by most in my life that this is naturally how I function...but it doesn't mean I don't wish I were a little less likely to blurt something out in an excited blast of information and rather let it ease out like a grown up and less like that pig-tailed little girl I used to be but still find myself acting like a lot of the time.

I am the bounciest Tigger that ever was, I am sure of it.

Still, it's a lonely sort of place right now. I am not quite sure how to describe it and there is a pang of guilt in my heart for feeling so lonely when I have so much positivity ciricling around me and I can clearly see it in everything.

sigh.

Someday I will better understand my little fluctuations, maybe. For now, I just ride the bumpy little waves until it passes and try not to take life too seriously.

On a side note, we are doing the house inspection tomorrow. I am looking forward to that very much, it will be when all of our "investors" will also be present and able to review the property. I feel so thankful for the generousity of others, I'm still panicking about money...but it's a manageable panic.

More later, cheers.

Where To Begin....

Ah were to begin? It was nothing less than an eventful Holiday for numerous reasons...let's recap shall we;

Wednesday Evening:
Met with the Realtor (also known as Mother Theresa incarnate) to review paper work and sign the offer contract. Signed my life away on the dotted line after feeling like I didn't understand a single word she just said but did a lot of nodding and smiling and really hoping my subconscious was absorbing all of the detail because mostly I was daydreaming about our new townhouse. My stomach has been in knots since.

Thursday:
Awoke to Realtor phoning me to let me know that the Agent did not accept our initial offer and they refuse to budge on the price, they want full listing price and will only pay a percent of our closings costs. C and I looked at each other annoyed, but agreed to the terms as it does seem fair and I'm not loosing my house over such a silly detail.

I am in a terribly foul mood for some reason Thursday morning and walk around barking orders at the boys and feeling extremely irritable. At one point I began to cry at Chance over something really silly and he hugged me and told me to calm down and everything would be fine. He was right. I think it was house-stress.

We went to C's mom's for dinner, which was lovely and I felt very warm and comfortable. Mom and I were not able to make Thanksgiving happen together this year...conflicting schedules and priorities, I'm not sure she was terribly broke up about it, I don't think either of us were. Just doesn't always work out, tho it felt strange to spend the 1st Thanksgiving without her since our California days. Bless Gayle's heart for treating us to a wonderful meal and welcoming environment.

Then my whole day was made when Gayle (C's mom) said I could call on her Vonage line for free anywhere except Alaska and Hawaii and I jumped on that opportunity immediately. I haven't heard my GramE's voice in quite some time, it meant the world to me. Aunty MB sounded pleased, as did Kenari. Grandpa's voice is always a comfort to me, our history is a unique one. As I grow older I am more able to appreciate all they did for me as a child and I miss them so very much, they very clearly define the picture of kindness and truly unconditional love. Speaking with them was really the highlight of my whole weekend!

We went home in a food coma and promptly fell asleep with big smiles and warm hearts.

Friday:
Woke up very early and not quite ready to face the day yet, met up with Realtor to sign new contract and C joined me for a long walk around Sloans Lake after Gayle reviewed the contract. She's really been so supportive, there is no way we could do this without her or Mary and Howard, financially or otherwise. What a blessing they are to us.

Friday afternoon played Tiger Woods Golf with Max and got ready to head over to Rhi's for the evening. I very desperately needed to get out of that house, I get cabin fever something fierce when I am cooped up to long with no release. I "released" Friday evening by getting pretty damn tipsy with my buds. Rhi and I had girl fun and spent hours talking and giggling and she was pretty intent on dropping her phone over the balcony, Matt made us a fire (yay Matty!) Sam provided us with much entertainment as we threw his laundry all over the house and Chance and I caught smiles from each other after a very hectic and stressful few days. Huge score occurred when I found Rhi on the phone with Crystal in Seattle and we gabbed for a good hour I think, I miss her so much. It was great to hear her voice. Much fun was had by all, my friends are the greatest I totally adore them all.

Saturday:
Woke up after virtually no sleep and head over to pick up Max from Justin & Colleens and to watch the wee little one for a few hours for Mom & Dad. Evan is so cute, we had a blast. He kept trying to eat my hand and managed to puke on Aunty Sarah for the 3 time in as many visits, he gets quite a kick out of it I think. I don't mind, I've been waiting for Baby Evan for a while now, he can hurl on me to his little hearts content. I'm sure it won't be the last time:)

Took Max home and ate pizza and popcorn all day long and watched Taken (it's a Steven Spielburg series we are watching on DVD) I fell asleep at about 8:30 I think...I was a done deal.

Sunday:
Woke up bright and early and ready to enjoy my last day of a great weekend. Picked up the house, and conned Chance into doing some window shopping for furniture/light fixtures/etc..etc...it was a blast. We discovered two things: a) C and I have almost identical taste in decor and b) Window coverings, light fixtures and much of the other small things we looked at are far more affordable then we thought. Tho I'm sure it adds up quickly, but it gives us hope that we will slowly but surely be able to mold our home into what we envision.

In the afternoon we played yet more Golf and I was the one getting conned into this shoot 'em up game that was pretty fun once I got the hang of it, C took great pleasure and taking me out and Max promptly took him out...ah the ways of males, it's an interesting dynamic. I don't try to understand it, I just giggle and watch.

I then got a surprise phone call from Kristen and we gabbed about the house and her family and life, I miss her too. She's always got my back.

C and I then retired in front of the TV for a Rob Zombie horror flick called the Devils Rejects, I am a huge horror movie fan. I like old, new, classic B, whatever...I'll watch it. I don't get scared, well sometimes...Chance likes to yell or grab me right at those pivotal moments in the movies...but usually it's just a strange fascination of mine. This movie is not his best, the first one was MUCH better. There are definitely some moments that are disturbing, but mostly it's totally anti-climatic. I do love Zombie though, he's got a style all his own and you know when you reading or listening or watching something Zombie Inspired.

Chance and I then went to sleep and getting up wasn't to bad today, but I could've easily done with some more time off. I want to work on house stuff more:)

There's so much to be done, I expect the next month of my life to be insane. We are scheduled to close December 22nd 2005, this means we will be in our new house for the Holidays. I am so so so SO blessed, it's amazing. I am finding myself completely overwhelmed at my good fortune.

Love to you all - happy happy day!

Survey Says....HOLY CRAP!

Oh the many reasons to give thanks....the past 4 days have consisted of:

a) Meet with new realtor
b) Review several really awful properties
c) Stumble onto townhome of our dream within our price range that literally appeared out of no where
d) Meet with realtor again
e) Scramble to figure out financing, money down, earnest, who's paying what (insert Real Estate jargon here)
f) 24 hours of anxious waiting for financing approval
g) Getting ready to go into contract negotiations

It's been insane, let me tell you. I can't believe how quickly this has all happened, it's a little overwhelming but mostly so completely exciting it's hard to contain myself. Here's the deal on the townhouse:

a) 1694 sq. feet (C and I are arguing over how much it really has including the lawn and patio?)
b) Brand new everything...appliances (literally, the tags are still on them) paint, carpeting, countertops
c) 2 huge master bedrooms, 1 full bath, 1 half bath
d) 3 levels - top level = bedrooms/full bath, middle level = living room kitchen, bottom level = partially finished basement/laundry/storage
e) Within Max's school district so he can finally ride the school bus to and fro
f) Residential neighborhood so we don't feel like we are living in an apartment complex
g) It's basically row housing, people on either side but the walls are cement on one side and thick on the other so we shouldn't hear much
h) Bathroom tile is very nice and updated
i) Very spacious feel/tall ceilings and open rooms
i) It's basically ready to move in

So now the real fun starts...I'm in shock but this feels right and we are running with it. Everyone is pretty damn excited and I can't believe how helpful Mary & Howard have been and Chance's Mom...there is NO way we could do this without them. It's amazing how loved we are, I can't even believe it. It's time like this when the people in your life go to bat for you that it's hard to find the words, you know?

I've been fighting off the tears for days, this place will make the world of difference for us....it's pretty amazing. I truly have everything I could want, it's totally overwhelming.

Wish us luck all:)

Peace!

FYI....

Just an FYI to notify that I have not, in fact, fallen off the face of the earth; which I am very happy to report;)

I am however, knee deep in the reality of daily life that has some how become increasingly demanding in the past 2 weeks.

It has something to do with:

- 4 Month Old Babies (yay)
- Kitty Cats (yay)
- Cranky Clients (Let's not start)
- Non-Compliant Code & Versioning Issues (I didn't do it!)
- Purchasing A Home With Virtually No Money (YEEEHAW, What A Ride!)
- 13 Year Old Boys (The only person who smiles at me every day!)
- 33 Year Old Boys (The only person who hugs me every day!)
- Grocery Shopping (Funds that could be applied elsewhere)
- House Cleaning (boooo!)
- Attempting To Avoid Hatred For Mad Cowboys! (yeah, you know the one)
- Laundry Piles That Don't Dissapate On Their Own (crappie!)
- Birthday Parties (Cheers)
- Long Term Planning (Mentally Draining)
- Holidays!!! (Already? Whaaa?)

Etc...etc...eteceteraaaaaa.

Not a complaint, only a long list of project and people that require both attention and support and there is only so much Blonde Bouncy Goodness to go around. I've thought of investing in one of those gadgets that Wily. E. Coyote from Looney Toons had...something that would allow me to do several things at once with various tools and clamps and such...but they always blew up in his face, so that can't be healthy.

Perhaps I will simply have to take a moment to breath very deeply and know that I am in demand, I am loved and the freaking laundry is always going to be there so simply willing it to dissappear is unlikely and wasting my energy. I could've already put it all away by now, with how many times I've glared at that pile. CRAP!

Peace all...I'm off to pick up my 14 year old cat with no teeth and a gigantic attitude problem. Wish me luck.

Random Thoughts For Wednesdays....

Random Thoughts For Wednesdays....

Max is bathing in cologne these day, I just so happen to know the source. Her name is Kayle and she is currently the apple of Max's big blue eyes. He is not open about it and I do not pester him, but I have "sources." It helps to have a gossipy niece in his Math class:)

It smelled like Burger King when I came in the office today. I deplore fast food. It is so completely disgusting and though admittedly it is convenient and even I stoop to that point when I am being lazy or chosing to ignore what I am consuming, I don't think I would be entirely bothered if I never had to smell that horrible greasy fried odor again. blech.

In other and more pleasant news, I have had some extremely rewarding and positive realizations about my work situation which only days ago felt damp and quite bleak. The nature of this biz is to problem solve, put out fires and play the game with client. I've also allowed my last position and the individual who supervised me to follow me into this situation, even more than I had originally thought. Couple all of this with a good healthy dose of one very onery client and you've got my current position. Which, when you consider how I am being supervised and the sort of organization this is, is far from intolerable. In fact, when I look around me...I am not the only one being whined at by their clients, I am not the only who has made a mistake and I am in a unique position here, which is clear to all and I am supported tremendously. I lost perspective along the way and became embedded in the negative, sometimes it takes a kick in the rear to realize that. This does not change my direction regarding non-profit work and what that means over all, but it I feel more hopeful about the immediate situation and am finding there is still much for me to find here.

CMan and I have been having some very intense conversation and debates as of late. From all sides of the spectrum and topics, we've certainley been airing our thoughts, drawing boundaries and testing the limits. It is enlightening for me personally and though these communications can result in intense emotions and feelings from the sweetest of kisses to the largest of tears, I sense only a stregthening in our bond, which is beautiful and unique.

Politically the world seems ablaze with scandal and uprisings and issues we must consider in our futures together. However painful and uncomfortable the change, it is nessisary in order to evolve and I believe that is what our world culture is doing at this very moment, evolving right before our eyes.

Off to work, tally ho yo...hope this finds all well and loved.

Some Thing To Hope For

I had a powerful rant built up in my head this morning; boy was someone going to get it. Dirty clothes, the habits of others and feeling unappreciated in the endless amount of work that never just does itself. Not really wanting to go to work at all, trying to find any viable reason to stay home and do something productive around my house because my work is lacking in that very thing at this moment, positive productivity.

But I managed to avoid blowing up at the Sleeping One in our bed and get Max to school without being directly cranky. Dropped Little Man off, turned on Amy Goodman (Democracy Now!) and began listening to the recordings of various speakers honoring Ms. Rosa Parks during her services on Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005.

The sounds of these voices and what they had to say was immediately moving and full of strength, far more powerful that any selfish and pouty little rant I could've put out to the universe about how unappreciated I am and how hard MY life is. I was instantly humbled. We all should be.

I've always subscribed to the idea that no one person's life experiences are any less or more substantial or meaningful than their neighbor's. This goes for leaders, public figures, artists, etc. We are all great in some way, we all have purpose and we all fulfill a life path designed for us and our interconnectivity with one another, spiritually or otherwise.

However, when I consider a woman like Rosa Parks or a leader like Mahatma Gandhi, I question this ideal I've held stead-fastly to all these years is tested. Only because how can one not admire and applaud the actions of individuals such as these? Possibly see them as a greater being then ones own self?

We know Rosa Parks wasn't the only individual to stand up and strike thought in the minds of others about civil injustice, but she was the first BLACK WOMAN to go public with it, in 1955. In the South.

We know Gandhi wasn't the first teaching a non-violent philosophy and unity in ourselves and within one another, this is traditional Buddhist practice.

When you process the very physiology behind what these people inhabit within their existence, you find flesh. Just as you and I are. Fallible and imperfect.

But when you process the action, I think that is where the answer lies. These invidious were not dynamic because they are or were any more or less "important" than you are, they did not have the answers to all the questions or a knowledge that we don't all inherently contain.

They were great because they were passionate. Because they inspired others. Because they gave a damn. Because they represented an ideal, a gift, something to strive for. Something to hope for.

Because they embraced and followed their path, openly, patiently and fearlessly. They were great because they did some thing to create change and forward thought.

They remind me that I am hardly suffering. That my energies may be best directed in healthier directions, directions that matter to the greater good, the greater love. They remind me that taking great risk is part of what creates the change. They remind me to be strong and say NO when it isn't right. Live with enthusiasm, to walk each day with integrity and give of myself openly. Mostly, they remind me to love generously and kindly.

I will always believe that not one of us is any less or more significant than the other, all life should be respected. I can though, certainly take into account the knowledge that it's what you do with it that resonates, not only for others but for your own spirit.

The next question is, what am I doing with "it" ?

"Issues"

It's been a stressful few weeks, probably the most stressful of this past year. Primarily due to the issues I am having at work and how unstable work situations sort of pre-empt life decisions. And as C keeps pointing out to me, when I am unhappy at work I bring it home and it does inadvertently effect everyone. I'm not very good at covering up things that might be bothering.

In reflection, the issues with the one "problem" client have been building for a little over 2 months, but have hit it's peak within this past week or so.

It's a long, detailed story full of jargon and information that won't make sense unless you work here. But the long and short of it is that my relationship with this particular client has grown increasingly tense, errors have been made on both sides and since this application is 5 plus years old and has not received anything but band-aids in that time period, we are not only facing communications conflicts but fighting the very technology needed to keep this project running. I think there are 3 fundamental reasons why the relationship has grown increasingly sour:

1) They've never been happy with my transition into the project from the get go. I've constantly been compared to the very talented young lady who had this position before me (who also worked on it 4 full years and knew every detail in and out.) I am not bitter about it, but I think they are. As soon as she was no longer my immediate mentor, the direct comparisons began and I was faced with "R never did it like that." or "R always knew what I meant when I said xyz, why do you need an explanation?" This is normal, but normally it ceases at some point. It still has not, 7 months later.

2) The companies perspective on how to manage this project changed right as I came aboard and I was instructed to manage it more like other projects developed here. The client doesn't like it that way, it takes more time and effort in thinking requests through. I have to go through the proper procedures to have changes made to the interface and data structure, I make the changes or new development and the Admin's post them. It's a process, one they are so complete foreign to that my enforcing this process gives the appearance of incompetence and being purposefully contrary, when before a request was made..it just got done, it didn't have to be approved or submitted to Issue Manager or in the hands of the proper channels to be uploaded by the appropriate Admin staff.

3) Errors have been made, on both sides. I openly admit to mine, which have been minimal with the exception of 1 which was easily addressed and I held myself completely accountable for. They blatantly ask me to cover up theirs to THEIR client (it's confusing) and to my supervisors. I do not. I do not agree with their work ethic. If their appears to be a problem of any kind, I am instantly on trial and am forced to account for every step, every detail and method behind the process. I've spent more time explaining the detail than doing the work.

I am fed up with the client. Thing is, my supervisor is the best I've had in years. It's a great company to work for and I have no problems with any other clients. Unfortunately, this particular client is the main reason I was hired as they basically required a full time baby-sitter, even if they don't want to pay for it and cry when charged for work performed. Equally unfortunate is the fact that in the past 3 days a major boo boo has been uncovered and no one really has an answer as to the cause, including me. I have researched it past the point of reason, I cannot find a concrete reason for this error, which is not good as it's going to cost someone some money. I don't *think* this is my fault but it's sort of one of those things that points to me no matter how you look at it and it's one of those boo boos that someone will have to be held accountable for. Probably me. Which I could hang with if I knew for certain I SHOULD be, but we just can't figure it out.

So that said, I have been thinking a lot and will probably start looking for another job even if I don't get canned. I love working here, that's the hard part. My boss rocks. But I don't want to face this client every day any more, I've sort of had it and don't really know if the relationship is salvageable at this point, at least not to the point of it being pleasant and I've already been down the path of working with Toxic Negativity, I want no part of it.

However, I will wait and see how things turn out over the coming days, I should have more info soon. I've submitted my research findings and now it is up to management to make decisions with what they have, which isn't much. The client is using very threatening language, but I'm not so sure we care all that much. Apparently this client has been problematic before and we've thought of dropping THEM in the past, so we'll see.

In other news, my former Boss Momma and forever Mentor Gail T. Wilson has won her race in the LEWIS-PALMER SD 38 DIRECTOR DIST 3 ! Go Gail! This means she'll be working directly in the School District in her county, spreading the word and kicking ass all along the way. I hold mad respect for this woman, she is on my list of Top 5 list of direct female influences in my life (along with my Grandmothers, a certain Aunty and Carin) and I can't think of anyone better to be in office. I am so glad retirement is providing her the opportunity to move forward and she will wow them, wouldn't surprise me if this isn't the first position she's elected into!

As some of you may know, yesterday was a big day for us locally regarding elections, some pretty important stuff finally happened here like:

Denver Initiative 100 - Legalization Of Marijuana ( up to 1 oz.)
It's about freaking time people. I don't smoke the wacky tobaccky myself but the idea that someone would go to jail for indulging is absurd. Hemp has many valuable resources in of itself, clothing, paper, medicinal qualities etc., I could go on for pages on this one, but my happiness over this has more to do with the idea that it is a start to a bigger process in motion and that is the opening of minds about the possibilities and potentials of many things that have been vilified by our culture in the past. Took long enough cripes.

Ref C past, D did not (just barely) Ref C will provide $3.7 million in tax refunds to help ease recession on civilians, state and local spending using tax dollars.

Ref D was to allow the state to borrow a few million from the federal government for state funded road work, schools and local firefighters and police pensions. We needed that one, danget. That's why there were a Team, ah well...something is better than nothing I suppose.

The main bummer is that WalMart managed to win out in Westiminster. A local group didn't want WallyWorld in it's neighborhood, especially not one of those new huge clinical feeling ones. Feels like being in a warehouse for housing consumers, it's gross. Walmart contributed $150K to the motion, the grassroots campaign had $25k, you do the math. Jerks.

Over all though, very good things are happening here politically and I'm excited about that for sure.